Roller Coaster

This week has been a complete roller coaster of emotions.  Thanks to all of you who reached out with advice or to check and see how the consult with Dr. Schoolcraft went.  I can honestly say I was pleasantly surprised.  I think I had prepared myself for the worse based on everyone's input.  I'm not sure if I caught him on a good day or if I just pumped him up to be SO harsh in my mind that he couldn't live up to it :)  Either way I'm happy to report back that he was very helpful and patient with us.  As many of you had warned me he wouldn't talk protocol with me at all.  But he did say based on my file he felt "optimistic" that he could help us.  Obviously that opinion will be influenced by my ODW (one day workup) and the results of the tests CCRM would run.  He did say that for us he'd like to also run the Beta-3 Integrin test as well as Karyotype (Chromosome Analysis) for both D and myself.  For me the main thing (and most disturbing) that I got out of the conversation was his explanation of their genetic testing.  At CCRM they do CCS testing on your embryos on day 5.  Then they are frozen and your transfer is a FET.  At my local clinic when we did genetic testing with our last cycle they took the biopsies on Day 3 and we had the results on Day 5 for a fresh transfer.  It was nice not to have to wait another month for transfer but the information that Dr. Schoolcraft shared with me on the Day 3 testing was very concerning.  He basically said when you choose a cell to biopsy on Day 3 the embryos are only composed of between 6-8 cells.  And there's no way to distinguish between the cells that are going to be the baby and the cells that will develop into the placenta.  If they end up taking one of the cells that is destined to be the baby then they are FATALLY damaging the embryo.  Yeah, you read that right.  What this means for us is our grade 1 "perfect" embryo that we transferred last cycle very well could have been damaged due to the testing.  And the two remaining that we have frozen could be the same story.  Wow.

Now while obviously I was VERY upset by this, the small silver lining (if I'm forced to find one) is I was certain there must be something seriously wrong with me in my uterus for our genetically normal grade 1 embryo not to result in a pregnancy.  But basically Dr. S was saying that he thinks it was the damage from the biopsy.  Which also explains why two of our "normal" embryos never developed to the blastocyst stage and arrested.  At CCRM they do their genetic testing on day 5 when the embryo consists of around 60 cells and the outer ones are clearly visible as the "placenta" cells.  He backed this logic up with a series of studies that were done by an independent company.  Ouch.

We wrapped up the conversation by him recommending that we move forward with transferring our two remaining embryos and to call to schedule my ODW if that cycle is unsuccessful.  Which brings me to meeting #2 of this week.  My post-op follow up with Dr. H  from my hysteroscopy at my local clinic.

I thought a lot about what to say (or not to say) to Dr. H. regarding what I had learned from CCRM.  I ultimately decided not to bring up the genetic testing with him.  1.  What's done is done.  2.  I'm sure he has his own studies and logic about why they would do testing on day 3, and honestly no matter what he told me I wasn't going to buy it.  I recognize that there's still a good chance that they biopsied a "placenta" cell in our 2 frozen embies and if that was the case then they would be "normal" embryos that could result in a pregnancy and God willing our take home baby.  However if this cycle is unsuccessful we've already decided to move forward with CCRM as soon as possible.

So when I met with Dr. H he showed me the pictures from my hysteroscopy of the two small fibroids he found and removed.  This part I was prepared for because he had told me about them right after the procedure.  The part I wasn't prepared for was him to tell me that there was "inflammation" in my uterus.  Based on that he wants to throw me into menopause for a month using  a Lupron Depo injection.  So all those thoughts from the night before about how it might not be my uterus went out the window.  On top of that obviously a month of menopause would push our transfer from Dec. to Jan.  Sigh.  I realize in the big scheme of things one month is nothing.  But it's still hard to swallow.

I've talked to a couple other girls who have gone down this path with the Lupron Depo and both were successful in their next transfers.  I'd be interested to hear from the rest of you if you have any thoughts or input.

So roller coaster of emotions.  I'm just trying to remind myself to take it one day at a time.

