Giving Thanks

Wow what a week.  Some are just harder than others and last week was definitely one of those for me for several reason.  First off you all know my amazing friend Amanda.  Stop over and send her some love or say a quick prayer for her and Sam.  It breaks me that her beautiful, amazing heart is broken right now.  I wish there was a way for me to shoulder some of her pain.  But since there's not I ask you to keep them in your prayers and I'll be praying she feels comforted with all of the love we are sending her way.  She is at the top of my list of things I'm thankful for as I'm not sure I could make it down this rocky road without her.

Next on my list is the rest of you beautiful women.  Thanks to everyone who shot me an email, message, or comment to let me know that I'm not the only one who struggles with these fears.  It helps so much to know that I'm not alone.  And it's easy to get overwhelmed in the middle of the night when everything seems so.....well, overwhelming.  D doesn't follow my blog.  He feels like this is my place to air my feelings, vent and basically release.  I often read him your posts and some of mine if I think he'd enjoy it or if it helps to communicate something specific that I'm struggling with.  We talked about my post and of course he said exactly what I needed to hear.  He told me that he loves me for the person that I am and that nothing will change that.  He told me he'd pick me again, every time, even knowing that we'd have to fight this battle.  Most importantly he said that no matter what lengths we have to go to, or the cost, we WILL be parents someday.  God, I love this man 1000 times over.  Thank you Lord for bringing him to me.

Lastly I'm thankful for some good news on this Monday morning.  I had blood work this morning to see how my estrogen level was doing and to re-check my thyroid since I started on the medicine.  My TSH came in at 1.62 today!  (Remember my research showed between 1-2 is the ideal level).  So that is really great news.  They bumped my E2V dosage just a tiny bit and I'll do another injection of that tomorrow.  Then we'll re-check everything again on Friday and make adjustments for that evening injection.  We are on track for transfer next week.  Next week people!!  EEKKK!

Also based on all of your feedback and suggestions from this post I've added L-Arginine, Zinc, and the Omega 3 Fish Oil pills to my daily list.  The clinic has me on a baby aspirin, dexamethasone, the thyroid med, and my prescription prenatal.  I'm still doing the Lupron injections in the morning as well to keep me suppressed.  I've been doing pretty well with the clean eating (okay I had Coldstone Creamery on Sunday....it was a weak moment), and of course no alcohol or caffeine (decaf coffee is for the birds!) and I've been working out 5-6 days a week.

Overall I'm feeling pretty good! While on one hand I am SO ready for this transfer, on the other I'm really struggling with the concept of surviving the 2ww.  We all know how terrible it is and this just feels.....bigger for some reason.  I guess just because there's so much on the line.  If this doesn't work yes we are heading to CCRM but starting from scratch there it will be a long time before we are in a position to cycle again.  I'm so blessed that thanks to us saving our butts off and an amazing bonus check from my work we are in a position financially to move forward right away.  Add that onto my list of things I'm thankful for as well!  So, for now, I'm going to NOT think about CCRM.  I'm going to focus on this transfer in front of us, our two beautiful frozen embryos, and the fact that we know we've done everything in our power to make this a success.

Day 3

I just called the clinic to check on our embabies.  The day has gone so slow and I've felt sick to my stomach for the last hour.  But the news we got is good!  Of the 14 embryos 12 were still dividing today.  One of those was a grade 3 and very fragmented so they don't think that one will make it to Day 5.  But they biopsied the remaining 11 for the genetic testing.  We are still on for a 1pm transfer on Thurs. and they will give us the results of the CGH tests then.

I am thrilled that we still have 11 viable embryos on Day 3.  That's way more than we had in our first two cycles combined which is crazy to me!  I know the genetic test are going to make or break us here but I'm feeling really good about things.  For each milestone I had a number in my head.  For retrieval it was 12 eggs....we got 21.  I was hoping 12 of those 21 would be mature eggs - 16 of them were.  For the fertilization report I was hoping for 10 embryos - we got 14.  Today I had the number 8 in my head and we well surpassed that.  Once again the "too good to be true" is creeping in  my head but I'm doing my best to block it out.  This news just gives us another reason to celebrate and believe that this cycle could be IT for us.  I'm praying day and night that's true and one of these beautiful embryos becomes the baby we've been dreaming about.

