Growing with Grace

There's things that happen every day in life that shape who you are as a person.  For me there's two significant experiences that have changed the course of my life, how I live it, and my overall perception.  For me these experiences were difficult and unhappy.  I think it's easy to grow in experiences that bring you joy.  The challenge is to grow with grace through the hard stuff.

The first experience was my divorce.  Yes, I was married for a brief period of time before D.  I met my ex-husband in my mid 20's and we were married and divorced before I was 30.  I don't have the excuse of marrying "young".  In fact I don't have an excuse at all.  He was brutally honest with me when we met that he never wanted to get married.  And having just gotten through a difficult break up that was fine with me.  But as the weeks of dating turned to months to years I realized I wanted more.  We broke up a couple different times over that very debate.  But when we got back together the last time he said that his feelings about marriage and family had changed and he not only wanted all that but was ready.  We were engaged 6 months later and after a year of blissful planning we were married.  However it wasn't 2 months into our marriage that things started to change.  He felt trapped by our marriage and resented having to account for another person when making decisions.  He began to pull away and I instinctively held on tighter.  I tried to give him space and basically let him do whatever he wanted without putting up any sort of fight all in the name of saving a marriage that was the furthest thing from healthy for either of us.  Finally after months of being a doormat I found my "mad".  Shortly after that I discovered that his "space" had amounted to at least one, if not more, affairs.  And upon hearing that news the strongest emotion I had was relief.  You see until that point I had kept most of our problems quiet - not wanting my family and friends to think badly of my then husband as I was sure we were going to work through our issues.  Once I realized that probably wasn't going to happen and I started thinking about explaining it to people I felt even more trapped.  How do you tell your (very Catholic) family that you are getting a divorce because he's "mean" or "doesn't want to spend enough (or frankly any) time with me".  Once I learned of his infidelity I had a socially acceptable reason to leave that no one would hold against me.  And while yes I was hurt, angry, and damaged I was also relieved.

Funny enough by the time I filed for divorce the worst was over.  It was the months living in silence - between him and I and my silence of what was happening to my support system - that did the most damage.  It was here that I learned that there's many forms of abuse outside of physical.  For the first time in my life I was failing, hopeless, depressed, and at a complete loss of how to "fix" it.  See that's what I am - a fixer.  There's no problem I can't help people work through.  Whether it's a personal problem in their relationship, an issue with their parents or kids, a work related problem, I'm the person everyone comes to for advice on how to fix it.  And not being able to fix my own personal issues was a huge blow to my self esteem and my sense of self worth.

Though the marriage only lasted a year those months were the some of the longest in my life.  And after going through many different phases of depression and grief I was forced to pick up the pieces.  I had to take a hard look at myself and what I wanted out of life.  Not what others wanted or expected of me, but what I wanted.  And what would make me happy again.  For I had completely forgotten what happy felt like.  Coming out of my broken marriage friends and family marveled at how strong I was.  But what they couldn't understand is it wasn't a choice but a requirement of survival.  By the time my divorce was finalized I was able to look back on the experience and acknowledge what I had learned.  I don't think my ex-husband is a terrible person.  In fact I think he loved me enough to try and be something he wasn't - take on something (marriage) that he didn't really want - for me.  I can see that by holding on tighter I pushed him further away.  I can see that there were a lot of red flags before we were married that I blatantly ignored.  And I can take my share of responsibility for the failure of that marriage.

The second experience has been of course our infertility journey.  I knew D through a mutual friend before and during my marriage.  When I got divorced our relationship started out friendly with him checking in on me to see how I was coping.  Our conversations became longer and longer and before I knew it I was head over heels in love.  In him I saw everything that was missing the first time around.  People may look at D and my ex-husband and think they are very similar.  They have common interests and backgrounds but internally they are very different.  D has a strong sense of family, empathy, concern, and the most inherent sense of right and wrong that I've ever known.  He's loyal to a fault (the man can hold a grudge forever if you hurt someone he loves) and he has a sense of optimism about him that reminds me of the girl I was before the divorce.  One of the lyrics of our wedding song says "You can be hurt by loved or healed by it too".  And that's exactly what happened.  He came into my life and healed my broken heart and spirit.  I'm sure there's plenty of people out there that would argue that I should have spent more time single, that I needed to learn to love myself before I loved someone else.  But that's not what happened.  And if I learned anything from my divorce it was that life was too short to be unhappy and if something brings you love and joy you should do whatever you can to hold on to it.

So before I knew it I found myself married again.  D and I both were ready to start a family right away.  It was something we both knew we wanted and considering I was 32 years old something we didn't want to put off.  Not because of fears of infertility but because we didn't want to be "old" parents.  Do to some other medicial issues we found out early that having a baby would be a challenge for us.  At the time I felt grateful that we didn't waste a whole year trying but could move forward quickly to "fix" the issue.  However after a few months of tests the recommendation for us was to go straight to IVF.  It was a tough pill to swallow but we did so without hesitation.  The situation wasn't ideal but we knew what we wanted and were willing to do whatever we had to for our family.  My gracious parents gave us the money we needed for round one and we started the journey excited.  I'm sure there was fear and worry somewhere inside but honestly all I remember from the beginning was the excitement and the certainty that this was going to be how we started our family.  Obviously that wasn't what happened.

I won't recap our entire journey - most of you know the details.  What I will say is the experience broke me in a completely different way than my failed marriage.  I mentioned before that walking away I was able to take responsiblity for my part of the failure.  Which is very true.  However our infertility felt so much more personal to me.  First of all my body was failing me and there was no one else to place the blame on or carry that weight.  D tried - he's always said that we are in this together but when push comes to shove I blamed myself.  Once again this was another problem that I had no control over - that I couldn't fix.  On top of that you add in the fact that D and I love each other so much.  That I knew in my heart we would be amazing parents.  I felt as if we DESERVED to be parents.  And all I could see was people getting pregnant who didn't want their babies, who were in unhealthy relationships, or not in a relationship at all.  I quickly became angry and bitter.  I was disgusted by the thoughts that ran through my head but they also felt justified.  And I questioned constantly what I had done wrong to deserve this.  In my mind I had already been through such a big struggle with the demise of my first marriage.  And I felt like I had handled that with as much grace as I could.  And now here I was again faced with adversity beyond measure.  Why?  I couldn't stop asking why me when it seemed I was surrounded by people living normal, happy lives.  People who got exactly what they wanted without any heartache or struggle.  Life for them was easy.  Why was it so hard for me?

I still have no idea where I found the strength, will, and determination to continue to fight.  If I had to guess I'd give the credit to D.  He was a rock through the majority of our struggle - staying so positive and strong when I didn't have it in me.  And when he finally did break I'm proud to say I stepped up and took on his role as the strong one.  I know so many situations where infertilty has broken a couple and their marriage.  I thank God every day that wasn't us.  We had our moments for sure.  Moments when we felt disconnected, where I'm sure both of us felt alone, where we didn't know what to say or where to go after the most recent failure.  But we got through it together.  And while I'm sad that we had to go through what we did there's no denying we are stronger today because of it.

