Days go By

Most of you who know me know that I am a planner by nature.  Nothing makes me happier than lists, plans, time lines, deadlines, etc.  I find comfort in mapping things out and joy in checking boxes.  Planning for my babies is something I've dreamed of my entire life.  But after experiencing infertility and loss(es) there's so many fears that come with moving forward and planning for the arrival of your babies.  

I have made progress.  At 18 weeks we have furniture(!) and I've started my registry.  With the help and support (and okay push) from my family and friends I've set shower dates.  Invites are currently being ordered.  And while it's so exciting and so much fun to make these plans there's still the voice in the back of my head that I can't ignore. 

 "There's a 30 day return policy for the furniture....what if?"  or "They can send out a mass text to cancel the shower if......"  and lately "Worse case we can just pull that door shut so we don't have to look in that room until I'm strong enough to deal with it".

If.  The fear, That worry.  It doesn't fade.  The voice doesn't get quieter with each passing week.  But I will say my excitement does increase.  With each day that goes by this dream becomes a little more of a reality.  18 weeks you guys.  Six short (please God) weeks until we reach viability. Can this really happen?  Is it possible that we may actually hold these miracles in our arms?  Slowly I'm beginning to believe that it just might really happen.

It's funny how you look to the future and think you'll feel better with each milestone.  I thought after receiving the harmony results I'd feel so much better.  And I did....a little.  Last week at our 17 week appointment at MFM they went ahead and did the full anatomy scan.  Everything looked great - no markers, no cause for concern.  Their size and fluid levels were equal which is critical when looking for early signs of Twin to Twin Transfusion.  Nothing but good news from that appointment.  I should have been ecstatic.  And I was.  But still....

I've been waiting until I could feel movement thinking that would help me keep my sanity between sono appointments.  And it has.  But now I worry that they aren't moving enough.  And of course it's hard to confirm that the movement is both babies and not just one (they are literally on top of each other in there!).  So I would say the movement definitely brings reassurance.  But.  

I hope this isn't coming off as me complaining or being ungrateful.  Believe me I'm well aware of just how fortunate we are to be in this situation of worry and fear.  I'll take this over the stress and worry associated with infertility any day.  I thank God multiple times a day for blessing us with these miracles and for helping us get this far.  And there IS joy.  At times it completely overwhelms me.  It brings me to tears at least once a day.  There's moments when I feel my heart will absolutely burst from the happiness.  Yes, there is joy my friends.  Days go by and they are consumed with so many different emotions.  But in the end the greatest is joy.  

THE Year

Happy New Year friends!  I hope that everyone survived and possibly even enjoyed the holidays.  I know despite the fact of having so much to celebrate this year I'm a little relieved they are over!  I already wrote a reflection of my Different Kind of Christmas this year.  And while it was wonderful it was also.....weird.  To be in such a different place after I've gotten so used to where I was felt redeeming and a little unsettling all at once.  I think through this whole pregnancy I've just been waiting for the ball to drop.  I've thought more times than I can count that things were just going TOO well.  There's days I am deliriously happy and other days where the fear is almost paralyzing.  So my thoughts on the end of 2015 and the beginning of 2016 aren't as cut and dried as you would think.

Obviously ending 2015 15 weeks pregnant was a dream come true.  I still cannot believe we've made it this far.  I can't believe I've sat through ultrasounds where I watched my TWINS moving and squirming inside my body.  After all the failure and heartbreak it's still all a little unbelievable to me.  However even though 2015 was the year that brought us these miracles, overall it wasn't the best year ever.  We started with our final failed transfer at our local clinic.  We transferred our two (according to them) genetically normal embryos and the results were a giant Big Fat Negative.  We had already had our phone consult with Dr. Schoolcraft from CCRM and were planning on starting our journey with them if this transfer failed.  But I know there was a big part of me that didn't think it would come to that.  So while I was devastated by that failure I was still comforted that we had a new plan in place.  However the hardest part of that failure was watching what it did to D.  He had always been so positive and so hopeful through all of our cycles.  This failure was truly the one that broke him.  He clearly had just been humoring me with our plans to go to CCRM and never dreamed it would become a reality.  I watched him go through all of the stages of grief after that failure knowing that there was nothing I could do to make it better.  His anger and sadness was so out of character and frankly scared me to death.  There were nights I wondered if he'd ever "go back" to his old self.  And I carried so much guilt and responsibility for the state he was in.  There were times I felt as if that alone would crush me.

With some time Derek was able to deal with his grief and to wrap his mind around Colorado.  I remember sitting on the plane heading to Colorado for our One Day Work Up. He just seemed angry and bitter that he was even on the plane.  But a great first experience at CCRM did wonders to his perspective.  We both left with a renewed sense of hope that this was the answer for us.

You all know the story.  Our prep for the first CCRM cycle was interrupted by a spontaneous pregnancy.  I'll never forget the shock that I felt when the monitoring doctor told me that they had found a gestational sac during what I thought was my suppression ultrasound.  How could we not have thought that was a our miracle and our redemption?  The timing and circumstances just seemed so perfect.  The feeling of sitting in that first sono and actually having something to see for the first time after all the failures is indescribable.  And seeing and hearing the little heartbeat - I thought my own heart would burst with joy.  Then to have it all come crashing down.  I've sat through a sono before that should have showed a 7 week baby, but there was nothing to see.  It was the worst experience of my life up until this point.  Sitting at that 9 week sono and having the tech go from the wand on my belly to internal.  Searching, searching for a heartbeat that wasn't there any longer, only to call in my sweet OB to confirm.  She held my hand and cried with us as she looked at the silent screen.  This was not our time.  No matter how perfect the circumstances seemed.  The next couple of weeks are a complete blur.  I wrote about the actual miscarriage and don't have the strength even today to get in to how terrible it was again.  I don't know how I survived the pain.  I woke up each morning wishing, praying that it was all just over.  But somehow we were able to drag ourselves out of the hole and resume life.  Looking back it's probably a good thing that it took so long for my HCG to come down.  It gave us the time we really needed to deal with what had happened rather than just shoving it aside and rushing into the next cycle (my typical go-to plan).  It's one of those experiences in your life that define you.  There's the before and the after.  And I can honestly say that I will be forever changed by that heartache and grief.

