Letting go of the Worries

It's Monday also known as 8 weeks 4 days!  I survived the weekend which included a bachelorette party for my future sister in law.  Fake drinking is HARD girls.  I'm pretty sure a few of the girls were suspicious but it is what it is.  I managed to stay out with the group until 11:30pm but then I gave in and went back to the hotel.  Yesterday I slept from 11:30-3:30 in the afternoon and still fell asleep on the couch before 9pm.  So.  Tired.  I'm still have really sore boobs, and just a general feeling of ickiness most days.  But no throwing up yet which is good I guess.  I'd gladly puke my guts out every day if it gave me some reassurance but honestly I don't think anything is capable of that.

As I mentioned in my last post I am not scheduled to go back to the doctor until the Wed. before Thanksgiving.  I decided this morning that just wasn't going to work.  I just couldn't wait that long without knowing if the babies were okay.  So I called my OB today and they scheduled me for a sono tomorrow morning.  I feel a little bit crazy but honestly I don't even care.  I'm hoping and praying so hard that everything is still good and it will offer me a little bit of reassurance.  I can't even think about the alternative.

Realistically I know that at some point I am going to have to go longer than 7 days but I just decided that doesn't need to be in the first trimester.  My hope is after we get through 12 weeks I'll feel a little bit better and will be able to make it the 2 weeks between appointments.  There's really no reason for me to be anxious.  I haven't had any bleeding, my symptoms haven't gone away.  I have been having what I'd call a pulling or stretching sensation along with some pressure in my uterus.  It's not painful so I wouldn't call it cramps but it has been pretty consistent the last two days.  The hope is it's just things stretching and growing in there but with everything that's happened I just can't rest easy.  A part of me wonders that even if everything is okay if I'll ever be able to relax.

The Power of Prayer

You guys.  God is SO good.  As are all of the amazing people in our life who love, support and pray for us.  Every single one of our prayers were answered today.  The babies are both doing great.  They are BOTH measuring exactly the same at 8 weeks (1.53cm) which is actually a day ahead!  Baby A's heartbeat was 148 and Baby B's (I really need to come up with better names for them!) was 160.  I could tell right away that they have both grown SO much!  We confirmed that there are two yolk sacs which as I mentioned before is a strong indicator that there is a membrane separating them.  The yolk sacs are actually overlapping - one is in front of the other.  They are the blob between the babies in the sono picture.

I don't really have words for my feelings.  Of course the worry and fear has not left.  But aside from that I'm feeling just completely overwhelmed with joy and hope, happiness and love.  I find myself in tears on and off all day long just thinking about them.  And even though the fear and anxiety is always present I'm doing my best to really ENJOY this pregnancy as much as I can.  D walks around beaming from ear to ear.  He's so so happy you guys.  I know that we both have had some dark times but I guess I hadn't realized just how much this has affected him until now.  Until I see him rejoicing and filled with hope.  And to know that I am a part of giving him a gift that has made him this happy just overwhelms me.  In my darkest times I've felt as if this wasn't happening for us because I didn't deserve it.  And the fact that he does, so much, more than anyone in this world just broke me.  To be able to help heal his shattered heart, it just fills me up.  I love this man so much and he will be the very best father.  Of that I am sure. (cue more uncontrollable tears).

So this is where we are.  I'm amazed and in awe and so very thankful for our current state.  I know it's still so early and a lot can happen but for today we celebrate and give thanks.  One day at a time, one milestone at a time.

We will go back to see my OB in 2 weeks for another sono.  If everything is good we'll do our first trimester screenings then.  They also are calling in a referral for me to the Maternal Fetal Specialist.  They will call me to set up an appointment but they warned me they probably won't want to see me until 12 weeks.  Between the two offices I'll have appointments every two weeks and ultrasounds to hear the heartbeats at each appointment.  Two weeks is feeling SO far away right now.  But I am hopeful that the time passes quickly and I'm praying every second that God continues to help these babies grow and development and that they are healthy.

Twins.  Can you believe it?