Sitting here at 34 weeks pregnant I'd love to tell you that much like D healed my heart after my failed marriage that this pregnancy has healed my heart after years of infertility.  But that's not the case.  The best way I know how to describe it is that my heart has grown.  It's grown times two thanks to these amazing miracles.  And I know it will grow again once I hold them in my arms.  But there's a part of my heart, of my soul, that hasn't recovered from our struggle and I'm not sure it ever will.  I'm not sure it should.  I can look back over the last three years and I can see that there was good that came out of it.  Like I said I feel like my marriage is stronger, I feel like I truly appreciate this gift that I've been blessed with.  I think I'll be a better parent - more patient, more forgiving, more involved.  Just MORE, thanks to our struggle.  However that's not enough for me to wish this journey on my worse enemy.  I also recognize that the damage to my heart and spirit, the hurt I felt in the depth of our battle will never be forgotten.  I can only hope that I can be stronger than the hurt, the anger, and bitterness that still plague me.  That I am strong enough to not let it change me in a negative way.  To remember it's not my place to judge anyone unless I've walked in their shoes. And to hope that I can grow with grace from this challenge.

The definition of Mother

When I flipped my calendar to May as always the date of Mother's Day caught my eye.  I'll admit my first thought was to wonder if my babies would be here by then.  While the idea of NOT being pregnant any more is very appealing I said a brief prayer that they'd still be comfortable and thriving inside vs. taking on the challenges of the outside world too early.  My next thought was how I felt thinking about Mother's Day being 33 1/2 weeks pregnant.  I was surprised by the answer - not very different.

Don't get me wrong.  Mother's Day is a day I've struggled with for the last three years as we desperately tried to start our family without any success.  For the last three years I've dreaded this day and spent most of it either in tears or fighting them back.  I felt guilty for not being able to focus on my amazing mother and mother in law.  I felt guilty for not truly celebrating my friends who are such inspirational mothers.  All I could feel was the hopelessness of my own personal journey and the ache in my empty heart.  I thought first about the embryos we had transferred that didn't take, then the ones that did but weren't able to continue to grow.  Then the one that did fully implant but had no heartbeat at that first sono.  And finally the one who did - who's precious heart beat we saw not once, but twice, before the ultrasound of silence at almost 10 weeks.

Being pregnant this year didn't take away that grief.  Absolutely it brought hope that had been lacking, happiness and excitement that never existed before.  And of course so much gratitude that we have made it this far.  Every kick and movement I felt on Sunday held an extra special meaning and brought a different kind of tears to my eyes.  But yes, I still grieved the loss of the babies that should have been here and were not.  While I sat with my family and enjoyed their company I still felt a little uncomfortable being included in the group that we were celebrating.  In my heart I had been part of this group for the last three years but not a member that gets recognized.  My children aren't here on earth to post pictures of, to make me breakfast in bed or draw me beautiful pictures.  I never saw their faces or held them in my arms.  But I have held them in my heart since the day those tiny embryos were transferred.  I've felt the weight of responsibility that goes along with being a parent and I"ve felt the grief of failure that I couldn't protect them.

I was encouraged by the number of FaceBook posts I saw this year honoring not only the traditional mothers but those fighting to become a mother and those who have lost children at any stage of life. I know having been in both those positions just being acknowledged provides a small amount of comfort on a very difficult day.  I hope that those still fighting felt loved and not invisible.  I pray that they find hope in the stories of those who walked in their shoes and now have a happy ending.  And mostly I hope that at this time next year they find themselves closer to their own happy ending.  Because we all deserve that.

Nursery Reveal

I can't believe it's been almost a month since my last post where I tried to get everyone caught up.  Time is passing so quickly which is actually surprising considering how uncomfortable I am.  On Thursday I'll be 30 weeks!  I'm absolutely thrilled that we've made it this far and while I'm puffy, swollen, and generally VERY uncomfortable it's the best feeling ever.  I'm just trying to focus on 2 weeks goals.  So now I'm aiming for 32 weeks which will be April 28th.  At my last appointment with the MFM she said to let her know when I'm done working and she'll write the note to put me on bed rest.  While it's SO tempting (my 45 min drive to work is absolutely miserable) I really want to save all of my FMLA time for when the babies are actually here.  So we agreed to re-evaluate at 32 weeks and potentially I could go on "modified" bed rest where I would just work from home full time.  I think I would be very lonely as I'm such a social person but considering just showering these days leaves me exhausted it sounds nice to be able to take it easy and work from home.  We'll see how the next couple of weeks go I guess.

So on to some REALLY exciting stuff.  The nursery is finally finished!  Seriously you guys I just go in there and sit in awe.  I can not believe I actually have a nursery.  In MY house.  For OUR babies.  I tried (emphasis on tried) to cut back on the pictures so you aren't all bored to death.  But for those that are interested grab a beverage, kick back, and welcome to our home......

Here's the view when you are walking in the door.  I guess I should mention that I have plans to put their names above their cribs and then I have a giant & sign that will hang between.  However we are keeping their names as a surprise so that wall is blank for now!  The color pallet is all shades of blue/grays.  My sweet, patient husband painted the room THREE different times before I was content with this slate blue/gray shade on the walls.  It's a little bit rustic, a little shabby chic.  At least that's how I"d describe it :)  The rug on the floor is from Target.  I've gotten a ton of compliments on it!  The blankets hanging over their crib were quilted by one of my closest friends specifically for the boys.  I have a feeling these blankets will be with them for a very long time.  

We have a great window that looks out to our backyard in this room and while it's hard to see really cute crown molding too.  The room itself is NOT big (I think it's 10x11) so I was very worried about fitting both cribs, the dresser/changing table, and the rocker in the room.  It's not exactly spacious but I'm hoping the overall feel is cozy.  Curtains are from Target!  

Here's the view of the other corner of the room where the closet is.  The pallet book shelf I ordered off Etsy for a steal and the deer print above it was a gift from a sweet friend of mine.

I searched long and hard for a rocker for this room.  I was shocked at how expensive these were.  Everyone told me not to go cheap as we'll be spending a lot of time here.  I finally bit the bullet and purchased this one off of Wayfair.  It did need assembled when it arrived but took D less than an hour to put it together.  I love the gliding motion and the fact that the ottoman glides with you.  It's soft and comfortable and I'm only slightly embarrassed to admit that I've been spending my work from home days in this chair the last couple weeks and so far I have zero complaints.  The pillow I found at Walmart!

And the view if I'm standing in front of the closet.  Can I just tell you how much I love this furniture?  It was a gift from my parents and I just absolutely love the style, color, and the slightly distressed finish.  

Here's a head on view of the collage over the changing table.  I think I got all of these signs either from Etsy or Hobby Lobby.  They all have special meaning of course.  I loved the arrow theme along with the Be Brave message.  In addition the sign in the middle that says "They are our greatest adventure" I absolutely LOVE and then the small navy sign that says Brothers are the Perfect Best Friends.  Oh my heart.  

I found this cute little cube at Target along with the matching gray bins.  I am storing toys in one of the bins and extra crib sheets and changing table covers in the second one.  Thanks to one of our showers where guests were encouraged to bring books instead of cards we have a pretty good start to our library.  The sign above the cube is the one I bought to use for our gender announcement.  The yellow color really doesn't go with anything in the room but I adore this sign as it's pretty much how my husband was raised.