So no 2015 was not the best year ever.  Although it ended in the absolute best way I could have ever dreamed of.  Looking ahead to 2016 it scares me to think that this *should* be THE year.  The year we bring our sweet babies home.  The year our family is finally, finally complete.  The year I become a mother and make the love of my life's dreams come true.  This *should* be our year.  But there's still so far to go, so many obstacles to overcome.  I know as well as anyone just how precious life is and how quickly it can be taken away and your circumstances can change.  And because I know that I cherish every second of this pregnancy.  I know I talk a lot about my worries and fears and believe me they have not diminished as we navigate our 2nd trimester and wrap up our 4th month of pregnancy.  But I am enjoying this pregnancy as much as I"m capable of after what I've experienced.  I wake up every day grateful for more one day of being these babies mommy.   I pray every day that they continue to grow and develop into healthy babies that we will one day hold in our arms.  I thank God for our miracles.  And I let myself believe that this will be THE year.

Scary Morning

It's been quite a morning here.  Yesterday I called and talked to my nurse and they scheduled me for a sono at 8:30 this morning.  Well my alarm went off at 6am and I got up to pee which includes a normal 5 min inspection of the toilet paper.  However as soon as I whipped I saw blood.  I screamed loud enough that D jumped out of bed and came flying into the bathroom.  I immediately started bawling.  Thank goodness he kept his head.  He led me back to bed and just told me to lay down.  My parents were coming to the sono with me today since D is a teacher and can't be missing school once a week.  He quickly threw some clothes on and said he would run to school and get everything squared away for a sub and then come back to get me to take me to the doctors appointment.  While he was gone I just layed there praying so hard.  I called my parents and they said they would still meet us at the appointment to be there for moral support.  D was back so quick and we hit the road.  We got to the appointment 15 minutes early only to find out the sono tech wasn't going to be there until 9.  So we had a 45 min. wait.  I'm so thankful my parents were there to distract and support us otherwise I'm sure I would have just sat there and cried the entire time.  I went back to go to the bathroom and talked to a couple of the nurses.  They were very positive and said there's a lot of different reasons for bleeding outside of miscarriage and we just needed to wait and see.

Finally we got called back by the sono tech.  It was the same sweet woman we had at our last bad sono when we didn't see a heartbeat.  I actually felt kind of bad for her through my own worry and sadness.  She got us started pretty quickly but did not turn on the big flat screen that we watch.  She just had her little computer screen on.  She quickly assured us that she saw one heartbeat and then another.  Huge sigh of relief.  Then she turned the big screen on and I could tell right away that they had grown.  She did some quick measurements and they came in at 8 weeks 4 days and 8 weeks 5 days (I am 8w5d today!).  We then listened to each little heartbeat individually.  They were both measuring 174bpm!  That was great news as last week Baby A that had originally measured behind had caught up in size but it's heart rate was at 148 which was on the lowest end of average for that time.  So good news all the way around.

She also thought she could very faintly see the membrane separating their amniotic sacs!  This is something I have been praying so hard for since the risk with MoMo twins are so high.  Another huge relief.

After a little more inspection she pointed out two different areas of my uterus where she could see some tissue coming loose.  It was kind of confusing but I took it as it's sort of break through bleeding from when you should be having your period.  One of the areas was very close to my cervix so it was what was most likely causing the bleeding I had today.  There was another area near the top of my uterus that she said could cause more bleeding at a later time.  Obviously this all still worries me but I feel better knowing that it could happen again and there's a non-threatening reason for it.  She said it was fairly common in early pregnancy.

So overall good news today and a huge relief.  I'm not going to lie there's a part of me that is so scared that everything was fine today but it's the beginning of the end.  Even after all of the reassurance today it's still very nerve wracking.  But the good news is we kept our appointment for next Wed so we only have a week to wait until we get another update.  That will be 10 weeks which I feel like is a big milestone!.  Knowing they are both growing so well and have strong heartbeats does do a lot to calm my crazy though.

We ask for your continued prayers through this scary time!  It means so much.

Shock

I don't even know how to start this post.  Yesterday was definitely one of the most stressful days of my life.  I was sick to my stomach all day with worry about the pending ultrasound.  The day took forever and I couldn't concentrate on anything else.  Work was a complete disaster.  Finally it was time for me to leave and head to the appointment.  D was waiting for me in the parking lot.  When we got there I had to pee of course so I went back to use the restroom and saw my doctor when I was walking out.  She took one look at me and dropped everything and came over to give me a hug.  She just told me to take a couple deep breaths and they'd get me back there as soon as possible.  I returned to the waiting room and we sat there for what felt like forever.  Finally they called us back and it was a new sono tech that I hadn't met or dealt with before.  She asked how far along I was and I immediately just started spilling our whole story to her.  Like I needed to prepare HER in case it was bad news.  She left so I could get undressed and I was literally shaking all over.  When she finally came back and we got started as soon as she put the wand in I was searching the screen for the sac, which I saw right away and I could see a small white blob in it.  As she was zooming in she said "Oh I see a little heartbeat".  I immediately got tears in my eyes and said "You do??"  She confirmed and then I will never forget what happened next..........

She said "And there's the other one....I thought I saw two".

Silence.  Confusion.  Finally I was like "Are you serious?"  And she said "Yep, here's the first baby and there's the second.  I see heartbeats for both but we will measure and listen to them separately".  At some point I said my husband's name in a panicked tone and I remember him saying "It's okay, it's okay".  I'm not sure either of us said much after that.  I'm pretty sure we're still in shock.  I just cannot believe it.  Twins.  Naturally.  Wow.

Yesterday I was 6 weeks 6 days.  Baby A was measuring 6 weeks 2 days with a heartbeat of 115 (they said they just wanted to see it over 100 at this point).  Baby B was measuring 6 weeks 5 days with a heartbeat of 128.  Obviously I'm a little concerned about baby A measuring behind but no one else seemed to be at all.  I am just praying so hard that he or she continues to grow grow grow this week.

I feel greedy but I want them both.  So So badly.  Being 35 and with our history I had basically come to peace with it being a miracle if we got one baby.  I had let go of my dreams of having more than one child and pushed aside my sadness of that child not having a sibling.  But once I saw those little heartbeats I was done.  It feels selfish and greedy and like I'm asking for SO much but I want them both in my arms in approx. 30 weeks.

Here in my "safe" spot I'll be completely honest and vulnerable that the thought did cross my  mind that with two maybe, just maybe one of them will actually make it.  It feels completely unrealistic to me to think that both of these beautiful tiny little specks of life will make it.  But once again, I want them both so much.  I am praying with everything in me that next week at our second sono they BOTH have strong heartbeats and good growth.  Obviously this all just seems too good to be true but I can't help but to hope and wonder......is this my redemption story?

