The title to this post has two meanings. The first being it was opening weekend for the last Hunger Games movie which I went and saw and it was awesome. The second is of course, related to this pregnancy.
Each day is filled with worry on if everything is progressing as it should be. On Wednesday of last week, the day after our Scary Morning, I got a call from the doctor's office saying that my progesterone level was at 15 and they wanted me to start on suppositories. My OBGYN likes to see your progesterone above 20, although I know CCRM told me that 9 was the lowest end of "normal". After panicking and researching I discovered that progesterone levels can/do fluctuate during the day. Most of my appointments have been in the morning but my last blood draw was an afternoon appointment. I also read that starting week 8-9 progesterone levels *can* decrease as the placenta starts to take over (though this won't be complete until week 12ish). You would think all of that information would make me feel better. Nope. The fact that I had some bleeding (even though they could give me an answer for why it was happening and weren't concerned) with the decreasing progesterone levels has made me feel like it's the beginning of the end of this pregnancy. I'm just so terrified of losing these precious babies. And it consumes me. I know it's not good for me or the babies. And I do everything I can to try and think positive thoughts. But after all we've been through it's just so hard NOT to worry and obsess. I had a couple days where I felt pretty good, which of course makes me nervous. In addition now that I started the progesterone I find no comfort in my symptoms since they can all be attributed to the suppositories.
I've also taken to obsessing over my belly. By the end of the day it's actually pretty big due to all the bloating. But when I wake up in the morning it really doesn't look any different than when I was not pregnant except maybe slightly noticeable that I've gained a couple pounds. My regular clothes fit fine in the morning although they are uncomfortable by the evening due to the bloat. At 9 1/2 weeks I just feel like with twins I should be showing more. However this is obviously my first baby(ies) and I'm 5'8' tall with a long torso. Plus the babies are still the size of peanuts (literally that's the food reference this week) so how big should I really be?
Welcome to my world of crazy. These are the thoughts that run through my mind non stop every day. I'm actually relieved to be back at work today so I have more of a distraction to keep my mind occupied. Wednesday is our next sono at 9 weeks 6 days. I know I say this every time but I feel like this is a big milestone for us. If all is okay on Wed. our next appointment will be our 12 week with the MFM. There's a million other worries associated with that appointment but I won't even go there now. One milestone at a time. I pray constantly throughout the day for these two little miracles that God has blessed us with. And I'll gladly deal with the worry and stress for the whole 9 months to get two little healthy babies at the end. I'll endure absolutely anything for their health and safety. I just pray so hard that I get that chance.
Infertility
Monday, November 23, 2015
Tuesday, November 17, 2015
Scary Morning
It's been quite a morning here. Yesterday I called and talked to my nurse and they scheduled me for a sono at 8:30 this morning. Well my alarm went off at 6am and I got up to pee which includes a normal 5 min inspection of the toilet paper. However as soon as I whipped I saw blood. I screamed loud enough that D jumped out of bed and came flying into the bathroom. I immediately started bawling. Thank goodness he kept his head. He led me back to bed and just told me to lay down. My parents were coming to the sono with me today since D is a teacher and can't be missing school once a week. He quickly threw some clothes on and said he would run to school and get everything squared away for a sub and then come back to get me to take me to the doctors appointment. While he was gone I just layed there praying so hard. I called my parents and they said they would still meet us at the appointment to be there for moral support. D was back so quick and we hit the road. We got to the appointment 15 minutes early only to find out the sono tech wasn't going to be there until 9. So we had a 45 min. wait. I'm so thankful my parents were there to distract and support us otherwise I'm sure I would have just sat there and cried the entire time. I went back to go to the bathroom and talked to a couple of the nurses. They were very positive and said there's a lot of different reasons for bleeding outside of miscarriage and we just needed to wait and see.
Finally we got called back by the sono tech. It was the same sweet woman we had at our last bad sono when we didn't see a heartbeat. I actually felt kind of bad for her through my own worry and sadness. She got us started pretty quickly but did not turn on the big flat screen that we watch. She just had her little computer screen on. She quickly assured us that she saw one heartbeat and then another. Huge sigh of relief. Then she turned the big screen on and I could tell right away that they had grown. She did some quick measurements and they came in at 8 weeks 4 days and 8 weeks 5 days (I am 8w5d today!). We then listened to each little heartbeat individually. They were both measuring 174bpm! That was great news as last week Baby A that had originally measured behind had caught up in size but it's heart rate was at 148 which was on the lowest end of average for that time. So good news all the way around.
