Love

They are here. This post is much delayed but I've been spending the last 26 days falling more in love than I ever thought possible. 

I waited my whole life for these moments. It's everything I ever wanted. And it's so much more than I imagined. I longed. I dreamt. I hoped. But I had no idea. There's nothing that can prepare you for this. The love. The gratitude. The shear wonder. I can't ever possibly put it into words. So I'll simply say that these have been the very best days of my life. And that every single struggle, every painful miserable day it took to get here was worth it 100 times over. I didn't know I could love like this. I didn't know I could be this fulfilled. I knew I always wanted to be a Mother. But I didn't know I was made for it. Until they were here. 

It's with so much joy and pride that I introduce you- my community, my strength, the light during my darkest days- to our miracles. Thank you sweet friends. Thank you for your support, your encouragement, your understanding.  And for giving me the hope and strength to continue on. 

Braxton Mitchell was born at 4:09pm on May 20th weighing 5lbs 0oz. His little brother was born 1 minute later weighing 4lbs 10oz. I'll share the full story in another post. 

They are our greatest gift, our biggest adventure, our everything. And this is the next chapter. 

The definition of Mother

When I flipped my calendar to May as always the date of Mother's Day caught my eye.  I'll admit my first thought was to wonder if my babies would be here by then.  While the idea of NOT being pregnant any more is very appealing I said a brief prayer that they'd still be comfortable and thriving inside vs. taking on the challenges of the outside world too early.  My next thought was how I felt thinking about Mother's Day being 33 1/2 weeks pregnant.  I was surprised by the answer - not very different.

Don't get me wrong.  Mother's Day is a day I've struggled with for the last three years as we desperately tried to start our family without any success.  For the last three years I've dreaded this day and spent most of it either in tears or fighting them back.  I felt guilty for not being able to focus on my amazing mother and mother in law.  I felt guilty for not truly celebrating my friends who are such inspirational mothers.  All I could feel was the hopelessness of my own personal journey and the ache in my empty heart.  I thought first about the embryos we had transferred that didn't take, then the ones that did but weren't able to continue to grow.  Then the one that did fully implant but had no heartbeat at that first sono.  And finally the one who did - who's precious heart beat we saw not once, but twice, before the ultrasound of silence at almost 10 weeks.

Being pregnant this year didn't take away that grief.  Absolutely it brought hope that had been lacking, happiness and excitement that never existed before.  And of course so much gratitude that we have made it this far.  Every kick and movement I felt on Sunday held an extra special meaning and brought a different kind of tears to my eyes.  But yes, I still grieved the loss of the babies that should have been here and were not.  While I sat with my family and enjoyed their company I still felt a little uncomfortable being included in the group that we were celebrating.  In my heart I had been part of this group for the last three years but not a member that gets recognized.  My children aren't here on earth to post pictures of, to make me breakfast in bed or draw me beautiful pictures.  I never saw their faces or held them in my arms.  But I have held them in my heart since the day those tiny embryos were transferred.  I've felt the weight of responsibility that goes along with being a parent and I"ve felt the grief of failure that I couldn't protect them.

I was encouraged by the number of FaceBook posts I saw this year honoring not only the traditional mothers but those fighting to become a mother and those who have lost children at any stage of life. I know having been in both those positions just being acknowledged provides a small amount of comfort on a very difficult day.  I hope that those still fighting felt loved and not invisible.  I pray that they find hope in the stories of those who walked in their shoes and now have a happy ending.  And mostly I hope that at this time next year they find themselves closer to their own happy ending.  Because we all deserve that.

32 Weeks

I spent some time this afternoon  reading through old posts on my blog.  I was initially looking for a specific post related to What Infertility Is To Me that I wanted to share for NIAW.  That led me through 3 years of posts and took me back through the ups and downs of our journey.  Looking back it's hard to believe that we've made it to where we are today.  As I read my own words I was taken back to those moments and all of the intense emotions that went along with them.  The hope of our first IVF cycle, the devastation of our first loss, the disappointment of failed transfers, the anger of the unfairness of it all.  The hours of research, the agony over what path to take, the fear of making the wrong choice.  The waiting.  So much waiting.

I jumped through the months and timeline of our struggle until I found the post about discovering I was pregnant with our twins.  Reading through this journey it's hard to believe that we are at the end.  For the longest time I couldn't look any further ahead than the next appointment.  I literally took this pregnancy one week at a time.  And now we are down to our last weeks.  It's still hard to believe that we'll be meeting these little miracles so soon.  And as hard as I try I still can't quite picture them in my arms.  But their (constant) movements, my very large bump, and general uncomfortableness reassure me that this is really happening.

We've reached the point that we are back to weekly appointments.  I alternate between my OB and my MFM.  Last week at my OB's office our little guy was measuring about 17% behind his brother.  They don't like to see a difference of more than 20%.  The discrepancy has caused them to go ahead and schedule my c-section for 36 weeks (May 26th).  We'll obviously continue to monitor the boys weekly and if Baby B's growth continues to slow or God forbid stop they will take them sooner.  I am so grateful to be at 32 weeks knowing that aside from something catestrophic they should both survive with no long term side effects.  However I still feel like it's just WAY too soon.  I'm hoping and praying to make it at least until 34 weeks and hopiong they'll weigh over 4lbs a piece.  For whatever reason 4lbs seems so much more..... substantial than 3 something.

I'm blessed that our local hopsital has a first class NICU that we were fortunate enough to get to tour ahead of time.  So I'm comfortable with the plan if they do come early.  Just one more thing that is out of my control - and you all know how I feel about that.  With the recent events for the first time I've actually started thinking about their arrival and what happens after that.  While I"m still completely consumed with bringing them into this world saefly and healthy I have started to think a little bit about the actual c-section itself, my recovery, and potentially handling two premature infants.  To say it's overwhelming is a huge understatement.  But to read back over everything we've fought through and have overcome gives me confidence that there's nothing we can't survive together.

Long Overdue Update

I have been a huge blog slacker and was trying to think of a quick way to update you guys with all that's been going on.  So I thought I'd do a picture post.

 Baby A at 22.5 weeks - this guy is usually all stretched out and super active all the time!

Baby B at 22.5 weeks - he's curled up in a little ball down in the corner since his brother takes up all the room.

 

Me at 21 weeks pregnant.  Soak in this picture please.  It's the last one before the swelling and puffiness set in.........

Maternity photos!  These were taken at 23 weeks.  We have a friend who is starting up a photography business and wanted to use us as models.  She did a great job!

 My college girlfriends threw my first shower.  Everything was perfect and beautiful but what meant the most to me was all the people who came out to celebrate our little boys.  So blessed!

My parents got us the car seats for our first shower.  Chloe isn't too sure what these things are but was happy to pose next to them for a
picture.

