A Different Kind of Christmas

There's just something about the holidays.  It seems as if they either invoke so much happiness and joy or just complete despair.  No in between.  My last two Christmases haven't been what I'd call stellar.  2013 we were in the midst of our first 2ww from our first IVF.  Although I was hopeful I was still scared, anxious, worried, and wondering.  Last year I was in Depot Lupron hell.  We were awaiting our 5th IVF transfer and did 2 months of Depot Lupron after a hysteroscopy to treat my endometriosis.  After a failed transfer in Aug. I was hoping to transfer that Oct. but obviously that didn't happen.  I was stuck in the Waiting Room.  Wishing and hoping desperately for a baby and becoming more and more discouraged with each passing day.  I remember just making a pile of unopened Christmas cards.  I couldn't bear the idea of opening them and seeing all of the sweet smiling faces of kiddos and families.  All I wanted was to fast forward to 2015, a new year, a fresh start.  One I was hoping and praying would finally bring us the start of our family.  

One would have thought this year Christmas would be an absolutely magical time.  And believe me part of it was.  But there was another part of me that just can't forget the feeling of another year passing and being no closer to having the child you want so desperately.  In fact it wasn't that long ago that I assumed I would still be in that boat this Christmas.  We thought we'd be in the midst of the Family Building Plan at CCRM right now.  I had hoped to have at least one retrieval under my belt, and another one scheduled for the beginning of 2016.   However it would still be MONTHS before we'd be in a position to transfer IF we had any normal embryos.  So much waiting.  So many unknowns.

And while I"m absolutely thrilled that we spent this Christmas 14 weeks pregnant with our miracle twins (twins you guys, it still feels like a dream) I'm still having trouble believing this is really happening.  My little bump seems to be growing each day.  Every 2 weeks we have a sono and I get to see these little loves moving and growing and just being simply amazing.  Yet, I still get nervous or uncomfortable when the conversation is focused on the babies and the future.  I still feel gun shy about buying anything related to the twins.  I've made zero effort to even clean out their bedroom, much less do any measuring, painting, etc. etc.  All the books I've read suggest you have everything done and ready to go at 24 weeks when pregnant with identical twins like ours.  And here I am 15 weeks and I can't even commit to a shower date. 

So on Christmas morning as I sat enjoying the lights of our Christmas tree with Chloe snuggled up beside me I was so filled with happiness, yet there was a part of me that was so sad.  My wounds from our infertility battle are far from healed.  I still remember entirely too clearly what it feels like to watch those lights and wonder if every Christmas will continue to be this quiet and lonely.  If there will ever be Christmas presents under that tree for your own children.  If you'll be able to get through the family gathering without breaking down.  I remember what it feels like to want it all just to be over.  And my heart breaks for everyone who is still living that nightmare.

Yes this year was a different kind of Christmas for us.  One I'm so very thankful to have experienced.  But the hurt and pain don't just disappear.  I'll forever be marked, changed by what we went through.  And I understand what it feels like to be in that moment.  For those of you still there I'm thinking about you and praying for all of you every day.  And hoping that this time next year you'll be experiencing your own different kind of Christmas.  

New Doctor, Same Ol' Worries

Tomorrow is my appointment with the Maternal Fetal Specialist.  While the idea of a 4D ultrasound is super exciting of course I'm also nervous.  My assumption is since I'll be 13 weeks is they will be doing the NT scan that is typically done between 11 - 14 weeks since it hasn't been done at my OB office.  So obviously lots of prayers that everything looks good and there aren't any abnormalities found.  We are still doing the first trimester screening Harmony test but we'll re-draw for that next week at my OB office so it will be another 7-10 days from that appointment until we get those results.

The last few days I've been having some discomfort.  It's mostly felt like some pressure or a dull ache in my pelvis region.  I've definitely had what I believe are round ligament pains.  When I roll over in bed or sneeze or get up too fast I'll have kind of a stabbing pain near my groin.  I have read that the dull ache is associated with round ligament pain as well.  Today I've had what I would call some minor cramping which also has me worried.  I finally broke down and called my doctor's office.  The nurse was very kind and assured me that she thinks it's just stretching and growing from the babies.  She advised to drink lots of water and take it easy so that's what I'm doing.  Just praying so hard that all is still well.  I don't mind the discomfort at all, it's just the worry that something might be wrong.

In more exciting news we have started to spread the news to our friends and extended families.  We had some "announcement" pictures taken and have been using them to share our news.  We still haven't made a big Facebook announcement.  I'm actually struggling with that.  D is trying to decide how much of our story he's comfortable sharing.  And being on the receiving end of those announcements for years while we were trying so desperately makes me never want someone else to feel the way I have felt.   However I do remember a specific announcement of a friend from college that I'm not necessarily close with.  When she announced she shared their struggle, as well as an open invitation to reach out for anyone else who might be struggling, having lived through it.  So I think if we do decide on a FB announcement I'd like to do something similar.  Ultimately her story gave me hope and another resource/perspective/shoulder during my struggle.  To this day I still smile every time I see a post with a picture of her sweet toddler.

This brings me to another topic I've been struggling with.  When some friends have heard our news I've had a couple people ask us if the twins were "natural".  Even though we've kept the details of our struggle private most people know we have been trying for a couple years now.  So even if they aren't in the know they can speculate.  The question rubs me wrong for several reasons.  First what is the alternative to natural - unnatural??  Regardless of how any child is conceived there's never an unnatural way.  A child isn't less or more if you got pregnant on your own vs, help from treatments, vs. donor eggs or sperm or adoption.  Next - why does it matter??  Outside of people just being nosy I don't see why it matters if we conceived on our own or had help?  Finally after everything we've been through I'm almost hesitant to admit that these miracles are a result of an unassisted cycle.  The main reason being because I feel like it validates the stupid comments that we all hear so often.  That if we just relax it will happen, or it happened when we stopped trying, etc. etc.  The second reason is because I know this is not a typical ending for someone struggling with infertility.  I know it DOES happen (obviously) but most people will NEED some sort of assistance to grow their family.  Part of me feels like we are one of the few lucky ones but then when I think back to everything we've gone through and all the heartache it's pretty hard to feel lucky.  The one thing I do know is these babies are a gift from God, our miracles.  I have no idea if we'd be where we are today if we hadn't gone through everything we have.  My gut tells me we wouldn't.  And it's been worth every pill, every uncomfortable exam, every injection, every tear.  These babies are worth all of that and more.  I only wish that every couple who struggles with infertility was guaranteed a happy ending.  I know that's not the case.  So I guess that does make us one of the lucky ones.

12 weeks and counting.........

One more milestone down!  We had our sono today (11 weeks 6 days) and it was absolutely amazing!  The babies are SO big you guys.  Like big enough we didn't even need to zoom in!  They measured 12 weeks 2 days and 11 weeks 6 days.  Although Baby B was curled up a little bit and they were both moving around like crazy.  I'm talking arms and legs going like crazy.  It was absolutely mind blowing.  Their heart rates were 166 and 158.  We had trouble getting the second heart rate because he or she was moving around SO much.  

In other exciting news the small hemorrage I had was no where to be found (yeah!) and my cervix was long and closed and looked great.  In unexciting news we found out that we'll need to retest for my 1st trimester screening test.  We drew it at 9 weeks 6 days and due to the fact that it's twins there wasn't enough of the sample to test for both of them.  My doctor reassured me multiple times that there's no correlation with something being wrong and having to retest so I'm trying to trust her and not freak out about it.  On their website it does say to do the test between 11-14 weeks but my office said anytime after 10 weeks was okay.  So more waiting on those results.  I go to see the MFM for the first time next week so I'm hoping that sono will offer us some reassurance during that wait.  

So here we are.  Entering week 12.  Wow.  I never dreamed we would actually get here.  I know there's still a long way to go, but for today my heart is so happy and thankful.  

Below are pictures of our miracles.  OUR BABIES.  Wow.  

The Cycle

Well here we are again.  The day before sono day.  I just can't shake the worry and fears.  Tomorrow I will be 11 weeks 6 days.  Not only do we have our sono but we'll get the results from our first trimester screening test, the Harmony test which provides advanced screening for chromosomes 21 (down syndrome), 13 and 18 (which are the most common chronological disorders).

It's really hard to think of anything else but what tomorrow might bring.  The thought of getting through the day with all good news brings me such relief and hope.  The fear that something is wrong is paralyzing.  I pray throughout the day all day long that these little ones are continuing to grow and develop into healthy babies.  But when push comes to shove I just don't trust my body.  It has let me down so many times before.  And while I want so badly to think that this is finally our time I just can't be sure.

I was feeling much better as I started my 11th week.  Less tired and generally just less of the overall crappy feeling I'd been struggling with.  I had a few good days then a really bad day yesterday and today isn't much better.  I'm still taking the progesterone suppositories.  And now with the placenta starting to take over and hopefully produce it's own progesterone I wonder if I'm on overload.  I'm terribly bloated (when I wake up in the morning I just look pudgy but by bedtime I look blatantly pregnant), struggling with food, and the last couple days overly tired again.  I'm hoping these are all good signs.  Honestly I would feel like crap happily every day if it meant my babies were growing and doing well.

