One Week

It's been one week since the world came crashing down.  Funny I think I've written something like this before here.  I'm constantly surprised by the things the human soul can endure.  On a brighter note I'm also surprised by the compassion and love that people can show.  It has NOT been an easy week.  However my family and friends rallied, as they always do.  My best friend showed up at my house the day after even though I told her not to.  She brought food, and diet Coke, and wine, and beer for D, and Ben and Jerry's ice cream, and season six (the BEST season) of Friends.  She did my dirty dishes.  Is there a better definition of a best friend?  Our families continued to reach out to us even when we weren't responding to their phone calls and texts.  They consistently showered us with love and concern.  I heard from so many of our sisters in this community.  My dear friend Jane, who has a brand new baby at home, fielded my endless questions regarding the actual miscarriage and what happens next.  My rock, my sweet Amanda checked in with me every day and sent me a wonderful care package.  I got emails from bloggers who have been following me but have never commented before.  No, it was not an easy week.  But despite it, I still feel blessed and thankful.

After we received the news Tues morning that there was no heartbeat I did not take my daily doses of progesterone and I actually started spotting Tuesday night.  I had regular period bleeding all week.  I became convinced that maybe the miscarriage would just be this steady bleeding.  I was wrong.  Friday early evening I started getting some bad cramps.  The bleeding got heavy.  To the point that I really couldn't leave the toilet.  In reality it actually happened pretty fast.  Less than 2 hours from start to finish.  I don't want to get super graphic with you guys but if someone is reading this and going through the same thing I also want to give them some sort of a heads up.  I finally passed the baby and it was not just some tissue or a clot like clump (though I had some of those as well).  It was very clearly a sac with something inside.  There were basically two cords attached to the sac.  I think one was where it was attached to my uterus and the other was the cord going to the yolk sac or placenta.  In total it was all about the size of the palm of my hand. There was one large chunk of tissue before that and another after.  I was NOT prepared for any of this as the baby was measuring 7 weeks and I had read if you miscarried before 8 weeks it could just be similar to a very heavy period.  Obviously that was not accurate for me.  Even though it was terrible I am glad that it's over.  When I woke up on Saturday morning I felt.....better.  Still, obviously, very very sad.  But relieved that the worst was over and I had survived.

I got my HCG level checked yesterday and it was at 1800.  I'm not sure how I feel about this.  Compared to where it had to have been this is obviously a big decrease.  And I'm hoping now that the actual miscarriage has happened it will decrease quickly.  I do feel confident that there's nothing left that I would need a D&C for or that would keep those levels from decreasing.  After Friday night I'm not sure how there could be anything left.  CCRM sent me orders to get it checked again next Wed.  My nurse there (Cindy for anyone at CCRM) has been absolutely wonderful.  Before we can move forward the level needs to return to below 5 and I need to have a period.  They also ordered a Repeated Pregnancy Loss panel that I got blood drawn for yesterday.  It will take a couple days to get those results.  And honestly I'll be shocked if anything comes back abnormal.  My gut tells me my shitty eggs are the main issue but I'm glad they are running the tests anyway.

If someone could tell me that I need donor eggs or a surrogate to get our baby I'm at the point where I would happily embrace either of those options. And while I'm not ready to give up I do wonder how much more disappointment we can take without breaking.  Unfortunately I don't think we'll truly know if we need to go either of those routes until we cycle at CCRM.  Which really just amounts to a lot more time and money.  Due to the prior mentioned shitty eggs the plan at CCRM is their egg banking "Family Building Plan".  Which is three retrievals (approx. 8 weeks between retrievals) where they freeze the embryos at the 2PN stage.  After the third retrieval they grow all of the embryos out to day 5 and then providing you still have some left, they do their CSS genetic testing.  It's a couple weeks to get those results and then IF you have normals you can start prepping for a transfer.  The entire process takes anywhere from 6 - 9 months depending on your protocol, potential set backs (cyst, delayed periods, etc).  For the last 2 + years after every disappointment I've comforted myself that if I could just fast forward a year form now this will all be over.  At this point in time I'm pretty confident that a year from now this will not be behind us.  And that, my friends, is a very depressing thought.

So more of the same here - waiting.   D is now completely freaked out about us getting pregnant naturally.  He is 100% against that and feels we need to be very cautious.  I'm not sure how I feel about that.  No I do not want to go through this again AT ALL.  But I also have a hard time stomaching purposely preventing pregnancy.  I'm just not sure what the right answer is here.  Which seems to be a common theme in my life right now.  Thank you to all of you for your concern and your kind words.  You were all the light in the darkest of times this past week.