Miracles

I believe in miracles. I read about them every day in this community. Donors that volunteer their gifts of eggs for no fees, adoptions that come together at precisely the right moment, pregnancies that occur after a doctor has said there's no hope. This weekend I've experienced what I hope is the start of my own miracle. On Saturday morning I went in for my 3rd IVF egg retrieval. As a refresher my first cycle I got 8 eggs, 5 mature, 1fertilized correctly. For my second cycle we got 12 eggs, 10 were mature, 8 fertilized correctly. We transferred 3 (one of which was very poor quality). One implanted but there was no heartbeat at 7 weeks. One made it to 5 day to freeze which we transferred in a FET that was a BFN. Which bring me to now. This cycle we retrieved 21 eggs. Out of them 16 were mature. After 24 hours 14 of those have fertilized correctly and continue to grow. 14. 

I am a complete mess of emotions right now. Obviously I'm thrilled with this number. I'm currently crying tears of gratitude that I can't seem to shut off. I'm so very thankful for each and every one of those 21 eggs that turned into 14 embryos. We'll let our babies keep growing until Tuesday (day 3). At that time they will biopsy 1 cell from the embryos that are still thriving to send away for genetic testing. I'm tentatively scheduled for a 1pm transfer on Thursday (day 5). It will be down to the last min before we get the results of the genetic tests.  

I know there's two ways to look at this situation. The first is to embrace my joy, be thankful and happy and believe that this IS going to work this time. However I wouldn't be honest if I didn't admit there's a part of me thinking this is too good to be true. That even though these number are higher than I ever dreamed my body was possible of producing, when push comes to shove we know my egg quality is crappy. I worry about how many we'll lose between now and Tues. Between Tuesday and Thursday. And then even IF we have a genetically normal embryo to transfer there's still a very long road ahead of us. One we've already been down that ended in heartbreak. 

That being said it's my CHOICE to focus on the positive. To give thanks, be hopeful, and trust in God and his plan for us. 14 beautiful embryos.  Let the miracle begin. 

A Reason to Celebrate

Happy almost 4th of July!  This is my most favorite holiday and I'm so looking forward to the long weekend.  We are planning on spending it boating on our lake enjoying the water, sunshine, and good friends.  There's also a little thing called my birthday occurring but we are ignoring that this year to hopefully get through the weekend without any breakdowns on my part.

But the future is looking a little bit brighter than it was a week ago.  On Tuesday I miraculously started my period!  Then on Wednesday we had our WTF appointment with Dr. H.  I was relieved that the options he layed out were what I expected.  (As a recap I thought he would suggest another fresh cycle with genetic testing or donor eggs).  His recommended path was to try again with my own eggs.  He said that since we had a "success" (it sure doesn't feel like a success since it ended in miscarriage and we have no baby) that proves that I am capable of producing healthy embryos and no implantation issues.  He feels like it's worth it to try another cycle with my eggs and we agree.  We are going to test my AMH level (evidently they didn't do that a year ago when they did my day 3 blood work?!?) and that will let us know if we stick with the L8 protocol that we did last time or bump up to the L10.  I'm VERY anxious to see what that number is since it's a good indicator of your egg quality.  Since we already know my FSH is slightly elevated (10.6) the addition of this number will give us a better understanding of my fertility as a whole.  I'm just praying it's not really, really low as in there's no chance for you.  Dr. H. doesn't think it will be since I was able to become pregnant once.  

So overall I'm feeling pretty good.  Unless the AMH test comes back with terrible results and we need to reevaluate we are on path for Aug. cycle.  I'm trying not to focus on all of the unknowns and things I have no control over (i.e. - how many mature eggs we'll get, how many embryos will form, what the genetic results will be, etc. etc.).  Obviously it will be disappointing if we get through retrieval and do the genetic tests only to discover we have no "normal" embryos and nothing to transfer.  But I'd rather know at that point than suffer through the 2ww.  How my clinic does the CGH testing is they take 1 cell from each day 3 embryo.  Then it's shipped off for the testing and we'll have the results on Day 5 so we can do a Day 5 transfer if we have any normal embryos.  I'm going to pray really hard that we get as many eggs as we did last time if not more.  

