Looking Back

This month has been a time of reflection for me.  For the first time on this journey I've allowed myself to look at where we started, how far we've come, and of course how far we have to go.  2 1/2 years, 31 months, 961 days.  It's a small period of time in the grand scheme of life.  But for us this time has passed with pain, heartbreak, and small pockets of hope that were snuffed out so quickly.  Each passing month, let's be honest each passing day, is one day too long that we've been in this fight to grow our family.  It feels like so much longer than 2 1/2 years.  However when I look back at this time in our life this is what I see:

3 fresh IVF retrievals
5 transfers of 8 embryos
1 natural pregnancy
1 chemical pregnancy
2 miscarriages
Countless blood draws, tests, procedures, ultrasounds,injections, and drugs
Hours of worry
An ocean of tears
Endless waiting

I wouldn't wish this heartbreak and pain on anyone.  But, as it usually goes with life, there is also a silver lining.  Although when I measure these past 2 1/2 years I do it in treatments, cycles, and disappointments when I look at the above list I see something else.

Unconditional love
Strength beyond comprehension
Endurance that can't be measured
Hope that refuses to be extinguished
Persistence
Fight
Support
Encouragement

Although this rocky road was NOT in our plan when we said I Do, today I look at my husband in a whole new light.  This man has stood by me when it would have been so much easier to walk away.  He has seen me at my worst, dragged me out of dark hole after dark hole.  He's held me when I cried, made me laugh through my tears.  Our love, our marriage, is so strong. And for that I am grateful.

They say you don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only choice.  And that is exactly right.  It takes strength to endure the disappointments and get up every day to continue to face them.  It takes endurance to start yet another cycle of pills, injections, uncontrollable hormones, and so much unknown. To hope when all the odds are against you, when others are telling you to give up.  To have the kind of persistence to try again.  To continue to fight this battle when your body and soul are broken and so very tired.  Some may call me stupid but I am proud of these characteristics that have come to define us.

Finally when I look back at what we've been through on this journey I see support and encouragement.  No, not everyone understands what we are going through or why we continue on.  And they don't need to, it's not for them.  But others, our families, our closest friends, and this amazing community continue to offer support and encouragement.  They are the light for us in this dark tunnel.  It's what allows us to continue on.  For that I am so very thankful.  

I find myself looking to all of you again for your support and prayers.  This month I find myself pregnant, again, naturally.  As we prepped the second time for our first cycle at CCRM this time I took a pregnancy test before starting injections after what happened last time.  And it was positive.  To say I was shocked doesn't even begin to describe my feelings.  In this space where I can be transparent I'll tell you our first reaction was anger.  We had managed to get through the hell that was the last miscarriage.  I was physically recovered and we were mentally ready to start our journey at CCRM.  We knew they are were our best chance.  And now not only was this another delay but most likely more of the gut wrenching heartache and disappointment.

Now that we've had a couple of weeks to absorb the news our anger and confusion has morphed slowly into hope.  While realistically I know that we have a high risk of miscarriage there's still something inside of me saying this could be IT.  I pray throughout the day and at night when sleep eludes me that I'll get to meet this life that God has blessed me with.  For regardless of what happens with this pregnancy I am blessed to carry this life for the short term or the long.  I tested two days before my expected period and when I got the positive immediately called my OB.  I went in for a blood test and my beta was at 66.  Two days later (the day my period was expected to arrive) our beta had more than doubled and was at 166.  A week later we were over 3600.  With each passing day and each milestone I find more hope in my heart.  The fear is still there and will overtake me at a moments notice if I let it.  But I am strong,  I have endurance,  I will persist.  I will fight.  And I will hope with everything in me that this is it for us.

Your thoughts and prayers are greatly appreciated during this time.  We'll have a fourth beta this week and if all is progressing as it should our fist ultrasound will be next week.  

Faith vs. Logic

Hello world.  It's been 7 weeks and I'm so relieved to report that my HCG level is FINALLY back down to 1.  We tested the Friday of Labor Day weekend and it came back at a 7.  Ugh.  One more trip last week and it's finally, officially over.  We are now just waiting for my period to start and we can re-start our first cycle at CCRM.  I am more than ready to get things rolling.  We still haven't made any decisions on the Family Building Plan vs. a single cycle at CCRM.  I really think we are just going to wait and see how the cycle is looking and what the recommendations are.  For us it will most likely be a last min decision the day of retrieval.  I am asking and trusting that God will guide us to make the right choice.

That's something I've been given a lot of thought to lately.  Faith and trust in God and His plan.  I recently spent some one on one time with a close friend of mine and while talking about moving forward with CCRM she had a lot of hard questions for me to answer.  Basically she can't really understand after 3 retrievals, five transfers, and one spontaneous pregnancy why I think CCRM is going to be able help us.  And while it's a stab to the heart it's a logical question.  She's not the first to raise the question of when enough is enough and won't be the last.  I wish more than anything my situation was black and white.  But it's colored so many in between shades it's hard for me to even distinguish any more.  Yes, we've been through 3 fresh cycles and in each one we retrieved more eggs than the cycle before.  I've had an early miscarriage, a chemical, and finally this last spontaneous pregnancy that resulted in a miscarriage after we saw a heartbeat.  Where the shades of gray fall are with all of the different aspects of each of those cycles.  With the miscarriage the embryos were not CCS tested so we have no idea if they were genetically normal.  With the chemical pregnancy the embryos were genetically tested but on Day 3, which Dr. Schoolcraft informed me could be fatally damaging to the embryos.  If we had done five transfers of all "normal" embryos I would be ready to move on to a GC (even though nothing in all of the millions of tests they have ran is indicating I would have any problems carrying a baby).  If we had retrieved and tested all of these eggs/embryos and none of them came back normal I would know that it's time to look into donor eggs.  But for me it seems to be a mix of both.  I did get genetically normal embryos, but they were most likely damaged by the day 3 genetic testing.  So now I feel like my judgement is clouded and that there's no clear next path.

My simple answer for my friend is I have faith in CCRM because of their lab.  Even my genetically normal embryos from my local clinic weren't perfect or even great quality.  My hope is that CCRM can help us produce MORE mature eggs and their lab can help us get more, QUALITY blasts.  My hope is that our "golden" egg will be found here, providing I really can carry a child.  And while we are definitely open to using a GC or donor eggs, until we cycle at CCRM I don't feel like either path is clear for us.

But to my friend's point there's a very good possibility that we'll cycle at CCRM and it WON'T work.  And that is going to be absolutely devastating.  It's taking every last penny we have to cycle with them and if we get through this and discover that we do need a donor or a GC there's not going to be any money left at this time to explore that option.  And that absolutely terrifies me.  But when it comes down to it this entire journey has been blind faith.  There are no guarantees.  No amount of hard work, dedication, or shear desire will make this successful.  We have no control over the outcome no matter what supplements I take, food or drinks I give up, or how much I exercise or take care of my body.  Yes there's things we can to do help but ultimately it's out of our control.

