Torture

This is my fifth embryo transfer.  I'm not exactly what you would call a newbie. Having been through it 4 other times I was fully aware how awful the wait until beta would be. You'd think it would get easier or I'd be more prepared. But that's not the case. It seems this has been the hardest of the 2ww's for me.

I'll back up to transfer since I never posted about that. It went as well as we could have hoped for.  My lining looked great and my bladder was perfectly full. My clinic is using some new catheters for transfers and it was a straight shot that resulted in perfect placement according to my RE. I laid flat for 20 min afterwards and then D and I headed home. Our transfer wasn't until almost 3pm in the afternoon. Once we finally got home I was feeling pretty sleepy from the Valium and slept for basically the rest of the day and night. 

I stayed home from work the next day and spent it in bed just watching movies and relaxing. I got up to make my meals and go to the bathroom but that was it. I finally showered around dinner time after it had been 24 hours since transfer.  The next day I worked from home relaxing on the couch. I did have an acupuncture appointment as well and then ran a few errands before coming home and spending the night watching movies with D. The rest of the weekend I resumed normal activities except for working out. I did go on a couple short walks. 

That being said mentally I'm suffering. I've been trying so hard to stay positive but it is just so hard. I've had cramping basically every day after transfer day. I'm currently 4dp5dt so the embryo(s) should have implanted by now if they were going to.  I've had no sign of implantation bleeding (I did have this with my early miscarriage pregnancy). I've felt a little nauseous but with it being so early I think it's safe to say that's nerves. My boobs are bigger and I've been having a tingly feeling but they aren't painful and with the amount of progesterone I'm pumping in me that can be accounted for. 

I had a mini breakdown today to D where I just couldn't stop crying.  I broke down and consulted Dr Google and was actually comforted by reading other girls who had lots of cramping and got BFP. I've also been bloated and gassy but I know that's a side effect of the progesterone too. 

So that's where I am.  I'm driving myself crazy, and filled with worry but trying really hard to stay positive. My bets is 8 days after 5 day transfer which seems REALLY soon.  Especially since our transfer was late afternoon and my beta will be first thing that morning. I'm not going to test at home obviously since the beta is so early. If by some miracle I get a positive I thought I might test over the weekend as I wait for beta 2 just to hopefully ease my worries of it increasing. 

Here's the thoughts I keep repeating to myself when I'm overwhelmed with doubt. 

1. We transferred 2 day 5 blasts that were genetically normal on day 3 and continued to grow. Although after talking to CCRM about the day 3 testing I know it can damage the embryos. The fact that these two made it to blast is a good sign they weren't damaged. 

2.  We completed the 2 months of Lupron depot and I had 2 fibroids removed via my hysteroscopy. Technically my uterus *should* be in the best condition that it's ever been. 

3. I added acupuncture, supplements, and tried to eat as clean as possible. I cut alcohol and caffeine over a month prior to transfer. I've taken my meds religiously and haven't messed up adose or forgotten anything. I feel like I did everything I could to ensure success. 

Now all there is left to do is wait and pray. 

The Day.

Well it's here. Transfer day. Lucky number 5. It's a gorgeous spring day here in the MidWest. You can see small signs of life creeping up everywhere. I'm hopeful that's a good omen. 

I'm pretty sure I didn't sleep a wink last night so I've had a lot of time to analyze my feelings. I think it's safe to say I'm equal parts excited and terrified. But there's also a good chunk of gratitude mixed in as well. This week I've been showered with love, prayers, and tokens from family and friends showing me how much we are loved and cared for. I'll walk into transfer today with reminders of all of the wonderful people who are rooting for us and our two little babies. I'll carry with me symbols of that love and support and will find comfort and hope. 

This morning I received a special last minute gift from a cherished friend. As I mentioned I didn't sleep at all last night so when D finally got up for work I was scrolling through blogs reading posts from your transfer days.  As always I found comfort in your words and knowing I am not alone. But something still felt "off". My friend arrived at my doorstep this morning before her work day to drop off a gift. 

 

I've been looking for a daily devotional and just haven't found one that's the right fit. Everyone's faith is so personal and unique. For me I struggle to feel a connection with "bible speak". While there is absolutely passages that speak to my heart I sometimes struggle with finding the true meaning of verses or feeling a connection. I get the most out of a service if the speaker is in front of me, and relatable. Someone who I would enjoy having a non religious conversation with.  Someone who can take the stories of the bible and place them in my life. I'm not sure I've ever expressed those thoughts to my friend but maybe she just knows me well enough to understand. 

As I was flipping through the devotional I came to a section entitled "When I'm feeling Overwhelmed". Since that seemed fitting I began flipping through the devotionals and came upon this 

This sums up exactly how I'm feeling in this moment. And I feel so much comfort and peace having this prayer. Regardless of what happens with this cycle I know that He won't leave me alone. And that even when I don't have the words He hears my prayers. He knows my heart. And He will help me face whatever comes next. 

So Transfer Day. Lucky number 5. Our last two frozen embryos. Our Hail Mary, kitchen sink cycle. Could this be it?  Could those imperfectly perfect day 5 blasts turn into the child(ren) we've been praying for. I really think it could.  

Only one way to know

I had my cycle day 9 blood work and ultrasound this morning.  I woke up feeling pretty good but the closer I got to the clinic the  more nervous I got.  They must have a big cycle this month because it was busy even right at 8am this morning and I waited a LONG time for my ultrasound.  So long in fact that when the doctor finally got into my exam room my bladder had filled up and she made me go and empty it so she could get a better image.  Envision me darting to the bathroom with the paper cover wrapped around me like a toga.  Seriously I've lost any sense of modesty I had a long time ago, so whatever.  Take 2 for the ultrasound and everything looked "perfect"  My endometrium looked "beautiful" and my lining was measuring at 8mm.  While this is obviously great news it makes me.....uncomfortable when they use words like perfect and beautiful.  Mostly I think because it raises your expectations of the chances of success.  They've used these words before and here I am on transfer #5 so obviously it's no guarantee.  But definitely better than the alternative so we'll go with it.
Tonight we start the PIO injections in addition to the estrogen I'll do tonight and Tuesday night.  Transfer is set for Wednesday and they scheduled  me in the afternoon.  I have the whole day off from work so I'm looking forward to sleeping in and relaxing before we head in.  I have an acupuncture appointment set up for Tues. evening and then Friday morning.  I'll be on bed rest the day after transfer.  And that, my friends, is the plan.

