Hello world. It's been 7 weeks and I'm so relieved to report that my HCG level is FINALLY back down to 1. We tested the Friday of Labor Day weekend and it came back at a 7. Ugh. One more trip last week and it's finally, officially over. We are now just waiting for my period to start and we can re-start our first cycle at CCRM. I am more than ready to get things rolling. We still haven't made any decisions on the Family Building Plan vs. a single cycle at CCRM. I really think we are just going to wait and see how the cycle is looking and what the recommendations are. For us it will most likely be a last min decision the day of retrieval. I am asking and trusting that God will guide us to make the right choice.
That's something I've been given a lot of thought to lately. Faith and trust in God and His plan. I recently spent some one on one time with a close friend of mine and while talking about moving forward with CCRM she had a lot of hard questions for me to answer. Basically she can't really understand after 3 retrievals, five transfers, and one spontaneous pregnancy why I think CCRM is going to be able help us. And while it's a stab to the heart it's a logical question. She's not the first to raise the question of when enough is enough and won't be the last. I wish more than anything my situation was black and white. But it's colored so many in between shades it's hard for me to even distinguish any more. Yes, we've been through 3 fresh cycles and in each one we retrieved more eggs than the cycle before. I've had an early miscarriage, a chemical, and finally this last spontaneous pregnancy that resulted in a miscarriage after we saw a heartbeat. Where the shades of gray fall are with all of the different aspects of each of those cycles. With the miscarriage the embryos were not CCS tested so we have no idea if they were genetically normal. With the chemical pregnancy the embryos were genetically tested but on Day 3, which Dr. Schoolcraft informed me could be fatally damaging to the embryos. If we had done five transfers of all "normal" embryos I would be ready to move on to a GC (even though nothing in all of the millions of tests they have ran is indicating I would have any problems carrying a baby). If we had retrieved and tested all of these eggs/embryos and none of them came back normal I would know that it's time to look into donor eggs. But for me it seems to be a mix of both. I did get genetically normal embryos, but they were most likely damaged by the day 3 genetic testing. So now I feel like my judgement is clouded and that there's no clear next path.
My simple answer for my friend is I have faith in CCRM because of their lab. Even my genetically normal embryos from my local clinic weren't perfect or even great quality. My hope is that CCRM can help us produce MORE mature eggs and their lab can help us get more, QUALITY blasts. My hope is that our "golden" egg will be found here, providing I really can carry a child. And while we are definitely open to using a GC or donor eggs, until we cycle at CCRM I don't feel like either path is clear for us.
But to my friend's point there's a very good possibility that we'll cycle at CCRM and it WON'T work. And that is going to be absolutely devastating. It's taking every last penny we have to cycle with them and if we get through this and discover that we do need a donor or a GC there's not going to be any money left at this time to explore that option. And that absolutely terrifies me. But when it comes down to it this entire journey has been blind faith. There are no guarantees. No amount of hard work, dedication, or shear desire will make this successful. We have no control over the outcome no matter what supplements I take, food or drinks I give up, or how much I exercise or take care of my body. Yes there's things we can to do help but ultimately it's out of our control.
So to me it becomes a choice. I can give up or I can have faith. Blind trust in God and His plan. Even after ALL of our failures and everything we've been through I still feel in my gut that I am meant to be a mother. Honestly (and I may just be in severe denial here) but I still feel like I will carry that child. There's definitely days that I'm more sure than others, and there's also days where I feel like giving up. But one thing I know for sure is at this time there's too many unknowns. And only one way to truly get some answers. Whatever the outcome I'm ready to know.
Infertility
Tuesday, September 15, 2015
Thursday, August 20, 2015
Making the right choice
As we wait for my HCG level to come back down I've been struggling lately with our next steps. When we first found out that we were pregnant naturally we were cautiously optimistic. I mean we'd been pregnant before and had nothing to show for it so we knew that a positive test did not equal a baby in our arms. We agreed to look at that pregnancy as a "bonus" try for us. If it worked out then it was truly our miracle. If not, then we would move forward with our plan to go to CCRM. Well as you all now that bonus try did not work out. So here we are starting over again. And even though my heart is still grieving the loss of our miracle baby my determination has returned. We are not ready to give up on our dream of having a family. But I am questioning our chosen route.....
When we met with Dr. Schoolcraft for our regroup after my ODWU I would say he seemed optimistic. There were no red flags from all of the tests that we had ran that day. He wanted to put me on their "poor responder" protocol which is really similar to what I've done in the past but instead of suppressing me with birth control and three weeks of lupron injections CCRM has seen better results by priming patients like me with estrogen. I was/am excited to see what this change could bring for us. Obviously my hope is more mature eggs and better quality embryos. Due to my old clinic's crappy genetic testing we know that we CAN produce genetically normal embryos. But I've always struggled getting my embryos to the day 5 blast stage. The whole reason for coming to CCRM was the hope that their amazing lab could help with this.
When I say I'm questioning our route it's not going to CCRM. I still believe that's the right place for us. If we are going to do this it needs to be with the very best. However during that regroup with Dr. Schoolcraft I brought up their Family Building Plan. He agreed with me that it would be a good option for us. However being completely OOP with NO insurance coverage it's a very expensive option. About $45,000 expensive not including meds (which without any insurance will run around $6K for each cycle) and travel expenses. Ouch. We have a huge chunk of money saved but we are short of that amount. My amazing parents have offered to make up the difference for us which we are so incredibly thankful for. But I'm really struggling with what happens if we do this and drain all of our savings, tap my parents for money, and it doesn't work. Maybe we don't get any normal embryos or maybe we do and we transfer them all and despite the fact that none of the tests are indicating there's something wrong with my ability to carry there really is. And we need to go the surrogate route. We are open to donor eggs and to surrogacy if that's what it will take to get our family. However we have no way to afford either of those options after a FBP cycle at CCRM.