We also finally have our first appointment with the MFM scheduled for next week.  I know if by some miracle everything is okay tomorrow I will be anxiously awaiting that appointment.  D and I have decided if we get through all of that and everything is good then we'll make an announcement about the pregnancy.  I know our families are dying to shout it from the rooftops and there's a part of me that is too, but another part that is just so scared of something going wrong still.  Infertility is hard but one thing I never knew was how hard pregnancy after infertility is.  Don't get me wrong I'll take the fear of pregnancy any day over the struggle with infertility.  But it just seems that after we fight as hard as we do to become pregnant it should be an easy stress free road.  Maybe it is for some, but not the case for me.

So I ask you all, yet again, to say some prayers for our babies tonight.  We are praying so hard that the screening comes back low risk/normal and that both of our little miracles have continued to grow on schedule with strong heart beats.  As always thanks for the love and support and here's to hoping we are entering the 2nd trimester!

A wedding and a not so secret pregnancy

I am the worse blogger ever.  I can't believe I didn't update after our appointment last week.  If there's anyone waiting on pins and needles everything was great.  On Wednesday at the appointment we were 9 weeks 6 days.  Baby A measured 10 weeks exactly with a heart rate of 165bpm.  Baby B measured 9 weeks 5 days with the same heart rate of 164.  You guys they were both jumping around like crazy.  We had a hard time getting an accurate reading on Baby B's heart and length since he or she was moving so much.  It was so crazy.  My mom and my mother in law both came with me since we decided to have D stay at work for this one (he's a teacher and has missed so much school with these appointments).  We ended up FaceTiming him so it was basically a circus in the sono room.  But such a relief that they were both doing great.  This still just all feels like a dream to me.  It's so hard for me to actually wrap my head around the fact that we've made it this far.

We had a great holiday.  On Thursday we traveled to have Thanksgiving with my extended family.  My Aunt and Grandma already knew about the babies but I got to tell my two cousins that I'm closest with, which was a lot of fun.  I wanted to wait until 12 weeks to tell them but my Mom was literally bursting with the news so I caved.  Then this weekend my brother in law got married.  Our family has been consumed with wedding plans for months now so it was very exciting that it was finally here.  D and I both stood up with them so it was a crazy weekend of running around to get everything decorated and set up and then a long day on Saturday at the salon, taking pictures, etc.  Between my expanding waist and all the bloat there really wasn't much hiding the fact that I'm pregnant in my bridesmaid dress.  I got the first question about it Friday night at the Rehearsal dinner and they just kept coming on Sat.  For those that flat out asked if I was pregnant (yes, several people did that?!) I just told them that it was still early and due to the issues we've had in the past we weren't telling people until we were out of the first trimester.  Most of the people that asked knew at the very least that we've been trying a long time, and some of them even knew we've had multiple miscarriages.  There were a couple people who I am not remotely close with who flat out asked which was just shocking to me.  You'd think after almost three years of struggling I'd be used to it.

That was our weekend in a nutshell.  So much to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.  As I said before it still just doesn't seem real.  This week I'm traveling for work all week long.  So there's not even the possiblity for a sono.  Which is scary to me.  Our next appointment is scheduled for Wed. Dec. 9th at our OBGYN's office.  However we should get a call from the MFM specialist this week.  If they can see us next week then we'll bump our appointment at my OB's as there's no sense in seeing both of them the same week.  I'm anxious to get into the MFM so I hope they call soon.  We also did the Harmony first trimester screening tests last week.  For those of you that aren't familiar they now have very advanced blood tests for the first trimester screening.  It will test for all of the common genetic disorders such as Down Syndrome, Trisomy 18, etc.  They are much more accurate than the old quad marker tests.  In addition they can tell you sex of the baby which was super exciting until my nurse broke it to me that with twins it won't be able to tell us.  Which surprises me especially since they are identical?  But honestly I'm not even disappointed about that.  I have zero preference as far as the sex goes.  I just want them to be healthy.  I get sick to my stomach when I start thinking about getting those test results so I'm trying just to put it out of my mind and I"m praying every day that they just continue to grow into healthy babies. The test results usually take 7-10 days but with the holidays my doctor's office said to expect two weeks.  So we should get the results about the same time as our next sono appointment.  If by some miracle those results come back normal and we get through the first 4D sono at the MFM's office with no red flags I will be absolutely beside myself.  I know there's still so much risk but those are some big milestones for sure.  If all is well we will officially make an announcement.  I've been thinking a lot about how I want to do that,

Real or Not Real

The title to this post has two meanings.  The first being it was opening weekend for the last Hunger Games movie which I went and saw and it was awesome.  The second is of course, related to this pregnancy.

Each day is filled with worry on if everything is progressing as it should be.  On Wednesday of last week, the day after our Scary Morning, I got a call from the doctor's office saying that my progesterone level was at 15 and they wanted me to start on suppositories.  My OBGYN likes to see your progesterone above 20, although I know CCRM told me that 9 was the lowest end of "normal".  After panicking and researching I discovered that progesterone levels can/do fluctuate during the day.  Most of my appointments have been in the morning but my last blood draw was an afternoon appointment.  I also read that starting week 8-9 progesterone levels *can* decrease as the placenta starts to take over (though this won't be complete until week 12ish).  You would think all of that information would make me feel better.  Nope.  The fact that I had some bleeding (even though they could give me an answer for why it was happening and weren't concerned) with the decreasing progesterone levels has made me feel like it's the beginning of the end of this pregnancy.  I'm just so terrified of losing these precious babies.  And it consumes me.  I know it's not good for me or the babies.  And I do everything I can to try and think positive thoughts.  But after all we've been through it's just so hard NOT to worry and obsess.  I had a couple days where I felt pretty good, which of course makes me nervous.  In addition now that I started the progesterone I find no comfort in my symptoms since they can all be attributed to the suppositories.

I've also taken to obsessing over my belly.  By the end of the day it's actually pretty big due to all the bloating.  But when I wake up in the morning it really doesn't look any different than when I was not pregnant except maybe slightly noticeable that I've gained a couple pounds.  My regular clothes fit fine in the morning although they are uncomfortable by the evening due to the bloat.  At 9 1/2 weeks I just feel like with twins I should be showing more.  However this is obviously my first baby(ies) and I'm 5'8' tall with a long torso. Plus the babies are still the size of peanuts (literally that's the food reference this week) so how big should I really be?

Welcome to my world of crazy.  These are the thoughts that run through my mind non stop every day.  I'm actually relieved to be back at work today so I have more of a distraction to keep my mind occupied.  Wednesday is our next sono at 9 weeks 6 days.  I know I say this every time but I feel like this is a big milestone for us.  If all is okay on Wed. our next appointment will be our 12 week with the MFM.  There's a million other worries associated with that appointment but I won't even go there now.  One milestone at a time.  I pray constantly throughout the day for these two little miracles that God has blessed us with.  And I'll gladly deal with the worry and stress for the whole 9 months to get two little healthy babies at the end.  I'll endure absolutely anything for their health and safety.  I just pray so hard that I get that chance.

Scary Morning

It's been quite a morning here.  Yesterday I called and talked to my nurse and they scheduled me for a sono at 8:30 this morning.  Well my alarm went off at 6am and I got up to pee which includes a normal 5 min inspection of the toilet paper.  However as soon as I whipped I saw blood.  I screamed loud enough that D jumped out of bed and came flying into the bathroom.  I immediately started bawling.  Thank goodness he kept his head.  He led me back to bed and just told me to lay down.  My parents were coming to the sono with me today since D is a teacher and can't be missing school once a week.  He quickly threw some clothes on and said he would run to school and get everything squared away for a sub and then come back to get me to take me to the doctors appointment.  While he was gone I just layed there praying so hard.  I called my parents and they said they would still meet us at the appointment to be there for moral support.  D was back so quick and we hit the road.  We got to the appointment 15 minutes early only to find out the sono tech wasn't going to be there until 9.  So we had a 45 min. wait.  I'm so thankful my parents were there to distract and support us otherwise I'm sure I would have just sat there and cried the entire time.  I went back to go to the bathroom and talked to a couple of the nurses.  They were very positive and said there's a lot of different reasons for bleeding outside of miscarriage and we just needed to wait and see.

Finally we got called back by the sono tech.  It was the same sweet woman we had at our last bad sono when we didn't see a heartbeat.  I actually felt kind of bad for her through my own worry and sadness.  She got us started pretty quickly but did not turn on the big flat screen that we watch.  She just had her little computer screen on.  She quickly assured us that she saw one heartbeat and then another.  Huge sigh of relief.  Then she turned the big screen on and I could tell right away that they had grown.  She did some quick measurements and they came in at 8 weeks 4 days and 8 weeks 5 days (I am 8w5d today!).  We then listened to each little heartbeat individually.  They were both measuring 174bpm!  That was great news as last week Baby A that had originally measured behind had caught up in size but it's heart rate was at 148 which was on the lowest end of average for that time.  So good news all the way around.