So to me it becomes a choice.  I can give up or I can have faith.  Blind trust in God and His plan.  Even after ALL of our failures and everything we've been through I still feel in my gut that I am meant to be a mother.  Honestly (and I may just be in severe denial here) but I still feel like I will carry that child.  There's definitely days that I'm more sure than others, and there's also days where I feel like giving up.  But one thing I know for sure is at this time there's too many unknowns.  And only one way to truly get some answers.  Whatever the outcome I'm ready to know.

Making the right choice

As we wait for my HCG level to come back down I've been struggling lately with our next steps.  When we first found out that we were pregnant naturally we were cautiously optimistic.  I mean we'd been pregnant before and had nothing to show for it so we knew that a positive test did not equal a baby in our arms.  We agreed to look at that pregnancy as a "bonus" try for us.  If it worked out then it was truly our miracle.  If not, then we would move forward with our plan to go to CCRM.  Well as you all now that bonus try did not work out.  So here we are starting over again.  And even though my heart is still grieving the loss of our miracle baby my determination has returned.  We are not ready to give up on our dream of having a family.  But I am questioning our chosen route.....

When we met with Dr. Schoolcraft for our regroup after my ODWU I would say he seemed optimistic.  There were no red flags from all of the tests that we had ran that day.  He wanted to put me on their "poor responder" protocol which is really similar to what I've done in the past but instead of suppressing me with birth control and three weeks of lupron injections CCRM has seen better results by priming patients like me with estrogen.  I was/am excited to see what this change could bring for us.  Obviously my hope is more mature eggs and better quality embryos.  Due to my old clinic's crappy genetic testing we know that we CAN produce genetically normal embryos.  But I've always struggled getting my embryos to the day 5 blast stage.  The whole reason for coming to CCRM was the hope that their amazing lab could help with this.

When I say I'm questioning our route it's not going to CCRM.  I still believe that's the right place for us.  If we are going to do this it needs to be with the very best.  However during that regroup with Dr. Schoolcraft I brought up their Family Building Plan.  He agreed with me that it would be a good option for us.  However being completely OOP with NO insurance coverage it's a very expensive option.  About $45,000 expensive not including meds (which without any insurance will run around $6K for each cycle) and travel expenses.  Ouch.  We have a huge chunk of money saved but we are short of that amount.  My amazing parents have offered to make up the difference for us which we are so incredibly thankful for.  But I'm really struggling with what happens if we do this and drain all of our savings, tap my parents for money, and it doesn't work.  Maybe we don't get any normal embryos or maybe we do and we transfer them all and despite the fact that none of the tests are indicating there's something wrong with my ability to carry there really is.  And we need to go the surrogate route.  We are open to donor eggs and to surrogacy if that's what it will take to get our family.  However we have no way to afford either of those options after a FBP cycle at CCRM.

I had a long talk with my dad about the situation last night and he gave me some great advice.  He said let's just focus on the next step and if it doesn't work we'll deal with that at that time together.  It's great advice and probably what we need to do but I can't seem to stop worrying about the what if's.  I want to be positive and hopeful but I feel I also NEED to be realistic .  And after all these failures there's a good chance that we won't be successful this time.  I've been wondering if maybe we just do one cycle at CCRM and if that would be enough to give us direction?  But if we complete one cycle and we don't get any normals will I always wonder what if we had completed the FBP?  Or if we do get normals but only one or two and the transfer results in a BFN or another miscarriage will that really confirm we need a surrogate?   We all know having genetically normal embryos GREATLY increases the chance of success but it's still not 100%.

I know that no one can make these decisions but me and D.  It's just so overwhelming when it's the most important thing you will ever do.  CCRM girls I'd love to hear your thoughts on how you decided your path there and what was right for you.

Starting Over

We got the results from the Repeated Pregnancy Loss panel back and everything was normal.  On Wednesday we will see where my HCG level is at now.  Once it returns to below 5 and I get a period we can start our cycle at CCRM.  My protocol there is an estrogen priming one.  So after my period starts I'll test for ovulation and once I get a positive ovulation test I'll start my estrogen patches.  Then we add in three days of Ganerleix injections and then I should get another period and we start stims right away.  It will go fast once I get that initial period - I just have no idea how long that will take.

Emotionally I'm doing okay and I feel ready to move forward.  While the pain and grief are still there I don't feel like it's consuming me anymore.  This morning I woke up feeling.....determined might be a good word.  This has been a hard road for us with a lot of unanswered questions.  But we both agree there's nothing more important to us than building a family.  And until we cycle at CCRM I don't think we can truly know what our best option is.  There's a lot of ways our cycle(s) with them can go.  Obviously my hope is their world class lab can help us get some high quality normal blasts to transfer.  If my gut is right and the root of our struggles is my shitty egg quality then that should be our solution.  However I know just because an embryo has tested normal does not guarantee success.  We may transfer a normal embryo and still not find success.  I could miscarry again.  Or it could just be a BFN.  At that point I think we start to think seriously about a Gestational Carrier.  We might not even get any normal blasts.  Which at that point we will start to look into donor eggs.  In some ways though we've been through three fresh cycles, and a total of five transfers (plus our naturally pregnancy) it feels like we are starting from scratch.  Which I guess in a way we are with CCRM.  And even though we've suffered nothing but disappointment after disappointment I am hopeful.  I'm hopeful that their protocol which does not include suppression will be helpful for a "poor responder" like me.  I'm hopeful that their amazing lab will yield better quality embryos from my crappy eggs. And as I mentioned before I'm no longer naive enough to think that a year from now this nightmare will be over, I am confident that we will know more than we do now.  That our path to our family will be more defined and within our reach.  That there will be light at the end of this dark, long tunnel.

One Week

It's been one week since the world came crashing down.  Funny I think I've written something like this before here.  I'm constantly surprised by the things the human soul can endure.  On a brighter note I'm also surprised by the compassion and love that people can show.  It has NOT been an easy week.  However my family and friends rallied, as they always do.  My best friend showed up at my house the day after even though I told her not to.  She brought food, and diet Coke, and wine, and beer for D, and Ben and Jerry's ice cream, and season six (the BEST season) of Friends.  She did my dirty dishes.  Is there a better definition of a best friend?  Our families continued to reach out to us even when we weren't responding to their phone calls and texts.  They consistently showered us with love and concern.  I heard from so many of our sisters in this community.  My dear friend Jane, who has a brand new baby at home, fielded my endless questions regarding the actual miscarriage and what happens next.  My rock, my sweet Amanda checked in with me every day and sent me a wonderful care package.  I got emails from bloggers who have been following me but have never commented before.  No, it was not an easy week.  But despite it, I still feel blessed and thankful.