I had a long talk with my dad about the situation last night and he gave me some great advice. He said let's just focus on the next step and if it doesn't work we'll deal with that at that time together. It's great advice and probably what we need to do but I can't seem to stop worrying about the what if's. I want to be positive and hopeful but I feel I also NEED to be realistic . And after all these failures there's a good chance that we won't be successful this time. I've been wondering if maybe we just do one cycle at CCRM and if that would be enough to give us direction? But if we complete one cycle and we don't get any normals will I always wonder what if we had completed the FBP? Or if we do get normals but only one or two and the transfer results in a BFN or another miscarriage will that really confirm we need a surrogate? We all know having genetically normal embryos GREATLY increases the chance of success but it's still not 100%.
I know that no one can make these decisions but me and D. It's just so overwhelming when it's the most important thing you will ever do. CCRM girls I'd love to hear your thoughts on how you decided your path there and what was right for you.
When we met with Dr. Schoolcraft for our regroup after my ODWU I would say he seemed optimistic. There were no red flags from all of the tests that we had ran that day. He wanted to put me on their "poor responder" protocol which is really similar to what I've done in the past but instead of suppressing me with birth control and three weeks of lupron injections CCRM has seen better results by priming patients like me with estrogen. I was/am excited to see what this change could bring for us. Obviously my hope is more mature eggs and better quality embryos. Due to my old clinic's crappy genetic testing we know that we CAN produce genetically normal embryos. But I've always struggled getting my embryos to the day 5 blast stage. The whole reason for coming to CCRM was the hope that their amazing lab could help with this.
When I say I'm questioning our route it's not going to CCRM. I still believe that's the right place for us. If we are going to do this it needs to be with the very best. However during that regroup with Dr. Schoolcraft I brought up their Family Building Plan. He agreed with me that it would be a good option for us. However being completely OOP with NO insurance coverage it's a very expensive option. About $45,000 expensive not including meds (which without any insurance will run around $6K for each cycle) and travel expenses. Ouch. We have a huge chunk of money saved but we are short of that amount. My amazing parents have offered to make up the difference for us which we are so incredibly thankful for. But I'm really struggling with what happens if we do this and drain all of our savings, tap my parents for money, and it doesn't work. Maybe we don't get any normal embryos or maybe we do and we transfer them all and despite the fact that none of the tests are indicating there's something wrong with my ability to carry there really is. And we need to go the surrogate route. We are open to donor eggs and to surrogacy if that's what it will take to get our family. However we have no way to afford either of those options after a FBP cycle at CCRM.
I had a long talk with my dad about the situation last night and he gave me some great advice. He said let's just focus on the next step and if it doesn't work we'll deal with that at that time together. It's great advice and probably what we need to do but I can't seem to stop worrying about the what if's. I want to be positive and hopeful but I feel I also NEED to be realistic . And after all these failures there's a good chance that we won't be successful this time. I've been wondering if maybe we just do one cycle at CCRM and if that would be enough to give us direction? But if we complete one cycle and we don't get any normals will I always wonder what if we had completed the FBP? Or if we do get normals but only one or two and the transfer results in a BFN or another miscarriage will that really confirm we need a surrogate? We all know having genetically normal embryos GREATLY increases the chance of success but it's still not 100%.
I know that no one can make these decisions but me and D. It's just so overwhelming when it's the most important thing you will ever do. CCRM girls I'd love to hear your thoughts on how you decided your path there and what was right for you.
Monday, August 10, 2015
Starting Over
We got the results from the Repeated Pregnancy Loss panel back and everything was normal. On Wednesday we will see where my HCG level is at now. Once it returns to below 5 and I get a period we can start our cycle at CCRM. My protocol there is an estrogen priming one. So after my period starts I'll test for ovulation and once I get a positive ovulation test I'll start my estrogen patches. Then we add in three days of Ganerleix injections and then I should get another period and we start stims right away. It will go fast once I get that initial period - I just have no idea how long that will take.
Emotionally I'm doing okay and I feel ready to move forward. While the pain and grief are still there I don't feel like it's consuming me anymore. This morning I woke up feeling.....determined might be a good word. This has been a hard road for us with a lot of unanswered questions. But we both agree there's nothing more important to us than building a family. And until we cycle at CCRM I don't think we can truly know what our best option is. There's a lot of ways our cycle(s) with them can go. Obviously my hope is their world class lab can help us get some high quality normal blasts to transfer. If my gut is right and the root of our struggles is my shitty egg quality then that should be our solution. However I know just because an embryo has tested normal does not guarantee success. We may transfer a normal embryo and still not find success. I could miscarry again. Or it could just be a BFN. At that point I think we start to think seriously about a Gestational Carrier. We might not even get any normal blasts. Which at that point we will start to look into donor eggs. In some ways though we've been through three fresh cycles, and a total of five transfers (plus our naturally pregnancy) it feels like we are starting from scratch. Which I guess in a way we are with CCRM. And even though we've suffered nothing but disappointment after disappointment I am hopeful. I'm hopeful that their protocol which does not include suppression will be helpful for a "poor responder" like me. I'm hopeful that their amazing lab will yield better quality embryos from my crappy eggs. And as I mentioned before I'm no longer naive enough to think that a year from now this nightmare will be over, I am confident that we will know more than we do now. That our path to our family will be more defined and within our reach. That there will be light at the end of this dark, long tunnel.
