The Imposter

I started this post yesterday but since I have the results from beta #4 I'll lead with that.  It came back at 13,760 and my progesterone was 26.  My nurse who called me said the numbers looked "perfect" but I was panicked because if it continued to double it should have been higher.  But after some consulting Dr. Google I found this which provided some comfort.


"As your pregnancy develops, the hcg increase slows down significantly. Between 1,200 and 6,000 mIU/ml serum, the hCG usually takes about 72-96 hours to double, and above 6,000 mIU/ml, the hCG often takes over four or more days to double. It makes little sense to follow the hCG values above 6,000 mIU/ml as at this point the increase is normally slower and not related to how well the pregnancy is doing."

So I'm going to choose to believe my nurse that everything is progressing fine.  We scheduled an ultrasound for a week from today.  I should be 6 weeks 6 days at that point.  I'm not even going to try to go in to my feeling about walking back into the sono room.  That is for a post for another day.  Below is what I started last night......


These past few months have been filled with so many different emotions that there's no way I could tackle them all in one blog post (nor do most of you have the attention span to listen to that much rambling!).  But one of the major issues/feelings I've been struggling with lately is feeling out of place.  You see for the last couple of years my primary focus has been on our infertility.  As soon as I got my diagnosis (elevated FSH) I began researching like a crazy person.  It didn't take me long to find this amazing community and to jump head first into absorbing all of your stories and advice.  Soon there after I began my own blog and started forming some solid friendships based on these shared circumstances.  I found comfort in the fact that I wasn't facing this alone and that there were others out there that understood how I felt.  Others that had walked in my shoes and not only survived, but found a way to make their dreams come true.  In July when I found myself pregnant naturally after I got over the initial shock I thought "maybe I am one of the lucky ones".  Not that I consider 2+ years of infertility treatments and failed cycles "lucky".  But maybe this miraculous occurrence was it for us and we wouldn't have to face the stress and anxiety of another cycle (much less spend the 10's of thousands of dollars!).  When I left the devastating ultrasound where there was no heartbeat I distinctly remember thinking how stupid I was to think I could actually escape my infertility.  And although I was devastated by that loss I remember how comfortable it was to slip my cloak of infertility back on.  This is what I know, what I've become comfortable with.  I understand protocols and hormone levels and I know what our odds of success are.  So while I wasn't exactly excited to be back on the bus at least my seat was one I was familiar with.

Fast forward to two weeks ago when I got my second positive pregnancy test.  I touched on my initial post how my first reaction was one of anger.  I just could not believe this was happening AGAIN.  All the pain from the last miscarriage was still so raw.  I just sat there crying thinking I can NOT go though this again.  I won't survive it.  But of course I did.  We got the first beta and then the second and then the third.  Slowly symptoms started to appear.  My breasts got more and more sore, food became less and less appealing.  I started going to bed earlier and noticing I was increasing more tired.  Of course with each passing day and each milestone you begin to hope more and more.  

I thought several times about posting an update on my blog and one thing always stopped me.  Being infertile and getting pregnant on your own once - that's a fluke.  That happens.  We celebrate that and are here to cheer the person on and support them with our thoughts and prayers.  But getting pregnant twice in a row......  where does that leave me?  I worried that my news would be hurtful or annoying to my sisters who are still in the trenches.  I've always had this vision of once we finally had a successful transfer and made it WELL past the first trimester I would magically have the courage and strength to speak out about our situation.  I would become the advocate that I've always wanted to be for infertility.  Part of the reason that this blog is anonymous is because my husband isn't comfortable with having this very personal issue public.  But there are other reasons as well.  I'm not sure my heart can handle the response from people who aren't educated on infertility and it's treatments.  I'm not sure I can handle the well meaning advice from people who haven't walked this path.  I've also constantly struggled through every failed cycle feeling like I'm disappointing those closest to me with the failure.  Between that and carrying around their sadness I feel like I would drown.

But infertility awareness is something I've become so passionate about.  Having this community and knowing there's so many other women struggling with this has been life support for me.  And I WANT to give back.  I always thought once I had my miracle baby I would be able to do that.  If this pregnancy is viable and God willing we end up with our miracle baby does that disqualify me from the club?  I still FEEL infertile.  My test results and history prove that I am.  If I get and manage to stay pregnant naturally I"m not sure where that leaves me......
 

