The Day.

Well it's here. Transfer day. Lucky number 5. It's a gorgeous spring day here in the MidWest. You can see small signs of life creeping up everywhere. I'm hopeful that's a good omen. 

I'm pretty sure I didn't sleep a wink last night so I've had a lot of time to analyze my feelings. I think it's safe to say I'm equal parts excited and terrified. But there's also a good chunk of gratitude mixed in as well. This week I've been showered with love, prayers, and tokens from family and friends showing me how much we are loved and cared for. I'll walk into transfer today with reminders of all of the wonderful people who are rooting for us and our two little babies. I'll carry with me symbols of that love and support and will find comfort and hope. 

This morning I received a special last minute gift from a cherished friend. As I mentioned I didn't sleep at all last night so when D finally got up for work I was scrolling through blogs reading posts from your transfer days.  As always I found comfort in your words and knowing I am not alone. But something still felt "off". My friend arrived at my doorstep this morning before her work day to drop off a gift. 

 

I've been looking for a daily devotional and just haven't found one that's the right fit. Everyone's faith is so personal and unique. For me I struggle to feel a connection with "bible speak". While there is absolutely passages that speak to my heart I sometimes struggle with finding the true meaning of verses or feeling a connection. I get the most out of a service if the speaker is in front of me, and relatable. Someone who I would enjoy having a non religious conversation with.  Someone who can take the stories of the bible and place them in my life. I'm not sure I've ever expressed those thoughts to my friend but maybe she just knows me well enough to understand. 

As I was flipping through the devotional I came to a section entitled "When I'm feeling Overwhelmed". Since that seemed fitting I began flipping through the devotionals and came upon this 

This sums up exactly how I'm feeling in this moment. And I feel so much comfort and peace having this prayer. Regardless of what happens with this cycle I know that He won't leave me alone. And that even when I don't have the words He hears my prayers. He knows my heart. And He will help me face whatever comes next. 

So Transfer Day. Lucky number 5. Our last two frozen embryos. Our Hail Mary, kitchen sink cycle. Could this be it?  Could those imperfectly perfect day 5 blasts turn into the child(ren) we've been praying for. I really think it could.  

The Day that *Could* Change Everything

Well we did it!  One more transfer under our belt.  We were able to transfer our one little embryo that we have left.  Our fighter.  Our hope.  Our baby.

I was a complete nervous wreck the morning of transfer.  My appointment wasn't until the afternoon and I knew they were beginning the thaw that morning.  Every time my phone made a noise D and I almost threw up, certain it was the clinic calling to tell us that he didn't survive.  But our tough little guy came through again with no issues.  We woke up early on transfer day and went for a run together, then out to breakfast.  It was so nice to have some time together just the two of us.  We made the decision not to tell anyone the exact time of our transfer so we could pass along information when we were ready on our own terms (in case of bad news).  An hour before our appointment I started drinking my water and then we headed to the clinic.  We were the last appointment of the day and as soon as I got there they gave me some Valium to help with the anxiety (thank you Jesus) and I immediately asked how our little guy was doing.  They assured me that the thaw went fine and Dr. H. would be in to talk to us before transfer.  I got undressed and laid on the table with D sitting next to me.  Of course my amazing staff was in and out prepping me and getting us ready all the while easing our anxiety and showering us with love and positivity.  It was a special day at my clinic as the head of the center who is based in a different state was in town and there for my transfer.  I was a little nervous about having a new player in the mix but figured another set of eyes and expert opinion couldn't hurt.  Finally Dr. H. came in with the above picture of our little guy and explained to us that on Day 5 they want to see the cells evenly sized with a mass in the middle and they want it to be clear when they look at it through the microscope.  He said that Frosty had all of those characteristics which was good news.  He patted my knee in his fatherly way and said he'd be back shortly to begin.  D and I sat together studying the picture of the life we created (well with a whole lot of help).  A piece of him and a piece of me.  Tears stung my eyes as I prayed over the picture of our sweet little embaby and my heart filled with hope.  My nurses came in and checked my bladder to make sure it was full enough and we were good to go.  Before I knew it the room was full of people bustling around.  Jo my faithful, kind nurse was there holding the ultrasound wand on my stomach to that Dr. H could see my uterus.  She squeezed my hand and offered a reassuring smile.  Nurse Jenny - my life line, was behind Dr. H. to assist if he needed anything.  Dr. H walked in with the head doctor who introduced himself to us and shook D's hand telling us how excited he was to be present today.  As Dr. H. assumed the position they talked us through everything.  We saw the catheter come onto the ultrasound screen and heard the Embryologist in the lab open the connecting window and asked us to confirm our names and that we were transferring one Day 5 blastocyst.  D and I answered yes together and then Frosty was there in the room. Once I saw her pass the embryo through the window I immediately relaxed.  We were reunited, together again.  And regardless of if this transfer is successful the life that we had all worked so hard to create was about to be placed where it belonged - inside me.  Dr. H. walked us through the steps telling us to watch the screen.  We saw the embryo come up through the catheter and then the magical moment where they released it into my uterus.  While I wasn't as emotional as my first transfer, and not as overwhelmed as I was in my second I simply felt at peace.  This is what I had been waiting for.  Finally he was home.