Ultrasound Update

Hey gang!  Sorry I am just getting this post written. Work has been so crazy as July and Aug are my busiest months. I had my ultrasound on Monday and things looked good. I had 19 follicles and they were all between 12 and 15mm. Last cycle I had 18 but I had a couple that were at 20mm and farther ahead than the rest. So based on that information and my estrogen levels we stimmed again last night and tonight and I'll go back for another ultrasound tomorrow morning. I expect we'll have retrieval scheduled for Friday but we will see. I felt so much better after the u/s. It all just gets in my head and even though I've been feeling super bloated and heavy I started thinking it was all in my head and there was only going to be like 2 follicles there. Since we didn't up my meds just changed up a couple things I think my hope was to have the same results as last time so I'm feeling pretty good. I know several of these follicles will be empty. I know not all the eggs they do retrieve will be mature. I know not all the mature eggs will fertilize. And I know not all of the embryos will survive. Finally I know not all of the embryos that do survive will be genetically normal. That being said I am still just hoping and praying for 1 healthy embryo to transfer. I know that might sound pessimistic but this is not my first rodeo people. I know my body and my diagnosis and will honestly be thrilled and hopeful if we even have 1 to transfer. (And terribly disappointed if there's none...). 

So that's where we are. I'm feeling excited and hopeful for tomorrow's u/s. I'm ready to get this show on the road.  There's been so much positive news in our community lately. It fills me with hope and happiness but also scares me a little. We all know the stats and this can't work for everyone. So selfishly I'm wondering if it's me that's going to get the bad news. But I'm doing my best to block those nasty thoughts and stay positive. This very well could be our turn. We've earned it. (Let's be honest we all have girls). We've put in the sweat, blood, and tears. Suffered the disappointment and heartache. And although I've been down I haven't given up. And I won't no matter what. But it sure would be nice if this was our time. 

Filled with Hope

Thanks for all of the emails checking on me.  I realize I've been kind of quiet lately and there's basically two reasons for that.  The first is that there's not much going on in my cycle right now.  I started Lupron for suppression on July 23rd.  I went in yesterday for my baseline tests and everything came back fine.  Today I switched from the Lupron to Ganirelix and I'll start adding in IM shots of E2V tomorrow.  Monday (providing I start my period)  I'll start stims and then things should really start moving forward.  Overall I'm feeling pretty good.  I have been feeling positive and hopeful about this cycle.  I felt like yesterday the drugs were starting to catch up with me as I've been really emotional and weepy.  But that's just part of it.  I'm feeling better today but as I was looking ahead on my work calendar trying to make sure my days of potential retrieval and transfer were clear, I had a small panic attack about not having anything to transfer.  As you guys know we are doing CCS genetic testing on our embryos this round.  If none of our embryos come back genetically normal then we won't have anything to transfer.  However the tests will provide a lot of insight that I think we need to determine how we move forward in this battle with infertility.  So while that thought scares me, I'm trying to focus on the fact that we'll know more after this cycle than we did before.  So right now in the moment I'm just trying to take care of my body.  I'm exercising, eating healthy and trying to stay as positive as I can.  There's a part of me that just feels like this HAS to be it (mostly because the thought of where we go if this doesn't work completely overwhelms me).  I'm excited about the potential of this working and hopefully knowing that we are transferring a normal embryo who has a really good chance of turning into our take home baby.  While IVF cycles are scary, stressful, and overwhelming it also is a time of hope and excitement.  So that's where my focus is.  

The second reason I haven't had much to say is because there's been some major (exciting!) stuff going on in our little blog community with others.  Sweet Jessah is in her 2ww coming off of an amazing cycle.  I have so much hope that this is IT for her!  Her journey has been a long one and her persistence, positive attitude, and hope are such an inspiration for me.  I hope she can feel the love that we are all sending her way and I'm praying with everything I've got for some fabulous news come beta time!  Suzanne has started a new path on her journey and I've been filled with excitement for her and her husband as I read about each step forward they take.  These steps require some big decisions which I know are not easy.  It hurts my heart that she's faced with difficult decisions but she is handling it with grace and faith and I know that her choices are going to lead her down the right path.  We've also had a lot of reasons to celebrate and renew our faith and hope that this process DOES work!  Mrs. Lost, Allison, and Aubrey have all recently welcomed babies home.  These are three of the first blogs I found when I ventured into the online IF community.  I remember pouring over their posts and getting up to speed on their struggles and feeling such a connection.  These women are my hope for what the future could bring for me and D.

There's so many more of you out there who I follow.  This community is a place I can turn to when I'm feeling like no one understands what I'm going through.  In my darkest hours you all are a light that reminds me I'm not alone and there is hope.

A Reason to Celebrate

Happy almost 4th of July!  This is my most favorite holiday and I'm so looking forward to the long weekend.  We are planning on spending it boating on our lake enjoying the water, sunshine, and good friends.  There's also a little thing called my birthday occurring but we are ignoring that this year to hopefully get through the weekend without any breakdowns on my part.