My feelings are pretty much all over the board.  I'm definitely excited and hopeful about the transfer.  But I'm also terrified.  I mentioned before that I'm having a hard time trying to figure out how on earth I'm going to survive this 2ww.  It just seems unimaginable.  And of course then my head goes to how I'm going to cope if we aren't successful.  It's sounds so terrifying to me it almost makes me not want to go through with it.  But I know that I'm stronger than I think I am.  I've proved that to myself over and over again.  I know the world will not end if this transfer doesn't work.  Our journey of trying to have a baby won't even end.  It will just be extended.  Sigh.  While I'm so ready for it to be over and hopeful that this is IT, there's only one way to know.  So...Wednesday.  Let's do this.

Giving Thanks

Wow what a week.  Some are just harder than others and last week was definitely one of those for me for several reason.  First off you all know my amazing friend Amanda.  Stop over and send her some love or say a quick prayer for her and Sam.  It breaks me that her beautiful, amazing heart is broken right now.  I wish there was a way for me to shoulder some of her pain.  But since there's not I ask you to keep them in your prayers and I'll be praying she feels comforted with all of the love we are sending her way.  She is at the top of my list of things I'm thankful for as I'm not sure I could make it down this rocky road without her.

Next on my list is the rest of you beautiful women.  Thanks to everyone who shot me an email, message, or comment to let me know that I'm not the only one who struggles with these fears.  It helps so much to know that I'm not alone.  And it's easy to get overwhelmed in the middle of the night when everything seems so.....well, overwhelming.  D doesn't follow my blog.  He feels like this is my place to air my feelings, vent and basically release.  I often read him your posts and some of mine if I think he'd enjoy it or if it helps to communicate something specific that I'm struggling with.  We talked about my post and of course he said exactly what I needed to hear.  He told me that he loves me for the person that I am and that nothing will change that.  He told me he'd pick me again, every time, even knowing that we'd have to fight this battle.  Most importantly he said that no matter what lengths we have to go to, or the cost, we WILL be parents someday.  God, I love this man 1000 times over.  Thank you Lord for bringing him to me.

Lastly I'm thankful for some good news on this Monday morning.  I had blood work this morning to see how my estrogen level was doing and to re-check my thyroid since I started on the medicine.  My TSH came in at 1.62 today!  (Remember my research showed between 1-2 is the ideal level).  So that is really great news.  They bumped my E2V dosage just a tiny bit and I'll do another injection of that tomorrow.  Then we'll re-check everything again on Friday and make adjustments for that evening injection.  We are on track for transfer next week.  Next week people!!  EEKKK!

Also based on all of your feedback and suggestions from this post I've added L-Arginine, Zinc, and the Omega 3 Fish Oil pills to my daily list.  The clinic has me on a baby aspirin, dexamethasone, the thyroid med, and my prescription prenatal.  I'm still doing the Lupron injections in the morning as well to keep me suppressed.  I've been doing pretty well with the clean eating (okay I had Coldstone Creamery on Sunday....it was a weak moment), and of course no alcohol or caffeine (decaf coffee is for the birds!) and I've been working out 5-6 days a week.

Overall I'm feeling pretty good! While on one hand I am SO ready for this transfer, on the other I'm really struggling with the concept of surviving the 2ww.  We all know how terrible it is and this just feels.....bigger for some reason.  I guess just because there's so much on the line.  If this doesn't work yes we are heading to CCRM but starting from scratch there it will be a long time before we are in a position to cycle again.  I'm so blessed that thanks to us saving our butts off and an amazing bonus check from my work we are in a position financially to move forward right away.  Add that onto my list of things I'm thankful for as well!  So, for now, I'm going to NOT think about CCRM.  I'm going to focus on this transfer in front of us, our two beautiful frozen embryos, and the fact that we know we've done everything in our power to make this a success.

Reassurance

Things are creeping along ever so slowly in this FET cycle.  I have my baseline E2 blood test tomorrow and then start the E2V IM shots on Friday.  This will be my 5th transfer but only my second FET.  It's so odd to be in cycle but have it be so low key.

For me this is what my dear friend Amanda calls "the kitchen sink" transfer.  I'm throwing everything I've got at this.  I've been going to acupuncture (even though I hate it), I'm taking the thyroid meds, and I gave up alcohol and caffeine and have been eating clean (pretty strictly) since the beginning of February.  My motto for this cycle is basically if it can't hurt and there's a chance it could help - Go For It.  That being said I wanted to get your thoughts and opinions on some of the old wives tales we hear related to transfer, implantation, etc.  I decided that with the "kitchen sink" transfer maybe I'd do some research into some of these.  I think the most common one we've all heard is the pineapple core after transfer.  I know "they" say it's supposed to help with implantation but I never knew why.  Turns out pineapple, especially the core, contains bromelain which is known to reduce inflammation in the body, including the uterus, and is also a mild blood thinner.  Both of which can be helpful with implantation.  So sticking to my motto this seems like an easy win for me.

Next on the list is Omega 3 Fish Oil.  This supplement is said to help the "quality" of blood in the uterus?  Then there's L Arginine and Zinc.  All I could find on these is that they are supposed to prevent miscarriage and promote implantation.  My prescription prenatal vitamin already contains 15 mg of zinc so I think I'm covered there.   I am curious on if anyone has taken the L Arginine though.

The last one is the Brazil Nuts.  This is another one I had heard about but didn't know the reasoning behind.  Come to find out Brazil Nuts are a good source of Selenium which, once again, prevents miscarriages and promotes implantation.

I'm not naive enough to think that any of these things is the "missing link" to why I've yet to become pregnant and stay pregnant.  But I am curious on what, if any, of these you girls tried and your thoughts and feelings on them.