Baby Shower Number 2 in Derek's hometown!

 My favorite gift from the 2nd baby shower.  D is a huge top gun fan so the boys got Maverick and Goose onesies, my best friend's little boy got the Viper shirt and my nephew who's getting ready to turn 7 got the Iceman shirt.  On the front they all have a pair of aviators that look like they have hanging from their neck.  Cutest thing ever!

And here's today at 26 weeks!  Definitely feeling swollen and puffy and just generally uncomfortable.  But every day is one step closer and I couldn't be more thrilled to be where we are today.  Next big milestone is 28 weeks!  

Ch Ch Changes!

Welcome February!  I personally am glad to have January behind us and be one month closer to warmer weather (PS - MidWest winters suck) and one month further along in this pregnancy.  This week I'll be 20 weeks - Eeeekkk!  Everyone keeps saying "Yeah you are 1/2 way".  I have to bite my tongue to keep from screaming "I AM MORE THAN 1/2 WAY - THIS IS A TWIN PREGNANCY!".  Instead I just nod and smile and say thank you so it doesn't appear that I'm a crazy woman.  My favorite part of 20 weeks is that viability is only 4 (hopefully) short weeks away.  I'm still feeling pretty good.  By the end of the day I feel full and uncomfortable and have some trouble falling asleep.  But other than that things have been great.  I'm still only feeling the flutters and the gas like feeling as far as movement goes.  Which makes me nervous of course.  I thought yesterday I felt a more significant kick.  I am ready for that action to begin any time now!  This is a no appointment week so those are always hard for me.  

 

                                                                19 weeks 5 days!

The last 2 weeks we also began our bathroom renovation.  Our house does have 3 bathrooms - the master, a full bath in our finished basement, and then our guest bath.  However the guest bathroom only had a stand up shower in it.  So I really wanted to put in a tub for the babies.  The contractors started last week and finished up yesterday.  The tile for the shower is back ordered so that's still unfinished but everything else is done.  Overall I'm pretty happy with how it came together.  I don't consider decorating one of my skills, but I'm happy with the flooring, paint, and tile I chose.  D is color blind so I'm basically on my own for projects like this as I don't really trust his opinion. :)  Below are some pictures of the finished project.  

                                    I used the same vanity but got a new mirror and light fixture

This gives you a view of the flooring which is porcelain tile that looks like hardwood!  LOVE!  And the start of the tiling before we ran out.  I'll be continuing the smoke green glass tiles and then we'll run a strip of the mosaic that's in the soap box halfway up to break it up a little bit.

This bathroom did not have a closet originally and I was thrilled that there was room to squeeze one in.  It's actually really deep and I put the first shelf high enough that I can fit a hamper below it.  We'll be able to move all of the linens from the hall linen closet in here and then hopefully use that for more storage for the babies.  


We used the same toilet - nothing too exciting here except it gives you a good idea of the paint color.

This is the most exciting part for me.  The old door opened into the toilet and was super awkward.  We replaced it with a sliding "barn" style door and I love it!  Makes the bathroom feel so much more open.  

So lots of changes the last couple of weeks!  The contractors had been using the babies' room for all of their tools and supplies so now that they are finished I get that room back.  I've got a few samples of paint colors that I'm trying to decide between.  The furniture is an ash gray color.  (kind of a distressed finish).  Below are all the samples of paint I've got that I'm trying to decide between.  Thoughts and input welcome!  

Days go By

Most of you who know me know that I am a planner by nature.  Nothing makes me happier than lists, plans, time lines, deadlines, etc.  I find comfort in mapping things out and joy in checking boxes.  Planning for my babies is something I've dreamed of my entire life.  But after experiencing infertility and loss(es) there's so many fears that come with moving forward and planning for the arrival of your babies.  

I have made progress.  At 18 weeks we have furniture(!) and I've started my registry.  With the help and support (and okay push) from my family and friends I've set shower dates.  Invites are currently being ordered.  And while it's so exciting and so much fun to make these plans there's still the voice in the back of my head that I can't ignore. 

 "There's a 30 day return policy for the furniture....what if?"  or "They can send out a mass text to cancel the shower if......"  and lately "Worse case we can just pull that door shut so we don't have to look in that room until I'm strong enough to deal with it".

If.  The fear, That worry.  It doesn't fade.  The voice doesn't get quieter with each passing week.  But I will say my excitement does increase.  With each day that goes by this dream becomes a little more of a reality.  18 weeks you guys.  Six short (please God) weeks until we reach viability. Can this really happen?  Is it possible that we may actually hold these miracles in our arms?  Slowly I'm beginning to believe that it just might really happen.

It's funny how you look to the future and think you'll feel better with each milestone.  I thought after receiving the harmony results I'd feel so much better.  And I did....a little.  Last week at our 17 week appointment at MFM they went ahead and did the full anatomy scan.  Everything looked great - no markers, no cause for concern.  Their size and fluid levels were equal which is critical when looking for early signs of Twin to Twin Transfusion.  Nothing but good news from that appointment.  I should have been ecstatic.  And I was.  But still....

I've been waiting until I could feel movement thinking that would help me keep my sanity between sono appointments.  And it has.  But now I worry that they aren't moving enough.  And of course it's hard to confirm that the movement is both babies and not just one (they are literally on top of each other in there!).  So I would say the movement definitely brings reassurance.  But.  

I hope this isn't coming off as me complaining or being ungrateful.  Believe me I'm well aware of just how fortunate we are to be in this situation of worry and fear.  I'll take this over the stress and worry associated with infertility any day.  I thank God multiple times a day for blessing us with these miracles and for helping us get this far.  And there IS joy.  At times it completely overwhelms me.  It brings me to tears at least once a day.  There's moments when I feel my heart will absolutely burst from the happiness.  Yes, there is joy my friends.  Days go by and they are consumed with so many different emotions.  But in the end the greatest is joy.  

It's All Worth It

Yesterday on my drive home from work my phone rang and it was my OB's office.  I actually pulled over to the side of the road as I figured they were calling with the results from my Harmony test.  My heart was beating a million miles a minute and my voice was shaking when I answered the phone.  My nurse Katie's voice was on the other end as she calmly informed me that they had just received the results from the Harmony test.  I couldn't even reply I was so nervous.  In what felt like 200 unnecessary words she calmly informed me that the results all came back normal and "low-risk".  I can't described the relief I felt at hearing her words.  Obviously high risk results wouldn't have changed anything for us.  But it's just one less obstacle to worry about.  I also realize there's still a million other things that could go wrong.  But this one was a win for us and one I'm so grateful for!

