Looking Back

This month has been a time of reflection for me.  For the first time on this journey I've allowed myself to look at where we started, how far we've come, and of course how far we have to go.  2 1/2 years, 31 months, 961 days.  It's a small period of time in the grand scheme of life.  But for us this time has passed with pain, heartbreak, and small pockets of hope that were snuffed out so quickly.  Each passing month, let's be honest each passing day, is one day too long that we've been in this fight to grow our family.  It feels like so much longer than 2 1/2 years.  However when I look back at this time in our life this is what I see:

3 fresh IVF retrievals
5 transfers of 8 embryos
1 natural pregnancy
1 chemical pregnancy
2 miscarriages
Countless blood draws, tests, procedures, ultrasounds,injections, and drugs
Hours of worry
An ocean of tears
Endless waiting

I wouldn't wish this heartbreak and pain on anyone.  But, as it usually goes with life, there is also a silver lining.  Although when I measure these past 2 1/2 years I do it in treatments, cycles, and disappointments when I look at the above list I see something else.

Unconditional love
Strength beyond comprehension
Endurance that can't be measured
Hope that refuses to be extinguished
Persistence
Fight
Support
Encouragement

Although this rocky road was NOT in our plan when we said I Do, today I look at my husband in a whole new light.  This man has stood by me when it would have been so much easier to walk away.  He has seen me at my worst, dragged me out of dark hole after dark hole.  He's held me when I cried, made me laugh through my tears.  Our love, our marriage, is so strong. And for that I am grateful.

They say you don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only choice.  And that is exactly right.  It takes strength to endure the disappointments and get up every day to continue to face them.  It takes endurance to start yet another cycle of pills, injections, uncontrollable hormones, and so much unknown. To hope when all the odds are against you, when others are telling you to give up.  To have the kind of persistence to try again.  To continue to fight this battle when your body and soul are broken and so very tired.  Some may call me stupid but I am proud of these characteristics that have come to define us.

Finally when I look back at what we've been through on this journey I see support and encouragement.  No, not everyone understands what we are going through or why we continue on.  And they don't need to, it's not for them.  But others, our families, our closest friends, and this amazing community continue to offer support and encouragement.  They are the light for us in this dark tunnel.  It's what allows us to continue on.  For that I am so very thankful.  

I find myself looking to all of you again for your support and prayers.  This month I find myself pregnant, again, naturally.  As we prepped the second time for our first cycle at CCRM this time I took a pregnancy test before starting injections after what happened last time.  And it was positive.  To say I was shocked doesn't even begin to describe my feelings.  In this space where I can be transparent I'll tell you our first reaction was anger.  We had managed to get through the hell that was the last miscarriage.  I was physically recovered and we were mentally ready to start our journey at CCRM.  We knew they are were our best chance.  And now not only was this another delay but most likely more of the gut wrenching heartache and disappointment.

Now that we've had a couple of weeks to absorb the news our anger and confusion has morphed slowly into hope.  While realistically I know that we have a high risk of miscarriage there's still something inside of me saying this could be IT.  I pray throughout the day and at night when sleep eludes me that I'll get to meet this life that God has blessed me with.  For regardless of what happens with this pregnancy I am blessed to carry this life for the short term or the long.  I tested two days before my expected period and when I got the positive immediately called my OB.  I went in for a blood test and my beta was at 66.  Two days later (the day my period was expected to arrive) our beta had more than doubled and was at 166.  A week later we were over 3600.  With each passing day and each milestone I find more hope in my heart.  The fear is still there and will overtake me at a moments notice if I let it.  But I am strong,  I have endurance,  I will persist.  I will fight.  And I will hope with everything in me that this is it for us.

Your thoughts and prayers are greatly appreciated during this time.  We'll have a fourth beta this week and if all is progressing as it should our fist ultrasound will be next week.  

Believing the Unbelievable

I've been thinking about writing this post for over 3 weeks now.  Actually if I'm being honest I've been dreaming of writing this update for over 2  years.  But let me start at the beginning.

At my last update we were just starting our calendar for our first CCRM cycle.  After we induced my period with progesterone I was testing for ovulation so we'd know when I could start the estrogen patches for priming.  I started testing on cycle day 9.  The nurse instructed me to test in the morning with second or third morning urine.  I splurged and bought the expensive clear blue easy ovulation tests with the smiley faces.  I've used those before and felt they were much clearer than struggling with the lines on the other tests.  So cycle day 9 nothing, cycle day 10 nothing, cycle day 11 nothing.  Not even the blinking smiley face that leads up to the solid one that indicates ovulation.  Just for kicks I decided to test again on day 11 in the afternoon.  And I got a solid smiley face.  WTH?  How could I go from nothing to ovulating in less than a few hours?  I called CCRM and they basically said to continue testing the next couple days (through the weekend) and to call them back on Monday.  I continued to test but never got another positive reading.  On Monday they sent orders for me to get an u/s to check and see if I had ovulated.  So I went in on June 15th for that ultrasound and it showed that I had, indeed, ovulated.  So YEAH!  I started the estrogen patches and then on cycle day 25 started the ganarelix injections which I took for three days.  I was scheduled to start my period on June 28th.  Of course that didn't happen.  I was in complete panic mode about how that would affect things.  I called my nurse at CCRM right away on Monday morning and she said we could make some adjustments if it starts within a few days.  Then miraculously it started the very next afternoon!  I was so relieved.  I called my nurse right away and we scheduled the suppression check ultrasound for Wed. of that week.  If we were clear of cysts we'd start STIM drugs on Friday and I'd be on a plane to Colorado on Monday morning!  I was still in shock and could not believe this was finally happening!

