Growing with Grace

There's things that happen every day in life that shape who you are as a person.  For me there's two significant experiences that have changed the course of my life, how I live it, and my overall perception.  For me these experiences were difficult and unhappy.  I think it's easy to grow in experiences that bring you joy.  The challenge is to grow with grace through the hard stuff.

The first experience was my divorce.  Yes, I was married for a brief period of time before D.  I met my ex-husband in my mid 20's and we were married and divorced before I was 30.  I don't have the excuse of marrying "young".  In fact I don't have an excuse at all.  He was brutally honest with me when we met that he never wanted to get married.  And having just gotten through a difficult break up that was fine with me.  But as the weeks of dating turned to months to years I realized I wanted more.  We broke up a couple different times over that very debate.  But when we got back together the last time he said that his feelings about marriage and family had changed and he not only wanted all that but was ready.  We were engaged 6 months later and after a year of blissful planning we were married.  However it wasn't 2 months into our marriage that things started to change.  He felt trapped by our marriage and resented having to account for another person when making decisions.  He began to pull away and I instinctively held on tighter.  I tried to give him space and basically let him do whatever he wanted without putting up any sort of fight all in the name of saving a marriage that was the furthest thing from healthy for either of us.  Finally after months of being a doormat I found my "mad".  Shortly after that I discovered that his "space" had amounted to at least one, if not more, affairs.  And upon hearing that news the strongest emotion I had was relief.  You see until that point I had kept most of our problems quiet - not wanting my family and friends to think badly of my then husband as I was sure we were going to work through our issues.  Once I realized that probably wasn't going to happen and I started thinking about explaining it to people I felt even more trapped.  How do you tell your (very Catholic) family that you are getting a divorce because he's "mean" or "doesn't want to spend enough (or frankly any) time with me".  Once I learned of his infidelity I had a socially acceptable reason to leave that no one would hold against me.  And while yes I was hurt, angry, and damaged I was also relieved.

Funny enough by the time I filed for divorce the worst was over.  It was the months living in silence - between him and I and my silence of what was happening to my support system - that did the most damage.  It was here that I learned that there's many forms of abuse outside of physical.  For the first time in my life I was failing, hopeless, depressed, and at a complete loss of how to "fix" it.  See that's what I am - a fixer.  There's no problem I can't help people work through.  Whether it's a personal problem in their relationship, an issue with their parents or kids, a work related problem, I'm the person everyone comes to for advice on how to fix it.  And not being able to fix my own personal issues was a huge blow to my self esteem and my sense of self worth.

Though the marriage only lasted a year those months were the some of the longest in my life.  And after going through many different phases of depression and grief I was forced to pick up the pieces.  I had to take a hard look at myself and what I wanted out of life.  Not what others wanted or expected of me, but what I wanted.  And what would make me happy again.  For I had completely forgotten what happy felt like.  Coming out of my broken marriage friends and family marveled at how strong I was.  But what they couldn't understand is it wasn't a choice but a requirement of survival.  By the time my divorce was finalized I was able to look back on the experience and acknowledge what I had learned.  I don't think my ex-husband is a terrible person.  In fact I think he loved me enough to try and be something he wasn't - take on something (marriage) that he didn't really want - for me.  I can see that by holding on tighter I pushed him further away.  I can see that there were a lot of red flags before we were married that I blatantly ignored.  And I can take my share of responsibility for the failure of that marriage.

The second experience has been of course our infertility journey.  I knew D through a mutual friend before and during my marriage.  When I got divorced our relationship started out friendly with him checking in on me to see how I was coping.  Our conversations became longer and longer and before I knew it I was head over heels in love.  In him I saw everything that was missing the first time around.  People may look at D and my ex-husband and think they are very similar.  They have common interests and backgrounds but internally they are very different.  D has a strong sense of family, empathy, concern, and the most inherent sense of right and wrong that I've ever known.  He's loyal to a fault (the man can hold a grudge forever if you hurt someone he loves) and he has a sense of optimism about him that reminds me of the girl I was before the divorce.  One of the lyrics of our wedding song says "You can be hurt by loved or healed by it too".  And that's exactly what happened.  He came into my life and healed my broken heart and spirit.  I'm sure there's plenty of people out there that would argue that I should have spent more time single, that I needed to learn to love myself before I loved someone else.  But that's not what happened.  And if I learned anything from my divorce it was that life was too short to be unhappy and if something brings you love and joy you should do whatever you can to hold on to it.

