What it's all about

Somehow in what feels like overnight my babies have turned three months old. This past month has been filled with what I'm slowly learning motherhood is all about. Joy. Frustration. Love. Tears (both happy and sad) Fulfillment. Exhaustion. Worry. Stress. Fear. Hope. Happiness. Did I say Love?  

How has so much changed in such a short time. This month we struggled with the onset of reflux. It.  Is.  Terrible.  After a lot of trial and error and a set back we have it mostly under control.  Feeding time is definitely not my favorite as they both still fight you when being burped and sometimes I can tell they are in pain.  But we are working through it.  The good news is that it hasn't deterred them from eating at all (as you can tell from the pictures below - they don't miss any meals!).  And we've dramatically improved from when they would cry for an hour after every feeding.  

On a brighter note this month has brought ALL THE SMILES. Brody is my more easy going twin. All you really have to do is talk to him and he smiles so big his eyes squint shut. His toothless, gummy grin absolutely melts my heart. Sometimes when I'm feeding him I have to stop making eye contact with him because he just smiles the whole time and the bottle falls out of his mouth. Braxton has definitely been my more reserved twin. However the last week or so he's really been coming out of his shell and his smiles are coming more freely. He seems more thoughtful to me and like he's carefully listening to and weighing everything you say to him. I feel like he's a natural observer and doesn't miss a thing. He's still just a little bit more needy than Brody as far as Mama's time goes.  I think he's be our sweet and thoughtful one while Brody will be the comedian and more outgoing.      

It's really hard to believe that these boys were born 5 weeks premature. They are so chunky you

 guys. They have rolls for days and I seriously can not get enough of them. I can't believe how much they've grown and I continue to be shocked by the scale every time I weigh them. They are busting out of their 3 month clothes and fitting pretty comfortably into 6 months. They have moved up in to size 2 diapers. At some point I'm assuming they will start growing up rather than out, as there's not much further they can go in that direction! 

This month D also went back to work as the school year started. In addition he coaches football so that means he leaves the house around 7am and gets home around 6:30 ish. It's definitely been an adjustment for both me and the boys as they learn that there's only one person here now. I'm proud to say that while we still have difficult moments, for the most part we have a pretty good schedule down and are figuring it out. I go back to work 2 weeks from today - but I'm just not ready to talk about that. 

I'm trying desperately to think of something new and original to say about my motherhood journey but it all comes back to the same emotions and feelings of overwhelming love and gratitude. I will say that one of the most rewarding changes this month has been I feel like they have really started to prefer me. We've been fortunate to have so much help which has been amazing. But I did worry at one point that with so many people around all the time they wouldn't really know/understand who Mommy was. Those fears have definitely gone away this month. They not only clearly know who I am but their cries can be calmed (sometimes) just by seeing my face. They are starting to be a little picky about how is holding them and are now recognizing when Mommy is holding brother. 

While I'm loving where we are now there's so much I"m looking forward to. Them sitting up on their own (primarily to help with the reflux), when they start reaching for me, incorporating solids (they are SO hungry), and of course more of their personalities coming out.

In an effort to keep this as honest and real as possible I won't gloss over the not so great moments.  There's nights I only get a couple hours of broken sleep between the two of them.  There's days where they cry for the majority of the almost 12 hours that I'm home alone with them and I don't feel like I'll make it another moment.  There's frustration and hurt feelings when I can't calm one of them down.  And there's sometimes resentment after particularly hard days that Derek gets to shower and get out of the house and socialize.  But the good days out number the bad.  And I wouldn't change one second of it for the world.  This is what I wanted.  The good, bad and ugly.  This is what I fought for, prayed for, waited so long for.  This, in all it's entirely, is what it's all about.  This is my life you guys.  How lucky am I to live it?

All ready to watch Daddy's football team!

 

Braxton 2 months

Brody 2 months

GQ

All American Boys

Looking so handsome

Braxton 3 months

Brody 3 months

Love

They are here. This post is much delayed but I've been spending the last 26 days falling more in love than I ever thought possible. 

I waited my whole life for these moments. It's everything I ever wanted. And it's so much more than I imagined. I longed. I dreamt. I hoped. But I had no idea. There's nothing that can prepare you for this. The love. The gratitude. The shear wonder. I can't ever possibly put it into words. So I'll simply say that these have been the very best days of my life. And that every single struggle, every painful miserable day it took to get here was worth it 100 times over. I didn't know I could love like this. I didn't know I could be this fulfilled. I knew I always wanted to be a Mother. But I didn't know I was made for it. Until they were here. 

It's with so much joy and pride that I introduce you- my community, my strength, the light during my darkest days- to our miracles. Thank you sweet friends. Thank you for your support, your encouragement, your understanding.  And for giving me the hope and strength to continue on. 

Braxton Mitchell was born at 4:09pm on May 20th weighing 5lbs 0oz. His little brother was born 1 minute later weighing 4lbs 10oz. I'll share the full story in another post. 

They are our greatest gift, our biggest adventure, our everything. And this is the next chapter. 

The definition of Mother

When I flipped my calendar to May as always the date of Mother's Day caught my eye.  I'll admit my first thought was to wonder if my babies would be here by then.  While the idea of NOT being pregnant any more is very appealing I said a brief prayer that they'd still be comfortable and thriving inside vs. taking on the challenges of the outside world too early.  My next thought was how I felt thinking about Mother's Day being 33 1/2 weeks pregnant.  I was surprised by the answer - not very different.

Don't get me wrong.  Mother's Day is a day I've struggled with for the last three years as we desperately tried to start our family without any success.  For the last three years I've dreaded this day and spent most of it either in tears or fighting them back.  I felt guilty for not being able to focus on my amazing mother and mother in law.  I felt guilty for not truly celebrating my friends who are such inspirational mothers.  All I could feel was the hopelessness of my own personal journey and the ache in my empty heart.  I thought first about the embryos we had transferred that didn't take, then the ones that did but weren't able to continue to grow.  Then the one that did fully implant but had no heartbeat at that first sono.  And finally the one who did - who's precious heart beat we saw not once, but twice, before the ultrasound of silence at almost 10 weeks.

