Days go By

Most of you who know me know that I am a planner by nature.  Nothing makes me happier than lists, plans, time lines, deadlines, etc.  I find comfort in mapping things out and joy in checking boxes.  Planning for my babies is something I've dreamed of my entire life.  But after experiencing infertility and loss(es) there's so many fears that come with moving forward and planning for the arrival of your babies.  

I have made progress.  At 18 weeks we have furniture(!) and I've started my registry.  With the help and support (and okay push) from my family and friends I've set shower dates.  Invites are currently being ordered.  And while it's so exciting and so much fun to make these plans there's still the voice in the back of my head that I can't ignore. 

 "There's a 30 day return policy for the furniture....what if?"  or "They can send out a mass text to cancel the shower if......"  and lately "Worse case we can just pull that door shut so we don't have to look in that room until I'm strong enough to deal with it".

If.  The fear, That worry.  It doesn't fade.  The voice doesn't get quieter with each passing week.  But I will say my excitement does increase.  With each day that goes by this dream becomes a little more of a reality.  18 weeks you guys.  Six short (please God) weeks until we reach viability. Can this really happen?  Is it possible that we may actually hold these miracles in our arms?  Slowly I'm beginning to believe that it just might really happen.

It's funny how you look to the future and think you'll feel better with each milestone.  I thought after receiving the harmony results I'd feel so much better.  And I did....a little.  Last week at our 17 week appointment at MFM they went ahead and did the full anatomy scan.  Everything looked great - no markers, no cause for concern.  Their size and fluid levels were equal which is critical when looking for early signs of Twin to Twin Transfusion.  Nothing but good news from that appointment.  I should have been ecstatic.  And I was.  But still....

I've been waiting until I could feel movement thinking that would help me keep my sanity between sono appointments.  And it has.  But now I worry that they aren't moving enough.  And of course it's hard to confirm that the movement is both babies and not just one (they are literally on top of each other in there!).  So I would say the movement definitely brings reassurance.  But.  

I hope this isn't coming off as me complaining or being ungrateful.  Believe me I'm well aware of just how fortunate we are to be in this situation of worry and fear.  I'll take this over the stress and worry associated with infertility any day.  I thank God multiple times a day for blessing us with these miracles and for helping us get this far.  And there IS joy.  At times it completely overwhelms me.  It brings me to tears at least once a day.  There's moments when I feel my heart will absolutely burst from the happiness.  Yes, there is joy my friends.  Days go by and they are consumed with so many different emotions.  But in the end the greatest is joy.