She also thought she could very faintly see the membrane separating their amniotic sacs!  This is something I have been praying so hard for since the risk with MoMo twins are so high.  Another huge relief.

After a little more inspection she pointed out two different areas of my uterus where she could see some tissue coming loose.  It was kind of confusing but I took it as it's sort of break through bleeding from when you should be having your period.  One of the areas was very close to my cervix so it was what was most likely causing the bleeding I had today.  There was another area near the top of my uterus that she said could cause more bleeding at a later time.  Obviously this all still worries me but I feel better knowing that it could happen again and there's a non-threatening reason for it.  She said it was fairly common in early pregnancy.

So overall good news today and a huge relief.  I'm not going to lie there's a part of me that is so scared that everything was fine today but it's the beginning of the end.  Even after all of the reassurance today it's still very nerve wracking.  But the good news is we kept our appointment for next Wed so we only have a week to wait until we get another update.  That will be 10 weeks which I feel like is a big milestone!.  Knowing they are both growing so well and have strong heartbeats does do a lot to calm my crazy though.

We ask for your continued prayers through this scary time!  It means so much.

Letting go of the Worries

It's Monday also known as 8 weeks 4 days!  I survived the weekend which included a bachelorette party for my future sister in law.  Fake drinking is HARD girls.  I'm pretty sure a few of the girls were suspicious but it is what it is.  I managed to stay out with the group until 11:30pm but then I gave in and went back to the hotel.  Yesterday I slept from 11:30-3:30 in the afternoon and still fell asleep on the couch before 9pm.  So.  Tired.  I'm still have really sore boobs, and just a general feeling of ickiness most days.  But no throwing up yet which is good I guess.  I'd gladly puke my guts out every day if it gave me some reassurance but honestly I don't think anything is capable of that.

As I mentioned in my last post I am not scheduled to go back to the doctor until the Wed. before Thanksgiving.  I decided this morning that just wasn't going to work.  I just couldn't wait that long without knowing if the babies were okay.  So I called my OB today and they scheduled me for a sono tomorrow morning.  I feel a little bit crazy but honestly I don't even care.  I'm hoping and praying so hard that everything is still good and it will offer me a little bit of reassurance.  I can't even think about the alternative.

Realistically I know that at some point I am going to have to go longer than 7 days but I just decided that doesn't need to be in the first trimester.  My hope is after we get through 12 weeks I'll feel a little bit better and will be able to make it the 2 weeks between appointments.  There's really no reason for me to be anxious.  I haven't had any bleeding, my symptoms haven't gone away.  I have been having what I'd call a pulling or stretching sensation along with some pressure in my uterus.  It's not painful so I wouldn't call it cramps but it has been pretty consistent the last two days.  The hope is it's just things stretching and growing in there but with everything that's happened I just can't rest easy.  A part of me wonders that even if everything is okay if I'll ever be able to relax.

The Power of Prayer

You guys.  God is SO good.  As are all of the amazing people in our life who love, support and pray for us.  Every single one of our prayers were answered today.  The babies are both doing great.  They are BOTH measuring exactly the same at 8 weeks (1.53cm) which is actually a day ahead!  Baby A's heartbeat was 148 and Baby B's (I really need to come up with better names for them!) was 160.  I could tell right away that they have both grown SO much!  We confirmed that there are two yolk sacs which as I mentioned before is a strong indicator that there is a membrane separating them.  The yolk sacs are actually overlapping - one is in front of the other.  They are the blob between the babies in the sono picture.

I don't really have words for my feelings.  Of course the worry and fear has not left.  But aside from that I'm feeling just completely overwhelmed with joy and hope, happiness and love.  I find myself in tears on and off all day long just thinking about them.  And even though the fear and anxiety is always present I'm doing my best to really ENJOY this pregnancy as much as I can.  D walks around beaming from ear to ear.  He's so so happy you guys.  I know that we both have had some dark times but I guess I hadn't realized just how much this has affected him until now.  Until I see him rejoicing and filled with hope.  And to know that I am a part of giving him a gift that has made him this happy just overwhelms me.  In my darkest times I've felt as if this wasn't happening for us because I didn't deserve it.  And the fact that he does, so much, more than anyone in this world just broke me.  To be able to help heal his shattered heart, it just fills me up.  I love this man so much and he will be the very best father.  Of that I am sure. (cue more uncontrollable tears).

So this is where we are.  I'm amazed and in awe and so very thankful for our current state.  I know it's still so early and a lot can happen but for today we celebrate and give thanks.  One day at a time, one milestone at a time.

We will go back to see my OB in 2 weeks for another sono.  If everything is good we'll do our first trimester screenings then.  They also are calling in a referral for me to the Maternal Fetal Specialist.  They will call me to set up an appointment but they warned me they probably won't want to see me until 12 weeks.  Between the two offices I'll have appointments every two weeks and ultrasounds to hear the heartbeats at each appointment.  Two weeks is feeling SO far away right now.  But I am hopeful that the time passes quickly and I'm praying every second that God continues to help these babies grow and development and that they are healthy.

Twins.  Can you believe it?

Feeling all the Feels

Feeling all the Feels.  I love this expression as there's usually so many different emotions tied to the BIG events or circumstances in our lives.  This seems especially true for my current situation.  Today I am 7 weeks 4 days (note the use of my present term vs. the word *should* - that's my positivity people!).  I think the shock of the news is slowly starting to wear off.  I'm still constantly looking at the ultrasound pictures in awe but it feels more real to me.  Physically I feel like I'm getting bigger everyday.  My fitted clothes are definitely uncomfortable and my waist seems to be disappearing fast.  I've gained approx. 4lbs already which feels like A LOT to me.  However I still think a portion of this can be attributed to bloating.  I've been feeling pretty crappy overall which is great news!  My boobs have been very sore, I've been really tired and just feel..... off.  Still no morning sickness or even really any nausea.  It's more that nothing sounds good to eat.  But I am constantly STARVING.  But when I do eat I feel like I get full really quickly.  Like I can't eat another bite but I'm still hungry.  It's the oddest thing.  I did read an article that all this is common in twin pregnancies.  In fact I was shocked that the whole article described everything I've been feeling.  So that was reassuring.

Saturday I had a good day where I felt pretty good.  As the day went on I noticed that my boobs weren't hurting at all.  Not really even a little bit.  Of course that sent me into a spiral of my pregnancy symptoms were disappearing and we had lost BOTH babies and how the hell was I ever going to deal with that.  Poor D did the best he could to talk me off the ledge.  By that evening I felt like my boobs were starting to hurt again and yesterday everything was back in full force and I was feeling awful and slept from 11am-2pm and still went to bed at 8:45 and slept until 6am this morning (Of course I got up to pee twice).  So I'm praying constantly that both babies are growing and developing and everything is going well.

Enough of the BAD feelings and onto the good.  Obviously when we think about the concept of this actually working out we are overcome with excitement.  I'm not naive guys.  I know having twins would be HARD.  I know we'll be exhausted and overwhelmed and terrified for a million new reason when (not IF, but when) they get here.  But truly this is a dream come true for us.  Looking past the first trimester (which is obviously very hard for me) I know there's a lot of potential complications just with the pregnancy alone, not to mention the babies if they come early.  I've done my research on the different type of twins.  You can see from the sono picture below it appears both babies are in the same amniotic sac.  If that is in fact the case that would make them MoMoTwins (monoamniotic).  Basically they would share the same sac and placenta and they are very high risk due to the possibility of cord entanglement.  However at this early stage it can be difficult to see the membrane that separates the sacs.  It's more likely to see it between 8-10 weeks and a lot of times they won't be able to tell until your second trimester.  In addition we saw 2 yolk sacs at our last ultrasound which is not a guarantee but a good indicator there will be two sacs.  Honestly none of that is scaring me at the moment.  All I am concerned with is that they BOTH keep growing.  If God can just bless us with two healthy babies we will get through whatever difficulties and obstacles come our way.  I know we can do this.

So aside from the terror and the excitement there's also wonder, curiosity, anxiety, hope, anticipation, HAPPINESS, and finally So.  Much.  Love.  I love both these little babies so much you guys.  They already have my whole heart and there's nothing I want more than to bring them both into this world.
I feel like I have asked so much of you guys but I'm again asking you to continue to pray for these little love bugs.  Our next sono is Wednesday morning when I'll be 7 weeks 6 days.  Below is our sono picture from last Wednesday!

(That blob in between them is Baby B's yolk sac.  You can't see Baby A's in this picture).