Understanding

Well as you've probably guessed from my radio silence my beta dropped on Tuesday.  It went from 9 to 5.2.  I went back this morning and it was down to 4.7.  I  have to go back again on Monday and hopefully it's down to zero.

I could sit here and tell you all about how I'm not going to give up, how I trust in The Lord and His plan, how I know that we will be parents one day.  But that wouldn't be an honest representation of what I'm feeling right now.  Right now, in this moment, I've lost hope.  I can't help but to question if we will EVER be parents.  That maybe it's God's will for us NOT to be parents.  My heart is broken, my spirit is crushed, and I am so very tired.  The weight of this struggle is just too much.  I feel like I am drowning in sorrow.  And there's a part of me that just wants to float to the bottom.

The hardest part of all of this for me is watching D struggle.  It literally tears me apart to see him hurting so badly.  And I can't help but feel responsible.  All I can think of is that he deserves better than this.  I hate that he has to experience this and I'd do ANYTHING to take his pain away.  But it's not something I have the power to do.  

So here we sit.  Childless.  Running out of options.  Running out of money, and definitely running out of hope.  We'll meet with Dr. H tomorrow and see what he has to say.  I know he doesn't have the answers I so desperately seek.  Yes, "normal" embryos have a 70% success rate.  So the odds were in our favor.  But 70% is not 100%.  There are other things that can go wrong and obviously it did.  Could it be my uterus?  We've never had any indication but I'll be asking about running some tests to confirm that before our next transfer for sure.  But the fact of the mater is he can't provide me with a reason or explanation of why this didn't work.  And he can't provide me with a guarantee that the next transfer will work either.  There's no peace to be found.  Honestly there won't be until I hold my baby in my arms (if that day ever comes).

I'm grateful that we still have 2 frozen blasts that tested normal.  That's about all the positivity I can come up with right now.  As I mentioned in an earlier post while I'm SO thankful for my frozen babies it doesn't stop the pain that is associated with this transfer.  It's now 6 babies that we've transferred and lost.  Six.  That seems like more pain than anyone should have to bear.  Three fresh IVF cycles, 4 transfers, and still nothing.  We won't be able to cycle again until Dec. which is the month that we did our first IVF cycle.  Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine we'd still be in this position at this point in time.  Call it being naive, but through every step of this process I kept thinking it was the last step.  This journey has changed me.  I'm scarred, damaged, broken.  And regardless of if we ever get a baby I will never be the person I was before experiencing this.  Just one more heartbreak to add to the list.

9

So Beta number one today came in at a 9.  Sigh.  Knowing we were testing at 8dp5dt I knew it would be low.  But my research indicated that somewhere between a 30-40 would have been average.  I was hoping for something closer to 50 for some reassurance.  Obviously that didn't happen.  While I am extremely grateful that hope is not lost, I am also a complete bundle of nerves.  I won't have my 2nd Beta until Tuesday thanks to the long holiday weekend so we need to see that number quadruple.  I thought about getting some FRER pregnancy tests and testing at home but even if my number doubles in 48 hours like it should, it will still be under a 25 which is where it needs to be for the test to pick it up.  Which means it would basically be Monday before I could get a positive.  But honestly I've been getting up 2 and 3 times during the night to pee, so then I start to wonder if I'd even have enough concentration in my urine to get a positive result and honestly it's just not worth it.  I think I'll just wait it out.

So we continue to pray and think positive thoughts.  I'll take care of myself as best as I can and know that I'm doing everything to help our little one.  To all of you that have been praying for us, offered supportive texts, comments, and emails, or even just took the time to read an update - thank you so much for the support.  I'm not sure if this is it for us, but I'm going to remain hopeful until the end and trust in God's plan.

Am I or Aren't I?

Oh the two week wait.  What can I say about it that hasn't been said before?  Not much.  It's a rare form of torture for all women, but those who have invested so much - money, sweat, blood, tears (did I mention money?!) into fertility treatments there's SO much riding on those few days.  My heart breaks for those women who know this is their last cycle.  I can't imagine all of the additional emotions those circumstances drum up.  I'm so very thankful to know that we have 2 frozen embryos in the bank.  However, that doesn't stop the yearning for this cycle to be successful.  It doesn't take away the ache in my heart or the emptiness in my arms. And it certainly doesn't guarantee us a take home baby of our own.

