Shock

I don't even know how to start this post.  Yesterday was definitely one of the most stressful days of my life.  I was sick to my stomach all day with worry about the pending ultrasound.  The day took forever and I couldn't concentrate on anything else.  Work was a complete disaster.  Finally it was time for me to leave and head to the appointment.  D was waiting for me in the parking lot.  When we got there I had to pee of course so I went back to use the restroom and saw my doctor when I was walking out.  She took one look at me and dropped everything and came over to give me a hug.  She just told me to take a couple deep breaths and they'd get me back there as soon as possible.  I returned to the waiting room and we sat there for what felt like forever.  Finally they called us back and it was a new sono tech that I hadn't met or dealt with before.  She asked how far along I was and I immediately just started spilling our whole story to her.  Like I needed to prepare HER in case it was bad news.  She left so I could get undressed and I was literally shaking all over.  When she finally came back and we got started as soon as she put the wand in I was searching the screen for the sac, which I saw right away and I could see a small white blob in it.  As she was zooming in she said "Oh I see a little heartbeat".  I immediately got tears in my eyes and said "You do??"  She confirmed and then I will never forget what happened next..........

She said "And there's the other one....I thought I saw two".

Silence.  Confusion.  Finally I was like "Are you serious?"  And she said "Yep, here's the first baby and there's the second.  I see heartbeats for both but we will measure and listen to them separately".  At some point I said my husband's name in a panicked tone and I remember him saying "It's okay, it's okay".  I'm not sure either of us said much after that.  I'm pretty sure we're still in shock.  I just cannot believe it.  Twins.  Naturally.  Wow.

Yesterday I was 6 weeks 6 days.  Baby A was measuring 6 weeks 2 days with a heartbeat of 115 (they said they just wanted to see it over 100 at this point).  Baby B was measuring 6 weeks 5 days with a heartbeat of 128.  Obviously I'm a little concerned about baby A measuring behind but no one else seemed to be at all.  I am just praying so hard that he or she continues to grow grow grow this week.

I feel greedy but I want them both.  So So badly.  Being 35 and with our history I had basically come to peace with it being a miracle if we got one baby.  I had let go of my dreams of having more than one child and pushed aside my sadness of that child not having a sibling.  But once I saw those little heartbeats I was done.  It feels selfish and greedy and like I'm asking for SO much but I want them both in my arms in approx. 30 weeks.

Here in my "safe" spot I'll be completely honest and vulnerable that the thought did cross my  mind that with two maybe, just maybe one of them will actually make it.  It feels completely unrealistic to me to think that both of these beautiful tiny little specks of life will make it.  But once again, I want them both so much.  I am praying with everything in me that next week at our second sono they BOTH have strong heartbeats and good growth.  Obviously this all just seems too good to be true but I can't help but to hope and wonder......is this my redemption story?