I'm going to take a moment to vent and be a whinny IVF patient. I try so hard not to complain about this process that is giving me a chance to have a baby of my own when nature most likely wouldn't let that happen. I feel bad complaining and being ungrateful for medicine and science that gives us a fighting chance. And I know that FET cycles are not as intense as fresh IVF cycles. I know all of this. But some days you just gotta bitch.
My FET protocol was Lupron for supression with E2V (delestrogen) IM (inter muscular) injections every third day. Now that we are getting closer to transfer I've started the dreaded PIO (progesterone in oil) shots and we've increased the E2V. I'm doing 2cc's (100mg) of PIO every night. This. Is. A. Lot. More than I've ever done in the past. In addition I'm doing .4ml's of E2V every third night. Last night was a night I had to do both IM shots. I'm not proud to say I didn't handle this well and basically cried through the whole thing. My bottom hurts when I walk, hurts when I sit, hurts when simply standing. In addition I've been battling a non stop headache since this weekend. Please, don't get me wrong. If it meant I get a baby I would do both shots every day for the rest of my life. But man, is it hard sometimes.
Ok so that's enough of the whining and complaining. That being said we are one day closer to transfer. We are getting there - making progress. And as my best friend told me this morning every shot is one step closer to transfer and giving Frosty a home. I pray so hard that this works. That this will be it for us. However the road to bringing home a healthy baby is long and full of potholes. I will be SO SO grateful IF we get a positive beta. But I will be plagued with worry and fear waiting to see it increase. I know I won't be able to stop thinking about what happened last time. I can't even picture myself going in for the first ultrasound after experiencing it last time with no heartbeat. The fear is like a living, breathing thing inside me. Then I begin to play out "which is worse". Is it worse to get a negative beta from the get go? Or to become pregnant only to miscarry. I'm not sure there's a right answer there. Both are terrible, horrible. I don't want to go through either option. I just want to get pregnant and stay pregnant and 9 months later bring home a healthy baby. Which sometimes feels completely impossible.
But thanks to my support system I have faith. I have people who are praying for us and helping me to be positive even when I feel hopeless. For that I am eternally grateful. I know it only takes one. I have spent this week obsessing over some of your blogs where you transferred just 1 embryo and either have your sweet child home with you or are well in to your 2nd or 3rd trimester. I envision that being us. I hope. I pray. I do these stupid shots and take all of the meds and know that ultimately this is all in God's hands. I trust in his plan for us even when I don't understand it. I have FAITH.
There is no such thing as IVF for wimps! But I'm happy you were able to avoid the IM shots. Once again I'll gladly take them for the end result. Every once in a while you just gotta vent though :) The end is in sight, whatever that may bring.
ReplyDeleteSorry for your IM shots. I've always dreaded those too. Not fun at all. I'd rather get a negative upfront than miscarry and get my hopes up…but that's just me. Both do suck. I hope neither happens to you. Hoping for your BFP and healthy babe 9 months later.
ReplyDeleteJessah I agree. Although it's devastating to get a negative beta the extra hope that a positive gives you, only to suffer disappointment is terrible. However after I had some time to grieve I did see the "silver lining" that at least I was able to become pregnant. I think regardless of when you lose one of your babies - embryo development, thawing, negative beta, or miscarriage it's all terrible. Hoping for nothing but good news with this cycle. I am ready!
DeleteThe dreaded IM shots... i feel your pain, i was pretty much on the same protocol, which mine went even a couple weeks after most wean off their shots because i had a subchorionic hematoma... but in the end (our 2nd FET) it was all worth it. So, yes, they suck, but just try to stay positive and have a good outlook. Also, maybe try a heating pad before/after, that helped me in the beginning... another thing you can maybe ask for is progesterone ethyl oleate... its just in a different medium, not in sesame oil. the ethyl oleate is a bit thinner and hurts a bit less. i switched to that a few weeks in as i developed an allergy to the sesame oil. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteHi A. You don't know me, but I'm a cousin to one of your good friends (also named A ;-). She is a great friend, because today she asked me to pray for you and your family. Prayer really changes things, and so I will pray for you today (the day you are transferring the embryo), that God would keep you hopeful and patient and trusting in Him. He uses these trials mysteriously and to test our faith and produce in endurance in us. Stay prayerful and hopeful and trust in The Lord.
ReplyDelete"Trust in the Lord with all of your heart; do not lean upon your own understanding. In all of your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight"- Proverbs 3:5-6
I pray that He makes this process a straight path now, and that your beautiful baby is at the end of that path. I pray that you and your husband will be strengthened and encouraged by those around you and by a deeper walk in your faith journey. Hang in there and please know you have great friends and people who are praying for you!
-Claire