I went in on Wednesday for the suppression check.  I told the ultrasound tech that I had started my period on Monday afternoon but it had been very light.  I had my orders from CCRM and was so nervous as I've had a cyst before that delayed my cycle.  The ultrasound took FOREVER and once she was finally done she told me to sit tight that the doctor may or may not want to see me.  My heart immediately dropped.   I was certain something was wrong as I never see the doctor during monitoring appointments.  So after a few minutes the u/s tech came back in and told me to get dressed and then she'd take me to a waiting room and the doctor would come talk to me.  By this point I was starting to really freak out.  Did they find something terrible like a big ol' cancerous tumor??  Did my ovaries get eaten by all of the drugs I've taken the last two years and disappear??  I was regretting not having D come with me to the appointment.  I was so freaked out I called him and told him something was wrong.  Right as I was losing it to him on the phone the doctor walked in.  I will never forgot her words as long as I live.  "I have some surprising news - you're pregnant".  I immediately told her that I can't get pregnant that's why I'm there.  She then filled me in on the fact that they had seen a gestational sac in the ultrasound and that it was early but I was indeed pregnant.  I just sat there staring at her in complete shock.  She said that I could go to the lab to get the bloodwork done that CCRM had ordered for me (e2 and progesterone level check) and that they were adding a HCG test to that as well.  At some point I started crying and she said she'd give me a few minutes to pull myself together.  The walk to the lab was a complete blur.  All I could think of is that the ultrasound had to be wrong and the HCG test would prove that.  I gave a high level explanation of what was happening to the girl drawing my blood and she told me that we'd have the results in an hour.  So I left and literally went and sat in my car.  I didn't want to call D back because I didn't know what to say!  So I text him and just told him all was fine.  He totally bought that because I may have a tendency to over react on a regular basis.  As I was sitting there trying to figure out what to do with myself (because obviously there was no WAY I could go back to work) I got a text from my sweet friend Amanda just checking in on me.  Her timing could not have been more perfect.  I completely unloaded on her and even though she had to be in complete shock as well she totally talked me through it.  I called back in an hour and got my HCG level.  They told me it was 4200.  Once again - WHAT?  That was WAY too high.  I asked if they didn't mean 420 and they said no it was definitely 4200.  After a quick consult with Dr. Google we discovered that number was in line with being around 5.5 weeks pregnant and since I had started my period on June 1st and it was currently July 1st we thought I was somewhere around 4.5 weeks.  I called CCRM and gave them the news.  After they received all of the information from my doctor's office here my amazing nurse Cindy (does anyone else have her?!  If you EVER end up at CCRM and are a patient of Dr. Schoolcraft requrest this woman!  She is an angel sent from heaven specifically for all of us infertiles).  Cindy was completely ecstatic for me while also managing to be cautious.  She told me her initial thoughts were that with a HCG level that high they should have seen more than just a gestational sac.  She felt as if a fetal pole and yolk sac should have been present.  CCRM's protocol was to wait a week and have another ultrasound done.  After I got off the phone with her I went and bought a pregnancy test.  I had to see it with my own eyes.  I got one of the digital ones that says pregnant and then tells you in weeks how far along you are.  I knew taking it in the middle of the day vs. first morning would probably affect the results but I just had to see.  Sure enough it came up pregnant and said 2-3 weeks (which is from conception, not from your last period). Even after all of this I was still in denial.  I was finally starting to believe I was actually pregnant but I also knew that there was a disconnect between the HCG level and the ultrasound.  I finally went home to wait for D.  When he walked in the house I told him that I figured out why I had been feeling so awful the last week or so (I had been SO moody, emotional, and three mornings in a row was so nauseous I couldn't even eat breakfast - I had chalked it up to the estrogen patches).  I showed him the test and he just looked at it blankly.  He finally said "I don't get it".  When I told him I was pregnant it was with my usual "cautiously optimistic" attitude.  Yes I was pregnant but this was still me.  And of course it couldn't be cut and dry.  I explained everything that happened and told him that basically all we could do is wait for the ultrasound to see if things were progressing.  Neither one of us smiled or laughed.  We didn't celebrate.  We were both crippled with fear.  This was everything we've been wanting, dreaming of, right in front of us.  Could we really be this lucky?  It just didn't seem likely.