The Day Before

We've made it to the day before our first ultrasound.  We originally were hoping to get in for the sono on Monday but with D's work schedule we really needed an afternoon appointment so they scheduled it for tomorrow afternoon.  I *should* be 6 weeks and 6 days.  To say I'm nervous or anxious is a huge understatement.  I'm basically sick to my stomach when I even think about sitting in the waiting room much less walking into the sono room.  I alternate several times an hour between thinking everything is fine and that it's doomed.  Here's what I've been telling myself for reassurance.

1.  I've had no bleeding AND my progesterone levels have been good so I'm not taking any shots or suppositories that could essentially be keeping me from bleeding if something is wrong.  

2.  I've had no major cramping or pain.  I have had twinges but I would call them mild and they only last for a minute.  I did have some back pain this weekend but it wasn't severe and could have been from me laying around and doing literally NOTHING all weekend.

3.  My boobs still hurt.  Once again no progesterone supplements that I can blame this on.  They are definitely bigger and still hurt consistently. Although some times during the day much worse than others.  

4.  I'm more tired this time than I"ve ever been.  I've heard a lot of pregnant women talk about how they are so tired they just completely Can.  Not.  Function.   While it definitely hasn't been that extreme for me I have been more tired than usual.  

That's all I got.  Really no nausea or morning sickness.  No food aversions although sometimes nothing at all sounds good to eat.  

So that would lead me to reasons I would believe things aren't okay

1.  It's me.

That's all I've got.  My past and history are the red flags and really the only signal to me that everything isn't okay.  But it's a pretty big one.  I have definitely been trying to stay positive and hopeful and I think I've been doing a good job.  While also recognizing how scared I am and trying to be realistic.  While the thought of the sono is absolutely terrifying at least we'll have some more information one way or another.  So between now and then all of your prayers are greatly appreciated.  

Looking Back

This month has been a time of reflection for me.  For the first time on this journey I've allowed myself to look at where we started, how far we've come, and of course how far we have to go.  2 1/2 years, 31 months, 961 days.  It's a small period of time in the grand scheme of life.  But for us this time has passed with pain, heartbreak, and small pockets of hope that were snuffed out so quickly.  Each passing month, let's be honest each passing day, is one day too long that we've been in this fight to grow our family.  It feels like so much longer than 2 1/2 years.  However when I look back at this time in our life this is what I see:

3 fresh IVF retrievals
5 transfers of 8 embryos
1 natural pregnancy
1 chemical pregnancy
2 miscarriages
Countless blood draws, tests, procedures, ultrasounds,injections, and drugs
Hours of worry
An ocean of tears
Endless waiting

I wouldn't wish this heartbreak and pain on anyone.  But, as it usually goes with life, there is also a silver lining.  Although when I measure these past 2 1/2 years I do it in treatments, cycles, and disappointments when I look at the above list I see something else.

Unconditional love
Strength beyond comprehension
Endurance that can't be measured
Hope that refuses to be extinguished
Persistence
Fight
Support
Encouragement

Although this rocky road was NOT in our plan when we said I Do, today I look at my husband in a whole new light.  This man has stood by me when it would have been so much easier to walk away.  He has seen me at my worst, dragged me out of dark hole after dark hole.  He's held me when I cried, made me laugh through my tears.  Our love, our marriage, is so strong. And for that I am grateful.

They say you don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only choice.  And that is exactly right.  It takes strength to endure the disappointments and get up every day to continue to face them.  It takes endurance to start yet another cycle of pills, injections, uncontrollable hormones, and so much unknown. To hope when all the odds are against you, when others are telling you to give up.  To have the kind of persistence to try again.  To continue to fight this battle when your body and soul are broken and so very tired.  Some may call me stupid but I am proud of these characteristics that have come to define us.

Finally when I look back at what we've been through on this journey I see support and encouragement.  No, not everyone understands what we are going through or why we continue on.  And they don't need to, it's not for them.  But others, our families, our closest friends, and this amazing community continue to offer support and encouragement.  They are the light for us in this dark tunnel.  It's what allows us to continue on.  For that I am so very thankful.  

I find myself looking to all of you again for your support and prayers.  This month I find myself pregnant, again, naturally.  As we prepped the second time for our first cycle at CCRM this time I took a pregnancy test before starting injections after what happened last time.  And it was positive.  To say I was shocked doesn't even begin to describe my feelings.  In this space where I can be transparent I'll tell you our first reaction was anger.  We had managed to get through the hell that was the last miscarriage.  I was physically recovered and we were mentally ready to start our journey at CCRM.  We knew they are were our best chance.  And now not only was this another delay but most likely more of the gut wrenching heartache and disappointment.

Now that we've had a couple of weeks to absorb the news our anger and confusion has morphed slowly into hope.  While realistically I know that we have a high risk of miscarriage there's still something inside of me saying this could be IT.  I pray throughout the day and at night when sleep eludes me that I'll get to meet this life that God has blessed me with.  For regardless of what happens with this pregnancy I am blessed to carry this life for the short term or the long.  I tested two days before my expected period and when I got the positive immediately called my OB.  I went in for a blood test and my beta was at 66.  Two days later (the day my period was expected to arrive) our beta had more than doubled and was at 166.  A week later we were over 3600.  With each passing day and each milestone I find more hope in my heart.  The fear is still there and will overtake me at a moments notice if I let it.  But I am strong,  I have endurance,  I will persist.  I will fight.  And I will hope with everything in me that this is it for us.

Your thoughts and prayers are greatly appreciated during this time.  We'll have a fourth beta this week and if all is progressing as it should our fist ultrasound will be next week.  

Faith vs. Logic

Hello world.  It's been 7 weeks and I'm so relieved to report that my HCG level is FINALLY back down to 1.  We tested the Friday of Labor Day weekend and it came back at a 7.  Ugh.  One more trip last week and it's finally, officially over.  We are now just waiting for my period to start and we can re-start our first cycle at CCRM.  I am more than ready to get things rolling.  We still haven't made any decisions on the Family Building Plan vs. a single cycle at CCRM.  I really think we are just going to wait and see how the cycle is looking and what the recommendations are.  For us it will most likely be a last min decision the day of retrieval.  I am asking and trusting that God will guide us to make the right choice.

