The Imposter

I started this post yesterday but since I have the results from beta #4 I'll lead with that.  It came back at 13,760 and my progesterone was 26.  My nurse who called me said the numbers looked "perfect" but I was panicked because if it continued to double it should have been higher.  But after some consulting Dr. Google I found this which provided some comfort.


"As your pregnancy develops, the hcg increase slows down significantly. Between 1,200 and 6,000 mIU/ml serum, the hCG usually takes about 72-96 hours to double, and above 6,000 mIU/ml, the hCG often takes over four or more days to double. It makes little sense to follow the hCG values above 6,000 mIU/ml as at this point the increase is normally slower and not related to how well the pregnancy is doing."

So I'm going to choose to believe my nurse that everything is progressing fine.  We scheduled an ultrasound for a week from today.  I should be 6 weeks 6 days at that point.  I'm not even going to try to go in to my feeling about walking back into the sono room.  That is for a post for another day.  Below is what I started last night......


These past few months have been filled with so many different emotions that there's no way I could tackle them all in one blog post (nor do most of you have the attention span to listen to that much rambling!).  But one of the major issues/feelings I've been struggling with lately is feeling out of place.  You see for the last couple of years my primary focus has been on our infertility.  As soon as I got my diagnosis (elevated FSH) I began researching like a crazy person.  It didn't take me long to find this amazing community and to jump head first into absorbing all of your stories and advice.  Soon there after I began my own blog and started forming some solid friendships based on these shared circumstances.  I found comfort in the fact that I wasn't facing this alone and that there were others out there that understood how I felt.  Others that had walked in my shoes and not only survived, but found a way to make their dreams come true.  In July when I found myself pregnant naturally after I got over the initial shock I thought "maybe I am one of the lucky ones".  Not that I consider 2+ years of infertility treatments and failed cycles "lucky".  But maybe this miraculous occurrence was it for us and we wouldn't have to face the stress and anxiety of another cycle (much less spend the 10's of thousands of dollars!).  When I left the devastating ultrasound where there was no heartbeat I distinctly remember thinking how stupid I was to think I could actually escape my infertility.  And although I was devastated by that loss I remember how comfortable it was to slip my cloak of infertility back on.  This is what I know, what I've become comfortable with.  I understand protocols and hormone levels and I know what our odds of success are.  So while I wasn't exactly excited to be back on the bus at least my seat was one I was familiar with.

Fast forward to two weeks ago when I got my second positive pregnancy test.  I touched on my initial post how my first reaction was one of anger.  I just could not believe this was happening AGAIN.  All the pain from the last miscarriage was still so raw.  I just sat there crying thinking I can NOT go though this again.  I won't survive it.  But of course I did.  We got the first beta and then the second and then the third.  Slowly symptoms started to appear.  My breasts got more and more sore, food became less and less appealing.  I started going to bed earlier and noticing I was increasing more tired.  Of course with each passing day and each milestone you begin to hope more and more.  

I thought several times about posting an update on my blog and one thing always stopped me.  Being infertile and getting pregnant on your own once - that's a fluke.  That happens.  We celebrate that and are here to cheer the person on and support them with our thoughts and prayers.  But getting pregnant twice in a row......  where does that leave me?  I worried that my news would be hurtful or annoying to my sisters who are still in the trenches.  I've always had this vision of once we finally had a successful transfer and made it WELL past the first trimester I would magically have the courage and strength to speak out about our situation.  I would become the advocate that I've always wanted to be for infertility.  Part of the reason that this blog is anonymous is because my husband isn't comfortable with having this very personal issue public.  But there are other reasons as well.  I'm not sure my heart can handle the response from people who aren't educated on infertility and it's treatments.  I'm not sure I can handle the well meaning advice from people who haven't walked this path.  I've also constantly struggled through every failed cycle feeling like I'm disappointing those closest to me with the failure.  Between that and carrying around their sadness I feel like I would drown.