Shock

I don't even know how to start this post.  Yesterday was definitely one of the most stressful days of my life.  I was sick to my stomach all day with worry about the pending ultrasound.  The day took forever and I couldn't concentrate on anything else.  Work was a complete disaster.  Finally it was time for me to leave and head to the appointment.  D was waiting for me in the parking lot.  When we got there I had to pee of course so I went back to use the restroom and saw my doctor when I was walking out.  She took one look at me and dropped everything and came over to give me a hug.  She just told me to take a couple deep breaths and they'd get me back there as soon as possible.  I returned to the waiting room and we sat there for what felt like forever.  Finally they called us back and it was a new sono tech that I hadn't met or dealt with before.  She asked how far along I was and I immediately just started spilling our whole story to her.  Like I needed to prepare HER in case it was bad news.  She left so I could get undressed and I was literally shaking all over.  When she finally came back and we got started as soon as she put the wand in I was searching the screen for the sac, which I saw right away and I could see a small white blob in it.  As she was zooming in she said "Oh I see a little heartbeat".  I immediately got tears in my eyes and said "You do??"  She confirmed and then I will never forget what happened next..........

She said "And there's the other one....I thought I saw two".

Silence.  Confusion.  Finally I was like "Are you serious?"  And she said "Yep, here's the first baby and there's the second.  I see heartbeats for both but we will measure and listen to them separately".  At some point I said my husband's name in a panicked tone and I remember him saying "It's okay, it's okay".  I'm not sure either of us said much after that.  I'm pretty sure we're still in shock.  I just cannot believe it.  Twins.  Naturally.  Wow.

Yesterday I was 6 weeks 6 days.  Baby A was measuring 6 weeks 2 days with a heartbeat of 115 (they said they just wanted to see it over 100 at this point).  Baby B was measuring 6 weeks 5 days with a heartbeat of 128.  Obviously I'm a little concerned about baby A measuring behind but no one else seemed to be at all.  I am just praying so hard that he or she continues to grow grow grow this week.

I feel greedy but I want them both.  So So badly.  Being 35 and with our history I had basically come to peace with it being a miracle if we got one baby.  I had let go of my dreams of having more than one child and pushed aside my sadness of that child not having a sibling.  But once I saw those little heartbeats I was done.  It feels selfish and greedy and like I'm asking for SO much but I want them both in my arms in approx. 30 weeks.

Here in my "safe" spot I'll be completely honest and vulnerable that the thought did cross my  mind that with two maybe, just maybe one of them will actually make it.  It feels completely unrealistic to me to think that both of these beautiful tiny little specks of life will make it.  But once again, I want them both so much.  I am praying with everything in me that next week at our second sono they BOTH have strong heartbeats and good growth.  Obviously this all just seems too good to be true but I can't help but to hope and wonder......is this my redemption story?

The Day Before

We've made it to the day before our first ultrasound.  We originally were hoping to get in for the sono on Monday but with D's work schedule we really needed an afternoon appointment so they scheduled it for tomorrow afternoon.  I *should* be 6 weeks and 6 days.  To say I'm nervous or anxious is a huge understatement.  I'm basically sick to my stomach when I even think about sitting in the waiting room much less walking into the sono room.  I alternate several times an hour between thinking everything is fine and that it's doomed.  Here's what I've been telling myself for reassurance.

1.  I've had no bleeding AND my progesterone levels have been good so I'm not taking any shots or suppositories that could essentially be keeping me from bleeding if something is wrong.  

2.  I've had no major cramping or pain.  I have had twinges but I would call them mild and they only last for a minute.  I did have some back pain this weekend but it wasn't severe and could have been from me laying around and doing literally NOTHING all weekend.

3.  My boobs still hurt.  Once again no progesterone supplements that I can blame this on.  They are definitely bigger and still hurt consistently. Although some times during the day much worse than others.  

4.  I'm more tired this time than I"ve ever been.  I've heard a lot of pregnant women talk about how they are so tired they just completely Can.  Not.  Function.   While it definitely hasn't been that extreme for me I have been more tired than usual.  

That's all I got.  Really no nausea or morning sickness.  No food aversions although sometimes nothing at all sounds good to eat.  

So that would lead me to reasons I would believe things aren't okay

1.  It's me.

That's all I've got.  My past and history are the red flags and really the only signal to me that everything isn't okay.  But it's a pretty big one.  I have definitely been trying to stay positive and hopeful and I think I've been doing a good job.  While also recognizing how scared I am and trying to be realistic.  While the thought of the sono is absolutely terrifying at least we'll have some more information one way or another.  So between now and then all of your prayers are greatly appreciated.  

The Imposter

I started this post yesterday but since I have the results from beta #4 I'll lead with that.  It came back at 13,760 and my progesterone was 26.  My nurse who called me said the numbers looked "perfect" but I was panicked because if it continued to double it should have been higher.  But after some consulting Dr. Google I found this which provided some comfort.


"As your pregnancy develops, the hcg increase slows down significantly. Between 1,200 and 6,000 mIU/ml serum, the hCG usually takes about 72-96 hours to double, and above 6,000 mIU/ml, the hCG often takes over four or more days to double. It makes little sense to follow the hCG values above 6,000 mIU/ml as at this point the increase is normally slower and not related to how well the pregnancy is doing."

So I'm going to choose to believe my nurse that everything is progressing fine.  We scheduled an ultrasound for a week from today.  I should be 6 weeks 6 days at that point.  I'm not even going to try to go in to my feeling about walking back into the sono room.  That is for a post for another day.  Below is what I started last night......


These past few months have been filled with so many different emotions that there's no way I could tackle them all in one blog post (nor do most of you have the attention span to listen to that much rambling!).  But one of the major issues/feelings I've been struggling with lately is feeling out of place.  You see for the last couple of years my primary focus has been on our infertility.  As soon as I got my diagnosis (elevated FSH) I began researching like a crazy person.  It didn't take me long to find this amazing community and to jump head first into absorbing all of your stories and advice.  Soon there after I began my own blog and started forming some solid friendships based on these shared circumstances.  I found comfort in the fact that I wasn't facing this alone and that there were others out there that understood how I felt.  Others that had walked in my shoes and not only survived, but found a way to make their dreams come true.  In July when I found myself pregnant naturally after I got over the initial shock I thought "maybe I am one of the lucky ones".  Not that I consider 2+ years of infertility treatments and failed cycles "lucky".  But maybe this miraculous occurrence was it for us and we wouldn't have to face the stress and anxiety of another cycle (much less spend the 10's of thousands of dollars!).  When I left the devastating ultrasound where there was no heartbeat I distinctly remember thinking how stupid I was to think I could actually escape my infertility.  And although I was devastated by that loss I remember how comfortable it was to slip my cloak of infertility back on.  This is what I know, what I've become comfortable with.  I understand protocols and hormone levels and I know what our odds of success are.  So while I wasn't exactly excited to be back on the bus at least my seat was one I was familiar with.

Fast forward to two weeks ago when I got my second positive pregnancy test.  I touched on my initial post how my first reaction was one of anger.  I just could not believe this was happening AGAIN.  All the pain from the last miscarriage was still so raw.  I just sat there crying thinking I can NOT go though this again.  I won't survive it.  But of course I did.  We got the first beta and then the second and then the third.  Slowly symptoms started to appear.  My breasts got more and more sore, food became less and less appealing.  I started going to bed earlier and noticing I was increasing more tired.  Of course with each passing day and each milestone you begin to hope more and more.  

I thought several times about posting an update on my blog and one thing always stopped me.  Being infertile and getting pregnant on your own once - that's a fluke.  That happens.  We celebrate that and are here to cheer the person on and support them with our thoughts and prayers.  But getting pregnant twice in a row......  where does that leave me?  I worried that my news would be hurtful or annoying to my sisters who are still in the trenches.  I've always had this vision of once we finally had a successful transfer and made it WELL past the first trimester I would magically have the courage and strength to speak out about our situation.  I would become the advocate that I've always wanted to be for infertility.  Part of the reason that this blog is anonymous is because my husband isn't comfortable with having this very personal issue public.  But there are other reasons as well.  I'm not sure my heart can handle the response from people who aren't educated on infertility and it's treatments.  I'm not sure I can handle the well meaning advice from people who haven't walked this path.  I've also constantly struggled through every failed cycle feeling like I'm disappointing those closest to me with the failure.  Between that and carrying around their sadness I feel like I would drown.

But infertility awareness is something I've become so passionate about.  Having this community and knowing there's so many other women struggling with this has been life support for me.  And I WANT to give back.  I always thought once I had my miracle baby I would be able to do that.  If this pregnancy is viable and God willing we end up with our miracle baby does that disqualify me from the club?  I still FEEL infertile.  My test results and history prove that I am.  If I get and manage to stay pregnant naturally I"m not sure where that leaves me......
 