That's something I've been given a lot of thought to lately.  Faith and trust in God and His plan.  I recently spent some one on one time with a close friend of mine and while talking about moving forward with CCRM she had a lot of hard questions for me to answer.  Basically she can't really understand after 3 retrievals, five transfers, and one spontaneous pregnancy why I think CCRM is going to be able help us.  And while it's a stab to the heart it's a logical question.  She's not the first to raise the question of when enough is enough and won't be the last.  I wish more than anything my situation was black and white.  But it's colored so many in between shades it's hard for me to even distinguish any more.  Yes, we've been through 3 fresh cycles and in each one we retrieved more eggs than the cycle before.  I've had an early miscarriage, a chemical, and finally this last spontaneous pregnancy that resulted in a miscarriage after we saw a heartbeat.  Where the shades of gray fall are with all of the different aspects of each of those cycles.  With the miscarriage the embryos were not CCS tested so we have no idea if they were genetically normal.  With the chemical pregnancy the embryos were genetically tested but on Day 3, which Dr. Schoolcraft informed me could be fatally damaging to the embryos.  If we had done five transfers of all "normal" embryos I would be ready to move on to a GC (even though nothing in all of the millions of tests they have ran is indicating I would have any problems carrying a baby).  If we had retrieved and tested all of these eggs/embryos and none of them came back normal I would know that it's time to look into donor eggs.  But for me it seems to be a mix of both.  I did get genetically normal embryos, but they were most likely damaged by the day 3 genetic testing.  So now I feel like my judgement is clouded and that there's no clear next path.

My simple answer for my friend is I have faith in CCRM because of their lab.  Even my genetically normal embryos from my local clinic weren't perfect or even great quality.  My hope is that CCRM can help us produce MORE mature eggs and their lab can help us get more, QUALITY blasts.  My hope is that our "golden" egg will be found here, providing I really can carry a child.  And while we are definitely open to using a GC or donor eggs, until we cycle at CCRM I don't feel like either path is clear for us.

But to my friend's point there's a very good possibility that we'll cycle at CCRM and it WON'T work.  And that is going to be absolutely devastating.  It's taking every last penny we have to cycle with them and if we get through this and discover that we do need a donor or a GC there's not going to be any money left at this time to explore that option.  And that absolutely terrifies me.  But when it comes down to it this entire journey has been blind faith.  There are no guarantees.  No amount of hard work, dedication, or shear desire will make this successful.  We have no control over the outcome no matter what supplements I take, food or drinks I give up, or how much I exercise or take care of my body.  Yes there's things we can to do help but ultimately it's out of our control.

So to me it becomes a choice.  I can give up or I can have faith.  Blind trust in God and His plan.  Even after ALL of our failures and everything we've been through I still feel in my gut that I am meant to be a mother.  Honestly (and I may just be in severe denial here) but I still feel like I will carry that child.  There's definitely days that I'm more sure than others, and there's also days where I feel like giving up.  But one thing I know for sure is at this time there's too many unknowns.  And only one way to truly get some answers.  Whatever the outcome I'm ready to know.

Starting Over

We got the results from the Repeated Pregnancy Loss panel back and everything was normal.  On Wednesday we will see where my HCG level is at now.  Once it returns to below 5 and I get a period we can start our cycle at CCRM.  My protocol there is an estrogen priming one.  So after my period starts I'll test for ovulation and once I get a positive ovulation test I'll start my estrogen patches.  Then we add in three days of Ganerleix injections and then I should get another period and we start stims right away.  It will go fast once I get that initial period - I just have no idea how long that will take.

Emotionally I'm doing okay and I feel ready to move forward.  While the pain and grief are still there I don't feel like it's consuming me anymore.  This morning I woke up feeling.....determined might be a good word.  This has been a hard road for us with a lot of unanswered questions.  But we both agree there's nothing more important to us than building a family.  And until we cycle at CCRM I don't think we can truly know what our best option is.  There's a lot of ways our cycle(s) with them can go.  Obviously my hope is their world class lab can help us get some high quality normal blasts to transfer.  If my gut is right and the root of our struggles is my shitty egg quality then that should be our solution.  However I know just because an embryo has tested normal does not guarantee success.  We may transfer a normal embryo and still not find success.  I could miscarry again.  Or it could just be a BFN.  At that point I think we start to think seriously about a Gestational Carrier.  We might not even get any normal blasts.  Which at that point we will start to look into donor eggs.  In some ways though we've been through three fresh cycles, and a total of five transfers (plus our naturally pregnancy) it feels like we are starting from scratch.  Which I guess in a way we are with CCRM.  And even though we've suffered nothing but disappointment after disappointment I am hopeful.  I'm hopeful that their protocol which does not include suppression will be helpful for a "poor responder" like me.  I'm hopeful that their amazing lab will yield better quality embryos from my crappy eggs. And as I mentioned before I'm no longer naive enough to think that a year from now this nightmare will be over, I am confident that we will know more than we do now.  That our path to our family will be more defined and within our reach.  That there will be light at the end of this dark, long tunnel.

One Week

It's been one week since the world came crashing down.  Funny I think I've written something like this before here.  I'm constantly surprised by the things the human soul can endure.  On a brighter note I'm also surprised by the compassion and love that people can show.  It has NOT been an easy week.  However my family and friends rallied, as they always do.  My best friend showed up at my house the day after even though I told her not to.  She brought food, and diet Coke, and wine, and beer for D, and Ben and Jerry's ice cream, and season six (the BEST season) of Friends.  She did my dirty dishes.  Is there a better definition of a best friend?  Our families continued to reach out to us even when we weren't responding to their phone calls and texts.  They consistently showered us with love and concern.  I heard from so many of our sisters in this community.  My dear friend Jane, who has a brand new baby at home, fielded my endless questions regarding the actual miscarriage and what happens next.  My rock, my sweet Amanda checked in with me every day and sent me a wonderful care package.  I got emails from bloggers who have been following me but have never commented before.  No, it was not an easy week.  But despite it, I still feel blessed and thankful.

After we received the news Tues morning that there was no heartbeat I did not take my daily doses of progesterone and I actually started spotting Tuesday night.  I had regular period bleeding all week.  I became convinced that maybe the miscarriage would just be this steady bleeding.  I was wrong.  Friday early evening I started getting some bad cramps.  The bleeding got heavy.  To the point that I really couldn't leave the toilet.  In reality it actually happened pretty fast.  Less than 2 hours from start to finish.  I don't want to get super graphic with you guys but if someone is reading this and going through the same thing I also want to give them some sort of a heads up.  I finally passed the baby and it was not just some tissue or a clot like clump (though I had some of those as well).  It was very clearly a sac with something inside.  There were basically two cords attached to the sac.  I think one was where it was attached to my uterus and the other was the cord going to the yolk sac or placenta.  In total it was all about the size of the palm of my hand. There was one large chunk of tissue before that and another after.  I was NOT prepared for any of this as the baby was measuring 7 weeks and I had read if you miscarried before 8 weeks it could just be similar to a very heavy period.  Obviously that was not accurate for me.  Even though it was terrible I am glad that it's over.  When I woke up on Saturday morning I felt.....better.  Still, obviously, very very sad.  But relieved that the worst was over and I had survived.