This sign I received as a gift from a friend who also battled infertility and has been a huge support to me.  I get tears in my eyes every time I read it.  My faith has definitely wavered during this journey but there's no other explanation for these miracles than the grace of God.  We are so thankful.  

The dresser is stocked and ready to go!  In the top left hand drawer I've got newborn size diapers, wipes, and teeny tiny socks.  There's also a couple preemie size onesies in this drawer.  They are so small it makes me sick to my stomach.  I'm praying so hard that we are way too big for these when the boys finally make their appearance.  None the less we do have a few preemie size clothes if we face that challenge so at least they won't be naked.  

This is the top right hand drawer.  The big divider contains medial supplies - gas drops, infant Tylenol, thermometer, nursing pads, nipple cream, etc.  The next divider contains pacifiers (three different brands as I've heard newborns can be picky about what ones they like) and a few sets of mittens.  The last two dividers on the right contain hats and accessories like those cute little bow ties!  

Last but not least here's the closet.  D installed this great organizer (although it's a little big but there's still hanging space on either side).  We are storing diapers in the cubes that will one day store shoes.  The basket has all of the diapers from the diaper cake from my shower and then swaddle blankets rolled and stored on each side.  The top shelf is purely decorative with the sweet picture frames, cute little hats and shoes.  The twins banner I got for our announcement pictures and thought it was cute hanging there.  Two rods on each side for hanging clothes and still room for storage on the floor too (which is basically full of diapers thanks to D's awesome friends who threw us a diaper party!).  

So there you have it.  As I said earlier this room is mostly for me at this point as we'll be keeping the boys in our room in bassinets when they first arrive home.  However it is convenient as their room is right next door to the master and just down a short hallway from our family room and kitchen.  So I do think we'll utilize the space for diaper changes and feedings.  I'll wrap this post up with my 28 week picture!  Which is almost two weeks ago already.  However I really, really am going to try to be better about blogging as we get closer to their much anticipated arrival!  Hope you enjoyed the tour!

28 weeks!  

Long Overdue Update

I have been a huge blog slacker and was trying to think of a quick way to update you guys with all that's been going on.  So I thought I'd do a picture post.

 Baby A at 22.5 weeks - this guy is usually all stretched out and super active all the time!

Baby B at 22.5 weeks - he's curled up in a little ball down in the corner since his brother takes up all the room.

 

Me at 21 weeks pregnant.  Soak in this picture please.  It's the last one before the swelling and puffiness set in.........

Maternity photos!  These were taken at 23 weeks.  We have a friend who is starting up a photography business and wanted to use us as models.  She did a great job!

 My college girlfriends threw my first shower.  Everything was perfect and beautiful but what meant the most to me was all the people who came out to celebrate our little boys.  So blessed!

My parents got us the car seats for our first shower.  Chloe isn't too sure what these things are but was happy to pose next to them for a
picture.

Baby Shower Number 2 in Derek's hometown!

 My favorite gift from the 2nd baby shower.  D is a huge top gun fan so the boys got Maverick and Goose onesies, my best friend's little boy got the Viper shirt and my nephew who's getting ready to turn 7 got the Iceman shirt.  On the front they all have a pair of aviators that look like they have hanging from their neck.  Cutest thing ever!

And here's today at 26 weeks!  Definitely feeling swollen and puffy and just generally uncomfortable.  But every day is one step closer and I couldn't be more thrilled to be where we are today.  Next big milestone is 28 weeks!  

Ch Ch Changes!

Welcome February!  I personally am glad to have January behind us and be one month closer to warmer weather (PS - MidWest winters suck) and one month further along in this pregnancy.  This week I'll be 20 weeks - Eeeekkk!  Everyone keeps saying "Yeah you are 1/2 way".  I have to bite my tongue to keep from screaming "I AM MORE THAN 1/2 WAY - THIS IS A TWIN PREGNANCY!".  Instead I just nod and smile and say thank you so it doesn't appear that I'm a crazy woman.  My favorite part of 20 weeks is that viability is only 4 (hopefully) short weeks away.  I'm still feeling pretty good.  By the end of the day I feel full and uncomfortable and have some trouble falling asleep.  But other than that things have been great.  I'm still only feeling the flutters and the gas like feeling as far as movement goes.  Which makes me nervous of course.  I thought yesterday I felt a more significant kick.  I am ready for that action to begin any time now!  This is a no appointment week so those are always hard for me.  

 

                                                                19 weeks 5 days!

The last 2 weeks we also began our bathroom renovation.  Our house does have 3 bathrooms - the master, a full bath in our finished basement, and then our guest bath.  However the guest bathroom only had a stand up shower in it.  So I really wanted to put in a tub for the babies.  The contractors started last week and finished up yesterday.  The tile for the shower is back ordered so that's still unfinished but everything else is done.  Overall I'm pretty happy with how it came together.  I don't consider decorating one of my skills, but I'm happy with the flooring, paint, and tile I chose.  D is color blind so I'm basically on my own for projects like this as I don't really trust his opinion. :)  Below are some pictures of the finished project.  

                                    I used the same vanity but got a new mirror and light fixture

This gives you a view of the flooring which is porcelain tile that looks like hardwood!  LOVE!  And the start of the tiling before we ran out.  I'll be continuing the smoke green glass tiles and then we'll run a strip of the mosaic that's in the soap box halfway up to break it up a little bit.

This bathroom did not have a closet originally and I was thrilled that there was room to squeeze one in.  It's actually really deep and I put the first shelf high enough that I can fit a hamper below it.  We'll be able to move all of the linens from the hall linen closet in here and then hopefully use that for more storage for the babies.  


We used the same toilet - nothing too exciting here except it gives you a good idea of the paint color.

This is the most exciting part for me.  The old door opened into the toilet and was super awkward.  We replaced it with a sliding "barn" style door and I love it!  Makes the bathroom feel so much more open.  

So lots of changes the last couple of weeks!  The contractors had been using the babies' room for all of their tools and supplies so now that they are finished I get that room back.  I've got a few samples of paint colors that I'm trying to decide between.  The furniture is an ash gray color.  (kind of a distressed finish).  Below are all the samples of paint I've got that I'm trying to decide between.  Thoughts and input welcome!  

Days go By

Most of you who know me know that I am a planner by nature.  Nothing makes me happier than lists, plans, time lines, deadlines, etc.  I find comfort in mapping things out and joy in checking boxes.  Planning for my babies is something I've dreamed of my entire life.  But after experiencing infertility and loss(es) there's so many fears that come with moving forward and planning for the arrival of your babies.  

I have made progress.  At 18 weeks we have furniture(!) and I've started my registry.  With the help and support (and okay push) from my family and friends I've set shower dates.  Invites are currently being ordered.  And while it's so exciting and so much fun to make these plans there's still the voice in the back of my head that I can't ignore. 

 "There's a 30 day return policy for the furniture....what if?"  or "They can send out a mass text to cancel the shower if......"  and lately "Worse case we can just pull that door shut so we don't have to look in that room until I'm strong enough to deal with it".

If.  The fear, That worry.  It doesn't fade.  The voice doesn't get quieter with each passing week.  But I will say my excitement does increase.  With each day that goes by this dream becomes a little more of a reality.  18 weeks you guys.  Six short (please God) weeks until we reach viability. Can this really happen?  Is it possible that we may actually hold these miracles in our arms?  Slowly I'm beginning to believe that it just might really happen.