Feeling all the Feels

Feeling all the Feels.  I love this expression as there's usually so many different emotions tied to the BIG events or circumstances in our lives.  This seems especially true for my current situation.  Today I am 7 weeks 4 days (note the use of my present term vs. the word *should* - that's my positivity people!).  I think the shock of the news is slowly starting to wear off.  I'm still constantly looking at the ultrasound pictures in awe but it feels more real to me.  Physically I feel like I'm getting bigger everyday.  My fitted clothes are definitely uncomfortable and my waist seems to be disappearing fast.  I've gained approx. 4lbs already which feels like A LOT to me.  However I still think a portion of this can be attributed to bloating.  I've been feeling pretty crappy overall which is great news!  My boobs have been very sore, I've been really tired and just feel..... off.  Still no morning sickness or even really any nausea.  It's more that nothing sounds good to eat.  But I am constantly STARVING.  But when I do eat I feel like I get full really quickly.  Like I can't eat another bite but I'm still hungry.  It's the oddest thing.  I did read an article that all this is common in twin pregnancies.  In fact I was shocked that the whole article described everything I've been feeling.  So that was reassuring.

Saturday I had a good day where I felt pretty good.  As the day went on I noticed that my boobs weren't hurting at all.  Not really even a little bit.  Of course that sent me into a spiral of my pregnancy symptoms were disappearing and we had lost BOTH babies and how the hell was I ever going to deal with that.  Poor D did the best he could to talk me off the ledge.  By that evening I felt like my boobs were starting to hurt again and yesterday everything was back in full force and I was feeling awful and slept from 11am-2pm and still went to bed at 8:45 and slept until 6am this morning (Of course I got up to pee twice).  So I'm praying constantly that both babies are growing and developing and everything is going well.

Enough of the BAD feelings and onto the good.  Obviously when we think about the concept of this actually working out we are overcome with excitement.  I'm not naive guys.  I know having twins would be HARD.  I know we'll be exhausted and overwhelmed and terrified for a million new reason when (not IF, but when) they get here.  But truly this is a dream come true for us.  Looking past the first trimester (which is obviously very hard for me) I know there's a lot of potential complications just with the pregnancy alone, not to mention the babies if they come early.  I've done my research on the different type of twins.  You can see from the sono picture below it appears both babies are in the same amniotic sac.  If that is in fact the case that would make them MoMoTwins (monoamniotic).  Basically they would share the same sac and placenta and they are very high risk due to the possibility of cord entanglement.  However at this early stage it can be difficult to see the membrane that separates the sacs.  It's more likely to see it between 8-10 weeks and a lot of times they won't be able to tell until your second trimester.  In addition we saw 2 yolk sacs at our last ultrasound which is not a guarantee but a good indicator there will be two sacs.  Honestly none of that is scaring me at the moment.  All I am concerned with is that they BOTH keep growing.  If God can just bless us with two healthy babies we will get through whatever difficulties and obstacles come our way.  I know we can do this.

So aside from the terror and the excitement there's also wonder, curiosity, anxiety, hope, anticipation, HAPPINESS, and finally So.  Much.  Love.  I love both these little babies so much you guys.  They already have my whole heart and there's nothing I want more than to bring them both into this world.
I feel like I have asked so much of you guys but I'm again asking you to continue to pray for these little love bugs.  Our next sono is Wednesday morning when I'll be 7 weeks 6 days.  Below is our sono picture from last Wednesday!

(That blob in between them is Baby B's yolk sac.  You can't see Baby A's in this picture).

Shock

I don't even know how to start this post.  Yesterday was definitely one of the most stressful days of my life.  I was sick to my stomach all day with worry about the pending ultrasound.  The day took forever and I couldn't concentrate on anything else.  Work was a complete disaster.  Finally it was time for me to leave and head to the appointment.  D was waiting for me in the parking lot.  When we got there I had to pee of course so I went back to use the restroom and saw my doctor when I was walking out.  She took one look at me and dropped everything and came over to give me a hug.  She just told me to take a couple deep breaths and they'd get me back there as soon as possible.  I returned to the waiting room and we sat there for what felt like forever.  Finally they called us back and it was a new sono tech that I hadn't met or dealt with before.  She asked how far along I was and I immediately just started spilling our whole story to her.  Like I needed to prepare HER in case it was bad news.  She left so I could get undressed and I was literally shaking all over.  When she finally came back and we got started as soon as she put the wand in I was searching the screen for the sac, which I saw right away and I could see a small white blob in it.  As she was zooming in she said "Oh I see a little heartbeat".  I immediately got tears in my eyes and said "You do??"  She confirmed and then I will never forget what happened next..........