On a side note I got a very interesting call yesterday that left me with mixed emotions.  It was from CCRM.  You guys know that if this transfer doesn't work our back up plan is CCRM.  We've already sent all our records over and had a phone consult with Dr. Schoolcraft.  I've kept them up-to-date with what's happened the last 5 months (hysteroscopy, Lupron Depot injections, FET scheduled for March).  But I haven't had any communication with them since probably late November.  I got a call yesterday from a Denver phone number and when I answered the phone a wonderful nurse by the name of Katherine was on the other line (any CCRM girls know her?!).  She simply stated they were reaching out because they had it in my file that I was getting ready for my FET and they wanted to wish us luck and see if we had any questions they could help with.  She told me that she hopes not to hear from me but that they are there if we need them.  I was pretty impressed and the call definitely made me feel like more than just a number to them.  And while it felt very reassuring to know that we have a great plan in place and are ready to move forward right away if need be, it also made me second guess my certainty about the potential success of this upcoming cycle.  I've been working so hard at being positive and truly believing that this is going to work.  I'm not sure how much I really believe in the power of positive thinking, but once again, it can't hurt.  And receiving that very nice phone call had me questioning if that was God's way of preparing me for another failure.  Obviously I'm probably reading WAY too far into things and should just stick with the initial feelings of reassurance from the phone call.  But you girls know better than anyone what a cluster f*ck your mind becomes with all the hormones, emotions, hope, and fears.

So that's where I'm at.  I feel like this post was a jumbled up mess but since that's kind of how I'm feeling I guess it's fitting.

Wordless Wednesday

(Acupuncture) 

Be Your Own Advocate

I hope you all know how grateful I am for this community.  When I set out to see what the infertility blog world was all about my sole reasoning was to have someone to talk to who truly understood what we were going through.  But the more women I met, the more involved I got, I began to realize there's so many benefits that I didn't expect.  Most recently this community has given me the confidence to be my own advocate.  When I got my diagnosis I immediately began researching, which is what actually led me to the blog world.  While I recognized I would never be an expert I wanted to at least understand what all of these tests and procedures were about, what the drugs I was injecting into myself did, and what the potential risks and outcomes were.  I quickly got up to speed on my diagnosis, my options, and the procedures and drugs.  However even equipped with all of this knowledge I still lacked the confidence to even ask some of my questions to my doctor.  There's been times throughout this journey that I questioned a choice he made or wondered if another option might be better.  But for the most part I just conceded to the fact that he was the one with the initials after his name, the years of experience, and the expertise.  But thanks to you guys for the first time I felt strong enough to speak my mind.

The re-test of my TSH level came back at 2.9.  My doctor was comfortable with that level and opted not to treat me.  However, after researching and some great advice from many of you, I got the courage to challenge her about this decision.  A lot of the studies I have been reading suggest the optimal TSH level for a woman trying to get and stay pregnant is between 1 and 2.  At 2.9 I was BARELY under what my Dr. was comfortable with.  I couldn't find any information that discussed your level could be too low.  But what I did find was a lot of studies that linked chemical pregnancies and early miscarriages to elevated TSH levels.  Now, while mine is clearly not "elevated", it is above what they were calling the optimal range.  So after stewing on it for the weekend I composed an email this morning to my doctor.  I included some of the more powerful articles I had read, and reminded her of both my early miscarriage and my chemical.  I explained that I didn't want to challenge her, I only wanted to give this transfer the best possible chance we could.  In what was surprisingly a quick response she agreed to put me on 25mcg of thyroid replacement and to re-check my levels in 3 weeks.

I feel good about the fact that I pleaded my case and even better about the fact that we are going to try and get it down to the optimal level.  Most importantly I'm so glad that I can move forward confident that I've down everything I can to make this cycle a success.  Meds start tomorrow - 4 weeks from transfer.  Let's do this.

The Shades of Gray

Okay get your mind out of the gutter.  This is NOT a post about 50 Shades of Gray.  (although I'll admit to reading the books and could probably write a pretty entertaining post about them!)  It's about the shades of gray that lie between black and white.  And opinions that vary between experts.

I think I mentioned to all of you that my clinic has a new doctor.  I'm excited about this for a couple reasons.  #1 - she's a woman.  I like this.  #2 - she provides a fresh perspective to my case.  As most of you know we had a phone consult with CCRM and if the outcome of this next FET (with our last 2 frozen embryos) is not successful we will be packing our bags for Colorado.  However, since we still have the 2 embryos we opted to see them through first, before moving on to a new clinic.

That being said, it was great timing when Dr. Emmi joined our clinic.  I had a bad moment when Nurse Jenny informed me that I needed to re-do ALL of my initial testing since it has been 18 months since I started at the clinic.  That was hard to hear.  Obviously I fully envisioned at least graduating from the clinic by this point, if not holding our baby in my arms. (oh how naive I was!).  But since that's obviously not the case we went ahead and took the 8 tubes of blood for all of the consultation tests.  When we did this the first time the only number I was informed of was my FSH since it was elevated.  They told me that the rest of my levels came back within the normal range and I never pressed for the exact numbers.  This time I got the call that my thyroid level was a little high and they wanted to re-test it to determine if Dr. Emmi would treat me for that during cycle.  I did some research and came up with mixed results (shocking I know).  Basically you aren't considered to have hypothyroidism (under active) unless your TSH levels are over 5.5. However there is an ongoing controversy among RE's and more and more of the experts are proclaiming that the normal range needs to be revised to .3 to 3.0.  After reading all of this information I was anxious to get retested if only so I could find out how "high" my level was.  I went in this morning for the blood draw and Nurse Jenny told me that my TSH from last week came back at 3.2.  She confirmed that Dr. H just wanted to see levels under 4, but Dr. Emmi wanted to see them under 3.  Interesting.

Now we wait to see what the re-test comes back as.  Jenny seemed to think if it was under 3.0 she won't treat me but if it's over that, even in slightest, she will most likely put me on meds.  Either way it's refreshing to have that new perspective and feel as if someone is really examining my case.

I start suppression meds next week and then we'll really get this party started.  I'm so looking forward to crossing off the days until transfer.  No I don't ENJOY giving myself shots but at least it feels like we are doing something more than waiting.  Our last transfer (which resulted in a chemical) was in Aug.  In some ways that feels SO long ago and in others I'm shocked that it's been 5 months.  Now that the wait is almost over I'm glad that we did the procedures and the Lupron Depot.  I'm hopeful that my body will be in the best condition for this transfer.  And I'm praying that  9 months from now I'll be holding one (or both!) of those little embryos in my arms.