In other exciting news she confirmed what the MFM suspected.  Our twins are little BOYS!  For whatever reason I always pictured myself as a boy mom.  People keep asking me what we want (which obviously all we want is to be holding healthy babies in our arms at the end of this).  But even if God came to me and told me I could choose I wouldn't have been able to.  But from the moment the MFM told me she felt pretty confident they were boys (at 13 weeks!) I thought to myself "of course they are".  It just felt right.  So yeah boys!  My heart overflows.........

Today is 16 weeks 5 days.  We go back to the MFM on Thursday which will be 17 weeks.  Regardless of all the great news I'm still nervous and scared for the appointment.  It will have been 2 1/2 weeks since we last saw our babies - the longest we've had to go in this entire pregnancy.  I've accepted that the fear and worry will never leave and work hard on giving it to God, trusting in Him and doing my best to enjoy this pregnancy.  I *think* I have started feeling them move.  Everyone says it feels like "flutters" or "butterflies".  But that isn't the case at all to me.  Honestly it feels like something is pressing or leaning from the inside.  Sometimes I feel a small area of my stomach tighten.  Everyone is telling me that is Braxton Hicks contractions but I honestly don't think so.  Maybe I'm completely wrong.  I'm anxious for when I know without a doubt it's them.  I also have these feelings much more on the right side.  Which I believe that is baby A who is slightly in front of baby B so that would make sense.  I'm hoping to get some confirmation of all of this at the appointment on Thursday.  

So almost 17 weeks I thought I'd try to recap some of my thoughts and feelings

1.  I still often feel like this is a dream, like it's not real.  Too good to be true

2.  I struggle with fear and worry every. single. day.  

3.  The way your body changes during pregnancy is truly amazing!

4.  I celebrate each pound I gain because I know it's helping them grow grow grow.

5.  I smile every time I stick my hands in my coat pockets because I can feel my belly :)

6.  I'm amazed at the out pouring of love and support for these little miracles!

7.  My parents and I have always been close, they've always been my biggest supporters.  But that bond has only deepened through this pregnancy.  Their love and excitement is contagious and can lessen even my deepest worries

8.  Baby stuff is EXPENSIVE!

9.  Pregnancy is hard.  I always thought getting pregnant would be the hard part.  But there's nothing about this that's easy.  From the lack of energy, the struggle to eat healthy, the aches and pain, the trouble sleeping, to the fact that every single thing happening is new and unfamiliar.  Pregnancy is Hard.

10.  It's so worth it.  I always knew/said that every shot, pill, doctor's appointment, etc would be worth it and it's true.  I did not know that pregnancy would be this hard.  But I can tell you it's all so worth it too.  Every green veggie I put in my mouth while simultaneously hating it is worth it.  Every sleepless night (whether it's from being uncomfortable or due to worry) is worth is.  Every ache and pain is a sign that my babies are growing.  And the worry and fear are signs that even at this early stage I'm already a good Mom.  It is so worth it.  

THE Year

Happy New Year friends!  I hope that everyone survived and possibly even enjoyed the holidays.  I know despite the fact of having so much to celebrate this year I'm a little relieved they are over!  I already wrote a reflection of my Different Kind of Christmas this year.  And while it was wonderful it was also.....weird.  To be in such a different place after I've gotten so used to where I was felt redeeming and a little unsettling all at once.  I think through this whole pregnancy I've just been waiting for the ball to drop.  I've thought more times than I can count that things were just going TOO well.  There's days I am deliriously happy and other days where the fear is almost paralyzing.  So my thoughts on the end of 2015 and the beginning of 2016 aren't as cut and dried as you would think.

Obviously ending 2015 15 weeks pregnant was a dream come true.  I still cannot believe we've made it this far.  I can't believe I've sat through ultrasounds where I watched my TWINS moving and squirming inside my body.  After all the failure and heartbreak it's still all a little unbelievable to me.  However even though 2015 was the year that brought us these miracles, overall it wasn't the best year ever.  We started with our final failed transfer at our local clinic.  We transferred our two (according to them) genetically normal embryos and the results were a giant Big Fat Negative.  We had already had our phone consult with Dr. Schoolcraft from CCRM and were planning on starting our journey with them if this transfer failed.  But I know there was a big part of me that didn't think it would come to that.  So while I was devastated by that failure I was still comforted that we had a new plan in place.  However the hardest part of that failure was watching what it did to D.  He had always been so positive and so hopeful through all of our cycles.  This failure was truly the one that broke him.  He clearly had just been humoring me with our plans to go to CCRM and never dreamed it would become a reality.  I watched him go through all of the stages of grief after that failure knowing that there was nothing I could do to make it better.  His anger and sadness was so out of character and frankly scared me to death.  There were nights I wondered if he'd ever "go back" to his old self.  And I carried so much guilt and responsibility for the state he was in.  There were times I felt as if that alone would crush me.

With some time Derek was able to deal with his grief and to wrap his mind around Colorado.  I remember sitting on the plane heading to Colorado for our One Day Work Up. He just seemed angry and bitter that he was even on the plane.  But a great first experience at CCRM did wonders to his perspective.  We both left with a renewed sense of hope that this was the answer for us.

You all know the story.  Our prep for the first CCRM cycle was interrupted by a spontaneous pregnancy.  I'll never forget the shock that I felt when the monitoring doctor told me that they had found a gestational sac during what I thought was my suppression ultrasound.  How could we not have thought that was a our miracle and our redemption?  The timing and circumstances just seemed so perfect.  The feeling of sitting in that first sono and actually having something to see for the first time after all the failures is indescribable.  And seeing and hearing the little heartbeat - I thought my own heart would burst with joy.  Then to have it all come crashing down.  I've sat through a sono before that should have showed a 7 week baby, but there was nothing to see.  It was the worst experience of my life up until this point.  Sitting at that 9 week sono and having the tech go from the wand on my belly to internal.  Searching, searching for a heartbeat that wasn't there any longer, only to call in my sweet OB to confirm.  She held my hand and cried with us as she looked at the silent screen.  This was not our time.  No matter how perfect the circumstances seemed.  The next couple of weeks are a complete blur.  I wrote about the actual miscarriage and don't have the strength even today to get in to how terrible it was again.  I don't know how I survived the pain.  I woke up each morning wishing, praying that it was all just over.  But somehow we were able to drag ourselves out of the hole and resume life.  Looking back it's probably a good thing that it took so long for my HCG to come down.  It gave us the time we really needed to deal with what had happened rather than just shoving it aside and rushing into the next cycle (my typical go-to plan).  It's one of those experiences in your life that define you.  There's the before and the after.  And I can honestly say that I will be forever changed by that heartache and grief.

