Hello world. It's been 7 weeks and I'm so relieved to report that my HCG level is FINALLY back down to 1. We tested the Friday of Labor Day weekend and it came back at a 7. Ugh. One more trip last week and it's finally, officially over. We are now just waiting for my period to start and we can re-start our first cycle at CCRM. I am more than ready to get things rolling. We still haven't made any decisions on the Family Building Plan vs. a single cycle at CCRM. I really think we are just going to wait and see how the cycle is looking and what the recommendations are. For us it will most likely be a last min decision the day of retrieval. I am asking and trusting that God will guide us to make the right choice.
That's something I've been given a lot of thought to lately. Faith and trust in God and His plan. I recently spent some one on one time with a close friend of mine and while talking about moving forward with CCRM she had a lot of hard questions for me to answer. Basically she can't really understand after 3 retrievals, five transfers, and one spontaneous pregnancy why I think CCRM is going to be able help us. And while it's a stab to the heart it's a logical question. She's not the first to raise the question of when enough is enough and won't be the last. I wish more than anything my situation was black and white. But it's colored so many in between shades it's hard for me to even distinguish any more. Yes, we've been through 3 fresh cycles and in each one we retrieved more eggs than the cycle before. I've had an early miscarriage, a chemical, and finally this last spontaneous pregnancy that resulted in a miscarriage after we saw a heartbeat. Where the shades of gray fall are with all of the different aspects of each of those cycles. With the miscarriage the embryos were not CCS tested so we have no idea if they were genetically normal. With the chemical pregnancy the embryos were genetically tested but on Day 3, which Dr. Schoolcraft informed me could be fatally damaging to the embryos. If we had done five transfers of all "normal" embryos I would be ready to move on to a GC (even though nothing in all of the millions of tests they have ran is indicating I would have any problems carrying a baby). If we had retrieved and tested all of these eggs/embryos and none of them came back normal I would know that it's time to look into donor eggs. But for me it seems to be a mix of both. I did get genetically normal embryos, but they were most likely damaged by the day 3 genetic testing. So now I feel like my judgement is clouded and that there's no clear next path.
My simple answer for my friend is I have faith in CCRM because of their lab. Even my genetically normal embryos from my local clinic weren't perfect or even great quality. My hope is that CCRM can help us produce MORE mature eggs and their lab can help us get more, QUALITY blasts. My hope is that our "golden" egg will be found here, providing I really can carry a child. And while we are definitely open to using a GC or donor eggs, until we cycle at CCRM I don't feel like either path is clear for us.
But to my friend's point there's a very good possibility that we'll cycle at CCRM and it WON'T work. And that is going to be absolutely devastating. It's taking every last penny we have to cycle with them and if we get through this and discover that we do need a donor or a GC there's not going to be any money left at this time to explore that option. And that absolutely terrifies me. But when it comes down to it this entire journey has been blind faith. There are no guarantees. No amount of hard work, dedication, or shear desire will make this successful. We have no control over the outcome no matter what supplements I take, food or drinks I give up, or how much I exercise or take care of my body. Yes there's things we can to do help but ultimately it's out of our control.
So to me it becomes a choice. I can give up or I can have faith. Blind trust in God and His plan. Even after ALL of our failures and everything we've been through I still feel in my gut that I am meant to be a mother. Honestly (and I may just be in severe denial here) but I still feel like I will carry that child. There's definitely days that I'm more sure than others, and there's also days where I feel like giving up. But one thing I know for sure is at this time there's too many unknowns. And only one way to truly get some answers. Whatever the outcome I'm ready to know.
Infertility
Showing posts with label IVF. Show all posts
Showing posts with label IVF. Show all posts
Tuesday, September 15, 2015
Thursday, August 20, 2015
Making the right choice
As we wait for my HCG level to come back down I've been struggling lately with our next steps. When we first found out that we were pregnant naturally we were cautiously optimistic. I mean we'd been pregnant before and had nothing to show for it so we knew that a positive test did not equal a baby in our arms. We agreed to look at that pregnancy as a "bonus" try for us. If it worked out then it was truly our miracle. If not, then we would move forward with our plan to go to CCRM. Well as you all now that bonus try did not work out. So here we are starting over again. And even though my heart is still grieving the loss of our miracle baby my determination has returned. We are not ready to give up on our dream of having a family. But I am questioning our chosen route.....
When we met with Dr. Schoolcraft for our regroup after my ODWU I would say he seemed optimistic. There were no red flags from all of the tests that we had ran that day. He wanted to put me on their "poor responder" protocol which is really similar to what I've done in the past but instead of suppressing me with birth control and three weeks of lupron injections CCRM has seen better results by priming patients like me with estrogen. I was/am excited to see what this change could bring for us. Obviously my hope is more mature eggs and better quality embryos. Due to my old clinic's crappy genetic testing we know that we CAN produce genetically normal embryos. But I've always struggled getting my embryos to the day 5 blast stage. The whole reason for coming to CCRM was the hope that their amazing lab could help with this.
When I say I'm questioning our route it's not going to CCRM. I still believe that's the right place for us. If we are going to do this it needs to be with the very best. However during that regroup with Dr. Schoolcraft I brought up their Family Building Plan. He agreed with me that it would be a good option for us. However being completely OOP with NO insurance coverage it's a very expensive option. About $45,000 expensive not including meds (which without any insurance will run around $6K for each cycle) and travel expenses. Ouch. We have a huge chunk of money saved but we are short of that amount. My amazing parents have offered to make up the difference for us which we are so incredibly thankful for. But I'm really struggling with what happens if we do this and drain all of our savings, tap my parents for money, and it doesn't work. Maybe we don't get any normal embryos or maybe we do and we transfer them all and despite the fact that none of the tests are indicating there's something wrong with my ability to carry there really is. And we need to go the surrogate route. We are open to donor eggs and to surrogacy if that's what it will take to get our family. However we have no way to afford either of those options after a FBP cycle at CCRM.
I had a long talk with my dad about the situation last night and he gave me some great advice. He said let's just focus on the next step and if it doesn't work we'll deal with that at that time together. It's great advice and probably what we need to do but I can't seem to stop worrying about the what if's. I want to be positive and hopeful but I feel I also NEED to be realistic . And after all these failures there's a good chance that we won't be successful this time. I've been wondering if maybe we just do one cycle at CCRM and if that would be enough to give us direction? But if we complete one cycle and we don't get any normals will I always wonder what if we had completed the FBP? Or if we do get normals but only one or two and the transfer results in a BFN or another miscarriage will that really confirm we need a surrogate? We all know having genetically normal embryos GREATLY increases the chance of success but it's still not 100%.
I know that no one can make these decisions but me and D. It's just so overwhelming when it's the most important thing you will ever do. CCRM girls I'd love to hear your thoughts on how you decided your path there and what was right for you.
When we met with Dr. Schoolcraft for our regroup after my ODWU I would say he seemed optimistic. There were no red flags from all of the tests that we had ran that day. He wanted to put me on their "poor responder" protocol which is really similar to what I've done in the past but instead of suppressing me with birth control and three weeks of lupron injections CCRM has seen better results by priming patients like me with estrogen. I was/am excited to see what this change could bring for us. Obviously my hope is more mature eggs and better quality embryos. Due to my old clinic's crappy genetic testing we know that we CAN produce genetically normal embryos. But I've always struggled getting my embryos to the day 5 blast stage. The whole reason for coming to CCRM was the hope that their amazing lab could help with this.
When I say I'm questioning our route it's not going to CCRM. I still believe that's the right place for us. If we are going to do this it needs to be with the very best. However during that regroup with Dr. Schoolcraft I brought up their Family Building Plan. He agreed with me that it would be a good option for us. However being completely OOP with NO insurance coverage it's a very expensive option. About $45,000 expensive not including meds (which without any insurance will run around $6K for each cycle) and travel expenses. Ouch. We have a huge chunk of money saved but we are short of that amount. My amazing parents have offered to make up the difference for us which we are so incredibly thankful for. But I'm really struggling with what happens if we do this and drain all of our savings, tap my parents for money, and it doesn't work. Maybe we don't get any normal embryos or maybe we do and we transfer them all and despite the fact that none of the tests are indicating there's something wrong with my ability to carry there really is. And we need to go the surrogate route. We are open to donor eggs and to surrogacy if that's what it will take to get our family. However we have no way to afford either of those options after a FBP cycle at CCRM.
I had a long talk with my dad about the situation last night and he gave me some great advice. He said let's just focus on the next step and if it doesn't work we'll deal with that at that time together. It's great advice and probably what we need to do but I can't seem to stop worrying about the what if's. I want to be positive and hopeful but I feel I also NEED to be realistic . And after all these failures there's a good chance that we won't be successful this time. I've been wondering if maybe we just do one cycle at CCRM and if that would be enough to give us direction? But if we complete one cycle and we don't get any normals will I always wonder what if we had completed the FBP? Or if we do get normals but only one or two and the transfer results in a BFN or another miscarriage will that really confirm we need a surrogate? We all know having genetically normal embryos GREATLY increases the chance of success but it's still not 100%.
I know that no one can make these decisions but me and D. It's just so overwhelming when it's the most important thing you will ever do. CCRM girls I'd love to hear your thoughts on how you decided your path there and what was right for you.
Monday, August 10, 2015
Starting Over
We got the results from the Repeated Pregnancy Loss panel back and everything was normal. On Wednesday we will see where my HCG level is at now. Once it returns to below 5 and I get a period we can start our cycle at CCRM. My protocol there is an estrogen priming one. So after my period starts I'll test for ovulation and once I get a positive ovulation test I'll start my estrogen patches. Then we add in three days of Ganerleix injections and then I should get another period and we start stims right away. It will go fast once I get that initial period - I just have no idea how long that will take.