So before I knew it I found myself married again.  D and I both were ready to start a family right away.  It was something we both knew we wanted and considering I was 32 years old something we didn't want to put off.  Not because of fears of infertility but because we didn't want to be "old" parents.  Do to some other medicial issues we found out early that having a baby would be a challenge for us.  At the time I felt grateful that we didn't waste a whole year trying but could move forward quickly to "fix" the issue.  However after a few months of tests the recommendation for us was to go straight to IVF.  It was a tough pill to swallow but we did so without hesitation.  The situation wasn't ideal but we knew what we wanted and were willing to do whatever we had to for our family.  My gracious parents gave us the money we needed for round one and we started the journey excited.  I'm sure there was fear and worry somewhere inside but honestly all I remember from the beginning was the excitement and the certainty that this was going to be how we started our family.  Obviously that wasn't what happened.

I won't recap our entire journey - most of you know the details.  What I will say is the experience broke me in a completely different way than my failed marriage.  I mentioned before that walking away I was able to take responsiblity for my part of the failure.  Which is very true.  However our infertility felt so much more personal to me.  First of all my body was failing me and there was no one else to place the blame on or carry that weight.  D tried - he's always said that we are in this together but when push comes to shove I blamed myself.  Once again this was another problem that I had no control over - that I couldn't fix.  On top of that you add in the fact that D and I love each other so much.  That I knew in my heart we would be amazing parents.  I felt as if we DESERVED to be parents.  And all I could see was people getting pregnant who didn't want their babies, who were in unhealthy relationships, or not in a relationship at all.  I quickly became angry and bitter.  I was disgusted by the thoughts that ran through my head but they also felt justified.  And I questioned constantly what I had done wrong to deserve this.  In my mind I had already been through such a big struggle with the demise of my first marriage.  And I felt like I had handled that with as much grace as I could.  And now here I was again faced with adversity beyond measure.  Why?  I couldn't stop asking why me when it seemed I was surrounded by people living normal, happy lives.  People who got exactly what they wanted without any heartache or struggle.  Life for them was easy.  Why was it so hard for me?

I still have no idea where I found the strength, will, and determination to continue to fight.  If I had to guess I'd give the credit to D.  He was a rock through the majority of our struggle - staying so positive and strong when I didn't have it in me.  And when he finally did break I'm proud to say I stepped up and took on his role as the strong one.  I know so many situations where infertilty has broken a couple and their marriage.  I thank God every day that wasn't us.  We had our moments for sure.  Moments when we felt disconnected, where I'm sure both of us felt alone, where we didn't know what to say or where to go after the most recent failure.  But we got through it together.  And while I'm sad that we had to go through what we did there's no denying we are stronger today because of it.

Sitting here at 34 weeks pregnant I'd love to tell you that much like D healed my heart after my failed marriage that this pregnancy has healed my heart after years of infertility.  But that's not the case.  The best way I know how to describe it is that my heart has grown.  It's grown times two thanks to these amazing miracles.  And I know it will grow again once I hold them in my arms.  But there's a part of my heart, of my soul, that hasn't recovered from our struggle and I'm not sure it ever will.  I'm not sure it should.  I can look back over the last three years and I can see that there was good that came out of it.  Like I said I feel like my marriage is stronger, I feel like I truly appreciate this gift that I've been blessed with.  I think I'll be a better parent - more patient, more forgiving, more involved.  Just MORE, thanks to our struggle.  However that's not enough for me to wish this journey on my worse enemy.  I also recognize that the damage to my heart and spirit, the hurt I felt in the depth of our battle will never be forgotten.  I can only hope that I can be stronger than the hurt, the anger, and bitterness that still plague me.  That I am strong enough to not let it change me in a negative way.  To remember it's not my place to judge anyone unless I've walked in their shoes. And to hope that I can grow with grace from this challenge.