So no 2015 was not the best year ever.  Although it ended in the absolute best way I could have ever dreamed of.  Looking ahead to 2016 it scares me to think that this *should* be THE year.  The year we bring our sweet babies home.  The year our family is finally, finally complete.  The year I become a mother and make the love of my life's dreams come true.  This *should* be our year.  But there's still so far to go, so many obstacles to overcome.  I know as well as anyone just how precious life is and how quickly it can be taken away and your circumstances can change.  And because I know that I cherish every second of this pregnancy.  I know I talk a lot about my worries and fears and believe me they have not diminished as we navigate our 2nd trimester and wrap up our 4th month of pregnancy.  But I am enjoying this pregnancy as much as I"m capable of after what I've experienced.  I wake up every day grateful for more one day of being these babies mommy.   I pray every day that they continue to grow and develop into healthy babies that we will one day hold in our arms.  I thank God for our miracles.  And I let myself believe that this will be THE year.

A Different Kind of Christmas

There's just something about the holidays.  It seems as if they either invoke so much happiness and joy or just complete despair.  No in between.  My last two Christmases haven't been what I'd call stellar.  2013 we were in the midst of our first 2ww from our first IVF.  Although I was hopeful I was still scared, anxious, worried, and wondering.  Last year I was in Depot Lupron hell.  We were awaiting our 5th IVF transfer and did 2 months of Depot Lupron after a hysteroscopy to treat my endometriosis.  After a failed transfer in Aug. I was hoping to transfer that Oct. but obviously that didn't happen.  I was stuck in the Waiting Room.  Wishing and hoping desperately for a baby and becoming more and more discouraged with each passing day.  I remember just making a pile of unopened Christmas cards.  I couldn't bear the idea of opening them and seeing all of the sweet smiling faces of kiddos and families.  All I wanted was to fast forward to 2015, a new year, a fresh start.  One I was hoping and praying would finally bring us the start of our family.  

One would have thought this year Christmas would be an absolutely magical time.  And believe me part of it was.  But there was another part of me that just can't forget the feeling of another year passing and being no closer to having the child you want so desperately.  In fact it wasn't that long ago that I assumed I would still be in that boat this Christmas.  We thought we'd be in the midst of the Family Building Plan at CCRM right now.  I had hoped to have at least one retrieval under my belt, and another one scheduled for the beginning of 2016.   However it would still be MONTHS before we'd be in a position to transfer IF we had any normal embryos.  So much waiting.  So many unknowns.

And while I"m absolutely thrilled that we spent this Christmas 14 weeks pregnant with our miracle twins (twins you guys, it still feels like a dream) I'm still having trouble believing this is really happening.  My little bump seems to be growing each day.  Every 2 weeks we have a sono and I get to see these little loves moving and growing and just being simply amazing.  Yet, I still get nervous or uncomfortable when the conversation is focused on the babies and the future.  I still feel gun shy about buying anything related to the twins.  I've made zero effort to even clean out their bedroom, much less do any measuring, painting, etc. etc.  All the books I've read suggest you have everything done and ready to go at 24 weeks when pregnant with identical twins like ours.  And here I am 15 weeks and I can't even commit to a shower date. 

So on Christmas morning as I sat enjoying the lights of our Christmas tree with Chloe snuggled up beside me I was so filled with happiness, yet there was a part of me that was so sad.  My wounds from our infertility battle are far from healed.  I still remember entirely too clearly what it feels like to watch those lights and wonder if every Christmas will continue to be this quiet and lonely.  If there will ever be Christmas presents under that tree for your own children.  If you'll be able to get through the family gathering without breaking down.  I remember what it feels like to want it all just to be over.  And my heart breaks for everyone who is still living that nightmare.

Yes this year was a different kind of Christmas for us.  One I'm so very thankful to have experienced.  But the hurt and pain don't just disappear.  I'll forever be marked, changed by what we went through.  And I understand what it feels like to be in that moment.  For those of you still there I'm thinking about you and praying for all of you every day.  And hoping that this time next year you'll be experiencing your own different kind of Christmas.  

New Doctor, Same Ol' Worries

Tomorrow is my appointment with the Maternal Fetal Specialist.  While the idea of a 4D ultrasound is super exciting of course I'm also nervous.  My assumption is since I'll be 13 weeks is they will be doing the NT scan that is typically done between 11 - 14 weeks since it hasn't been done at my OB office.  So obviously lots of prayers that everything looks good and there aren't any abnormalities found.  We are still doing the first trimester screening Harmony test but we'll re-draw for that next week at my OB office so it will be another 7-10 days from that appointment until we get those results.

The last few days I've been having some discomfort.  It's mostly felt like some pressure or a dull ache in my pelvis region.  I've definitely had what I believe are round ligament pains.  When I roll over in bed or sneeze or get up too fast I'll have kind of a stabbing pain near my groin.  I have read that the dull ache is associated with round ligament pain as well.  Today I've had what I would call some minor cramping which also has me worried.  I finally broke down and called my doctor's office.  The nurse was very kind and assured me that she thinks it's just stretching and growing from the babies.  She advised to drink lots of water and take it easy so that's what I'm doing.  Just praying so hard that all is still well.  I don't mind the discomfort at all, it's just the worry that something might be wrong.

In more exciting news we have started to spread the news to our friends and extended families.  We had some "announcement" pictures taken and have been using them to share our news.  We still haven't made a big Facebook announcement.  I'm actually struggling with that.  D is trying to decide how much of our story he's comfortable sharing.  And being on the receiving end of those announcements for years while we were trying so desperately makes me never want someone else to feel the way I have felt.   However I do remember a specific announcement of a friend from college that I'm not necessarily close with.  When she announced she shared their struggle, as well as an open invitation to reach out for anyone else who might be struggling, having lived through it.  So I think if we do decide on a FB announcement I'd like to do something similar.  Ultimately her story gave me hope and another resource/perspective/shoulder during my struggle.  To this day I still smile every time I see a post with a picture of her sweet toddler.

This brings me to another topic I've been struggling with.  When some friends have heard our news I've had a couple people ask us if the twins were "natural".  Even though we've kept the details of our struggle private most people know we have been trying for a couple years now.  So even if they aren't in the know they can speculate.  The question rubs me wrong for several reasons.  First what is the alternative to natural - unnatural??  Regardless of how any child is conceived there's never an unnatural way.  A child isn't less or more if you got pregnant on your own vs, help from treatments, vs. donor eggs or sperm or adoption.  Next - why does it matter??  Outside of people just being nosy I don't see why it matters if we conceived on our own or had help?  Finally after everything we've been through I'm almost hesitant to admit that these miracles are a result of an unassisted cycle.  The main reason being because I feel like it validates the stupid comments that we all hear so often.  That if we just relax it will happen, or it happened when we stopped trying, etc. etc.  The second reason is because I know this is not a typical ending for someone struggling with infertility.  I know it DOES happen (obviously) but most people will NEED some sort of assistance to grow their family.  Part of me feels like we are one of the few lucky ones but then when I think back to everything we've gone through and all the heartache it's pretty hard to feel lucky.  The one thing I do know is these babies are a gift from God, our miracles.  I have no idea if we'd be where we are today if we hadn't gone through everything we have.  My gut tells me we wouldn't.  And it's been worth every pill, every uncomfortable exam, every injection, every tear.  These babies are worth all of that and more.  I only wish that every couple who struggles with infertility was guaranteed a happy ending.  I know that's not the case.  So I guess that does make us one of the lucky ones.