Emotionally I'm doing okay and I feel ready to move forward. While the pain and grief are still there I don't feel like it's consuming me anymore. This morning I woke up feeling.....determined might be a good word. This has been a hard road for us with a lot of unanswered questions. But we both agree there's nothing more important to us than building a family. And until we cycle at CCRM I don't think we can truly know what our best option is. There's a lot of ways our cycle(s) with them can go. Obviously my hope is their world class lab can help us get some high quality normal blasts to transfer. If my gut is right and the root of our struggles is my shitty egg quality then that should be our solution. However I know just because an embryo has tested normal does not guarantee success. We may transfer a normal embryo and still not find success. I could miscarry again. Or it could just be a BFN. At that point I think we start to think seriously about a Gestational Carrier. We might not even get any normal blasts. Which at that point we will start to look into donor eggs. In some ways though we've been through three fresh cycles, and a total of five transfers (plus our naturally pregnancy) it feels like we are starting from scratch. Which I guess in a way we are with CCRM. And even though we've suffered nothing but disappointment after disappointment I am hopeful. I'm hopeful that their protocol which does not include suppression will be helpful for a "poor responder" like me. I'm hopeful that their amazing lab will yield better quality embryos from my crappy eggs. And as I mentioned before I'm no longer naive enough to think that a year from now this nightmare will be over, I am confident that we will know more than we do now. That our path to our family will be more defined and within our reach. That there will be light at the end of this dark, long tunnel.
Emotionally I'm doing okay and I feel ready to move forward. While the pain and grief are still there I don't feel like it's consuming me anymore. This morning I woke up feeling.....determined might be a good word. This has been a hard road for us with a lot of unanswered questions. But we both agree there's nothing more important to us than building a family. And until we cycle at CCRM I don't think we can truly know what our best option is. There's a lot of ways our cycle(s) with them can go. Obviously my hope is their world class lab can help us get some high quality normal blasts to transfer. If my gut is right and the root of our struggles is my shitty egg quality then that should be our solution. However I know just because an embryo has tested normal does not guarantee success. We may transfer a normal embryo and still not find success. I could miscarry again. Or it could just be a BFN. At that point I think we start to think seriously about a Gestational Carrier. We might not even get any normal blasts. Which at that point we will start to look into donor eggs. In some ways though we've been through three fresh cycles, and a total of five transfers (plus our naturally pregnancy) it feels like we are starting from scratch. Which I guess in a way we are with CCRM. And even though we've suffered nothing but disappointment after disappointment I am hopeful. I'm hopeful that their protocol which does not include suppression will be helpful for a "poor responder" like me. I'm hopeful that their amazing lab will yield better quality embryos from my crappy eggs. And as I mentioned before I'm no longer naive enough to think that a year from now this nightmare will be over, I am confident that we will know more than we do now. That our path to our family will be more defined and within our reach. That there will be light at the end of this dark, long tunnel.
Tuesday, August 4, 2015
One Week
It's been one week since the world came crashing down. Funny I think I've written something like this before here. I'm constantly surprised by the things the human soul can endure. On a brighter note I'm also surprised by the compassion and love that people can show. It has NOT been an easy week. However my family and friends rallied, as they always do. My best friend showed up at my house the day after even though I told her not to. She brought food, and diet Coke, and wine, and beer for D, and Ben and Jerry's ice cream, and season six (the BEST season) of Friends. She did my dirty dishes. Is there a better definition of a best friend? Our families continued to reach out to us even when we weren't responding to their phone calls and texts. They consistently showered us with love and concern. I heard from so many of our sisters in this community. My dear friend Jane, who has a brand new baby at home, fielded my endless questions regarding the actual miscarriage and what happens next. My rock, my sweet Amanda checked in with me every day and sent me a wonderful care package. I got emails from bloggers who have been following me but have never commented before. No, it was not an easy week. But despite it, I still feel blessed and thankful.
After we received the news Tues morning that there was no heartbeat I did not take my daily doses of progesterone and I actually started spotting Tuesday night. I had regular period bleeding all week. I became convinced that maybe the miscarriage would just be this steady bleeding. I was wrong. Friday early evening I started getting some bad cramps. The bleeding got heavy. To the point that I really couldn't leave the toilet. In reality it actually happened pretty fast. Less than 2 hours from start to finish. I don't want to get super graphic with you guys but if someone is reading this and going through the same thing I also want to give them some sort of a heads up. I finally passed the baby and it was not just some tissue or a clot like clump (though I had some of those as well). It was very clearly a sac with something inside. There were basically two cords attached to the sac. I think one was where it was attached to my uterus and the other was the cord going to the yolk sac or placenta. In total it was all about the size of the palm of my hand. There was one large chunk of tissue before that and another after. I was NOT prepared for any of this as the baby was measuring 7 weeks and I had read if you miscarried before 8 weeks it could just be similar to a very heavy period. Obviously that was not accurate for me. Even though it was terrible I am glad that it's over. When I woke up on Saturday morning I felt.....better. Still, obviously, very very sad. But relieved that the worst was over and I had survived.
I got my HCG level checked yesterday and it was at 1800. I'm not sure how I feel about this. Compared to where it had to have been this is obviously a big decrease. And I'm hoping now that the actual miscarriage has happened it will decrease quickly. I do feel confident that there's nothing left that I would need a D&C for or that would keep those levels from decreasing. After Friday night I'm not sure how there could be anything left. CCRM sent me orders to get it checked again next Wed. My nurse there (Cindy for anyone at CCRM) has been absolutely wonderful. Before we can move forward the level needs to return to below 5 and I need to have a period. They also ordered a Repeated Pregnancy Loss panel that I got blood drawn for yesterday. It will take a couple days to get those results. And honestly I'll be shocked if anything comes back abnormal. My gut tells me my shitty eggs are the main issue but I'm glad they are running the tests anyway.
If someone could tell me that I need donor eggs or a surrogate to get our baby I'm at the point where I would happily embrace either of those options. And while I'm not ready to give up I do wonder how much more disappointment we can take without breaking. Unfortunately I don't think we'll truly know if we need to go either of those routes until we cycle at CCRM. Which really just amounts to a lot more time and money. Due to the prior mentioned shitty eggs the plan at CCRM is their egg banking "Family Building Plan". Which is three retrievals (approx. 8 weeks between retrievals) where they freeze the embryos at the 2PN stage. After the third retrieval they grow all of the embryos out to day 5 and then providing you still have some left, they do their CSS genetic testing. It's a couple weeks to get those results and then IF you have normals you can start prepping for a transfer. The entire process takes anywhere from 6 - 9 months depending on your protocol, potential set backs (cyst, delayed periods, etc). For the last 2 + years after every disappointment I've comforted myself that if I could just fast forward a year form now this will all be over. At this point in time I'm pretty confident that a year from now this will not be behind us. And that, my friends, is a very depressing thought.
So more of the same here - waiting. D is now completely freaked out about us getting pregnant naturally. He is 100% against that and feels we need to be very cautious. I'm not sure how I feel about that. No I do not want to go through this again AT ALL. But I also have a hard time stomaching purposely preventing pregnancy. I'm just not sure what the right answer is here. Which seems to be a common theme in my life right now. Thank you to all of you for your concern and your kind words. You were all the light in the darkest of times this past week.
After we received the news Tues morning that there was no heartbeat I did not take my daily doses of progesterone and I actually started spotting Tuesday night. I had regular period bleeding all week. I became convinced that maybe the miscarriage would just be this steady bleeding. I was wrong. Friday early evening I started getting some bad cramps. The bleeding got heavy. To the point that I really couldn't leave the toilet. In reality it actually happened pretty fast. Less than 2 hours from start to finish. I don't want to get super graphic with you guys but if someone is reading this and going through the same thing I also want to give them some sort of a heads up. I finally passed the baby and it was not just some tissue or a clot like clump (though I had some of those as well). It was very clearly a sac with something inside. There were basically two cords attached to the sac. I think one was where it was attached to my uterus and the other was the cord going to the yolk sac or placenta. In total it was all about the size of the palm of my hand. There was one large chunk of tissue before that and another after. I was NOT prepared for any of this as the baby was measuring 7 weeks and I had read if you miscarried before 8 weeks it could just be similar to a very heavy period. Obviously that was not accurate for me. Even though it was terrible I am glad that it's over. When I woke up on Saturday morning I felt.....better. Still, obviously, very very sad. But relieved that the worst was over and I had survived.
I got my HCG level checked yesterday and it was at 1800. I'm not sure how I feel about this. Compared to where it had to have been this is obviously a big decrease. And I'm hoping now that the actual miscarriage has happened it will decrease quickly. I do feel confident that there's nothing left that I would need a D&C for or that would keep those levels from decreasing. After Friday night I'm not sure how there could be anything left. CCRM sent me orders to get it checked again next Wed. My nurse there (Cindy for anyone at CCRM) has been absolutely wonderful. Before we can move forward the level needs to return to below 5 and I need to have a period. They also ordered a Repeated Pregnancy Loss panel that I got blood drawn for yesterday. It will take a couple days to get those results. And honestly I'll be shocked if anything comes back abnormal. My gut tells me my shitty eggs are the main issue but I'm glad they are running the tests anyway.
If someone could tell me that I need donor eggs or a surrogate to get our baby I'm at the point where I would happily embrace either of those options. And while I'm not ready to give up I do wonder how much more disappointment we can take without breaking. Unfortunately I don't think we'll truly know if we need to go either of those routes until we cycle at CCRM. Which really just amounts to a lot more time and money. Due to the prior mentioned shitty eggs the plan at CCRM is their egg banking "Family Building Plan". Which is three retrievals (approx. 8 weeks between retrievals) where they freeze the embryos at the 2PN stage. After the third retrieval they grow all of the embryos out to day 5 and then providing you still have some left, they do their CSS genetic testing. It's a couple weeks to get those results and then IF you have normals you can start prepping for a transfer. The entire process takes anywhere from 6 - 9 months depending on your protocol, potential set backs (cyst, delayed periods, etc). For the last 2 + years after every disappointment I've comforted myself that if I could just fast forward a year form now this will all be over. At this point in time I'm pretty confident that a year from now this will not be behind us. And that, my friends, is a very depressing thought.
So more of the same here - waiting. D is now completely freaked out about us getting pregnant naturally. He is 100% against that and feels we need to be very cautious. I'm not sure how I feel about that. No I do not want to go through this again AT ALL. But I also have a hard time stomaching purposely preventing pregnancy. I'm just not sure what the right answer is here. Which seems to be a common theme in my life right now. Thank you to all of you for your concern and your kind words. You were all the light in the darkest of times this past week.