She said "And there's the other one....I thought I saw two".

Silence.  Confusion.  Finally I was like "Are you serious?"  And she said "Yep, here's the first baby and there's the second.  I see heartbeats for both but we will measure and listen to them separately".  At some point I said my husband's name in a panicked tone and I remember him saying "It's okay, it's okay".  I'm not sure either of us said much after that.  I'm pretty sure we're still in shock.  I just cannot believe it.  Twins.  Naturally.  Wow.

Yesterday I was 6 weeks 6 days.  Baby A was measuring 6 weeks 2 days with a heartbeat of 115 (they said they just wanted to see it over 100 at this point).  Baby B was measuring 6 weeks 5 days with a heartbeat of 128.  Obviously I'm a little concerned about baby A measuring behind but no one else seemed to be at all.  I am just praying so hard that he or she continues to grow grow grow this week.

I feel greedy but I want them both.  So So badly.  Being 35 and with our history I had basically come to peace with it being a miracle if we got one baby.  I had let go of my dreams of having more than one child and pushed aside my sadness of that child not having a sibling.  But once I saw those little heartbeats I was done.  It feels selfish and greedy and like I'm asking for SO much but I want them both in my arms in approx. 30 weeks.

Here in my "safe" spot I'll be completely honest and vulnerable that the thought did cross my  mind that with two maybe, just maybe one of them will actually make it.  It feels completely unrealistic to me to think that both of these beautiful tiny little specks of life will make it.  But once again, I want them both so much.  I am praying with everything in me that next week at our second sono they BOTH have strong heartbeats and good growth.  Obviously this all just seems too good to be true but I can't help but to hope and wonder......is this my redemption story?

The Day Before

We've made it to the day before our first ultrasound.  We originally were hoping to get in for the sono on Monday but with D's work schedule we really needed an afternoon appointment so they scheduled it for tomorrow afternoon.  I *should* be 6 weeks and 6 days.  To say I'm nervous or anxious is a huge understatement.  I'm basically sick to my stomach when I even think about sitting in the waiting room much less walking into the sono room.  I alternate several times an hour between thinking everything is fine and that it's doomed.  Here's what I've been telling myself for reassurance.

1.  I've had no bleeding AND my progesterone levels have been good so I'm not taking any shots or suppositories that could essentially be keeping me from bleeding if something is wrong.  

2.  I've had no major cramping or pain.  I have had twinges but I would call them mild and they only last for a minute.  I did have some back pain this weekend but it wasn't severe and could have been from me laying around and doing literally NOTHING all weekend.

3.  My boobs still hurt.  Once again no progesterone supplements that I can blame this on.  They are definitely bigger and still hurt consistently. Although some times during the day much worse than others.  

4.  I'm more tired this time than I"ve ever been.  I've heard a lot of pregnant women talk about how they are so tired they just completely Can.  Not.  Function.   While it definitely hasn't been that extreme for me I have been more tired than usual.  

That's all I got.  Really no nausea or morning sickness.  No food aversions although sometimes nothing at all sounds good to eat.  

So that would lead me to reasons I would believe things aren't okay

1.  It's me.

That's all I've got.  My past and history are the red flags and really the only signal to me that everything isn't okay.  But it's a pretty big one.  I have definitely been trying to stay positive and hopeful and I think I've been doing a good job.  While also recognizing how scared I am and trying to be realistic.  While the thought of the sono is absolutely terrifying at least we'll have some more information one way or another.  So between now and then all of your prayers are greatly appreciated.  