So the next morning when I got to work I decided to call my OBGYN to inform her of what was going on (I was being monitored for CCRM at the local hospital since it's right next door to my work and super convenient).  Once I filled in the receptionist she said that she would let my doctor know and someone would call me back.  I guess I should also mention that my OBGYN is A-MAZING.  She has an IVF baby herself and she completely "gets" it.  She called me back HERSELF in just a little over an hour and said why don't I come in tomorrow morning.  So I made an appointment for Friday morning.  When she walked in the exam room she happily hugged and congratulated me.  I immediately corrected her and explained that the HCG numbers and the ultrasound weren't adding up.  She quickly dismissed my concerns and told me that she had a patient with an HCG level of 16,000 and they couldn't see anything in the ultrasound.  She said that every person and every pregnancy is different.  Then she asked if it would provide some comfort if we did another ultrasound on Monday.  After I burst into tears I finally told her that would be amazing.  So she had them draw some blood and then told me to come back on Monday and we'd draw again and do the sono.  For whatever reason surviving the weekend knowing we'd have an answer first thing Monday morning was WAY easier than waiting until Thursday like CCRM ordered me to do.  The weekend passed in a blur of nerves and fears and Monday came quicker than I thought was possible.  As D and I sat in the waiting room I was literally shaking.  We had talked it to death and were prepared for any outcome.  We had chosen to look at this as a "bonus" opportunity and were taking it as a good sign.  I got pregnant.  On my own.  If this worked than we were one of the lucky ones.  If not, then we'd continue to move forward with our CCRM plan.  We saved the money, we knew our odds, and if this didn't work out it changed nothing.  When they called us back to the sono room I thought we both were going to throw up before we made it.  The tech introduced herself and started to explain that being only 5 weeks along we most likely wouldn't be able to see much.  I quickly filled her in on the situation and watched as her expression turned serious.  I found myself reassuring her that we were prepared either way and just ready for some answers.  Once we got started she turned the screen and with a very relieved voice quickly pointed out the baby to us.  She did some quick measurements and the baby was measuring right at 6 weeks on the dot.  6 weeks!!  WHAT the WHAT?  Then she got super excited and said that she could even see the tiny flickering of the baby's heart.  I was still recovering from the 6 week shock and evidently was squeezing D's hand so hard he had to tap me on the shoulder so I'd release some pressure.  When I turned and looked at him I saw the biggest smile EVER on his face.  The tech kept asking us if we saw the heart beat.  We both said yes even though we confided in each other that neither of us could really see it.  All that mattered was that SHE saw it!  I got dressed and my OB was waiting outside the door for me with a huge hug.  She took me back to an exam room and we had our first official appointment.  Since I was a new OB patient for her she said she wanted me to come back in 1-2 weeks for another appointment.  I asked if we'd do another sono and she said we could if that would ease my anxiety.  Seriously I would have kissed this woman if she would have come close enough!  So I made the appointment for the middle of the following week knowing there was no way I'd make it two weeks but trying to make it longer than one.  We were on cloud nine for the rest of Monday and actually most of Tues.  By Wednesday the fear had set back in and on Thurs. afternoon I was having some cramping.  I left work a little early and went home and took a nap and it seemed to improve.  Friday I decided to work from home and the cramping started up first thing in the morning.  Around lunchtime I finally broke down and called the doctor's office.  I know some mild cramping is normal but this was definitely more than mild.  The nurse at my doctor's office said she was delivering a baby and they don't have a sono tech on Fridays anyway.  She instructed me to drink a lot of water, stay in bed, and if they became severe to go to the ER.  We contemplated going several times but when push came to shove I knew there was nothing they could do to STOP it if I was miscarrying so I chose just to stay in bed and take it easy.  By Friday night the cramps had definitely gotten better.  Saturday I just had a couple of small episodes.  Sunday and Monday I felt GREAT.  Which only worried me more.  Monday afternoon I called my doctor's office to see if they could move my Wed. appointment up to Tues morning.  They shifted some things around and were able to get me in at 10am on Tues. Sitting in the waiting room that morning felt the same but also different than the week before.  Before we were both still in shock and denial I think.  After seeing the baby and being told it's heart was beating we were far more invested than the week before.  We were both too nervous to even speak in the waiting room.  We just sat there clutching hands.  They called  us back and I felt like I was on an episode of Groundhog Day when I told the cheerful tech that I had some significant cramping last week and we were very worried.  However this time as soon as the wand was inserted and the baby came into focus you  could CLEARLY see it's tiny heartbeat going so fast.  Huge sigh of relief and some tears on my part.  The baby's heartbeat was 129 which they said was great.  At 7 weeks it's typically supposed to be between 90-110 and at 8 weeks between 120 and 160.  We were 7 weeks 1 day at that point.  She was trying to get some measurements but the way the baby was situated in the sac was really hard.  The measurements came in at 6 weeks 5 days so behind schedule.  The tech nor the doctor were concerned since the heart beat was strong and the baby wasn't really cooperating.  So more celebrations in the office (seriously can I just move in there for the duration of this?).  We went over all of the first trimester screening options and she said to come back at 10 weeks and we'd do the blood work for that.  D just flat out said "She's not going to make it until then".  My wonderful, caring, amazing doctor just laughed and said how about you come back in two weeks and we'll do another ultrasound.  Seriously I may leave D for this woman.  I'm not sure I've ever loved another human this much.  So...here we are.  They are telling me I am 8 weeks 2 days pregnant.  There's still a huge part of me that can NOT believe this is happening.  Obviously I'm still terrified.  I have at least one major breakdown per day.  But I also have fleeting moments of hope and happiness.  This is further than we've ever gotten before.  Three retrievals, five transfers of 8 total embryos.  One chemical and one miscarriage.  During that pregnancy my beta started SO low (12, 59, then 177).  At the 7 week ultrasound there was nothing there.  I most likely miscarried soon after the third beta. But here we are.  We are THAT couple.  The one that conceives on their own after YEARS of treatment and trying.  It seems completely impossible.  This is the kind of stuff that happens to everyone BUT me.  And while I'm hopeful, I really truly am, I still can't force myself to let my guard down.  We all know what it feels like to know too much, to want this SO bad.  And honestly the only ending I"m familiar with is the bad ones.  I know how to keep trying.  I know how to prep myself physically and emotionally for the drugs, the side effects, the stress.  What I don't know is how to be pregnant.  It's something I'm praying I can learn.

*~*~*~*DISCLOSURE - If you know me in real life we are obviously not ready to tell ANYONE this news yet so we ask that you please keep it to yourself ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

A Time of Peace

I logged in to check blogs today and was bombarded by good news.  A donor embryo match for one friend, a graduation to her OB for another.  And a long awaited transfer for a very special girl.  As I was reading all of the good news I felt so full of hope.  For these beautiful, strong women.  For myself.  I haven't had that feeling in quite a while.  2014 has been a rough one for me, but for many of my blog friends it's been the year they've been waiting for.  And while I've struggled with my faith, my hope, and my perseverance this year the success my friends have found continues to fill me.  Their strength motivates me to not give up.  And their grace makes me want to be a better person.  So thank you to all of the strong, amazing women of this community.  For being my strength and my hope when I couldn't find my own.  With the holidays quickly approaching (which we all know is NOT an easy time) I am surprised to find myself at peace with our situation.  No, 2014 was not our year.  But 2015 just might be.