Monday, June 22, 2015
Just Keep Swimming
Hi remember Me? I feel like those of you who follow me will see this come up in your news feed and be like "Who's that girl?!". And I totally wouldn't blame you. I have unintentionally taken a hiatus from blogging. No big reason. Well...maybe that's not 100% true. I guess I can admit that I've felt a little left behind lately. That on top of the fact that there really hasn't been much to say led to the hiatus. I mean how many times can I whine about the waiting and how bad all of this sucks. You guys all know. You get it. However I finally spent some time catching up on all of your blogs and even though I am still feeling a little left behind I'm also feeling so much hope and happiness for those of you who have found success. I mean there has been some crazy awesome stuff happening to some pretty special ladies. Most of whom fought this battle longer than I have. So...renewed hope combined with a little bit of progress in my world = news worthy of a blog post!
So this CCRM thing...... it's really happening. My last cycle was ridiculous. Something like 52 days and I only got my period because we induced it. I have no idea what's going on with my body other than it's been on a lot of hormones for 2+ years and is basically just jacked up. As a quick recap I had my ODWU with CCRM in April. This appointment has be between when you stopped bleeding but before ovulation. I proactively brought my day 3 blood work with me because the AWESOME facebook group I joined online gave me the heads up that I could save myself a month if I brought it with. However the results were inconclusive So after my appt. in Colorado I still needed to wait until I started my period again to have the blood work re-done before we could get our protocol. Once again with the thought of saving time in the future I scheduled my beta 3 integrin test for the month of April (it has to be done between 9-11 days after ovulation). Those results came back inconclusive as well. Actually it came back "out of phase" which means even though I got a positive result on the ovulation stick my uterine tissue was saying that it wasn't the right time. Super. Frustrating. Then I waited forever for my period which never came and we induced it with progesterone and I think they just felt sorry for me and finally agreed to just give me my calendar. So we were able to schedule our regroup with Dr. Schoolcraft and he was......fine. Honestly I know everyone says he can be kind of a jerk but my experience with him so far as been good. He doesn't volunteer a bunch of additional information but he answers all my questions and I never feel rushed. He basically said that there were no red flags from our ODWU. My hysteroscopy and uterus looked "great" and the partially blocked tube isn't a issue since fluid isn't flowing back into my uterus. He was optimistic about my AFC (16) and felt like based upon my past response he wanted to put me on protocol 3. For you non-CCRMer's that is what they like to call their "poor responder" protocol. It's not much different from what I did at my local clinic with the exception of there will be no BCP or Lupron for suppression. Instead I'll be using estrogen patches to "prime" and we'll begin stims right after my period starts. I feel like this protocol moves FAST since I'm used to the long lupron cycles. So I'll start the patches on Wed. along with Cetrotide injections on Thurs. I should start my period on Sunday and then have an u/s and blood work on the 1st and if every thing is good begin stim meds on the 2nd. We'll travel to Colorado the next week and be monitored every day and then depending on how it goes we should be ready for retrieval that weekend or the beginning of the following week.
I think for us the biggest decision at CCRM is deciding if we are going to do the Family Building Program which is their embryo banking. Dr. Schoolcraft didn't bring it up in our regroup but I asked him about it and he said based on my previous cycles he felt like that was a good idea. How it works is it's 3 retrievals in a row (well it's about 8 weeks in between with waiting on your period and priming). They retrieve your eggs and fertilize them and freeze them at the 2PN stage. Then after your third retrieval they thaw everything and let them all grow to Day 5. At that point they do the CCS genetic testing on the embryos that have made it to blast and freeze everything again. It takes a couple weeks to get the results and then you can start prepping for a FET providing that you have "normal" embryos to transfer. I've heard the entire process takes anywhere from 6 - 9 months. Ouch. So basically we are looking at not being able to transfer until 2016. Once again....Ouch. You guys all know how brutal the waiting is. However based upon my research and conversations with others I was expecting this. So while I wasn't completely devastated by the news it's still a hard pill to swallow.
As of right now I think we've decided that is our plan. The hope being we'll suck it up and do this and this will be the last time we'll ever have to do retrievals. We are praying that we get enough normals to at least get one take home baby....possibly even two. And then it's all worth it right?
I'd be lying if I said I'm not secretly hoping for great numbers and the possibility that we could only have to do 2 retrievals vs. the 3. If we could get results similar to my last cycle at my local clinic I think we'd definitely be in that boat. But I'm also super nervous about how I"m going to respond to this new protocol, not to mention that I haven't done a retrieval in 9 months. What if my body has forgotten how to make eggs?! There's all sorts of fears that come along with trying something new but I just have to keep reminding myself of all the reasons we chose to come to CCRM in the first place.
One day at a time. One foot in front of the other. Just. Keep. Swimming.
So this CCRM thing...... it's really happening. My last cycle was ridiculous. Something like 52 days and I only got my period because we induced it. I have no idea what's going on with my body other than it's been on a lot of hormones for 2+ years and is basically just jacked up. As a quick recap I had my ODWU with CCRM in April. This appointment has be between when you stopped bleeding but before ovulation. I proactively brought my day 3 blood work with me because the AWESOME facebook group I joined online gave me the heads up that I could save myself a month if I brought it with. However the results were inconclusive So after my appt. in Colorado I still needed to wait until I started my period again to have the blood work re-done before we could get our protocol. Once again with the thought of saving time in the future I scheduled my beta 3 integrin test for the month of April (it has to be done between 9-11 days after ovulation). Those results came back inconclusive as well. Actually it came back "out of phase" which means even though I got a positive result on the ovulation stick my uterine tissue was saying that it wasn't the right time. Super. Frustrating. Then I waited forever for my period which never came and we induced it with progesterone and I think they just felt sorry for me and finally agreed to just give me my calendar. So we were able to schedule our regroup with Dr. Schoolcraft and he was......fine. Honestly I know everyone says he can be kind of a jerk but my experience with him so far as been good. He doesn't volunteer a bunch of additional information but he answers all my questions and I never feel rushed. He basically said that there were no red flags from our ODWU. My hysteroscopy and uterus looked "great" and the partially blocked tube isn't a issue since fluid isn't flowing back into my uterus. He was optimistic about my AFC (16) and felt like based upon my past response he wanted to put me on protocol 3. For you non-CCRMer's that is what they like to call their "poor responder" protocol. It's not much different from what I did at my local clinic with the exception of there will be no BCP or Lupron for suppression. Instead I'll be using estrogen patches to "prime" and we'll begin stims right after my period starts. I feel like this protocol moves FAST since I'm used to the long lupron cycles. So I'll start the patches on Wed. along with Cetrotide injections on Thurs. I should start my period on Sunday and then have an u/s and blood work on the 1st and if every thing is good begin stim meds on the 2nd. We'll travel to Colorado the next week and be monitored every day and then depending on how it goes we should be ready for retrieval that weekend or the beginning of the following week.
I think for us the biggest decision at CCRM is deciding if we are going to do the Family Building Program which is their embryo banking. Dr. Schoolcraft didn't bring it up in our regroup but I asked him about it and he said based on my previous cycles he felt like that was a good idea. How it works is it's 3 retrievals in a row (well it's about 8 weeks in between with waiting on your period and priming). They retrieve your eggs and fertilize them and freeze them at the 2PN stage. Then after your third retrieval they thaw everything and let them all grow to Day 5. At that point they do the CCS genetic testing on the embryos that have made it to blast and freeze everything again. It takes a couple weeks to get the results and then you can start prepping for a FET providing that you have "normal" embryos to transfer. I've heard the entire process takes anywhere from 6 - 9 months. Ouch. So basically we are looking at not being able to transfer until 2016. Once again....Ouch. You guys all know how brutal the waiting is. However based upon my research and conversations with others I was expecting this. So while I wasn't completely devastated by the news it's still a hard pill to swallow.
As of right now I think we've decided that is our plan. The hope being we'll suck it up and do this and this will be the last time we'll ever have to do retrievals. We are praying that we get enough normals to at least get one take home baby....possibly even two. And then it's all worth it right?
I'd be lying if I said I'm not secretly hoping for great numbers and the possibility that we could only have to do 2 retrievals vs. the 3. If we could get results similar to my last cycle at my local clinic I think we'd definitely be in that boat. But I'm also super nervous about how I"m going to respond to this new protocol, not to mention that I haven't done a retrieval in 9 months. What if my body has forgotten how to make eggs?! There's all sorts of fears that come along with trying something new but I just have to keep reminding myself of all the reasons we chose to come to CCRM in the first place.
One day at a time. One foot in front of the other. Just. Keep. Swimming.
Tuesday, May 19, 2015
The Hunt
I'm the worst blogger ever. I've sat down to write several times but there's nothing to say. Nothing's changed since my last post. My bloodwork came back and my estrogen level was raised indicating a cyst. We gave it a couple weeks hoping it would resolve itself but still nothing. I have an ultrasound scheduled for Thursday with my OBGYN. Depending on the size of the cyst we'll either drain it or start me on birth control for a week to shrink it.
I can't believe that May is almost over and we haven't progressed any further since April. I really hoped I'd be on meds by now with a June retrieval on the horizon. When do you think I'll finally realize there is no planning, no control. Have I mentioned how much I hate that??
However I am happy to report D seems to be back to his old self. It was a rough couple of months after our last failed cycle but I think the change in weather has really helped. We survived another Mother's Day. As usual it wasn't easy. I woke up and gave myself a mental pep talk in the shower. However I got out and took one look at him and lost it. He told me that he knows I'll be an amazing mother some day and I'm already amazing mother to our sweet Chloe. After a good cry I pulled myself together and we headed to my parents. It was nice to be able to hide out at their place and I think my mom enjoyed having us there. She got me a beautiful necklace with a ring and a small heart inside that symbolizes the circle of her love. She got herself one to match and promised to wear it everyday until I get pregnant. Their faith and support means so much to me even though it breaks my heart to see them hurting for us.