I got my HCG level checked yesterday and it was at 1800.  I'm not sure how I feel about this.  Compared to where it had to have been this is obviously a big decrease.  And I'm hoping now that the actual miscarriage has happened it will decrease quickly.  I do feel confident that there's nothing left that I would need a D&C for or that would keep those levels from decreasing.  After Friday night I'm not sure how there could be anything left.  CCRM sent me orders to get it checked again next Wed.  My nurse there (Cindy for anyone at CCRM) has been absolutely wonderful.  Before we can move forward the level needs to return to below 5 and I need to have a period.  They also ordered a Repeated Pregnancy Loss panel that I got blood drawn for yesterday.  It will take a couple days to get those results.  And honestly I'll be shocked if anything comes back abnormal.  My gut tells me my shitty eggs are the main issue but I'm glad they are running the tests anyway.

If someone could tell me that I need donor eggs or a surrogate to get our baby I'm at the point where I would happily embrace either of those options. And while I'm not ready to give up I do wonder how much more disappointment we can take without breaking.  Unfortunately I don't think we'll truly know if we need to go either of those routes until we cycle at CCRM.  Which really just amounts to a lot more time and money.  Due to the prior mentioned shitty eggs the plan at CCRM is their egg banking "Family Building Plan".  Which is three retrievals (approx. 8 weeks between retrievals) where they freeze the embryos at the 2PN stage.  After the third retrieval they grow all of the embryos out to day 5 and then providing you still have some left, they do their CSS genetic testing.  It's a couple weeks to get those results and then IF you have normals you can start prepping for a transfer.  The entire process takes anywhere from 6 - 9 months depending on your protocol, potential set backs (cyst, delayed periods, etc).  For the last 2 + years after every disappointment I've comforted myself that if I could just fast forward a year form now this will all be over.  At this point in time I'm pretty confident that a year from now this will not be behind us.  And that, my friends, is a very depressing thought.

So more of the same here - waiting.   D is now completely freaked out about us getting pregnant naturally.  He is 100% against that and feels we need to be very cautious.  I'm not sure how I feel about that.  No I do not want to go through this again AT ALL.  But I also have a hard time stomaching purposely preventing pregnancy.  I'm just not sure what the right answer is here.  Which seems to be a common theme in my life right now.  Thank you to all of you for your concern and your kind words.  You were all the light in the darkest of times this past week.

The morning after

I thought I'd wake up feeling better this morning. It's not everyday that you can save you survived your worst day, your hardest experience. It's a new morning, a fresh start. But yet I still feel the same. Heartbroken, disappointed, angry, confused, and scared. Part of me just can not believe this is happening and part of me feels like of course it is. Why did I think this time would be any different?  It's harder and harder to ignore that maybe this just isn't meant to be. All I've ever wanted since I was a little girl was to be a mom. And as my life unfolded NOT according to my careful plans I worried about not being able to have kids before I even knew there was a problem. It was always my biggest fear because it's the one thing I wanted most. And yes I understand you don't always get what you want but I know, deep down inside I KNOW, this is something I will be good at. No that's not true. I'm good at a lot of things - my job, sports, being a good friend. I know that I would be a great mom. It would be the best thing I ever did. But it just doesn't seem like it's in the cards for us. I'm not sure just how much more heartache we can take. And yet how do you let go of your life's dream. I know I have friends who are thinking enough is enough. Maybe they are right. Maybe it's time to just admit it's not meant to be. To find a new dream. Once again my plans are not working out.  And even though I can not begin to even fathom a life without children maybe God is telling me it's time to start. I can't possibly understand the reasons for all that we've been through. If infertility was God's way to prepare me to be the very best parent, one that will never take one moment for granted, mission accomplished God. That mission was accomplished years ago. But here we sit still in the same place. Our life still on hold, our future unknown and the looming disappointment and heartbreak weighs so heavy on me I feel like i will drown. If this is some sort of test I've obviously failed. It seems failing is all I'm capable of lately. And I'm so very tired of it. Tired of it all. 

Be Your Own Advocate

I hope you all know how grateful I am for this community.  When I set out to see what the infertility blog world was all about my sole reasoning was to have someone to talk to who truly understood what we were going through.  But the more women I met, the more involved I got, I began to realize there's so many benefits that I didn't expect.  Most recently this community has given me the confidence to be my own advocate.  When I got my diagnosis I immediately began researching, which is what actually led me to the blog world.  While I recognized I would never be an expert I wanted to at least understand what all of these tests and procedures were about, what the drugs I was injecting into myself did, and what the potential risks and outcomes were.  I quickly got up to speed on my diagnosis, my options, and the procedures and drugs.  However even equipped with all of this knowledge I still lacked the confidence to even ask some of my questions to my doctor.  There's been times throughout this journey that I questioned a choice he made or wondered if another option might be better.  But for the most part I just conceded to the fact that he was the one with the initials after his name, the years of experience, and the expertise.  But thanks to you guys for the first time I felt strong enough to speak my mind.

The re-test of my TSH level came back at 2.9.  My doctor was comfortable with that level and opted not to treat me.  However, after researching and some great advice from many of you, I got the courage to challenge her about this decision.  A lot of the studies I have been reading suggest the optimal TSH level for a woman trying to get and stay pregnant is between 1 and 2.  At 2.9 I was BARELY under what my Dr. was comfortable with.  I couldn't find any information that discussed your level could be too low.  But what I did find was a lot of studies that linked chemical pregnancies and early miscarriages to elevated TSH levels.  Now, while mine is clearly not "elevated", it is above what they were calling the optimal range.  So after stewing on it for the weekend I composed an email this morning to my doctor.  I included some of the more powerful articles I had read, and reminded her of both my early miscarriage and my chemical.  I explained that I didn't want to challenge her, I only wanted to give this transfer the best possible chance we could.  In what was surprisingly a quick response she agreed to put me on 25mcg of thyroid replacement and to re-check my levels in 3 weeks.