Protecting my Heart

As we inch closer and closer to March I'm slowly allowing myself to start focusing on TTC again.  For the last few months I've done a decent job of avoiding it.  I'm sure you all know that the thoughts/fear/worries/sadness is always there, in the back of your mind.  But since we've been on a holding pattern as we waited to see if the Lupron Depot would do it's job I've been trying semi-successfully to put it on the back burner.  I've been focusing on work, the holidays, our mini-vacation, family and friends.  Anything so I didn't have to think about the fact that another year of trying was passing.  That March is my last chance to get pregnant and have a baby in this brand new year.  That every day it seems like someone else I know is announcing they are expecting.  That people who started trying more than a year AFTER us are holding their babies today.

But lately I've started to open up just a little bit more.  It's small things - like talking to D about a new  potential baby name that I heard and liked.  Or a conversation about how I hope our child will have his eyes.  It's not that we don't talk about our struggle.  But over the past few months we've made a conscious effort not to focus on what we don't have.  And to try and not let the sadness consume us.  Which means we've tried to talk about other things than babies.

As we've had several baby conversations over the last week or so the inner struggle begins.  While I want to be positive and hopeful, I also feel a need to protect my heart.  I don't think it's being negative to think about the fact that this upcoming transfer might not work.  I think after all we've been through and learned it's realistic.  And while I'm comforted with having a back up plan (CCRM) it still won't take away the pain from another failed cycle.  Another set of our babies gone before they even had a chance.  So as fun and exciting as it is to talk about baby names, nursery ideas, and what it will be like/feel like to finally be parents, there's still a wariness that I can't shake.  I know it's fear of my heart being broken again.  But I also know that having a positive mindset going into this transfer will only help our chances of success.  So I guess the question I have for my veteran girls today is....

Where is the line between positivity and realism?  How did you or do you protect your heart when the outcome is unknown?

A positive sign

No, not THE positive sign (as in a positive pregnancy test) but a step in right direction.  I had my follow up appointment today from my second month of the Lupron Depo shot.  I think I mentioned that we recently got a new RE at my clinic.  I met her just briefly during my followup hysteroscopy after the 1 month of Lupron Depo and it was her call to have me go another month.  So it wasn't exactly a great first impression.  However this time it went much better.  We only did an ultrasound but she explained to me on the screen what they were looking for.  She said the inflammation would cause shading or darkening which she wasn't seeing any.  My lining was at a 6 which she said was good for being suppressed (I believe it was at a 9 last time).  There were some other things she pointed out that kind of went over my head but her exact words were "You uterus actually looks really good!".  I will take that.  She put me right back on birth control pills to keep me suppressed until I start my FET protocol which will be in Feb.  We are looking at a transfer the second week in March.

I feel so relieved that the injections did their job and we can move forward.  My friend told me the other day that from our conversations she felt like I'd already written off the March transfer.  After some reflection she may have been right.  I think I was just trying to prepare myself for another delay or even worse news.  And while I do have CCRM all squared away and we are ready to move forward with them if this transfer doesn't work, I am beginning to have some hope for this last shot.  I have two pretty highly graded day 5 embryos left.  I also got the okay to transfer both.  My former RE was not on board with transferring more than one since we did have genetic testing done and that supposedly increased our chance of success significantly.  Well, after talking with Dr. Schoolcraft at CCRM and learning that the genetic testing we did has the potential to damage the embryos I feel strongly about transferring both.  Even if by some miracle both implant D and I feel fully ready to happily take on a twin pregnancy.  I've talked to several of you who have experienced them and feel prepared.  It just feels like the right decision.  If this transfer doesn't work out then I am emotionally, financially, and physically ready to move on to CCRM.  (Please God let that not be necessary).

So that's a quick update.  On a random side note I'm not sure I've shared here that my nurse at the clinic completed her first cycle of IVF in Oct.  She's currently 14 weeks pregnant.   Her husband actually had a blockage so their issue was with him.  They were able to go in and extract the sperm for the embryos and she got pregnant on the first cycle.  I'll be honest when I found out I was a little bitter.  One and done - can you imagine?  But once I had a few minutes to think about it my bitterness went away.  I was still sad for US but happy for her.  No matter what your fertility treatment or how quickly you find success this is a hardship I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.  I asked her how it was going breaking the news to her other patients and she said not well at all.  I would imagine it to be a very difficult conversation to have but considering she's already started showing (she was very thin before) not really something she can ignore.

Anyway just wanted to send out a happy update!  It feels like a long time since I've had any personal good news to share.

Will the Waiting Ever End

Hello blog world.  I am still here.  I am still reading and following and cheering and praying for all of you.  But my story seems to be on pause.  I had my 1 month follow up from the Lupron Depo shot.  I did not get the news I wanted to hear.  While the inflammation has improved the doctor decided to do another month just to be safe.  Now logically I realize that it's ALWAYS better safe than sorry.  And I most definitely want my body to be in the best possible condition for transfer.  So, while my mind knows this is the right thing to do I can't help but feeling so......lost.  You see my clinic is cycling at the end of Jan. due to the holidays.  And since Feb. is a short month they aren't having a cycle in Feb. just early March.  Which means we'll have to wait until March for our FET.  March.

That.  Feels.  Like.  Forever.

Once again, logically I know the time will go quickly.  But emotionally I feel like I can not take one more second of waiting.  This month marks a year since our first IVF cycle and a year and a half since our diagnosis.  I know there's so many of you who struggled for much longer.  But my heart is so ready for this to be over.  I'm tired of waiting.  Tired of watching everyone else get pregnant and have babies while I sit on the sidelines.  Tired of seeing the hurt and want in my husband's eyes.  Tired of feeling broken.

I know I just have to continue to push forward.  To take each day as it comes and get through it.  I'm trying to convince myself that this IS going to work in March.  So I can hold out until then because it will finally be our time.  But that's so hard to believe after everything we've been through.

