Butterflies

Today I am 7 weeks.  Tomorrow we have our first ultrasound.  I'm not even sure how to put into words everything I'm feeling.  Part of me is bursting with excitement and joy at the thought of seeing our little one.  Another part of me is more scared than I've ever been in my entire life.  I have constant butterflies in my stomach that started last night.  If all is well tomorrow we will be more than 1/2 way through the first trimester.  Our baby should have a steady heartbeat.  Ears, eyes, nose, arm and leg buds developing.  It seems unreal.  I'm praying that it's not. 

The Never Ending Week

Happy Monday!
Well I survived Vegas and even managed to have some fun catching up with old friends.  I can't express to you how happy I was to get home to D and the puppy and my own bed.  I have not been sleeping well.  Which of course, worries me.  I'm not sure if it's the anxiety and worry or what.  Actually I know that's a big part of it.  But I just keep thinking if everything was fine I should be feeling exhausted.  Last night all I could think about as I laid in bed was our ultrasound on Friday.  Today I am 6 weeks 4 days.  On Friday I will be 7 weeks 1 day.  At the ultrasound we should be able to see the heartbeat (please God) and the yoke sac and I'm not really sure what else they will be looking for.  As I was traveling home on Friday I experienced some moderate cramping in my lower belly.  I would say I had a couple spells that lasted maybe 10 min or so?  I immediately started visiting the bathroom every 15 min. to check for bleeding but there was none.  I emailed Nurse Jenny and she told me that cramping is perfectly normal and it's my uterus stretching.  Then on Saturday I had some significant lower back pain.  Dr. Google tells me this is also normal.  My boobs are still sore.  Some days they hurt REALLY bad and others it's barely noticeable (which sends me running for the Crazy Train of course).  I haven't really had any morning sickness.  I do get a wave of nauseous here or there but it seems to pass as quickly as it shows up.  I find myself coming up with reasons for all of these symptoms.  It's the progesterone, it's my anxiety making me nauseous, something is wrong which is why I'm having pain and cramps.  Basically any excuse except things could possibly be going as they should.  That is just too hard for me to believe.

I just re-read this and I sound like a complete Debby Downer.  I do also have good days where I am positive everything is fine and so grateful/happy/excited about this pregnancy.  And I'm doing my best to hold on to that positivity.  I'm so hopeful that this is going to be our chance for a take home baby.  I already love this little one so much.  I know it might sound silly but I've already begun to think of us a "we".  In my mind I think "we need to run to the store after work"  or "we're hungry".  My best friend told me the other day when I was in a fit of panic that it doesn't matter how cautious I try to be or how much I protect my feelings.  That if something goes wrong I will be devastated.  So I might as well embrace the pregnancy instead of trying to hide from it.  I'm going to try and take her advice, though I know I will still have times where the fear and worry overcome me.

Vegas....baby?!

So I'm in Las Vegas this week for a HUGE convention for my job. I've worked for my company for 10 years and am very blessed to have a job that I love and to actually be using my college degree (marketing). Over the years I have formed so many amazing friendships with people who live all over the country and even the world. Most of them are in Vegas this week and while it's been awesome getting to see them and catch up it's also been a challenge. 

I am six weeks along today. Obviously we haven't told anyone except our immediate families and a handful of close friends who know we were in cycle. So you can imagine the challenge of meeting up with friends you haven't seen in forever. In Vegas. Where everything is on the company. In Vegas. Where I am not drinking. 

Please don't think I am complaining. I love a beer or a good glass of wine as much as the next girl but I am THRILLED to not be able to drink. But it's also WAY to early for 1/2 my company to know that we are pregnant.  So it's been...interesting to say the least trying to keep my secret. 

I'm feeling pretty good. It's just so hard. One minute I'm positive that everything is fine and the next I'm certain something has gone wrong. I worry if I have cramps and if I don't. Some times my boobs don't hurt at all and I get panicked. Then when they do hurt bad I blame it on the progesterone. I stayed out til midnight last night and then couldn't fall asleep because I was worried I should have been more tired. I definitely feel mentally exhausted from the internal struggle. 

But this week is almost over then I just have to survive next week until our first ultrasound. I'm terrified that there won be anything to see but also SO hopeful that by some miracle I am still pregnant and everything is going fine. I am praying constantly that's the case. 

One more Vegas night and this girl is heading home to my hubby and puppy. I can't wait.  

Cautiously Optimistic

I feel like this has been my mantra for this entire cycle.  Today I had beta number 3 and it came back at 177.  Which means it didn't quite quadruple in the 4 days (it actually tripled) but my doubling time is 59 hours which falls in the "normal" range of 31-72 hours.  My doctor said that he believes we may have had 2 implant, which is why we saw the big jump between beta 1 and 2, but only one is still growing.  Which is more than fine by us.  We are so grateful for that little one that is hanging on!

I asked if we need to set up a 4th beta since it didn't quadruple but Dr. H said that wasn't necessary and we'd just go ahead and schedule the ultrasound.  He said he was comfortable with the increase and felt everything was progressing as it should be.  So we scheduled our first ultrasound for March 14th.  Which means I have to wait 2 weeks and 3 days before I get confirmation that everything is in fact going okay.  That.  Feels.  Like.  Forever.  But it is what it is.  So for now I am feeling cautiously optimistic.