After we received the news Tues morning that there was no heartbeat I did not take my daily doses of progesterone and I actually started spotting Tuesday night.  I had regular period bleeding all week.  I became convinced that maybe the miscarriage would just be this steady bleeding.  I was wrong.  Friday early evening I started getting some bad cramps.  The bleeding got heavy.  To the point that I really couldn't leave the toilet.  In reality it actually happened pretty fast.  Less than 2 hours from start to finish.  I don't want to get super graphic with you guys but if someone is reading this and going through the same thing I also want to give them some sort of a heads up.  I finally passed the baby and it was not just some tissue or a clot like clump (though I had some of those as well).  It was very clearly a sac with something inside.  There were basically two cords attached to the sac.  I think one was where it was attached to my uterus and the other was the cord going to the yolk sac or placenta.  In total it was all about the size of the palm of my hand. There was one large chunk of tissue before that and another after.  I was NOT prepared for any of this as the baby was measuring 7 weeks and I had read if you miscarried before 8 weeks it could just be similar to a very heavy period.  Obviously that was not accurate for me.  Even though it was terrible I am glad that it's over.  When I woke up on Saturday morning I felt.....better.  Still, obviously, very very sad.  But relieved that the worst was over and I had survived.

I got my HCG level checked yesterday and it was at 1800.  I'm not sure how I feel about this.  Compared to where it had to have been this is obviously a big decrease.  And I'm hoping now that the actual miscarriage has happened it will decrease quickly.  I do feel confident that there's nothing left that I would need a D&C for or that would keep those levels from decreasing.  After Friday night I'm not sure how there could be anything left.  CCRM sent me orders to get it checked again next Wed.  My nurse there (Cindy for anyone at CCRM) has been absolutely wonderful.  Before we can move forward the level needs to return to below 5 and I need to have a period.  They also ordered a Repeated Pregnancy Loss panel that I got blood drawn for yesterday.  It will take a couple days to get those results.  And honestly I'll be shocked if anything comes back abnormal.  My gut tells me my shitty eggs are the main issue but I'm glad they are running the tests anyway.

If someone could tell me that I need donor eggs or a surrogate to get our baby I'm at the point where I would happily embrace either of those options. And while I'm not ready to give up I do wonder how much more disappointment we can take without breaking.  Unfortunately I don't think we'll truly know if we need to go either of those routes until we cycle at CCRM.  Which really just amounts to a lot more time and money.  Due to the prior mentioned shitty eggs the plan at CCRM is their egg banking "Family Building Plan".  Which is three retrievals (approx. 8 weeks between retrievals) where they freeze the embryos at the 2PN stage.  After the third retrieval they grow all of the embryos out to day 5 and then providing you still have some left, they do their CSS genetic testing.  It's a couple weeks to get those results and then IF you have normals you can start prepping for a transfer.  The entire process takes anywhere from 6 - 9 months depending on your protocol, potential set backs (cyst, delayed periods, etc).  For the last 2 + years after every disappointment I've comforted myself that if I could just fast forward a year form now this will all be over.  At this point in time I'm pretty confident that a year from now this will not be behind us.  And that, my friends, is a very depressing thought.

So more of the same here - waiting.   D is now completely freaked out about us getting pregnant naturally.  He is 100% against that and feels we need to be very cautious.  I'm not sure how I feel about that.  No I do not want to go through this again AT ALL.  But I also have a hard time stomaching purposely preventing pregnancy.  I'm just not sure what the right answer is here.  Which seems to be a common theme in my life right now.  Thank you to all of you for your concern and your kind words.  You were all the light in the darkest of times this past week.

Believing the Unbelievable

I've been thinking about writing this post for over 3 weeks now.  Actually if I'm being honest I've been dreaming of writing this update for over 2  years.  But let me start at the beginning.

At my last update we were just starting our calendar for our first CCRM cycle.  After we induced my period with progesterone I was testing for ovulation so we'd know when I could start the estrogen patches for priming.  I started testing on cycle day 9.  The nurse instructed me to test in the morning with second or third morning urine.  I splurged and bought the expensive clear blue easy ovulation tests with the smiley faces.  I've used those before and felt they were much clearer than struggling with the lines on the other tests.  So cycle day 9 nothing, cycle day 10 nothing, cycle day 11 nothing.  Not even the blinking smiley face that leads up to the solid one that indicates ovulation.  Just for kicks I decided to test again on day 11 in the afternoon.  And I got a solid smiley face.  WTH?  How could I go from nothing to ovulating in less than a few hours?  I called CCRM and they basically said to continue testing the next couple days (through the weekend) and to call them back on Monday.  I continued to test but never got another positive reading.  On Monday they sent orders for me to get an u/s to check and see if I had ovulated.  So I went in on June 15th for that ultrasound and it showed that I had, indeed, ovulated.  So YEAH!  I started the estrogen patches and then on cycle day 25 started the ganarelix injections which I took for three days.  I was scheduled to start my period on June 28th.  Of course that didn't happen.  I was in complete panic mode about how that would affect things.  I called my nurse at CCRM right away on Monday morning and she said we could make some adjustments if it starts within a few days.  Then miraculously it started the very next afternoon!  I was so relieved.  I called my nurse right away and we scheduled the suppression check ultrasound for Wed. of that week.  If we were clear of cysts we'd start STIM drugs on Friday and I'd be on a plane to Colorado on Monday morning!  I was still in shock and could not believe this was finally happening!