Being pregnant this year didn't take away that grief.  Absolutely it brought hope that had been lacking, happiness and excitement that never existed before.  And of course so much gratitude that we have made it this far.  Every kick and movement I felt on Sunday held an extra special meaning and brought a different kind of tears to my eyes.  But yes, I still grieved the loss of the babies that should have been here and were not.  While I sat with my family and enjoyed their company I still felt a little uncomfortable being included in the group that we were celebrating.  In my heart I had been part of this group for the last three years but not a member that gets recognized.  My children aren't here on earth to post pictures of, to make me breakfast in bed or draw me beautiful pictures.  I never saw their faces or held them in my arms.  But I have held them in my heart since the day those tiny embryos were transferred.  I've felt the weight of responsibility that goes along with being a parent and I"ve felt the grief of failure that I couldn't protect them.

I was encouraged by the number of FaceBook posts I saw this year honoring not only the traditional mothers but those fighting to become a mother and those who have lost children at any stage of life. I know having been in both those positions just being acknowledged provides a small amount of comfort on a very difficult day.  I hope that those still fighting felt loved and not invisible.  I pray that they find hope in the stories of those who walked in their shoes and now have a happy ending.  And mostly I hope that at this time next year they find themselves closer to their own happy ending.  Because we all deserve that.

Nursery Reveal

I can't believe it's been almost a month since my last post where I tried to get everyone caught up.  Time is passing so quickly which is actually surprising considering how uncomfortable I am.  On Thursday I'll be 30 weeks!  I'm absolutely thrilled that we've made it this far and while I'm puffy, swollen, and generally VERY uncomfortable it's the best feeling ever.  I'm just trying to focus on 2 weeks goals.  So now I'm aiming for 32 weeks which will be April 28th.  At my last appointment with the MFM she said to let her know when I'm done working and she'll write the note to put me on bed rest.  While it's SO tempting (my 45 min drive to work is absolutely miserable) I really want to save all of my FMLA time for when the babies are actually here.  So we agreed to re-evaluate at 32 weeks and potentially I could go on "modified" bed rest where I would just work from home full time.  I think I would be very lonely as I'm such a social person but considering just showering these days leaves me exhausted it sounds nice to be able to take it easy and work from home.  We'll see how the next couple of weeks go I guess.

So on to some REALLY exciting stuff.  The nursery is finally finished!  Seriously you guys I just go in there and sit in awe.  I can not believe I actually have a nursery.  In MY house.  For OUR babies.  I tried (emphasis on tried) to cut back on the pictures so you aren't all bored to death.  But for those that are interested grab a beverage, kick back, and welcome to our home......

Here's the view when you are walking in the door.  I guess I should mention that I have plans to put their names above their cribs and then I have a giant & sign that will hang between.  However we are keeping their names as a surprise so that wall is blank for now!  The color pallet is all shades of blue/grays.  My sweet, patient husband painted the room THREE different times before I was content with this slate blue/gray shade on the walls.  It's a little bit rustic, a little shabby chic.  At least that's how I"d describe it :)  The rug on the floor is from Target.  I've gotten a ton of compliments on it!  The blankets hanging over their crib were quilted by one of my closest friends specifically for the boys.  I have a feeling these blankets will be with them for a very long time.  

We have a great window that looks out to our backyard in this room and while it's hard to see really cute crown molding too.  The room itself is NOT big (I think it's 10x11) so I was very worried about fitting both cribs, the dresser/changing table, and the rocker in the room.  It's not exactly spacious but I'm hoping the overall feel is cozy.  Curtains are from Target!  

Here's the view of the other corner of the room where the closet is.  The pallet book shelf I ordered off Etsy for a steal and the deer print above it was a gift from a sweet friend of mine.

I searched long and hard for a rocker for this room.  I was shocked at how expensive these were.  Everyone told me not to go cheap as we'll be spending a lot of time here.  I finally bit the bullet and purchased this one off of Wayfair.  It did need assembled when it arrived but took D less than an hour to put it together.  I love the gliding motion and the fact that the ottoman glides with you.  It's soft and comfortable and I'm only slightly embarrassed to admit that I've been spending my work from home days in this chair the last couple weeks and so far I have zero complaints.  The pillow I found at Walmart!

And the view if I'm standing in front of the closet.  Can I just tell you how much I love this furniture?  It was a gift from my parents and I just absolutely love the style, color, and the slightly distressed finish.  

Here's a head on view of the collage over the changing table.  I think I got all of these signs either from Etsy or Hobby Lobby.  They all have special meaning of course.  I loved the arrow theme along with the Be Brave message.  In addition the sign in the middle that says "They are our greatest adventure" I absolutely LOVE and then the small navy sign that says Brothers are the Perfect Best Friends.  Oh my heart.  

I found this cute little cube at Target along with the matching gray bins.  I am storing toys in one of the bins and extra crib sheets and changing table covers in the second one.  Thanks to one of our showers where guests were encouraged to bring books instead of cards we have a pretty good start to our library.  The sign above the cube is the one I bought to use for our gender announcement.  The yellow color really doesn't go with anything in the room but I adore this sign as it's pretty much how my husband was raised.

This sign I received as a gift from a friend who also battled infertility and has been a huge support to me.  I get tears in my eyes every time I read it.  My faith has definitely wavered during this journey but there's no other explanation for these miracles than the grace of God.  We are so thankful.  

The dresser is stocked and ready to go!  In the top left hand drawer I've got newborn size diapers, wipes, and teeny tiny socks.  There's also a couple preemie size onesies in this drawer.  They are so small it makes me sick to my stomach.  I'm praying so hard that we are way too big for these when the boys finally make their appearance.  None the less we do have a few preemie size clothes if we face that challenge so at least they won't be naked.  