She also thought she could very faintly see the membrane separating their amniotic sacs! This is something I have been praying so hard for since the risk with MoMo twins are so high. Another huge relief.
After a little more inspection she pointed out two different areas of my uterus where she could see some tissue coming loose. It was kind of confusing but I took it as it's sort of break through bleeding from when you should be having your period. One of the areas was very close to my cervix so it was what was most likely causing the bleeding I had today. There was another area near the top of my uterus that she said could cause more bleeding at a later time. Obviously this all still worries me but I feel better knowing that it could happen again and there's a non-threatening reason for it. She said it was fairly common in early pregnancy.
So overall good news today and a huge relief. I'm not going to lie there's a part of me that is so scared that everything was fine today but it's the beginning of the end. Even after all of the reassurance today it's still very nerve wracking. But the good news is we kept our appointment for next Wed so we only have a week to wait until we get another update. That will be 10 weeks which I feel like is a big milestone!. Knowing they are both growing so well and have strong heartbeats does do a lot to calm my crazy though.
We ask for your continued prayers through this scary time! It means so much.
Finally we got called back by the sono tech. It was the same sweet woman we had at our last bad sono when we didn't see a heartbeat. I actually felt kind of bad for her through my own worry and sadness. She got us started pretty quickly but did not turn on the big flat screen that we watch. She just had her little computer screen on. She quickly assured us that she saw one heartbeat and then another. Huge sigh of relief. Then she turned the big screen on and I could tell right away that they had grown. She did some quick measurements and they came in at 8 weeks 4 days and 8 weeks 5 days (I am 8w5d today!). We then listened to each little heartbeat individually. They were both measuring 174bpm! That was great news as last week Baby A that had originally measured behind had caught up in size but it's heart rate was at 148 which was on the lowest end of average for that time. So good news all the way around.
She also thought she could very faintly see the membrane separating their amniotic sacs! This is something I have been praying so hard for since the risk with MoMo twins are so high. Another huge relief.
After a little more inspection she pointed out two different areas of my uterus where she could see some tissue coming loose. It was kind of confusing but I took it as it's sort of break through bleeding from when you should be having your period. One of the areas was very close to my cervix so it was what was most likely causing the bleeding I had today. There was another area near the top of my uterus that she said could cause more bleeding at a later time. Obviously this all still worries me but I feel better knowing that it could happen again and there's a non-threatening reason for it. She said it was fairly common in early pregnancy.
So overall good news today and a huge relief. I'm not going to lie there's a part of me that is so scared that everything was fine today but it's the beginning of the end. Even after all of the reassurance today it's still very nerve wracking. But the good news is we kept our appointment for next Wed so we only have a week to wait until we get another update. That will be 10 weeks which I feel like is a big milestone!. Knowing they are both growing so well and have strong heartbeats does do a lot to calm my crazy though.
We ask for your continued prayers through this scary time! It means so much.
Monday, November 16, 2015
Letting go of the Worries
It's Monday also known as 8 weeks 4 days! I survived the weekend which included a bachelorette party for my future sister in law. Fake drinking is HARD girls. I'm pretty sure a few of the girls were suspicious but it is what it is. I managed to stay out with the group until 11:30pm but then I gave in and went back to the hotel. Yesterday I slept from 11:30-3:30 in the afternoon and still fell asleep on the couch before 9pm. So. Tired. I'm still have really sore boobs, and just a general feeling of ickiness most days. But no throwing up yet which is good I guess. I'd gladly puke my guts out every day if it gave me some reassurance but honestly I don't think anything is capable of that.
As I mentioned in my last post I am not scheduled to go back to the doctor until the Wed. before Thanksgiving. I decided this morning that just wasn't going to work. I just couldn't wait that long without knowing if the babies were okay. So I called my OB today and they scheduled me for a sono tomorrow morning. I feel a little bit crazy but honestly I don't even care. I'm hoping and praying so hard that everything is still good and it will offer me a little bit of reassurance. I can't even think about the alternative.