I went in on Wednesday for the suppression check.  I told the ultrasound tech that I had started my period on Monday afternoon but it had been very light.  I had my orders from CCRM and was so nervous as I've had a cyst before that delayed my cycle.  The ultrasound took FOREVER and once she was finally done she told me to sit tight that the doctor may or may not want to see me.  My heart immediately dropped.   I was certain something was wrong as I never see the doctor during monitoring appointments.  So after a few minutes the u/s tech came back in and told me to get dressed and then she'd take me to a waiting room and the doctor would come talk to me.  By this point I was starting to really freak out.  Did they find something terrible like a big ol' cancerous tumor??  Did my ovaries get eaten by all of the drugs I've taken the last two years and disappear??  I was regretting not having D come with me to the appointment.  I was so freaked out I called him and told him something was wrong.  Right as I was losing it to him on the phone the doctor walked in.  I will never forgot her words as long as I live.  "I have some surprising news - you're pregnant".  I immediately told her that I can't get pregnant that's why I'm there.  She then filled me in on the fact that they had seen a gestational sac in the ultrasound and that it was early but I was indeed pregnant.  I just sat there staring at her in complete shock.  She said that I could go to the lab to get the bloodwork done that CCRM had ordered for me (e2 and progesterone level check) and that they were adding a HCG test to that as well.  At some point I started crying and she said she'd give me a few minutes to pull myself together.  The walk to the lab was a complete blur.  All I could think of is that the ultrasound had to be wrong and the HCG test would prove that.  I gave a high level explanation of what was happening to the girl drawing my blood and she told me that we'd have the results in an hour.  So I left and literally went and sat in my car.  I didn't want to call D back because I didn't know what to say!  So I text him and just told him all was fine.  He totally bought that because I may have a tendency to over react on a regular basis.  As I was sitting there trying to figure out what to do with myself (because obviously there was no WAY I could go back to work) I got a text from my sweet friend Amanda just checking in on me.  Her timing could not have been more perfect.  I completely unloaded on her and even though she had to be in complete shock as well she totally talked me through it.  I called back in an hour and got my HCG level.  They told me it was 4200.  Once again - WHAT?  That was WAY too high.  I asked if they didn't mean 420 and they said no it was definitely 4200.  After a quick consult with Dr. Google we discovered that number was in line with being around 5.5 weeks pregnant and since I had started my period on June 1st and it was currently July 1st we thought I was somewhere around 4.5 weeks.  I called CCRM and gave them the news.  After they received all of the information from my doctor's office here my amazing nurse Cindy (does anyone else have her?!  If you EVER end up at CCRM and are a patient of Dr. Schoolcraft requrest this woman!  She is an angel sent from heaven specifically for all of us infertiles).  Cindy was completely ecstatic for me while also managing to be cautious.  She told me her initial thoughts were that with a HCG level that high they should have seen more than just a gestational sac.  She felt as if a fetal pole and yolk sac should have been present.  CCRM's protocol was to wait a week and have another ultrasound done.  After I got off the phone with her I went and bought a pregnancy test.  I had to see it with my own eyes.  I got one of the digital ones that says pregnant and then tells you in weeks how far along you are.  I knew taking it in the middle of the day vs. first morning would probably affect the results but I just had to see.  Sure enough it came up pregnant and said 2-3 weeks (which is from conception, not from your last period). Even after all of this I was still in denial.  I was finally starting to believe I was actually pregnant but I also knew that there was a disconnect between the HCG level and the ultrasound.  I finally went home to wait for D.  When he walked in the house I told him that I figured out why I had been feeling so awful the last week or so (I had been SO moody, emotional, and three mornings in a row was so nauseous I couldn't even eat breakfast - I had chalked it up to the estrogen patches).  I showed him the test and he just looked at it blankly.  He finally said "I don't get it".  When I told him I was pregnant it was with my usual "cautiously optimistic" attitude.  Yes I was pregnant but this was still me.  And of course it couldn't be cut and dry.  I explained everything that happened and told him that basically all we could do is wait for the ultrasound to see if things were progressing.  Neither one of us smiled or laughed.  We didn't celebrate.  We were both crippled with fear.  This was everything we've been wanting, dreaming of, right in front of us.  Could we really be this lucky?  It just didn't seem likely.

So the next morning when I got to work I decided to call my OBGYN to inform her of what was going on (I was being monitored for CCRM at the local hospital since it's right next door to my work and super convenient).  Once I filled in the receptionist she said that she would let my doctor know and someone would call me back.  I guess I should also mention that my OBGYN is A-MAZING.  She has an IVF baby herself and she completely "gets" it.  She called me back HERSELF in just a little over an hour and said why don't I come in tomorrow morning.  So I made an appointment for Friday morning.  When she walked in the exam room she happily hugged and congratulated me.  I immediately corrected her and explained that the HCG numbers and the ultrasound weren't adding up.  She quickly dismissed my concerns and told me that she had a patient with an HCG level of 16,000 and they couldn't see anything in the ultrasound.  She said that every person and every pregnancy is different.  Then she asked if it would provide some comfort if we did another ultrasound on Monday.  After I burst into tears I finally told her that would be amazing.  So she had them draw some blood and then told me to come back on Monday and we'd draw again and do the sono.  For whatever reason surviving the weekend knowing we'd have an answer first thing Monday morning was WAY easier than waiting until Thursday like CCRM ordered me to do.  The weekend passed in a blur of nerves and fears and Monday came quicker than I thought was possible.  As D and I sat in the waiting room I was literally shaking.  We had talked it to death and were prepared for any outcome.  We had chosen to look at this as a "bonus" opportunity and were taking it as a good sign.  I got pregnant.  On my own.  If this worked than we were one of the lucky ones.  If not, then we'd continue to move forward with our CCRM plan.  We saved the money, we knew our odds, and if this didn't work out it changed nothing.  When they called us back to the sono room I thought we both were going to throw up before we made it.  The tech introduced herself and started to explain that being only 5 weeks along we most likely wouldn't be able to see much.  I quickly filled her in on the situation and watched as her expression turned serious.  I found myself reassuring her that we were prepared either way and just ready for some answers.  Once we got started she turned the screen and with a very relieved voice quickly pointed out the baby to us.  She did some quick measurements and the baby was measuring right at 6 weeks on the dot.  6 weeks!!  WHAT the WHAT?  Then she got super excited and said that she could even see the tiny flickering of the baby's heart.  I was still recovering from the 6 week shock and evidently was squeezing D's hand so hard he had to tap me on the shoulder so I'd release some pressure.  When I turned and looked at him I saw the biggest smile EVER on his face.  The tech kept asking us if we saw the heart beat.  We both said yes even though we confided in each other that neither of us could really see it.  All that mattered was that SHE saw it!  I got dressed and my OB was waiting outside the door for me with a huge hug.  She took me back to an exam room and we had our first official appointment.  Since I was a new OB patient for her she said she wanted me to come back in 1-2 weeks for another appointment.  I asked if we'd do another sono and she said we could if that would ease my anxiety.  Seriously I would have kissed this woman if she would have come close enough!  So I made the appointment for the middle of the following week knowing there was no way I'd make it two weeks but trying to make it longer than one.  We were on cloud nine for the rest of Monday and actually most of Tues.  By Wednesday the fear had set back in and on Thurs. afternoon I was having some cramping.  I left work a little early and went home and took a nap and it seemed to improve.  Friday I decided to work from home and the cramping started up first thing in the morning.  Around lunchtime I finally broke down and called the doctor's office.  I know some mild cramping is normal but this was definitely more than mild.  The nurse at my doctor's office said she was delivering a baby and they don't have a sono tech on Fridays anyway.  She instructed me to drink a lot of water, stay in bed, and if they became severe to go to the ER.  We contemplated going several times but when push came to shove I knew there was nothing they could do to STOP it if I was miscarrying so I chose just to stay in bed and take it easy.  By Friday night the cramps had definitely gotten better.  Saturday I just had a couple of small episodes.  Sunday and Monday I felt GREAT.  Which only worried me more.  Monday afternoon I called my doctor's office to see if they could move my Wed. appointment up to Tues morning.  They shifted some things around and were able to get me in at 10am on Tues. Sitting in the waiting room that morning felt the same but also different than the week before.  Before we were both still in shock and denial I think.  After seeing the baby and being told it's heart was beating we were far more invested than the week before.  We were both too nervous to even speak in the waiting room.  We just sat there clutching hands.  They called  us back and I felt like I was on an episode of Groundhog Day when I told the cheerful tech that I had some significant cramping last week and we were very worried.  However this time as soon as the wand was inserted and the baby came into focus you  could CLEARLY see it's tiny heartbeat going so fast.  Huge sigh of relief and some tears on my part.  The baby's heartbeat was 129 which they said was great.  At 7 weeks it's typically supposed to be between 90-110 and at 8 weeks between 120 and 160.  We were 7 weeks 1 day at that point.  She was trying to get some measurements but the way the baby was situated in the sac was really hard.  The measurements came in at 6 weeks 5 days so behind schedule.  The tech nor the doctor were concerned since the heart beat was strong and the baby wasn't really cooperating.  So more celebrations in the office (seriously can I just move in there for the duration of this?).  We went over all of the first trimester screening options and she said to come back at 10 weeks and we'd do the blood work for that.  D just flat out said "She's not going to make it until then".  My wonderful, caring, amazing doctor just laughed and said how about you come back in two weeks and we'll do another ultrasound.  Seriously I may leave D for this woman.  I'm not sure I've ever loved another human this much.  So...here we are.  They are telling me I am 8 weeks 2 days pregnant.  There's still a huge part of me that can NOT believe this is happening.  Obviously I'm still terrified.  I have at least one major breakdown per day.  But I also have fleeting moments of hope and happiness.  This is further than we've ever gotten before.  Three retrievals, five transfers of 8 total embryos.  One chemical and one miscarriage.  During that pregnancy my beta started SO low (12, 59, then 177).  At the 7 week ultrasound there was nothing there.  I most likely miscarried soon after the third beta. But here we are.  We are THAT couple.  The one that conceives on their own after YEARS of treatment and trying.  It seems completely impossible.  This is the kind of stuff that happens to everyone BUT me.  And while I'm hopeful, I really truly am, I still can't force myself to let my guard down.  We all know what it feels like to know too much, to want this SO bad.  And honestly the only ending I"m familiar with is the bad ones.  I know how to keep trying.  I know how to prep myself physically and emotionally for the drugs, the side effects, the stress.  What I don't know is how to be pregnant.  It's something I'm praying I can learn.