It's funny how you look to the future and think you'll feel better with each milestone.  I thought after receiving the harmony results I'd feel so much better.  And I did....a little.  Last week at our 17 week appointment at MFM they went ahead and did the full anatomy scan.  Everything looked great - no markers, no cause for concern.  Their size and fluid levels were equal which is critical when looking for early signs of Twin to Twin Transfusion.  Nothing but good news from that appointment.  I should have been ecstatic.  And I was.  But still....

I've been waiting until I could feel movement thinking that would help me keep my sanity between sono appointments.  And it has.  But now I worry that they aren't moving enough.  And of course it's hard to confirm that the movement is both babies and not just one (they are literally on top of each other in there!).  So I would say the movement definitely brings reassurance.  But.  

I hope this isn't coming off as me complaining or being ungrateful.  Believe me I'm well aware of just how fortunate we are to be in this situation of worry and fear.  I'll take this over the stress and worry associated with infertility any day.  I thank God multiple times a day for blessing us with these miracles and for helping us get this far.  And there IS joy.  At times it completely overwhelms me.  It brings me to tears at least once a day.  There's moments when I feel my heart will absolutely burst from the happiness.  Yes, there is joy my friends.  Days go by and they are consumed with so many different emotions.  But in the end the greatest is joy.  

It's All Worth It

Yesterday on my drive home from work my phone rang and it was my OB's office.  I actually pulled over to the side of the road as I figured they were calling with the results from my Harmony test.  My heart was beating a million miles a minute and my voice was shaking when I answered the phone.  My nurse Katie's voice was on the other end as she calmly informed me that they had just received the results from the Harmony test.  I couldn't even reply I was so nervous.  In what felt like 200 unnecessary words she calmly informed me that the results all came back normal and "low-risk".  I can't described the relief I felt at hearing her words.  Obviously high risk results wouldn't have changed anything for us.  But it's just one less obstacle to worry about.  I also realize there's still a million other things that could go wrong.  But this one was a win for us and one I'm so grateful for!

In other exciting news she confirmed what the MFM suspected.  Our twins are little BOYS!  For whatever reason I always pictured myself as a boy mom.  People keep asking me what we want (which obviously all we want is to be holding healthy babies in our arms at the end of this).  But even if God came to me and told me I could choose I wouldn't have been able to.  But from the moment the MFM told me she felt pretty confident they were boys (at 13 weeks!) I thought to myself "of course they are".  It just felt right.  So yeah boys!  My heart overflows.........

Today is 16 weeks 5 days.  We go back to the MFM on Thursday which will be 17 weeks.  Regardless of all the great news I'm still nervous and scared for the appointment.  It will have been 2 1/2 weeks since we last saw our babies - the longest we've had to go in this entire pregnancy.  I've accepted that the fear and worry will never leave and work hard on giving it to God, trusting in Him and doing my best to enjoy this pregnancy.  I *think* I have started feeling them move.  Everyone says it feels like "flutters" or "butterflies".  But that isn't the case at all to me.  Honestly it feels like something is pressing or leaning from the inside.  Sometimes I feel a small area of my stomach tighten.  Everyone is telling me that is Braxton Hicks contractions but I honestly don't think so.  Maybe I'm completely wrong.  I'm anxious for when I know without a doubt it's them.  I also have these feelings much more on the right side.  Which I believe that is baby A who is slightly in front of baby B so that would make sense.  I'm hoping to get some confirmation of all of this at the appointment on Thursday.  

So almost 17 weeks I thought I'd try to recap some of my thoughts and feelings

1.  I still often feel like this is a dream, like it's not real.  Too good to be true

2.  I struggle with fear and worry every. single. day.  

3.  The way your body changes during pregnancy is truly amazing!

4.  I celebrate each pound I gain because I know it's helping them grow grow grow.

5.  I smile every time I stick my hands in my coat pockets because I can feel my belly :)

6.  I'm amazed at the out pouring of love and support for these little miracles!

7.  My parents and I have always been close, they've always been my biggest supporters.  But that bond has only deepened through this pregnancy.  Their love and excitement is contagious and can lessen even my deepest worries

8.  Baby stuff is EXPENSIVE!

9.  Pregnancy is hard.  I always thought getting pregnant would be the hard part.  But there's nothing about this that's easy.  From the lack of energy, the struggle to eat healthy, the aches and pain, the trouble sleeping, to the fact that every single thing happening is new and unfamiliar.  Pregnancy is Hard.

10.  It's so worth it.  I always knew/said that every shot, pill, doctor's appointment, etc would be worth it and it's true.  I did not know that pregnancy would be this hard.  But I can tell you it's all so worth it too.  Every green veggie I put in my mouth while simultaneously hating it is worth it.  Every sleepless night (whether it's from being uncomfortable or due to worry) is worth is.  Every ache and pain is a sign that my babies are growing.  And the worry and fear are signs that even at this early stage I'm already a good Mom.  It is so worth it.  

THE Year

Happy New Year friends!  I hope that everyone survived and possibly even enjoyed the holidays.  I know despite the fact of having so much to celebrate this year I'm a little relieved they are over!  I already wrote a reflection of my Different Kind of Christmas this year.  And while it was wonderful it was also.....weird.  To be in such a different place after I've gotten so used to where I was felt redeeming and a little unsettling all at once.  I think through this whole pregnancy I've just been waiting for the ball to drop.  I've thought more times than I can count that things were just going TOO well.  There's days I am deliriously happy and other days where the fear is almost paralyzing.  So my thoughts on the end of 2015 and the beginning of 2016 aren't as cut and dried as you would think.

Obviously ending 2015 15 weeks pregnant was a dream come true.  I still cannot believe we've made it this far.  I can't believe I've sat through ultrasounds where I watched my TWINS moving and squirming inside my body.  After all the failure and heartbreak it's still all a little unbelievable to me.  However even though 2015 was the year that brought us these miracles, overall it wasn't the best year ever.  We started with our final failed transfer at our local clinic.  We transferred our two (according to them) genetically normal embryos and the results were a giant Big Fat Negative.  We had already had our phone consult with Dr. Schoolcraft from CCRM and were planning on starting our journey with them if this transfer failed.  But I know there was a big part of me that didn't think it would come to that.  So while I was devastated by that failure I was still comforted that we had a new plan in place.  However the hardest part of that failure was watching what it did to D.  He had always been so positive and so hopeful through all of our cycles.  This failure was truly the one that broke him.  He clearly had just been humoring me with our plans to go to CCRM and never dreamed it would become a reality.  I watched him go through all of the stages of grief after that failure knowing that there was nothing I could do to make it better.  His anger and sadness was so out of character and frankly scared me to death.  There were nights I wondered if he'd ever "go back" to his old self.  And I carried so much guilt and responsibility for the state he was in.  There were times I felt as if that alone would crush me.

With some time Derek was able to deal with his grief and to wrap his mind around Colorado.  I remember sitting on the plane heading to Colorado for our One Day Work Up. He just seemed angry and bitter that he was even on the plane.  But a great first experience at CCRM did wonders to his perspective.  We both left with a renewed sense of hope that this was the answer for us.