This is the top right hand drawer.  The big divider contains medial supplies - gas drops, infant Tylenol, thermometer, nursing pads, nipple cream, etc.  The next divider contains pacifiers (three different brands as I've heard newborns can be picky about what ones they like) and a few sets of mittens.  The last two dividers on the right contain hats and accessories like those cute little bow ties!  

Last but not least here's the closet.  D installed this great organizer (although it's a little big but there's still hanging space on either side).  We are storing diapers in the cubes that will one day store shoes.  The basket has all of the diapers from the diaper cake from my shower and then swaddle blankets rolled and stored on each side.  The top shelf is purely decorative with the sweet picture frames, cute little hats and shoes.  The twins banner I got for our announcement pictures and thought it was cute hanging there.  Two rods on each side for hanging clothes and still room for storage on the floor too (which is basically full of diapers thanks to D's awesome friends who threw us a diaper party!).  

So there you have it.  As I said earlier this room is mostly for me at this point as we'll be keeping the boys in our room in bassinets when they first arrive home.  However it is convenient as their room is right next door to the master and just down a short hallway from our family room and kitchen.  So I do think we'll utilize the space for diaper changes and feedings.  I'll wrap this post up with my 28 week picture!  Which is almost two weeks ago already.  However I really, really am going to try to be better about blogging as we get closer to their much anticipated arrival!  Hope you enjoyed the tour!

28 weeks!  

Long Overdue Update

I have been a huge blog slacker and was trying to think of a quick way to update you guys with all that's been going on.  So I thought I'd do a picture post.

 Baby A at 22.5 weeks - this guy is usually all stretched out and super active all the time!

Baby B at 22.5 weeks - he's curled up in a little ball down in the corner since his brother takes up all the room.

 

Me at 21 weeks pregnant.  Soak in this picture please.  It's the last one before the swelling and puffiness set in.........

Maternity photos!  These were taken at 23 weeks.  We have a friend who is starting up a photography business and wanted to use us as models.  She did a great job!

 My college girlfriends threw my first shower.  Everything was perfect and beautiful but what meant the most to me was all the people who came out to celebrate our little boys.  So blessed!

My parents got us the car seats for our first shower.  Chloe isn't too sure what these things are but was happy to pose next to them for a
picture.

Baby Shower Number 2 in Derek's hometown!

 My favorite gift from the 2nd baby shower.  D is a huge top gun fan so the boys got Maverick and Goose onesies, my best friend's little boy got the Viper shirt and my nephew who's getting ready to turn 7 got the Iceman shirt.  On the front they all have a pair of aviators that look like they have hanging from their neck.  Cutest thing ever!

And here's today at 26 weeks!  Definitely feeling swollen and puffy and just generally uncomfortable.  But every day is one step closer and I couldn't be more thrilled to be where we are today.  Next big milestone is 28 weeks!  

Ch Ch Changes!

Welcome February!  I personally am glad to have January behind us and be one month closer to warmer weather (PS - MidWest winters suck) and one month further along in this pregnancy.  This week I'll be 20 weeks - Eeeekkk!  Everyone keeps saying "Yeah you are 1/2 way".  I have to bite my tongue to keep from screaming "I AM MORE THAN 1/2 WAY - THIS IS A TWIN PREGNANCY!".  Instead I just nod and smile and say thank you so it doesn't appear that I'm a crazy woman.  My favorite part of 20 weeks is that viability is only 4 (hopefully) short weeks away.  I'm still feeling pretty good.  By the end of the day I feel full and uncomfortable and have some trouble falling asleep.  But other than that things have been great.  I'm still only feeling the flutters and the gas like feeling as far as movement goes.  Which makes me nervous of course.  I thought yesterday I felt a more significant kick.  I am ready for that action to begin any time now!  This is a no appointment week so those are always hard for me.  

 

                                                                19 weeks 5 days!

The last 2 weeks we also began our bathroom renovation.  Our house does have 3 bathrooms - the master, a full bath in our finished basement, and then our guest bath.  However the guest bathroom only had a stand up shower in it.  So I really wanted to put in a tub for the babies.  The contractors started last week and finished up yesterday.  The tile for the shower is back ordered so that's still unfinished but everything else is done.  Overall I'm pretty happy with how it came together.  I don't consider decorating one of my skills, but I'm happy with the flooring, paint, and tile I chose.  D is color blind so I'm basically on my own for projects like this as I don't really trust his opinion. :)  Below are some pictures of the finished project.  

                                    I used the same vanity but got a new mirror and light fixture

This gives you a view of the flooring which is porcelain tile that looks like hardwood!  LOVE!  And the start of the tiling before we ran out.  I'll be continuing the smoke green glass tiles and then we'll run a strip of the mosaic that's in the soap box halfway up to break it up a little bit.

This bathroom did not have a closet originally and I was thrilled that there was room to squeeze one in.  It's actually really deep and I put the first shelf high enough that I can fit a hamper below it.  We'll be able to move all of the linens from the hall linen closet in here and then hopefully use that for more storage for the babies.  


We used the same toilet - nothing too exciting here except it gives you a good idea of the paint color.

This is the most exciting part for me.  The old door opened into the toilet and was super awkward.  We replaced it with a sliding "barn" style door and I love it!  Makes the bathroom feel so much more open.  

So lots of changes the last couple of weeks!  The contractors had been using the babies' room for all of their tools and supplies so now that they are finished I get that room back.  I've got a few samples of paint colors that I'm trying to decide between.  The furniture is an ash gray color.  (kind of a distressed finish).  Below are all the samples of paint I've got that I'm trying to decide between.  Thoughts and input welcome!  

Days go By

Most of you who know me know that I am a planner by nature.  Nothing makes me happier than lists, plans, time lines, deadlines, etc.  I find comfort in mapping things out and joy in checking boxes.  Planning for my babies is something I've dreamed of my entire life.  But after experiencing infertility and loss(es) there's so many fears that come with moving forward and planning for the arrival of your babies.  