We've also been very busy house hunting lately which has been a much welcomed distraction. D has accepted a new teaching/coaching job in a different school district. I think this change has been so good for him mentally as well. He's currently a principal at an elementary school. Considering our struggle I don't know how he handles the every day tasks of his job. It was obviously wearing on him. A job teaching Jr. High math and geography (his favorite subjects) paired with being able to go back to coaching (football and basketball) and being able to make the same money was a no brainer to me. He struggled some with the decision questioning if he was giving up or taking a step back. But ultimately accepted the job and seems at peace with it now. I know he's looking forward to having his summers off again (insert bitterness on my part here) which would come in super handy if we ever have a baby! (There's no escaping it- everything comes back to babies).
So..the house hunt. We've been in a rental since last fall as we sold our house to move into D's school district per the school board. However we hadn't found anything in that location and were really struggling with having to live in district. Now that he's got a new job we are free to live wherever we want (yeah!). So the hunt is on! We haven't found THE ONE yet, but the constant searching and dreaming has been a great distraction. I'm hoping the right house is right around the corner. I just keep thinking that, one way or another, this is going to be the house we bring our baby home to. And I want to be able to feel that when I walk in. Which I know sounds silly but that's how I feel. So the hunt continues.
In the meantime I'm reading and following. I'm celebrating our successes and praying for all of us still struggling. And hoping that, like the perfect house, the next step could happen any day.
Friday, May 8, 2015
Cycle Day.....I lost count.
Today is cycle day.....38?! WTF? I have no idea what is going on. I waited until I was four days late and then took a test thinking that as soon as I did that I would start. The test was negative and I didn't start. I took a second one when I was 7 days late. Could not have been more negative. Finally on Tuesday I called my CCRM nurse. She sent me orders for bloodwork to test my estrogen, progesterone, and of course HCG levels to try and figure out what's going on in my cycle. I guess I could have a cyst but since I haven't been on any drugs since March that seems weird. I'm still waiting to hear back on those results.
So I'm still here. Just waiting. As usual.
Tuesday, April 21, 2015
Long Over "Due"......
I just couldn't resist using the quotes in the title since I'm obviously not "due" with anything. Just trying to keep the humor in this situation because obviously what else can you do?
So I'm sorry I've been MIA. Life has been CRAZY and not exactly great lately. The last month or so has been pretty rough as D (my husband) is really struggling. He's been so awesome throughout this entire process. So supportive and positive and definitely the rock in our relationship. However after this last failure (3 fresh cycles, and 5 transfers) it seems it's just all really hit him hard. When we started our 3rd fresh cycle coming off an early miscarriage and a failed FET we knew that if it didn't work CCRM was our backup plan. I think it helped both of us knowing what our next step would be. However it's clear now that he never believed it would come to that. And now that it has he's really struggling with a lot of the feelings and emotions that I had much earlier on. I know he's depressed and pretty bitter and angry about the situation. All of which is perfectly normal. But it's been SO difficult to watch him struggle. It's truly one of the hardest parts of this whole mess - is seeing him hurting. But after all he's done for me and gotten me through I know it's my turn to do the same for him. It's my turn to be the positive person and carry us through this.
All that being said we are making progress with CCRM. We went out for our One Day Work Up and survived. It was INTENSE - just like everyone warned me it would be. And sadly Dr. Schoolcraft was out of the office that day so we didn't get to meet him in person. We did have a brief one-on-one with Dr. Surrey who I LOVED. It was obvious that he took the time to read our file and he answered the few questions we did have and was very optimistic about our case. He performed my hysteroscopy and while I technically won't get any of the results from all of our tests that day until my phone follow up with Dr. Schoolcraft, he did tell me that everything looked "normal". So that was reassuring. I also passed my Doppler ultrasound with flying colors and my AFC (antral follicle count) was 16! Guys that's almost normal (WTH???). So that was all pretty promising. The one issue we did discover was during my HSG. I've never had that test done before and turns out one of my tubes is "partially" blocked. The dye didn't flow through during the procedure but once I stood up and moved around and they did the final x-ray we could see that it did flow through. I'm not really sure what that means for us moving forward. The nurse was able to tell me that the one thing they are looking for in the HSG (related to IVF) is when the fluid flows BACK into the uterus. This did not happen so I'm not sure if they will even want to do anything about that tube or just leave it be. That's information we'll get at the follow up call. D also gave a sperm sample that day and we got tons of blood work drawn. And attended CCRM orientation and signed a billion forms. That was pretty much the day! So all in all not terrible and one more thing off our list.
I had some to-do's to take home with me and get done. I needed an updated pap, a full physical, lab work to test for immunizations, my TSH, and some other levels (Vitamin D??). In addition Dr. Schoolcraft also wanted me to do the beta 3 integrity test. I had to test with ovulation sticks for my LH surge (which surprisingly hit right on schedule on Day 14 of my cycle). Then the test needs to be done 9-11 days later. Today was day 10 and I had the biopsy this morning. It was NOT pleasant but it's done and I took my piece of tissue and shipped it off via second day Fed Ex. (I text my best friend and told her I was just cruising to Fed Ex with tissue from my uterus riding shotgun.....this is my life). So that's one more big to-do crossed off the list. The last thing remaining is my Day 3 blood draw. So once I start my period I'll get that drawn and they will spin it and I have a special kit to ship it to CCRM who will run the tests in their lab. We've tentatively scheduled our phone follow up with Dr. Schoolcraft for May 6th since I should start my period this weekend and that would allow me to get the blood drawn and shipped out there. I'm super nervous/anxious for that meeting. If they don't want to do any further tests I should get my protocol recommendation from him that day and potentially my calendar! If he decides he wants to do surgery on that tube or anything else there will obviously be more delays. I am just really hoping we can do at least the retrieval this summer as D is off (he's a teacher) so would be free to come to Colorado with me for the entire 7-10 days.
So.....that's where we are! Overall I've been impressed with CCRM and I'm feeling hopeful. Obviously I'm scared that we won't get a lot of eggs and none of the embryos will make it day 5, which they need to in order to do the CCS testing. Then if we do have some that make it we won't have any that are normal. But I remind myself that CCRM has the best lab in the country which gives our embryos the best chance. And I *think* we are capable of producing genetically normal embryos since the crappy Day 3 testing we did proved that (even through it probably fatally damaged the embryos in the process). I guess the hardest part is knowing this is the end of the road for us. Before when we were cycling locally we always had CCRM in our back pocket. Now that we are here where does that leave us if this doesn't work?? Those are the fears that keep me up at night.
And while this past month or so has been rough we've also had some good times. We attended Opening Day for the Cubs at Wrigley Field with FREE tickets from my work and had a great time. We also celebrated another anniversary and felt much love and support from family and friends on that milestone. And while it's been really tough to watch D struggle I know when this is all over we'll be stronger because of it. We've already gotten through so much and while it hasn't been easy we are still fighting this battle together and on the same page. In the anniversary card that he got me he wrote "All I need to know is that we'll be together forever". And that, my friends, is what it's all about.
So I'm sorry I've been MIA. Life has been CRAZY and not exactly great lately. The last month or so has been pretty rough as D (my husband) is really struggling. He's been so awesome throughout this entire process. So supportive and positive and definitely the rock in our relationship. However after this last failure (3 fresh cycles, and 5 transfers) it seems it's just all really hit him hard. When we started our 3rd fresh cycle coming off an early miscarriage and a failed FET we knew that if it didn't work CCRM was our backup plan. I think it helped both of us knowing what our next step would be. However it's clear now that he never believed it would come to that. And now that it has he's really struggling with a lot of the feelings and emotions that I had much earlier on. I know he's depressed and pretty bitter and angry about the situation. All of which is perfectly normal. But it's been SO difficult to watch him struggle. It's truly one of the hardest parts of this whole mess - is seeing him hurting. But after all he's done for me and gotten me through I know it's my turn to do the same for him. It's my turn to be the positive person and carry us through this.
All that being said we are making progress with CCRM. We went out for our One Day Work Up and survived. It was INTENSE - just like everyone warned me it would be. And sadly Dr. Schoolcraft was out of the office that day so we didn't get to meet him in person. We did have a brief one-on-one with Dr. Surrey who I LOVED. It was obvious that he took the time to read our file and he answered the few questions we did have and was very optimistic about our case. He performed my hysteroscopy and while I technically won't get any of the results from all of our tests that day until my phone follow up with Dr. Schoolcraft, he did tell me that everything looked "normal". So that was reassuring. I also passed my Doppler ultrasound with flying colors and my AFC (antral follicle count) was 16! Guys that's almost normal (WTH???). So that was all pretty promising. The one issue we did discover was during my HSG. I've never had that test done before and turns out one of my tubes is "partially" blocked. The dye didn't flow through during the procedure but once I stood up and moved around and they did the final x-ray we could see that it did flow through. I'm not really sure what that means for us moving forward. The nurse was able to tell me that the one thing they are looking for in the HSG (related to IVF) is when the fluid flows BACK into the uterus. This did not happen so I'm not sure if they will even want to do anything about that tube or just leave it be. That's information we'll get at the follow up call. D also gave a sperm sample that day and we got tons of blood work drawn. And attended CCRM orientation and signed a billion forms. That was pretty much the day! So all in all not terrible and one more thing off our list.
I had some to-do's to take home with me and get done. I needed an updated pap, a full physical, lab work to test for immunizations, my TSH, and some other levels (Vitamin D??). In addition Dr. Schoolcraft also wanted me to do the beta 3 integrity test. I had to test with ovulation sticks for my LH surge (which surprisingly hit right on schedule on Day 14 of my cycle). Then the test needs to be done 9-11 days later. Today was day 10 and I had the biopsy this morning. It was NOT pleasant but it's done and I took my piece of tissue and shipped it off via second day Fed Ex. (I text my best friend and told her I was just cruising to Fed Ex with tissue from my uterus riding shotgun.....this is my life). So that's one more big to-do crossed off the list. The last thing remaining is my Day 3 blood draw. So once I start my period I'll get that drawn and they will spin it and I have a special kit to ship it to CCRM who will run the tests in their lab. We've tentatively scheduled our phone follow up with Dr. Schoolcraft for May 6th since I should start my period this weekend and that would allow me to get the blood drawn and shipped out there. I'm super nervous/anxious for that meeting. If they don't want to do any further tests I should get my protocol recommendation from him that day and potentially my calendar! If he decides he wants to do surgery on that tube or anything else there will obviously be more delays. I am just really hoping we can do at least the retrieval this summer as D is off (he's a teacher) so would be free to come to Colorado with me for the entire 7-10 days.