You all know the story.  Our prep for the first CCRM cycle was interrupted by a spontaneous pregnancy.  I'll never forget the shock that I felt when the monitoring doctor told me that they had found a gestational sac during what I thought was my suppression ultrasound.  How could we not have thought that was a our miracle and our redemption?  The timing and circumstances just seemed so perfect.  The feeling of sitting in that first sono and actually having something to see for the first time after all the failures is indescribable.  And seeing and hearing the little heartbeat - I thought my own heart would burst with joy.  Then to have it all come crashing down.  I've sat through a sono before that should have showed a 7 week baby, but there was nothing to see.  It was the worst experience of my life up until this point.  Sitting at that 9 week sono and having the tech go from the wand on my belly to internal.  Searching, searching for a heartbeat that wasn't there any longer, only to call in my sweet OB to confirm.  She held my hand and cried with us as she looked at the silent screen.  This was not our time.  No matter how perfect the circumstances seemed.  The next couple of weeks are a complete blur.  I wrote about the actual miscarriage and don't have the strength even today to get in to how terrible it was again.  I don't know how I survived the pain.  I woke up each morning wishing, praying that it was all just over.  But somehow we were able to drag ourselves out of the hole and resume life.  Looking back it's probably a good thing that it took so long for my HCG to come down.  It gave us the time we really needed to deal with what had happened rather than just shoving it aside and rushing into the next cycle (my typical go-to plan).  It's one of those experiences in your life that define you.  There's the before and the after.  And I can honestly say that I will be forever changed by that heartache and grief.

So no 2015 was not the best year ever.  Although it ended in the absolute best way I could have ever dreamed of.  Looking ahead to 2016 it scares me to think that this *should* be THE year.  The year we bring our sweet babies home.  The year our family is finally, finally complete.  The year I become a mother and make the love of my life's dreams come true.  This *should* be our year.  But there's still so far to go, so many obstacles to overcome.  I know as well as anyone just how precious life is and how quickly it can be taken away and your circumstances can change.  And because I know that I cherish every second of this pregnancy.  I know I talk a lot about my worries and fears and believe me they have not diminished as we navigate our 2nd trimester and wrap up our 4th month of pregnancy.  But I am enjoying this pregnancy as much as I"m capable of after what I've experienced.  I wake up every day grateful for more one day of being these babies mommy.   I pray every day that they continue to grow and develop into healthy babies that we will one day hold in our arms.  I thank God for our miracles.  And I let myself believe that this will be THE year.

A Different Kind of Christmas

There's just something about the holidays.  It seems as if they either invoke so much happiness and joy or just complete despair.  No in between.  My last two Christmases haven't been what I'd call stellar.  2013 we were in the midst of our first 2ww from our first IVF.  Although I was hopeful I was still scared, anxious, worried, and wondering.  Last year I was in Depot Lupron hell.  We were awaiting our 5th IVF transfer and did 2 months of Depot Lupron after a hysteroscopy to treat my endometriosis.  After a failed transfer in Aug. I was hoping to transfer that Oct. but obviously that didn't happen.  I was stuck in the Waiting Room.  Wishing and hoping desperately for a baby and becoming more and more discouraged with each passing day.  I remember just making a pile of unopened Christmas cards.  I couldn't bear the idea of opening them and seeing all of the sweet smiling faces of kiddos and families.  All I wanted was to fast forward to 2015, a new year, a fresh start.  One I was hoping and praying would finally bring us the start of our family.  

One would have thought this year Christmas would be an absolutely magical time.  And believe me part of it was.  But there was another part of me that just can't forget the feeling of another year passing and being no closer to having the child you want so desperately.  In fact it wasn't that long ago that I assumed I would still be in that boat this Christmas.  We thought we'd be in the midst of the Family Building Plan at CCRM right now.  I had hoped to have at least one retrieval under my belt, and another one scheduled for the beginning of 2016.   However it would still be MONTHS before we'd be in a position to transfer IF we had any normal embryos.  So much waiting.  So many unknowns.

And while I"m absolutely thrilled that we spent this Christmas 14 weeks pregnant with our miracle twins (twins you guys, it still feels like a dream) I'm still having trouble believing this is really happening.  My little bump seems to be growing each day.  Every 2 weeks we have a sono and I get to see these little loves moving and growing and just being simply amazing.  Yet, I still get nervous or uncomfortable when the conversation is focused on the babies and the future.  I still feel gun shy about buying anything related to the twins.  I've made zero effort to even clean out their bedroom, much less do any measuring, painting, etc. etc.  All the books I've read suggest you have everything done and ready to go at 24 weeks when pregnant with identical twins like ours.  And here I am 15 weeks and I can't even commit to a shower date. 

So on Christmas morning as I sat enjoying the lights of our Christmas tree with Chloe snuggled up beside me I was so filled with happiness, yet there was a part of me that was so sad.  My wounds from our infertility battle are far from healed.  I still remember entirely too clearly what it feels like to watch those lights and wonder if every Christmas will continue to be this quiet and lonely.  If there will ever be Christmas presents under that tree for your own children.  If you'll be able to get through the family gathering without breaking down.  I remember what it feels like to want it all just to be over.  And my heart breaks for everyone who is still living that nightmare.

Yes this year was a different kind of Christmas for us.  One I'm so very thankful to have experienced.  But the hurt and pain don't just disappear.  I'll forever be marked, changed by what we went through.  And I understand what it feels like to be in that moment.  For those of you still there I'm thinking about you and praying for all of you every day.  And hoping that this time next year you'll be experiencing your own different kind of Christmas.  

New Doctor, Same Ol' Worries

Tomorrow is my appointment with the Maternal Fetal Specialist.  While the idea of a 4D ultrasound is super exciting of course I'm also nervous.  My assumption is since I'll be 13 weeks is they will be doing the NT scan that is typically done between 11 - 14 weeks since it hasn't been done at my OB office.  So obviously lots of prayers that everything looks good and there aren't any abnormalities found.  We are still doing the first trimester screening Harmony test but we'll re-draw for that next week at my OB office so it will be another 7-10 days from that appointment until we get those results.

The last few days I've been having some discomfort.  It's mostly felt like some pressure or a dull ache in my pelvis region.  I've definitely had what I believe are round ligament pains.  When I roll over in bed or sneeze or get up too fast I'll have kind of a stabbing pain near my groin.  I have read that the dull ache is associated with round ligament pain as well.  Today I've had what I would call some minor cramping which also has me worried.  I finally broke down and called my doctor's office.  The nurse was very kind and assured me that she thinks it's just stretching and growing from the babies.  She advised to drink lots of water and take it easy so that's what I'm doing.  Just praying so hard that all is still well.  I don't mind the discomfort at all, it's just the worry that something might be wrong.

In more exciting news we have started to spread the news to our friends and extended families.  We had some "announcement" pictures taken and have been using them to share our news.  We still haven't made a big Facebook announcement.  I'm actually struggling with that.  D is trying to decide how much of our story he's comfortable sharing.  And being on the receiving end of those announcements for years while we were trying so desperately makes me never want someone else to feel the way I have felt.   However I do remember a specific announcement of a friend from college that I'm not necessarily close with.  When she announced she shared their struggle, as well as an open invitation to reach out for anyone else who might be struggling, having lived through it.  So I think if we do decide on a FB announcement I'd like to do something similar.  Ultimately her story gave me hope and another resource/perspective/shoulder during my struggle.  To this day I still smile every time I see a post with a picture of her sweet toddler.