But infertility awareness is something I've become so passionate about.  Having this community and knowing there's so many other women struggling with this has been life support for me.  And I WANT to give back.  I always thought once I had my miracle baby I would be able to do that.  If this pregnancy is viable and God willing we end up with our miracle baby does that disqualify me from the club?  I still FEEL infertile.  My test results and history prove that I am.  If I get and manage to stay pregnant naturally I"m not sure where that leaves me......
 

Looking Back

This month has been a time of reflection for me.  For the first time on this journey I've allowed myself to look at where we started, how far we've come, and of course how far we have to go.  2 1/2 years, 31 months, 961 days.  It's a small period of time in the grand scheme of life.  But for us this time has passed with pain, heartbreak, and small pockets of hope that were snuffed out so quickly.  Each passing month, let's be honest each passing day, is one day too long that we've been in this fight to grow our family.  It feels like so much longer than 2 1/2 years.  However when I look back at this time in our life this is what I see:

3 fresh IVF retrievals
5 transfers of 8 embryos
1 natural pregnancy
1 chemical pregnancy
2 miscarriages
Countless blood draws, tests, procedures, ultrasounds,injections, and drugs
Hours of worry
An ocean of tears
Endless waiting

I wouldn't wish this heartbreak and pain on anyone.  But, as it usually goes with life, there is also a silver lining.  Although when I measure these past 2 1/2 years I do it in treatments, cycles, and disappointments when I look at the above list I see something else.

Unconditional love
Strength beyond comprehension
Endurance that can't be measured
Hope that refuses to be extinguished
Persistence
Fight
Support
Encouragement

Although this rocky road was NOT in our plan when we said I Do, today I look at my husband in a whole new light.  This man has stood by me when it would have been so much easier to walk away.  He has seen me at my worst, dragged me out of dark hole after dark hole.  He's held me when I cried, made me laugh through my tears.  Our love, our marriage, is so strong. And for that I am grateful.

They say you don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only choice.  And that is exactly right.  It takes strength to endure the disappointments and get up every day to continue to face them.  It takes endurance to start yet another cycle of pills, injections, uncontrollable hormones, and so much unknown. To hope when all the odds are against you, when others are telling you to give up.  To have the kind of persistence to try again.  To continue to fight this battle when your body and soul are broken and so very tired.  Some may call me stupid but I am proud of these characteristics that have come to define us.

Finally when I look back at what we've been through on this journey I see support and encouragement.  No, not everyone understands what we are going through or why we continue on.  And they don't need to, it's not for them.  But others, our families, our closest friends, and this amazing community continue to offer support and encouragement.  They are the light for us in this dark tunnel.  It's what allows us to continue on.  For that I am so very thankful.  

I find myself looking to all of you again for your support and prayers.  This month I find myself pregnant, again, naturally.  As we prepped the second time for our first cycle at CCRM this time I took a pregnancy test before starting injections after what happened last time.  And it was positive.  To say I was shocked doesn't even begin to describe my feelings.  In this space where I can be transparent I'll tell you our first reaction was anger.  We had managed to get through the hell that was the last miscarriage.  I was physically recovered and we were mentally ready to start our journey at CCRM.  We knew they are were our best chance.  And now not only was this another delay but most likely more of the gut wrenching heartache and disappointment.

Now that we've had a couple of weeks to absorb the news our anger and confusion has morphed slowly into hope.  While realistically I know that we have a high risk of miscarriage there's still something inside of me saying this could be IT.  I pray throughout the day and at night when sleep eludes me that I'll get to meet this life that God has blessed me with.  For regardless of what happens with this pregnancy I am blessed to carry this life for the short term or the long.  I tested two days before my expected period and when I got the positive immediately called my OB.  I went in for a blood test and my beta was at 66.  Two days later (the day my period was expected to arrive) our beta had more than doubled and was at 166.  A week later we were over 3600.  With each passing day and each milestone I find more hope in my heart.  The fear is still there and will overtake me at a moments notice if I let it.  But I am strong,  I have endurance,  I will persist.  I will fight.  And I will hope with everything in me that this is it for us.

Your thoughts and prayers are greatly appreciated during this time.  We'll have a fourth beta this week and if all is progressing as it should our fist ultrasound will be next week.