9

So Beta number one today came in at a 9.  Sigh.  Knowing we were testing at 8dp5dt I knew it would be low.  But my research indicated that somewhere between a 30-40 would have been average.  I was hoping for something closer to 50 for some reassurance.  Obviously that didn't happen.  While I am extremely grateful that hope is not lost, I am also a complete bundle of nerves.  I won't have my 2nd Beta until Tuesday thanks to the long holiday weekend so we need to see that number quadruple.  I thought about getting some FRER pregnancy tests and testing at home but even if my number doubles in 48 hours like it should, it will still be under a 25 which is where it needs to be for the test to pick it up.  Which means it would basically be Monday before I could get a positive.  But honestly I've been getting up 2 and 3 times during the night to pee, so then I start to wonder if I'd even have enough concentration in my urine to get a positive result and honestly it's just not worth it.  I think I'll just wait it out.

So we continue to pray and think positive thoughts.  I'll take care of myself as best as I can and know that I'm doing everything to help our little one.  To all of you that have been praying for us, offered supportive texts, comments, and emails, or even just took the time to read an update - thank you so much for the support.  I'm not sure if this is it for us, but I'm going to remain hopeful until the end and trust in God's plan.

Filled with Hope

Thanks for all of the emails checking on me.  I realize I've been kind of quiet lately and there's basically two reasons for that.  The first is that there's not much going on in my cycle right now.  I started Lupron for suppression on July 23rd.  I went in yesterday for my baseline tests and everything came back fine.  Today I switched from the Lupron to Ganirelix and I'll start adding in IM shots of E2V tomorrow.  Monday (providing I start my period)  I'll start stims and then things should really start moving forward.  Overall I'm feeling pretty good.  I have been feeling positive and hopeful about this cycle.  I felt like yesterday the drugs were starting to catch up with me as I've been really emotional and weepy.  But that's just part of it.  I'm feeling better today but as I was looking ahead on my work calendar trying to make sure my days of potential retrieval and transfer were clear, I had a small panic attack about not having anything to transfer.  As you guys know we are doing CCS genetic testing on our embryos this round.  If none of our embryos come back genetically normal then we won't have anything to transfer.  However the tests will provide a lot of insight that I think we need to determine how we move forward in this battle with infertility.  So while that thought scares me, I'm trying to focus on the fact that we'll know more after this cycle than we did before.  So right now in the moment I'm just trying to take care of my body.  I'm exercising, eating healthy and trying to stay as positive as I can.  There's a part of me that just feels like this HAS to be it (mostly because the thought of where we go if this doesn't work completely overwhelms me).  I'm excited about the potential of this working and hopefully knowing that we are transferring a normal embryo who has a really good chance of turning into our take home baby.  While IVF cycles are scary, stressful, and overwhelming it also is a time of hope and excitement.  So that's where my focus is.  

The second reason I haven't had much to say is because there's been some major (exciting!) stuff going on in our little blog community with others.  Sweet Jessah is in her 2ww coming off of an amazing cycle.  I have so much hope that this is IT for her!  Her journey has been a long one and her persistence, positive attitude, and hope are such an inspiration for me.  I hope she can feel the love that we are all sending her way and I'm praying with everything I've got for some fabulous news come beta time!  Suzanne has started a new path on her journey and I've been filled with excitement for her and her husband as I read about each step forward they take.  These steps require some big decisions which I know are not easy.  It hurts my heart that she's faced with difficult decisions but she is handling it with grace and faith and I know that her choices are going to lead her down the right path.  We've also had a lot of reasons to celebrate and renew our faith and hope that this process DOES work!  Mrs. Lost, Allison, and Aubrey have all recently welcomed babies home.  These are three of the first blogs I found when I ventured into the online IF community.  I remember pouring over their posts and getting up to speed on their struggles and feeling such a connection.  These women are my hope for what the future could bring for me and D.

There's so many more of you out there who I follow.  This community is a place I can turn to when I'm feeling like no one understands what I'm going through.  In my darkest hours you all are a light that reminds me I'm not alone and there is hope.

The Day that *Could* Change Everything

Well we did it!  One more transfer under our belt.  We were able to transfer our one little embryo that we have left.  Our fighter.  Our hope.  Our baby.