Realistically I know that at some point I am going to have to go longer than 7 days but I just decided that doesn't need to be in the first trimester. My hope is after we get through 12 weeks I'll feel a little bit better and will be able to make it the 2 weeks between appointments. There's really no reason for me to be anxious. I haven't had any bleeding, my symptoms haven't gone away. I have been having what I'd call a pulling or stretching sensation along with some pressure in my uterus. It's not painful so I wouldn't call it cramps but it has been pretty consistent the last two days. The hope is it's just things stretching and growing in there but with everything that's happened I just can't rest easy. A part of me wonders that even if everything is okay if I'll ever be able to relax.
As I mentioned in my last post I am not scheduled to go back to the doctor until the Wed. before Thanksgiving. I decided this morning that just wasn't going to work. I just couldn't wait that long without knowing if the babies were okay. So I called my OB today and they scheduled me for a sono tomorrow morning. I feel a little bit crazy but honestly I don't even care. I'm hoping and praying so hard that everything is still good and it will offer me a little bit of reassurance. I can't even think about the alternative.
Realistically I know that at some point I am going to have to go longer than 7 days but I just decided that doesn't need to be in the first trimester. My hope is after we get through 12 weeks I'll feel a little bit better and will be able to make it the 2 weeks between appointments. There's really no reason for me to be anxious. I haven't had any bleeding, my symptoms haven't gone away. I have been having what I'd call a pulling or stretching sensation along with some pressure in my uterus. It's not painful so I wouldn't call it cramps but it has been pretty consistent the last two days. The hope is it's just things stretching and growing in there but with everything that's happened I just can't rest easy. A part of me wonders that even if everything is okay if I'll ever be able to relax.
Wednesday, November 11, 2015
The Power of Prayer
You guys. God is SO good. As are all of the amazing people in our life who love, support and pray for us. Every single one of our prayers were answered today. The babies are both doing great. They are BOTH measuring exactly the same at 8 weeks (1.53cm) which is actually a day ahead! Baby A's heartbeat was 148 and Baby B's (I really need to come up with better names for them!) was 160. I could tell right away that they have both grown SO much! We confirmed that there are two yolk sacs which as I mentioned before is a strong indicator that there is a membrane separating them. The yolk sacs are actually overlapping - one is in front of the other. They are the blob between the babies in the sono picture.
I don't really have words for my feelings. Of course the worry and fear has not left. But aside from that I'm feeling just completely overwhelmed with joy and hope, happiness and love. I find myself in tears on and off all day long just thinking about them. And even though the fear and anxiety is always present I'm doing my best to really ENJOY this pregnancy as much as I can. D walks around beaming from ear to ear. He's so so happy you guys. I know that we both have had some dark times but I guess I hadn't realized just how much this has affected him until now. Until I see him rejoicing and filled with hope. And to know that I am a part of giving him a gift that has made him this happy just overwhelms me. In my darkest times I've felt as if this wasn't happening for us because I didn't deserve it. And the fact that he does, so much, more than anyone in this world just broke me. To be able to help heal his shattered heart, it just fills me up. I love this man so much and he will be the very best father. Of that I am sure. (cue more uncontrollable tears).
So this is where we are. I'm amazed and in awe and so very thankful for our current state. I know it's still so early and a lot can happen but for today we celebrate and give thanks. One day at a time, one milestone at a time.
We will go back to see my OB in 2 weeks for another sono. If everything is good we'll do our first trimester screenings then. They also are calling in a referral for me to the Maternal Fetal Specialist. They will call me to set up an appointment but they warned me they probably won't want to see me until 12 weeks. Between the two offices I'll have appointments every two weeks and ultrasounds to hear the heartbeats at each appointment. Two weeks is feeling SO far away right now. But I am hopeful that the time passes quickly and I'm praying every second that God continues to help these babies grow and development and that they are healthy.
Twins. Can you believe it?
I don't really have words for my feelings. Of course the worry and fear has not left. But aside from that I'm feeling just completely overwhelmed with joy and hope, happiness and love. I find myself in tears on and off all day long just thinking about them. And even though the fear and anxiety is always present I'm doing my best to really ENJOY this pregnancy as much as I can. D walks around beaming from ear to ear. He's so so happy you guys. I know that we both have had some dark times but I guess I hadn't realized just how much this has affected him until now. Until I see him rejoicing and filled with hope. And to know that I am a part of giving him a gift that has made him this happy just overwhelms me. In my darkest times I've felt as if this wasn't happening for us because I didn't deserve it. And the fact that he does, so much, more than anyone in this world just broke me. To be able to help heal his shattered heart, it just fills me up. I love this man so much and he will be the very best father. Of that I am sure. (cue more uncontrollable tears).