The catheter was checked in the lab under the microscope to confirm that the embryo was released and they snapped this beautiful picture on the u/s machine.

The rest of the appointment was pretty uneventful.  I laid on the table for 30 min. trying not to pee everywhere and then we headed home.   I slept most of the rest of the afternoon and basically was on bed rest the next day as well.  We watched lots of Netflix and movies and just relaxed.

So...now the dreaded 2ww.  Is there anything more hard?  I hate how helpless I feel during this week.  I take my meds and do my shots and pray that this is it.  I wish there was more I could do for this child of ours that I love with all my heart.

I got to thinking on Father's Day yesterday, which was another hard day for us, that this is the 5th embryo we've transferred.  It seems so....unfair that we've lost 4 of our babies already.  I know there's many people in the world that will argue with me but each of those embryos we implanted was a baby to me.  A piece of myself and the man that I love.  A chance.  A hope.  At this point of our infertility journey it's all I have and I cherish them all.  I hope this last one, our fighter, our tough little one is strong enough to continue to fight.  I pray that 9 months from now I can hold him or her in my arms and my tears will finally be tears of joy and gratitude.

Frosty

It feels funny to even write about being in cycle.  I'm not really sure why but so far this FET cycle has been pretty low key.  I've been on Lupron for suppression for 2 weeks now.  The shots are annoying (the tummy bruising more so) but I don't have too many side effects from them.  I've been taking my dexamethasone and prenatal vitamins as well.  I did my first IM delestrogen shot on Tues. night.  We are progressing slowly but surely.  

On Monday I go in for an endometrial scratch?  Has anyone had this done before?  It's supposed to help with implantation so I'm all for it if it works but it sounds painful.  But at this point really I'll do anything.  While I'm definitely hopeful that this cycle works I'm also trying to stay very level headed about it.  Our 1 little embryo, "Frosty", is all we have left for this try.  Honestly I don't even know any details about his grade or rating.  I know he made it to blast on day 5 and was frozen.  I am hoping and praying that he survives the thaw so we actually have something to transfer.  There's a part of me that thinks that he's made it this far maybe he really is the one.  We've never transferred a five day blast, only day 3 embryos.  But another part of me knows we transferred three last time and still have no baby, so it's hard to feel super hopeful for one. 

I'm not sure if my low key attitude is a good thing or no.  But I'm sure it's a good thing that I'm not super stressed and over-thinking everything.  So I'm going to try and remain positive and put my faith and trust in God and his plan for us.  I pray that his plan is for Frosty to be our take home baby. 

In other news we are enjoying summer and our time on our boat on the lake.  The three day weekend was great, with the exception of getting caught in some rain storms on Monday afternoon.  It's felt wonderful to get outside and run again and I'm finally back to my "normal" mile times.  I feel like my body is in a healthy place as I've finally lost the weight I put on with my first 2 IVF cycles.  So overall I'm feeling pretty good!  Now if I can just get pregnant and STAY pregnant life would be pretty perfect (don't we all feel that!).

Here's some pictures of our weekend on the lake!  Our dog Chloe thinks she's the captain of the boat :)