It's amazing to me that one event (IVF) can create such a conflicting, confusing mass of emotions.  Each day I'm filled equally with excitement and hope, fear and despair, worry and peace.  But really when you think about it what other event has stakes this high?  Yes, planning a wedding can be exciting and stressful.  But the outcome is known regardless of what happens during the planning.  At the end of the allotted time, ready or not, there will be a wedding.  The same could be said for a career change or even the loss of a job.  Although stressful, if persistent you WILL eventually find another job.  It might not be your dream job, or you may have to take a pay cut but I truly believe if you try hard enough you can find employment.  Infertility doesn't care how hard you "try".  You can put tens of thousands of dollars towards treatment, have the very best doctors and labs, the very best quality embryos, but there's no guarantee.  At the end of the road the outcome is unknown and uncontrollable.  We've always been taught that if you work hard enough, want something bad enough, and never give up it will happen.  But I know in my heart I couldn't want this any more, couldn't "try" any harder, and that I've done everything in my power to succeed and still - no guarantee.

Today I am 7dp5dt.  I've had some cramping, which we all know could be good or could be bad.  My boobs are bigger and sore, but that could easily be from the progesterone.  That's about all I have going on.  According to Dr. Google implantation should be complete and HCG should start to enter the blood stream.  Every time I feel the doubt or worry overwhelming me I'm trying to stop and pray.  But right now and for the next 2 days there's absolutely no way to know what's happened to our little one.  So one's left wonder Am I or Aren't I?  I am praying with everything I have that I AM.

Are you there?

This morning as I kissed my husband goodbye I told him that I loved him and if Frosty was still in there he loved him too.  This 2ww is passing - we are over the halfway mark - and I guess I'm surviving.  I haven't been in the best of moods but I don't feel like I've given up hope either.  All I really feel like is a crazy person.  On one hand I have what I think of as "hopeful" symptoms and on the other it seems the symptoms I do have could just be chalked up to the drugs and what I'm lacking is a tell tale sign that this transfer was not successful.  All of the over-thinking, analyzing, and ups and downs are enough to drive the most stable person crazy.  But I'm holding on.

I definitely had some cramping during the implantation time - but no implantation bleeding (I did notice this with my last transfer that ended in an early miscarriage).  I now have more of what I'd call a "heavy" feeling in my lower pelvic area.  I'm having some lower back pain and just yesterday I felt like I got lightheaded and/or nauseous a couple times.  However the thing that's really throwing me off is my boobs are not sore whatsoever.  Which is crazy considering the amount of progesterone I'm on, and seems like a dead giveaway to me that this did not work.  Yesterday I did feel like *maybe* my nipples were a little more sensitive but honestly all of this could just be straight up in my head.

For those of you who have been through this I know you understand what a complete mind f*ck this all is (Sorry for the language Mom).  By Beta time I am just ready to KNOW, even if the news is bad.  I can't stand the waiting and wondering any longer.  Just a few more days.  I've been thinking about testing at home just so I can be more prepared.  As of right now my plan is to test at home the morning before beta.  I mean the worse that can happen is I'm bummed out and it turns out to be positive which would be the best news ever.  Right now I"m totally in the zone where some people get positives and some get negatives only to get a positive HPT within the next couple days.  I really don't need to add to my insanity so I'm staying away from that.

So to quote my friend Amanda - Ever Onward.  One way or another we'll have some answers in a few days.  If you are in there little one I hope you can feel how much we love you, how badly we want this.  I'm praying for you every day and you are in my mind and heart.

5 weeks

Well today I am five weeks.  It seems impossible that it's only been a week since we got our positive results. It feels like so much has changed.  While our little one is basically all I can think about I'm still having trouble fully believing.  It's funny how when I see a pregnant woman my initial reaction is still a kick to the gut, a stab in the heart.  It feels.....almost wrong to talk about the pregnancy.  I feel like a fraud.  I went to the dentist this week and had to tell them that I was pregnant so we couldn't do X-rays and I felt like such a fake.  My family is so happy and excited and it's almost as if I'm afraid to talk about it too much like that will make it go away.  I AM trying to focus on the positive and I am so very grateful.  But fear is a hard thing to over come.