I have made progress.  At 18 weeks we have furniture(!) and I've started my registry.  With the help and support (and okay push) from my family and friends I've set shower dates.  Invites are currently being ordered.  And while it's so exciting and so much fun to make these plans there's still the voice in the back of my head that I can't ignore. 

 "There's a 30 day return policy for the furniture....what if?"  or "They can send out a mass text to cancel the shower if......"  and lately "Worse case we can just pull that door shut so we don't have to look in that room until I'm strong enough to deal with it".

If.  The fear, That worry.  It doesn't fade.  The voice doesn't get quieter with each passing week.  But I will say my excitement does increase.  With each day that goes by this dream becomes a little more of a reality.  18 weeks you guys.  Six short (please God) weeks until we reach viability. Can this really happen?  Is it possible that we may actually hold these miracles in our arms?  Slowly I'm beginning to believe that it just might really happen.

It's funny how you look to the future and think you'll feel better with each milestone.  I thought after receiving the harmony results I'd feel so much better.  And I did....a little.  Last week at our 17 week appointment at MFM they went ahead and did the full anatomy scan.  Everything looked great - no markers, no cause for concern.  Their size and fluid levels were equal which is critical when looking for early signs of Twin to Twin Transfusion.  Nothing but good news from that appointment.  I should have been ecstatic.  And I was.  But still....

I've been waiting until I could feel movement thinking that would help me keep my sanity between sono appointments.  And it has.  But now I worry that they aren't moving enough.  And of course it's hard to confirm that the movement is both babies and not just one (they are literally on top of each other in there!).  So I would say the movement definitely brings reassurance.  But.  

I hope this isn't coming off as me complaining or being ungrateful.  Believe me I'm well aware of just how fortunate we are to be in this situation of worry and fear.  I'll take this over the stress and worry associated with infertility any day.  I thank God multiple times a day for blessing us with these miracles and for helping us get this far.  And there IS joy.  At times it completely overwhelms me.  It brings me to tears at least once a day.  There's moments when I feel my heart will absolutely burst from the happiness.  Yes, there is joy my friends.  Days go by and they are consumed with so many different emotions.  But in the end the greatest is joy.  

It's All Worth It

Yesterday on my drive home from work my phone rang and it was my OB's office.  I actually pulled over to the side of the road as I figured they were calling with the results from my Harmony test.  My heart was beating a million miles a minute and my voice was shaking when I answered the phone.  My nurse Katie's voice was on the other end as she calmly informed me that they had just received the results from the Harmony test.  I couldn't even reply I was so nervous.  In what felt like 200 unnecessary words she calmly informed me that the results all came back normal and "low-risk".  I can't described the relief I felt at hearing her words.  Obviously high risk results wouldn't have changed anything for us.  But it's just one less obstacle to worry about.  I also realize there's still a million other things that could go wrong.  But this one was a win for us and one I'm so grateful for!

In other exciting news she confirmed what the MFM suspected.  Our twins are little BOYS!  For whatever reason I always pictured myself as a boy mom.  People keep asking me what we want (which obviously all we want is to be holding healthy babies in our arms at the end of this).  But even if God came to me and told me I could choose I wouldn't have been able to.  But from the moment the MFM told me she felt pretty confident they were boys (at 13 weeks!) I thought to myself "of course they are".  It just felt right.  So yeah boys!  My heart overflows.........

Today is 16 weeks 5 days.  We go back to the MFM on Thursday which will be 17 weeks.  Regardless of all the great news I'm still nervous and scared for the appointment.  It will have been 2 1/2 weeks since we last saw our babies - the longest we've had to go in this entire pregnancy.  I've accepted that the fear and worry will never leave and work hard on giving it to God, trusting in Him and doing my best to enjoy this pregnancy.  I *think* I have started feeling them move.  Everyone says it feels like "flutters" or "butterflies".  But that isn't the case at all to me.  Honestly it feels like something is pressing or leaning from the inside.  Sometimes I feel a small area of my stomach tighten.  Everyone is telling me that is Braxton Hicks contractions but I honestly don't think so.  Maybe I'm completely wrong.  I'm anxious for when I know without a doubt it's them.  I also have these feelings much more on the right side.  Which I believe that is baby A who is slightly in front of baby B so that would make sense.  I'm hoping to get some confirmation of all of this at the appointment on Thursday.  

So almost 17 weeks I thought I'd try to recap some of my thoughts and feelings

1.  I still often feel like this is a dream, like it's not real.  Too good to be true

2.  I struggle with fear and worry every. single. day.  

3.  The way your body changes during pregnancy is truly amazing!

4.  I celebrate each pound I gain because I know it's helping them grow grow grow.

5.  I smile every time I stick my hands in my coat pockets because I can feel my belly :)

6.  I'm amazed at the out pouring of love and support for these little miracles!

7.  My parents and I have always been close, they've always been my biggest supporters.  But that bond has only deepened through this pregnancy.  Their love and excitement is contagious and can lessen even my deepest worries

8.  Baby stuff is EXPENSIVE!

9.  Pregnancy is hard.  I always thought getting pregnant would be the hard part.  But there's nothing about this that's easy.  From the lack of energy, the struggle to eat healthy, the aches and pain, the trouble sleeping, to the fact that every single thing happening is new and unfamiliar.  Pregnancy is Hard.

10.  It's so worth it.  I always knew/said that every shot, pill, doctor's appointment, etc would be worth it and it's true.  I did not know that pregnancy would be this hard.  But I can tell you it's all so worth it too.  Every green veggie I put in my mouth while simultaneously hating it is worth it.  Every sleepless night (whether it's from being uncomfortable or due to worry) is worth is.  Every ache and pain is a sign that my babies are growing.  And the worry and fear are signs that even at this early stage I'm already a good Mom.  It is so worth it.  