Looking Back

This month has been a time of reflection for me.  For the first time on this journey I've allowed myself to look at where we started, how far we've come, and of course how far we have to go.  2 1/2 years, 31 months, 961 days.  It's a small period of time in the grand scheme of life.  But for us this time has passed with pain, heartbreak, and small pockets of hope that were snuffed out so quickly.  Each passing month, let's be honest each passing day, is one day too long that we've been in this fight to grow our family.  It feels like so much longer than 2 1/2 years.  However when I look back at this time in our life this is what I see:

3 fresh IVF retrievals
5 transfers of 8 embryos
1 natural pregnancy
1 chemical pregnancy
2 miscarriages
Countless blood draws, tests, procedures, ultrasounds,injections, and drugs
Hours of worry
An ocean of tears
Endless waiting

I wouldn't wish this heartbreak and pain on anyone.  But, as it usually goes with life, there is also a silver lining.  Although when I measure these past 2 1/2 years I do it in treatments, cycles, and disappointments when I look at the above list I see something else.

Unconditional love
Strength beyond comprehension
Endurance that can't be measured
Hope that refuses to be extinguished
Persistence
Fight
Support
Encouragement

Although this rocky road was NOT in our plan when we said I Do, today I look at my husband in a whole new light.  This man has stood by me when it would have been so much easier to walk away.  He has seen me at my worst, dragged me out of dark hole after dark hole.  He's held me when I cried, made me laugh through my tears.  Our love, our marriage, is so strong. And for that I am grateful.

They say you don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only choice.  And that is exactly right.  It takes strength to endure the disappointments and get up every day to continue to face them.  It takes endurance to start yet another cycle of pills, injections, uncontrollable hormones, and so much unknown. To hope when all the odds are against you, when others are telling you to give up.  To have the kind of persistence to try again.  To continue to fight this battle when your body and soul are broken and so very tired.  Some may call me stupid but I am proud of these characteristics that have come to define us.

Finally when I look back at what we've been through on this journey I see support and encouragement.  No, not everyone understands what we are going through or why we continue on.  And they don't need to, it's not for them.  But others, our families, our closest friends, and this amazing community continue to offer support and encouragement.  They are the light for us in this dark tunnel.  It's what allows us to continue on.  For that I am so very thankful.  

I find myself looking to all of you again for your support and prayers.  This month I find myself pregnant, again, naturally.  As we prepped the second time for our first cycle at CCRM this time I took a pregnancy test before starting injections after what happened last time.  And it was positive.  To say I was shocked doesn't even begin to describe my feelings.  In this space where I can be transparent I'll tell you our first reaction was anger.  We had managed to get through the hell that was the last miscarriage.  I was physically recovered and we were mentally ready to start our journey at CCRM.  We knew they are were our best chance.  And now not only was this another delay but most likely more of the gut wrenching heartache and disappointment.

Now that we've had a couple of weeks to absorb the news our anger and confusion has morphed slowly into hope.  While realistically I know that we have a high risk of miscarriage there's still something inside of me saying this could be IT.  I pray throughout the day and at night when sleep eludes me that I'll get to meet this life that God has blessed me with.  For regardless of what happens with this pregnancy I am blessed to carry this life for the short term or the long.  I tested two days before my expected period and when I got the positive immediately called my OB.  I went in for a blood test and my beta was at 66.  Two days later (the day my period was expected to arrive) our beta had more than doubled and was at 166.  A week later we were over 3600.  With each passing day and each milestone I find more hope in my heart.  The fear is still there and will overtake me at a moments notice if I let it.  But I am strong,  I have endurance,  I will persist.  I will fight.  And I will hope with everything in me that this is it for us.

Your thoughts and prayers are greatly appreciated during this time.  We'll have a fourth beta this week and if all is progressing as it should our fist ultrasound will be next week.  

Faith vs. Logic

Hello world.  It's been 7 weeks and I'm so relieved to report that my HCG level is FINALLY back down to 1.  We tested the Friday of Labor Day weekend and it came back at a 7.  Ugh.  One more trip last week and it's finally, officially over.  We are now just waiting for my period to start and we can re-start our first cycle at CCRM.  I am more than ready to get things rolling.  We still haven't made any decisions on the Family Building Plan vs. a single cycle at CCRM.  I really think we are just going to wait and see how the cycle is looking and what the recommendations are.  For us it will most likely be a last min decision the day of retrieval.  I am asking and trusting that God will guide us to make the right choice.

That's something I've been given a lot of thought to lately.  Faith and trust in God and His plan.  I recently spent some one on one time with a close friend of mine and while talking about moving forward with CCRM she had a lot of hard questions for me to answer.  Basically she can't really understand after 3 retrievals, five transfers, and one spontaneous pregnancy why I think CCRM is going to be able help us.  And while it's a stab to the heart it's a logical question.  She's not the first to raise the question of when enough is enough and won't be the last.  I wish more than anything my situation was black and white.  But it's colored so many in between shades it's hard for me to even distinguish any more.  Yes, we've been through 3 fresh cycles and in each one we retrieved more eggs than the cycle before.  I've had an early miscarriage, a chemical, and finally this last spontaneous pregnancy that resulted in a miscarriage after we saw a heartbeat.  Where the shades of gray fall are with all of the different aspects of each of those cycles.  With the miscarriage the embryos were not CCS tested so we have no idea if they were genetically normal.  With the chemical pregnancy the embryos were genetically tested but on Day 3, which Dr. Schoolcraft informed me could be fatally damaging to the embryos.  If we had done five transfers of all "normal" embryos I would be ready to move on to a GC (even though nothing in all of the millions of tests they have ran is indicating I would have any problems carrying a baby).  If we had retrieved and tested all of these eggs/embryos and none of them came back normal I would know that it's time to look into donor eggs.  But for me it seems to be a mix of both.  I did get genetically normal embryos, but they were most likely damaged by the day 3 genetic testing.  So now I feel like my judgement is clouded and that there's no clear next path.

My simple answer for my friend is I have faith in CCRM because of their lab.  Even my genetically normal embryos from my local clinic weren't perfect or even great quality.  My hope is that CCRM can help us produce MORE mature eggs and their lab can help us get more, QUALITY blasts.  My hope is that our "golden" egg will be found here, providing I really can carry a child.  And while we are definitely open to using a GC or donor eggs, until we cycle at CCRM I don't feel like either path is clear for us.

But to my friend's point there's a very good possibility that we'll cycle at CCRM and it WON'T work.  And that is going to be absolutely devastating.  It's taking every last penny we have to cycle with them and if we get through this and discover that we do need a donor or a GC there's not going to be any money left at this time to explore that option.  And that absolutely terrifies me.  But when it comes down to it this entire journey has been blind faith.  There are no guarantees.  No amount of hard work, dedication, or shear desire will make this successful.  We have no control over the outcome no matter what supplements I take, food or drinks I give up, or how much I exercise or take care of my body.  Yes there's things we can to do help but ultimately it's out of our control.

So to me it becomes a choice.  I can give up or I can have faith.  Blind trust in God and His plan.  Even after ALL of our failures and everything we've been through I still feel in my gut that I am meant to be a mother.  Honestly (and I may just be in severe denial here) but I still feel like I will carry that child.  There's definitely days that I'm more sure than others, and there's also days where I feel like giving up.  But one thing I know for sure is at this time there's too many unknowns.  And only one way to truly get some answers.  Whatever the outcome I'm ready to know.

Making the right choice

As we wait for my HCG level to come back down I've been struggling lately with our next steps.  When we first found out that we were pregnant naturally we were cautiously optimistic.  I mean we'd been pregnant before and had nothing to show for it so we knew that a positive test did not equal a baby in our arms.  We agreed to look at that pregnancy as a "bonus" try for us.  If it worked out then it was truly our miracle.  If not, then we would move forward with our plan to go to CCRM.  Well as you all now that bonus try did not work out.  So here we are starting over again.  And even though my heart is still grieving the loss of our miracle baby my determination has returned.  We are not ready to give up on our dream of having a family.  But I am questioning our chosen route.....

When we met with Dr. Schoolcraft for our regroup after my ODWU I would say he seemed optimistic.  There were no red flags from all of the tests that we had ran that day.  He wanted to put me on their "poor responder" protocol which is really similar to what I've done in the past but instead of suppressing me with birth control and three weeks of lupron injections CCRM has seen better results by priming patients like me with estrogen.  I was/am excited to see what this change could bring for us.  Obviously my hope is more mature eggs and better quality embryos.  Due to my old clinic's crappy genetic testing we know that we CAN produce genetically normal embryos.  But I've always struggled getting my embryos to the day 5 blast stage.  The whole reason for coming to CCRM was the hope that their amazing lab could help with this.

When I say I'm questioning our route it's not going to CCRM.  I still believe that's the right place for us.  If we are going to do this it needs to be with the very best.  However during that regroup with Dr. Schoolcraft I brought up their Family Building Plan.  He agreed with me that it would be a good option for us.  However being completely OOP with NO insurance coverage it's a very expensive option.  About $45,000 expensive not including meds (which without any insurance will run around $6K for each cycle) and travel expenses.  Ouch.  We have a huge chunk of money saved but we are short of that amount.  My amazing parents have offered to make up the difference for us which we are so incredibly thankful for.  But I'm really struggling with what happens if we do this and drain all of our savings, tap my parents for money, and it doesn't work.  Maybe we don't get any normal embryos or maybe we do and we transfer them all and despite the fact that none of the tests are indicating there's something wrong with my ability to carry there really is.  And we need to go the surrogate route.  We are open to donor eggs and to surrogacy if that's what it will take to get our family.  However we have no way to afford either of those options after a FBP cycle at CCRM.