*~*~*~*DISCLOSURE - If you know me in real life we are obviously not ready to tell ANYONE this news yet so we ask that you please keep it to yourself ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Just Keep Swimming

Hi remember Me?  I feel like those of you who follow me will see this come up in your news feed and be like "Who's that girl?!".  And I totally wouldn't blame you.  I have unintentionally taken a hiatus from blogging.  No big reason.  Well...maybe that's not 100% true.  I guess I can admit that I've felt a little left behind lately.  That on top of the fact that there really hasn't been much to say led to the hiatus.  I mean how many times can I whine about the waiting and how bad all of this sucks.  You guys all know.  You get it.  However I finally spent some time catching up on all of your blogs and even though I am still feeling a little left behind I'm also feeling so much hope and happiness for those of you who have found success.  I mean there has been some crazy awesome stuff happening to some pretty special ladies.  Most of whom fought this battle longer than I have.  So...renewed hope combined with a little bit of progress in my world = news worthy of a blog post!

So this CCRM thing...... it's really happening.  My last cycle was ridiculous.  Something like 52 days and I only got my period because we induced it.  I have no idea what's going on with my body other than it's been on a lot of hormones for 2+ years and is basically just jacked up.  As a quick recap I had my ODWU with CCRM in April.  This appointment has be between when you stopped bleeding but before ovulation.  I proactively brought my day 3 blood work with me because the AWESOME facebook group I joined online gave me the heads up that I could save myself a month if I brought it with.  However the results were inconclusive  So after my appt. in Colorado I still needed to wait until I started my period again to have the blood work re-done before we could get our protocol.  Once again with the thought of saving time in the future I scheduled my beta 3 integrin test for the month of April (it has to be done between 9-11 days after ovulation).  Those results came back inconclusive as well.  Actually it came back "out of phase" which means even though I got a positive result on the ovulation stick my uterine tissue was saying that it wasn't the right time.  Super.  Frustrating.  Then I waited forever for my period which never came and we induced it with progesterone and I think they just felt sorry for me and finally agreed to just give me my calendar.  So we were able to schedule our regroup with Dr. Schoolcraft and he was......fine.  Honestly I know everyone says he can be kind of a jerk but my experience with him so far as been good.  He doesn't volunteer a bunch of additional information but he answers all my questions and I never feel rushed.  He basically said that there were no red flags from our ODWU.  My hysteroscopy and uterus looked "great" and the partially blocked tube isn't a issue since fluid isn't flowing back into my uterus.  He was optimistic about my AFC (16) and felt like based upon my past response he wanted to put me on protocol 3.  For you non-CCRMer's that is what they like to call their "poor responder" protocol.  It's not much different from what I did at my local clinic with the exception of there will be no BCP or Lupron for suppression.  Instead I'll be using estrogen patches to "prime" and we'll begin stims right after my period starts.  I feel like this protocol moves FAST since I'm used to the long lupron cycles.  So I'll start the patches on Wed. along with Cetrotide injections on Thurs.  I should start my period on Sunday and then have an u/s and blood work on the 1st and if every thing is good begin stim meds on the 2nd.  We'll travel to Colorado the next week and be monitored every day and then depending on how it goes we should be ready for retrieval that weekend or the beginning of the following week.

I think for us the biggest decision at CCRM is deciding if we are going to do the Family Building Program which is their embryo banking.  Dr. Schoolcraft didn't bring it up in our regroup but I asked him about it and he said based on my previous cycles he felt like that was a good idea.  How it works is it's 3 retrievals in a row (well it's about 8 weeks in between with waiting on your period and priming).  They retrieve your eggs and fertilize them and freeze them at the 2PN stage.  Then after your third retrieval they thaw everything and let them all grow to Day 5.  At that point they do the CCS genetic testing on the embryos that have made it to blast and freeze everything again.  It takes a couple weeks to get the results and then you can start prepping for a FET providing that you have "normal" embryos to transfer.  I've heard the entire process takes anywhere from 6 - 9 months.  Ouch.  So basically we are looking at not being able to transfer until 2016.  Once again....Ouch.  You guys all know how brutal the waiting is.  However based upon my research and conversations with others I was expecting this.  So while I wasn't completely devastated by the news it's still a hard pill to swallow.
As of right now I think we've decided that is our plan.  The hope being we'll suck it up and do this and this will be the last time we'll ever have to do retrievals.  We are praying that we get enough normals to at least get one take home baby....possibly even two.  And then it's all worth it right?