The Imposter

I started this post yesterday but since I have the results from beta #4 I'll lead with that.  It came back at 13,760 and my progesterone was 26.  My nurse who called me said the numbers looked "perfect" but I was panicked because if it continued to double it should have been higher.  But after some consulting Dr. Google I found this which provided some comfort.


"As your pregnancy develops, the hcg increase slows down significantly. Between 1,200 and 6,000 mIU/ml serum, the hCG usually takes about 72-96 hours to double, and above 6,000 mIU/ml, the hCG often takes over four or more days to double. It makes little sense to follow the hCG values above 6,000 mIU/ml as at this point the increase is normally slower and not related to how well the pregnancy is doing."

So I'm going to choose to believe my nurse that everything is progressing fine.  We scheduled an ultrasound for a week from today.  I should be 6 weeks 6 days at that point.  I'm not even going to try to go in to my feeling about walking back into the sono room.  That is for a post for another day.  Below is what I started last night......


These past few months have been filled with so many different emotions that there's no way I could tackle them all in one blog post (nor do most of you have the attention span to listen to that much rambling!).  But one of the major issues/feelings I've been struggling with lately is feeling out of place.  You see for the last couple of years my primary focus has been on our infertility.  As soon as I got my diagnosis (elevated FSH) I began researching like a crazy person.  It didn't take me long to find this amazing community and to jump head first into absorbing all of your stories and advice.  Soon there after I began my own blog and started forming some solid friendships based on these shared circumstances.  I found comfort in the fact that I wasn't facing this alone and that there were others out there that understood how I felt.  Others that had walked in my shoes and not only survived, but found a way to make their dreams come true.  In July when I found myself pregnant naturally after I got over the initial shock I thought "maybe I am one of the lucky ones".  Not that I consider 2+ years of infertility treatments and failed cycles "lucky".  But maybe this miraculous occurrence was it for us and we wouldn't have to face the stress and anxiety of another cycle (much less spend the 10's of thousands of dollars!).  When I left the devastating ultrasound where there was no heartbeat I distinctly remember thinking how stupid I was to think I could actually escape my infertility.  And although I was devastated by that loss I remember how comfortable it was to slip my cloak of infertility back on.  This is what I know, what I've become comfortable with.  I understand protocols and hormone levels and I know what our odds of success are.  So while I wasn't exactly excited to be back on the bus at least my seat was one I was familiar with.

Fast forward to two weeks ago when I got my second positive pregnancy test.  I touched on my initial post how my first reaction was one of anger.  I just could not believe this was happening AGAIN.  All the pain from the last miscarriage was still so raw.  I just sat there crying thinking I can NOT go though this again.  I won't survive it.  But of course I did.  We got the first beta and then the second and then the third.  Slowly symptoms started to appear.  My breasts got more and more sore, food became less and less appealing.  I started going to bed earlier and noticing I was increasing more tired.  Of course with each passing day and each milestone you begin to hope more and more.  

I thought several times about posting an update on my blog and one thing always stopped me.  Being infertile and getting pregnant on your own once - that's a fluke.  That happens.  We celebrate that and are here to cheer the person on and support them with our thoughts and prayers.  But getting pregnant twice in a row......  where does that leave me?  I worried that my news would be hurtful or annoying to my sisters who are still in the trenches.  I've always had this vision of once we finally had a successful transfer and made it WELL past the first trimester I would magically have the courage and strength to speak out about our situation.  I would become the advocate that I've always wanted to be for infertility.  Part of the reason that this blog is anonymous is because my husband isn't comfortable with having this very personal issue public.  But there are other reasons as well.  I'm not sure my heart can handle the response from people who aren't educated on infertility and it's treatments.  I'm not sure I can handle the well meaning advice from people who haven't walked this path.  I've also constantly struggled through every failed cycle feeling like I'm disappointing those closest to me with the failure.  Between that and carrying around their sadness I feel like I would drown.