Emotionally I'm doing okay and I feel ready to move forward. While the pain and grief are still there I don't feel like it's consuming me anymore. This morning I woke up feeling.....determined might be a good word. This has been a hard road for us with a lot of unanswered questions. But we both agree there's nothing more important to us than building a family. And until we cycle at CCRM I don't think we can truly know what our best option is. There's a lot of ways our cycle(s) with them can go. Obviously my hope is their world class lab can help us get some high quality normal blasts to transfer. If my gut is right and the root of our struggles is my shitty egg quality then that should be our solution. However I know just because an embryo has tested normal does not guarantee success. We may transfer a normal embryo and still not find success. I could miscarry again. Or it could just be a BFN. At that point I think we start to think seriously about a Gestational Carrier. We might not even get any normal blasts. Which at that point we will start to look into donor eggs. In some ways though we've been through three fresh cycles, and a total of five transfers (plus our naturally pregnancy) it feels like we are starting from scratch. Which I guess in a way we are with CCRM. And even though we've suffered nothing but disappointment after disappointment I am hopeful. I'm hopeful that their protocol which does not include suppression will be helpful for a "poor responder" like me. I'm hopeful that their amazing lab will yield better quality embryos from my crappy eggs. And as I mentioned before I'm no longer naive enough to think that a year from now this nightmare will be over, I am confident that we will know more than we do now. That our path to our family will be more defined and within our reach. That there will be light at the end of this dark, long tunnel.
Tuesday, August 4, 2015
One Week
It's been one week since the world came crashing down. Funny I think I've written something like this before here. I'm constantly surprised by the things the human soul can endure. On a brighter note I'm also surprised by the compassion and love that people can show. It has NOT been an easy week. However my family and friends rallied, as they always do. My best friend showed up at my house the day after even though I told her not to. She brought food, and diet Coke, and wine, and beer for D, and Ben and Jerry's ice cream, and season six (the BEST season) of Friends. She did my dirty dishes. Is there a better definition of a best friend? Our families continued to reach out to us even when we weren't responding to their phone calls and texts. They consistently showered us with love and concern. I heard from so many of our sisters in this community. My dear friend Jane, who has a brand new baby at home, fielded my endless questions regarding the actual miscarriage and what happens next. My rock, my sweet Amanda checked in with me every day and sent me a wonderful care package. I got emails from bloggers who have been following me but have never commented before. No, it was not an easy week. But despite it, I still feel blessed and thankful.
After we received the news Tues morning that there was no heartbeat I did not take my daily doses of progesterone and I actually started spotting Tuesday night. I had regular period bleeding all week. I became convinced that maybe the miscarriage would just be this steady bleeding. I was wrong. Friday early evening I started getting some bad cramps. The bleeding got heavy. To the point that I really couldn't leave the toilet. In reality it actually happened pretty fast. Less than 2 hours from start to finish. I don't want to get super graphic with you guys but if someone is reading this and going through the same thing I also want to give them some sort of a heads up. I finally passed the baby and it was not just some tissue or a clot like clump (though I had some of those as well). It was very clearly a sac with something inside. There were basically two cords attached to the sac. I think one was where it was attached to my uterus and the other was the cord going to the yolk sac or placenta. In total it was all about the size of the palm of my hand. There was one large chunk of tissue before that and another after. I was NOT prepared for any of this as the baby was measuring 7 weeks and I had read if you miscarried before 8 weeks it could just be similar to a very heavy period. Obviously that was not accurate for me. Even though it was terrible I am glad that it's over. When I woke up on Saturday morning I felt.....better. Still, obviously, very very sad. But relieved that the worst was over and I had survived.
I got my HCG level checked yesterday and it was at 1800. I'm not sure how I feel about this. Compared to where it had to have been this is obviously a big decrease. And I'm hoping now that the actual miscarriage has happened it will decrease quickly. I do feel confident that there's nothing left that I would need a D&C for or that would keep those levels from decreasing. After Friday night I'm not sure how there could be anything left. CCRM sent me orders to get it checked again next Wed. My nurse there (Cindy for anyone at CCRM) has been absolutely wonderful. Before we can move forward the level needs to return to below 5 and I need to have a period. They also ordered a Repeated Pregnancy Loss panel that I got blood drawn for yesterday. It will take a couple days to get those results. And honestly I'll be shocked if anything comes back abnormal. My gut tells me my shitty eggs are the main issue but I'm glad they are running the tests anyway.
If someone could tell me that I need donor eggs or a surrogate to get our baby I'm at the point where I would happily embrace either of those options. And while I'm not ready to give up I do wonder how much more disappointment we can take without breaking. Unfortunately I don't think we'll truly know if we need to go either of those routes until we cycle at CCRM. Which really just amounts to a lot more time and money. Due to the prior mentioned shitty eggs the plan at CCRM is their egg banking "Family Building Plan". Which is three retrievals (approx. 8 weeks between retrievals) where they freeze the embryos at the 2PN stage. After the third retrieval they grow all of the embryos out to day 5 and then providing you still have some left, they do their CSS genetic testing. It's a couple weeks to get those results and then IF you have normals you can start prepping for a transfer. The entire process takes anywhere from 6 - 9 months depending on your protocol, potential set backs (cyst, delayed periods, etc). For the last 2 + years after every disappointment I've comforted myself that if I could just fast forward a year form now this will all be over. At this point in time I'm pretty confident that a year from now this will not be behind us. And that, my friends, is a very depressing thought.
So more of the same here - waiting. D is now completely freaked out about us getting pregnant naturally. He is 100% against that and feels we need to be very cautious. I'm not sure how I feel about that. No I do not want to go through this again AT ALL. But I also have a hard time stomaching purposely preventing pregnancy. I'm just not sure what the right answer is here. Which seems to be a common theme in my life right now. Thank you to all of you for your concern and your kind words. You were all the light in the darkest of times this past week.