I'd be lying if I said I'm not secretly hoping for great numbers and the possibility that we could only have to do 2 retrievals vs. the 3.  If we could get results similar to my last cycle at my local clinic I think we'd definitely be in that boat.  But I'm also super nervous about how I"m going to respond to this new protocol, not to mention that I haven't done a retrieval in 9 months.  What if my body has forgotten how to make eggs?!  There's all sorts of fears that come along with trying something new but I just have to keep reminding myself of all the reasons we chose to come to CCRM in the first place.

One day at a time.  One foot in front of the other.  Just.  Keep.  Swimming.

Cycle Day.....I lost count.

Today is cycle day.....38?!  WTF?  I have no idea what is going on. I waited until I was four days late and then took a test thinking that as soon as I did that I would start. The test was negative and I didn't start. I took a second one when I was 7 days late. Could not have been more negative. Finally on Tuesday I called my CCRM nurse. She sent me orders for bloodwork to test my estrogen, progesterone, and of course HCG levels to try and figure out what's going on in my cycle. I guess I could have a cyst but since I haven't been on any drugs since March that seems weird. I'm still waiting to hear back on those results. 

So I'm still here. Just waiting. As usual. 

Long Over "Due"......

I just couldn't resist using the quotes in the title since I'm obviously not "due" with anything.  Just trying to keep the humor in this situation because obviously what else can you do?

So I'm sorry I've been MIA.  Life has been CRAZY and not exactly great lately.  The last month or so has been pretty rough as D (my husband) is really struggling.  He's been so awesome throughout this entire process.  So supportive and positive and definitely the rock in our relationship.  However after this last failure (3 fresh cycles, and 5 transfers) it seems it's just all really hit him hard.  When we started our 3rd fresh cycle coming off an early miscarriage and a failed FET we knew that if it didn't work CCRM was our backup plan.  I think it helped both of us knowing what our next step would be.  However it's clear now that he never believed it would come to that.  And now that it has he's really struggling with a lot of the feelings and emotions that I had much earlier on.  I know he's depressed and pretty bitter and angry about the situation.  All of which is perfectly normal.  But it's been SO difficult to watch him struggle.  It's truly one of the hardest parts of this whole mess - is seeing him hurting.  But after all he's done for me and gotten me through I know it's my turn to do the same for him.  It's my turn to be the positive person and carry us through this.

All that being said we are making progress with CCRM.  We went out for our One Day Work Up and survived.  It was INTENSE - just like everyone warned me it would be.  And sadly Dr. Schoolcraft was out of the office that day so we didn't get to meet him in person.  We did have a brief one-on-one with Dr. Surrey who I LOVED.  It was obvious that he took the time to read our file and he answered the few questions we did have and was very optimistic about our case.  He performed my hysteroscopy and while I technically won't get any of the results from all of our tests that day until my phone follow up with Dr. Schoolcraft, he did tell me that everything looked "normal".  So that was reassuring.  I also passed my Doppler ultrasound with flying colors and my AFC (antral follicle count) was 16!  Guys that's almost normal (WTH???).  So that was all pretty promising.  The one issue we did discover was during my HSG.  I've never had that test done before and turns out one of my tubes is "partially" blocked.  The dye didn't flow through during the procedure but once I stood up and moved around and they did the final x-ray we could see that it did flow through.  I'm not really sure what that means for us moving forward.  The nurse was able to tell me that the one thing they are looking for in the HSG (related to IVF) is when the fluid flows BACK into the uterus.  This did not happen so I'm not sure if they will even want to do anything about that tube or just leave it be.  That's information we'll get at the follow up call.  D also gave a sperm sample that day and we got tons of blood work drawn.  And attended CCRM orientation and signed a billion forms.  That was pretty much the day!  So all in all not terrible and one more thing off our list.

I had some to-do's to take home with me and get done.  I needed an updated pap, a full physical, lab work to test for immunizations, my TSH, and some other levels (Vitamin D??).  In addition Dr. Schoolcraft also wanted me to do the beta 3 integrity test.  I had to test with ovulation sticks for my LH surge (which surprisingly hit right on schedule on Day 14 of my cycle).  Then the test needs to be done 9-11 days later.  Today was day 10 and I had the biopsy this morning.  It was NOT pleasant but it's done and I took my piece of tissue and shipped it off via second day Fed Ex.  (I text my best friend and told her I was just cruising to Fed Ex with tissue from my uterus riding shotgun.....this is my life).  So that's one more big to-do crossed off the list.  The last thing remaining is my Day 3 blood draw.  So once I start my period I'll get that drawn and they will spin it and I have a special kit to ship it to CCRM who will run the tests in their lab.  We've tentatively scheduled our phone follow up with Dr. Schoolcraft for May 6th since I should start my period this weekend and that would allow me to get the blood drawn and shipped out there.  I'm super nervous/anxious for that meeting.  If they don't want to do any further tests I should get my protocol recommendation from him that day and potentially my calendar!  If he decides he wants to do surgery on that tube or anything else there will obviously be more delays.  I am just really hoping we can do at least the retrieval this summer as D is off (he's a teacher) so would be free to come to Colorado with me for the entire 7-10 days.

So.....that's where we are!  Overall I've been impressed with CCRM and I'm feeling hopeful.  Obviously I'm scared that we won't get a lot of eggs and none of the embryos will make it day 5, which they need to in order to do the CCS testing.  Then if we do have some that make it we won't have any that are normal.  But I remind myself that CCRM has the best lab in the country which gives our embryos the best chance.  And I *think* we are capable of producing genetically normal embryos since the crappy Day 3 testing we did proved that (even through it probably fatally damaged the embryos in the process).  I guess the hardest part is knowing this is the end of the road for us.  Before when we were cycling locally we always had CCRM in our back pocket.  Now that we are here where does that leave us if this doesn't work??  Those are the fears that keep me up at night.

And while this past month or so has been rough we've also had some good times.  We attended Opening Day for the Cubs at Wrigley Field with FREE tickets from my work and had a great time.  We also celebrated another anniversary and felt much love and support from family and friends on that milestone.  And while it's been really tough to watch D struggle I know when this is all over we'll be stronger because of it.  We've already gotten through so much and while it hasn't been easy we are still fighting this battle together and on the same page.  In the anniversary card that he got me he wrote "All I need to know is that we'll be together forever".  And that, my friends, is what it's all about.

The Reality

First off thanks to all of you who made the effort to find my new blog home.  I've heard so many of you talk about friendships that you lost due to your infertility struggle and I'm experiencing that first hand.  It's a different kind of hurt on top of our most recent disappointment.  But such is life I guess.

