The morning after

I thought I'd wake up feeling better this morning. It's not everyday that you can save you survived your worst day, your hardest experience. It's a new morning, a fresh start. But yet I still feel the same. Heartbroken, disappointed, angry, confused, and scared. Part of me just can not believe this is happening and part of me feels like of course it is. Why did I think this time would be any different?  It's harder and harder to ignore that maybe this just isn't meant to be. All I've ever wanted since I was a little girl was to be a mom. And as my life unfolded NOT according to my careful plans I worried about not being able to have kids before I even knew there was a problem. It was always my biggest fear because it's the one thing I wanted most. And yes I understand you don't always get what you want but I know, deep down inside I KNOW, this is something I will be good at. No that's not true. I'm good at a lot of things - my job, sports, being a good friend. I know that I would be a great mom. It would be the best thing I ever did. But it just doesn't seem like it's in the cards for us. I'm not sure just how much more heartache we can take. And yet how do you let go of your life's dream. I know I have friends who are thinking enough is enough. Maybe they are right. Maybe it's time to just admit it's not meant to be. To find a new dream. Once again my plans are not working out.  And even though I can not begin to even fathom a life without children maybe God is telling me it's time to start. I can't possibly understand the reasons for all that we've been through. If infertility was God's way to prepare me to be the very best parent, one that will never take one moment for granted, mission accomplished God. That mission was accomplished years ago. But here we sit still in the same place. Our life still on hold, our future unknown and the looming disappointment and heartbreak weighs so heavy on me I feel like i will drown. If this is some sort of test I've obviously failed. It seems failing is all I'm capable of lately. And I'm so very tired of it. Tired of it all. 

I Will Always Wonder

Today is National Infant and Pregnancy Loss Day.  As I sit here with tears streaming down my face trying to decide what to write I am overwhelmed.  Today I honor and mourn so much loss.  All of the embryos from my 3 IVF cycles.  The 5 embryos that we transferred that didn't implant.  The 1 that tried so hard, but couldn't make it.  And finally the 1 that I carried for 7 short weeks.  My due date for that sweet baby is just 15 days away.  How fitting that it fall in the month of October when we participant in not only this day, but Pregnancy, Infant, and Child Loss Awareness Month.  

It's hard not to wonder about all of the babies I have lost, especially the one I carried the longest.  For those short weeks I spoke to that child endlessly.  I hoped, and planned, and celebrated and worried.  And I dreamed.  Oh how I dreamed of holding that child.  Touching his sweet face, or her perfect lips.  Seeing my husband hold him or her in his arms and finally see the hurt disappear from his eyes.  But for us and so many other couples our dream, our miracle, ended in heart break.  1 in 4 couples experience miscarriage or the loss of an infant or child.  No, we are not alone.  

In honor of all of our lost babies I encourage you to light a candle tonight between 7 and 8 and participate in the worldwide Wave of Light.  

Endurance

The crooked path that infertility leads us down is filled of highs and lows. Today is a low one for me. I knew Mothers Day wouldn't be easy. I did what I could to prepare myself and protect my fragile heart. But here I sit drowning in a pool of endless tears I don't know how to turn off. I wanted to be strong today, to be selfless. To focus on my amazing mother who is always there for me. To shower my dear friends and family who are mothers with love to make them feel special. But when it comes down to it I'm just not strong enough today. I know that infertility is a marathon. And I feel like I've currently hit the wall. And today is just one of those days where I can't find my hope, my faith, or my positivity. I should be 15 weeks pregnant today but instead I'm mourning the loss of our precious little one who didn't make it. I can't stop myself from wondering how I would be feeling today if he or she had made it and the wonder of motherhood was a real possibility ahead of me. Instead I can't help but sit here and wonder if it will ever happen for us. 

Overall I do feel like this struggle has made me stronger but today my endurance is fading. I do find comfort knowing I'm not alone. That there's others who have walked in my shoes, many that still are. We are not alone. I hope that brings comfort to others as well. Tomorrow is a new day. 

Transfer Update

Well the clinic just called and said we are on for transfer today (Day 3). Which means we have less than 5 embryos left. Sigh. I knew statistically that the chances of all 6 making it were slim but you can't help but hope. The nurse didn't have any information on how many embryos remain or their quality. They will tell us that when we get there. So even though I'm feeling terrified and sick to my stomach I'm praying so hard that there are 4 good quality embryos still growing and dividing. I'm trying not to think about (and mourn) the 2 that we lost. I know they weren't meant to be. But they were me and D and it's still feels like a loss. 

So this is when I need to take a minute and pull it together. Give those doubts and fears to God and focus on being positive that this IS our time and WILL work for us. All we need is one and hope is never lost. 

If you have some extra prayers for our embabies please send them our way. I'll update after transfer. Thanks you for your love and support.