This brings me to another topic I've been struggling with.  When some friends have heard our news I've had a couple people ask us if the twins were "natural".  Even though we've kept the details of our struggle private most people know we have been trying for a couple years now.  So even if they aren't in the know they can speculate.  The question rubs me wrong for several reasons.  First what is the alternative to natural - unnatural??  Regardless of how any child is conceived there's never an unnatural way.  A child isn't less or more if you got pregnant on your own vs, help from treatments, vs. donor eggs or sperm or adoption.  Next - why does it matter??  Outside of people just being nosy I don't see why it matters if we conceived on our own or had help?  Finally after everything we've been through I'm almost hesitant to admit that these miracles are a result of an unassisted cycle.  The main reason being because I feel like it validates the stupid comments that we all hear so often.  That if we just relax it will happen, or it happened when we stopped trying, etc. etc.  The second reason is because I know this is not a typical ending for someone struggling with infertility.  I know it DOES happen (obviously) but most people will NEED some sort of assistance to grow their family.  Part of me feels like we are one of the few lucky ones but then when I think back to everything we've gone through and all the heartache it's pretty hard to feel lucky.  The one thing I do know is these babies are a gift from God, our miracles.  I have no idea if we'd be where we are today if we hadn't gone through everything we have.  My gut tells me we wouldn't.  And it's been worth every pill, every uncomfortable exam, every injection, every tear.  These babies are worth all of that and more.  I only wish that every couple who struggles with infertility was guaranteed a happy ending.  I know that's not the case.  So I guess that does make us one of the lucky ones.

12 weeks and counting.........

One more milestone down!  We had our sono today (11 weeks 6 days) and it was absolutely amazing!  The babies are SO big you guys.  Like big enough we didn't even need to zoom in!  They measured 12 weeks 2 days and 11 weeks 6 days.  Although Baby B was curled up a little bit and they were both moving around like crazy.  I'm talking arms and legs going like crazy.  It was absolutely mind blowing.  Their heart rates were 166 and 158.  We had trouble getting the second heart rate because he or she was moving around SO much.  

In other exciting news the small hemorrage I had was no where to be found (yeah!) and my cervix was long and closed and looked great.  In unexciting news we found out that we'll need to retest for my 1st trimester screening test.  We drew it at 9 weeks 6 days and due to the fact that it's twins there wasn't enough of the sample to test for both of them.  My doctor reassured me multiple times that there's no correlation with something being wrong and having to retest so I'm trying to trust her and not freak out about it.  On their website it does say to do the test between 11-14 weeks but my office said anytime after 10 weeks was okay.  So more waiting on those results.  I go to see the MFM for the first time next week so I'm hoping that sono will offer us some reassurance during that wait.  

So here we are.  Entering week 12.  Wow.  I never dreamed we would actually get here.  I know there's still a long way to go, but for today my heart is so happy and thankful.  

Below are pictures of our miracles.  OUR BABIES.  Wow.  

The Cycle

Well here we are again.  The day before sono day.  I just can't shake the worry and fears.  Tomorrow I will be 11 weeks 6 days.  Not only do we have our sono but we'll get the results from our first trimester screening test, the Harmony test which provides advanced screening for chromosomes 21 (down syndrome), 13 and 18 (which are the most common chronological disorders).

It's really hard to think of anything else but what tomorrow might bring.  The thought of getting through the day with all good news brings me such relief and hope.  The fear that something is wrong is paralyzing.  I pray throughout the day all day long that these little ones are continuing to grow and develop into healthy babies.  But when push comes to shove I just don't trust my body.  It has let me down so many times before.  And while I want so badly to think that this is finally our time I just can't be sure.

I was feeling much better as I started my 11th week.  Less tired and generally just less of the overall crappy feeling I'd been struggling with.  I had a few good days then a really bad day yesterday and today isn't much better.  I'm still taking the progesterone suppositories.  And now with the placenta starting to take over and hopefully produce it's own progesterone I wonder if I'm on overload.  I'm terribly bloated (when I wake up in the morning I just look pudgy but by bedtime I look blatantly pregnant), struggling with food, and the last couple days overly tired again.  I'm hoping these are all good signs.  Honestly I would feel like crap happily every day if it meant my babies were growing and doing well.

We also finally have our first appointment with the MFM scheduled for next week.  I know if by some miracle everything is okay tomorrow I will be anxiously awaiting that appointment.  D and I have decided if we get through all of that and everything is good then we'll make an announcement about the pregnancy.  I know our families are dying to shout it from the rooftops and there's a part of me that is too, but another part that is just so scared of something going wrong still.  Infertility is hard but one thing I never knew was how hard pregnancy after infertility is.  Don't get me wrong I'll take the fear of pregnancy any day over the struggle with infertility.  But it just seems that after we fight as hard as we do to become pregnant it should be an easy stress free road.  Maybe it is for some, but not the case for me.

So I ask you all, yet again, to say some prayers for our babies tonight.  We are praying so hard that the screening comes back low risk/normal and that both of our little miracles have continued to grow on schedule with strong heart beats.  As always thanks for the love and support and here's to hoping we are entering the 2nd trimester!

A wedding and a not so secret pregnancy

I am the worse blogger ever.  I can't believe I didn't update after our appointment last week.  If there's anyone waiting on pins and needles everything was great.  On Wednesday at the appointment we were 9 weeks 6 days.  Baby A measured 10 weeks exactly with a heart rate of 165bpm.  Baby B measured 9 weeks 5 days with the same heart rate of 164.  You guys they were both jumping around like crazy.  We had a hard time getting an accurate reading on Baby B's heart and length since he or she was moving so much.  It was so crazy.  My mom and my mother in law both came with me since we decided to have D stay at work for this one (he's a teacher and has missed so much school with these appointments).  We ended up FaceTiming him so it was basically a circus in the sono room.  But such a relief that they were both doing great.  This still just all feels like a dream to me.  It's so hard for me to actually wrap my head around the fact that we've made it this far.

We had a great holiday.  On Thursday we traveled to have Thanksgiving with my extended family.  My Aunt and Grandma already knew about the babies but I got to tell my two cousins that I'm closest with, which was a lot of fun.  I wanted to wait until 12 weeks to tell them but my Mom was literally bursting with the news so I caved.  Then this weekend my brother in law got married.  Our family has been consumed with wedding plans for months now so it was very exciting that it was finally here.  D and I both stood up with them so it was a crazy weekend of running around to get everything decorated and set up and then a long day on Saturday at the salon, taking pictures, etc.  Between my expanding waist and all the bloat there really wasn't much hiding the fact that I'm pregnant in my bridesmaid dress.  I got the first question about it Friday night at the Rehearsal dinner and they just kept coming on Sat.  For those that flat out asked if I was pregnant (yes, several people did that?!) I just told them that it was still early and due to the issues we've had in the past we weren't telling people until we were out of the first trimester.  Most of the people that asked knew at the very least that we've been trying a long time, and some of them even knew we've had multiple miscarriages.  There were a couple people who I am not remotely close with who flat out asked which was just shocking to me.  You'd think after almost three years of struggling I'd be used to it.