I had a long talk with my dad about the situation last night and he gave me some great advice.  He said let's just focus on the next step and if it doesn't work we'll deal with that at that time together.  It's great advice and probably what we need to do but I can't seem to stop worrying about the what if's.  I want to be positive and hopeful but I feel I also NEED to be realistic .  And after all these failures there's a good chance that we won't be successful this time.  I've been wondering if maybe we just do one cycle at CCRM and if that would be enough to give us direction?  But if we complete one cycle and we don't get any normals will I always wonder what if we had completed the FBP?  Or if we do get normals but only one or two and the transfer results in a BFN or another miscarriage will that really confirm we need a surrogate?   We all know having genetically normal embryos GREATLY increases the chance of success but it's still not 100%.

I know that no one can make these decisions but me and D.  It's just so overwhelming when it's the most important thing you will ever do.  CCRM girls I'd love to hear your thoughts on how you decided your path there and what was right for you.

Starting Over

We got the results from the Repeated Pregnancy Loss panel back and everything was normal.  On Wednesday we will see where my HCG level is at now.  Once it returns to below 5 and I get a period we can start our cycle at CCRM.  My protocol there is an estrogen priming one.  So after my period starts I'll test for ovulation and once I get a positive ovulation test I'll start my estrogen patches.  Then we add in three days of Ganerleix injections and then I should get another period and we start stims right away.  It will go fast once I get that initial period - I just have no idea how long that will take.

Emotionally I'm doing okay and I feel ready to move forward.  While the pain and grief are still there I don't feel like it's consuming me anymore.  This morning I woke up feeling.....determined might be a good word.  This has been a hard road for us with a lot of unanswered questions.  But we both agree there's nothing more important to us than building a family.  And until we cycle at CCRM I don't think we can truly know what our best option is.  There's a lot of ways our cycle(s) with them can go.  Obviously my hope is their world class lab can help us get some high quality normal blasts to transfer.  If my gut is right and the root of our struggles is my shitty egg quality then that should be our solution.  However I know just because an embryo has tested normal does not guarantee success.  We may transfer a normal embryo and still not find success.  I could miscarry again.  Or it could just be a BFN.  At that point I think we start to think seriously about a Gestational Carrier.  We might not even get any normal blasts.  Which at that point we will start to look into donor eggs.  In some ways though we've been through three fresh cycles, and a total of five transfers (plus our naturally pregnancy) it feels like we are starting from scratch.  Which I guess in a way we are with CCRM.  And even though we've suffered nothing but disappointment after disappointment I am hopeful.  I'm hopeful that their protocol which does not include suppression will be helpful for a "poor responder" like me.  I'm hopeful that their amazing lab will yield better quality embryos from my crappy eggs. And as I mentioned before I'm no longer naive enough to think that a year from now this nightmare will be over, I am confident that we will know more than we do now.  That our path to our family will be more defined and within our reach.  That there will be light at the end of this dark, long tunnel.

One Week

It's been one week since the world came crashing down.  Funny I think I've written something like this before here.  I'm constantly surprised by the things the human soul can endure.  On a brighter note I'm also surprised by the compassion and love that people can show.  It has NOT been an easy week.  However my family and friends rallied, as they always do.  My best friend showed up at my house the day after even though I told her not to.  She brought food, and diet Coke, and wine, and beer for D, and Ben and Jerry's ice cream, and season six (the BEST season) of Friends.  She did my dirty dishes.  Is there a better definition of a best friend?  Our families continued to reach out to us even when we weren't responding to their phone calls and texts.  They consistently showered us with love and concern.  I heard from so many of our sisters in this community.  My dear friend Jane, who has a brand new baby at home, fielded my endless questions regarding the actual miscarriage and what happens next.  My rock, my sweet Amanda checked in with me every day and sent me a wonderful care package.  I got emails from bloggers who have been following me but have never commented before.  No, it was not an easy week.  But despite it, I still feel blessed and thankful.

After we received the news Tues morning that there was no heartbeat I did not take my daily doses of progesterone and I actually started spotting Tuesday night.  I had regular period bleeding all week.  I became convinced that maybe the miscarriage would just be this steady bleeding.  I was wrong.  Friday early evening I started getting some bad cramps.  The bleeding got heavy.  To the point that I really couldn't leave the toilet.  In reality it actually happened pretty fast.  Less than 2 hours from start to finish.  I don't want to get super graphic with you guys but if someone is reading this and going through the same thing I also want to give them some sort of a heads up.  I finally passed the baby and it was not just some tissue or a clot like clump (though I had some of those as well).  It was very clearly a sac with something inside.  There were basically two cords attached to the sac.  I think one was where it was attached to my uterus and the other was the cord going to the yolk sac or placenta.  In total it was all about the size of the palm of my hand. There was one large chunk of tissue before that and another after.  I was NOT prepared for any of this as the baby was measuring 7 weeks and I had read if you miscarried before 8 weeks it could just be similar to a very heavy period.  Obviously that was not accurate for me.  Even though it was terrible I am glad that it's over.  When I woke up on Saturday morning I felt.....better.  Still, obviously, very very sad.  But relieved that the worst was over and I had survived.

I got my HCG level checked yesterday and it was at 1800.  I'm not sure how I feel about this.  Compared to where it had to have been this is obviously a big decrease.  And I'm hoping now that the actual miscarriage has happened it will decrease quickly.  I do feel confident that there's nothing left that I would need a D&C for or that would keep those levels from decreasing.  After Friday night I'm not sure how there could be anything left.  CCRM sent me orders to get it checked again next Wed.  My nurse there (Cindy for anyone at CCRM) has been absolutely wonderful.  Before we can move forward the level needs to return to below 5 and I need to have a period.  They also ordered a Repeated Pregnancy Loss panel that I got blood drawn for yesterday.  It will take a couple days to get those results.  And honestly I'll be shocked if anything comes back abnormal.  My gut tells me my shitty eggs are the main issue but I'm glad they are running the tests anyway.

If someone could tell me that I need donor eggs or a surrogate to get our baby I'm at the point where I would happily embrace either of those options. And while I'm not ready to give up I do wonder how much more disappointment we can take without breaking.  Unfortunately I don't think we'll truly know if we need to go either of those routes until we cycle at CCRM.  Which really just amounts to a lot more time and money.  Due to the prior mentioned shitty eggs the plan at CCRM is their egg banking "Family Building Plan".  Which is three retrievals (approx. 8 weeks between retrievals) where they freeze the embryos at the 2PN stage.  After the third retrieval they grow all of the embryos out to day 5 and then providing you still have some left, they do their CSS genetic testing.  It's a couple weeks to get those results and then IF you have normals you can start prepping for a transfer.  The entire process takes anywhere from 6 - 9 months depending on your protocol, potential set backs (cyst, delayed periods, etc).  For the last 2 + years after every disappointment I've comforted myself that if I could just fast forward a year form now this will all be over.  At this point in time I'm pretty confident that a year from now this will not be behind us.  And that, my friends, is a very depressing thought.

So more of the same here - waiting.   D is now completely freaked out about us getting pregnant naturally.  He is 100% against that and feels we need to be very cautious.  I'm not sure how I feel about that.  No I do not want to go through this again AT ALL.  But I also have a hard time stomaching purposely preventing pregnancy.  I'm just not sure what the right answer is here.  Which seems to be a common theme in my life right now.  Thank you to all of you for your concern and your kind words.  You were all the light in the darkest of times this past week.

The morning after

I thought I'd wake up feeling better this morning. It's not everyday that you can save you survived your worst day, your hardest experience. It's a new morning, a fresh start. But yet I still feel the same. Heartbroken, disappointed, angry, confused, and scared. Part of me just can not believe this is happening and part of me feels like of course it is. Why did I think this time would be any different?  It's harder and harder to ignore that maybe this just isn't meant to be. All I've ever wanted since I was a little girl was to be a mom. And as my life unfolded NOT according to my careful plans I worried about not being able to have kids before I even knew there was a problem. It was always my biggest fear because it's the one thing I wanted most. And yes I understand you don't always get what you want but I know, deep down inside I KNOW, this is something I will be good at. No that's not true. I'm good at a lot of things - my job, sports, being a good friend. I know that I would be a great mom. It would be the best thing I ever did. But it just doesn't seem like it's in the cards for us. I'm not sure just how much more heartache we can take. And yet how do you let go of your life's dream. I know I have friends who are thinking enough is enough. Maybe they are right. Maybe it's time to just admit it's not meant to be. To find a new dream. Once again my plans are not working out.  And even though I can not begin to even fathom a life without children maybe God is telling me it's time to start. I can't possibly understand the reasons for all that we've been through. If infertility was God's way to prepare me to be the very best parent, one that will never take one moment for granted, mission accomplished God. That mission was accomplished years ago. But here we sit still in the same place. Our life still on hold, our future unknown and the looming disappointment and heartbreak weighs so heavy on me I feel like i will drown. If this is some sort of test I've obviously failed. It seems failing is all I'm capable of lately. And I'm so very tired of it. Tired of it all. 

