Looking Back

This month has been a time of reflection for me.  For the first time on this journey I've allowed myself to look at where we started, how far we've come, and of course how far we have to go.  2 1/2 years, 31 months, 961 days.  It's a small period of time in the grand scheme of life.  But for us this time has passed with pain, heartbreak, and small pockets of hope that were snuffed out so quickly.  Each passing month, let's be honest each passing day, is one day too long that we've been in this fight to grow our family.  It feels like so much longer than 2 1/2 years.  However when I look back at this time in our life this is what I see:

3 fresh IVF retrievals
5 transfers of 8 embryos
1 natural pregnancy
1 chemical pregnancy
2 miscarriages
Countless blood draws, tests, procedures, ultrasounds,injections, and drugs
Hours of worry
An ocean of tears
Endless waiting

I wouldn't wish this heartbreak and pain on anyone.  But, as it usually goes with life, there is also a silver lining.  Although when I measure these past 2 1/2 years I do it in treatments, cycles, and disappointments when I look at the above list I see something else.

Unconditional love
Strength beyond comprehension
Endurance that can't be measured
Hope that refuses to be extinguished
Persistence
Fight
Support
Encouragement

Although this rocky road was NOT in our plan when we said I Do, today I look at my husband in a whole new light.  This man has stood by me when it would have been so much easier to walk away.  He has seen me at my worst, dragged me out of dark hole after dark hole.  He's held me when I cried, made me laugh through my tears.  Our love, our marriage, is so strong. And for that I am grateful.

They say you don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only choice.  And that is exactly right.  It takes strength to endure the disappointments and get up every day to continue to face them.  It takes endurance to start yet another cycle of pills, injections, uncontrollable hormones, and so much unknown. To hope when all the odds are against you, when others are telling you to give up.  To have the kind of persistence to try again.  To continue to fight this battle when your body and soul are broken and so very tired.  Some may call me stupid but I am proud of these characteristics that have come to define us.

Finally when I look back at what we've been through on this journey I see support and encouragement.  No, not everyone understands what we are going through or why we continue on.  And they don't need to, it's not for them.  But others, our families, our closest friends, and this amazing community continue to offer support and encouragement.  They are the light for us in this dark tunnel.  It's what allows us to continue on.  For that I am so very thankful.  

I find myself looking to all of you again for your support and prayers.  This month I find myself pregnant, again, naturally.  As we prepped the second time for our first cycle at CCRM this time I took a pregnancy test before starting injections after what happened last time.  And it was positive.  To say I was shocked doesn't even begin to describe my feelings.  In this space where I can be transparent I'll tell you our first reaction was anger.  We had managed to get through the hell that was the last miscarriage.  I was physically recovered and we were mentally ready to start our journey at CCRM.  We knew they are were our best chance.  And now not only was this another delay but most likely more of the gut wrenching heartache and disappointment.

Now that we've had a couple of weeks to absorb the news our anger and confusion has morphed slowly into hope.  While realistically I know that we have a high risk of miscarriage there's still something inside of me saying this could be IT.  I pray throughout the day and at night when sleep eludes me that I'll get to meet this life that God has blessed me with.  For regardless of what happens with this pregnancy I am blessed to carry this life for the short term or the long.  I tested two days before my expected period and when I got the positive immediately called my OB.  I went in for a blood test and my beta was at 66.  Two days later (the day my period was expected to arrive) our beta had more than doubled and was at 166.  A week later we were over 3600.  With each passing day and each milestone I find more hope in my heart.  The fear is still there and will overtake me at a moments notice if I let it.  But I am strong,  I have endurance,  I will persist.  I will fight.  And I will hope with everything in me that this is it for us.

Your thoughts and prayers are greatly appreciated during this time.  We'll have a fourth beta this week and if all is progressing as it should our fist ultrasound will be next week.