And what a depressing post this has become.  So let's think about some positives.  I have exactly 10 days of work left for the YEAR!  So I know that the month of December will fly by.  We are heading to Nashville with two other couples at the end of December so that's a nice get away to look forward to.  (PS - I <3 NASHVILLE!).  I survived Thanksgiving without any major meltdowns (yeah me!).  And the freezing cold Midwest weather means lots of snuggle time in front of the fire with D and the sweet baby girl Chloe.  For now, that will be enough.

Another Month

Happy Halloween everyone. Another month has past. I haven't written much lately because there just hasn't been anything to say. We've had so many exciting things happening in our community the last few months. And I am absolutely thrilled about that. I have been so filled with hope and so thankful for the amazing miracles that have been happening. However here I am still not pregnant, still no baby, still waiting. Not very exciting and I kind of feel like a broken record. 

Yesterday would have been my due date from my first positive cycle. I mostly just felt numb all day. It's hard to believe that if I wouldn't have miscarried we would be parents right now. Hard to believe because in this moment that seems SO far away. It's also hard not to feel sad today. As I see all of the little cuties dressed up for the holiday I can't help but wonder if we will EVER have our own little one to dress up in adorable costumes and hold my hand as we walk from house to house. Right now it just feels like we are never going to get there. 

On a positive note my side effects from the Lupron Depot haven't been terrible. Headaches and some hot flashes but I can't really complain. I just pray it's doing what it's supossed to. I don't go back for the follow up hysteroscopy until the week of thanksgiving. If everything is looking good then we'll be cleared for transfer in Jan. If my uterus is still inflamed he could do another shot and we'll have more waiting. 

January feels so far away even though I know the time will go fast especially with the holidays. And considering what a crappy year 2014 has been for us I'm a little glad we aren't cycling until 2015. I can only hope and pray it will be our year for a baby of our own. 

So I'm here. Just waiting. Your blogs and good news keep me going on days when I want to give up. So thank you my sweet girls for simply being you and willing to share your stories.  

Roller Coaster

This week has been a complete roller coaster of emotions.  Thanks to all of you who reached out with advice or to check and see how the consult with Dr. Schoolcraft went.  I can honestly say I was pleasantly surprised.  I think I had prepared myself for the worse based on everyone's input.  I'm not sure if I caught him on a good day or if I just pumped him up to be SO harsh in my mind that he couldn't live up to it :)  Either way I'm happy to report back that he was very helpful and patient with us.  As many of you had warned me he wouldn't talk protocol with me at all.  But he did say based on my file he felt "optimistic" that he could help us.  Obviously that opinion will be influenced by my ODW (one day workup) and the results of the tests CCRM would run.  He did say that for us he'd like to also run the Beta-3 Integrin test as well as Karyotype (Chromosome Analysis) for both D and myself.  For me the main thing (and most disturbing) that I got out of the conversation was his explanation of their genetic testing.  At CCRM they do CCS testing on your embryos on day 5.  Then they are frozen and your transfer is a FET.  At my local clinic when we did genetic testing with our last cycle they took the biopsies on Day 3 and we had the results on Day 5 for a fresh transfer.  It was nice not to have to wait another month for transfer but the information that Dr. Schoolcraft shared with me on the Day 3 testing was very concerning.  He basically said when you choose a cell to biopsy on Day 3 the embryos are only composed of between 6-8 cells.  And there's no way to distinguish between the cells that are going to be the baby and the cells that will develop into the placenta.  If they end up taking one of the cells that is destined to be the baby then they are FATALLY damaging the embryo.  Yeah, you read that right.  What this means for us is our grade 1 "perfect" embryo that we transferred last cycle very well could have been damaged due to the testing.  And the two remaining that we have frozen could be the same story.  Wow.

Now while obviously I was VERY upset by this, the small silver lining (if I'm forced to find one) is I was certain there must be something seriously wrong with me in my uterus for our genetically normal grade 1 embryo not to result in a pregnancy.  But basically Dr. S was saying that he thinks it was the damage from the biopsy.  Which also explains why two of our "normal" embryos never developed to the blastocyst stage and arrested.  At CCRM they do their genetic testing on day 5 when the embryo consists of around 60 cells and the outer ones are clearly visible as the "placenta" cells.  He backed this logic up with a series of studies that were done by an independent company.  Ouch.

We wrapped up the conversation by him recommending that we move forward with transferring our two remaining embryos and to call to schedule my ODW if that cycle is unsuccessful.  Which brings me to meeting #2 of this week.  My post-op follow up with Dr. H  from my hysteroscopy at my local clinic.

I thought a lot about what to say (or not to say) to Dr. H. regarding what I had learned from CCRM.  I ultimately decided not to bring up the genetic testing with him.  1.  What's done is done.  2.  I'm sure he has his own studies and logic about why they would do testing on day 3, and honestly no matter what he told me I wasn't going to buy it.  I recognize that there's still a good chance that they biopsied a "placenta" cell in our 2 frozen embies and if that was the case then they would be "normal" embryos that could result in a pregnancy and God willing our take home baby.  However if this cycle is unsuccessful we've already decided to move forward with CCRM as soon as possible.

So when I met with Dr. H he showed me the pictures from my hysteroscopy of the two small fibroids he found and removed.  This part I was prepared for because he had told me about them right after the procedure.  The part I wasn't prepared for was him to tell me that there was "inflammation" in my uterus.  Based on that he wants to throw me into menopause for a month using  a Lupron Depo injection.  So all those thoughts from the night before about how it might not be my uterus went out the window.  On top of that obviously a month of menopause would push our transfer from Dec. to Jan.  Sigh.  I realize in the big scheme of things one month is nothing.  But it's still hard to swallow.

I've talked to a couple other girls who have gone down this path with the Lupron Depo and both were successful in their next transfers.  I'd be interested to hear from the rest of you if you have any thoughts or input.

So roller coaster of emotions.  I'm just trying to remind myself to take it one day at a time.

The Back Up Plan

If you've been following my blog for a while most of you have figured out that I'm a girl who loves a plan.  Not only plan A, but I prefer to have plan B and C on the back burner ready to go.  I know some people view this as being a pessimist and I've even had people say that looking beyond and planning for the next cycle could negatively affect the outcome of my current cycle.  But for me it eases my anxiety to know in my mind what our next step will be.  It gives me hope to know that we can/will keep moving forward regardless.  That being said I am praying so hard that this FET in December results in our take home baby.  I am NOT discounting this cycle and am hopeful that our prayers will be answered.  But it's my nature to look ahead which is why we have our phone consult with Dr. Schoolcraft at CCRM tonight.  