I feel good about the fact that I pleaded my case and even better about the fact that we are going to try and get it down to the optimal level.  Most importantly I'm so glad that I can move forward confident that I've down everything I can to make this cycle a success.  Meds start tomorrow - 4 weeks from transfer.  Let's do this.

Understanding

Well as you've probably guessed from my radio silence my beta dropped on Tuesday.  It went from 9 to 5.2.  I went back this morning and it was down to 4.7.  I  have to go back again on Monday and hopefully it's down to zero.

I could sit here and tell you all about how I'm not going to give up, how I trust in The Lord and His plan, how I know that we will be parents one day.  But that wouldn't be an honest representation of what I'm feeling right now.  Right now, in this moment, I've lost hope.  I can't help but to question if we will EVER be parents.  That maybe it's God's will for us NOT to be parents.  My heart is broken, my spirit is crushed, and I am so very tired.  The weight of this struggle is just too much.  I feel like I am drowning in sorrow.  And there's a part of me that just wants to float to the bottom.

The hardest part of all of this for me is watching D struggle.  It literally tears me apart to see him hurting so badly.  And I can't help but feel responsible.  All I can think of is that he deserves better than this.  I hate that he has to experience this and I'd do ANYTHING to take his pain away.  But it's not something I have the power to do.  

So here we sit.  Childless.  Running out of options.  Running out of money, and definitely running out of hope.  We'll meet with Dr. H tomorrow and see what he has to say.  I know he doesn't have the answers I so desperately seek.  Yes, "normal" embryos have a 70% success rate.  So the odds were in our favor.  But 70% is not 100%.  There are other things that can go wrong and obviously it did.  Could it be my uterus?  We've never had any indication but I'll be asking about running some tests to confirm that before our next transfer for sure.  But the fact of the mater is he can't provide me with a reason or explanation of why this didn't work.  And he can't provide me with a guarantee that the next transfer will work either.  There's no peace to be found.  Honestly there won't be until I hold my baby in my arms (if that day ever comes).

I'm grateful that we still have 2 frozen blasts that tested normal.  That's about all the positivity I can come up with right now.  As I mentioned in an earlier post while I'm SO thankful for my frozen babies it doesn't stop the pain that is associated with this transfer.  It's now 6 babies that we've transferred and lost.  Six.  That seems like more pain than anyone should have to bear.  Three fresh IVF cycles, 4 transfers, and still nothing.  We won't be able to cycle again until Dec. which is the month that we did our first IVF cycle.  Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine we'd still be in this position at this point in time.  Call it being naive, but through every step of this process I kept thinking it was the last step.  This journey has changed me.  I'm scarred, damaged, broken.  And regardless of if we ever get a baby I will never be the person I was before experiencing this.  Just one more heartbreak to add to the list.

Scratch

It's been a crazy week for me, as I've been traveling for work but I wanted to send out a quick update as I'm feeling pretty anxious this morning.  I had my "scratch" on Monday morning.  It was as unpleasant as it sounds.  Basically Dr. H took a catheter and shoved it up into my uterine lining and took a chunk out of a specific spot.  He then felt the need to show me the blood and tissue he removed - could have done without that!  But the point of the procedure is that when we go to transfer Frosty he'll be able to see the spot where he took the tissue and will aim to deposit him/her right into that little indentation which will hopefully help Frosty implant and burrow in  Fingers crossed.

I go in tomorrow for an U/S to check and see how my lining is looking.  The only thing I've been taking to help with it is IM injections of estrodel every three days.  It doesn't seem like much.  I thought I would be on suppositories as well but I'm not.  Hopefully my lining is looking good and we can continue moving forward.

Although my blog is anonymous there are family and friends that I've shared the URL with.  Because of that I won't be posting my exact transfer or beta dates.  When I miscarried in March everyone who knew that we were pregnant and also knows me in real life, knew the date and time of the 7 weeks ultrasound.  I feel so blessed to have so many people who love us, support us, and are cheering us on.  However when we got the bad news I was obviously hit pretty hard and all of the calls and text messages just overwhelmed me even more.  I think it would have been easier if I could have had time to process the news and then informed people when I was more settled.  So that's my game plan moving forward with this transfer.

I hope no one feels like I"m trying to shut them out or that I don't appreciate each and every one of you who follows this blogs, sends positive thoughts and prayers, or reaches out to me to tell me that they are thinking of me.  IT MEANS SO MUCH TO ME!  I'm so grateful for all of my amazing friends and family and it's what gives me the strength to keep trying.  So from the bottom of my heart thank you all so much.  As for the wonderful people that I've never met but have connected with through this amazing community your ability to understand exactly what we are going through has been a light in the darkest tunnel for me.  Feeling like we aren't alone on this journey has made it more bearable.  I appreciate all of you so much!

Facing your Fears

Well today I'm heading back to my clinic for an ultrsaound.  I haven't gotten my period yet after the miscarriage and they want to check for cysts.  Honestly I can't get past the ultrasound part to even comprehend what it does mean if I have a cyst.  I'm assuming it will postpone our next cycle for the FET.  Which sucks, but like I said all I can think about is being back in that room and what happened last time I was there.  Logically I know there's many, many more ultrasounds in my future with IVF and hopefully someday another pregnancy.  So I need to face this fear and just get over it.  I just can't stop thinking about everything that happened last time I was there and all of the emotions seem to come right back.  But I'm ready to move forward and this is part of the process so I just need to suck it up and get it done. As we all know battling infertility has lots of dark moments and difficult situations so this is just another one that I'll face on our journey to a family.  I would do anything, absolutely anything, to make that happen.  So I guess I'll take a deep breath, grit my teeth, and get this over with hopefully as quickly as possible.  I'm grateful, yet again, for the fantastic staff at my clinic who will be by my side and make this painful experience a little bit easier.  D is going to come too, even though he probably shouldn't take the time off of work.  I didn't even have to say anything he just knew how difficult this would be and told me he'd be there.  I feel very lucky and blessed that I don't have to travel this road alone.

There's a small stupid part of me that was hopeful that we'd conceive naturally during this cycle.  I know that our chances of this happening are so slim but I couldn't help but hope.  You hear all of the stories about how you are the most fertile after a miscarriage.  But I'm almost positive I didn't ovulate this cycle at all and even though my period is late I feel absolutely normal.  I've had no cramps, no sort of symptoms of any kind.  I couldn't bring myself to take a test and see another negative today.  So I'm just moving forward with our appointment today and I guess we'll know soon enough what's next.