I was a complete nervous wreck the morning of transfer.  My appointment wasn't until the afternoon and I knew they were beginning the thaw that morning.  Every time my phone made a noise D and I almost threw up, certain it was the clinic calling to tell us that he didn't survive.  But our tough little guy came through again with no issues.  We woke up early on transfer day and went for a run together, then out to breakfast.  It was so nice to have some time together just the two of us.  We made the decision not to tell anyone the exact time of our transfer so we could pass along information when we were ready on our own terms (in case of bad news).  An hour before our appointment I started drinking my water and then we headed to the clinic.  We were the last appointment of the day and as soon as I got there they gave me some Valium to help with the anxiety (thank you Jesus) and I immediately asked how our little guy was doing.  They assured me that the thaw went fine and Dr. H. would be in to talk to us before transfer.  I got undressed and laid on the table with D sitting next to me.  Of course my amazing staff was in and out prepping me and getting us ready all the while easing our anxiety and showering us with love and positivity.  It was a special day at my clinic as the head of the center who is based in a different state was in town and there for my transfer.  I was a little nervous about having a new player in the mix but figured another set of eyes and expert opinion couldn't hurt.  Finally Dr. H. came in with the above picture of our little guy and explained to us that on Day 5 they want to see the cells evenly sized with a mass in the middle and they want it to be clear when they look at it through the microscope.  He said that Frosty had all of those characteristics which was good news.  He patted my knee in his fatherly way and said he'd be back shortly to begin.  D and I sat together studying the picture of the life we created (well with a whole lot of help).  A piece of him and a piece of me.  Tears stung my eyes as I prayed over the picture of our sweet little embaby and my heart filled with hope.  My nurses came in and checked my bladder to make sure it was full enough and we were good to go.  Before I knew it the room was full of people bustling around.  Jo my faithful, kind nurse was there holding the ultrasound wand on my stomach to that Dr. H could see my uterus.  She squeezed my hand and offered a reassuring smile.  Nurse Jenny - my life line, was behind Dr. H. to assist if he needed anything.  Dr. H walked in with the head doctor who introduced himself to us and shook D's hand telling us how excited he was to be present today.  As Dr. H. assumed the position they talked us through everything.  We saw the catheter come onto the ultrasound screen and heard the Embryologist in the lab open the connecting window and asked us to confirm our names and that we were transferring one Day 5 blastocyst.  D and I answered yes together and then Frosty was there in the room. Once I saw her pass the embryo through the window I immediately relaxed.  We were reunited, together again.  And regardless of if this transfer is successful the life that we had all worked so hard to create was about to be placed where it belonged - inside me.  Dr. H. walked us through the steps telling us to watch the screen.  We saw the embryo come up through the catheter and then the magical moment where they released it into my uterus.  While I wasn't as emotional as my first transfer, and not as overwhelmed as I was in my second I simply felt at peace.  This is what I had been waiting for.  Finally he was home.

The catheter was checked in the lab under the microscope to confirm that the embryo was released and they snapped this beautiful picture on the u/s machine.

The rest of the appointment was pretty uneventful.  I laid on the table for 30 min. trying not to pee everywhere and then we headed home.   I slept most of the rest of the afternoon and basically was on bed rest the next day as well.  We watched lots of Netflix and movies and just relaxed.

So...now the dreaded 2ww.  Is there anything more hard?  I hate how helpless I feel during this week.  I take my meds and do my shots and pray that this is it.  I wish there was more I could do for this child of ours that I love with all my heart.

I got to thinking on Father's Day yesterday, which was another hard day for us, that this is the 5th embryo we've transferred.  It seems so....unfair that we've lost 4 of our babies already.  I know there's many people in the world that will argue with me but each of those embryos we implanted was a baby to me.  A piece of myself and the man that I love.  A chance.  A hope.  At this point of our infertility journey it's all I have and I cherish them all.  I hope this last one, our fighter, our tough little one is strong enough to continue to fight.  I pray that 9 months from now I can hold him or her in my arms and my tears will finally be tears of joy and gratitude.

Facing your Fears

Well today I'm heading back to my clinic for an ultrsaound.  I haven't gotten my period yet after the miscarriage and they want to check for cysts.  Honestly I can't get past the ultrasound part to even comprehend what it does mean if I have a cyst.  I'm assuming it will postpone our next cycle for the FET.  Which sucks, but like I said all I can think about is being back in that room and what happened last time I was there.  Logically I know there's many, many more ultrasounds in my future with IVF and hopefully someday another pregnancy.  So I need to face this fear and just get over it.  I just can't stop thinking about everything that happened last time I was there and all of the emotions seem to come right back.  But I'm ready to move forward and this is part of the process so I just need to suck it up and get it done. As we all know battling infertility has lots of dark moments and difficult situations so this is just another one that I'll face on our journey to a family.  I would do anything, absolutely anything, to make that happen.  So I guess I'll take a deep breath, grit my teeth, and get this over with hopefully as quickly as possible.  I'm grateful, yet again, for the fantastic staff at my clinic who will be by my side and make this painful experience a little bit easier.  D is going to come too, even though he probably shouldn't take the time off of work.  I didn't even have to say anything he just knew how difficult this would be and told me he'd be there.  I feel very lucky and blessed that I don't have to travel this road alone.

There's a small stupid part of me that was hopeful that we'd conceive naturally during this cycle.  I know that our chances of this happening are so slim but I couldn't help but hope.  You hear all of the stories about how you are the most fertile after a miscarriage.  But I'm almost positive I didn't ovulate this cycle at all and even though my period is late I feel absolutely normal.  I've had no cramps, no sort of symptoms of any kind.  I couldn't bring myself to take a test and see another negative today.  So I'm just moving forward with our appointment today and I guess we'll know soon enough what's next.

The Never Ending Week

Happy Monday!
Well I survived Vegas and even managed to have some fun catching up with old friends.  I can't express to you how happy I was to get home to D and the puppy and my own bed.  I have not been sleeping well.  Which of course, worries me.  I'm not sure if it's the anxiety and worry or what.  Actually I know that's a big part of it.  But I just keep thinking if everything was fine I should be feeling exhausted.  Last night all I could think about as I laid in bed was our ultrasound on Friday.  Today I am 6 weeks 4 days.  On Friday I will be 7 weeks 1 day.  At the ultrasound we should be able to see the heartbeat (please God) and the yoke sac and I'm not really sure what else they will be looking for.  As I was traveling home on Friday I experienced some moderate cramping in my lower belly.  I would say I had a couple spells that lasted maybe 10 min or so?  I immediately started visiting the bathroom every 15 min. to check for bleeding but there was none.  I emailed Nurse Jenny and she told me that cramping is perfectly normal and it's my uterus stretching.  Then on Saturday I had some significant lower back pain.  Dr. Google tells me this is also normal.  My boobs are still sore.  Some days they hurt REALLY bad and others it's barely noticeable (which sends me running for the Crazy Train of course).  I haven't really had any morning sickness.  I do get a wave of nauseous here or there but it seems to pass as quickly as it shows up.  I find myself coming up with reasons for all of these symptoms.  It's the progesterone, it's my anxiety making me nauseous, something is wrong which is why I'm having pain and cramps.  Basically any excuse except things could possibly be going as they should.  That is just too hard for me to believe.