After we received the news Tues morning that there was no heartbeat I did not take my daily doses of progesterone and I actually started spotting Tuesday night. I had regular period bleeding all week. I became convinced that maybe the miscarriage would just be this steady bleeding. I was wrong. Friday early evening I started getting some bad cramps. The bleeding got heavy. To the point that I really couldn't leave the toilet. In reality it actually happened pretty fast. Less than 2 hours from start to finish. I don't want to get super graphic with you guys but if someone is reading this and going through the same thing I also want to give them some sort of a heads up. I finally passed the baby and it was not just some tissue or a clot like clump (though I had some of those as well). It was very clearly a sac with something inside. There were basically two cords attached to the sac. I think one was where it was attached to my uterus and the other was the cord going to the yolk sac or placenta. In total it was all about the size of the palm of my hand. There was one large chunk of tissue before that and another after. I was NOT prepared for any of this as the baby was measuring 7 weeks and I had read if you miscarried before 8 weeks it could just be similar to a very heavy period. Obviously that was not accurate for me. Even though it was terrible I am glad that it's over. When I woke up on Saturday morning I felt.....better. Still, obviously, very very sad. But relieved that the worst was over and I had survived.
I got my HCG level checked yesterday and it was at 1800. I'm not sure how I feel about this. Compared to where it had to have been this is obviously a big decrease. And I'm hoping now that the actual miscarriage has happened it will decrease quickly. I do feel confident that there's nothing left that I would need a D&C for or that would keep those levels from decreasing. After Friday night I'm not sure how there could be anything left. CCRM sent me orders to get it checked again next Wed. My nurse there (Cindy for anyone at CCRM) has been absolutely wonderful. Before we can move forward the level needs to return to below 5 and I need to have a period. They also ordered a Repeated Pregnancy Loss panel that I got blood drawn for yesterday. It will take a couple days to get those results. And honestly I'll be shocked if anything comes back abnormal. My gut tells me my shitty eggs are the main issue but I'm glad they are running the tests anyway.
If someone could tell me that I need donor eggs or a surrogate to get our baby I'm at the point where I would happily embrace either of those options. And while I'm not ready to give up I do wonder how much more disappointment we can take without breaking. Unfortunately I don't think we'll truly know if we need to go either of those routes until we cycle at CCRM. Which really just amounts to a lot more time and money. Due to the prior mentioned shitty eggs the plan at CCRM is their egg banking "Family Building Plan". Which is three retrievals (approx. 8 weeks between retrievals) where they freeze the embryos at the 2PN stage. After the third retrieval they grow all of the embryos out to day 5 and then providing you still have some left, they do their CSS genetic testing. It's a couple weeks to get those results and then IF you have normals you can start prepping for a transfer. The entire process takes anywhere from 6 - 9 months depending on your protocol, potential set backs (cyst, delayed periods, etc). For the last 2 + years after every disappointment I've comforted myself that if I could just fast forward a year form now this will all be over. At this point in time I'm pretty confident that a year from now this will not be behind us. And that, my friends, is a very depressing thought.
So more of the same here - waiting. D is now completely freaked out about us getting pregnant naturally. He is 100% against that and feels we need to be very cautious. I'm not sure how I feel about that. No I do not want to go through this again AT ALL. But I also have a hard time stomaching purposely preventing pregnancy. I'm just not sure what the right answer is here. Which seems to be a common theme in my life right now. Thank you to all of you for your concern and your kind words. You were all the light in the darkest of times this past week.
Wednesday, July 29, 2015
The morning after
I thought I'd wake up feeling better this morning. It's not everyday that you can save you survived your worst day, your hardest experience. It's a new morning, a fresh start. But yet I still feel the same. Heartbroken, disappointed, angry, confused, and scared. Part of me just can not believe this is happening and part of me feels like of course it is. Why did I think this time would be any different? It's harder and harder to ignore that maybe this just isn't meant to be. All I've ever wanted since I was a little girl was to be a mom. And as my life unfolded NOT according to my careful plans I worried about not being able to have kids before I even knew there was a problem. It was always my biggest fear because it's the one thing I wanted most. And yes I understand you don't always get what you want but I know, deep down inside I KNOW, this is something I will be good at. No that's not true. I'm good at a lot of things - my job, sports, being a good friend. I know that I would be a great mom. It would be the best thing I ever did. But it just doesn't seem like it's in the cards for us. I'm not sure just how much more heartache we can take. And yet how do you let go of your life's dream. I know I have friends who are thinking enough is enough. Maybe they are right. Maybe it's time to just admit it's not meant to be. To find a new dream. Once again my plans are not working out. And even though I can not begin to even fathom a life without children maybe God is telling me it's time to start. I can't possibly understand the reasons for all that we've been through. If infertility was God's way to prepare me to be the very best parent, one that will never take one moment for granted, mission accomplished God. That mission was accomplished years ago. But here we sit still in the same place. Our life still on hold, our future unknown and the looming disappointment and heartbreak weighs so heavy on me I feel like i will drown. If this is some sort of test I've obviously failed. It seems failing is all I'm capable of lately. And I'm so very tired of it. Tired of it all.
Tuesday, July 28, 2015
Wednesday, July 22, 2015
Believing the Unbelievable
I've been thinking about writing this post for over 3 weeks now. Actually if I'm being honest I've been dreaming of writing this update for over 2 years. But let me start at the beginning.