12 weeks and counting.........

One more milestone down!  We had our sono today (11 weeks 6 days) and it was absolutely amazing!  The babies are SO big you guys.  Like big enough we didn't even need to zoom in!  They measured 12 weeks 2 days and 11 weeks 6 days.  Although Baby B was curled up a little bit and they were both moving around like crazy.  I'm talking arms and legs going like crazy.  It was absolutely mind blowing.  Their heart rates were 166 and 158.  We had trouble getting the second heart rate because he or she was moving around SO much.  

In other exciting news the small hemorrage I had was no where to be found (yeah!) and my cervix was long and closed and looked great.  In unexciting news we found out that we'll need to retest for my 1st trimester screening test.  We drew it at 9 weeks 6 days and due to the fact that it's twins there wasn't enough of the sample to test for both of them.  My doctor reassured me multiple times that there's no correlation with something being wrong and having to retest so I'm trying to trust her and not freak out about it.  On their website it does say to do the test between 11-14 weeks but my office said anytime after 10 weeks was okay.  So more waiting on those results.  I go to see the MFM for the first time next week so I'm hoping that sono will offer us some reassurance during that wait.  

So here we are.  Entering week 12.  Wow.  I never dreamed we would actually get here.  I know there's still a long way to go, but for today my heart is so happy and thankful.  

Below are pictures of our miracles.  OUR BABIES.  Wow.  

The Cycle

Well here we are again.  The day before sono day.  I just can't shake the worry and fears.  Tomorrow I will be 11 weeks 6 days.  Not only do we have our sono but we'll get the results from our first trimester screening test, the Harmony test which provides advanced screening for chromosomes 21 (down syndrome), 13 and 18 (which are the most common chronological disorders).

It's really hard to think of anything else but what tomorrow might bring.  The thought of getting through the day with all good news brings me such relief and hope.  The fear that something is wrong is paralyzing.  I pray throughout the day all day long that these little ones are continuing to grow and develop into healthy babies.  But when push comes to shove I just don't trust my body.  It has let me down so many times before.  And while I want so badly to think that this is finally our time I just can't be sure.

I was feeling much better as I started my 11th week.  Less tired and generally just less of the overall crappy feeling I'd been struggling with.  I had a few good days then a really bad day yesterday and today isn't much better.  I'm still taking the progesterone suppositories.  And now with the placenta starting to take over and hopefully produce it's own progesterone I wonder if I'm on overload.  I'm terribly bloated (when I wake up in the morning I just look pudgy but by bedtime I look blatantly pregnant), struggling with food, and the last couple days overly tired again.  I'm hoping these are all good signs.  Honestly I would feel like crap happily every day if it meant my babies were growing and doing well.

We also finally have our first appointment with the MFM scheduled for next week.  I know if by some miracle everything is okay tomorrow I will be anxiously awaiting that appointment.  D and I have decided if we get through all of that and everything is good then we'll make an announcement about the pregnancy.  I know our families are dying to shout it from the rooftops and there's a part of me that is too, but another part that is just so scared of something going wrong still.  Infertility is hard but one thing I never knew was how hard pregnancy after infertility is.  Don't get me wrong I'll take the fear of pregnancy any day over the struggle with infertility.  But it just seems that after we fight as hard as we do to become pregnant it should be an easy stress free road.  Maybe it is for some, but not the case for me.

So I ask you all, yet again, to say some prayers for our babies tonight.  We are praying so hard that the screening comes back low risk/normal and that both of our little miracles have continued to grow on schedule with strong heart beats.  As always thanks for the love and support and here's to hoping we are entering the 2nd trimester!

A wedding and a not so secret pregnancy

I am the worse blogger ever.  I can't believe I didn't update after our appointment last week.  If there's anyone waiting on pins and needles everything was great.  On Wednesday at the appointment we were 9 weeks 6 days.  Baby A measured 10 weeks exactly with a heart rate of 165bpm.  Baby B measured 9 weeks 5 days with the same heart rate of 164.  You guys they were both jumping around like crazy.  We had a hard time getting an accurate reading on Baby B's heart and length since he or she was moving so much.  It was so crazy.  My mom and my mother in law both came with me since we decided to have D stay at work for this one (he's a teacher and has missed so much school with these appointments).  We ended up FaceTiming him so it was basically a circus in the sono room.  But such a relief that they were both doing great.  This still just all feels like a dream to me.  It's so hard for me to actually wrap my head around the fact that we've made it this far.

We had a great holiday.  On Thursday we traveled to have Thanksgiving with my extended family.  My Aunt and Grandma already knew about the babies but I got to tell my two cousins that I'm closest with, which was a lot of fun.  I wanted to wait until 12 weeks to tell them but my Mom was literally bursting with the news so I caved.  Then this weekend my brother in law got married.  Our family has been consumed with wedding plans for months now so it was very exciting that it was finally here.  D and I both stood up with them so it was a crazy weekend of running around to get everything decorated and set up and then a long day on Saturday at the salon, taking pictures, etc.  Between my expanding waist and all the bloat there really wasn't much hiding the fact that I'm pregnant in my bridesmaid dress.  I got the first question about it Friday night at the Rehearsal dinner and they just kept coming on Sat.  For those that flat out asked if I was pregnant (yes, several people did that?!) I just told them that it was still early and due to the issues we've had in the past we weren't telling people until we were out of the first trimester.  Most of the people that asked knew at the very least that we've been trying a long time, and some of them even knew we've had multiple miscarriages.  There were a couple people who I am not remotely close with who flat out asked which was just shocking to me.  You'd think after almost three years of struggling I'd be used to it.