The Waiting Room

Since our early miscarriage I've been living a life without pills, timelines, injections, and doctor appointments.  I have to admit I spent the first week or two constantly feeling like I was forgetting something!  But, I am finally enjoying being medication free.  So that brings the question of.... where are we on our journey to a baby? We are where every girl in IF land finds herself - The Waiting Room.  We are simply waiting for my period to come.  If it arrives by next Monday then we can start on BC and will be eligible for a May FET of our 1 little embryo.  If it doesn't arrive then we continue to wait and will have to be bumped to June cycle.  I am at peace with whatever happens.  Of course I want to continue to move forward, but waiting another month won't send me over the edge. It seems I've finally accepted that I truly have no control over any of this.  And I've learned that the waiting (for your period, your beta, your baby) is the hardest part.

My stay in The Waiting Room over the last four weeks has been rough.  I've been mourning the loss of the baby that I carried for 7 short weeks.  I've been dealing with grief, anger, and unbelievable sadness.  But throughout all of these emotions one thing has remained constant and that is our desire to have a child.  My good friend Amanda recently wrote an amazing post (as most of hers are!) about Hard Choices and next steps.  Her post pushed me to start looking ahead instead of dwelling on the past.  The options she laid out for herself and her husband are exactly where we are at.  And after much discussion I think my husband and I are on the same page with how we want to move forward.

Even though we have our reservations about just transferring one embryo we have decided to move forward with the FET as our first step.  Financially it just makes sense.  We are very lucky in the fact that D's insurance does cover part of our infertility treatment.  But even with that help a fresh IVF cycle is significantly more expensive than a FET.  So it's hard to justify spending the money for another fresh cycle when it *could* not even be necessary since we do have 1 embryo left.  Yes, we transferred three last time and still have no baby but it only takes one.  So we'll start there either in May or June depending on when AF wants to make her appearance.

Looking beyond the FET (because I'm a lady that always has a plan) got more complicated.  Our options are to try a 3rd fresh cycle at our clinic at the very highest protocol, transfer to another clinic (options include another clinic in our state or some place like CCRM), donor eggs, domestic adoption, and international adoption.  As of right now it doesn't appear that carrying a baby would be the problem, but it's more my egg quantity/quality.  So I don't think surrogacy would be a fit for us since someone else's uterus won't help my rotten (forgive the pun) eggs.  So after much discussion D and I have agreed that we aren't ready to give up on having a biological child yet.  D's insurance provides coverage for up to 4 fresh IVF cycles over the course of your life.  We've used up 2 of these but still have 2 left.  While we all know CCRM has amazing statistics, we would also have zero insurance coverage.  So we'd be looking at approximately $30,000 without travel (correct me if I'm wrong CCRM patients!).  Since we can do IVF in our state for about a third of that cost it seems logical to exhaust our options in state with coverage before we move on to that option.

So then the decision becomes do we stay with our clinic or get a 2nd opinion?  I adore the staff at our clinic and I do like our doctor a lot.  It sounds like he's more involved than some other doctors at different clinics.  He does all of our monitoring u/s's and we meet face-to-face for WTF appointments.  I have his email address and he gets back to me within 24 hours if I email him questions.  He started me out on a protocol that was slightly more aggressive than their standard protocol due to my elevated FSH level.  After our 1st cycle had, let's just say, less than stellar results, he bumped me up to a higher protocol.  Basically they rate their protocols 1-10.  I started at a 6 and then our 2nd cycle was at a 8.  It did yield better results as we had more eggs, a higher level of fertilization, and 6 embryos that were contenders at Day 3.  We transferred 3 of them and let the other three grow to Day 5.  Two of those 3 arrested and one made it to blast and was froze.  (This is the embryo we will transfer for our FET).  So better results than the 1 embryo we had from cycle 1.  If we do another fresh cycle at our clinic my expectation would be he would increase my protocol to a level 10, the very highest.  Which would hopefully yield more eggs, more embryos, and more chances for us.

However one of the options that D is interested in is transferring clinics.  There's another clinic a couple hours from our home that has a pretty good reputation.  We both know people who have worked with them and gotten pregnant.  I chose our clinic based on my own research, the research and referral of a close friend, and the fact that they are located right here in our hometown.  D thinks that it can't hurt to get a 2nd opinion and I  can't really argue with him.  If we go to a consultation at this new clinic and the doctor tells me his protocol would be similar to what we are doing for me it's a no brainer - I stay where I"m comfortable.  Now if he suggests something vastly different from what we have tried that's when things get interesting.  While I"m intrigued by trying something new that could potentially get better results I'm also hesitant.  What if this new and different protocol fails miserably and we wasted one of our precious 2 insurance covered cycles on it?  We have seen improved results with Dr. H and there's no reason to believe that by doing another cycle with them at the highest protocol we wouldn't get the same or better results.

In order to try and keep this post a reasonable length (ok, I may have already surpassed that) I have agreed to at least attend a consultation at the new clinic.  (Even though I feel like I'm cheating on MY clinic)  It seems like it's a proactive step and something we need to do.  Once we hear what their recommendations are then we'll try to make the best decision for our potential family.

Until then you can find me lounging in The Waiting Room.  I'll be enjoying coffee in the morning, regular workouts, "snuggle" time with my guy whenever we feel like it, and a glass of wine or two at night.  Hey - the least I can do is make my Waiting Room as comfortable as I can right?

How Do We Heal?

I'm sorry I haven't written in a while.  I just haven't had much to say.  It's been almost 2 weeks since the ultrasound that crushed our dream.  I survived the bleeding and it actually wasn't too bad.  Which isn't surprising since it looks like we lost the baby around 6 weeks.  But considering the emotional pain I was am in it felt like it should have been more of an event.  Slowly my thoughts and focus have started to move away from the baby and miscarriage to other aspects of life.  Last night was the first night I didn't cry myself to sleep, which seems like a big milestone.  I've found my motivation to try and get rid of the 10lbs I've gained from 2 back to back IVF cycles.  I laughed for the first time in what felt like forever on Friday when I shared an ice cream cone with my silly dog and she was so excited (yes I'm that person who shares food with their dog - don't judge.  She's the only baby I have).  Life is slowly getting back to normal.  And when I think about that it brings fresh tears to my eyes.  I don't want my life to go back to normal.  To what I've always known.  I WANT to be pregnant.  I want to be experiencing changes and feelings I've never had.  To be planning for a future that includes a baby.

