Real or Not Real

The title to this post has two meanings.  The first being it was opening weekend for the last Hunger Games movie which I went and saw and it was awesome.  The second is of course, related to this pregnancy.

Each day is filled with worry on if everything is progressing as it should be.  On Wednesday of last week, the day after our Scary Morning, I got a call from the doctor's office saying that my progesterone level was at 15 and they wanted me to start on suppositories.  My OBGYN likes to see your progesterone above 20, although I know CCRM told me that 9 was the lowest end of "normal".  After panicking and researching I discovered that progesterone levels can/do fluctuate during the day.  Most of my appointments have been in the morning but my last blood draw was an afternoon appointment.  I also read that starting week 8-9 progesterone levels *can* decrease as the placenta starts to take over (though this won't be complete until week 12ish).  You would think all of that information would make me feel better.  Nope.  The fact that I had some bleeding (even though they could give me an answer for why it was happening and weren't concerned) with the decreasing progesterone levels has made me feel like it's the beginning of the end of this pregnancy.  I'm just so terrified of losing these precious babies.  And it consumes me.  I know it's not good for me or the babies.  And I do everything I can to try and think positive thoughts.  But after all we've been through it's just so hard NOT to worry and obsess.  I had a couple days where I felt pretty good, which of course makes me nervous.  In addition now that I started the progesterone I find no comfort in my symptoms since they can all be attributed to the suppositories.

I've also taken to obsessing over my belly.  By the end of the day it's actually pretty big due to all the bloating.  But when I wake up in the morning it really doesn't look any different than when I was not pregnant except maybe slightly noticeable that I've gained a couple pounds.  My regular clothes fit fine in the morning although they are uncomfortable by the evening due to the bloat.  At 9 1/2 weeks I just feel like with twins I should be showing more.  However this is obviously my first baby(ies) and I'm 5'8' tall with a long torso. Plus the babies are still the size of peanuts (literally that's the food reference this week) so how big should I really be?

Welcome to my world of crazy.  These are the thoughts that run through my mind non stop every day.  I'm actually relieved to be back at work today so I have more of a distraction to keep my mind occupied.  Wednesday is our next sono at 9 weeks 6 days.  I know I say this every time but I feel like this is a big milestone for us.  If all is okay on Wed. our next appointment will be our 12 week with the MFM.  There's a million other worries associated with that appointment but I won't even go there now.  One milestone at a time.  I pray constantly throughout the day for these two little miracles that God has blessed us with.  And I'll gladly deal with the worry and stress for the whole 9 months to get two little healthy babies at the end.  I'll endure absolutely anything for their health and safety.  I just pray so hard that I get that chance.