So this is where we are. I'm amazed and in awe and so very thankful for our current state. I know it's still so early and a lot can happen but for today we celebrate and give thanks. One day at a time, one milestone at a time.
We will go back to see my OB in 2 weeks for another sono. If everything is good we'll do our first trimester screenings then. They also are calling in a referral for me to the Maternal Fetal Specialist. They will call me to set up an appointment but they warned me they probably won't want to see me until 12 weeks. Between the two offices I'll have appointments every two weeks and ultrasounds to hear the heartbeats at each appointment. Two weeks is feeling SO far away right now. But I am hopeful that the time passes quickly and I'm praying every second that God continues to help these babies grow and development and that they are healthy.
Twins. Can you believe it?
Monday, November 9, 2015
Feeling all the Feels
Feeling all the Feels. I love this expression as there's usually so many different emotions tied to the BIG events or circumstances in our lives. This seems especially true for my current situation. Today I am 7 weeks 4 days (note the use of my present term vs. the word *should* - that's my positivity people!). I think the shock of the news is slowly starting to wear off. I'm still constantly looking at the ultrasound pictures in awe but it feels more real to me. Physically I feel like I'm getting bigger everyday. My fitted clothes are definitely uncomfortable and my waist seems to be disappearing fast. I've gained approx. 4lbs already which feels like A LOT to me. However I still think a portion of this can be attributed to bloating. I've been feeling pretty crappy overall which is great news! My boobs have been very sore, I've been really tired and just feel..... off. Still no morning sickness or even really any nausea. It's more that nothing sounds good to eat. But I am constantly STARVING. But when I do eat I feel like I get full really quickly. Like I can't eat another bite but I'm still hungry. It's the oddest thing. I did read an article that all this is common in twin pregnancies. In fact I was shocked that the whole article described everything I've been feeling. So that was reassuring.
Saturday I had a good day where I felt pretty good. As the day went on I noticed that my boobs weren't hurting at all. Not really even a little bit. Of course that sent me into a spiral of my pregnancy symptoms were disappearing and we had lost BOTH babies and how the hell was I ever going to deal with that. Poor D did the best he could to talk me off the ledge. By that evening I felt like my boobs were starting to hurt again and yesterday everything was back in full force and I was feeling awful and slept from 11am-2pm and still went to bed at 8:45 and slept until 6am this morning (Of course I got up to pee twice). So I'm praying constantly that both babies are growing and developing and everything is going well.
Enough of the BAD feelings and onto the good. Obviously when we think about the concept of this actually working out we are overcome with excitement. I'm not naive guys. I know having twins would be HARD. I know we'll be exhausted and overwhelmed and terrified for a million new reason when (not IF, but when) they get here. But truly this is a dream come true for us. Looking past the first trimester (which is obviously very hard for me) I know there's a lot of potential complications just with the pregnancy alone, not to mention the babies if they come early. I've done my research on the different type of twins. You can see from the sono picture below it appears both babies are in the same amniotic sac. If that is in fact the case that would make them MoMoTwins (monoamniotic). Basically they would share the same sac and placenta and they are very high risk due to the possibility of cord entanglement. However at this early stage it can be difficult to see the membrane that separates the sacs. It's more likely to see it between 8-10 weeks and a lot of times they won't be able to tell until your second trimester. In addition we saw 2 yolk sacs at our last ultrasound which is not a guarantee but a good indicator there will be two sacs. Honestly none of that is scaring me at the moment. All I am concerned with is that they BOTH keep growing. If God can just bless us with two healthy babies we will get through whatever difficulties and obstacles come our way. I know we can do this.
So aside from the terror and the excitement there's also wonder, curiosity, anxiety, hope, anticipation, HAPPINESS, and finally So. Much. Love. I love both these little babies so much you guys. They already have my whole heart and there's nothing I want more than to bring them both into this world.