But infertility awareness is something I've become so passionate about.  Having this community and knowing there's so many other women struggling with this has been life support for me.  And I WANT to give back.  I always thought once I had my miracle baby I would be able to do that.  If this pregnancy is viable and God willing we end up with our miracle baby does that disqualify me from the club?  I still FEEL infertile.  My test results and history prove that I am.  If I get and manage to stay pregnant naturally I"m not sure where that leaves me......
 

Looking Back

This month has been a time of reflection for me.  For the first time on this journey I've allowed myself to look at where we started, how far we've come, and of course how far we have to go.  2 1/2 years, 31 months, 961 days.  It's a small period of time in the grand scheme of life.  But for us this time has passed with pain, heartbreak, and small pockets of hope that were snuffed out so quickly.  Each passing month, let's be honest each passing day, is one day too long that we've been in this fight to grow our family.  It feels like so much longer than 2 1/2 years.  However when I look back at this time in our life this is what I see:

3 fresh IVF retrievals
5 transfers of 8 embryos
1 natural pregnancy
1 chemical pregnancy
2 miscarriages
Countless blood draws, tests, procedures, ultrasounds,injections, and drugs
Hours of worry
An ocean of tears
Endless waiting

I wouldn't wish this heartbreak and pain on anyone.  But, as it usually goes with life, there is also a silver lining.  Although when I measure these past 2 1/2 years I do it in treatments, cycles, and disappointments when I look at the above list I see something else.

Unconditional love
Strength beyond comprehension
Endurance that can't be measured
Hope that refuses to be extinguished
Persistence
Fight
Support
Encouragement

Although this rocky road was NOT in our plan when we said I Do, today I look at my husband in a whole new light.  This man has stood by me when it would have been so much easier to walk away.  He has seen me at my worst, dragged me out of dark hole after dark hole.  He's held me when I cried, made me laugh through my tears.  Our love, our marriage, is so strong. And for that I am grateful.

They say you don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only choice.  And that is exactly right.  It takes strength to endure the disappointments and get up every day to continue to face them.  It takes endurance to start yet another cycle of pills, injections, uncontrollable hormones, and so much unknown. To hope when all the odds are against you, when others are telling you to give up.  To have the kind of persistence to try again.  To continue to fight this battle when your body and soul are broken and so very tired.  Some may call me stupid but I am proud of these characteristics that have come to define us.

Finally when I look back at what we've been through on this journey I see support and encouragement.  No, not everyone understands what we are going through or why we continue on.  And they don't need to, it's not for them.  But others, our families, our closest friends, and this amazing community continue to offer support and encouragement.  They are the light for us in this dark tunnel.  It's what allows us to continue on.  For that I am so very thankful.  

I find myself looking to all of you again for your support and prayers.  This month I find myself pregnant, again, naturally.  As we prepped the second time for our first cycle at CCRM this time I took a pregnancy test before starting injections after what happened last time.  And it was positive.  To say I was shocked doesn't even begin to describe my feelings.  In this space where I can be transparent I'll tell you our first reaction was anger.  We had managed to get through the hell that was the last miscarriage.  I was physically recovered and we were mentally ready to start our journey at CCRM.  We knew they are were our best chance.  And now not only was this another delay but most likely more of the gut wrenching heartache and disappointment.

Now that we've had a couple of weeks to absorb the news our anger and confusion has morphed slowly into hope.  While realistically I know that we have a high risk of miscarriage there's still something inside of me saying this could be IT.  I pray throughout the day and at night when sleep eludes me that I'll get to meet this life that God has blessed me with.  For regardless of what happens with this pregnancy I am blessed to carry this life for the short term or the long.  I tested two days before my expected period and when I got the positive immediately called my OB.  I went in for a blood test and my beta was at 66.  Two days later (the day my period was expected to arrive) our beta had more than doubled and was at 166.  A week later we were over 3600.  With each passing day and each milestone I find more hope in my heart.  The fear is still there and will overtake me at a moments notice if I let it.  But I am strong,  I have endurance,  I will persist.  I will fight.  And I will hope with everything in me that this is it for us.

Your thoughts and prayers are greatly appreciated during this time.  We'll have a fourth beta this week and if all is progressing as it should our fist ultrasound will be next week.