So...for now it's back on birth control and back to the waiting room.  We've got lots of fun stuff happening this summer so I'm going to do my best to enjoy it and just focus on getting my body and mind ready to give this another try.  This battle has taken it's toll on us, but we aren't done fighting yet.  I know in the end it will be worth every tear, every shot, all the pain and all the waiting.  

Frosty

It feels funny to even write about being in cycle.  I'm not really sure why but so far this FET cycle has been pretty low key.  I've been on Lupron for suppression for 2 weeks now.  The shots are annoying (the tummy bruising more so) but I don't have too many side effects from them.  I've been taking my dexamethasone and prenatal vitamins as well.  I did my first IM delestrogen shot on Tues. night.  We are progressing slowly but surely.  

On Monday I go in for an endometrial scratch?  Has anyone had this done before?  It's supposed to help with implantation so I'm all for it if it works but it sounds painful.  But at this point really I'll do anything.  While I'm definitely hopeful that this cycle works I'm also trying to stay very level headed about it.  Our 1 little embryo, "Frosty", is all we have left for this try.  Honestly I don't even know any details about his grade or rating.  I know he made it to blast on day 5 and was frozen.  I am hoping and praying that he survives the thaw so we actually have something to transfer.  There's a part of me that thinks that he's made it this far maybe he really is the one.  We've never transferred a five day blast, only day 3 embryos.  But another part of me knows we transferred three last time and still have no baby, so it's hard to feel super hopeful for one. 

I'm not sure if my low key attitude is a good thing or no.  But I'm sure it's a good thing that I'm not super stressed and over-thinking everything.  So I'm going to try and remain positive and put my faith and trust in God and his plan for us.  I pray that his plan is for Frosty to be our take home baby. 

In other news we are enjoying summer and our time on our boat on the lake.  The three day weekend was great, with the exception of getting caught in some rain storms on Monday afternoon.  It's felt wonderful to get outside and run again and I'm finally back to my "normal" mile times.  I feel like my body is in a healthy place as I've finally lost the weight I put on with my first 2 IVF cycles.  So overall I'm feeling pretty good!  Now if I can just get pregnant and STAY pregnant life would be pretty perfect (don't we all feel that!).

Here's some pictures of our weekend on the lake!  Our dog Chloe thinks she's the captain of the boat :) 

Refreshed

It's amazing what a few days away from the every day struggles will do.  My husband and I just returned from an impromptu long weekend in Mexico to celebrate our anniversary (which landed on Easter Sunday this year).  We booked the trip last minute through our travel agent, who's a family friend, and got a great deal.  I felt a little guilty about spending the money when we've got medical bills piling up and still no baby.  But when push comes to shove I knew it was needed.  We needed the time to reconnect.  I needed the time to get away both physically and mentally from everything we are going through.  Since the miscarriage I've been stuck in a very ugly place.  It had gotten to the point where I barely recognized myself and I definitely didn't like what I saw when I looked in the mirror.  I'm happy to report that this morning the person I saw was someone I knew.  Our time away was as close to perfect as it can get.  We soaked up the sun and warm weather, drank fruity drinks by the pool, made new friends (that knew nothing about our personal situation), had long intense conversations about every subject under the sun, and lived in the moment with no schedule or timeline.  Mostly importantly we celebrated our anniversary and our relationship.  I know what we have is special but I also know there's days I take it for granted.  I was never one to believe in soul mates, but my thoughts on that have changed since we started down this long road to create a family.  I'm not sure I could do it with anyone other than D.  So we celebrated and as we embark on our next year of marriage I can't help to be hopeful about what it will bring.

With our return to the real world came my appointment to have the cyst drained.  My mom took me to the appointment as D couldn't take another day off of school.  We arrived and they drugged me all up only to find out that the cyst had decreased dramatically in size since the week before.  It was measuring at 55mm on last Tuesday and this Tuesday it was down to 14mm.  It seemed like my body was taking care of the problem on it's own <insert shock and awe that my body was doing something right>.  They are thinking I should start my period in a week or so and that would be plenty of time for us to make it into June cycle.