I just re-read this and I sound like a complete Debby Downer.  I do also have good days where I am positive everything is fine and so grateful/happy/excited about this pregnancy.  And I'm doing my best to hold on to that positivity.  I'm so hopeful that this is going to be our chance for a take home baby.  I already love this little one so much.  I know it might sound silly but I've already begun to think of us a "we".  In my mind I think "we need to run to the store after work"  or "we're hungry".  My best friend told me the other day when I was in a fit of panic that it doesn't matter how cautious I try to be or how much I protect my feelings.  That if something goes wrong I will be devastated.  So I might as well embrace the pregnancy instead of trying to hide from it.  I'm going to try and take her advice, though I know I will still have times where the fear and worry overcome me.

The results are in....

Sorry that I've fallen off the blogosphere. (Is that a word?). The last few days have been some of the hardest of my life. My first beta was Wednesday morning. I was a nervous wreck going in. Sweet Jo took my blood and Jenny and Brian came over to study me to see if I looked pregnant. :)  Jenny told me that if I wanted to know the results she would tell me but that they basically didn't mean anything until we see what happens on Friday. I told her I didn't know what I wanted to do and id let her know. My thoughts on this was which was worse. Getting a positive today and having it drop on Friday. Or just hearing it's negative today. After a few hours of debate as I sat at my desk doing absolutely no work I decided just to let it go. I considered it another step in turning over control to God. Needlesss to say Wed and Thurs were the longest days of my life. I thought of nothing else and obsessed over every symptom and lack of symptom.  I'm not sure how I survived but somehow Friday morning came. I spent the morning in tears. Just feeling absolutely terrified that we were going to get bad news. Finally it was time to go. I thought id walk in and take one look at Jenny and know. But she was very even keel. As we walked to the blood draw area I broke down and told her that she had to tell me the results from Wed. She said that it was positive, but low. I asked how low and she said 12. My heart sank. I know enough to know that's not a good sign. I immediately got upset and Jenny immediately put a stop to my pitty party. She told me that she's had patients with lower betas than that stay pregnant and we just need to see how it looks today. She reinforced that this is exactly why they don't give out 1st betas. So I took a deep breath and she promised to call as soon as she had the results. 

Luckily our baby girl puppy dog had a Vet appointment to get all of her annual shots so that was a great distraction. I left the clinic and headed to her appointment. I just prayed so hard that God would provide a miracle. I didn't call D or my mom to tell them the results of he first beta. Instead of worrying them both I just decided to wait and see what happens. And boy am I glad I did. 

 

Jenny called on our way home from the Vet with the announcement that God had heard our prayers. My beta was at 59 and had more than doubled since Wednesday. Doctor said it was rising beautifully. Jenny asked if I wanted to schedule a third beta for next week explaining that Doctor said he didn't feel it was necessary but it was up to me. I if course said yes and we scheduled it for Tuesday morning. 

So for now I am pregnant. The last 24 hours I have hit every possible emotion. Devastation, elation, fear, panic, heartache, worry, happiness, and finally so much love for this living being that's growing (actually growing!!) inside me. After hearing the news I stopped to buy the digital test in the picture above because I just had to see it. 

I know that there is so far to go on this journey. And trust me the fear of what could happen is all to alive and present within me. But I feel like our little embryo fought so hard to hang on and make it to this point and I am going to fight for it. So we take it one step at a time. We get to Tues and hope the numbers have continued to increase. Once we get that confirmation then we'll look ahead to the six week ultrasound. Until then I am feeling unbelievably grateful and filled with hope. Thanks you all so much for the prayers and support. This blog had been a life raft to cling to throughout this storm. I ask that you please continue to pray for us and our little miracle as we navigate this very scary time of early pregnancy. 

Transfer Update

Well the clinic just called and said we are on for transfer today (Day 3). Which means we have less than 5 embryos left. Sigh. I knew statistically that the chances of all 6 making it were slim but you can't help but hope. The nurse didn't have any information on how many embryos remain or their quality. They will tell us that when we get there. So even though I'm feeling terrified and sick to my stomach I'm praying so hard that there are 4 good quality embryos still growing and dividing. I'm trying not to think about (and mourn) the 2 that we lost. I know they weren't meant to be. But they were me and D and it's still feels like a loss. 

So this is when I need to take a minute and pull it together. Give those doubts and fears to God and focus on being positive that this IS our time and WILL work for us. All we need is one and hope is never lost. 

If you have some extra prayers for our embabies please send them our way. I'll update after transfer. Thanks you for your love and support. 

F is for Follistim

Happy Monday Everyone!  This COLD Midwest Monday brings the start of my stim drugs for IVF #2.  This new cycle has included a switch from Lupron to Ganirelix,  Delestrogen IM shots every third day and last night I started estrogen suppositories.  Tonight we add in 600 units of Follistim to hopefully help my follicles start to grow. (Has anyone else ever been on this high of a dose of Follistim??)   For those of you who are familiar with Follistim you know that it's administered in a pen and that the cartridge holds 450 units.  Which means for tonight and tomorrow I'll have to stick myself twice to get the complete dose.  Yuck.  Then on Wednesday we throw in the Menopur to hopefully help the eggs growing in the follicles mature.