THE Year

Happy New Year friends!  I hope that everyone survived and possibly even enjoyed the holidays.  I know despite the fact of having so much to celebrate this year I'm a little relieved they are over!  I already wrote a reflection of my Different Kind of Christmas this year.  And while it was wonderful it was also.....weird.  To be in such a different place after I've gotten so used to where I was felt redeeming and a little unsettling all at once.  I think through this whole pregnancy I've just been waiting for the ball to drop.  I've thought more times than I can count that things were just going TOO well.  There's days I am deliriously happy and other days where the fear is almost paralyzing.  So my thoughts on the end of 2015 and the beginning of 2016 aren't as cut and dried as you would think.

Obviously ending 2015 15 weeks pregnant was a dream come true.  I still cannot believe we've made it this far.  I can't believe I've sat through ultrasounds where I watched my TWINS moving and squirming inside my body.  After all the failure and heartbreak it's still all a little unbelievable to me.  However even though 2015 was the year that brought us these miracles, overall it wasn't the best year ever.  We started with our final failed transfer at our local clinic.  We transferred our two (according to them) genetically normal embryos and the results were a giant Big Fat Negative.  We had already had our phone consult with Dr. Schoolcraft from CCRM and were planning on starting our journey with them if this transfer failed.  But I know there was a big part of me that didn't think it would come to that.  So while I was devastated by that failure I was still comforted that we had a new plan in place.  However the hardest part of that failure was watching what it did to D.  He had always been so positive and so hopeful through all of our cycles.  This failure was truly the one that broke him.  He clearly had just been humoring me with our plans to go to CCRM and never dreamed it would become a reality.  I watched him go through all of the stages of grief after that failure knowing that there was nothing I could do to make it better.  His anger and sadness was so out of character and frankly scared me to death.  There were nights I wondered if he'd ever "go back" to his old self.  And I carried so much guilt and responsibility for the state he was in.  There were times I felt as if that alone would crush me.

With some time Derek was able to deal with his grief and to wrap his mind around Colorado.  I remember sitting on the plane heading to Colorado for our One Day Work Up. He just seemed angry and bitter that he was even on the plane.  But a great first experience at CCRM did wonders to his perspective.  We both left with a renewed sense of hope that this was the answer for us.

You all know the story.  Our prep for the first CCRM cycle was interrupted by a spontaneous pregnancy.  I'll never forget the shock that I felt when the monitoring doctor told me that they had found a gestational sac during what I thought was my suppression ultrasound.  How could we not have thought that was a our miracle and our redemption?  The timing and circumstances just seemed so perfect.  The feeling of sitting in that first sono and actually having something to see for the first time after all the failures is indescribable.  And seeing and hearing the little heartbeat - I thought my own heart would burst with joy.  Then to have it all come crashing down.  I've sat through a sono before that should have showed a 7 week baby, but there was nothing to see.  It was the worst experience of my life up until this point.  Sitting at that 9 week sono and having the tech go from the wand on my belly to internal.  Searching, searching for a heartbeat that wasn't there any longer, only to call in my sweet OB to confirm.  She held my hand and cried with us as she looked at the silent screen.  This was not our time.  No matter how perfect the circumstances seemed.  The next couple of weeks are a complete blur.  I wrote about the actual miscarriage and don't have the strength even today to get in to how terrible it was again.  I don't know how I survived the pain.  I woke up each morning wishing, praying that it was all just over.  But somehow we were able to drag ourselves out of the hole and resume life.  Looking back it's probably a good thing that it took so long for my HCG to come down.  It gave us the time we really needed to deal with what had happened rather than just shoving it aside and rushing into the next cycle (my typical go-to plan).  It's one of those experiences in your life that define you.  There's the before and the after.  And I can honestly say that I will be forever changed by that heartache and grief.

So no 2015 was not the best year ever.  Although it ended in the absolute best way I could have ever dreamed of.  Looking ahead to 2016 it scares me to think that this *should* be THE year.  The year we bring our sweet babies home.  The year our family is finally, finally complete.  The year I become a mother and make the love of my life's dreams come true.  This *should* be our year.  But there's still so far to go, so many obstacles to overcome.  I know as well as anyone just how precious life is and how quickly it can be taken away and your circumstances can change.  And because I know that I cherish every second of this pregnancy.  I know I talk a lot about my worries and fears and believe me they have not diminished as we navigate our 2nd trimester and wrap up our 4th month of pregnancy.  But I am enjoying this pregnancy as much as I"m capable of after what I've experienced.  I wake up every day grateful for more one day of being these babies mommy.   I pray every day that they continue to grow and develop into healthy babies that we will one day hold in our arms.  I thank God for our miracles.  And I let myself believe that this will be THE year.

A Different Kind of Christmas

There's just something about the holidays.  It seems as if they either invoke so much happiness and joy or just complete despair.  No in between.  My last two Christmases haven't been what I'd call stellar.  2013 we were in the midst of our first 2ww from our first IVF.  Although I was hopeful I was still scared, anxious, worried, and wondering.  Last year I was in Depot Lupron hell.  We were awaiting our 5th IVF transfer and did 2 months of Depot Lupron after a hysteroscopy to treat my endometriosis.  After a failed transfer in Aug. I was hoping to transfer that Oct. but obviously that didn't happen.  I was stuck in the Waiting Room.  Wishing and hoping desperately for a baby and becoming more and more discouraged with each passing day.  I remember just making a pile of unopened Christmas cards.  I couldn't bear the idea of opening them and seeing all of the sweet smiling faces of kiddos and families.  All I wanted was to fast forward to 2015, a new year, a fresh start.  One I was hoping and praying would finally bring us the start of our family.  

One would have thought this year Christmas would be an absolutely magical time.  And believe me part of it was.  But there was another part of me that just can't forget the feeling of another year passing and being no closer to having the child you want so desperately.  In fact it wasn't that long ago that I assumed I would still be in that boat this Christmas.  We thought we'd be in the midst of the Family Building Plan at CCRM right now.  I had hoped to have at least one retrieval under my belt, and another one scheduled for the beginning of 2016.   However it would still be MONTHS before we'd be in a position to transfer IF we had any normal embryos.  So much waiting.  So many unknowns.