I'm hoping this is a small sign of the good things that are to come in this next year of marriage and this next cycle.  It's still hard for me to get too excited with only our one little embryo to transfer.  But thanks to our trip away I feel a little bit of my faith, positivity, and hope coming back.  And it's a welcome return.

5 weeks

Well today I am five weeks.  It seems impossible that it's only been a week since we got our positive results. It feels like so much has changed.  While our little one is basically all I can think about I'm still having trouble fully believing.  It's funny how when I see a pregnant woman my initial reaction is still a kick to the gut, a stab in the heart.  It feels.....almost wrong to talk about the pregnancy.  I feel like a fraud.  I went to the dentist this week and had to tell them that I was pregnant so we couldn't do X-rays and I felt like such a fake.  My family is so happy and excited and it's almost as if I'm afraid to talk about it too much like that will make it go away.  I AM trying to focus on the positive and I am so very grateful.  But fear is a hard thing to over come.

Today I wrote this letter because I wanted to embrace the fact that this pregnancy IS real.  That there is a growing being inside of me made of myself and D.   If you aren't in a good place right now and dont' want to read this I completely understand.  I have been there all too recently.  Please, take care of you.



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Hello my love.  Today you are officially 5 weeks old, even though we know you are probably measuring a little behind that mark since you were what they call a “late implanter”.  We first found out that you were growing inside Mommy a week ago.  How our lives have changed!  You gave us quite a scare by coming in with some low Beta numbers, but then the numbers JUMPED for Beta 2 and continued to steadily increase for Beta 3.  The doctor doesn’t think we need to take any more blood tests so now we are (impatiently) waiting for our first sonogram on March 14^th.  Two whole weeks away which feels like forever to Mommy and Daddy.  Do you know that our whole world revolves around you, even though you are basically the size of a sesame seed?!  It sounds crazy I know, but we have prayed so hard for you and we already love you so much.  It’s still a little scary to look too far ahead into the future.  We try to just take things a day at a time and I start each day by praying for your.  I pray that God blesses you and holds you in his hands.  That he makes you strong and helps you continue to grow and develop into a beautiful, healthy baby.  I pray that God gives my body the strength and support that it needs to provide a good home for you.  And I dream.  I can’t help it, but I dream about what it will feel like to finally see your sweet face and hold you in my arms.  To see the look on Daddy’s face when he gets to meet you.  I know he will be so proud and utterly amazed.  I picture you nuzzled on the couch in between us, resting against Chloe.  She will be the best big “sister” anyone could ever ask for.  But it’s a long road until that time, so today I continue to pray.  To keep you in my every thought.  Hang on in there little one.  I know you are so strong to have made it this far.  That’s your Daddy coming out in you.  We are counting the days until we can see you for ourselves on that screen.

1dp3dt

One Day Past Three Day Transfer

Happy Monday!  I'm spending this COLD Midwestern Monday on the couch with my bestie. 

My clinic recommends bed rest for 24 hours so technically mine is done around 10am this morning. But I took the whole day off and just plan on taking it easy. My parents and my best friend are both stopping by to keep me company so hopefully that will help the day go fast and be good distractions. I've spent the majority of my morning on Dr. Google. I know, I know. It's a sick addiction. I've also been going back through all my blogger friends transfer posts to see how many and what grade embryos they transferred. I realize this is counter productive but I can't seem to help myself. It will definitely be good to get back to work and in my routine. 

I also realized I didn't post pictures yesterday. So here are the beautiful pictures of our babies :) 

I know our embryos weren't perfect but they look absolutely perfect to me! I'm completely in love with each of them and  I'm praying so hard for them every day.  Grow babies grow !

Going for the "Gold"

I titled this blog post in the spirit of the Winter Olympics that D is currently obsessed with. I don't think we've watched anything else since they started. I'm secretly looking forward to being home alone tomorrow on modified bedrest and watching hours of HGTV. 