I'm feeling pretty peaceful about things right now.  I'm hopeful and optimistic but I don't feel as if I'm over-obsessing about the entire process.  Although I haven't been able to completely keep my "crazy" in check (I definitely used an IVF calculator to see when my due date would be if this cycle works) I am focusing on turning it all over to God.  With our first cycle we got 8 eggs, only 5 of which were mature, and only 1 that fertilized normally.  I'm REALLY hoping for some better results this time around.  I'm REALLY hoping that we have 2 good quality embryos to transfer and some to freeze.  I'm REALLY hoping that this cycle results in a viable pregnancy.  I'm REALLY hoping this is all God's will.  Only time will tell.

So here's to this week FLYING by.  I'm looking forward to Superbowl Sunday and time with my family this weekend celebrating my youngest nephews birthday.  I'm looking forward to lots of snuggle time on the couch with D and the puppy (my self proclaimed Happy Place).  And taking one day at a time.

Happy Monday friends.

"Baby" Steps

I feel like I should give an update, but there's just not much going on right now.  This morning I started a new-to-me med called Ganirelix which is just another suppression med.  This one will see me all the way through trigger to (hopefully) keep me from ovulating too soon.  I got blood drawn yesterday and all of my levels came back right where they should be.  I'm now waiting to start my period, which will hopefully happen today or tomorrow and then we are cleared to start stimming on Monday.  Tomorrow we add in the E2V/Delestrogen shots (which are intramuscular - similar to the Progesterone - ouch!).  It's my understanding this is supposed to help with my lining and aid in implantation.

As we inch closer to "pulling out the big drugs" I am finding myself getting more focused and the hope is creeping back in.  While I still find myself thinking about what our next steps are if this cycle doesn't work, I'm also thinking about what if it does.  A lot of my blogger friends have gotten BFP in the past couple of months and it's so hopeful for me.  It's also a little bit scary because we all know the statistics and it can't work for everyone.  But I'm doing my best to stay positive and I really am hopeful for a better outcome this cycle.

I know from our first IVF that once you start stim drugs everything (at least for me) seems to go in fast forward.  It's so much better for me mentally to be actually DOING something daily to help make this dream a reality even if the action is just shooting myself up with numerous drugs and hormones.  Every day and every shot brings us one day closer.  Baby steps people.....baby steps.

One of the girls I follow (who's blog I absolutely LOVE)  posted this amazing article yesterday.  As I was reading it I just kept thinking things like "YES!"  and "EXACTLY!"  It really was able to put my feelings about infertility into words - I couldn't have said it better myself.  I wanted to share for not only my friends fighting infertility but those who aren't to give a better perspective of this painful battle.

The Disgrace of Infertility

Closure

Well today was my first day back to work after a 2 week break.  I did enjoy the down time but was ready to get back in to my routine.  Even more so I'm anxiously awaiting our WTF appointment with Dr. H. tomorrow.  I'm really hoping that he can answer our questions and concerns and has a good plan to help us move forward with better results.  I did start my period and they've got me back on birth control pills and baby aspirin to prepare for the next cycle.  So now we just have to see if Dr. H is on board with us trying again right away or if there's any tests or procedures he wants done before.  I'm really hoping he will just tweak my protocol and meds to hopefully help us produce MORE eggs to give us a better chance.  Nurse Jenny did tell me that I was on a lower end protocol so there is room to be more aggressive.  And now we know how my body responds to the meds so that information can only be helpful.  I'm also curious on if he'll be able to provide any insight on our low fertilization of the eggs.  D has already wondered out loud if it was the eggs, his sperm, or a combination of the two.  My clinic does ICSI (where they literally inject the sperm into the egg) which typically yields very high fertilization.  Not the case with us.

So we've got our list of questions and hopefully this time tomorrow will have a solid plan of what our next steps are.  I've been a mess of highs and lows since the negative Beta and am looking forward to being able to focus on what's next and let go of what went wrong.

On a plus note I heard a hopeful story this past week. One of my buddies from college got married to his beautiful wife about 5 years ago.  I am facebook friends with her and she posted the most beautiful 2013 year in review video on NYE.  It told the story of their adventures and accomplishments throughout the past year and as the video was drawing to a close it stated that behind the scenes they have been fighting a very difficult battle with infertility.  It included some quotes about infertility and some pictures of her meds, and procedures.  It then stated that just when they were about to give up hope 2013 wasn't done with them.  Next up came a picture of their embryo and the ultrasound from transfer.  It went on to announce that she is 20 weeks pregnant and they are expecting their little one in the spring of 2013.  Obviously I had no idea they were struggling through this and their video touched me so deeply.  It gave me a renewed since of hope that I'm trying desperately to hold on to.  She stated in her post that if the video helped even one other person who was going through this then it was worth the vulnerability.  I'm thankful for her bravery as it was exactly what I needed at this time.

7dp3dt

It's hard to believe it's been a week since transfer.  In some ways it seems like it just happened and in others this has been the longest week of my life. As we inch closer to finding out our future I am becoming a bundle of nerves. There's obviously a huge part of me desperate to know where we stand and if our little one is continuing to grow. But there's also a part of me that just wants to continue to live in the unknown rather than suffer the devastation if this cycle isn't successful. I alternate between rushing out to buy home pregnancy tests and feeling at peace with waiting all the way until our 2nd Beta on Dec. 30th to find out. At this point in time I honestly have no idea what I'll do. 

As far as symptoms I haven't had any. I had some mild cramping on days 4-6 when implantation was supposed to be occurring but honestly it could have been completely in my head. Otherwise with all the fertility drugs out of my system and just taking the PIO shots I'm feeling better than I have in a while. 

So we continue to take it one day at a time.  

Transfer Day - PUPO (please God)

Well much to my disbelief we made it through transfer and I am PUPO (that's pregnant until proven otherwise for those non bloggers). I feel like I've been waiting forever to say that :) When we started this cycle I remember thinking how terribly far away the actual transfer was IF we even made it to that point.  I am so grateful to report that our little one hung on and we were able to transfer a 8 cell embryo on Day 3. 

