Endless

Time seems endless these past few days.  I haven't been able to bring myself to go to work so I've been working from home yesterday and today.  I started bleeding yesterday, which was both a relief and a terrible, terrible (emotional) pain.  Waiting for it to happen was it's own form of torture but enduring it is another.  I spoke with my nurse yesterday and we set up a follow up appointment with our doctor for tomorrow morning.  Nurse Jenny thinks that he'll want to do some other testing (possibly genetic testing on D and I to make sure that we aren't too close of a match to form healthy embryos) and maybe a hysteroscopy.  She claims they have great success with pregnancies after that surgery.  I feel like that may be the case in unexplained infertility but they've also said that my uterus is "beautiful" so I don't really think that is the problem.  Honestly I haven't thought much about next steps.  I'm not ready to give up, but haven't had the heart or the hope to actually think about where we go from here.  We do have 1 frozen embryo.  It made it to 5 day blast and is a grade 2.  However after transferring 3 and not having it work out, transferring one seems almost like a waste of time to me.  I guess we will just see what he says.

I'm having a really hard time talking to anyone who knew about the pregnancy.  In fact, I didn't speak to anyone until Sunday.  Then I finally called my best friend and my mom.  Up until then I'd only been communicating through text message.  It's just such a lonely feeling.  And everyone is so sad and so concerned about us.  While I appreciate that I can barely handle my own sadness, much less everyone else's.  I feel like the weight of it all is crushing me.  D's mom wanted to come on Saturday and I told her I wasn't ready to see anyone.  Same with my parents.  I just feel like there's no one who can truly relate to what I'm going through.  My two best friends both have children and while one of them did endure a miscarriage, she now has 3 beautiful children of her own.  Not to mention she never had a problem getting pregnant at all.   Somehow I'm sure this would be easier to endure if I knew that I would be able to get pregnant again easily.  Instead I sit here wondering if we'll ever have a baby, what I did to deserve this, why this is happening to us, and when, if ever, it's going to end.  We are definitely running out of options, time, and money and it seems so hopeless.  I was just so ready to put this behind us.  And now starting all over just seems so overwhelming and exhausting.

I know I need to find a way to return to the real world.  I emailed my boss and told him about our appointment tomorrow and that my plan was to come into work after that.  Which the thought of actually doing that makes me sick to my stomach.  But logically I know I can't just hide out forever.  Life goes on and I have to find a way to keep living it.  My only salvation has been my husband.  I've been a clingy, crying, mess for the last four days and he's been my rock.  I know he's sad and struggling with his own emotions but he's somehow managed to put them aside to focus on me.  He is the one thing in this world that is keeping me going.  How I love that man.  How I long to give him a child........