Over

There was no heart beat today. 

Believing the Unbelievable

I've been thinking about writing this post for over 3 weeks now.  Actually if I'm being honest I've been dreaming of writing this update for over 2  years.  But let me start at the beginning.

At my last update we were just starting our calendar for our first CCRM cycle.  After we induced my period with progesterone I was testing for ovulation so we'd know when I could start the estrogen patches for priming.  I started testing on cycle day 9.  The nurse instructed me to test in the morning with second or third morning urine.  I splurged and bought the expensive clear blue easy ovulation tests with the smiley faces.  I've used those before and felt they were much clearer than struggling with the lines on the other tests.  So cycle day 9 nothing, cycle day 10 nothing, cycle day 11 nothing.  Not even the blinking smiley face that leads up to the solid one that indicates ovulation.  Just for kicks I decided to test again on day 11 in the afternoon.  And I got a solid smiley face.  WTH?  How could I go from nothing to ovulating in less than a few hours?  I called CCRM and they basically said to continue testing the next couple days (through the weekend) and to call them back on Monday.  I continued to test but never got another positive reading.  On Monday they sent orders for me to get an u/s to check and see if I had ovulated.  So I went in on June 15th for that ultrasound and it showed that I had, indeed, ovulated.  So YEAH!  I started the estrogen patches and then on cycle day 25 started the ganarelix injections which I took for three days.  I was scheduled to start my period on June 28th.  Of course that didn't happen.  I was in complete panic mode about how that would affect things.  I called my nurse at CCRM right away on Monday morning and she said we could make some adjustments if it starts within a few days.  Then miraculously it started the very next afternoon!  I was so relieved.  I called my nurse right away and we scheduled the suppression check ultrasound for Wed. of that week.  If we were clear of cysts we'd start STIM drugs on Friday and I'd be on a plane to Colorado on Monday morning!  I was still in shock and could not believe this was finally happening!

I went in on Wednesday for the suppression check.  I told the ultrasound tech that I had started my period on Monday afternoon but it had been very light.  I had my orders from CCRM and was so nervous as I've had a cyst before that delayed my cycle.  The ultrasound took FOREVER and once she was finally done she told me to sit tight that the doctor may or may not want to see me.  My heart immediately dropped.   I was certain something was wrong as I never see the doctor during monitoring appointments.  So after a few minutes the u/s tech came back in and told me to get dressed and then she'd take me to a waiting room and the doctor would come talk to me.  By this point I was starting to really freak out.  Did they find something terrible like a big ol' cancerous tumor??  Did my ovaries get eaten by all of the drugs I've taken the last two years and disappear??  I was regretting not having D come with me to the appointment.  I was so freaked out I called him and told him something was wrong.  Right as I was losing it to him on the phone the doctor walked in.  I will never forgot her words as long as I live.  "I have some surprising news - you're pregnant".  I immediately told her that I can't get pregnant that's why I'm there.  She then filled me in on the fact that they had seen a gestational sac in the ultrasound and that it was early but I was indeed pregnant.  I just sat there staring at her in complete shock.  She said that I could go to the lab to get the bloodwork done that CCRM had ordered for me (e2 and progesterone level check) and that they were adding a HCG test to that as well.  At some point I started crying and she said she'd give me a few minutes to pull myself together.  The walk to the lab was a complete blur.  All I could think of is that the ultrasound had to be wrong and the HCG test would prove that.  I gave a high level explanation of what was happening to the girl drawing my blood and she told me that we'd have the results in an hour.  So I left and literally went and sat in my car.  I didn't want to call D back because I didn't know what to say!  So I text him and just told him all was fine.  He totally bought that because I may have a tendency to over react on a regular basis.  As I was sitting there trying to figure out what to do with myself (because obviously there was no WAY I could go back to work) I got a text from my sweet friend Amanda just checking in on me.  Her timing could not have been more perfect.  I completely unloaded on her and even though she had to be in complete shock as well she totally talked me through it.  I called back in an hour and got my HCG level.  They told me it was 4200.  Once again - WHAT?  That was WAY too high.  I asked if they didn't mean 420 and they said no it was definitely 4200.  After a quick consult with Dr. Google we discovered that number was in line with being around 5.5 weeks pregnant and since I had started my period on June 1st and it was currently July 1st we thought I was somewhere around 4.5 weeks.  I called CCRM and gave them the news.  After they received all of the information from my doctor's office here my amazing nurse Cindy (does anyone else have her?!  If you EVER end up at CCRM and are a patient of Dr. Schoolcraft requrest this woman!  She is an angel sent from heaven specifically for all of us infertiles).  Cindy was completely ecstatic for me while also managing to be cautious.  She told me her initial thoughts were that with a HCG level that high they should have seen more than just a gestational sac.  She felt as if a fetal pole and yolk sac should have been present.  CCRM's protocol was to wait a week and have another ultrasound done.  After I got off the phone with her I went and bought a pregnancy test.  I had to see it with my own eyes.  I got one of the digital ones that says pregnant and then tells you in weeks how far along you are.  I knew taking it in the middle of the day vs. first morning would probably affect the results but I just had to see.  Sure enough it came up pregnant and said 2-3 weeks (which is from conception, not from your last period). Even after all of this I was still in denial.  I was finally starting to believe I was actually pregnant but I also knew that there was a disconnect between the HCG level and the ultrasound.  I finally went home to wait for D.  When he walked in the house I told him that I figured out why I had been feeling so awful the last week or so (I had been SO moody, emotional, and three mornings in a row was so nauseous I couldn't even eat breakfast - I had chalked it up to the estrogen patches).  I showed him the test and he just looked at it blankly.  He finally said "I don't get it".  When I told him I was pregnant it was with my usual "cautiously optimistic" attitude.  Yes I was pregnant but this was still me.  And of course it couldn't be cut and dry.  I explained everything that happened and told him that basically all we could do is wait for the ultrasound to see if things were progressing.  Neither one of us smiled or laughed.  We didn't celebrate.  We were both crippled with fear.  This was everything we've been wanting, dreaming of, right in front of us.  Could we really be this lucky?  It just didn't seem likely.