So here we are at the point I prayed we would never get to.  CCRM.  It was a comfort to me knowing we had worked so hard and saved enough money to go to what is arguable the best fertility clinic in the country.  And having a a backup plan always makes me feel better.  But now that we are here and it's becoming real I feel paralyzed with fear.  Obviously my thoughts jump to what happens if this doesn't work?  What if CCRM discovers something majorly wrong with me?  What if we can't get the number of eggs we did in the past?  What if none of them are genetically normal?  We saved enough money to cover potentially 2 fresh cycles there.....what if we do one and then for some reason we are encouraged to go with donor eggs or a surrogate.  We definitely don't have enough money for that.  I know I'll drive myself crazy thinking of all of the What If's.  But it's hard to shut it off.

That being said I did find the courage to reach out to CCRM to schedule our ODW (one day workup).  For those of you not familiar with their protocol this is a full day of appointments and testing that is the first major step when becoming a patient at CCRM.  They will perform a hysteroscopy, communicable disease blood test for both of us, a semen analysis for D, the antisperm antibody screening, pelvic ultrasound and doppler study of blood flow through my uterus.  Then we'll have a regroup with Dr. Schoolcraft to review the test results and he'll recommend a treatment plan.  My issue is they want to do this appointment sometime between day 4 and 12 of my cycle.  I'm currently waiting to start my period.  I did my last PIO shot on Wed.  I'm hoping to start my period this week but who knows.  CCRM wants to schedule my ODW for Friday April 3rd which  means I need to start by Sunday.  Obviously it adds a whole layer of complexity when you are trying to book flights, hotels, time off work, etc.  So right now we are waiting (boy does that feel familiar).


For those of you who have are/were CCRM patients I'd love to hear from you!  Advice, thoughts, experiences - are all welcome!

Reassurance

Things are creeping along ever so slowly in this FET cycle.  I have my baseline E2 blood test tomorrow and then start the E2V IM shots on Friday.  This will be my 5th transfer but only my second FET.  It's so odd to be in cycle but have it be so low key.

For me this is what my dear friend Amanda calls "the kitchen sink" transfer.  I'm throwing everything I've got at this.  I've been going to acupuncture (even though I hate it), I'm taking the thyroid meds, and I gave up alcohol and caffeine and have been eating clean (pretty strictly) since the beginning of February.  My motto for this cycle is basically if it can't hurt and there's a chance it could help - Go For It.  That being said I wanted to get your thoughts and opinions on some of the old wives tales we hear related to transfer, implantation, etc.  I decided that with the "kitchen sink" transfer maybe I'd do some research into some of these.  I think the most common one we've all heard is the pineapple core after transfer.  I know "they" say it's supposed to help with implantation but I never knew why.  Turns out pineapple, especially the core, contains bromelain which is known to reduce inflammation in the body, including the uterus, and is also a mild blood thinner.  Both of which can be helpful with implantation.  So sticking to my motto this seems like an easy win for me.

Next on the list is Omega 3 Fish Oil.  This supplement is said to help the "quality" of blood in the uterus?  Then there's L Arginine and Zinc.  All I could find on these is that they are supposed to prevent miscarriage and promote implantation.  My prescription prenatal vitamin already contains 15 mg of zinc so I think I'm covered there.   I am curious on if anyone has taken the L Arginine though.

The last one is the Brazil Nuts.  This is another one I had heard about but didn't know the reasoning behind.  Come to find out Brazil Nuts are a good source of Selenium which, once again, prevents miscarriages and promotes implantation.

I'm not naive enough to think that any of these things is the "missing link" to why I've yet to become pregnant and stay pregnant.  But I am curious on what, if any, of these you girls tried and your thoughts and feelings on them.

On a side note I got a very interesting call yesterday that left me with mixed emotions.  It was from CCRM.  You guys know that if this transfer doesn't work our back up plan is CCRM.  We've already sent all our records over and had a phone consult with Dr. Schoolcraft.  I've kept them up-to-date with what's happened the last 5 months (hysteroscopy, Lupron Depot injections, FET scheduled for March).  But I haven't had any communication with them since probably late November.  I got a call yesterday from a Denver phone number and when I answered the phone a wonderful nurse by the name of Katherine was on the other line (any CCRM girls know her?!).  She simply stated they were reaching out because they had it in my file that I was getting ready for my FET and they wanted to wish us luck and see if we had any questions they could help with.  She told me that she hopes not to hear from me but that they are there if we need them.  I was pretty impressed and the call definitely made me feel like more than just a number to them.  And while it felt very reassuring to know that we have a great plan in place and are ready to move forward right away if need be, it also made me second guess my certainty about the potential success of this upcoming cycle.  I've been working so hard at being positive and truly believing that this is going to work.  I'm not sure how much I really believe in the power of positive thinking, but once again, it can't hurt.  And receiving that very nice phone call had me questioning if that was God's way of preparing me for another failure.  Obviously I'm probably reading WAY too far into things and should just stick with the initial feelings of reassurance from the phone call.  But you girls know better than anyone what a cluster f*ck your mind becomes with all the hormones, emotions, hope, and fears.

So that's where I'm at.  I feel like this post was a jumbled up mess but since that's kind of how I'm feeling I guess it's fitting.

The Shades of Gray

Okay get your mind out of the gutter.  This is NOT a post about 50 Shades of Gray.  (although I'll admit to reading the books and could probably write a pretty entertaining post about them!)  It's about the shades of gray that lie between black and white.  And opinions that vary between experts.

I think I mentioned to all of you that my clinic has a new doctor.  I'm excited about this for a couple reasons.  #1 - she's a woman.  I like this.  #2 - she provides a fresh perspective to my case.  As most of you know we had a phone consult with CCRM and if the outcome of this next FET (with our last 2 frozen embryos) is not successful we will be packing our bags for Colorado.  However, since we still have the 2 embryos we opted to see them through first, before moving on to a new clinic.

That being said, it was great timing when Dr. Emmi joined our clinic.  I had a bad moment when Nurse Jenny informed me that I needed to re-do ALL of my initial testing since it has been 18 months since I started at the clinic.  That was hard to hear.  Obviously I fully envisioned at least graduating from the clinic by this point, if not holding our baby in my arms. (oh how naive I was!).  But since that's obviously not the case we went ahead and took the 8 tubes of blood for all of the consultation tests.  When we did this the first time the only number I was informed of was my FSH since it was elevated.  They told me that the rest of my levels came back within the normal range and I never pressed for the exact numbers.  This time I got the call that my thyroid level was a little high and they wanted to re-test it to determine if Dr. Emmi would treat me for that during cycle.  I did some research and came up with mixed results (shocking I know).  Basically you aren't considered to have hypothyroidism (under active) unless your TSH levels are over 5.5. However there is an ongoing controversy among RE's and more and more of the experts are proclaiming that the normal range needs to be revised to .3 to 3.0.  After reading all of this information I was anxious to get retested if only so I could find out how "high" my level was.  I went in this morning for the blood draw and Nurse Jenny told me that my TSH from last week came back at 3.2.  She confirmed that Dr. H just wanted to see levels under 4, but Dr. Emmi wanted to see them under 3.  Interesting.