I think I am as prepared as I can be for our meeting.  I have my list of questions and also the knowledge not to really expect any answers at this point.  I've basically come to terms with the fact that this is the first step of many IF we decide to/have to go down this road. 

Tomorrow we have our post-op meeting with Dr. H from my hysteroscopy.  I looked and realized that I never posted about our phone conversation a couple days after surgery.  He informed me he did find and remove two small fibroids during the hysteroscopy.  He biopsied both of them and they came back fine.  While I have a small amount of hope that removing them and cleaning out my uterus could help, I've definitely learned enough to know that I don't think they were the real cause of our issues.  For now I'm looking forward to getting a fresh perspective on our case and hoping for the best.  Big thanks to Jessah  and Aubrey for their CCRM insight!  

Thoughts and prayers with Allison, her family, and baby Rowen.  And please throw out an extra prayer for my sweet Amanda and Suzanne who both have exciting events happening this week!  Sending you both love and support.  

Looking for Advice

Hope everyone had a great weekend.  Ours was pretty relaxing which was a nice change.  We spent a lot of time over the weekend cuddled up on the couch and I can say the TLC did both of us good.  We found things to laugh about, other subjects to talk about (outside of infertility) and I feel like some of the sadness is starting to lift from D's eye.  Which in turns makes my heart a little lighter.  I.  Love.  That.  Man.  His happiness is everything to me.

We did have our meeting with Dr. H. on Friday.  As expected he didn't have any miracle answers or suggestions for us.  We talked about how there's still a lot that the field doesn't understand about embryo development which is why the success rate for genetically normal embryos is *only* 70%.  He feels hopeful that we still have 2 normal blasts to transfer and his recommended path is a FET.  We talked about how at our clinic (and a lot of others) their success rates are higher with FET's.  He explained that this is due to the fact that when we stim during a fresh cycle they elevate our estrogen levels way higher than they would ever be in a natural cycle.  This can cause some disruption in the two types of tissue in your uterus.  Basically the increased hormone levels affect them too.  When we do a FET he said they monitor 2 things.  1.  They want your estrogen level between 300-600.  2.  They want your lining greater than 8mm.  Obviously during stim your estrogen levels get way beyond the 600.  So basically he is feeling that doing a FET that is more in line with a natural cycle is a great option for us.

I asked him about running a couple of tests on my uterus.  I've picked the brains of several of my blogger friends and they recommended 2 types of tests.  The first is called an e-tegrity test.  My understanding is that this tests to see if your uterus has the "sticky" stuff needed for implantation.  Dr. H says the results of this test are inconclusive and due to the fact that we've had at least 2 embryos implant he doesn't think that's the issue.  The next is a hysteroscopy.  For my fertile readers this is where they go up into your uterus with a camera to look at the lining for polyps, scar tissue or fibroids that could be disrupting implantation.  Dr. H said he would perform this procedure if I felt strongly about it but he doesn't think it's necessary.  He said he's never seen any signs in all of the ultrasounds we've done that my uterus is anything but perfect.  So he basically left it up to me.

If we elect not to do the hysteroscopy we could transfer at the end of Oct.  If we do it then it will be December before we can do our FET since we have to do the procedure and I have to have another period after and my clinic doesn't cycle in Nov. to give the staff a break.

In other news we've scheduled a phone consult with Dr. Schoolcraft at CCRM for Oct. 14th.  I'll be sending him all of our records and we are completing all of the registration and history forms online.  I know that CCRM does a hysteroscopy as part of their ODW (one day workup).  I'm currently feeling like we should go ahead and have Dr. H do the hysteroscopy.  If I transfer in Oct. and it doesn't work I'll still be wondering if it is my uterus.  Of course I'm anxious to keep moving forward but I also don't want to waste the lives of 2 more embryos if my uterus is the problem.  My gut tells me it isn't and Dr. H is supporting that theory, but until we do the procedure we don't know for sure.

That being said how many of you have had this done?   What are your thoughts?  If you were in my situation would you do it or just move forward with the FET?

Be Patient

Thank you so much for all of the kind comments and emails.  I'm very sad to report that my beta was negative.  I tested on 9dp5dt and then again the morning of the beta (10dp5dt) and both home tests were negative.  I knew in my heart before I even saw the results that it didn't work.

I'm doing okay.  I mostly feel numb.  Next month is our 1 year anniversary of our infertility diagnosis.  When we first discovered that there were issues I remember wishing I could just fast forward to a year from now when this would all be behind us.  But here we are - 2 Fresh IVF cycles, one FET, 3 transfers, and 5 beautiful embryos lost.  I long ago lost track of the number of pills and injections I've given myself.  The blood, bruises, hot flashes, headaches, and hormonal highs and lows no longer phase me.  What once seemed like the biggest, most overwhelming experience of my life has become routine.  And here we sit.  Still childless, still heart broken, bleeding money and quickly losing hope.

This most recent disappointment has caused to me really question if having a family is in the cards for us.  I've always been so sure in my heart that I was meant to be a mother.  It's what I've always wanted, what I've always dreamed of.  Even when dealing with the shock and devastation of an infertility diagnosis I still felt confident that I would have a baby.  It just was going to take a little longer than we thought.  And believe me I know there's so many of you who have been fighting this battle much longer than us.  I guess I was just naive enough to think we'd be one of the lucky ones who got out quickly.  It's not looking like that's the case.

We scheduled our WTF appointment for next week.  I think that Dr. H. will lay out two paths for us.  1.  Try a 3rd fresh cycle at the very highest medicated protocol (we were on the 2nd highest last time) and include genetic testing (CCS) of the embryos.  2.  Donor Eggs.

My husband and I have spent a great deal of time over the weekend discussing this.  He just isn't ready to make the jump to donor eggs.  He really feels like we saw improved results (as far as number of eggs retrieved and number of viable embryos) with our last fresh cycle and if we try again on the most aggressive protocol we could possibly even get a couple more eggs/embryos then last time.  He also thinks the genetic testing will give us some answers that will make things more clear.  Which I guess I see his point.  If the genetic results come back and none of our embryos are normal then that's a pretty good indicator that we should move on.  But if we have several that are normal then it would confirm that I have more of an egg quantity problems vs. an egg quality problem.

