A Different Kind of Christmas

There's just something about the holidays.  It seems as if they either invoke so much happiness and joy or just complete despair.  No in between.  My last two Christmases haven't been what I'd call stellar.  2013 we were in the midst of our first 2ww from our first IVF.  Although I was hopeful I was still scared, anxious, worried, and wondering.  Last year I was in Depot Lupron hell.  We were awaiting our 5th IVF transfer and did 2 months of Depot Lupron after a hysteroscopy to treat my endometriosis.  After a failed transfer in Aug. I was hoping to transfer that Oct. but obviously that didn't happen.  I was stuck in the Waiting Room.  Wishing and hoping desperately for a baby and becoming more and more discouraged with each passing day.  I remember just making a pile of unopened Christmas cards.  I couldn't bear the idea of opening them and seeing all of the sweet smiling faces of kiddos and families.  All I wanted was to fast forward to 2015, a new year, a fresh start.  One I was hoping and praying would finally bring us the start of our family.  

One would have thought this year Christmas would be an absolutely magical time.  And believe me part of it was.  But there was another part of me that just can't forget the feeling of another year passing and being no closer to having the child you want so desperately.  In fact it wasn't that long ago that I assumed I would still be in that boat this Christmas.  We thought we'd be in the midst of the Family Building Plan at CCRM right now.  I had hoped to have at least one retrieval under my belt, and another one scheduled for the beginning of 2016.   However it would still be MONTHS before we'd be in a position to transfer IF we had any normal embryos.  So much waiting.  So many unknowns.

And while I"m absolutely thrilled that we spent this Christmas 14 weeks pregnant with our miracle twins (twins you guys, it still feels like a dream) I'm still having trouble believing this is really happening.  My little bump seems to be growing each day.  Every 2 weeks we have a sono and I get to see these little loves moving and growing and just being simply amazing.  Yet, I still get nervous or uncomfortable when the conversation is focused on the babies and the future.  I still feel gun shy about buying anything related to the twins.  I've made zero effort to even clean out their bedroom, much less do any measuring, painting, etc. etc.  All the books I've read suggest you have everything done and ready to go at 24 weeks when pregnant with identical twins like ours.  And here I am 15 weeks and I can't even commit to a shower date. 

So on Christmas morning as I sat enjoying the lights of our Christmas tree with Chloe snuggled up beside me I was so filled with happiness, yet there was a part of me that was so sad.  My wounds from our infertility battle are far from healed.  I still remember entirely too clearly what it feels like to watch those lights and wonder if every Christmas will continue to be this quiet and lonely.  If there will ever be Christmas presents under that tree for your own children.  If you'll be able to get through the family gathering without breaking down.  I remember what it feels like to want it all just to be over.  And my heart breaks for everyone who is still living that nightmare.

Yes this year was a different kind of Christmas for us.  One I'm so very thankful to have experienced.  But the hurt and pain don't just disappear.  I'll forever be marked, changed by what we went through.  And I understand what it feels like to be in that moment.  For those of you still there I'm thinking about you and praying for all of you every day.  And hoping that this time next year you'll be experiencing your own different kind of Christmas.