At my last update we were just starting our calendar for our first CCRM cycle. After we induced my period with progesterone I was testing for ovulation so we'd know when I could start the estrogen patches for priming. I started testing on cycle day 9. The nurse instructed me to test in the morning with second or third morning urine. I splurged and bought the expensive clear blue easy ovulation tests with the smiley faces. I've used those before and felt they were much clearer than struggling with the lines on the other tests. So cycle day 9 nothing, cycle day 10 nothing, cycle day 11 nothing. Not even the blinking smiley face that leads up to the solid one that indicates ovulation. Just for kicks I decided to test again on day 11 in the afternoon. And I got a solid smiley face. WTH? How could I go from nothing to ovulating in less than a few hours? I called CCRM and they basically said to continue testing the next couple days (through the weekend) and to call them back on Monday. I continued to test but never got another positive reading. On Monday they sent orders for me to get an u/s to check and see if I had ovulated. So I went in on June 15th for that ultrasound and it showed that I had, indeed, ovulated. So YEAH! I started the estrogen patches and then on cycle day 25 started the ganarelix injections which I took for three days. I was scheduled to start my period on June 28th. Of course that didn't happen. I was in complete panic mode about how that would affect things. I called my nurse at CCRM right away on Monday morning and she said we could make some adjustments if it starts within a few days. Then miraculously it started the very next afternoon! I was so relieved. I called my nurse right away and we scheduled the suppression check ultrasound for Wed. of that week. If we were clear of cysts we'd start STIM drugs on Friday and I'd be on a plane to Colorado on Monday morning! I was still in shock and could not believe this was finally happening!
I went in on Wednesday for the suppression check. I told the ultrasound tech that I had started my period on Monday afternoon but it had been very light. I had my orders from CCRM and was so nervous as I've had a cyst before that delayed my cycle. The ultrasound took FOREVER and once she was finally done she told me to sit tight that the doctor may or may not want to see me. My heart immediately dropped. I was certain something was wrong as I never see the doctor during monitoring appointments. So after a few minutes the u/s tech came back in and told me to get dressed and then she'd take me to a waiting room and the doctor would come talk to me. By this point I was starting to really freak out. Did they find something terrible like a big ol' cancerous tumor?? Did my ovaries get eaten by all of the drugs I've taken the last two years and disappear?? I was regretting not having D come with me to the appointment. I was so freaked out I called him and told him something was wrong. Right as I was losing it to him on the phone the doctor walked in. I will never forgot her words as long as I live. "I have some surprising news - you're pregnant". I immediately told her that I can't get pregnant that's why I'm there. She then filled me in on the fact that they had seen a gestational sac in the ultrasound and that it was early but I was indeed pregnant. I just sat there staring at her in complete shock. She said that I could go to the lab to get the bloodwork done that CCRM had ordered for me (e2 and progesterone level check) and that they were adding a HCG test to that as well. At some point I started crying and she said she'd give me a few minutes to pull myself together. The walk to the lab was a complete blur. All I could think of is that the ultrasound had to be wrong and the HCG test would prove that. I gave a high level explanation of what was happening to the girl drawing my blood and she told me that we'd have the results in an hour. So I left and literally went and sat in my car. I didn't want to call D back because I didn't know what to say! So I text him and just told him all was fine. He totally bought that because I may have a tendency to over react on a regular basis. As I was sitting there trying to figure out what to do with myself (because obviously there was no WAY I could go back to work) I got a text from my sweet friend Amanda just checking in on me. Her timing could not have been more perfect. I completely unloaded on her and even though she had to be in complete shock as well she totally talked me through it. I called back in an hour and got my HCG level. They told me it was 4200. Once again - WHAT? That was WAY too high. I asked if they didn't mean 420 and they said no it was definitely 4200. After a quick consult with Dr. Google we discovered that number was in line with being around 5.5 weeks pregnant and since I had started my period on June 1st and it was currently July 1st we thought I was somewhere around 4.5 weeks. I called CCRM and gave them the news. After they received all of the information from my doctor's office here my amazing nurse Cindy (does anyone else have her?! If you EVER end up at CCRM and are a patient of Dr. Schoolcraft requrest this woman! She is an angel sent from heaven specifically for all of us infertiles). Cindy was completely ecstatic for me while also managing to be cautious. She told me her initial thoughts were that with a HCG level that high they should have seen more than just a gestational sac. She felt as if a fetal pole and yolk sac should have been present. CCRM's protocol was to wait a week and have another ultrasound done. After I got off the phone with her I went and bought a pregnancy test. I had to see it with my own eyes. I got one of the digital ones that says pregnant and then tells you in weeks how far along you are. I knew taking it in the middle of the day vs. first morning would probably affect the results but I just had to see. Sure enough it came up pregnant and said 2-3 weeks (which is from conception, not from your last period). Even after all of this I was still in denial. I was finally starting to believe I was actually pregnant but I also knew that there was a disconnect between the HCG level and the ultrasound. I finally went home to wait for D. When he walked in the house I told him that I figured out why I had been feeling so awful the last week or so (I had been SO moody, emotional, and three mornings in a row was so nauseous I couldn't even eat breakfast - I had chalked it up to the estrogen patches). I showed him the test and he just looked at it blankly. He finally said "I don't get it". When I told him I was pregnant it was with my usual "cautiously optimistic" attitude. Yes I was pregnant but this was still me. And of course it couldn't be cut and dry. I explained everything that happened and told him that basically all we could do is wait for the ultrasound to see if things were progressing. Neither one of us smiled or laughed. We didn't celebrate. We were both crippled with fear. This was everything we've been wanting, dreaming of, right in front of us. Could we really be this lucky? It just didn't seem likely.