Today I wrote this letter because I wanted to embrace the fact that this pregnancy IS real.  That there is a growing being inside of me made of myself and D.   If you aren't in a good place right now and dont' want to read this I completely understand.  I have been there all too recently.  Please, take care of you.



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Hello my love.  Today you are officially 5 weeks old, even though we know you are probably measuring a little behind that mark since you were what they call a “late implanter”.  We first found out that you were growing inside Mommy a week ago.  How our lives have changed!  You gave us quite a scare by coming in with some low Beta numbers, but then the numbers JUMPED for Beta 2 and continued to steadily increase for Beta 3.  The doctor doesn’t think we need to take any more blood tests so now we are (impatiently) waiting for our first sonogram on March 14^th.  Two whole weeks away which feels like forever to Mommy and Daddy.  Do you know that our whole world revolves around you, even though you are basically the size of a sesame seed?!  It sounds crazy I know, but we have prayed so hard for you and we already love you so much.  It’s still a little scary to look too far ahead into the future.  We try to just take things a day at a time and I start each day by praying for your.  I pray that God blesses you and holds you in his hands.  That he makes you strong and helps you continue to grow and develop into a beautiful, healthy baby.  I pray that God gives my body the strength and support that it needs to provide a good home for you.  And I dream.  I can’t help it, but I dream about what it will feel like to finally see your sweet face and hold you in my arms.  To see the look on Daddy’s face when he gets to meet you.  I know he will be so proud and utterly amazed.  I picture you nuzzled on the couch in between us, resting against Chloe.  She will be the best big “sister” anyone could ever ask for.  But it’s a long road until that time, so today I continue to pray.  To keep you in my every thought.  Hang on in there little one.  I know you are so strong to have made it this far.  That’s your Daddy coming out in you.  We are counting the days until we can see you for ourselves on that screen.

Cautiously Optimistic

I feel like this has been my mantra for this entire cycle.  Today I had beta number 3 and it came back at 177.  Which means it didn't quite quadruple in the 4 days (it actually tripled) but my doubling time is 59 hours which falls in the "normal" range of 31-72 hours.  My doctor said that he believes we may have had 2 implant, which is why we saw the big jump between beta 1 and 2, but only one is still growing.  Which is more than fine by us.  We are so grateful for that little one that is hanging on!

I asked if we need to set up a 4th beta since it didn't quadruple but Dr. H said that wasn't necessary and we'd just go ahead and schedule the ultrasound.  He said he was comfortable with the increase and felt everything was progressing as it should be.  So we scheduled our first ultrasound for March 14th.  Which means I have to wait 2 weeks and 3 days before I get confirmation that everything is in fact going okay.  That.  Feels.  Like.  Forever.  But it is what it is.  So for now I am feeling cautiously optimistic.

At the ultrasound I'll technically be 7 weeks and 1 day, but since we seem to have a late implanter I'm not sure what that does to the timeline.  I'm assuming I'm be measuring a few days behind.  Which also makes things fuzzy on if we'll be able to see the heartbeat.  I just am praying so hard that this little one continues to grow and develop.

So while on one hand I am extremely grateful for the increase and that it falls into the "normal" range I definitely would be less worried and breathing easier if the number would have quadrupled.  Which leads me back to the title of this post.....cautiously optimistic.  

Thank you all so much for your prayers and support.  I believe that God is hearing us and is answering.  You are all helping to keep me sane through this process.  Here's to hoping these next 2 weeks go FAST.

Counting the minutes....

Well I've almost made it through one more day. I was feeling pretty good about things all weekend but started getting really nervous again last night. I go for my third beta tomorrow morning at 8:15am so I should know something by noon tomorrow. I've just been praying so hard that my numbers continue to double.  One minute I have absolute faith that everything is going to be fine and the next I am in a complete panic. I have been trying to turn over all my fears and worries to God but it's just so hard. I just know too much. There are so many things that could go wrong. I wonder if I had strong first betas if I would worry less. I doubt I would. Right know I'm just praying that I get the chance to keep worrying and that this dream doesn't end before it really even gets started. My family and friends are comforted my the fact that the beta more than doubled after the first one. And by the fact that Dr. H said it was up to me if I wanted a third beta. But I've just read too many heartbreaking stories from other IF girls who have suffered early losses. Even though this pregnancy doesvt seem 100% real to me yet the thought of losing our little miracle seems completely unbearable. I am already stupidly so attached and so in love. This tiny little being has my whole heart and there's nothing I wouldn't do for it. I know that probably sounds over dramatic but it's how I feel. And once again here I sit with no control over what happens. All I can do is pray and hope for the best and try to stay positive. So that's what I'll do....