So after the phone call from the clinic this morning we headed in for transfer basically blind. We had no idea how many embryos we had left or their quality. The embryologist came in to see us as soon as we were settled in the room. As soon as she sat down she told us that we were in a much better situation than last time. Out of our 6 that fertilized normally we had 1 3 cell and 1 4 cell. On day 3 they should be between 7-10 cells. So those were more than a day behind and they would let them go to day 6 but felt pretty strongly they wouldn't catch up. Then we had a 12 cell embryo. She explained that this one was pretty "fast" and often times when they are that far ahead they can't "turn off" the dividing. Once again they will continue to monitor it but the odds aren't good. So that left us with 3. We had 2 7 cell embryos and 1 9 cell.  The 9 cell was our best one and had very very little fragmentation. One of the 7 cells also looked good with only a little fragmentation. The other 7 cell was graded a 3 which means it had more than 25% fragmentation which greatly decreases the chances of implantation. Based on this information they recommended we transfer all three. 

Honestly I was shocked at this suggestion. During our consult they made it really clear that it's very rare for them to transfer more than 2. We talked about how the embryos are thought to do better in groups. The embryologist basically explained it that the embryos "talk" to the uterus telling it that they are there so it can respond accordingly. So even if #3 isn't a strong contender it *could* be healthy enough to still "talk" to my uterus and help the other 2. 

D and I took a couple minutes to talk things over but we were on the same page. We understood that the chance of all 3 implanting was very very slim and instead of just letting that 1 die we felt better about using it to help its "siblings". If by some crazy miracle all three implant than we'll cross that bridge when we get there. I trust in Gods plan and am putting my faith in him. 

So all that being said the transfer itself went well. They said the embryos were placed right where they wanted them. So now we wait. My first Beta is scheduled for Feb 19th and my second for the 21st. Obviously this feels like forever. You know the drill. 

I'm trying not to think about the fact that we won't have any embryos to freeze. I'm not even going to let myself go there right now. I'm choosing to think we have none to freeze because this is going to work for us. (Please God). 

So my day on the couch continues. I'm trying to talk D into taking a break from the Olympics and watching a movie.  Is anyone else super confused by some of these events? (We just finished watching the one where they are skiing and then stop and shoot guns?!  What?) 

Thinking sticky thoughts and saying lots of prayers for our babies. To quote my girl Kasey I'm PUPO - Pregnant UNLESS Proven Otherwise. Positivity people :)

Transfer Update

Well the clinic just called and said we are on for transfer today (Day 3). Which means we have less than 5 embryos left. Sigh. I knew statistically that the chances of all 6 making it were slim but you can't help but hope. The nurse didn't have any information on how many embryos remain or their quality. They will tell us that when we get there. So even though I'm feeling terrified and sick to my stomach I'm praying so hard that there are 4 good quality embryos still growing and dividing. I'm trying not to think about (and mourn) the 2 that we lost. I know they weren't meant to be. But they were me and D and it's still feels like a loss. 

So this is when I need to take a minute and pull it together. Give those doubts and fears to God and focus on being positive that this IS our time and WILL work for us. All we need is one and hope is never lost. 

If you have some extra prayers for our embabies please send them our way. I'll update after transfer. Thanks you for your love and support. 

All Your Eggs In One Basket

Someone mentioned the saying "Don't Put All Your Eggs In One Basket" today.  I accidentally snorted out loud.  I don't think any other phrase could better describe what we do with IVF.  I'm definitely feeling today that all my eggs are in 1 basket - that being the lab at my clinic.

We got the fertilization report today.  Out of our 12 eggs, 10 were mature, and 6 have currently fertilized normally.  Compared to the 1 we had left at this point last time that is a huge win.  They have tentatively set us up for a Day 3 transfer which would be Sunday morning.  They will check on the embryos again that morning and if 5 or 6 are still developing as they should be they will push us to Day 5 (Tuesday).  The statistics and odds are against that happening, but I am praying so hard for all 6 of our embryos.  And I'm so grateful for the improved results that we've seen this cycle so far!  I trust that God is watching over our little embabies and have faith that he will take care of them.  I can tell you that my load has been much lighter this cycle by making the conscience effort to turn my worries and fear over to Him.  Every time I start to to feel overwhelmed by all of the bad things that *could* happen I have stopped and given it all to Him.  For that relief alone I am so grateful.

