What it's all about

Somehow in what feels like overnight my babies have turned three months old. This past month has been filled with what I'm slowly learning motherhood is all about. Joy. Frustration. Love. Tears (both happy and sad) Fulfillment. Exhaustion. Worry. Stress. Fear. Hope. Happiness. Did I say Love?  

How has so much changed in such a short time. This month we struggled with the onset of reflux. It.  Is.  Terrible.  After a lot of trial and error and a set back we have it mostly under control.  Feeding time is definitely not my favorite as they both still fight you when being burped and sometimes I can tell they are in pain.  But we are working through it.  The good news is that it hasn't deterred them from eating at all (as you can tell from the pictures below - they don't miss any meals!).  And we've dramatically improved from when they would cry for an hour after every feeding.  

On a brighter note this month has brought ALL THE SMILES. Brody is my more easy going twin. All you really have to do is talk to him and he smiles so big his eyes squint shut. His toothless, gummy grin absolutely melts my heart. Sometimes when I'm feeding him I have to stop making eye contact with him because he just smiles the whole time and the bottle falls out of his mouth. Braxton has definitely been my more reserved twin. However the last week or so he's really been coming out of his shell and his smiles are coming more freely. He seems more thoughtful to me and like he's carefully listening to and weighing everything you say to him. I feel like he's a natural observer and doesn't miss a thing. He's still just a little bit more needy than Brody as far as Mama's time goes.  I think he's be our sweet and thoughtful one while Brody will be the comedian and more outgoing.      

It's really hard to believe that these boys were born 5 weeks premature. They are so chunky you

 guys. They have rolls for days and I seriously can not get enough of them. I can't believe how much they've grown and I continue to be shocked by the scale every time I weigh them. They are busting out of their 3 month clothes and fitting pretty comfortably into 6 months. They have moved up in to size 2 diapers. At some point I'm assuming they will start growing up rather than out, as there's not much further they can go in that direction! 

This month D also went back to work as the school year started. In addition he coaches football so that means he leaves the house around 7am and gets home around 6:30 ish. It's definitely been an adjustment for both me and the boys as they learn that there's only one person here now. I'm proud to say that while we still have difficult moments, for the most part we have a pretty good schedule down and are figuring it out. I go back to work 2 weeks from today - but I'm just not ready to talk about that. 

I'm trying desperately to think of something new and original to say about my motherhood journey but it all comes back to the same emotions and feelings of overwhelming love and gratitude. I will say that one of the most rewarding changes this month has been I feel like they have really started to prefer me. We've been fortunate to have so much help which has been amazing. But I did worry at one point that with so many people around all the time they wouldn't really know/understand who Mommy was. Those fears have definitely gone away this month. They not only clearly know who I am but their cries can be calmed (sometimes) just by seeing my face. They are starting to be a little picky about how is holding them and are now recognizing when Mommy is holding brother. 

While I'm loving where we are now there's so much I"m looking forward to. Them sitting up on their own (primarily to help with the reflux), when they start reaching for me, incorporating solids (they are SO hungry), and of course more of their personalities coming out.

In an effort to keep this as honest and real as possible I won't gloss over the not so great moments.  There's nights I only get a couple hours of broken sleep between the two of them.  There's days where they cry for the majority of the almost 12 hours that I'm home alone with them and I don't feel like I'll make it another moment.  There's frustration and hurt feelings when I can't calm one of them down.  And there's sometimes resentment after particularly hard days that Derek gets to shower and get out of the house and socialize.  But the good days out number the bad.  And I wouldn't change one second of it for the world.  This is what I wanted.  The good, bad and ugly.  This is what I fought for, prayed for, waited so long for.  This, in all it's entirely, is what it's all about.  This is my life you guys.  How lucky am I to live it?

All ready to watch Daddy's football team!