So.....that's where we are! Overall I've been impressed with CCRM and I'm feeling hopeful. Obviously I'm scared that we won't get a lot of eggs and none of the embryos will make it day 5, which they need to in order to do the CCS testing. Then if we do have some that make it we won't have any that are normal. But I remind myself that CCRM has the best lab in the country which gives our embryos the best chance. And I *think* we are capable of producing genetically normal embryos since the crappy Day 3 testing we did proved that (even through it probably fatally damaged the embryos in the process). I guess the hardest part is knowing this is the end of the road for us. Before when we were cycling locally we always had CCRM in our back pocket. Now that we are here where does that leave us if this doesn't work?? Those are the fears that keep me up at night.
And while this past month or so has been rough we've also had some good times. We attended Opening Day for the Cubs at Wrigley Field with FREE tickets from my work and had a great time. We also celebrated another anniversary and felt much love and support from family and friends on that milestone. And while it's been really tough to watch D struggle I know when this is all over we'll be stronger because of it. We've already gotten through so much and while it hasn't been easy we are still fighting this battle together and on the same page. In the anniversary card that he got me he wrote "All I need to know is that we'll be together forever". And that, my friends, is what it's all about.
Monday, March 23, 2015
The Reality
First off thanks to all of you who made the effort to find my new blog home. I've heard so many of you talk about friendships that you lost due to your infertility struggle and I'm experiencing that first hand. It's a different kind of hurt on top of our most recent disappointment. But such is life I guess.
So here we are at the point I prayed we would never get to. CCRM. It was a comfort to me knowing we had worked so hard and saved enough money to go to what is arguable the best fertility clinic in the country. And having a a backup plan always makes me feel better. But now that we are here and it's becoming real I feel paralyzed with fear. Obviously my thoughts jump to what happens if this doesn't work? What if CCRM discovers something majorly wrong with me? What if we can't get the number of eggs we did in the past? What if none of them are genetically normal? We saved enough money to cover potentially 2 fresh cycles there.....what if we do one and then for some reason we are encouraged to go with donor eggs or a surrogate. We definitely don't have enough money for that. I know I'll drive myself crazy thinking of all of the What If's. But it's hard to shut it off.
That being said I did find the courage to reach out to CCRM to schedule our ODW (one day workup). For those of you not familiar with their protocol this is a full day of appointments and testing that is the first major step when becoming a patient at CCRM. They will perform a hysteroscopy, communicable disease blood test for both of us, a semen analysis for D, the antisperm antibody screening, pelvic ultrasound and doppler study of blood flow through my uterus. Then we'll have a regroup with Dr. Schoolcraft to review the test results and he'll recommend a treatment plan. My issue is they want to do this appointment sometime between day 4 and 12 of my cycle. I'm currently waiting to start my period. I did my last PIO shot on Wed. I'm hoping to start my period this week but who knows. CCRM wants to schedule my ODW for Friday April 3rd which means I need to start by Sunday. Obviously it adds a whole layer of complexity when you are trying to book flights, hotels, time off work, etc. So right now we are waiting (boy does that feel familiar).
For those of you who have are/were CCRM patients I'd love to hear from you! Advice, thoughts, experiences - are all welcome!
So here we are at the point I prayed we would never get to. CCRM. It was a comfort to me knowing we had worked so hard and saved enough money to go to what is arguable the best fertility clinic in the country. And having a a backup plan always makes me feel better. But now that we are here and it's becoming real I feel paralyzed with fear. Obviously my thoughts jump to what happens if this doesn't work? What if CCRM discovers something majorly wrong with me? What if we can't get the number of eggs we did in the past? What if none of them are genetically normal? We saved enough money to cover potentially 2 fresh cycles there.....what if we do one and then for some reason we are encouraged to go with donor eggs or a surrogate. We definitely don't have enough money for that. I know I'll drive myself crazy thinking of all of the What If's. But it's hard to shut it off.
That being said I did find the courage to reach out to CCRM to schedule our ODW (one day workup). For those of you not familiar with their protocol this is a full day of appointments and testing that is the first major step when becoming a patient at CCRM. They will perform a hysteroscopy, communicable disease blood test for both of us, a semen analysis for D, the antisperm antibody screening, pelvic ultrasound and doppler study of blood flow through my uterus. Then we'll have a regroup with Dr. Schoolcraft to review the test results and he'll recommend a treatment plan. My issue is they want to do this appointment sometime between day 4 and 12 of my cycle. I'm currently waiting to start my period. I did my last PIO shot on Wed. I'm hoping to start my period this week but who knows. CCRM wants to schedule my ODW for Friday April 3rd which means I need to start by Sunday. Obviously it adds a whole layer of complexity when you are trying to book flights, hotels, time off work, etc. So right now we are waiting (boy does that feel familiar).
For those of you who have are/were CCRM patients I'd love to hear from you! Advice, thoughts, experiences - are all welcome!
Sunday, March 15, 2015
Torture
This is my fifth embryo transfer. I'm not exactly what you would call a newbie. Having been through it 4 other times I was fully aware how awful the wait until beta would be. You'd think it would get easier or I'd be more prepared. But that's not the case. It seems this has been the hardest of the 2ww's for me.
I'll back up to transfer since I never posted about that. It went as well as we could have hoped for. My lining looked great and my bladder was perfectly full. My clinic is using some new catheters for transfers and it was a straight shot that resulted in perfect placement according to my RE. I laid flat for 20 min afterwards and then D and I headed home. Our transfer wasn't until almost 3pm in the afternoon. Once we finally got home I was feeling pretty sleepy from the Valium and slept for basically the rest of the day and night.
I stayed home from work the next day and spent it in bed just watching movies and relaxing. I got up to make my meals and go to the bathroom but that was it. I finally showered around dinner time after it had been 24 hours since transfer. The next day I worked from home relaxing on the couch. I did have an acupuncture appointment as well and then ran a few errands before coming home and spending the night watching movies with D. The rest of the weekend I resumed normal activities except for working out. I did go on a couple short walks.
That being said mentally I'm suffering. I've been trying so hard to stay positive but it is just so hard. I've had cramping basically every day after transfer day. I'm currently 4dp5dt so the embryo(s) should have implanted by now if they were going to. I've had no sign of implantation bleeding (I did have this with my early miscarriage pregnancy). I've felt a little nauseous but with it being so early I think it's safe to say that's nerves. My boobs are bigger and I've been having a tingly feeling but they aren't painful and with the amount of progesterone I'm pumping in me that can be accounted for.
I had a mini breakdown today to D where I just couldn't stop crying. I broke down and consulted Dr Google and was actually comforted by reading other girls who had lots of cramping and got BFP. I've also been bloated and gassy but I know that's a side effect of the progesterone too.
So that's where I am. I'm driving myself crazy, and filled with worry but trying really hard to stay positive. My bets is 8 days after 5 day transfer which seems REALLY soon. Especially since our transfer was late afternoon and my beta will be first thing that morning. I'm not going to test at home obviously since the beta is so early. If by some miracle I get a positive I thought I might test over the weekend as I wait for beta 2 just to hopefully ease my worries of it increasing.
Here's the thoughts I keep repeating to myself when I'm overwhelmed with doubt.
1. We transferred 2 day 5 blasts that were genetically normal on day 3 and continued to grow. Although after talking to CCRM about the day 3 testing I know it can damage the embryos. The fact that these two made it to blast is a good sign they weren't damaged.
2. We completed the 2 months of Lupron depot and I had 2 fibroids removed via my hysteroscopy. Technically my uterus *should* be in the best condition that it's ever been.
3. I added acupuncture, supplements, and tried to eat as clean as possible. I cut alcohol and caffeine over a month prior to transfer. I've taken my meds religiously and haven't messed up adose or forgotten anything. I feel like I did everything I could to ensure success.
Now all there is left to do is wait and pray.
Wednesday, March 11, 2015
The Day.
Well it's here. Transfer day. Lucky number 5. It's a gorgeous spring day here in the MidWest. You can see small signs of life creeping up everywhere. I'm hopeful that's a good omen.
I'm pretty sure I didn't sleep a wink last night so I've had a lot of time to analyze my feelings. I think it's safe to say I'm equal parts excited and terrified. But there's also a good chunk of gratitude mixed in as well. This week I've been showered with love, prayers, and tokens from family and friends showing me how much we are loved and cared for. I'll walk into transfer today with reminders of all of the wonderful people who are rooting for us and our two little babies. I'll carry with me symbols of that love and support and will find comfort and hope.
This morning I received a special last minute gift from a cherished friend. As I mentioned I didn't sleep at all last night so when D finally got up for work I was scrolling through blogs reading posts from your transfer days. As always I found comfort in your words and knowing I am not alone. But something still felt "off". My friend arrived at my doorstep this morning before her work day to drop off a gift.
I've been looking for a daily devotional and just haven't found one that's the right fit. Everyone's faith is so personal and unique. For me I struggle to feel a connection with "bible speak". While there is absolutely passages that speak to my heart I sometimes struggle with finding the true meaning of verses or feeling a connection. I get the most out of a service if the speaker is in front of me, and relatable. Someone who I would enjoy having a non religious conversation with. Someone who can take the stories of the bible and place them in my life. I'm not sure I've ever expressed those thoughts to my friend but maybe she just knows me well enough to understand.
As I was flipping through the devotional I came to a section entitled "When I'm feeling Overwhelmed". Since that seemed fitting I began flipping through the devotionals and came upon this
This sums up exactly how I'm feeling in this moment. And I feel so much comfort and peace having this prayer. Regardless of what happens with this cycle I know that He won't leave me alone. And that even when I don't have the words He hears my prayers. He knows my heart. And He will help me face whatever comes next.