One more milestone down.  Now it's praying praying praying that our babies are growing strong and getting ready for this next step.

Too Much Time To Think

Today is 3dp3dt (3 days past 3 day transfer).  Only.  Three.  Days.  Sigh.  I am basically feeling back to normal.  The bloating is almost gone as is the cramping from the retrieval and transfer.  It makes me nervous to feel "normal" since it's been so long since I've felt that way.  But then I'm sure for the next two weeks everything is going to make me nervous.  Today I hope our sweet little embryo has made it to blast and is hopefully starting to hatch out of it's shell to prepare to implant on days 4-6.  I found this chart online and it helps me to know what *should* be happening each day.  This is perfectly in line with my clinic as they have my 1st Beta set for Dec. 26th which would be 11 days past transfer.  But then I have to wait until Dec. 30th for my 2nd Beta because of the weekend :(   Here's the kicker.  It's my clinic's policy that they don't call you with the 1st Beta results.  I haven't read of anyone that has the same policy.  Logically I know it's because they consider any level of HCG above a 5 pregnant but in order for it to be viable the numbers need to double (or in my case quadruple since it's 4 days in between).  I had originally promised myself I wouldn't test at home.  But now I just can't see how I'll be able to wait that long.  I'd like your thoughts and advice if you have any!

3-Day Transfer

Days Past Transfer (DPT)	Embryo Development
One	The embryo continues to grow and develop, turning from a 6-8 cell embryo into a morula
Two	The cells of the morula continue to divide, developing into a blastocyst
Three	The blastocyst begins to hatch out of its shell
Four	The blastocyst continues to hatch out of its shell and begins to attach itself to the uterus
Five	The blastocyst attaches deeper into the uterine lining, beginning implantation
Six	Implantation continues
Seven	Implantation is complete, cells that will eventually become the placenta and fetus have begun to develop
Eight	Human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG) starts to enter the blood stream
Nine	Fetal development continues and hCG continues to be secreted
Ten	Fetal development continues and hCG continues to be secreted
Eleven	Levels of hCG are now high enough to detect a pregnancy

Transfer Day - PUPO (please God)

Well much to my disbelief we made it through transfer and I am PUPO (that's pregnant until proven otherwise for those non bloggers). I feel like I've been waiting forever to say that :) When we started this cycle I remember thinking how terribly far away the actual transfer was IF we even made it to that point.  I am so grateful to report that our little one hung on and we were able to transfer a 8 cell embryo on Day 3. 

As I mentioned the clinic called the morning of transfer and asked us to come in early. We quickly finished getting ready and hit the road. We were both feeling nervous but excited with D really focusing on being positive. He's so great about that. Once we got there and signed in Jenny called us right back. She put us in the exam room with the fancy u/s machine and told us that Brian, the embryologist, would be in shortly to talk about our embryo. D loves Brian (as him and Dr. H are the only men in this joint) so it was nice to have the conversation with someone we are both comfortable with. Brian came bearing the first great gift of the day- a beautiful picture of our tiny embryo

Brian explained to us that on Day 3 they want to see it divided into 8 cells, which ours was (yeah!). He also explained they use a 3 level grading system based on fragmentation. Grade 1 would be no fragmentation. Grade 2 would be some and grade three lots of fragmentation. Ours was a grade 2 but he said it only had 20% fragmentation so it was on the high side for a 2. He confirmed several times it was a good quality embryo. I asked if he could tell us why the other eggs didn't fertilize. He did not have an explanation for us but did say he was very surprised by it. I decided not to push that issue at this time and just stay focused on our little one. 