 

Braxton 2 months

Brody 2 months

GQ

All American Boys

Looking so handsome

Braxton 3 months

Brody 3 months

THE Year

Happy New Year friends!  I hope that everyone survived and possibly even enjoyed the holidays.  I know despite the fact of having so much to celebrate this year I'm a little relieved they are over!  I already wrote a reflection of my Different Kind of Christmas this year.  And while it was wonderful it was also.....weird.  To be in such a different place after I've gotten so used to where I was felt redeeming and a little unsettling all at once.  I think through this whole pregnancy I've just been waiting for the ball to drop.  I've thought more times than I can count that things were just going TOO well.  There's days I am deliriously happy and other days where the fear is almost paralyzing.  So my thoughts on the end of 2015 and the beginning of 2016 aren't as cut and dried as you would think.

Obviously ending 2015 15 weeks pregnant was a dream come true.  I still cannot believe we've made it this far.  I can't believe I've sat through ultrasounds where I watched my TWINS moving and squirming inside my body.  After all the failure and heartbreak it's still all a little unbelievable to me.  However even though 2015 was the year that brought us these miracles, overall it wasn't the best year ever.  We started with our final failed transfer at our local clinic.  We transferred our two (according to them) genetically normal embryos and the results were a giant Big Fat Negative.  We had already had our phone consult with Dr. Schoolcraft from CCRM and were planning on starting our journey with them if this transfer failed.  But I know there was a big part of me that didn't think it would come to that.  So while I was devastated by that failure I was still comforted that we had a new plan in place.  However the hardest part of that failure was watching what it did to D.  He had always been so positive and so hopeful through all of our cycles.  This failure was truly the one that broke him.  He clearly had just been humoring me with our plans to go to CCRM and never dreamed it would become a reality.  I watched him go through all of the stages of grief after that failure knowing that there was nothing I could do to make it better.  His anger and sadness was so out of character and frankly scared me to death.  There were nights I wondered if he'd ever "go back" to his old self.  And I carried so much guilt and responsibility for the state he was in.  There were times I felt as if that alone would crush me.

With some time Derek was able to deal with his grief and to wrap his mind around Colorado.  I remember sitting on the plane heading to Colorado for our One Day Work Up. He just seemed angry and bitter that he was even on the plane.  But a great first experience at CCRM did wonders to his perspective.  We both left with a renewed sense of hope that this was the answer for us.

You all know the story.  Our prep for the first CCRM cycle was interrupted by a spontaneous pregnancy.  I'll never forget the shock that I felt when the monitoring doctor told me that they had found a gestational sac during what I thought was my suppression ultrasound.  How could we not have thought that was a our miracle and our redemption?  The timing and circumstances just seemed so perfect.  The feeling of sitting in that first sono and actually having something to see for the first time after all the failures is indescribable.  And seeing and hearing the little heartbeat - I thought my own heart would burst with joy.  Then to have it all come crashing down.  I've sat through a sono before that should have showed a 7 week baby, but there was nothing to see.  It was the worst experience of my life up until this point.  Sitting at that 9 week sono and having the tech go from the wand on my belly to internal.  Searching, searching for a heartbeat that wasn't there any longer, only to call in my sweet OB to confirm.  She held my hand and cried with us as she looked at the silent screen.  This was not our time.  No matter how perfect the circumstances seemed.  The next couple of weeks are a complete blur.  I wrote about the actual miscarriage and don't have the strength even today to get in to how terrible it was again.  I don't know how I survived the pain.  I woke up each morning wishing, praying that it was all just over.  But somehow we were able to drag ourselves out of the hole and resume life.  Looking back it's probably a good thing that it took so long for my HCG to come down.  It gave us the time we really needed to deal with what had happened rather than just shoving it aside and rushing into the next cycle (my typical go-to plan).  It's one of those experiences in your life that define you.  There's the before and the after.  And I can honestly say that I will be forever changed by that heartache and grief.