And while I"m absolutely thrilled that we spent this Christmas 14 weeks pregnant with our miracle twins (twins you guys, it still feels like a dream) I'm still having trouble believing this is really happening.  My little bump seems to be growing each day.  Every 2 weeks we have a sono and I get to see these little loves moving and growing and just being simply amazing.  Yet, I still get nervous or uncomfortable when the conversation is focused on the babies and the future.  I still feel gun shy about buying anything related to the twins.  I've made zero effort to even clean out their bedroom, much less do any measuring, painting, etc. etc.  All the books I've read suggest you have everything done and ready to go at 24 weeks when pregnant with identical twins like ours.  And here I am 15 weeks and I can't even commit to a shower date. 

So on Christmas morning as I sat enjoying the lights of our Christmas tree with Chloe snuggled up beside me I was so filled with happiness, yet there was a part of me that was so sad.  My wounds from our infertility battle are far from healed.  I still remember entirely too clearly what it feels like to watch those lights and wonder if every Christmas will continue to be this quiet and lonely.  If there will ever be Christmas presents under that tree for your own children.  If you'll be able to get through the family gathering without breaking down.  I remember what it feels like to want it all just to be over.  And my heart breaks for everyone who is still living that nightmare.

Yes this year was a different kind of Christmas for us.  One I'm so very thankful to have experienced.  But the hurt and pain don't just disappear.  I'll forever be marked, changed by what we went through.  And I understand what it feels like to be in that moment.  For those of you still there I'm thinking about you and praying for all of you every day.  And hoping that this time next year you'll be experiencing your own different kind of Christmas.  

New Doctor, Same Ol' Worries

Tomorrow is my appointment with the Maternal Fetal Specialist.  While the idea of a 4D ultrasound is super exciting of course I'm also nervous.  My assumption is since I'll be 13 weeks is they will be doing the NT scan that is typically done between 11 - 14 weeks since it hasn't been done at my OB office.  So obviously lots of prayers that everything looks good and there aren't any abnormalities found.  We are still doing the first trimester screening Harmony test but we'll re-draw for that next week at my OB office so it will be another 7-10 days from that appointment until we get those results.

The last few days I've been having some discomfort.  It's mostly felt like some pressure or a dull ache in my pelvis region.  I've definitely had what I believe are round ligament pains.  When I roll over in bed or sneeze or get up too fast I'll have kind of a stabbing pain near my groin.  I have read that the dull ache is associated with round ligament pain as well.  Today I've had what I would call some minor cramping which also has me worried.  I finally broke down and called my doctor's office.  The nurse was very kind and assured me that she thinks it's just stretching and growing from the babies.  She advised to drink lots of water and take it easy so that's what I'm doing.  Just praying so hard that all is still well.  I don't mind the discomfort at all, it's just the worry that something might be wrong.

In more exciting news we have started to spread the news to our friends and extended families.  We had some "announcement" pictures taken and have been using them to share our news.  We still haven't made a big Facebook announcement.  I'm actually struggling with that.  D is trying to decide how much of our story he's comfortable sharing.  And being on the receiving end of those announcements for years while we were trying so desperately makes me never want someone else to feel the way I have felt.   However I do remember a specific announcement of a friend from college that I'm not necessarily close with.  When she announced she shared their struggle, as well as an open invitation to reach out for anyone else who might be struggling, having lived through it.  So I think if we do decide on a FB announcement I'd like to do something similar.  Ultimately her story gave me hope and another resource/perspective/shoulder during my struggle.  To this day I still smile every time I see a post with a picture of her sweet toddler.

This brings me to another topic I've been struggling with.  When some friends have heard our news I've had a couple people ask us if the twins were "natural".  Even though we've kept the details of our struggle private most people know we have been trying for a couple years now.  So even if they aren't in the know they can speculate.  The question rubs me wrong for several reasons.  First what is the alternative to natural - unnatural??  Regardless of how any child is conceived there's never an unnatural way.  A child isn't less or more if you got pregnant on your own vs, help from treatments, vs. donor eggs or sperm or adoption.  Next - why does it matter??  Outside of people just being nosy I don't see why it matters if we conceived on our own or had help?  Finally after everything we've been through I'm almost hesitant to admit that these miracles are a result of an unassisted cycle.  The main reason being because I feel like it validates the stupid comments that we all hear so often.  That if we just relax it will happen, or it happened when we stopped trying, etc. etc.  The second reason is because I know this is not a typical ending for someone struggling with infertility.  I know it DOES happen (obviously) but most people will NEED some sort of assistance to grow their family.  Part of me feels like we are one of the few lucky ones but then when I think back to everything we've gone through and all the heartache it's pretty hard to feel lucky.  The one thing I do know is these babies are a gift from God, our miracles.  I have no idea if we'd be where we are today if we hadn't gone through everything we have.  My gut tells me we wouldn't.  And it's been worth every pill, every uncomfortable exam, every injection, every tear.  These babies are worth all of that and more.  I only wish that every couple who struggles with infertility was guaranteed a happy ending.  I know that's not the case.  So I guess that does make us one of the lucky ones.

12 weeks and counting.........

One more milestone down!  We had our sono today (11 weeks 6 days) and it was absolutely amazing!  The babies are SO big you guys.  Like big enough we didn't even need to zoom in!  They measured 12 weeks 2 days and 11 weeks 6 days.  Although Baby B was curled up a little bit and they were both moving around like crazy.  I'm talking arms and legs going like crazy.  It was absolutely mind blowing.  Their heart rates were 166 and 158.  We had trouble getting the second heart rate because he or she was moving around SO much.  

In other exciting news the small hemorrage I had was no where to be found (yeah!) and my cervix was long and closed and looked great.  In unexciting news we found out that we'll need to retest for my 1st trimester screening test.  We drew it at 9 weeks 6 days and due to the fact that it's twins there wasn't enough of the sample to test for both of them.  My doctor reassured me multiple times that there's no correlation with something being wrong and having to retest so I'm trying to trust her and not freak out about it.  On their website it does say to do the test between 11-14 weeks but my office said anytime after 10 weeks was okay.  So more waiting on those results.  I go to see the MFM for the first time next week so I'm hoping that sono will offer us some reassurance during that wait.  