That was our weekend in a nutshell.  So much to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.  As I said before it still just doesn't seem real.  This week I'm traveling for work all week long.  So there's not even the possiblity for a sono.  Which is scary to me.  Our next appointment is scheduled for Wed. Dec. 9th at our OBGYN's office.  However we should get a call from the MFM specialist this week.  If they can see us next week then we'll bump our appointment at my OB's as there's no sense in seeing both of them the same week.  I'm anxious to get into the MFM so I hope they call soon.  We also did the Harmony first trimester screening tests last week.  For those of you that aren't familiar they now have very advanced blood tests for the first trimester screening.  It will test for all of the common genetic disorders such as Down Syndrome, Trisomy 18, etc.  They are much more accurate than the old quad marker tests.  In addition they can tell you sex of the baby which was super exciting until my nurse broke it to me that with twins it won't be able to tell us.  Which surprises me especially since they are identical?  But honestly I'm not even disappointed about that.  I have zero preference as far as the sex goes.  I just want them to be healthy.  I get sick to my stomach when I start thinking about getting those test results so I'm trying just to put it out of my mind and I"m praying every day that they just continue to grow into healthy babies. The test results usually take 7-10 days but with the holidays my doctor's office said to expect two weeks.  So we should get the results about the same time as our next sono appointment.  If by some miracle those results come back normal and we get through the first 4D sono at the MFM's office with no red flags I will be absolutely beside myself.  I know there's still so much risk but those are some big milestones for sure.  If all is well we will officially make an announcement.  I've been thinking a lot about how I want to do that,

Real or Not Real

The title to this post has two meanings.  The first being it was opening weekend for the last Hunger Games movie which I went and saw and it was awesome.  The second is of course, related to this pregnancy.

Each day is filled with worry on if everything is progressing as it should be.  On Wednesday of last week, the day after our Scary Morning, I got a call from the doctor's office saying that my progesterone level was at 15 and they wanted me to start on suppositories.  My OBGYN likes to see your progesterone above 20, although I know CCRM told me that 9 was the lowest end of "normal".  After panicking and researching I discovered that progesterone levels can/do fluctuate during the day.  Most of my appointments have been in the morning but my last blood draw was an afternoon appointment.  I also read that starting week 8-9 progesterone levels *can* decrease as the placenta starts to take over (though this won't be complete until week 12ish).  You would think all of that information would make me feel better.  Nope.  The fact that I had some bleeding (even though they could give me an answer for why it was happening and weren't concerned) with the decreasing progesterone levels has made me feel like it's the beginning of the end of this pregnancy.  I'm just so terrified of losing these precious babies.  And it consumes me.  I know it's not good for me or the babies.  And I do everything I can to try and think positive thoughts.  But after all we've been through it's just so hard NOT to worry and obsess.  I had a couple days where I felt pretty good, which of course makes me nervous.  In addition now that I started the progesterone I find no comfort in my symptoms since they can all be attributed to the suppositories.

I've also taken to obsessing over my belly.  By the end of the day it's actually pretty big due to all the bloating.  But when I wake up in the morning it really doesn't look any different than when I was not pregnant except maybe slightly noticeable that I've gained a couple pounds.  My regular clothes fit fine in the morning although they are uncomfortable by the evening due to the bloat.  At 9 1/2 weeks I just feel like with twins I should be showing more.  However this is obviously my first baby(ies) and I'm 5'8' tall with a long torso. Plus the babies are still the size of peanuts (literally that's the food reference this week) so how big should I really be?

Welcome to my world of crazy.  These are the thoughts that run through my mind non stop every day.  I'm actually relieved to be back at work today so I have more of a distraction to keep my mind occupied.  Wednesday is our next sono at 9 weeks 6 days.  I know I say this every time but I feel like this is a big milestone for us.  If all is okay on Wed. our next appointment will be our 12 week with the MFM.  There's a million other worries associated with that appointment but I won't even go there now.  One milestone at a time.  I pray constantly throughout the day for these two little miracles that God has blessed us with.  And I'll gladly deal with the worry and stress for the whole 9 months to get two little healthy babies at the end.  I'll endure absolutely anything for their health and safety.  I just pray so hard that I get that chance.

Scary Morning

It's been quite a morning here.  Yesterday I called and talked to my nurse and they scheduled me for a sono at 8:30 this morning.  Well my alarm went off at 6am and I got up to pee which includes a normal 5 min inspection of the toilet paper.  However as soon as I whipped I saw blood.  I screamed loud enough that D jumped out of bed and came flying into the bathroom.  I immediately started bawling.  Thank goodness he kept his head.  He led me back to bed and just told me to lay down.  My parents were coming to the sono with me today since D is a teacher and can't be missing school once a week.  He quickly threw some clothes on and said he would run to school and get everything squared away for a sub and then come back to get me to take me to the doctors appointment.  While he was gone I just layed there praying so hard.  I called my parents and they said they would still meet us at the appointment to be there for moral support.  D was back so quick and we hit the road.  We got to the appointment 15 minutes early only to find out the sono tech wasn't going to be there until 9.  So we had a 45 min. wait.  I'm so thankful my parents were there to distract and support us otherwise I'm sure I would have just sat there and cried the entire time.  I went back to go to the bathroom and talked to a couple of the nurses.  They were very positive and said there's a lot of different reasons for bleeding outside of miscarriage and we just needed to wait and see.

Finally we got called back by the sono tech.  It was the same sweet woman we had at our last bad sono when we didn't see a heartbeat.  I actually felt kind of bad for her through my own worry and sadness.  She got us started pretty quickly but did not turn on the big flat screen that we watch.  She just had her little computer screen on.  She quickly assured us that she saw one heartbeat and then another.  Huge sigh of relief.  Then she turned the big screen on and I could tell right away that they had grown.  She did some quick measurements and they came in at 8 weeks 4 days and 8 weeks 5 days (I am 8w5d today!).  We then listened to each little heartbeat individually.  They were both measuring 174bpm!  That was great news as last week Baby A that had originally measured behind had caught up in size but it's heart rate was at 148 which was on the lowest end of average for that time.  So good news all the way around.

She also thought she could very faintly see the membrane separating their amniotic sacs!  This is something I have been praying so hard for since the risk with MoMo twins are so high.  Another huge relief.

After a little more inspection she pointed out two different areas of my uterus where she could see some tissue coming loose.  It was kind of confusing but I took it as it's sort of break through bleeding from when you should be having your period.  One of the areas was very close to my cervix so it was what was most likely causing the bleeding I had today.  There was another area near the top of my uterus that she said could cause more bleeding at a later time.  Obviously this all still worries me but I feel better knowing that it could happen again and there's a non-threatening reason for it.  She said it was fairly common in early pregnancy.

So overall good news today and a huge relief.  I'm not going to lie there's a part of me that is so scared that everything was fine today but it's the beginning of the end.  Even after all of the reassurance today it's still very nerve wracking.  But the good news is we kept our appointment for next Wed so we only have a week to wait until we get another update.  That will be 10 weeks which I feel like is a big milestone!.  Knowing they are both growing so well and have strong heartbeats does do a lot to calm my crazy though.

We ask for your continued prayers through this scary time!  It means so much.