So the next morning when I got to work I decided to call my OBGYN to inform her of what was going on (I was being monitored for CCRM at the local hospital since it's right next door to my work and super convenient). Once I filled in the receptionist she said that she would let my doctor know and someone would call me back. I guess I should also mention that my OBGYN is A-MAZING. She has an IVF baby herself and she completely "gets" it. She called me back HERSELF in just a little over an hour and said why don't I come in tomorrow morning. So I made an appointment for Friday morning. When she walked in the exam room she happily hugged and congratulated me. I immediately corrected her and explained that the HCG numbers and the ultrasound weren't adding up. She quickly dismissed my concerns and told me that she had a patient with an HCG level of 16,000 and they couldn't see anything in the ultrasound. She said that every person and every pregnancy is different. Then she asked if it would provide some comfort if we did another ultrasound on Monday. After I burst into tears I finally told her that would be amazing. So she had them draw some blood and then told me to come back on Monday and we'd draw again and do the sono. For whatever reason surviving the weekend knowing we'd have an answer first thing Monday morning was WAY easier than waiting until Thursday like CCRM ordered me to do. The weekend passed in a blur of nerves and fears and Monday came quicker than I thought was possible. As D and I sat in the waiting room I was literally shaking. We had talked it to death and were prepared for any outcome. We had chosen to look at this as a "bonus" opportunity and were taking it as a good sign. I got pregnant. On my own. If this worked than we were one of the lucky ones. If not, then we'd continue to move forward with our CCRM plan. We saved the money, we knew our odds, and if this didn't work out it changed nothing. When they called us back to the sono room I thought we both were going to throw up before we made it. The tech introduced herself and started to explain that being only 5 weeks along we most likely wouldn't be able to see much. I quickly filled her in on the situation and watched as her expression turned serious. I found myself reassuring her that we were prepared either way and just ready for some answers. Once we got started she turned the screen and with a very relieved voice quickly pointed out the baby to us. She did some quick measurements and the baby was measuring right at 6 weeks on the dot. 6 weeks!! WHAT the WHAT? Then she got super excited and said that she could even see the tiny flickering of the baby's heart. I was still recovering from the 6 week shock and evidently was squeezing D's hand so hard he had to tap me on the shoulder so I'd release some pressure. When I turned and looked at him I saw the biggest smile EVER on his face. The tech kept asking us if we saw the heart beat. We both said yes even though we confided in each other that neither of us could really see it. All that mattered was that SHE saw it! I got dressed and my OB was waiting outside the door for me with a huge hug. She took me back to an exam room and we had our first official appointment. Since I was a new OB patient for her she said she wanted me to come back in 1-2 weeks for another appointment. I asked if we'd do another sono and she said we could if that would ease my anxiety. Seriously I would have kissed this woman if she would have come close enough! So I made the appointment for the middle of the following week knowing there was no way I'd make it two weeks but trying to make it longer than one. We were on cloud nine for the rest of Monday and actually most of Tues. By Wednesday the fear had set back in and on Thurs. afternoon I was having some cramping. I left work a little early and went home and took a nap and it seemed to improve. Friday I decided to work from home and the cramping started up first thing in the morning. Around lunchtime I finally broke down and called the doctor's office. I know some mild cramping is normal but this was definitely more than mild. The nurse at my doctor's office said she was delivering a baby and they don't have a sono tech on Fridays anyway. She instructed me to drink a lot of water, stay in bed, and if they became severe to go to the ER. We contemplated going several times but when push came to shove I knew there was nothing they could do to STOP it if I was miscarrying so I chose just to stay in bed and take it easy. By Friday night the cramps had definitely gotten better. Saturday I just had a couple of small episodes. Sunday and Monday I felt GREAT. Which only worried me more. Monday afternoon I called my doctor's office to see if they could move my Wed. appointment up to Tues morning. They shifted some things around and were able to get me in at 10am on Tues. Sitting in the waiting room that morning felt the same but also different than the week before. Before we were both still in shock and denial I think. After seeing the baby and being told it's heart was beating we were far more invested than the week before. We were both too nervous to even speak in the waiting room. We just sat there clutching hands. They called us back and I felt like I was on an episode of Groundhog Day when I told the cheerful tech that I had some significant cramping last week and we were very worried. However this time as soon as the wand was inserted and the baby came into focus you could CLEARLY see it's tiny heartbeat going so fast. Huge sigh of relief and some tears on my part. The baby's heartbeat was 129 which they said was great. At 7 weeks it's typically supposed to be between 90-110 and at 8 weeks between 120 and 160. We were 7 weeks 1 day at that point. She was trying to get some measurements but the way the baby was situated in the sac was really hard. The measurements came in at 6 weeks 5 days so behind schedule. The tech nor the doctor were concerned since the heart beat was strong and the baby wasn't really cooperating. So more celebrations in the office (seriously can I just move in there for the duration of this?). We went over all of the first trimester screening options and she said to come back at 10 weeks and we'd do the blood work for that. D just flat out said "She's not going to make it until then". My wonderful, caring, amazing doctor just laughed and said how about you come back in two weeks and we'll do another ultrasound. Seriously I may leave D for this woman. I'm not sure I've ever loved another human this much. So...here we are. They are telling me I am 8 weeks 2 days pregnant. There's still a huge part of me that can NOT believe this is happening. Obviously I'm still terrified. I have at least one major breakdown per day. But I also have fleeting moments of hope and happiness. This is further than we've ever gotten before. Three retrievals, five transfers of 8 total embryos. One chemical and one miscarriage. During that pregnancy my beta started SO low (12, 59, then 177). At the 7 week ultrasound there was nothing there. I most likely miscarried soon after the third beta. But here we are. We are THAT couple. The one that conceives on their own after YEARS of treatment and trying. It seems completely impossible. This is the kind of stuff that happens to everyone BUT me. And while I'm hopeful, I really truly am, I still can't force myself to let my guard down. We all know what it feels like to know too much, to want this SO bad. And honestly the only ending I"m familiar with is the bad ones. I know how to keep trying. I know how to prep myself physically and emotionally for the drugs, the side effects, the stress. What I don't know is how to be pregnant. It's something I'm praying I can learn.