So here we are.  Entering week 12.  Wow.  I never dreamed we would actually get here.  I know there's still a long way to go, but for today my heart is so happy and thankful.  

Below are pictures of our miracles.  OUR BABIES.  Wow.  

The Cycle

Well here we are again.  The day before sono day.  I just can't shake the worry and fears.  Tomorrow I will be 11 weeks 6 days.  Not only do we have our sono but we'll get the results from our first trimester screening test, the Harmony test which provides advanced screening for chromosomes 21 (down syndrome), 13 and 18 (which are the most common chronological disorders).

It's really hard to think of anything else but what tomorrow might bring.  The thought of getting through the day with all good news brings me such relief and hope.  The fear that something is wrong is paralyzing.  I pray throughout the day all day long that these little ones are continuing to grow and develop into healthy babies.  But when push comes to shove I just don't trust my body.  It has let me down so many times before.  And while I want so badly to think that this is finally our time I just can't be sure.

I was feeling much better as I started my 11th week.  Less tired and generally just less of the overall crappy feeling I'd been struggling with.  I had a few good days then a really bad day yesterday and today isn't much better.  I'm still taking the progesterone suppositories.  And now with the placenta starting to take over and hopefully produce it's own progesterone I wonder if I'm on overload.  I'm terribly bloated (when I wake up in the morning I just look pudgy but by bedtime I look blatantly pregnant), struggling with food, and the last couple days overly tired again.  I'm hoping these are all good signs.  Honestly I would feel like crap happily every day if it meant my babies were growing and doing well.

We also finally have our first appointment with the MFM scheduled for next week.  I know if by some miracle everything is okay tomorrow I will be anxiously awaiting that appointment.  D and I have decided if we get through all of that and everything is good then we'll make an announcement about the pregnancy.  I know our families are dying to shout it from the rooftops and there's a part of me that is too, but another part that is just so scared of something going wrong still.  Infertility is hard but one thing I never knew was how hard pregnancy after infertility is.  Don't get me wrong I'll take the fear of pregnancy any day over the struggle with infertility.  But it just seems that after we fight as hard as we do to become pregnant it should be an easy stress free road.  Maybe it is for some, but not the case for me.

So I ask you all, yet again, to say some prayers for our babies tonight.  We are praying so hard that the screening comes back low risk/normal and that both of our little miracles have continued to grow on schedule with strong heart beats.  As always thanks for the love and support and here's to hoping we are entering the 2nd trimester!

A wedding and a not so secret pregnancy

I am the worse blogger ever.  I can't believe I didn't update after our appointment last week.  If there's anyone waiting on pins and needles everything was great.  On Wednesday at the appointment we were 9 weeks 6 days.  Baby A measured 10 weeks exactly with a heart rate of 165bpm.  Baby B measured 9 weeks 5 days with the same heart rate of 164.  You guys they were both jumping around like crazy.  We had a hard time getting an accurate reading on Baby B's heart and length since he or she was moving so much.  It was so crazy.  My mom and my mother in law both came with me since we decided to have D stay at work for this one (he's a teacher and has missed so much school with these appointments).  We ended up FaceTiming him so it was basically a circus in the sono room.  But such a relief that they were both doing great.  This still just all feels like a dream to me.  It's so hard for me to actually wrap my head around the fact that we've made it this far.

We had a great holiday.  On Thursday we traveled to have Thanksgiving with my extended family.  My Aunt and Grandma already knew about the babies but I got to tell my two cousins that I'm closest with, which was a lot of fun.  I wanted to wait until 12 weeks to tell them but my Mom was literally bursting with the news so I caved.  Then this weekend my brother in law got married.  Our family has been consumed with wedding plans for months now so it was very exciting that it was finally here.  D and I both stood up with them so it was a crazy weekend of running around to get everything decorated and set up and then a long day on Saturday at the salon, taking pictures, etc.  Between my expanding waist and all the bloat there really wasn't much hiding the fact that I'm pregnant in my bridesmaid dress.  I got the first question about it Friday night at the Rehearsal dinner and they just kept coming on Sat.  For those that flat out asked if I was pregnant (yes, several people did that?!) I just told them that it was still early and due to the issues we've had in the past we weren't telling people until we were out of the first trimester.  Most of the people that asked knew at the very least that we've been trying a long time, and some of them even knew we've had multiple miscarriages.  There were a couple people who I am not remotely close with who flat out asked which was just shocking to me.  You'd think after almost three years of struggling I'd be used to it.

That was our weekend in a nutshell.  So much to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.  As I said before it still just doesn't seem real.  This week I'm traveling for work all week long.  So there's not even the possiblity for a sono.  Which is scary to me.  Our next appointment is scheduled for Wed. Dec. 9th at our OBGYN's office.  However we should get a call from the MFM specialist this week.  If they can see us next week then we'll bump our appointment at my OB's as there's no sense in seeing both of them the same week.  I'm anxious to get into the MFM so I hope they call soon.  We also did the Harmony first trimester screening tests last week.  For those of you that aren't familiar they now have very advanced blood tests for the first trimester screening.  It will test for all of the common genetic disorders such as Down Syndrome, Trisomy 18, etc.  They are much more accurate than the old quad marker tests.  In addition they can tell you sex of the baby which was super exciting until my nurse broke it to me that with twins it won't be able to tell us.  Which surprises me especially since they are identical?  But honestly I'm not even disappointed about that.  I have zero preference as far as the sex goes.  I just want them to be healthy.  I get sick to my stomach when I start thinking about getting those test results so I'm trying just to put it out of my mind and I"m praying every day that they just continue to grow into healthy babies. The test results usually take 7-10 days but with the holidays my doctor's office said to expect two weeks.  So we should get the results about the same time as our next sono appointment.  If by some miracle those results come back normal and we get through the first 4D sono at the MFM's office with no red flags I will be absolutely beside myself.  I know there's still so much risk but those are some big milestones for sure.  If all is well we will officially make an announcement.  I've been thinking a lot about how I want to do that,

Real or Not Real

The title to this post has two meanings.  The first being it was opening weekend for the last Hunger Games movie which I went and saw and it was awesome.  The second is of course, related to this pregnancy.

