Infertility
Wednesday, July 29, 2015
The morning after
I thought I'd wake up feeling better this morning. It's not everyday that you can save you survived your worst day, your hardest experience. It's a new morning, a fresh start. But yet I still feel the same. Heartbroken, disappointed, angry, confused, and scared. Part of me just can not believe this is happening and part of me feels like of course it is. Why did I think this time would be any different? It's harder and harder to ignore that maybe this just isn't meant to be. All I've ever wanted since I was a little girl was to be a mom. And as my life unfolded NOT according to my careful plans I worried about not being able to have kids before I even knew there was a problem. It was always my biggest fear because it's the one thing I wanted most. And yes I understand you don't always get what you want but I know, deep down inside I KNOW, this is something I will be good at. No that's not true. I'm good at a lot of things - my job, sports, being a good friend. I know that I would be a great mom. It would be the best thing I ever did. But it just doesn't seem like it's in the cards for us. I'm not sure just how much more heartache we can take. And yet how do you let go of your life's dream. I know I have friends who are thinking enough is enough. Maybe they are right. Maybe it's time to just admit it's not meant to be. To find a new dream. Once again my plans are not working out. And even though I can not begin to even fathom a life without children maybe God is telling me it's time to start. I can't possibly understand the reasons for all that we've been through. If infertility was God's way to prepare me to be the very best parent, one that will never take one moment for granted, mission accomplished God. That mission was accomplished years ago. But here we sit still in the same place. Our life still on hold, our future unknown and the looming disappointment and heartbreak weighs so heavy on me I feel like i will drown. If this is some sort of test I've obviously failed. It seems failing is all I'm capable of lately. And I'm so very tired of it. Tired of it all.
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You must be in my head or something because I wrote practically the same post the day after I had no heartbeat (March if you want to beat yourself up more.) Feel those feelings. Write them here. GET THEM OUT. You have to say them and face them and own them. Write them all down. They are real and justified, and you should be mad and sad and gutted and pissed off at the universe and yourself and everyone. You would be a psychopath if you were not.
ReplyDeleteBut decisions about your whole life do not need to be made today, or next week, or even this month. Write down these feelings. Then when you come back, you can see how little power they will have over you after some healing.
No one can feel this for you. Get it out.
I get every single word of this and I remember feeling many of the same things. I don't have answers or really even helpful advice. Just know that I love you and I'm praying your days feeling this miserable loss and confusion and anger are numbered and that better days are ahead. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteI am so heartbroken for you. I have lived the moment of "there's no heartbeat" and I will never forget that agony. That was at a 7 week ultrasound, and the next ultrasound there was a heartbeat, which we thought was a miracle and told everyone and their brother about. And then the next week there was no heartbeat again and we had to endure our loss all over again.
ReplyDeleteSo I am heartbroken for you because this is hell, but also because when you have your miracle fucked with it is even worse hell. And there is no possible way to make sense of it.
And I am a Christian (and a pastor's wife) so I do believe God is present in all of this, but no, God did not plan this to teach you something. And if he did, I think we deserve the freedom to tell him to go to hell because this is awful. So I don't think he planned this, but I do believe he is planning your redemption. I do believe this will get better, that you will live in a day where your dreams have come true in some form. And it won't take away this pain or make it all worth it, but I am praying for it to come and come soon for you.
And I am also praying for you now with your broken heart, because oh this is so unfair.
Rebecca thank you so much for your comment. It really touched my heart.
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