So Transfer Day. Lucky number 5. Our last two frozen embryos. Our Hail Mary, kitchen sink cycle. Could this be it? Could those imperfectly perfect day 5 blasts turn into the child(ren) we've been praying for. I really think it could.
Friday, March 6, 2015
Only one way to know
I had my cycle day 9 blood work and ultrasound this morning. I woke up feeling pretty good but the closer I got to the clinic the more nervous I got. They must have a big cycle this month because it was busy even right at 8am this morning and I waited a LONG time for my ultrasound. So long in fact that when the doctor finally got into my exam room my bladder had filled up and she made me go and empty it so she could get a better image. Envision me darting to the bathroom with the paper cover wrapped around me like a toga. Seriously I've lost any sense of modesty I had a long time ago, so whatever. Take 2 for the ultrasound and everything looked "perfect" My endometrium looked "beautiful" and my lining was measuring at 8mm. While this is obviously great news it makes me.....uncomfortable when they use words like perfect and beautiful. Mostly I think because it raises your expectations of the chances of success. They've used these words before and here I am on transfer #5 so obviously it's no guarantee. But definitely better than the alternative so we'll go with it.
Tonight we start the PIO injections in addition to the estrogen I'll do tonight and Tuesday night. Transfer is set for Wednesday and they scheduled me in the afternoon. I have the whole day off from work so I'm looking forward to sleeping in and relaxing before we head in. I have an acupuncture appointment set up for Tues. evening and then Friday morning. I'll be on bed rest the day after transfer. And that, my friends, is the plan.
My feelings are pretty much all over the board. I'm definitely excited and hopeful about the transfer. But I'm also terrified. I mentioned before that I'm having a hard time trying to figure out how on earth I'm going to survive this 2ww. It just seems unimaginable. And of course then my head goes to how I'm going to cope if we aren't successful. It's sounds so terrifying to me it almost makes me not want to go through with it. But I know that I'm stronger than I think I am. I've proved that to myself over and over again. I know the world will not end if this transfer doesn't work. Our journey of trying to have a baby won't even end. It will just be extended. Sigh. While I'm so ready for it to be over and hopeful that this is IT, there's only one way to know. So...Wednesday. Let's do this.
Tonight we start the PIO injections in addition to the estrogen I'll do tonight and Tuesday night. Transfer is set for Wednesday and they scheduled me in the afternoon. I have the whole day off from work so I'm looking forward to sleeping in and relaxing before we head in. I have an acupuncture appointment set up for Tues. evening and then Friday morning. I'll be on bed rest the day after transfer. And that, my friends, is the plan.
My feelings are pretty much all over the board. I'm definitely excited and hopeful about the transfer. But I'm also terrified. I mentioned before that I'm having a hard time trying to figure out how on earth I'm going to survive this 2ww. It just seems unimaginable. And of course then my head goes to how I'm going to cope if we aren't successful. It's sounds so terrifying to me it almost makes me not want to go through with it. But I know that I'm stronger than I think I am. I've proved that to myself over and over again. I know the world will not end if this transfer doesn't work. Our journey of trying to have a baby won't even end. It will just be extended. Sigh. While I'm so ready for it to be over and hopeful that this is IT, there's only one way to know. So...Wednesday. Let's do this.
Monday, March 2, 2015
Giving Thanks
Wow what a week. Some are just harder than others and last week was definitely one of those for me for several reason. First off you all know my amazing friend Amanda. Stop over and send her some love or say a quick prayer for her and Sam. It breaks me that her beautiful, amazing heart is broken right now. I wish there was a way for me to shoulder some of her pain. But since there's not I ask you to keep them in your prayers and I'll be praying she feels comforted with all of the love we are sending her way. She is at the top of my list of things I'm thankful for as I'm not sure I could make it down this rocky road without her.
Next on my list is the rest of you beautiful women. Thanks to everyone who shot me an email, message, or comment to let me know that I'm not the only one who struggles with these fears. It helps so much to know that I'm not alone. And it's easy to get overwhelmed in the middle of the night when everything seems so.....well, overwhelming. D doesn't follow my blog. He feels like this is my place to air my feelings, vent and basically release. I often read him your posts and some of mine if I think he'd enjoy it or if it helps to communicate something specific that I'm struggling with. We talked about my post and of course he said exactly what I needed to hear. He told me that he loves me for the person that I am and that nothing will change that. He told me he'd pick me again, every time, even knowing that we'd have to fight this battle. Most importantly he said that no matter what lengths we have to go to, or the cost, we WILL be parents someday. God, I love this man 1000 times over. Thank you Lord for bringing him to me.
Lastly I'm thankful for some good news on this Monday morning. I had blood work this morning to see how my estrogen level was doing and to re-check my thyroid since I started on the medicine. My TSH came in at 1.62 today! (Remember my research showed between 1-2 is the ideal level). So that is really great news. They bumped my E2V dosage just a tiny bit and I'll do another injection of that tomorrow. Then we'll re-check everything again on Friday and make adjustments for that evening injection. We are on track for transfer next week. Next week people!! EEKKK!
Also based on all of your feedback and suggestions from this post I've added L-Arginine, Zinc, and the Omega 3 Fish Oil pills to my daily list. The clinic has me on a baby aspirin, dexamethasone, the thyroid med, and my prescription prenatal. I'm still doing the Lupron injections in the morning as well to keep me suppressed. I've been doing pretty well with the clean eating (okay I had Coldstone Creamery on Sunday....it was a weak moment), and of course no alcohol or caffeine (decaf coffee is for the birds!) and I've been working out 5-6 days a week.
Overall I'm feeling pretty good! While on one hand I am SO ready for this transfer, on the other I'm really struggling with the concept of surviving the 2ww. We all know how terrible it is and this just feels.....bigger for some reason. I guess just because there's so much on the line. If this doesn't work yes we are heading to CCRM but starting from scratch there it will be a long time before we are in a position to cycle again. I'm so blessed that thanks to us saving our butts off and an amazing bonus check from my work we are in a position financially to move forward right away. Add that onto my list of things I'm thankful for as well! So, for now, I'm going to NOT think about CCRM. I'm going to focus on this transfer in front of us, our two beautiful frozen embryos, and the fact that we know we've done everything in our power to make this a success.
Next on my list is the rest of you beautiful women. Thanks to everyone who shot me an email, message, or comment to let me know that I'm not the only one who struggles with these fears. It helps so much to know that I'm not alone. And it's easy to get overwhelmed in the middle of the night when everything seems so.....well, overwhelming. D doesn't follow my blog. He feels like this is my place to air my feelings, vent and basically release. I often read him your posts and some of mine if I think he'd enjoy it or if it helps to communicate something specific that I'm struggling with. We talked about my post and of course he said exactly what I needed to hear. He told me that he loves me for the person that I am and that nothing will change that. He told me he'd pick me again, every time, even knowing that we'd have to fight this battle. Most importantly he said that no matter what lengths we have to go to, or the cost, we WILL be parents someday. God, I love this man 1000 times over. Thank you Lord for bringing him to me.
Lastly I'm thankful for some good news on this Monday morning. I had blood work this morning to see how my estrogen level was doing and to re-check my thyroid since I started on the medicine. My TSH came in at 1.62 today! (Remember my research showed between 1-2 is the ideal level). So that is really great news. They bumped my E2V dosage just a tiny bit and I'll do another injection of that tomorrow. Then we'll re-check everything again on Friday and make adjustments for that evening injection. We are on track for transfer next week. Next week people!! EEKKK!
Also based on all of your feedback and suggestions from this post I've added L-Arginine, Zinc, and the Omega 3 Fish Oil pills to my daily list. The clinic has me on a baby aspirin, dexamethasone, the thyroid med, and my prescription prenatal. I'm still doing the Lupron injections in the morning as well to keep me suppressed. I've been doing pretty well with the clean eating (okay I had Coldstone Creamery on Sunday....it was a weak moment), and of course no alcohol or caffeine (decaf coffee is for the birds!) and I've been working out 5-6 days a week.
Overall I'm feeling pretty good! While on one hand I am SO ready for this transfer, on the other I'm really struggling with the concept of surviving the 2ww. We all know how terrible it is and this just feels.....bigger for some reason. I guess just because there's so much on the line. If this doesn't work yes we are heading to CCRM but starting from scratch there it will be a long time before we are in a position to cycle again. I'm so blessed that thanks to us saving our butts off and an amazing bonus check from my work we are in a position financially to move forward right away. Add that onto my list of things I'm thankful for as well! So, for now, I'm going to NOT think about CCRM. I'm going to focus on this transfer in front of us, our two beautiful frozen embryos, and the fact that we know we've done everything in our power to make this a success.
Wednesday, February 11, 2015
Monday, February 2, 2015
The Shades of Gray
Okay get your mind out of the gutter. This is NOT a post about 50 Shades of Gray. (although I'll admit to reading the books and could probably write a pretty entertaining post about them!) It's about the shades of gray that lie between black and white. And opinions that vary between experts.
I think I mentioned to all of you that my clinic has a new doctor. I'm excited about this for a couple reasons. #1 - she's a woman. I like this. #2 - she provides a fresh perspective to my case. As most of you know we had a phone consult with CCRM and if the outcome of this next FET (with our last 2 frozen embryos) is not successful we will be packing our bags for Colorado. However, since we still have the 2 embryos we opted to see them through first, before moving on to a new clinic.
That being said, it was great timing when Dr. Emmi joined our clinic. I had a bad moment when Nurse Jenny informed me that I needed to re-do ALL of my initial testing since it has been 18 months since I started at the clinic. That was hard to hear. Obviously I fully envisioned at least graduating from the clinic by this point, if not holding our baby in my arms. (oh how naive I was!). But since that's obviously not the case we went ahead and took the 8 tubes of blood for all of the consultation tests. When we did this the first time the only number I was informed of was my FSH since it was elevated. They told me that the rest of my levels came back within the normal range and I never pressed for the exact numbers. This time I got the call that my thyroid level was a little high and they wanted to re-test it to determine if Dr. Emmi would treat me for that during cycle. I did some research and came up with mixed results (shocking I know). Basically you aren't considered to have hypothyroidism (under active) unless your TSH levels are over 5.5. However there is an ongoing controversy among RE's and more and more of the experts are proclaiming that the normal range needs to be revised to .3 to 3.0. After reading all of this information I was anxious to get retested if only so I could find out how "high" my level was. I went in this morning for the blood draw and Nurse Jenny told me that my TSH from last week came back at 3.2. She confirmed that Dr. H just wanted to see levels under 4, but Dr. Emmi wanted to see them under 3. Interesting.