I feel like I have asked so much of you guys but I'm again asking you to continue to pray for these little love bugs. Our next sono is Wednesday morning when I'll be 7 weeks 6 days. Below is our sono picture from last Wednesday!
(That blob in between them is Baby B's yolk sac. You can't see Baby A's in this picture).
Saturday I had a good day where I felt pretty good. As the day went on I noticed that my boobs weren't hurting at all. Not really even a little bit. Of course that sent me into a spiral of my pregnancy symptoms were disappearing and we had lost BOTH babies and how the hell was I ever going to deal with that. Poor D did the best he could to talk me off the ledge. By that evening I felt like my boobs were starting to hurt again and yesterday everything was back in full force and I was feeling awful and slept from 11am-2pm and still went to bed at 8:45 and slept until 6am this morning (Of course I got up to pee twice). So I'm praying constantly that both babies are growing and developing and everything is going well.
Enough of the BAD feelings and onto the good. Obviously when we think about the concept of this actually working out we are overcome with excitement. I'm not naive guys. I know having twins would be HARD. I know we'll be exhausted and overwhelmed and terrified for a million new reason when (not IF, but when) they get here. But truly this is a dream come true for us. Looking past the first trimester (which is obviously very hard for me) I know there's a lot of potential complications just with the pregnancy alone, not to mention the babies if they come early. I've done my research on the different type of twins. You can see from the sono picture below it appears both babies are in the same amniotic sac. If that is in fact the case that would make them MoMoTwins (monoamniotic). Basically they would share the same sac and placenta and they are very high risk due to the possibility of cord entanglement. However at this early stage it can be difficult to see the membrane that separates the sacs. It's more likely to see it between 8-10 weeks and a lot of times they won't be able to tell until your second trimester. In addition we saw 2 yolk sacs at our last ultrasound which is not a guarantee but a good indicator there will be two sacs. Honestly none of that is scaring me at the moment. All I am concerned with is that they BOTH keep growing. If God can just bless us with two healthy babies we will get through whatever difficulties and obstacles come our way. I know we can do this.
So aside from the terror and the excitement there's also wonder, curiosity, anxiety, hope, anticipation, HAPPINESS, and finally So. Much. Love. I love both these little babies so much you guys. They already have my whole heart and there's nothing I want more than to bring them both into this world.
I feel like I have asked so much of you guys but I'm again asking you to continue to pray for these little love bugs. Our next sono is Wednesday morning when I'll be 7 weeks 6 days. Below is our sono picture from last Wednesday!
Thursday, November 5, 2015
Shock
I don't even know how to start this post. Yesterday was definitely one of the most stressful days of my life. I was sick to my stomach all day with worry about the pending ultrasound. The day took forever and I couldn't concentrate on anything else. Work was a complete disaster. Finally it was time for me to leave and head to the appointment. D was waiting for me in the parking lot. When we got there I had to pee of course so I went back to use the restroom and saw my doctor when I was walking out. She took one look at me and dropped everything and came over to give me a hug. She just told me to take a couple deep breaths and they'd get me back there as soon as possible. I returned to the waiting room and we sat there for what felt like forever. Finally they called us back and it was a new sono tech that I hadn't met or dealt with before. She asked how far along I was and I immediately just started spilling our whole story to her. Like I needed to prepare HER in case it was bad news. She left so I could get undressed and I was literally shaking all over. When she finally came back and we got started as soon as she put the wand in I was searching the screen for the sac, which I saw right away and I could see a small white blob in it. As she was zooming in she said "Oh I see a little heartbeat". I immediately got tears in my eyes and said "You do??" She confirmed and then I will never forget what happened next..........
She said "And there's the other one....I thought I saw two".
Silence. Confusion. Finally I was like "Are you serious?" And she said "Yep, here's the first baby and there's the second. I see heartbeats for both but we will measure and listen to them separately". At some point I said my husband's name in a panicked tone and I remember him saying "It's okay, it's okay". I'm not sure either of us said much after that. I'm pretty sure we're still in shock. I just cannot believe it. Twins. Naturally. Wow.
Yesterday I was 6 weeks 6 days. Baby A was measuring 6 weeks 2 days with a heartbeat of 115 (they said they just wanted to see it over 100 at this point). Baby B was measuring 6 weeks 5 days with a heartbeat of 128. Obviously I'm a little concerned about baby A measuring behind but no one else seemed to be at all. I am just praying so hard that he or she continues to grow grow grow this week.