The results are in....

Sorry that I've fallen off the blogosphere. (Is that a word?). The last few days have been some of the hardest of my life. My first beta was Wednesday morning. I was a nervous wreck going in. Sweet Jo took my blood and Jenny and Brian came over to study me to see if I looked pregnant. :)  Jenny told me that if I wanted to know the results she would tell me but that they basically didn't mean anything until we see what happens on Friday. I told her I didn't know what I wanted to do and id let her know. My thoughts on this was which was worse. Getting a positive today and having it drop on Friday. Or just hearing it's negative today. After a few hours of debate as I sat at my desk doing absolutely no work I decided just to let it go. I considered it another step in turning over control to God. Needlesss to say Wed and Thurs were the longest days of my life. I thought of nothing else and obsessed over every symptom and lack of symptom.  I'm not sure how I survived but somehow Friday morning came. I spent the morning in tears. Just feeling absolutely terrified that we were going to get bad news. Finally it was time to go. I thought id walk in and take one look at Jenny and know. But she was very even keel. As we walked to the blood draw area I broke down and told her that she had to tell me the results from Wed. She said that it was positive, but low. I asked how low and she said 12. My heart sank. I know enough to know that's not a good sign. I immediately got upset and Jenny immediately put a stop to my pitty party. She told me that she's had patients with lower betas than that stay pregnant and we just need to see how it looks today. She reinforced that this is exactly why they don't give out 1st betas. So I took a deep breath and she promised to call as soon as she had the results. 

Luckily our baby girl puppy dog had a Vet appointment to get all of her annual shots so that was a great distraction. I left the clinic and headed to her appointment. I just prayed so hard that God would provide a miracle. I didn't call D or my mom to tell them the results of he first beta. Instead of worrying them both I just decided to wait and see what happens. And boy am I glad I did. 

 

Jenny called on our way home from the Vet with the announcement that God had heard our prayers. My beta was at 59 and had more than doubled since Wednesday. Doctor said it was rising beautifully. Jenny asked if I wanted to schedule a third beta for next week explaining that Doctor said he didn't feel it was necessary but it was up to me. I if course said yes and we scheduled it for Tuesday morning. 

So for now I am pregnant. The last 24 hours I have hit every possible emotion. Devastation, elation, fear, panic, heartache, worry, happiness, and finally so much love for this living being that's growing (actually growing!!) inside me. After hearing the news I stopped to buy the digital test in the picture above because I just had to see it. 

I know that there is so far to go on this journey. And trust me the fear of what could happen is all to alive and present within me. But I feel like our little embryo fought so hard to hang on and make it to this point and I am going to fight for it. So we take it one step at a time. We get to Tues and hope the numbers have continued to increase. Once we get that confirmation then we'll look ahead to the six week ultrasound. Until then I am feeling unbelievably grateful and filled with hope. Thanks you all so much for the prayers and support. This blog had been a life raft to cling to throughout this storm. I ask that you please continue to pray for us and our little miracle as we navigate this very scary time of early pregnancy. 

To test or not to test.......

Okay, so the Crazy Train is off the rails today.  I am literally sick to my stomach with anxiety and worry over my first Beta tomorrow.  I have really started to feel like maybe I should just take a test so I can be prepared.  I think I've told you guys before that my clinic typically doesn't give results until after the 2nd Beta which for me would be on Friday.  But since me and Nurse Jenny are long lost best friends she said she would call me with the results of my first one tomorrow.  So I'm sure I'll be at work when I get that phone call.  D does not want us to test at home because the clinic told us that HPT's aren't always accurate.  So for him it's just cut and dry - we wait.  But it's completely driving me insane.

Help! Did you all test at home before your Betas?  I'm 9dp3dt today.  I think from what I've read your beta has to be 40 for a regular test to detect it and 25 for a FRT?  Is that right?