Now we wait to see what the re-test comes back as. Jenny seemed to think if it was under 3.0 she won't treat me but if it's over that, even in slightest, she will most likely put me on meds. Either way it's refreshing to have that new perspective and feel as if someone is really examining my case.
I start suppression meds next week and then we'll really get this party started. I'm so looking forward to crossing off the days until transfer. No I don't ENJOY giving myself shots but at least it feels like we are doing something more than waiting. Our last transfer (which resulted in a chemical) was in Aug. In some ways that feels SO long ago and in others I'm shocked that it's been 5 months. Now that the wait is almost over I'm glad that we did the procedures and the Lupron Depot. I'm hopeful that my body will be in the best condition for this transfer. And I'm praying that 9 months from now I'll be holding one (or both!) of those little embryos in my arms.
I think I mentioned to all of you that my clinic has a new doctor. I'm excited about this for a couple reasons. #1 - she's a woman. I like this. #2 - she provides a fresh perspective to my case. As most of you know we had a phone consult with CCRM and if the outcome of this next FET (with our last 2 frozen embryos) is not successful we will be packing our bags for Colorado. However, since we still have the 2 embryos we opted to see them through first, before moving on to a new clinic.
That being said, it was great timing when Dr. Emmi joined our clinic. I had a bad moment when Nurse Jenny informed me that I needed to re-do ALL of my initial testing since it has been 18 months since I started at the clinic. That was hard to hear. Obviously I fully envisioned at least graduating from the clinic by this point, if not holding our baby in my arms. (oh how naive I was!). But since that's obviously not the case we went ahead and took the 8 tubes of blood for all of the consultation tests. When we did this the first time the only number I was informed of was my FSH since it was elevated. They told me that the rest of my levels came back within the normal range and I never pressed for the exact numbers. This time I got the call that my thyroid level was a little high and they wanted to re-test it to determine if Dr. Emmi would treat me for that during cycle. I did some research and came up with mixed results (shocking I know). Basically you aren't considered to have hypothyroidism (under active) unless your TSH levels are over 5.5. However there is an ongoing controversy among RE's and more and more of the experts are proclaiming that the normal range needs to be revised to .3 to 3.0. After reading all of this information I was anxious to get retested if only so I could find out how "high" my level was. I went in this morning for the blood draw and Nurse Jenny told me that my TSH from last week came back at 3.2. She confirmed that Dr. H just wanted to see levels under 4, but Dr. Emmi wanted to see them under 3. Interesting.
Now we wait to see what the re-test comes back as. Jenny seemed to think if it was under 3.0 she won't treat me but if it's over that, even in slightest, she will most likely put me on meds. Either way it's refreshing to have that new perspective and feel as if someone is really examining my case.
I start suppression meds next week and then we'll really get this party started. I'm so looking forward to crossing off the days until transfer. No I don't ENJOY giving myself shots but at least it feels like we are doing something more than waiting. Our last transfer (which resulted in a chemical) was in Aug. In some ways that feels SO long ago and in others I'm shocked that it's been 5 months. Now that the wait is almost over I'm glad that we did the procedures and the Lupron Depot. I'm hopeful that my body will be in the best condition for this transfer. And I'm praying that 9 months from now I'll be holding one (or both!) of those little embryos in my arms.
Tuesday, January 20, 2015
Protecting my Heart
As we inch closer and closer to March I'm slowly allowing myself to start focusing on TTC again. For the last few months I've done a decent job of avoiding it. I'm sure you all know that the thoughts/fear/worries/sadness is always there, in the back of your mind. But since we've been on a holding pattern as we waited to see if the Lupron Depot would do it's job I've been trying semi-successfully to put it on the back burner. I've been focusing on work, the holidays, our mini-vacation, family and friends. Anything so I didn't have to think about the fact that another year of trying was passing. That March is my last chance to get pregnant and have a baby in this brand new year. That every day it seems like someone else I know is announcing they are expecting. That people who started trying more than a year AFTER us are holding their babies today.
But lately I've started to open up just a little bit more. It's small things - like talking to D about a new potential baby name that I heard and liked. Or a conversation about how I hope our child will have his eyes. It's not that we don't talk about our struggle. But over the past few months we've made a conscious effort not to focus on what we don't have. And to try and not let the sadness consume us. Which means we've tried to talk about other things than babies.
As we've had several baby conversations over the last week or so the inner struggle begins. While I want to be positive and hopeful, I also feel a need to protect my heart. I don't think it's being negative to think about the fact that this upcoming transfer might not work. I think after all we've been through and learned it's realistic. And while I'm comforted with having a back up plan (CCRM) it still won't take away the pain from another failed cycle. Another set of our babies gone before they even had a chance. So as fun and exciting as it is to talk about baby names, nursery ideas, and what it will be like/feel like to finally be parents, there's still a wariness that I can't shake. I know it's fear of my heart being broken again. But I also know that having a positive mindset going into this transfer will only help our chances of success. So I guess the question I have for my veteran girls today is....
Where is the line between positivity and realism? How did you or do you protect your heart when the outcome is unknown?
But lately I've started to open up just a little bit more. It's small things - like talking to D about a new potential baby name that I heard and liked. Or a conversation about how I hope our child will have his eyes. It's not that we don't talk about our struggle. But over the past few months we've made a conscious effort not to focus on what we don't have. And to try and not let the sadness consume us. Which means we've tried to talk about other things than babies.
As we've had several baby conversations over the last week or so the inner struggle begins. While I want to be positive and hopeful, I also feel a need to protect my heart. I don't think it's being negative to think about the fact that this upcoming transfer might not work. I think after all we've been through and learned it's realistic. And while I'm comforted with having a back up plan (CCRM) it still won't take away the pain from another failed cycle. Another set of our babies gone before they even had a chance. So as fun and exciting as it is to talk about baby names, nursery ideas, and what it will be like/feel like to finally be parents, there's still a wariness that I can't shake. I know it's fear of my heart being broken again. But I also know that having a positive mindset going into this transfer will only help our chances of success. So I guess the question I have for my veteran girls today is....
Where is the line between positivity and realism? How did you or do you protect your heart when the outcome is unknown?
Tuesday, January 13, 2015
Baby Mama
Last night as I was flipping through the channels (and avoiding The Bachelor because D and I watch it together and he had a school board meeting) I stumbled upon the movie Baby Mama. You know this one - Tiny Fey tries to have a baby on her own only to find out she has a T shaped uterus so she opts to go the surrogacy route. Amy Poehler becomes her surrogate which leads into a funny story line about a not so bright woman who is in it for the money and doesn't understand that you have to wait 2 weeks to test. She tests immediately and it's negative. She then sets out to pull a fast one on Tina Fey pretending she's pregnant so she can get the cash. But then halfway through she finds out she really is pregnant and it might be Tina's or it may be her common law husband's. Long story short the baby ends up NOT being Tina Fey's but she miraculous becomes pregnant on her own even though her RE gave her a 1 in a million odds.
This is a movie I would have found hilarious 2 years ago. Honestly even after all I've been through the past year and a half I still found it funny. Which I guess is a tribute to how far I've come. I think 6-9 months ago I would have burst into tears and completely lost my shit over this. Today though I could appreciate the fact that the movie IS generating awareness of infertility and some of the struggles Tina was going through in the beginning of the movie before the surrogate entered the picture were pretty accurate. However the one part that did bother me was her miraculous pregnancy. This is only fueling the fire for those (uneducated) people out there who say all of those terrible things that make us want to poke our eyes out (just relax, take a vacation, maybe you should adopt then you'll get pregnant!). Because in real life it just doesn't work that way. Okay, once in a great while maybe. And I'm all about the power of prayer and I do believe that God works miracles. I know He does. But with so many of us struggling to conceive we can't ALL be the one who miraculously gets pregnant. Our miracles come in the forms of IUI, IVF, donor eggs and embryos, surrogates, and adoption matches. There is no cure to infertility. Nothing we can do that immediately equals our bodies healing themselves and poof - baby on board. I know that some of us have been fighting this battle for YEARS. And it's through blood, sweat, tears, pain, and heartache that we build our families. And in a funny way even though I couldn't be closer to having a baby of my own I'm proud of the battles scars. One day (I have to believe there WILL be a one day) I'll be a better parent. One day I will teach my child about the extremes we went through to get him or her. One day I will raise a person who won't be the one to ever make those comments that make us want to claw our eyes out. I can't wait until that day.
Thursday, January 8, 2015
A positive sign
No, not THE positive sign (as in a positive pregnancy test) but a step in right direction. I had my follow up appointment today from my second month of the Lupron Depo shot. I think I mentioned that we recently got a new RE at my clinic. I met her just briefly during my followup hysteroscopy after the 1 month of Lupron Depo and it was her call to have me go another month. So it wasn't exactly a great first impression. However this time it went much better. We only did an ultrasound but she explained to me on the screen what they were looking for. She said the inflammation would cause shading or darkening which she wasn't seeing any. My lining was at a 6 which she said was good for being suppressed (I believe it was at a 9 last time). There were some other things she pointed out that kind of went over my head but her exact words were "You uterus actually looks really good!". I will take that. She put me right back on birth control pills to keep me suppressed until I start my FET protocol which will be in Feb. We are looking at a transfer the second week in March.