Instead I find myself trying to heal from what has been the most painful experience of my 33 years.  And I have absolutely no idea how to do that.  The grief and sadness is always there.  Sometimes I can push it away and other times there's no controlling it.  I've noticed that when I think about us having a child my mindset has switched from "when" to "if".  This thought makes my broken heart feel as if it will never be whole again.  And while I'm not ready to give up on us having a family (which is the only dream I've ever really had) I just can't shake the feelings of hopelessness.

Which leads me to our next steps.  We had our WTF meeting with Dr. H which was SO hard.  While it was nice to see the wonderful staff at my clinic it was hard to go back to where our world came crashing down.  But these people have been with us every step of this journey and they are so caring and compassionate.  I am grateful for every one of them, as they have truly made this difficult battle a little easier on both of us.  Dr. H didn't have a whole lot of insight for us.  As he put it, everything that we can control went right and we were successful with getting me pregnant.  He explained that this in itself was a victory since so many women have problems even getting pregnant.  Now our mission becomes keeping me pregnant.  He thinks the miscarriage happened because the embryo that implanted was not chromologically (is that a word?) healthy.  He explained that at Day 3 even embryos who look perfect still have a high percentage of arresting.  However, for those embryos that make it to Day 5 almost 90% of them are genetically normal or healthy.  That being said his recommendation was for us to move forward and transfer our 1 Day 5 grade 2 embryo that we froze.  I know you hear mixed messages about the success rates of frozen vs. fresh.  Dr. H said that their success rate with frozen transfers is higher since my clinic only freezes Day 5 embryos.  Based on the fact that our 1 embryo made it to Day 5, and that one of it's "siblings" implanted, he thinks our success rate for a FET would be between 60 and 70 percent.  D and I both have our doubts about transferring just 1 embryo since we transferred 3 and we are right back where we started.  But Dr. H addressed these concerns by saying that transfer DID work.  And this embryo is much further along and we know a lot more about it than the 3 we transferred last cycle.  When you factor in that a FET runs us around $3K (vs. $15K for fresh IVF) it seems like the right thing to do to transfer this one and hope it works.

So right now we are back to waiting.  How I hate the waiting.  I need to have a period and then we start me back on birth control while we wait for cycle to start.  The FET protocol is pretty easy.  I'll take Lupron injections to keep me from ovulating and then I'll do E2V estrogen injections every other day leading up to the transfer.  Once my estrogen levels and lining are where they need to be we'll do the transfer.  Then it will be the standard PIO injections and estrogen/progesterone suppositories until we get the beta results. Sounds like a walk in the park compared to my last round of IVF.  Unless something strange happens and my period comes early it doesn't look like we will make May cycle so we are most likely looking at June.  And honestly I'm okay with that.  I know I need time to try and heal and to grieve.  And as I mentioned earlier if I can get some of this weight off I think I will feel a little bit more like myself.  As far as the hope I have for the FET it's running pretty low right now. I know it only takes one but after all we've been through it's hard not to focus on the fact that we are running out of time, money, and options.  Which puts a lot of pressure on this lonely little frozen baby.  I pray that it's God's plan for us that this is it.  I pray that He can provide me some peace and some hope.  I pray for a miracle.

Endless

Time seems endless these past few days.  I haven't been able to bring myself to go to work so I've been working from home yesterday and today.  I started bleeding yesterday, which was both a relief and a terrible, terrible (emotional) pain.  Waiting for it to happen was it's own form of torture but enduring it is another.  I spoke with my nurse yesterday and we set up a follow up appointment with our doctor for tomorrow morning.  Nurse Jenny thinks that he'll want to do some other testing (possibly genetic testing on D and I to make sure that we aren't too close of a match to form healthy embryos) and maybe a hysteroscopy.  She claims they have great success with pregnancies after that surgery.  I feel like that may be the case in unexplained infertility but they've also said that my uterus is "beautiful" so I don't really think that is the problem.  Honestly I haven't thought much about next steps.  I'm not ready to give up, but haven't had the heart or the hope to actually think about where we go from here.  We do have 1 frozen embryo.  It made it to 5 day blast and is a grade 2.  However after transferring 3 and not having it work out, transferring one seems almost like a waste of time to me.  I guess we will just see what he says.

I'm having a really hard time talking to anyone who knew about the pregnancy.  In fact, I didn't speak to anyone until Sunday.  Then I finally called my best friend and my mom.  Up until then I'd only been communicating through text message.  It's just such a lonely feeling.  And everyone is so sad and so concerned about us.  While I appreciate that I can barely handle my own sadness, much less everyone else's.  I feel like the weight of it all is crushing me.  D's mom wanted to come on Saturday and I told her I wasn't ready to see anyone.  Same with my parents.  I just feel like there's no one who can truly relate to what I'm going through.  My two best friends both have children and while one of them did endure a miscarriage, she now has 3 beautiful children of her own.  Not to mention she never had a problem getting pregnant at all.   Somehow I'm sure this would be easier to endure if I knew that I would be able to get pregnant again easily.  Instead I sit here wondering if we'll ever have a baby, what I did to deserve this, why this is happening to us, and when, if ever, it's going to end.  We are definitely running out of options, time, and money and it seems so hopeless.  I was just so ready to put this behind us.  And now starting all over just seems so overwhelming and exhausting.

I know I need to find a way to return to the real world.  I emailed my boss and told him about our appointment tomorrow and that my plan was to come into work after that.  Which the thought of actually doing that makes me sick to my stomach.  But logically I know I can't just hide out forever.  Life goes on and I have to find a way to keep living it.  My only salvation has been my husband.  I've been a clingy, crying, mess for the last four days and he's been my rock.  I know he's sad and struggling with his own emotions but he's somehow managed to put them aside to focus on me.  He is the one thing in this world that is keeping me going.  How I love that man.  How I long to give him a child........

Broken

There was no heartbeat at the ultrasound today. I miscarried. 

I feel broken. Heart broken, physically broken, emotionally broken. I don't understand why this is happening to us. I don't know what is wrong with my body. I don't know how we move on. 

I feel like we are never going to have a baby. And it feels so unfair. I'm angry. And I'm sad. I'm so sad. I feel like D has been tricked into this childless marriage and it clearly was not what he signed up for. I feel guilty. And the weight of my disappointment, his disappointment, our parents disappointment is crushing me. I have failed everyone. Again. 

I have no idea where we go from here. I feel hopeless and helpless. And so very alone.