That was our weekend in a nutshell.  So much to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.  As I said before it still just doesn't seem real.  This week I'm traveling for work all week long.  So there's not even the possiblity for a sono.  Which is scary to me.  Our next appointment is scheduled for Wed. Dec. 9th at our OBGYN's office.  However we should get a call from the MFM specialist this week.  If they can see us next week then we'll bump our appointment at my OB's as there's no sense in seeing both of them the same week.  I'm anxious to get into the MFM so I hope they call soon.  We also did the Harmony first trimester screening tests last week.  For those of you that aren't familiar they now have very advanced blood tests for the first trimester screening.  It will test for all of the common genetic disorders such as Down Syndrome, Trisomy 18, etc.  They are much more accurate than the old quad marker tests.  In addition they can tell you sex of the baby which was super exciting until my nurse broke it to me that with twins it won't be able to tell us.  Which surprises me especially since they are identical?  But honestly I'm not even disappointed about that.  I have zero preference as far as the sex goes.  I just want them to be healthy.  I get sick to my stomach when I start thinking about getting those test results so I'm trying just to put it out of my mind and I"m praying every day that they just continue to grow into healthy babies. The test results usually take 7-10 days but with the holidays my doctor's office said to expect two weeks.  So we should get the results about the same time as our next sono appointment.  If by some miracle those results come back normal and we get through the first 4D sono at the MFM's office with no red flags I will be absolutely beside myself.  I know there's still so much risk but those are some big milestones for sure.  If all is well we will officially make an announcement.  I've been thinking a lot about how I want to do that,

Real or Not Real

The title to this post has two meanings.  The first being it was opening weekend for the last Hunger Games movie which I went and saw and it was awesome.  The second is of course, related to this pregnancy.

Each day is filled with worry on if everything is progressing as it should be.  On Wednesday of last week, the day after our Scary Morning, I got a call from the doctor's office saying that my progesterone level was at 15 and they wanted me to start on suppositories.  My OBGYN likes to see your progesterone above 20, although I know CCRM told me that 9 was the lowest end of "normal".  After panicking and researching I discovered that progesterone levels can/do fluctuate during the day.  Most of my appointments have been in the morning but my last blood draw was an afternoon appointment.  I also read that starting week 8-9 progesterone levels *can* decrease as the placenta starts to take over (though this won't be complete until week 12ish).  You would think all of that information would make me feel better.  Nope.  The fact that I had some bleeding (even though they could give me an answer for why it was happening and weren't concerned) with the decreasing progesterone levels has made me feel like it's the beginning of the end of this pregnancy.  I'm just so terrified of losing these precious babies.  And it consumes me.  I know it's not good for me or the babies.  And I do everything I can to try and think positive thoughts.  But after all we've been through it's just so hard NOT to worry and obsess.  I had a couple days where I felt pretty good, which of course makes me nervous.  In addition now that I started the progesterone I find no comfort in my symptoms since they can all be attributed to the suppositories.

I've also taken to obsessing over my belly.  By the end of the day it's actually pretty big due to all the bloating.  But when I wake up in the morning it really doesn't look any different than when I was not pregnant except maybe slightly noticeable that I've gained a couple pounds.  My regular clothes fit fine in the morning although they are uncomfortable by the evening due to the bloat.  At 9 1/2 weeks I just feel like with twins I should be showing more.  However this is obviously my first baby(ies) and I'm 5'8' tall with a long torso. Plus the babies are still the size of peanuts (literally that's the food reference this week) so how big should I really be?

Welcome to my world of crazy.  These are the thoughts that run through my mind non stop every day.  I'm actually relieved to be back at work today so I have more of a distraction to keep my mind occupied.  Wednesday is our next sono at 9 weeks 6 days.  I know I say this every time but I feel like this is a big milestone for us.  If all is okay on Wed. our next appointment will be our 12 week with the MFM.  There's a million other worries associated with that appointment but I won't even go there now.  One milestone at a time.  I pray constantly throughout the day for these two little miracles that God has blessed us with.  And I'll gladly deal with the worry and stress for the whole 9 months to get two little healthy babies at the end.  I'll endure absolutely anything for their health and safety.  I just pray so hard that I get that chance.

Letting go of the Worries

It's Monday also known as 8 weeks 4 days!  I survived the weekend which included a bachelorette party for my future sister in law.  Fake drinking is HARD girls.  I'm pretty sure a few of the girls were suspicious but it is what it is.  I managed to stay out with the group until 11:30pm but then I gave in and went back to the hotel.  Yesterday I slept from 11:30-3:30 in the afternoon and still fell asleep on the couch before 9pm.  So.  Tired.  I'm still have really sore boobs, and just a general feeling of ickiness most days.  But no throwing up yet which is good I guess.  I'd gladly puke my guts out every day if it gave me some reassurance but honestly I don't think anything is capable of that.

As I mentioned in my last post I am not scheduled to go back to the doctor until the Wed. before Thanksgiving.  I decided this morning that just wasn't going to work.  I just couldn't wait that long without knowing if the babies were okay.  So I called my OB today and they scheduled me for a sono tomorrow morning.  I feel a little bit crazy but honestly I don't even care.  I'm hoping and praying so hard that everything is still good and it will offer me a little bit of reassurance.  I can't even think about the alternative.

Realistically I know that at some point I am going to have to go longer than 7 days but I just decided that doesn't need to be in the first trimester.  My hope is after we get through 12 weeks I'll feel a little bit better and will be able to make it the 2 weeks between appointments.  There's really no reason for me to be anxious.  I haven't had any bleeding, my symptoms haven't gone away.  I have been having what I'd call a pulling or stretching sensation along with some pressure in my uterus.  It's not painful so I wouldn't call it cramps but it has been pretty consistent the last two days.  The hope is it's just things stretching and growing in there but with everything that's happened I just can't rest easy.  A part of me wonders that even if everything is okay if I'll ever be able to relax.

The Power of Prayer

You guys.  God is SO good.  As are all of the amazing people in our life who love, support and pray for us.  Every single one of our prayers were answered today.  The babies are both doing great.  They are BOTH measuring exactly the same at 8 weeks (1.53cm) which is actually a day ahead!  Baby A's heartbeat was 148 and Baby B's (I really need to come up with better names for them!) was 160.  I could tell right away that they have both grown SO much!  We confirmed that there are two yolk sacs which as I mentioned before is a strong indicator that there is a membrane separating them.  The yolk sacs are actually overlapping - one is in front of the other.  They are the blob between the babies in the sono picture.

I don't really have words for my feelings.  Of course the worry and fear has not left.  But aside from that I'm feeling just completely overwhelmed with joy and hope, happiness and love.  I find myself in tears on and off all day long just thinking about them.  And even though the fear and anxiety is always present I'm doing my best to really ENJOY this pregnancy as much as I can.  D walks around beaming from ear to ear.  He's so so happy you guys.  I know that we both have had some dark times but I guess I hadn't realized just how much this has affected him until now.  Until I see him rejoicing and filled with hope.  And to know that I am a part of giving him a gift that has made him this happy just overwhelms me.  In my darkest times I've felt as if this wasn't happening for us because I didn't deserve it.  And the fact that he does, so much, more than anyone in this world just broke me.  To be able to help heal his shattered heart, it just fills me up.  I love this man so much and he will be the very best father.  Of that I am sure. (cue more uncontrollable tears).