I feel so relieved that the injections did their job and we can move forward. My friend told me the other day that from our conversations she felt like I'd already written off the March transfer. After some reflection she may have been right. I think I was just trying to prepare myself for another delay or even worse news. And while I do have CCRM all squared away and we are ready to move forward with them if this transfer doesn't work, I am beginning to have some hope for this last shot. I have two pretty highly graded day 5 embryos left. I also got the okay to transfer both. My former RE was not on board with transferring more than one since we did have genetic testing done and that supposedly increased our chance of success significantly. Well, after talking with Dr. Schoolcraft at CCRM and learning that the genetic testing we did has the potential to damage the embryos I feel strongly about transferring both. Even if by some miracle both implant D and I feel fully ready to happily take on a twin pregnancy. I've talked to several of you who have experienced them and feel prepared. It just feels like the right decision. If this transfer doesn't work out then I am emotionally, financially, and physically ready to move on to CCRM. (Please God let that not be necessary).
So that's a quick update. On a random side note I'm not sure I've shared here that my nurse at the clinic completed her first cycle of IVF in Oct. She's currently 14 weeks pregnant. Her husband actually had a blockage so their issue was with him. They were able to go in and extract the sperm for the embryos and she got pregnant on the first cycle. I'll be honest when I found out I was a little bitter. One and done - can you imagine? But once I had a few minutes to think about it my bitterness went away. I was still sad for US but happy for her. No matter what your fertility treatment or how quickly you find success this is a hardship I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I asked her how it was going breaking the news to her other patients and she said not well at all. I would imagine it to be a very difficult conversation to have but considering she's already started showing (she was very thin before) not really something she can ignore.
Anyway just wanted to send out a happy update! It feels like a long time since I've had any personal good news to share.
I feel so relieved that the injections did their job and we can move forward. My friend told me the other day that from our conversations she felt like I'd already written off the March transfer. After some reflection she may have been right. I think I was just trying to prepare myself for another delay or even worse news. And while I do have CCRM all squared away and we are ready to move forward with them if this transfer doesn't work, I am beginning to have some hope for this last shot. I have two pretty highly graded day 5 embryos left. I also got the okay to transfer both. My former RE was not on board with transferring more than one since we did have genetic testing done and that supposedly increased our chance of success significantly. Well, after talking with Dr. Schoolcraft at CCRM and learning that the genetic testing we did has the potential to damage the embryos I feel strongly about transferring both. Even if by some miracle both implant D and I feel fully ready to happily take on a twin pregnancy. I've talked to several of you who have experienced them and feel prepared. It just feels like the right decision. If this transfer doesn't work out then I am emotionally, financially, and physically ready to move on to CCRM. (Please God let that not be necessary).
So that's a quick update. On a random side note I'm not sure I've shared here that my nurse at the clinic completed her first cycle of IVF in Oct. She's currently 14 weeks pregnant. Her husband actually had a blockage so their issue was with him. They were able to go in and extract the sperm for the embryos and she got pregnant on the first cycle. I'll be honest when I found out I was a little bitter. One and done - can you imagine? But once I had a few minutes to think about it my bitterness went away. I was still sad for US but happy for her. No matter what your fertility treatment or how quickly you find success this is a hardship I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I asked her how it was going breaking the news to her other patients and she said not well at all. I would imagine it to be a very difficult conversation to have but considering she's already started showing (she was very thin before) not really something she can ignore.
Anyway just wanted to send out a happy update! It feels like a long time since I've had any personal good news to share.
Wednesday, December 3, 2014
Will the Waiting Ever End
Hello blog world. I am still here. I am still reading and following and cheering and praying for all of you. But my story seems to be on pause. I had my 1 month follow up from the Lupron Depo shot. I did not get the news I wanted to hear. While the inflammation has improved the doctor decided to do another month just to be safe. Now logically I realize that it's ALWAYS better safe than sorry. And I most definitely want my body to be in the best possible condition for transfer. So, while my mind knows this is the right thing to do I can't help but feeling so......lost. You see my clinic is cycling at the end of Jan. due to the holidays. And since Feb. is a short month they aren't having a cycle in Feb. just early March. Which means we'll have to wait until March for our FET. March.
That. Feels. Like. Forever.
Once again, logically I know the time will go quickly. But emotionally I feel like I can not take one more second of waiting. This month marks a year since our first IVF cycle and a year and a half since our diagnosis. I know there's so many of you who struggled for much longer. But my heart is so ready for this to be over. I'm tired of waiting. Tired of watching everyone else get pregnant and have babies while I sit on the sidelines. Tired of seeing the hurt and want in my husband's eyes. Tired of feeling broken.
I know I just have to continue to push forward. To take each day as it comes and get through it. I'm trying to convince myself that this IS going to work in March. So I can hold out until then because it will finally be our time. But that's so hard to believe after everything we've been through.
And what a depressing post this has become. So let's think about some positives. I have exactly 10 days of work left for the YEAR! So I know that the month of December will fly by. We are heading to Nashville with two other couples at the end of December so that's a nice get away to look forward to. (PS - I <3 NASHVILLE!). I survived Thanksgiving without any major meltdowns (yeah me!). And the freezing cold Midwest weather means lots of snuggle time in front of the fire with D and the sweet baby girl Chloe. For now, that will be enough.
That. Feels. Like. Forever.
Once again, logically I know the time will go quickly. But emotionally I feel like I can not take one more second of waiting. This month marks a year since our first IVF cycle and a year and a half since our diagnosis. I know there's so many of you who struggled for much longer. But my heart is so ready for this to be over. I'm tired of waiting. Tired of watching everyone else get pregnant and have babies while I sit on the sidelines. Tired of seeing the hurt and want in my husband's eyes. Tired of feeling broken.
I know I just have to continue to push forward. To take each day as it comes and get through it. I'm trying to convince myself that this IS going to work in March. So I can hold out until then because it will finally be our time. But that's so hard to believe after everything we've been through.
And what a depressing post this has become. So let's think about some positives. I have exactly 10 days of work left for the YEAR! So I know that the month of December will fly by. We are heading to Nashville with two other couples at the end of December so that's a nice get away to look forward to. (PS - I <3 NASHVILLE!). I survived Thanksgiving without any major meltdowns (yeah me!). And the freezing cold Midwest weather means lots of snuggle time in front of the fire with D and the sweet baby girl Chloe. For now, that will be enough.
Thursday, November 6, 2014
The Journey
This past month I have been contacted by a couple people that are new to this world of infertility. And upon their requests I've tried to help them start to navigate their own personal journeys. This has proved to be a very difficult job for me. What do you tell someone that is just starting out? I know there's a lot of people who have been on this road longer than I have. And I know others who's path has been more rocky. That being said after three fresh IVF cycles, 4 transfers (looking at number 5), one early miscarriage, and one chemical pregnancy I feel as if I am a Veteran. I know this process has changed me. And I look back at some of my early blog posts and I barely recognize that girl so full of hope, so naive, and so utterly clueless about what was yet to come.
How do you educate someone without scaring them? How are you honest about what to expect without crushing their hopes? These have been tough questions for me. The the last thing I want to do is to scare or deflate someones hope, but there is part of me that wished someone would have sat me down and told me what to expect. Not only about the tests, the drugs, the side effects, the appointments, the timing. But that this process is HARD. Not only emotionally, but physically. It's hard on your brain, and your heart. Hard on your friendships and your marriage. Hard on your spirit.
How do you prepare someone to constantly feel like they are being tested, judged, and deemed not worthy. That late at night as they lay in bed unable to sleep (whether it's from one of the many drugs or just from regular old worry) you'll wonder if it's truly just not meant to be. That after every failed cycle you will question your doctor, your faith, yourself. That once you know (or accept) that there's a problem or issue it quickly consumes you. And reminders that never used to cause you to blink will become all you see.
How do you tell someone the pain that goes hand in hand with being left behind. Undoubtedly along this journey there will be others who reach YOUR goal before you do. Family members, friends, co-workers, even perfect strangers. And each time you hear that news it feels like a piece of your heart is chipped away.
These are the thoughts that went through my head as I tried to compose an email back to one of these sweet girls. And suddenly it hit me. That although I think all of us can say that we've experienced most, if not all, of what I outlined above there's something else that I know, without a doubt, that we all experience. And that's the strength to go on. To keep trying. To never give up. So instead of telling her about the potential heartache, the stress, the pain, and the worry that lay ahead of her, I told her that she is strong. Stronger than even she herself knows. And that her strength will be tested. But she WILL survive. No matter where this path takes her there is a destination and she needs to focus on that and believe that she will get there. I didn't sugar coat it. I didn't tell her everything will be alright. Because there will be days when it's not I can almost guarantee. I simply told her that she has what it takes to get through. I hope that is enough.
How do you educate someone without scaring them? How are you honest about what to expect without crushing their hopes? These have been tough questions for me. The the last thing I want to do is to scare or deflate someones hope, but there is part of me that wished someone would have sat me down and told me what to expect. Not only about the tests, the drugs, the side effects, the appointments, the timing. But that this process is HARD. Not only emotionally, but physically. It's hard on your brain, and your heart. Hard on your friendships and your marriage. Hard on your spirit.
How do you prepare someone to constantly feel like they are being tested, judged, and deemed not worthy. That late at night as they lay in bed unable to sleep (whether it's from one of the many drugs or just from regular old worry) you'll wonder if it's truly just not meant to be. That after every failed cycle you will question your doctor, your faith, yourself. That once you know (or accept) that there's a problem or issue it quickly consumes you. And reminders that never used to cause you to blink will become all you see.
How do you tell someone the pain that goes hand in hand with being left behind. Undoubtedly along this journey there will be others who reach YOUR goal before you do. Family members, friends, co-workers, even perfect strangers. And each time you hear that news it feels like a piece of your heart is chipped away.
These are the thoughts that went through my head as I tried to compose an email back to one of these sweet girls. And suddenly it hit me. That although I think all of us can say that we've experienced most, if not all, of what I outlined above there's something else that I know, without a doubt, that we all experience. And that's the strength to go on. To keep trying. To never give up. So instead of telling her about the potential heartache, the stress, the pain, and the worry that lay ahead of her, I told her that she is strong. Stronger than even she herself knows. And that her strength will be tested. But she WILL survive. No matter where this path takes her there is a destination and she needs to focus on that and believe that she will get there. I didn't sugar coat it. I didn't tell her everything will be alright. Because there will be days when it's not I can almost guarantee. I simply told her that she has what it takes to get through. I hope that is enough.
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