So no 2015 was not the best year ever.  Although it ended in the absolute best way I could have ever dreamed of.  Looking ahead to 2016 it scares me to think that this *should* be THE year.  The year we bring our sweet babies home.  The year our family is finally, finally complete.  The year I become a mother and make the love of my life's dreams come true.  This *should* be our year.  But there's still so far to go, so many obstacles to overcome.  I know as well as anyone just how precious life is and how quickly it can be taken away and your circumstances can change.  And because I know that I cherish every second of this pregnancy.  I know I talk a lot about my worries and fears and believe me they have not diminished as we navigate our 2nd trimester and wrap up our 4th month of pregnancy.  But I am enjoying this pregnancy as much as I"m capable of after what I've experienced.  I wake up every day grateful for more one day of being these babies mommy.   I pray every day that they continue to grow and develop into healthy babies that we will one day hold in our arms.  I thank God for our miracles.  And I let myself believe that this will be THE year.

The results are in....

Sorry that I've fallen off the blogosphere. (Is that a word?). The last few days have been some of the hardest of my life. My first beta was Wednesday morning. I was a nervous wreck going in. Sweet Jo took my blood and Jenny and Brian came over to study me to see if I looked pregnant. :)  Jenny told me that if I wanted to know the results she would tell me but that they basically didn't mean anything until we see what happens on Friday. I told her I didn't know what I wanted to do and id let her know. My thoughts on this was which was worse. Getting a positive today and having it drop on Friday. Or just hearing it's negative today. After a few hours of debate as I sat at my desk doing absolutely no work I decided just to let it go. I considered it another step in turning over control to God. Needlesss to say Wed and Thurs were the longest days of my life. I thought of nothing else and obsessed over every symptom and lack of symptom.  I'm not sure how I survived but somehow Friday morning came. I spent the morning in tears. Just feeling absolutely terrified that we were going to get bad news. Finally it was time to go. I thought id walk in and take one look at Jenny and know. But she was very even keel. As we walked to the blood draw area I broke down and told her that she had to tell me the results from Wed. She said that it was positive, but low. I asked how low and she said 12. My heart sank. I know enough to know that's not a good sign. I immediately got upset and Jenny immediately put a stop to my pitty party. She told me that she's had patients with lower betas than that stay pregnant and we just need to see how it looks today. She reinforced that this is exactly why they don't give out 1st betas. So I took a deep breath and she promised to call as soon as she had the results. 

Luckily our baby girl puppy dog had a Vet appointment to get all of her annual shots so that was a great distraction. I left the clinic and headed to her appointment. I just prayed so hard that God would provide a miracle. I didn't call D or my mom to tell them the results of he first beta. Instead of worrying them both I just decided to wait and see what happens. And boy am I glad I did. 

 

Jenny called on our way home from the Vet with the announcement that God had heard our prayers. My beta was at 59 and had more than doubled since Wednesday. Doctor said it was rising beautifully. Jenny asked if I wanted to schedule a third beta for next week explaining that Doctor said he didn't feel it was necessary but it was up to me. I if course said yes and we scheduled it for Tuesday morning. 

So for now I am pregnant. The last 24 hours I have hit every possible emotion. Devastation, elation, fear, panic, heartache, worry, happiness, and finally so much love for this living being that's growing (actually growing!!) inside me. After hearing the news I stopped to buy the digital test in the picture above because I just had to see it. 

I know that there is so far to go on this journey. And trust me the fear of what could happen is all to alive and present within me. But I feel like our little embryo fought so hard to hang on and make it to this point and I am going to fight for it. So we take it one step at a time. We get to Tues and hope the numbers have continued to increase. Once we get that confirmation then we'll look ahead to the six week ultrasound. Until then I am feeling unbelievably grateful and filled with hope. Thanks you all so much for the prayers and support. This blog had been a life raft to cling to throughout this storm. I ask that you please continue to pray for us and our little miracle as we navigate this very scary time of early pregnancy.