My biggest thing is I just don't want to waste any more time.  I'm sure part of it is that I turn 34 in 2 weeks.  It just seems like with each disappointment and failure all I can think about is the fact that time is quickly running out.

But I am going to do my best to stay hopeful and positive.  I have a lot to be grateful in my life and I need to remember that.

The Day that *Could* Change Everything

Well we did it!  One more transfer under our belt.  We were able to transfer our one little embryo that we have left.  Our fighter.  Our hope.  Our baby.

I was a complete nervous wreck the morning of transfer.  My appointment wasn't until the afternoon and I knew they were beginning the thaw that morning.  Every time my phone made a noise D and I almost threw up, certain it was the clinic calling to tell us that he didn't survive.  But our tough little guy came through again with no issues.  We woke up early on transfer day and went for a run together, then out to breakfast.  It was so nice to have some time together just the two of us.  We made the decision not to tell anyone the exact time of our transfer so we could pass along information when we were ready on our own terms (in case of bad news).  An hour before our appointment I started drinking my water and then we headed to the clinic.  We were the last appointment of the day and as soon as I got there they gave me some Valium to help with the anxiety (thank you Jesus) and I immediately asked how our little guy was doing.  They assured me that the thaw went fine and Dr. H. would be in to talk to us before transfer.  I got undressed and laid on the table with D sitting next to me.  Of course my amazing staff was in and out prepping me and getting us ready all the while easing our anxiety and showering us with love and positivity.  It was a special day at my clinic as the head of the center who is based in a different state was in town and there for my transfer.  I was a little nervous about having a new player in the mix but figured another set of eyes and expert opinion couldn't hurt.  Finally Dr. H. came in with the above picture of our little guy and explained to us that on Day 5 they want to see the cells evenly sized with a mass in the middle and they want it to be clear when they look at it through the microscope.  He said that Frosty had all of those characteristics which was good news.  He patted my knee in his fatherly way and said he'd be back shortly to begin.  D and I sat together studying the picture of the life we created (well with a whole lot of help).  A piece of him and a piece of me.  Tears stung my eyes as I prayed over the picture of our sweet little embaby and my heart filled with hope.  My nurses came in and checked my bladder to make sure it was full enough and we were good to go.  Before I knew it the room was full of people bustling around.  Jo my faithful, kind nurse was there holding the ultrasound wand on my stomach to that Dr. H could see my uterus.  She squeezed my hand and offered a reassuring smile.  Nurse Jenny - my life line, was behind Dr. H. to assist if he needed anything.  Dr. H walked in with the head doctor who introduced himself to us and shook D's hand telling us how excited he was to be present today.  As Dr. H. assumed the position they talked us through everything.  We saw the catheter come onto the ultrasound screen and heard the Embryologist in the lab open the connecting window and asked us to confirm our names and that we were transferring one Day 5 blastocyst.  D and I answered yes together and then Frosty was there in the room. Once I saw her pass the embryo through the window I immediately relaxed.  We were reunited, together again.  And regardless of if this transfer is successful the life that we had all worked so hard to create was about to be placed where it belonged - inside me.  Dr. H. walked us through the steps telling us to watch the screen.  We saw the embryo come up through the catheter and then the magical moment where they released it into my uterus.  While I wasn't as emotional as my first transfer, and not as overwhelmed as I was in my second I simply felt at peace.  This is what I had been waiting for.  Finally he was home.

The catheter was checked in the lab under the microscope to confirm that the embryo was released and they snapped this beautiful picture on the u/s machine.

The rest of the appointment was pretty uneventful.  I laid on the table for 30 min. trying not to pee everywhere and then we headed home.   I slept most of the rest of the afternoon and basically was on bed rest the next day as well.  We watched lots of Netflix and movies and just relaxed.

So...now the dreaded 2ww.  Is there anything more hard?  I hate how helpless I feel during this week.  I take my meds and do my shots and pray that this is it.  I wish there was more I could do for this child of ours that I love with all my heart.

I got to thinking on Father's Day yesterday, which was another hard day for us, that this is the 5th embryo we've transferred.  It seems so....unfair that we've lost 4 of our babies already.  I know there's many people in the world that will argue with me but each of those embryos we implanted was a baby to me.  A piece of myself and the man that I love.  A chance.  A hope.  At this point of our infertility journey it's all I have and I cherish them all.  I hope this last one, our fighter, our tough little one is strong enough to continue to fight.  I pray that 9 months from now I can hold him or her in my arms and my tears will finally be tears of joy and gratitude.

Pain in the......

I'm going to take a moment to vent and be a whinny IVF patient.  I try so hard not to complain about this process that is giving me a chance to have a baby of my own when nature most likely wouldn't let that happen.  I feel bad complaining and being ungrateful for medicine and science that gives us a fighting chance.  And I know that FET cycles are not as intense as fresh IVF cycles.  I know all of this.  But some days you just gotta bitch.

My FET protocol was Lupron for supression with E2V (delestrogen) IM (inter muscular) injections every third day.  Now that we are getting closer to transfer I've started the dreaded PIO (progesterone in oil) shots and we've increased the E2V.  I'm doing 2cc's (100mg) of PIO every night.  This.  Is.  A.  Lot.  More than I've ever done in the past.  In addition I'm doing .4ml's of E2V every third night.  Last night was a night I had to do both IM shots.  I'm not proud to say I didn't handle this well and basically cried through the whole thing.  My bottom hurts when I walk, hurts when I sit, hurts when simply standing.  In addition I've been battling a non stop headache since this weekend.  Please, don't get me wrong.  If it meant I get a baby I would do both shots every day for the rest of my life.  But man, is it hard sometimes.