At the ultrasound I'll technically be 7 weeks and 1 day, but since we seem to have a late implanter I'm not sure what that does to the timeline.  I'm assuming I'm be measuring a few days behind.  Which also makes things fuzzy on if we'll be able to see the heartbeat.  I just am praying so hard that this little one continues to grow and develop.

So while on one hand I am extremely grateful for the increase and that it falls into the "normal" range I definitely would be less worried and breathing easier if the number would have quadrupled.  Which leads me back to the title of this post.....cautiously optimistic.  

Thank you all so much for your prayers and support.  I believe that God is hearing us and is answering.  You are all helping to keep me sane through this process.  Here's to hoping these next 2 weeks go FAST.

Cycle Day 9 Ultrasound

~*~*~*~*~*~* 18 Follicles!!!! ~*~*~**~*~*~~*~

Oh my gosh I can not believe that I'm even writing this.  This morning I had my ultrasound to see how I was responding to the stim drugs and there were 18 (!) follicles!  I am in complete shock.  Me, with my rotten eggs and my "poor responder" diagnosis.  Wow.  I'll back track and tell you about the appointment.

I had told D that he didn't need to come with me today.  He's missed so much work due to all of these appointments and he'll need to be off again for retrieval and transfer.  I felt good about that decision last night but as I was driving to the clinic this morning I started to get really nervous.  I reminded myself for the 1,000th time to give all of my doubts, worries, and fear to God.  So I tried that all morning and even though I was still nervous it did help.  I just prayed and tried to keep my thoughts as positive as possible.  Finally they called me back for the ultrasound.  I confessed to Jolene my nurse that I was feeling a little nervous.  She told me that with this protocol the follicles might be slightly smaller than the last cycle and that was expected and good.  The goal is to grow more and at an even rate.  So I was glad she told me that.  Then Dr. H came in and we got down to business.  I heard him say that my lining was at a 8, which is where it needs to be so that was good news.  Then he found my right ovary and started rattling off numbers.  I had a 20mm follicle and a 17mm and then he started saying 15, 15, 13, 13, 13, and he just kept going.  There were 13 follicles on the right side.  So amazing considering I had 5 on the right side and 4 on the left last cycle.  Then we moved to the left side, which is evidently my slacker ovary.  There were only 5 follicles but they were all 13mm.  So that gave us a total of 18!  Once again I'm just in shock and so thankful and filled with hope that this cycle will be better than last time.  I know we still have a ways to go.  Not all of the follicles will  have eggs and not all of the eggs will be mature.  But I'm hopeful to have more embabies than last time if we have more eggs to start with.

So I'll go back for another ultrasound tomorrow morning and they acted like we might trigger Tuesday night for a Wednesday retrieval.  I guess we'll see where we are tomorrow.

Once again it's not in my control so I will turn it all over to God and trust in his plan.  If you have any extra prayers to give this week I'd appreciate you sending them our way!

D Day

This morning I had my first ultrasound since we started the Follistim and Menopur, which was only a week ago, but seems SO much longer.  I have been so nervous about this appointment.  The unknown about all of this is the hardest part for me to deal with.  Since this is my first cycle we had no idea how my body would respond (or IF it would respond) to the meds and I've been struggling all week over anaylising every feeling in my body.  I think I had convinced myself that it wasn't working and was all in my head even though I have been feeling pretty miserable the last few days.  Well this morning we would finally find out one way or another.  The news was overall GOOD.  I had 10 follicles, which I was a little disappointed about.  I was hoping for more, but 10 is a good number considering my elevated FSH.  The GREAT news is that the follicles were a really good size!  I had a 23mm, 2 21mm, 2 18mm, 17mm, 2 15mm and 2 12mm.  I think they want them to be at least 18mm to trigger so that's great news!  My doctor is processing my lab results to check my estrogen and progestrone levels right now.  He said depending on how those come back we could either trigger tonight or do one more night of meds and have me come back for a 2nd ultrasound tomorrow with potential trigger tomorrow night.

So I'm waiting anxiously for Nurse Jenny to call with the news.  I was so scared that the ultrasound would show that the drugs weren't working and this cycle would get cancelled.  I think I had prepared myself for the worse so I'm still a little in shock that not only are we moving forward but looking to trigger much sooner than I thought.  There's still so many unknowns - how many mature eggs we will get, how will they fertilize, will we have good enough quality embryos to transfer, any to freeze?  But at least I know now that my body does respond to the fertility meds so I'll take that win for today.  Thank you all so much for the continued prayers and support.  My heart feels a little rare with all of the emotions right now.  I can't find the words to describe how badly I want this.  For myself, and for D.  And even though our journey so far as been short compared to most, I know that I will never take the gift of being a parent for granted.  I know this struggle will make me a better parent - kinder, more patient and forgiving.  I just pray that I get the chance to put these difficult lessons to use.  One more milestone down.