So this is where we are.  I'm amazed and in awe and so very thankful for our current state.  I know it's still so early and a lot can happen but for today we celebrate and give thanks.  One day at a time, one milestone at a time.

We will go back to see my OB in 2 weeks for another sono.  If everything is good we'll do our first trimester screenings then.  They also are calling in a referral for me to the Maternal Fetal Specialist.  They will call me to set up an appointment but they warned me they probably won't want to see me until 12 weeks.  Between the two offices I'll have appointments every two weeks and ultrasounds to hear the heartbeats at each appointment.  Two weeks is feeling SO far away right now.  But I am hopeful that the time passes quickly and I'm praying every second that God continues to help these babies grow and development and that they are healthy.

Twins.  Can you believe it?

Feeling all the Feels

Feeling all the Feels.  I love this expression as there's usually so many different emotions tied to the BIG events or circumstances in our lives.  This seems especially true for my current situation.  Today I am 7 weeks 4 days (note the use of my present term vs. the word *should* - that's my positivity people!).  I think the shock of the news is slowly starting to wear off.  I'm still constantly looking at the ultrasound pictures in awe but it feels more real to me.  Physically I feel like I'm getting bigger everyday.  My fitted clothes are definitely uncomfortable and my waist seems to be disappearing fast.  I've gained approx. 4lbs already which feels like A LOT to me.  However I still think a portion of this can be attributed to bloating.  I've been feeling pretty crappy overall which is great news!  My boobs have been very sore, I've been really tired and just feel..... off.  Still no morning sickness or even really any nausea.  It's more that nothing sounds good to eat.  But I am constantly STARVING.  But when I do eat I feel like I get full really quickly.  Like I can't eat another bite but I'm still hungry.  It's the oddest thing.  I did read an article that all this is common in twin pregnancies.  In fact I was shocked that the whole article described everything I've been feeling.  So that was reassuring.

Saturday I had a good day where I felt pretty good.  As the day went on I noticed that my boobs weren't hurting at all.  Not really even a little bit.  Of course that sent me into a spiral of my pregnancy symptoms were disappearing and we had lost BOTH babies and how the hell was I ever going to deal with that.  Poor D did the best he could to talk me off the ledge.  By that evening I felt like my boobs were starting to hurt again and yesterday everything was back in full force and I was feeling awful and slept from 11am-2pm and still went to bed at 8:45 and slept until 6am this morning (Of course I got up to pee twice).  So I'm praying constantly that both babies are growing and developing and everything is going well.

Enough of the BAD feelings and onto the good.  Obviously when we think about the concept of this actually working out we are overcome with excitement.  I'm not naive guys.  I know having twins would be HARD.  I know we'll be exhausted and overwhelmed and terrified for a million new reason when (not IF, but when) they get here.  But truly this is a dream come true for us.  Looking past the first trimester (which is obviously very hard for me) I know there's a lot of potential complications just with the pregnancy alone, not to mention the babies if they come early.  I've done my research on the different type of twins.  You can see from the sono picture below it appears both babies are in the same amniotic sac.  If that is in fact the case that would make them MoMoTwins (monoamniotic).  Basically they would share the same sac and placenta and they are very high risk due to the possibility of cord entanglement.  However at this early stage it can be difficult to see the membrane that separates the sacs.  It's more likely to see it between 8-10 weeks and a lot of times they won't be able to tell until your second trimester.  In addition we saw 2 yolk sacs at our last ultrasound which is not a guarantee but a good indicator there will be two sacs.  Honestly none of that is scaring me at the moment.  All I am concerned with is that they BOTH keep growing.  If God can just bless us with two healthy babies we will get through whatever difficulties and obstacles come our way.  I know we can do this.

So aside from the terror and the excitement there's also wonder, curiosity, anxiety, hope, anticipation, HAPPINESS, and finally So.  Much.  Love.  I love both these little babies so much you guys.  They already have my whole heart and there's nothing I want more than to bring them both into this world.
I feel like I have asked so much of you guys but I'm again asking you to continue to pray for these little love bugs.  Our next sono is Wednesday morning when I'll be 7 weeks 6 days.  Below is our sono picture from last Wednesday!

(That blob in between them is Baby B's yolk sac.  You can't see Baby A's in this picture).

Shock

I don't even know how to start this post.  Yesterday was definitely one of the most stressful days of my life.  I was sick to my stomach all day with worry about the pending ultrasound.  The day took forever and I couldn't concentrate on anything else.  Work was a complete disaster.  Finally it was time for me to leave and head to the appointment.  D was waiting for me in the parking lot.  When we got there I had to pee of course so I went back to use the restroom and saw my doctor when I was walking out.  She took one look at me and dropped everything and came over to give me a hug.  She just told me to take a couple deep breaths and they'd get me back there as soon as possible.  I returned to the waiting room and we sat there for what felt like forever.  Finally they called us back and it was a new sono tech that I hadn't met or dealt with before.  She asked how far along I was and I immediately just started spilling our whole story to her.  Like I needed to prepare HER in case it was bad news.  She left so I could get undressed and I was literally shaking all over.  When she finally came back and we got started as soon as she put the wand in I was searching the screen for the sac, which I saw right away and I could see a small white blob in it.  As she was zooming in she said "Oh I see a little heartbeat".  I immediately got tears in my eyes and said "You do??"  She confirmed and then I will never forget what happened next..........

She said "And there's the other one....I thought I saw two".

Silence.  Confusion.  Finally I was like "Are you serious?"  And she said "Yep, here's the first baby and there's the second.  I see heartbeats for both but we will measure and listen to them separately".  At some point I said my husband's name in a panicked tone and I remember him saying "It's okay, it's okay".  I'm not sure either of us said much after that.  I'm pretty sure we're still in shock.  I just cannot believe it.  Twins.  Naturally.  Wow.

Yesterday I was 6 weeks 6 days.  Baby A was measuring 6 weeks 2 days with a heartbeat of 115 (they said they just wanted to see it over 100 at this point).  Baby B was measuring 6 weeks 5 days with a heartbeat of 128.  Obviously I'm a little concerned about baby A measuring behind but no one else seemed to be at all.  I am just praying so hard that he or she continues to grow grow grow this week.

I feel greedy but I want them both.  So So badly.  Being 35 and with our history I had basically come to peace with it being a miracle if we got one baby.  I had let go of my dreams of having more than one child and pushed aside my sadness of that child not having a sibling.  But once I saw those little heartbeats I was done.  It feels selfish and greedy and like I'm asking for SO much but I want them both in my arms in approx. 30 weeks.

Here in my "safe" spot I'll be completely honest and vulnerable that the thought did cross my  mind that with two maybe, just maybe one of them will actually make it.  It feels completely unrealistic to me to think that both of these beautiful tiny little specks of life will make it.  But once again, I want them both so much.  I am praying with everything in me that next week at our second sono they BOTH have strong heartbeats and good growth.  Obviously this all just seems too good to be true but I can't help but to hope and wonder......is this my redemption story?