Each day is filled with worry on if everything is progressing as it should be.  On Wednesday of last week, the day after our Scary Morning, I got a call from the doctor's office saying that my progesterone level was at 15 and they wanted me to start on suppositories.  My OBGYN likes to see your progesterone above 20, although I know CCRM told me that 9 was the lowest end of "normal".  After panicking and researching I discovered that progesterone levels can/do fluctuate during the day.  Most of my appointments have been in the morning but my last blood draw was an afternoon appointment.  I also read that starting week 8-9 progesterone levels *can* decrease as the placenta starts to take over (though this won't be complete until week 12ish).  You would think all of that information would make me feel better.  Nope.  The fact that I had some bleeding (even though they could give me an answer for why it was happening and weren't concerned) with the decreasing progesterone levels has made me feel like it's the beginning of the end of this pregnancy.  I'm just so terrified of losing these precious babies.  And it consumes me.  I know it's not good for me or the babies.  And I do everything I can to try and think positive thoughts.  But after all we've been through it's just so hard NOT to worry and obsess.  I had a couple days where I felt pretty good, which of course makes me nervous.  In addition now that I started the progesterone I find no comfort in my symptoms since they can all be attributed to the suppositories.

I've also taken to obsessing over my belly.  By the end of the day it's actually pretty big due to all the bloating.  But when I wake up in the morning it really doesn't look any different than when I was not pregnant except maybe slightly noticeable that I've gained a couple pounds.  My regular clothes fit fine in the morning although they are uncomfortable by the evening due to the bloat.  At 9 1/2 weeks I just feel like with twins I should be showing more.  However this is obviously my first baby(ies) and I'm 5'8' tall with a long torso. Plus the babies are still the size of peanuts (literally that's the food reference this week) so how big should I really be?

Welcome to my world of crazy.  These are the thoughts that run through my mind non stop every day.  I'm actually relieved to be back at work today so I have more of a distraction to keep my mind occupied.  Wednesday is our next sono at 9 weeks 6 days.  I know I say this every time but I feel like this is a big milestone for us.  If all is okay on Wed. our next appointment will be our 12 week with the MFM.  There's a million other worries associated with that appointment but I won't even go there now.  One milestone at a time.  I pray constantly throughout the day for these two little miracles that God has blessed us with.  And I'll gladly deal with the worry and stress for the whole 9 months to get two little healthy babies at the end.  I'll endure absolutely anything for their health and safety.  I just pray so hard that I get that chance.

Scary Morning

It's been quite a morning here.  Yesterday I called and talked to my nurse and they scheduled me for a sono at 8:30 this morning.  Well my alarm went off at 6am and I got up to pee which includes a normal 5 min inspection of the toilet paper.  However as soon as I whipped I saw blood.  I screamed loud enough that D jumped out of bed and came flying into the bathroom.  I immediately started bawling.  Thank goodness he kept his head.  He led me back to bed and just told me to lay down.  My parents were coming to the sono with me today since D is a teacher and can't be missing school once a week.  He quickly threw some clothes on and said he would run to school and get everything squared away for a sub and then come back to get me to take me to the doctors appointment.  While he was gone I just layed there praying so hard.  I called my parents and they said they would still meet us at the appointment to be there for moral support.  D was back so quick and we hit the road.  We got to the appointment 15 minutes early only to find out the sono tech wasn't going to be there until 9.  So we had a 45 min. wait.  I'm so thankful my parents were there to distract and support us otherwise I'm sure I would have just sat there and cried the entire time.  I went back to go to the bathroom and talked to a couple of the nurses.  They were very positive and said there's a lot of different reasons for bleeding outside of miscarriage and we just needed to wait and see.

Finally we got called back by the sono tech.  It was the same sweet woman we had at our last bad sono when we didn't see a heartbeat.  I actually felt kind of bad for her through my own worry and sadness.  She got us started pretty quickly but did not turn on the big flat screen that we watch.  She just had her little computer screen on.  She quickly assured us that she saw one heartbeat and then another.  Huge sigh of relief.  Then she turned the big screen on and I could tell right away that they had grown.  She did some quick measurements and they came in at 8 weeks 4 days and 8 weeks 5 days (I am 8w5d today!).  We then listened to each little heartbeat individually.  They were both measuring 174bpm!  That was great news as last week Baby A that had originally measured behind had caught up in size but it's heart rate was at 148 which was on the lowest end of average for that time.  So good news all the way around.

She also thought she could very faintly see the membrane separating their amniotic sacs!  This is something I have been praying so hard for since the risk with MoMo twins are so high.  Another huge relief.

After a little more inspection she pointed out two different areas of my uterus where she could see some tissue coming loose.  It was kind of confusing but I took it as it's sort of break through bleeding from when you should be having your period.  One of the areas was very close to my cervix so it was what was most likely causing the bleeding I had today.  There was another area near the top of my uterus that she said could cause more bleeding at a later time.  Obviously this all still worries me but I feel better knowing that it could happen again and there's a non-threatening reason for it.  She said it was fairly common in early pregnancy.

So overall good news today and a huge relief.  I'm not going to lie there's a part of me that is so scared that everything was fine today but it's the beginning of the end.  Even after all of the reassurance today it's still very nerve wracking.  But the good news is we kept our appointment for next Wed so we only have a week to wait until we get another update.  That will be 10 weeks which I feel like is a big milestone!.  Knowing they are both growing so well and have strong heartbeats does do a lot to calm my crazy though.

We ask for your continued prayers through this scary time!  It means so much.