As I mentioned the clinic called the morning of transfer and asked us to come in early. We quickly finished getting ready and hit the road. We were both feeling nervous but excited with D really focusing on being positive. He's so great about that. Once we got there and signed in Jenny called us right back. She put us in the exam room with the fancy u/s machine and told us that Brian, the embryologist, would be in shortly to talk about our embryo. D loves Brian (as him and Dr. H are the only men in this joint) so it was nice to have the conversation with someone we are both comfortable with. Brian came bearing the first great gift of the day- a beautiful picture of our tiny embryo

Brian explained to us that on Day 3 they want to see it divided into 8 cells, which ours was (yeah!). He also explained they use a 3 level grading system based on fragmentation. Grade 1 would be no fragmentation. Grade 2 would be some and grade three lots of fragmentation. Ours was a grade 2 but he said it only had 20% fragmentation so it was on the high side for a 2. He confirmed several times it was a good quality embryo. I asked if he could tell us why the other eggs didn't fertilize. He did not have an explanation for us but did say he was very surprised by it. I decided not to push that issue at this time and just stay focused on our little one. 

So after Brian left (and we signed more consent forms) I striped from the waist down and then my sweet nurse Jo came in to get me ready. I had to drink a liter of water to fill my bladder because that helps to push your uterus down. Jo used an external ultrasound to check and make sure my bladder was full. Then Dr H. came in and using the vaginal u/s placed the catheter that would transport our embryo into my uterus. It was so cool to be able to see everything happening. Then Brian brought in the embryo (having us verbally confirm one last time who we were). Then Dr. H told us to watch the screen and we saw the embryo come out of the catheter to the exact spot he wanted it. I was completely unprepared for how emotional the experience would be. I couldn't help myself and whispered "Hold on tight little one" as I watched it happening. Me, D, and Nurse Jo all lost it at this point. Dr H told us this would be the first of many times we issue a similar prayer :) We waited for a few min to make sure it settled and then they took the catheter back to the lab to verify it was clear and the embryo was out. Dr H. patted my knee and shook D's hand and assured us he'd see us soon.  

We then waited 30 minutes, me snuggled in a warm blanket, with all the staff stopping in to check on us. Then I was able to get up and get dressed and pee. We left with our instructions for the next 12 days - PIO shots nightly, prenatals, steroids, and estrogen/progesterone suppositories starting the following night. Our first beta is scheduled for Dec 26 and our second for the 30th thanks to the weekend.  

I spent all day yesterday on the couch only getting up to pee. D took great care of me. However he needed to go to work today so my mom is coming to stay with me. I took today and tomorrow off work just to be safe since I had the time. 

So now begins the dreaded 2ww. I woke up at 3am this morning and couldn't fall back to sleep. I just prayed so hard that our little one is continuing to grow.  I can't believe how much I already love this tiny little organism. I pray there's a way for it to know how badly we want him or her and how much we already love. 

Holding on to Hope

It's been a rough couple of days as we've suffered some disappointments.  We had our retrieval on Thursday.  My ultrasound on Tuesday showed 10 follicles so I was hopeful for 10 eggs.  We arrived at the clinic for retrieval and as usual everyone was so great.  They took me back to the exam room and I changed into my gown and Nurse Jenny came in to explain the process and take my vitals and hook up the IV.  I met with the anesthesiologist and he explained that process.  As we waited on the doctor all of the staff stopped in to talk with us and say hello.  I really think we are their favorite patients :)  Then they called D to go do his part so we said goodbye.  Jenny stayed with me until it was time to take me to the OR.  Once we got in there everything happened pretty quick.  They injected the anesthesia into my IV and Jenny got me into position.  I remember telling her that I was already feeling foggy and then that's all I remember.  The next thing I knew I was waking up.  For whatever reason I was crying and asking for D.  They brought him back right away and then we waited for a few minutes until one of the nurses came in and told us they got 8 eggs.  I was a little disappointed but it was in line with my expectations so I felt good about it.  We were then sent home to wait until they called us on Friday with the fertilization report.  I didn't feel too bad leaving the clinic but was surprised at the amount of pain I was in Thurs. and Friday.  I took it easy and just kind of laid around all day.  We finally got the call around 1:30 on Friday and the news was very hard to swallow.  Out of the 8 eggs only 5 were mature.  And out of those only 1 fertilized normally.  Only 1.  I was so hoping to be able to transfer two and even have 1 or 2 to freeze.  That means if this doesn't work we have to start all over from square one.  Which is a devastating thought after everything we've been through the last 6 months.

I had myself a good cry and then decided that I wasn't going to give up on the 1 embryo we do have left.  I spent all of Friday and Sat. in a complete panic waiting for the clinic to call and tell me that the embryo had stopped dividing and growing and we were done.  Several times on Sat. I went to call the clinic to check but I was paralyzed with fear.  I finally determined that no news was good news and just chose to live in denial.  We were tentatively scheduled for transfer at 11:30 on Sunday (today).  This morning my phone rang and it was the clinic and my heart dropped.  However they informed me that they were bumping us up to 10:45am and we are on for the transfer!  I'm almost afraid to let the hope in that this might work but I know I have to be positive and have faith in our one little embryo that we have left.  I know all it takes is one.  I asked the nurse if it was still doing okay and she said that it must be if they are moving ahead with the transfer and we'll find out more from the doctor when we get there.

So here we are.  I am a hot mess of emotions......hope, joy, fear.  I know this is out of my control and all I can do is give everything I can to this one embryo with the hope that it is THE ONE.  Please keep D and I and our little one in your prayers.