But the future is looking a little bit brighter than it was a week ago.  On Tuesday I miraculously started my period!  Then on Wednesday we had our WTF appointment with Dr. H.  I was relieved that the options he layed out were what I expected.  (As a recap I thought he would suggest another fresh cycle with genetic testing or donor eggs).  His recommended path was to try again with my own eggs.  He said that since we had a "success" (it sure doesn't feel like a success since it ended in miscarriage and we have no baby) that proves that I am capable of producing healthy embryos and no implantation issues.  He feels like it's worth it to try another cycle with my eggs and we agree.  We are going to test my AMH level (evidently they didn't do that a year ago when they did my day 3 blood work?!?) and that will let us know if we stick with the L8 protocol that we did last time or bump up to the L10.  I'm VERY anxious to see what that number is since it's a good indicator of your egg quality.  Since we already know my FSH is slightly elevated (10.6) the addition of this number will give us a better understanding of my fertility as a whole.  I'm just praying it's not really, really low as in there's no chance for you.  Dr. H. doesn't think it will be since I was able to become pregnant once.  

So overall I'm feeling pretty good.  Unless the AMH test comes back with terrible results and we need to reevaluate we are on path for Aug. cycle.  I'm trying not to focus on all of the unknowns and things I have no control over (i.e. - how many mature eggs we'll get, how many embryos will form, what the genetic results will be, etc. etc.).  Obviously it will be disappointing if we get through retrieval and do the genetic tests only to discover we have no "normal" embryos and nothing to transfer.  But I'd rather know at that point than suffer through the 2ww.  How my clinic does the CGH testing is they take 1 cell from each day 3 embryo.  Then it's shipped off for the testing and we'll have the results on Day 5 so we can do a Day 5 transfer if we have any normal embryos.  I'm going to pray really hard that we get as many eggs as we did last time if not more.  

So...for now it's back on birth control and back to the waiting room.  We've got lots of fun stuff happening this summer so I'm going to do my best to enjoy it and just focus on getting my body and mind ready to give this another try.  This battle has taken it's toll on us, but we aren't done fighting yet.  I know in the end it will be worth every tear, every shot, all the pain and all the waiting.  

Be Patient

Thank you so much for all of the kind comments and emails.  I'm very sad to report that my beta was negative.  I tested on 9dp5dt and then again the morning of the beta (10dp5dt) and both home tests were negative.  I knew in my heart before I even saw the results that it didn't work.

I'm doing okay.  I mostly feel numb.  Next month is our 1 year anniversary of our infertility diagnosis.  When we first discovered that there were issues I remember wishing I could just fast forward to a year from now when this would all be behind us.  But here we are - 2 Fresh IVF cycles, one FET, 3 transfers, and 5 beautiful embryos lost.  I long ago lost track of the number of pills and injections I've given myself.  The blood, bruises, hot flashes, headaches, and hormonal highs and lows no longer phase me.  What once seemed like the biggest, most overwhelming experience of my life has become routine.  And here we sit.  Still childless, still heart broken, bleeding money and quickly losing hope.

This most recent disappointment has caused to me really question if having a family is in the cards for us.  I've always been so sure in my heart that I was meant to be a mother.  It's what I've always wanted, what I've always dreamed of.  Even when dealing with the shock and devastation of an infertility diagnosis I still felt confident that I would have a baby.  It just was going to take a little longer than we thought.  And believe me I know there's so many of you who have been fighting this battle much longer than us.  I guess I was just naive enough to think we'd be one of the lucky ones who got out quickly.  It's not looking like that's the case.

We scheduled our WTF appointment for next week.  I think that Dr. H. will lay out two paths for us.  1.  Try a 3rd fresh cycle at the very highest medicated protocol (we were on the 2nd highest last time) and include genetic testing (CCS) of the embryos.  2.  Donor Eggs.

My husband and I have spent a great deal of time over the weekend discussing this.  He just isn't ready to make the jump to donor eggs.  He really feels like we saw improved results (as far as number of eggs retrieved and number of viable embryos) with our last fresh cycle and if we try again on the most aggressive protocol we could possibly even get a couple more eggs/embryos then last time.  He also thinks the genetic testing will give us some answers that will make things more clear.  Which I guess I see his point.  If the genetic results come back and none of our embryos are normal then that's a pretty good indicator that we should move on.  But if we have several that are normal then it would confirm that I have more of an egg quantity problems vs. an egg quality problem.

My biggest thing is I just don't want to waste any more time.  I'm sure part of it is that I turn 34 in 2 weeks.  It just seems like with each disappointment and failure all I can think about is the fact that time is quickly running out.

But I am going to do my best to stay hopeful and positive.  I have a lot to be grateful in my life and I need to remember that.