Letting go of the Worries

It's Monday also known as 8 weeks 4 days!  I survived the weekend which included a bachelorette party for my future sister in law.  Fake drinking is HARD girls.  I'm pretty sure a few of the girls were suspicious but it is what it is.  I managed to stay out with the group until 11:30pm but then I gave in and went back to the hotel.  Yesterday I slept from 11:30-3:30 in the afternoon and still fell asleep on the couch before 9pm.  So.  Tired.  I'm still have really sore boobs, and just a general feeling of ickiness most days.  But no throwing up yet which is good I guess.  I'd gladly puke my guts out every day if it gave me some reassurance but honestly I don't think anything is capable of that.

As I mentioned in my last post I am not scheduled to go back to the doctor until the Wed. before Thanksgiving.  I decided this morning that just wasn't going to work.  I just couldn't wait that long without knowing if the babies were okay.  So I called my OB today and they scheduled me for a sono tomorrow morning.  I feel a little bit crazy but honestly I don't even care.  I'm hoping and praying so hard that everything is still good and it will offer me a little bit of reassurance.  I can't even think about the alternative.

Realistically I know that at some point I am going to have to go longer than 7 days but I just decided that doesn't need to be in the first trimester.  My hope is after we get through 12 weeks I'll feel a little bit better and will be able to make it the 2 weeks between appointments.  There's really no reason for me to be anxious.  I haven't had any bleeding, my symptoms haven't gone away.  I have been having what I'd call a pulling or stretching sensation along with some pressure in my uterus.  It's not painful so I wouldn't call it cramps but it has been pretty consistent the last two days.  The hope is it's just things stretching and growing in there but with everything that's happened I just can't rest easy.  A part of me wonders that even if everything is okay if I'll ever be able to relax.

The Power of Prayer

You guys.  God is SO good.  As are all of the amazing people in our life who love, support and pray for us.  Every single one of our prayers were answered today.  The babies are both doing great.  They are BOTH measuring exactly the same at 8 weeks (1.53cm) which is actually a day ahead!  Baby A's heartbeat was 148 and Baby B's (I really need to come up with better names for them!) was 160.  I could tell right away that they have both grown SO much!  We confirmed that there are two yolk sacs which as I mentioned before is a strong indicator that there is a membrane separating them.  The yolk sacs are actually overlapping - one is in front of the other.  They are the blob between the babies in the sono picture.

I don't really have words for my feelings.  Of course the worry and fear has not left.  But aside from that I'm feeling just completely overwhelmed with joy and hope, happiness and love.  I find myself in tears on and off all day long just thinking about them.  And even though the fear and anxiety is always present I'm doing my best to really ENJOY this pregnancy as much as I can.  D walks around beaming from ear to ear.  He's so so happy you guys.  I know that we both have had some dark times but I guess I hadn't realized just how much this has affected him until now.  Until I see him rejoicing and filled with hope.  And to know that I am a part of giving him a gift that has made him this happy just overwhelms me.  In my darkest times I've felt as if this wasn't happening for us because I didn't deserve it.  And the fact that he does, so much, more than anyone in this world just broke me.  To be able to help heal his shattered heart, it just fills me up.  I love this man so much and he will be the very best father.  Of that I am sure. (cue more uncontrollable tears).

So this is where we are.  I'm amazed and in awe and so very thankful for our current state.  I know it's still so early and a lot can happen but for today we celebrate and give thanks.  One day at a time, one milestone at a time.

We will go back to see my OB in 2 weeks for another sono.  If everything is good we'll do our first trimester screenings then.  They also are calling in a referral for me to the Maternal Fetal Specialist.  They will call me to set up an appointment but they warned me they probably won't want to see me until 12 weeks.  Between the two offices I'll have appointments every two weeks and ultrasounds to hear the heartbeats at each appointment.  Two weeks is feeling SO far away right now.  But I am hopeful that the time passes quickly and I'm praying every second that God continues to help these babies grow and development and that they are healthy.

Twins.  Can you believe it?

Feeling all the Feels

Feeling all the Feels.  I love this expression as there's usually so many different emotions tied to the BIG events or circumstances in our lives.  This seems especially true for my current situation.  Today I am 7 weeks 4 days (note the use of my present term vs. the word *should* - that's my positivity people!).  I think the shock of the news is slowly starting to wear off.  I'm still constantly looking at the ultrasound pictures in awe but it feels more real to me.  Physically I feel like I'm getting bigger everyday.  My fitted clothes are definitely uncomfortable and my waist seems to be disappearing fast.  I've gained approx. 4lbs already which feels like A LOT to me.  However I still think a portion of this can be attributed to bloating.  I've been feeling pretty crappy overall which is great news!  My boobs have been very sore, I've been really tired and just feel..... off.  Still no morning sickness or even really any nausea.  It's more that nothing sounds good to eat.  But I am constantly STARVING.  But when I do eat I feel like I get full really quickly.  Like I can't eat another bite but I'm still hungry.  It's the oddest thing.  I did read an article that all this is common in twin pregnancies.  In fact I was shocked that the whole article described everything I've been feeling.  So that was reassuring.

Saturday I had a good day where I felt pretty good.  As the day went on I noticed that my boobs weren't hurting at all.  Not really even a little bit.  Of course that sent me into a spiral of my pregnancy symptoms were disappearing and we had lost BOTH babies and how the hell was I ever going to deal with that.  Poor D did the best he could to talk me off the ledge.  By that evening I felt like my boobs were starting to hurt again and yesterday everything was back in full force and I was feeling awful and slept from 11am-2pm and still went to bed at 8:45 and slept until 6am this morning (Of course I got up to pee twice).  So I'm praying constantly that both babies are growing and developing and everything is going well.

Enough of the BAD feelings and onto the good.  Obviously when we think about the concept of this actually working out we are overcome with excitement.  I'm not naive guys.  I know having twins would be HARD.  I know we'll be exhausted and overwhelmed and terrified for a million new reason when (not IF, but when) they get here.  But truly this is a dream come true for us.  Looking past the first trimester (which is obviously very hard for me) I know there's a lot of potential complications just with the pregnancy alone, not to mention the babies if they come early.  I've done my research on the different type of twins.  You can see from the sono picture below it appears both babies are in the same amniotic sac.  If that is in fact the case that would make them MoMoTwins (monoamniotic).  Basically they would share the same sac and placenta and they are very high risk due to the possibility of cord entanglement.  However at this early stage it can be difficult to see the membrane that separates the sacs.  It's more likely to see it between 8-10 weeks and a lot of times they won't be able to tell until your second trimester.  In addition we saw 2 yolk sacs at our last ultrasound which is not a guarantee but a good indicator there will be two sacs.  Honestly none of that is scaring me at the moment.  All I am concerned with is that they BOTH keep growing.  If God can just bless us with two healthy babies we will get through whatever difficulties and obstacles come our way.  I know we can do this.