So after Brian left (and we signed more consent forms) I striped from the waist down and then my sweet nurse Jo came in to get me ready. I had to drink a liter of water to fill my bladder because that helps to push your uterus down. Jo used an external ultrasound to check and make sure my bladder was full. Then Dr H. came in and using the vaginal u/s placed the catheter that would transport our embryo into my uterus. It was so cool to be able to see everything happening. Then Brian brought in the embryo (having us verbally confirm one last time who we were). Then Dr. H told us to watch the screen and we saw the embryo come out of the catheter to the exact spot he wanted it. I was completely unprepared for how emotional the experience would be. I couldn't help myself and whispered "Hold on tight little one" as I watched it happening. Me, D, and Nurse Jo all lost it at this point. Dr H told us this would be the first of many times we issue a similar prayer :) We waited for a few min to make sure it settled and then they took the catheter back to the lab to verify it was clear and the embryo was out. Dr H. patted my knee and shook D's hand and assured us he'd see us soon.  

We then waited 30 minutes, me snuggled in a warm blanket, with all the staff stopping in to check on us. Then I was able to get up and get dressed and pee. We left with our instructions for the next 12 days - PIO shots nightly, prenatals, steroids, and estrogen/progesterone suppositories starting the following night. Our first beta is scheduled for Dec 26 and our second for the 30th thanks to the weekend.  

I spent all day yesterday on the couch only getting up to pee. D took great care of me. However he needed to go to work today so my mom is coming to stay with me. I took today and tomorrow off work just to be safe since I had the time. 

So now begins the dreaded 2ww. I woke up at 3am this morning and couldn't fall back to sleep. I just prayed so hard that our little one is continuing to grow.  I can't believe how much I already love this tiny little organism. I pray there's a way for it to know how badly we want him or her and how much we already love. 

Holding on to Hope

It's been a rough couple of days as we've suffered some disappointments.  We had our retrieval on Thursday.  My ultrasound on Tuesday showed 10 follicles so I was hopeful for 10 eggs.  We arrived at the clinic for retrieval and as usual everyone was so great.  They took me back to the exam room and I changed into my gown and Nurse Jenny came in to explain the process and take my vitals and hook up the IV.  I met with the anesthesiologist and he explained that process.  As we waited on the doctor all of the staff stopped in to talk with us and say hello.  I really think we are their favorite patients :)  Then they called D to go do his part so we said goodbye.  Jenny stayed with me until it was time to take me to the OR.  Once we got in there everything happened pretty quick.  They injected the anesthesia into my IV and Jenny got me into position.  I remember telling her that I was already feeling foggy and then that's all I remember.  The next thing I knew I was waking up.  For whatever reason I was crying and asking for D.  They brought him back right away and then we waited for a few minutes until one of the nurses came in and told us they got 8 eggs.  I was a little disappointed but it was in line with my expectations so I felt good about it.  We were then sent home to wait until they called us on Friday with the fertilization report.  I didn't feel too bad leaving the clinic but was surprised at the amount of pain I was in Thurs. and Friday.  I took it easy and just kind of laid around all day.  We finally got the call around 1:30 on Friday and the news was very hard to swallow.  Out of the 8 eggs only 5 were mature.  And out of those only 1 fertilized normally.  Only 1.  I was so hoping to be able to transfer two and even have 1 or 2 to freeze.  That means if this doesn't work we have to start all over from square one.  Which is a devastating thought after everything we've been through the last 6 months.

I had myself a good cry and then decided that I wasn't going to give up on the 1 embryo we do have left.  I spent all of Friday and Sat. in a complete panic waiting for the clinic to call and tell me that the embryo had stopped dividing and growing and we were done.  Several times on Sat. I went to call the clinic to check but I was paralyzed with fear.  I finally determined that no news was good news and just chose to live in denial.  We were tentatively scheduled for transfer at 11:30 on Sunday (today).  This morning my phone rang and it was the clinic and my heart dropped.  However they informed me that they were bumping us up to 10:45am and we are on for the transfer!  I'm almost afraid to let the hope in that this might work but I know I have to be positive and have faith in our one little embryo that we have left.  I know all it takes is one.  I asked the nurse if it was still doing okay and she said that it must be if they are moving ahead with the transfer and we'll find out more from the doctor when we get there.

So here we are.  I am a hot mess of emotions......hope, joy, fear.  I know this is out of my control and all I can do is give everything I can to this one embryo with the hope that it is THE ONE.  Please keep D and I and our little one in your prayers.