Shock

I don't even know how to start this post.  Yesterday was definitely one of the most stressful days of my life.  I was sick to my stomach all day with worry about the pending ultrasound.  The day took forever and I couldn't concentrate on anything else.  Work was a complete disaster.  Finally it was time for me to leave and head to the appointment.  D was waiting for me in the parking lot.  When we got there I had to pee of course so I went back to use the restroom and saw my doctor when I was walking out.  She took one look at me and dropped everything and came over to give me a hug.  She just told me to take a couple deep breaths and they'd get me back there as soon as possible.  I returned to the waiting room and we sat there for what felt like forever.  Finally they called us back and it was a new sono tech that I hadn't met or dealt with before.  She asked how far along I was and I immediately just started spilling our whole story to her.  Like I needed to prepare HER in case it was bad news.  She left so I could get undressed and I was literally shaking all over.  When she finally came back and we got started as soon as she put the wand in I was searching the screen for the sac, which I saw right away and I could see a small white blob in it.  As she was zooming in she said "Oh I see a little heartbeat".  I immediately got tears in my eyes and said "You do??"  She confirmed and then I will never forget what happened next..........

She said "And there's the other one....I thought I saw two".

Silence.  Confusion.  Finally I was like "Are you serious?"  And she said "Yep, here's the first baby and there's the second.  I see heartbeats for both but we will measure and listen to them separately".  At some point I said my husband's name in a panicked tone and I remember him saying "It's okay, it's okay".  I'm not sure either of us said much after that.  I'm pretty sure we're still in shock.  I just cannot believe it.  Twins.  Naturally.  Wow.

Yesterday I was 6 weeks 6 days.  Baby A was measuring 6 weeks 2 days with a heartbeat of 115 (they said they just wanted to see it over 100 at this point).  Baby B was measuring 6 weeks 5 days with a heartbeat of 128.  Obviously I'm a little concerned about baby A measuring behind but no one else seemed to be at all.  I am just praying so hard that he or she continues to grow grow grow this week.

I feel greedy but I want them both.  So So badly.  Being 35 and with our history I had basically come to peace with it being a miracle if we got one baby.  I had let go of my dreams of having more than one child and pushed aside my sadness of that child not having a sibling.  But once I saw those little heartbeats I was done.  It feels selfish and greedy and like I'm asking for SO much but I want them both in my arms in approx. 30 weeks.

Here in my "safe" spot I'll be completely honest and vulnerable that the thought did cross my  mind that with two maybe, just maybe one of them will actually make it.  It feels completely unrealistic to me to think that both of these beautiful tiny little specks of life will make it.  But once again, I want them both so much.  I am praying with everything in me that next week at our second sono they BOTH have strong heartbeats and good growth.  Obviously this all just seems too good to be true but I can't help but to hope and wonder......is this my redemption story?

One Week

It's been one week since the world came crashing down.  Funny I think I've written something like this before here.  I'm constantly surprised by the things the human soul can endure.  On a brighter note I'm also surprised by the compassion and love that people can show.  It has NOT been an easy week.  However my family and friends rallied, as they always do.  My best friend showed up at my house the day after even though I told her not to.  She brought food, and diet Coke, and wine, and beer for D, and Ben and Jerry's ice cream, and season six (the BEST season) of Friends.  She did my dirty dishes.  Is there a better definition of a best friend?  Our families continued to reach out to us even when we weren't responding to their phone calls and texts.  They consistently showered us with love and concern.  I heard from so many of our sisters in this community.  My dear friend Jane, who has a brand new baby at home, fielded my endless questions regarding the actual miscarriage and what happens next.  My rock, my sweet Amanda checked in with me every day and sent me a wonderful care package.  I got emails from bloggers who have been following me but have never commented before.  No, it was not an easy week.  But despite it, I still feel blessed and thankful.