*~*~*~*DISCLOSURE - If you know me in real life we are obviously not ready to tell ANYONE this news yet so we ask that you please keep it to yourself ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
At my last update we were just starting our calendar for our first CCRM cycle. After we induced my period with progesterone I was testing for ovulation so we'd know when I could start the estrogen patches for priming. I started testing on cycle day 9. The nurse instructed me to test in the morning with second or third morning urine. I splurged and bought the expensive clear blue easy ovulation tests with the smiley faces. I've used those before and felt they were much clearer than struggling with the lines on the other tests. So cycle day 9 nothing, cycle day 10 nothing, cycle day 11 nothing. Not even the blinking smiley face that leads up to the solid one that indicates ovulation. Just for kicks I decided to test again on day 11 in the afternoon. And I got a solid smiley face. WTH? How could I go from nothing to ovulating in less than a few hours? I called CCRM and they basically said to continue testing the next couple days (through the weekend) and to call them back on Monday. I continued to test but never got another positive reading. On Monday they sent orders for me to get an u/s to check and see if I had ovulated. So I went in on June 15th for that ultrasound and it showed that I had, indeed, ovulated. So YEAH! I started the estrogen patches and then on cycle day 25 started the ganarelix injections which I took for three days. I was scheduled to start my period on June 28th. Of course that didn't happen. I was in complete panic mode about how that would affect things. I called my nurse at CCRM right away on Monday morning and she said we could make some adjustments if it starts within a few days. Then miraculously it started the very next afternoon! I was so relieved. I called my nurse right away and we scheduled the suppression check ultrasound for Wed. of that week. If we were clear of cysts we'd start STIM drugs on Friday and I'd be on a plane to Colorado on Monday morning! I was still in shock and could not believe this was finally happening!
I went in on Wednesday for the suppression check. I told the ultrasound tech that I had started my period on Monday afternoon but it had been very light. I had my orders from CCRM and was so nervous as I've had a cyst before that delayed my cycle. The ultrasound took FOREVER and once she was finally done she told me to sit tight that the doctor may or may not want to see me. My heart immediately dropped. I was certain something was wrong as I never see the doctor during monitoring appointments. So after a few minutes the u/s tech came back in and told me to get dressed and then she'd take me to a waiting room and the doctor would come talk to me. By this point I was starting to really freak out. Did they find something terrible like a big ol' cancerous tumor?? Did my ovaries get eaten by all of the drugs I've taken the last two years and disappear?? I was regretting not having D come with me to the appointment. I was so freaked out I called him and told him something was wrong. Right as I was losing it to him on the phone the doctor walked in. I will never forgot her words as long as I live. "I have some surprising news - you're pregnant". I immediately told her that I can't get pregnant that's why I'm there. She then filled me in on the fact that they had seen a gestational sac in the ultrasound and that it was early but I was indeed pregnant. I just sat there staring at her in complete shock. She said that I could go to the lab to get the bloodwork done that CCRM had ordered for me (e2 and progesterone level check) and that they were adding a HCG test to that as well. At some point I started crying and she said she'd give me a few minutes to pull myself together. The walk to the lab was a complete blur. All I could think of is that the ultrasound had to be wrong and the HCG test would prove that. I gave a high level explanation of what was happening to the girl drawing my blood and she told me that we'd have the results in an hour. So I left and literally went and sat in my car. I didn't want to call D back because I didn't know what to say! So I text him and just told him all was fine. He totally bought that because I may have a tendency to over react on a regular basis. As I was sitting there trying to figure out what to do with myself (because obviously there was no WAY I could go back to work) I got a text from my sweet friend Amanda just checking in on me. Her timing could not have been more perfect. I completely unloaded on her and even though she had to be in complete shock as well she totally talked me through it. I called back in an hour and got my HCG level. They told me it was 4200. Once again - WHAT? That was WAY too high. I asked if they didn't mean 420 and they said no it was definitely 4200. After a quick consult with Dr. Google we discovered that number was in line with being around 5.5 weeks pregnant and since I had started my period on June 1st and it was currently July 1st we thought I was somewhere around 4.5 weeks. I called CCRM and gave them the news. After they received all of the information from my doctor's office here my amazing nurse Cindy (does anyone else have her?! If you EVER end up at CCRM and are a patient of Dr. Schoolcraft requrest this woman! She is an angel sent from heaven specifically for all of us infertiles). Cindy was completely ecstatic for me while also managing to be cautious. She told me her initial thoughts were that with a HCG level that high they should have seen more than just a gestational sac. She felt as if a fetal pole and yolk sac should have been present. CCRM's protocol was to wait a week and have another ultrasound done. After I got off the phone with her I went and bought a pregnancy test. I had to see it with my own eyes. I got one of the digital ones that says pregnant and then tells you in weeks how far along you are. I knew taking it in the middle of the day vs. first morning would probably affect the results but I just had to see. Sure enough it came up pregnant and said 2-3 weeks (which is from conception, not from your last period). Even after all of this I was still in denial. I was finally starting to believe I was actually pregnant but I also knew that there was a disconnect between the HCG level and the ultrasound. I finally went home to wait for D. When he walked in the house I told him that I figured out why I had been feeling so awful the last week or so (I had been SO moody, emotional, and three mornings in a row was so nauseous I couldn't even eat breakfast - I had chalked it up to the estrogen patches). I showed him the test and he just looked at it blankly. He finally said "I don't get it". When I told him I was pregnant it was with my usual "cautiously optimistic" attitude. Yes I was pregnant but this was still me. And of course it couldn't be cut and dry. I explained everything that happened and told him that basically all we could do is wait for the ultrasound to see if things were progressing. Neither one of us smiled or laughed. We didn't celebrate. We were both crippled with fear. This was everything we've been wanting, dreaming of, right in front of us. Could we really be this lucky? It just didn't seem likely.