Now we wait to see what the re-test comes back as.  Jenny seemed to think if it was under 3.0 she won't treat me but if it's over that, even in slightest, she will most likely put me on meds.  Either way it's refreshing to have that new perspective and feel as if someone is really examining my case.

I start suppression meds next week and then we'll really get this party started.  I'm so looking forward to crossing off the days until transfer.  No I don't ENJOY giving myself shots but at least it feels like we are doing something more than waiting.  Our last transfer (which resulted in a chemical) was in Aug.  In some ways that feels SO long ago and in others I'm shocked that it's been 5 months.  Now that the wait is almost over I'm glad that we did the procedures and the Lupron Depot.  I'm hopeful that my body will be in the best condition for this transfer.  And I'm praying that  9 months from now I'll be holding one (or both!) of those little embryos in my arms.

Roller Coaster

This week has been a complete roller coaster of emotions.  Thanks to all of you who reached out with advice or to check and see how the consult with Dr. Schoolcraft went.  I can honestly say I was pleasantly surprised.  I think I had prepared myself for the worse based on everyone's input.  I'm not sure if I caught him on a good day or if I just pumped him up to be SO harsh in my mind that he couldn't live up to it :)  Either way I'm happy to report back that he was very helpful and patient with us.  As many of you had warned me he wouldn't talk protocol with me at all.  But he did say based on my file he felt "optimistic" that he could help us.  Obviously that opinion will be influenced by my ODW (one day workup) and the results of the tests CCRM would run.  He did say that for us he'd like to also run the Beta-3 Integrin test as well as Karyotype (Chromosome Analysis) for both D and myself.  For me the main thing (and most disturbing) that I got out of the conversation was his explanation of their genetic testing.  At CCRM they do CCS testing on your embryos on day 5.  Then they are frozen and your transfer is a FET.  At my local clinic when we did genetic testing with our last cycle they took the biopsies on Day 3 and we had the results on Day 5 for a fresh transfer.  It was nice not to have to wait another month for transfer but the information that Dr. Schoolcraft shared with me on the Day 3 testing was very concerning.  He basically said when you choose a cell to biopsy on Day 3 the embryos are only composed of between 6-8 cells.  And there's no way to distinguish between the cells that are going to be the baby and the cells that will develop into the placenta.  If they end up taking one of the cells that is destined to be the baby then they are FATALLY damaging the embryo.  Yeah, you read that right.  What this means for us is our grade 1 "perfect" embryo that we transferred last cycle very well could have been damaged due to the testing.  And the two remaining that we have frozen could be the same story.  Wow.

Now while obviously I was VERY upset by this, the small silver lining (if I'm forced to find one) is I was certain there must be something seriously wrong with me in my uterus for our genetically normal grade 1 embryo not to result in a pregnancy.  But basically Dr. S was saying that he thinks it was the damage from the biopsy.  Which also explains why two of our "normal" embryos never developed to the blastocyst stage and arrested.  At CCRM they do their genetic testing on day 5 when the embryo consists of around 60 cells and the outer ones are clearly visible as the "placenta" cells.  He backed this logic up with a series of studies that were done by an independent company.  Ouch.

We wrapped up the conversation by him recommending that we move forward with transferring our two remaining embryos and to call to schedule my ODW if that cycle is unsuccessful.  Which brings me to meeting #2 of this week.  My post-op follow up with Dr. H  from my hysteroscopy at my local clinic.

I thought a lot about what to say (or not to say) to Dr. H. regarding what I had learned from CCRM.  I ultimately decided not to bring up the genetic testing with him.  1.  What's done is done.  2.  I'm sure he has his own studies and logic about why they would do testing on day 3, and honestly no matter what he told me I wasn't going to buy it.  I recognize that there's still a good chance that they biopsied a "placenta" cell in our 2 frozen embies and if that was the case then they would be "normal" embryos that could result in a pregnancy and God willing our take home baby.  However if this cycle is unsuccessful we've already decided to move forward with CCRM as soon as possible.

So when I met with Dr. H he showed me the pictures from my hysteroscopy of the two small fibroids he found and removed.  This part I was prepared for because he had told me about them right after the procedure.  The part I wasn't prepared for was him to tell me that there was "inflammation" in my uterus.  Based on that he wants to throw me into menopause for a month using  a Lupron Depo injection.  So all those thoughts from the night before about how it might not be my uterus went out the window.  On top of that obviously a month of menopause would push our transfer from Dec. to Jan.  Sigh.  I realize in the big scheme of things one month is nothing.  But it's still hard to swallow.

I've talked to a couple other girls who have gone down this path with the Lupron Depo and both were successful in their next transfers.  I'd be interested to hear from the rest of you if you have any thoughts or input.

So roller coaster of emotions.  I'm just trying to remind myself to take it one day at a time.

The Back Up Plan

If you've been following my blog for a while most of you have figured out that I'm a girl who loves a plan.  Not only plan A, but I prefer to have plan B and C on the back burner ready to go.  I know some people view this as being a pessimist and I've even had people say that looking beyond and planning for the next cycle could negatively affect the outcome of my current cycle.  But for me it eases my anxiety to know in my mind what our next step will be.  It gives me hope to know that we can/will keep moving forward regardless.  That being said I am praying so hard that this FET in December results in our take home baby.  I am NOT discounting this cycle and am hopeful that our prayers will be answered.  But it's my nature to look ahead which is why we have our phone consult with Dr. Schoolcraft at CCRM tonight.  

I think I am as prepared as I can be for our meeting.  I have my list of questions and also the knowledge not to really expect any answers at this point.  I've basically come to terms with the fact that this is the first step of many IF we decide to/have to go down this road. 

Tomorrow we have our post-op meeting with Dr. H from my hysteroscopy.  I looked and realized that I never posted about our phone conversation a couple days after surgery.  He informed me he did find and remove two small fibroids during the hysteroscopy.  He biopsied both of them and they came back fine.  While I have a small amount of hope that removing them and cleaning out my uterus could help, I've definitely learned enough to know that I don't think they were the real cause of our issues.  For now I'm looking forward to getting a fresh perspective on our case and hoping for the best.  Big thanks to Jessah  and Aubrey for their CCRM insight!  

Thoughts and prayers with Allison, her family, and baby Rowen.  And please throw out an extra prayer for my sweet Amanda and Suzanne who both have exciting events happening this week!  Sending you both love and support.