Ok so that's enough of the whining and complaining.  That being said we are one day closer to transfer.  We are getting there - making progress.  And as my best friend told me this morning every shot is one step closer to transfer and giving Frosty a home.  I pray so hard that this works.  That this will be it for us.  However the road to bringing home a healthy baby is long and full of potholes.  I will be SO SO grateful IF we get a positive beta.  But I will be plagued with worry and fear waiting to see it increase.  I know I won't be able to stop thinking about what happened last time.  I can't even picture myself going in for the first ultrasound after experiencing it last time with no heartbeat.  The fear is like a living, breathing thing inside me.  Then I begin to play out "which is worse".  Is it worse to get a negative beta from the get go?  Or to become pregnant only to miscarry.  I'm not sure there's a right answer there.  Both are terrible, horrible.  I don't want to go through either option.  I just want to get pregnant and stay pregnant and 9 months later bring home a healthy baby.  Which sometimes feels completely impossible.

But thanks to my support system I have faith.  I have people who are praying for us and helping me to be positive even when I feel hopeless.  For that I am eternally grateful.  I know it only takes one.  I have spent this week obsessing over some of your blogs where you transferred just 1 embryo and either have your sweet child home with you or are well in to your 2nd or 3rd trimester.  I envision that being us.  I hope.  I pray.  I do these stupid shots and take all of the meds and know that ultimately this is all in God's hands.  I trust in his plan for us even when I don't understand it.  I have FAITH.

Check!

Does anyone else sometimes feel like this journey is full of small boxes that you check off?  It seems that's how I picture things whenever I start a new cycle. So much has to go right before you even get to transfer.  Some of them are small steps and some larger but they all have to be completed and you have to "pass" to continue to move forward.  On Friday I had my blood work to check my hormone levels and my U/S to check my lining.  I was nervous because I've been having some strong period like cramps since the scratch and was nervous my lining wasn't going to be good.  It came in at a 10 which they said was great so that was a relief.  One more box checked.  I'm continuing with the delestrogen shots every third day and my dose has increased slightly.  In addition last night I started the PIO shots.  I really did not miss those.  Even the E2V that I've been doing that is an IM shot in the butt isn't as bad as the PIO since it's not as thick or as much.  But it's all part of the process and obviously worth it in the end.  

So as we inch closer to transfer I've been battling a lot of fears.  The biggest one is how our little "Frosty" will thaw.  This is my first FET and technically IVF try #3 for us.  We've done two fresh cycles and had poor results with both.  We only had 1 embryo to transfer the first time and I got a negative beta.  The second cycle we had 4 embryos.  1 which was pretty poor quality due to fragmentation so we transferred it along with 2 others that were fairly good quality.  I did receive positive betas that continued to climb but at the 7 week ultrasound there was no heartbeat and it showed development had stopped most likely around 6 weeks.  The 1 embryo that we froze from our 2nd fresh cycle was actually at 12 cells at day 3.  Which is further along than they are supposed to be.  Our embryologist explained that could be a good thing or a bad thing.  Sometime when embryos are ahead they just continue to divide too many times until they arrest.  This little guy held on and made to a 5 day blastocyt.  We've only transferred Day 3 embryos in the past so this is another new thing for us that does bring me some hope.  

I've been extra emotional the last week as we draw closer to transfer.  I think it's just because so much is riding on this try.  It's our very last embryo so if this cycle fails we have a lot of hard decisions ahead of us.  Not to mention more waiting and more money.  I'm just so ready for this to be over. The hardest part for me is the unknown.  If someone told me that I'd have to do X amount of IVF cycles but in 2 years we'd have a baby I could put my nose to the grindstone and pound it out.  Would the physical and emotional pain still be hard to bear?  Of course - but knowing the end result was coming would give me the strength to push through.  Obviously I don't have that luxury and it's so hard to continue to fight this battle when you have no idea if you'll ever come through the other side.  

I got hit really hard this week by a pregnancy announcement on FB.  A high school girlfriend of mine that got married in February announced she is pregnant and due in Dec.  Which basically means they tried for like one month.  The fact that we are the same age (33 very quickly approaching 34) seemed to make it extra hard for me.  Of course I'm happy for her but once again I'm sad for me.  I can't help but wonder when our time will be and if it's ever coming.  I pray that it's this cycle.  I try to focus on having positive thoughts and faith that this is it for us.  The start of our family and a healthy pregnancy that will bring us a take home baby.  But with all the odds stacked against us it's hard not to worry about if this cycle fails and where we go next. However I'm going to put all those negative thoughts aside and just work on checking off my boxes.   

Scratch

It's been a crazy week for me, as I've been traveling for work but I wanted to send out a quick update as I'm feeling pretty anxious this morning.  I had my "scratch" on Monday morning.  It was as unpleasant as it sounds.  Basically Dr. H took a catheter and shoved it up into my uterine lining and took a chunk out of a specific spot.  He then felt the need to show me the blood and tissue he removed - could have done without that!  But the point of the procedure is that when we go to transfer Frosty he'll be able to see the spot where he took the tissue and will aim to deposit him/her right into that little indentation which will hopefully help Frosty implant and burrow in  Fingers crossed.

I go in tomorrow for an U/S to check and see how my lining is looking.  The only thing I've been taking to help with it is IM injections of estrodel every three days.  It doesn't seem like much.  I thought I would be on suppositories as well but I'm not.  Hopefully my lining is looking good and we can continue moving forward.

Although my blog is anonymous there are family and friends that I've shared the URL with.  Because of that I won't be posting my exact transfer or beta dates.  When I miscarried in March everyone who knew that we were pregnant and also knows me in real life, knew the date and time of the 7 weeks ultrasound.  I feel so blessed to have so many people who love us, support us, and are cheering us on.  However when we got the bad news I was obviously hit pretty hard and all of the calls and text messages just overwhelmed me even more.  I think it would have been easier if I could have had time to process the news and then informed people when I was more settled.  So that's my game plan moving forward with this transfer.

I hope no one feels like I"m trying to shut them out or that I don't appreciate each and every one of you who follows this blogs, sends positive thoughts and prayers, or reaches out to me to tell me that they are thinking of me.  IT MEANS SO MUCH TO ME!  I'm so grateful for all of my amazing friends and family and it's what gives me the strength to keep trying.  So from the bottom of my heart thank you all so much.  As for the wonderful people that I've never met but have connected with through this amazing community your ability to understand exactly what we are going through has been a light in the darkest tunnel for me.  Feeling like we aren't alone on this journey has made it more bearable.  I appreciate all of you so much!