So the next morning when I got to work I decided to call my OBGYN to inform her of what was going on (I was being monitored for CCRM at the local hospital since it's right next door to my work and super convenient). Once I filled in the receptionist she said that she would let my doctor know and someone would call me back. I guess I should also mention that my OBGYN is A-MAZING. She has an IVF baby herself and she completely "gets" it. She called me back HERSELF in just a little over an hour and said why don't I come in tomorrow morning. So I made an appointment for Friday morning. When she walked in the exam room she happily hugged and congratulated me. I immediately corrected her and explained that the HCG numbers and the ultrasound weren't adding up. She quickly dismissed my concerns and told me that she had a patient with an HCG level of 16,000 and they couldn't see anything in the ultrasound. She said that every person and every pregnancy is different. Then she asked if it would provide some comfort if we did another ultrasound on Monday. After I burst into tears I finally told her that would be amazing. So she had them draw some blood and then told me to come back on Monday and we'd draw again and do the sono. For whatever reason surviving the weekend knowing we'd have an answer first thing Monday morning was WAY easier than waiting until Thursday like CCRM ordered me to do. The weekend passed in a blur of nerves and fears and Monday came quicker than I thought was possible. As D and I sat in the waiting room I was literally shaking. We had talked it to death and were prepared for any outcome. We had chosen to look at this as a "bonus" opportunity and were taking it as a good sign. I got pregnant. On my own. If this worked than we were one of the lucky ones. If not, then we'd continue to move forward with our CCRM plan. We saved the money, we knew our odds, and if this didn't work out it changed nothing. When they called us back to the sono room I thought we both were going to throw up before we made it. The tech introduced herself and started to explain that being only 5 weeks along we most likely wouldn't be able to see much. I quickly filled her in on the situation and watched as her expression turned serious. I found myself reassuring her that we were prepared either way and just ready for some answers. Once we got started she turned the screen and with a very relieved voice quickly pointed out the baby to us. She did some quick measurements and the baby was measuring right at 6 weeks on the dot. 6 weeks!! WHAT the WHAT? Then she got super excited and said that she could even see the tiny flickering of the baby's heart. I was still recovering from the 6 week shock and evidently was squeezing D's hand so hard he had to tap me on the shoulder so I'd release some pressure. When I turned and looked at him I saw the biggest smile EVER on his face. The tech kept asking us if we saw the heart beat. We both said yes even though we confided in each other that neither of us could really see it. All that mattered was that SHE saw it! I got dressed and my OB was waiting outside the door for me with a huge hug. She took me back to an exam room and we had our first official appointment. Since I was a new OB patient for her she said she wanted me to come back in 1-2 weeks for another appointment. I asked if we'd do another sono and she said we could if that would ease my anxiety. Seriously I would have kissed this woman if she would have come close enough! So I made the appointment for the middle of the following week knowing there was no way I'd make it two weeks but trying to make it longer than one. We were on cloud nine for the rest of Monday and actually most of Tues. By Wednesday the fear had set back in and on Thurs. afternoon I was having some cramping. I left work a little early and went home and took a nap and it seemed to improve. Friday I decided to work from home and the cramping started up first thing in the morning. Around lunchtime I finally broke down and called the doctor's office. I know some mild cramping is normal but this was definitely more than mild. The nurse at my doctor's office said she was delivering a baby and they don't have a sono tech on Fridays anyway. She instructed me to drink a lot of water, stay in bed, and if they became severe to go to the ER. We contemplated going several times but when push came to shove I knew there was nothing they could do to STOP it if I was miscarrying so I chose just to stay in bed and take it easy. By Friday night the cramps had definitely gotten better. Saturday I just had a couple of small episodes. Sunday and Monday I felt GREAT. Which only worried me more. Monday afternoon I called my doctor's office to see if they could move my Wed. appointment up to Tues morning. They shifted some things around and were able to get me in at 10am on Tues. Sitting in the waiting room that morning felt the same but also different than the week before. Before we were both still in shock and denial I think. After seeing the baby and being told it's heart was beating we were far more invested than the week before. We were both too nervous to even speak in the waiting room. We just sat there clutching hands. They called us back and I felt like I was on an episode of Groundhog Day when I told the cheerful tech that I had some significant cramping last week and we were very worried. However this time as soon as the wand was inserted and the baby came into focus you could CLEARLY see it's tiny heartbeat going so fast. Huge sigh of relief and some tears on my part. The baby's heartbeat was 129 which they said was great. At 7 weeks it's typically supposed to be between 90-110 and at 8 weeks between 120 and 160. We were 7 weeks 1 day at that point. She was trying to get some measurements but the way the baby was situated in the sac was really hard. The measurements came in at 6 weeks 5 days so behind schedule. The tech nor the doctor were concerned since the heart beat was strong and the baby wasn't really cooperating. So more celebrations in the office (seriously can I just move in there for the duration of this?). We went over all of the first trimester screening options and she said to come back at 10 weeks and we'd do the blood work for that. D just flat out said "She's not going to make it until then". My wonderful, caring, amazing doctor just laughed and said how about you come back in two weeks and we'll do another ultrasound. Seriously I may leave D for this woman. I'm not sure I've ever loved another human this much. So...here we are. They are telling me I am 8 weeks 2 days pregnant. There's still a huge part of me that can NOT believe this is happening. Obviously I'm still terrified. I have at least one major breakdown per day. But I also have fleeting moments of hope and happiness. This is further than we've ever gotten before. Three retrievals, five transfers of 8 total embryos. One chemical and one miscarriage. During that pregnancy my beta started SO low (12, 59, then 177). At the 7 week ultrasound there was nothing there. I most likely miscarried soon after the third beta. But here we are. We are THAT couple. The one that conceives on their own after YEARS of treatment and trying. It seems completely impossible. This is the kind of stuff that happens to everyone BUT me. And while I'm hopeful, I really truly am, I still can't force myself to let my guard down. We all know what it feels like to know too much, to want this SO bad. And honestly the only ending I"m familiar with is the bad ones. I know how to keep trying. I know how to prep myself physically and emotionally for the drugs, the side effects, the stress. What I don't know is how to be pregnant. It's something I'm praying I can learn.
*~*~*~*DISCLOSURE - If you know me in real life we are obviously not ready to tell ANYONE this news yet so we ask that you please keep it to yourself ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
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