The Day that *Could* Change Everything

Well we did it!  One more transfer under our belt.  We were able to transfer our one little embryo that we have left.  Our fighter.  Our hope.  Our baby.

I was a complete nervous wreck the morning of transfer.  My appointment wasn't until the afternoon and I knew they were beginning the thaw that morning.  Every time my phone made a noise D and I almost threw up, certain it was the clinic calling to tell us that he didn't survive.  But our tough little guy came through again with no issues.  We woke up early on transfer day and went for a run together, then out to breakfast.  It was so nice to have some time together just the two of us.  We made the decision not to tell anyone the exact time of our transfer so we could pass along information when we were ready on our own terms (in case of bad news).  An hour before our appointment I started drinking my water and then we headed to the clinic.  We were the last appointment of the day and as soon as I got there they gave me some Valium to help with the anxiety (thank you Jesus) and I immediately asked how our little guy was doing.  They assured me that the thaw went fine and Dr. H. would be in to talk to us before transfer.  I got undressed and laid on the table with D sitting next to me.  Of course my amazing staff was in and out prepping me and getting us ready all the while easing our anxiety and showering us with love and positivity.  It was a special day at my clinic as the head of the center who is based in a different state was in town and there for my transfer.  I was a little nervous about having a new player in the mix but figured another set of eyes and expert opinion couldn't hurt.  Finally Dr. H. came in with the above picture of our little guy and explained to us that on Day 5 they want to see the cells evenly sized with a mass in the middle and they want it to be clear when they look at it through the microscope.  He said that Frosty had all of those characteristics which was good news.  He patted my knee in his fatherly way and said he'd be back shortly to begin.  D and I sat together studying the picture of the life we created (well with a whole lot of help).  A piece of him and a piece of me.  Tears stung my eyes as I prayed over the picture of our sweet little embaby and my heart filled with hope.  My nurses came in and checked my bladder to make sure it was full enough and we were good to go.  Before I knew it the room was full of people bustling around.  Jo my faithful, kind nurse was there holding the ultrasound wand on my stomach to that Dr. H could see my uterus.  She squeezed my hand and offered a reassuring smile.  Nurse Jenny - my life line, was behind Dr. H. to assist if he needed anything.  Dr. H walked in with the head doctor who introduced himself to us and shook D's hand telling us how excited he was to be present today.  As Dr. H. assumed the position they talked us through everything.  We saw the catheter come onto the ultrasound screen and heard the Embryologist in the lab open the connecting window and asked us to confirm our names and that we were transferring one Day 5 blastocyst.  D and I answered yes together and then Frosty was there in the room. Once I saw her pass the embryo through the window I immediately relaxed.  We were reunited, together again.  And regardless of if this transfer is successful the life that we had all worked so hard to create was about to be placed where it belonged - inside me.  Dr. H. walked us through the steps telling us to watch the screen.  We saw the embryo come up through the catheter and then the magical moment where they released it into my uterus.  While I wasn't as emotional as my first transfer, and not as overwhelmed as I was in my second I simply felt at peace.  This is what I had been waiting for.  Finally he was home.

The catheter was checked in the lab under the microscope to confirm that the embryo was released and they snapped this beautiful picture on the u/s machine.

The rest of the appointment was pretty uneventful.  I laid on the table for 30 min. trying not to pee everywhere and then we headed home.   I slept most of the rest of the afternoon and basically was on bed rest the next day as well.  We watched lots of Netflix and movies and just relaxed.

So...now the dreaded 2ww.  Is there anything more hard?  I hate how helpless I feel during this week.  I take my meds and do my shots and pray that this is it.  I wish there was more I could do for this child of ours that I love with all my heart.

I got to thinking on Father's Day yesterday, which was another hard day for us, that this is the 5th embryo we've transferred.  It seems so....unfair that we've lost 4 of our babies already.  I know there's many people in the world that will argue with me but each of those embryos we implanted was a baby to me.  A piece of myself and the man that I love.  A chance.  A hope.  At this point of our infertility journey it's all I have and I cherish them all.  I hope this last one, our fighter, our tough little one is strong enough to continue to fight.  I pray that 9 months from now I can hold him or her in my arms and my tears will finally be tears of joy and gratitude.