So the next morning when I got to work I decided to call my OBGYN to inform her of what was going on (I was being monitored for CCRM at the local hospital since it's right next door to my work and super convenient).  Once I filled in the receptionist she said that she would let my doctor know and someone would call me back.  I guess I should also mention that my OBGYN is A-MAZING.  She has an IVF baby herself and she completely "gets" it.  She called me back HERSELF in just a little over an hour and said why don't I come in tomorrow morning.  So I made an appointment for Friday morning.  When she walked in the exam room she happily hugged and congratulated me.  I immediately corrected her and explained that the HCG numbers and the ultrasound weren't adding up.  She quickly dismissed my concerns and told me that she had a patient with an HCG level of 16,000 and they couldn't see anything in the ultrasound.  She said that every person and every pregnancy is different.  Then she asked if it would provide some comfort if we did another ultrasound on Monday.  After I burst into tears I finally told her that would be amazing.  So she had them draw some blood and then told me to come back on Monday and we'd draw again and do the sono.  For whatever reason surviving the weekend knowing we'd have an answer first thing Monday morning was WAY easier than waiting until Thursday like CCRM ordered me to do.  The weekend passed in a blur of nerves and fears and Monday came quicker than I thought was possible.  As D and I sat in the waiting room I was literally shaking.  We had talked it to death and were prepared for any outcome.  We had chosen to look at this as a "bonus" opportunity and were taking it as a good sign.  I got pregnant.  On my own.  If this worked than we were one of the lucky ones.  If not, then we'd continue to move forward with our CCRM plan.  We saved the money, we knew our odds, and if this didn't work out it changed nothing.  When they called us back to the sono room I thought we both were going to throw up before we made it.  The tech introduced herself and started to explain that being only 5 weeks along we most likely wouldn't be able to see much.  I quickly filled her in on the situation and watched as her expression turned serious.  I found myself reassuring her that we were prepared either way and just ready for some answers.  Once we got started she turned the screen and with a very relieved voice quickly pointed out the baby to us.  She did some quick measurements and the baby was measuring right at 6 weeks on the dot.  6 weeks!!  WHAT the WHAT?  Then she got super excited and said that she could even see the tiny flickering of the baby's heart.  I was still recovering from the 6 week shock and evidently was squeezing D's hand so hard he had to tap me on the shoulder so I'd release some pressure.  When I turned and looked at him I saw the biggest smile EVER on his face.  The tech kept asking us if we saw the heart beat.  We both said yes even though we confided in each other that neither of us could really see it.  All that mattered was that SHE saw it!  I got dressed and my OB was waiting outside the door for me with a huge hug.  She took me back to an exam room and we had our first official appointment.  Since I was a new OB patient for her she said she wanted me to come back in 1-2 weeks for another appointment.  I asked if we'd do another sono and she said we could if that would ease my anxiety.  Seriously I would have kissed this woman if she would have come close enough!  So I made the appointment for the middle of the following week knowing there was no way I'd make it two weeks but trying to make it longer than one.  We were on cloud nine for the rest of Monday and actually most of Tues.  By Wednesday the fear had set back in and on Thurs. afternoon I was having some cramping.  I left work a little early and went home and took a nap and it seemed to improve.  Friday I decided to work from home and the cramping started up first thing in the morning.  Around lunchtime I finally broke down and called the doctor's office.  I know some mild cramping is normal but this was definitely more than mild.  The nurse at my doctor's office said she was delivering a baby and they don't have a sono tech on Fridays anyway.  She instructed me to drink a lot of water, stay in bed, and if they became severe to go to the ER.  We contemplated going several times but when push came to shove I knew there was nothing they could do to STOP it if I was miscarrying so I chose just to stay in bed and take it easy.  By Friday night the cramps had definitely gotten better.  Saturday I just had a couple of small episodes.  Sunday and Monday I felt GREAT.  Which only worried me more.  Monday afternoon I called my doctor's office to see if they could move my Wed. appointment up to Tues morning.  They shifted some things around and were able to get me in at 10am on Tues. Sitting in the waiting room that morning felt the same but also different than the week before.  Before we were both still in shock and denial I think.  After seeing the baby and being told it's heart was beating we were far more invested than the week before.  We were both too nervous to even speak in the waiting room.  We just sat there clutching hands.  They called  us back and I felt like I was on an episode of Groundhog Day when I told the cheerful tech that I had some significant cramping last week and we were very worried.  However this time as soon as the wand was inserted and the baby came into focus you  could CLEARLY see it's tiny heartbeat going so fast.  Huge sigh of relief and some tears on my part.  The baby's heartbeat was 129 which they said was great.  At 7 weeks it's typically supposed to be between 90-110 and at 8 weeks between 120 and 160.  We were 7 weeks 1 day at that point.  She was trying to get some measurements but the way the baby was situated in the sac was really hard.  The measurements came in at 6 weeks 5 days so behind schedule.  The tech nor the doctor were concerned since the heart beat was strong and the baby wasn't really cooperating.  So more celebrations in the office (seriously can I just move in there for the duration of this?).  We went over all of the first trimester screening options and she said to come back at 10 weeks and we'd do the blood work for that.  D just flat out said "She's not going to make it until then".  My wonderful, caring, amazing doctor just laughed and said how about you come back in two weeks and we'll do another ultrasound.  Seriously I may leave D for this woman.  I'm not sure I've ever loved another human this much.  So...here we are.  They are telling me I am 8 weeks 2 days pregnant.  There's still a huge part of me that can NOT believe this is happening.  Obviously I'm still terrified.  I have at least one major breakdown per day.  But I also have fleeting moments of hope and happiness.  This is further than we've ever gotten before.  Three retrievals, five transfers of 8 total embryos.  One chemical and one miscarriage.  During that pregnancy my beta started SO low (12, 59, then 177).  At the 7 week ultrasound there was nothing there.  I most likely miscarried soon after the third beta. But here we are.  We are THAT couple.  The one that conceives on their own after YEARS of treatment and trying.  It seems completely impossible.  This is the kind of stuff that happens to everyone BUT me.  And while I'm hopeful, I really truly am, I still can't force myself to let my guard down.  We all know what it feels like to know too much, to want this SO bad.  And honestly the only ending I"m familiar with is the bad ones.  I know how to keep trying.  I know how to prep myself physically and emotionally for the drugs, the side effects, the stress.  What I don't know is how to be pregnant.  It's something I'm praying I can learn.

*~*~*~*DISCLOSURE - If you know me in real life we are obviously not ready to tell ANYONE this news yet so we ask that you please keep it to yourself ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Just Keep Swimming

Hi remember Me?  I feel like those of you who follow me will see this come up in your news feed and be like "Who's that girl?!".  And I totally wouldn't blame you.  I have unintentionally taken a hiatus from blogging.  No big reason.  Well...maybe that's not 100% true.  I guess I can admit that I've felt a little left behind lately.  That on top of the fact that there really hasn't been much to say led to the hiatus.  I mean how many times can I whine about the waiting and how bad all of this sucks.  You guys all know.  You get it.  However I finally spent some time catching up on all of your blogs and even though I am still feeling a little left behind I'm also feeling so much hope and happiness for those of you who have found success.  I mean there has been some crazy awesome stuff happening to some pretty special ladies.  Most of whom fought this battle longer than I have.  So...renewed hope combined with a little bit of progress in my world = news worthy of a blog post!

So this CCRM thing...... it's really happening.  My last cycle was ridiculous.  Something like 52 days and I only got my period because we induced it.  I have no idea what's going on with my body other than it's been on a lot of hormones for 2+ years and is basically just jacked up.  As a quick recap I had my ODWU with CCRM in April.  This appointment has be between when you stopped bleeding but before ovulation.  I proactively brought my day 3 blood work with me because the AWESOME facebook group I joined online gave me the heads up that I could save myself a month if I brought it with.  However the results were inconclusive  So after my appt. in Colorado I still needed to wait until I started my period again to have the blood work re-done before we could get our protocol.  Once again with the thought of saving time in the future I scheduled my beta 3 integrin test for the month of April (it has to be done between 9-11 days after ovulation).  Those results came back inconclusive as well.  Actually it came back "out of phase" which means even though I got a positive result on the ovulation stick my uterine tissue was saying that it wasn't the right time.  Super.  Frustrating.  Then I waited forever for my period which never came and we induced it with progesterone and I think they just felt sorry for me and finally agreed to just give me my calendar.  So we were able to schedule our regroup with Dr. Schoolcraft and he was......fine.  Honestly I know everyone says he can be kind of a jerk but my experience with him so far as been good.  He doesn't volunteer a bunch of additional information but he answers all my questions and I never feel rushed.  He basically said that there were no red flags from our ODWU.  My hysteroscopy and uterus looked "great" and the partially blocked tube isn't a issue since fluid isn't flowing back into my uterus.  He was optimistic about my AFC (16) and felt like based upon my past response he wanted to put me on protocol 3.  For you non-CCRMer's that is what they like to call their "poor responder" protocol.  It's not much different from what I did at my local clinic with the exception of there will be no BCP or Lupron for suppression.  Instead I'll be using estrogen patches to "prime" and we'll begin stims right after my period starts.  I feel like this protocol moves FAST since I'm used to the long lupron cycles.  So I'll start the patches on Wed. along with Cetrotide injections on Thurs.  I should start my period on Sunday and then have an u/s and blood work on the 1st and if every thing is good begin stim meds on the 2nd.  We'll travel to Colorado the next week and be monitored every day and then depending on how it goes we should be ready for retrieval that weekend or the beginning of the following week.

I think for us the biggest decision at CCRM is deciding if we are going to do the Family Building Program which is their embryo banking.  Dr. Schoolcraft didn't bring it up in our regroup but I asked him about it and he said based on my previous cycles he felt like that was a good idea.  How it works is it's 3 retrievals in a row (well it's about 8 weeks in between with waiting on your period and priming).  They retrieve your eggs and fertilize them and freeze them at the 2PN stage.  Then after your third retrieval they thaw everything and let them all grow to Day 5.  At that point they do the CCS genetic testing on the embryos that have made it to blast and freeze everything again.  It takes a couple weeks to get the results and then you can start prepping for a FET providing that you have "normal" embryos to transfer.  I've heard the entire process takes anywhere from 6 - 9 months.  Ouch.  So basically we are looking at not being able to transfer until 2016.  Once again....Ouch.  You guys all know how brutal the waiting is.  However based upon my research and conversations with others I was expecting this.  So while I wasn't completely devastated by the news it's still a hard pill to swallow.
As of right now I think we've decided that is our plan.  The hope being we'll suck it up and do this and this will be the last time we'll ever have to do retrievals.  We are praying that we get enough normals to at least get one take home baby....possibly even two.  And then it's all worth it right?

I'd be lying if I said I'm not secretly hoping for great numbers and the possibility that we could only have to do 2 retrievals vs. the 3.  If we could get results similar to my last cycle at my local clinic I think we'd definitely be in that boat.  But I'm also super nervous about how I"m going to respond to this new protocol, not to mention that I haven't done a retrieval in 9 months.  What if my body has forgotten how to make eggs?!  There's all sorts of fears that come along with trying something new but I just have to keep reminding myself of all the reasons we chose to come to CCRM in the first place.

One day at a time.  One foot in front of the other.  Just.  Keep.  Swimming.