So aside from the terror and the excitement there's also wonder, curiosity, anxiety, hope, anticipation, HAPPINESS, and finally So.  Much.  Love.  I love both these little babies so much you guys.  They already have my whole heart and there's nothing I want more than to bring them both into this world.
I feel like I have asked so much of you guys but I'm again asking you to continue to pray for these little love bugs.  Our next sono is Wednesday morning when I'll be 7 weeks 6 days.  Below is our sono picture from last Wednesday!

(That blob in between them is Baby B's yolk sac.  You can't see Baby A's in this picture).

The Day Before

We've made it to the day before our first ultrasound.  We originally were hoping to get in for the sono on Monday but with D's work schedule we really needed an afternoon appointment so they scheduled it for tomorrow afternoon.  I *should* be 6 weeks and 6 days.  To say I'm nervous or anxious is a huge understatement.  I'm basically sick to my stomach when I even think about sitting in the waiting room much less walking into the sono room.  I alternate several times an hour between thinking everything is fine and that it's doomed.  Here's what I've been telling myself for reassurance.

1.  I've had no bleeding AND my progesterone levels have been good so I'm not taking any shots or suppositories that could essentially be keeping me from bleeding if something is wrong.  

2.  I've had no major cramping or pain.  I have had twinges but I would call them mild and they only last for a minute.  I did have some back pain this weekend but it wasn't severe and could have been from me laying around and doing literally NOTHING all weekend.

3.  My boobs still hurt.  Once again no progesterone supplements that I can blame this on.  They are definitely bigger and still hurt consistently. Although some times during the day much worse than others.  

4.  I'm more tired this time than I"ve ever been.  I've heard a lot of pregnant women talk about how they are so tired they just completely Can.  Not.  Function.   While it definitely hasn't been that extreme for me I have been more tired than usual.  

That's all I got.  Really no nausea or morning sickness.  No food aversions although sometimes nothing at all sounds good to eat.  

So that would lead me to reasons I would believe things aren't okay

1.  It's me.

That's all I've got.  My past and history are the red flags and really the only signal to me that everything isn't okay.  But it's a pretty big one.  I have definitely been trying to stay positive and hopeful and I think I've been doing a good job.  While also recognizing how scared I am and trying to be realistic.  While the thought of the sono is absolutely terrifying at least we'll have some more information one way or another.  So between now and then all of your prayers are greatly appreciated.  

The Imposter

I started this post yesterday but since I have the results from beta #4 I'll lead with that.  It came back at 13,760 and my progesterone was 26.  My nurse who called me said the numbers looked "perfect" but I was panicked because if it continued to double it should have been higher.  But after some consulting Dr. Google I found this which provided some comfort.


"As your pregnancy develops, the hcg increase slows down significantly. Between 1,200 and 6,000 mIU/ml serum, the hCG usually takes about 72-96 hours to double, and above 6,000 mIU/ml, the hCG often takes over four or more days to double. It makes little sense to follow the hCG values above 6,000 mIU/ml as at this point the increase is normally slower and not related to how well the pregnancy is doing."

So I'm going to choose to believe my nurse that everything is progressing fine.  We scheduled an ultrasound for a week from today.  I should be 6 weeks 6 days at that point.  I'm not even going to try to go in to my feeling about walking back into the sono room.  That is for a post for another day.  Below is what I started last night......


These past few months have been filled with so many different emotions that there's no way I could tackle them all in one blog post (nor do most of you have the attention span to listen to that much rambling!).  But one of the major issues/feelings I've been struggling with lately is feeling out of place.  You see for the last couple of years my primary focus has been on our infertility.  As soon as I got my diagnosis (elevated FSH) I began researching like a crazy person.  It didn't take me long to find this amazing community and to jump head first into absorbing all of your stories and advice.  Soon there after I began my own blog and started forming some solid friendships based on these shared circumstances.  I found comfort in the fact that I wasn't facing this alone and that there were others out there that understood how I felt.  Others that had walked in my shoes and not only survived, but found a way to make their dreams come true.  In July when I found myself pregnant naturally after I got over the initial shock I thought "maybe I am one of the lucky ones".  Not that I consider 2+ years of infertility treatments and failed cycles "lucky".  But maybe this miraculous occurrence was it for us and we wouldn't have to face the stress and anxiety of another cycle (much less spend the 10's of thousands of dollars!).  When I left the devastating ultrasound where there was no heartbeat I distinctly remember thinking how stupid I was to think I could actually escape my infertility.  And although I was devastated by that loss I remember how comfortable it was to slip my cloak of infertility back on.  This is what I know, what I've become comfortable with.  I understand protocols and hormone levels and I know what our odds of success are.  So while I wasn't exactly excited to be back on the bus at least my seat was one I was familiar with.

Fast forward to two weeks ago when I got my second positive pregnancy test.  I touched on my initial post how my first reaction was one of anger.  I just could not believe this was happening AGAIN.  All the pain from the last miscarriage was still so raw.  I just sat there crying thinking I can NOT go though this again.  I won't survive it.  But of course I did.  We got the first beta and then the second and then the third.  Slowly symptoms started to appear.  My breasts got more and more sore, food became less and less appealing.  I started going to bed earlier and noticing I was increasing more tired.  Of course with each passing day and each milestone you begin to hope more and more.  

I thought several times about posting an update on my blog and one thing always stopped me.  Being infertile and getting pregnant on your own once - that's a fluke.  That happens.  We celebrate that and are here to cheer the person on and support them with our thoughts and prayers.  But getting pregnant twice in a row......  where does that leave me?  I worried that my news would be hurtful or annoying to my sisters who are still in the trenches.  I've always had this vision of once we finally had a successful transfer and made it WELL past the first trimester I would magically have the courage and strength to speak out about our situation.  I would become the advocate that I've always wanted to be for infertility.  Part of the reason that this blog is anonymous is because my husband isn't comfortable with having this very personal issue public.  But there are other reasons as well.  I'm not sure my heart can handle the response from people who aren't educated on infertility and it's treatments.  I'm not sure I can handle the well meaning advice from people who haven't walked this path.  I've also constantly struggled through every failed cycle feeling like I'm disappointing those closest to me with the failure.  Between that and carrying around their sadness I feel like I would drown.

But infertility awareness is something I've become so passionate about.  Having this community and knowing there's so many other women struggling with this has been life support for me.  And I WANT to give back.  I always thought once I had my miracle baby I would be able to do that.  If this pregnancy is viable and God willing we end up with our miracle baby does that disqualify me from the club?  I still FEEL infertile.  My test results and history prove that I am.  If I get and manage to stay pregnant naturally I"m not sure where that leaves me......