After we received the news Tues morning that there was no heartbeat I did not take my daily doses of progesterone and I actually started spotting Tuesday night.  I had regular period bleeding all week.  I became convinced that maybe the miscarriage would just be this steady bleeding.  I was wrong.  Friday early evening I started getting some bad cramps.  The bleeding got heavy.  To the point that I really couldn't leave the toilet.  In reality it actually happened pretty fast.  Less than 2 hours from start to finish.  I don't want to get super graphic with you guys but if someone is reading this and going through the same thing I also want to give them some sort of a heads up.  I finally passed the baby and it was not just some tissue or a clot like clump (though I had some of those as well).  It was very clearly a sac with something inside.  There were basically two cords attached to the sac.  I think one was where it was attached to my uterus and the other was the cord going to the yolk sac or placenta.  In total it was all about the size of the palm of my hand. There was one large chunk of tissue before that and another after.  I was NOT prepared for any of this as the baby was measuring 7 weeks and I had read if you miscarried before 8 weeks it could just be similar to a very heavy period.  Obviously that was not accurate for me.  Even though it was terrible I am glad that it's over.  When I woke up on Saturday morning I felt.....better.  Still, obviously, very very sad.  But relieved that the worst was over and I had survived.

I got my HCG level checked yesterday and it was at 1800.  I'm not sure how I feel about this.  Compared to where it had to have been this is obviously a big decrease.  And I'm hoping now that the actual miscarriage has happened it will decrease quickly.  I do feel confident that there's nothing left that I would need a D&C for or that would keep those levels from decreasing.  After Friday night I'm not sure how there could be anything left.  CCRM sent me orders to get it checked again next Wed.  My nurse there (Cindy for anyone at CCRM) has been absolutely wonderful.  Before we can move forward the level needs to return to below 5 and I need to have a period.  They also ordered a Repeated Pregnancy Loss panel that I got blood drawn for yesterday.  It will take a couple days to get those results.  And honestly I'll be shocked if anything comes back abnormal.  My gut tells me my shitty eggs are the main issue but I'm glad they are running the tests anyway.

If someone could tell me that I need donor eggs or a surrogate to get our baby I'm at the point where I would happily embrace either of those options. And while I'm not ready to give up I do wonder how much more disappointment we can take without breaking.  Unfortunately I don't think we'll truly know if we need to go either of those routes until we cycle at CCRM.  Which really just amounts to a lot more time and money.  Due to the prior mentioned shitty eggs the plan at CCRM is their egg banking "Family Building Plan".  Which is three retrievals (approx. 8 weeks between retrievals) where they freeze the embryos at the 2PN stage.  After the third retrieval they grow all of the embryos out to day 5 and then providing you still have some left, they do their CSS genetic testing.  It's a couple weeks to get those results and then IF you have normals you can start prepping for a transfer.  The entire process takes anywhere from 6 - 9 months depending on your protocol, potential set backs (cyst, delayed periods, etc).  For the last 2 + years after every disappointment I've comforted myself that if I could just fast forward a year form now this will all be over.  At this point in time I'm pretty confident that a year from now this will not be behind us.  And that, my friends, is a very depressing thought.

So more of the same here - waiting.   D is now completely freaked out about us getting pregnant naturally.  He is 100% against that and feels we need to be very cautious.  I'm not sure how I feel about that.  No I do not want to go through this again AT ALL.  But I also have a hard time stomaching purposely preventing pregnancy.  I'm just not sure what the right answer is here.  Which seems to be a common theme in my life right now.  Thank you to all of you for your concern and your kind words.  You were all the light in the darkest of times this past week.