All Aboard!

Well we are 8dp3dt.  So I made it a couple days longer than last cycle before I chased down the Crazy Train and jumped on.  Yesterday I woke up and my OHSS was significantly better.  This morning I'm down 4 of the almost 7 lbs I gained.  So great news right?  WRONG.  I'm now convinced that since my symptoms have improved none of the embryos implanted and this cycle is another failure.  Technically I think I could start testing from home today and get a postivie result (if there was one to see).  So of course I'm fighting that battle as well.  I really want to wait for my Beta but then on the other hand I know I'll be getting the call at work and it's not like I really need to have another emotional breakdown in the office.  I've done such a good job of staying postive this cycle and I really was convinced it worked.  Now my feelings have completey flip flopped.  The 2ww is seriously one of the most awful forms of torture a woman can go through.

I really don't have any symptoms.  My boobs are a little sore but nothing major.  I'm still have some very mild cramping or "pulling" sensensation.  Sometimes I think I am feeling like I'm going to start my period.  Oh I did notice a teeny tiny amount of spotting on Day 5 after 3 day transfer which *should* have been when the embryos were implanting.  However if I wasn't a crazy toliet paper nazi I wouldn't have even noticed since it was so barely visable.

Really that is about all.  I have been super tired lately because I've been battling a cold but last night I stayed up until almost 10pm so I can't even say that might be a symptom.  So I guess I'll just be riding around in circles on this train until I get my beta results.  I'm still not letting myself think ahead to what happens if this cycle fails.  I'm trying desperately to hold on to some of the positivity I've been feeling up until now which is difficlut when the train is speeding down the tracks out of control.

3dp3dt and OHSS?

Well I'm three days in to the 2ww and feeling pretty miserable.  I think I have a mild case of OHSS.  I still am feeling really "full".  Just as much as I was before retrieval.  I've had some shortness of breath and abdominal pain.  I'm up almost 4 lbs.  I've been pushing the Gatorade and trying to eat salty foods (this is harder than it sounds!) per Nurse Jenny's instructions.  Obviously if this cycle works the discomfort will all be worth it.

Hopefully today my little embryos are blastocysts and tomorrow they will start attaching to my uterus!  Come on little ones!!  I am praying so hard for all three of you.

I also need to follow up with the clinic to check on the remaining embryos.  I know the chances of any of them being frozen was very slim.  But I'd like to know for certain what happened to each of the other three.

In the meantime there's not much to do but try and avoid getting aboard the Crazy Train.  Last cycle I did pretty well until about day 6.  Let's hope I can make it longer this time because that isn't good for anyone (especially my poor husband).  As of right now I have decided not to test and I'm going to follow my clinic's recommendation of not getting results until the 2nd Beta.  There's been so many of my blog friends lately that had a positive 1st Beta that then decreased by their 2nd.  I'm beginning to understand a little bit more why it's my clinic's policy to wait until the 2nd Beta to tell you the results.  My first one is scheduled for a week from today and the second is the Friday after.  We'll see if I can resist the urge to POAS.....

Three days down.........

BF(F)N

Big. Fat. (Fill in the blank) Negative. 

Sigh. 

I had my beta yesterday and even though it's against my clinics policy Nurse Jenny called to let me know it was negative. I already knew in my heart but it didn't make it any easier to get the call. I have been feeling great lately. I have more energy than I have had in months and absolutely no symptoms. I knew this cycle didn't take, but yet you can't help but to hope.  My HCG was at 1.6 at my first beta 11 days after transfer. I still have to go back on Monday for my 2nd beta. I'm hoping we can schedule our WTF appt with the doctor on Monday and get in to see him soon. 

Jenny and I talked and she mapped out the next cycle for me. Basically suppression starts on Jan 15th. So I need to have my period, meet with Dr. H and he needs to clear us to move forward all before then. I am hopeful we can make that happen. I just want (ok, need) to keep moving forward. I think as long as we can do that I will be ok. But if for whatever reason we get delayed I'm afraid I will completely lose it. 

I can not believe I'm writing about starting round 2 of IVF. I can't believe I'm here, that this is my life.  It just makes me so sad. And angry. It's just so unfair. 

That's all for today.