I feel greedy but I want them both. So So badly. Being 35 and with our history I had basically come to peace with it being a miracle if we got one baby. I had let go of my dreams of having more than one child and pushed aside my sadness of that child not having a sibling. But once I saw those little heartbeats I was done. It feels selfish and greedy and like I'm asking for SO much but I want them both in my arms in approx. 30 weeks.
Here in my "safe" spot I'll be completely honest and vulnerable that the thought did cross my mind that with two maybe, just maybe one of them will actually make it. It feels completely unrealistic to me to think that both of these beautiful tiny little specks of life will make it. But once again, I want them both so much. I am praying with everything in me that next week at our second sono they BOTH have strong heartbeats and good growth. Obviously this all just seems too good to be true but I can't help but to hope and wonder......is this my redemption story?
She said "And there's the other one....I thought I saw two".
Silence. Confusion. Finally I was like "Are you serious?" And she said "Yep, here's the first baby and there's the second. I see heartbeats for both but we will measure and listen to them separately". At some point I said my husband's name in a panicked tone and I remember him saying "It's okay, it's okay". I'm not sure either of us said much after that. I'm pretty sure we're still in shock. I just cannot believe it. Twins. Naturally. Wow.
Yesterday I was 6 weeks 6 days. Baby A was measuring 6 weeks 2 days with a heartbeat of 115 (they said they just wanted to see it over 100 at this point). Baby B was measuring 6 weeks 5 days with a heartbeat of 128. Obviously I'm a little concerned about baby A measuring behind but no one else seemed to be at all. I am just praying so hard that he or she continues to grow grow grow this week.
I feel greedy but I want them both. So So badly. Being 35 and with our history I had basically come to peace with it being a miracle if we got one baby. I had let go of my dreams of having more than one child and pushed aside my sadness of that child not having a sibling. But once I saw those little heartbeats I was done. It feels selfish and greedy and like I'm asking for SO much but I want them both in my arms in approx. 30 weeks.
Here in my "safe" spot I'll be completely honest and vulnerable that the thought did cross my mind that with two maybe, just maybe one of them will actually make it. It feels completely unrealistic to me to think that both of these beautiful tiny little specks of life will make it. But once again, I want them both so much. I am praying with everything in me that next week at our second sono they BOTH have strong heartbeats and good growth. Obviously this all just seems too good to be true but I can't help but to hope and wonder......is this my redemption story?
Tuesday, November 3, 2015
The Day Before
We've made it to the day before our first ultrasound. We originally were hoping to get in for the sono on Monday but with D's work schedule we really needed an afternoon appointment so they scheduled it for tomorrow afternoon. I *should* be 6 weeks and 6 days. To say I'm nervous or anxious is a huge understatement. I'm basically sick to my stomach when I even think about sitting in the waiting room much less walking into the sono room. I alternate several times an hour between thinking everything is fine and that it's doomed. Here's what I've been telling myself for reassurance.
1. I've had no bleeding AND my progesterone levels have been good so I'm not taking any shots or suppositories that could essentially be keeping me from bleeding if something is wrong.
2. I've had no major cramping or pain. I have had twinges but I would call them mild and they only last for a minute. I did have some back pain this weekend but it wasn't severe and could have been from me laying around and doing literally NOTHING all weekend.
3. My boobs still hurt. Once again no progesterone supplements that I can blame this on. They are definitely bigger and still hurt consistently. Although some times during the day much worse than others.
4. I'm more tired this time than I"ve ever been. I've heard a lot of pregnant women talk about how they are so tired they just completely Can. Not. Function. While it definitely hasn't been that extreme for me I have been more tired than usual.
That's all I got. Really no nausea or morning sickness. No food aversions although sometimes nothing at all sounds good to eat.
So that would lead me to reasons I would believe things aren't okay
1. It's me.
That's all I've got. My past and history are the red flags and really the only signal to me that everything isn't okay. But it's a pretty big one. I have definitely been trying to stay positive and hopeful and I think I've been doing a good job. While also recognizing how scared I am and trying to be realistic. While the thought of the sono is absolutely terrifying at least we'll have some more information one way or another. So between now and then all of your prayers are greatly appreciated.
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