4 Month Fun

Lately I've been spending a lot of time contemplating my conflicting emotions.  Time is passing so fast.  My babies are no longer infants and are quickly approaching mobility.  And while there will always always be an ache in my heart for those tiny little NICU babies and the swarm of emotions I felt when I held them, I have to say I'm loving all the new firsts.

I always considered myself a baby person.  And in the first couple months of my boys' lives I seriously just wanted time to stop.  I could have spent an eternity just holding their teeny tiny little bodies and staring at their sweet newborn faces.  I was in my absolute glory.  I mourned waking up each morning knowing they were a day older.  Everyone kept telling me that it only gets better.  Imagine my surprise when it turns out that everyone is right!  (Amanda I'm mostly talking to you).

The boys turned 4 months old on September 20th.  4 months rocks ya'll.  They are laughing.  Like belly laughing, out of control giggles that make my heart want to explode.  They have found their feet and I"m pretty sure the cutest thing in the entire world is them laying on their backs, grabbing them and then rolling side to side.  They also now can be occupied with toys!  They will reach up and grab at toys hanging above them (with both hands and feet!) and can hold toys in their hands and shake them.  Speaking of hands they are in their mouth constantly.  Funny enough they suck/chew on their fingers vs. a thumb.  But they pretty much constantly have a hand in their mouth.  We also started cereal.  I'm sure I'm mentioned before that these boys are STARVING.  Like so hungry you guys.  They get 5 oz bottles every 3 hours and still act like they haven't eaten in days.  The cereal has been a big hit and it's making a big difference with their reflux which is awesome.  I've read all the research and articles that say that cereal isn't necessary and it's empty calories and doesn't help babies sleep but I beg to differ.  Because my guys have slept from 10-5:30am since we started (with the exception of the week of sickness - which I'll get into later).  So yeah for cereal - they love it, we get a huge kick out of feeding them, and everyone is sleeping.  That's a WIN.

We busted out the little jumpy exersaucer thing and Braxton is obsessed.  We shove a pillow behind him since he's still a little small for it and he will jump in that thing for HOURS.  He absolutely loves it and gets going so fast and high it sometimes makes me a little nervous.  But he will laugh and hit at the toys and lights and jump jump jump until he's basically exhausted.  As soon as I lift him out his eyes are closing and he's out for the count!

Brody has fallen in love with himself.  The other day my dad held a mirror in front of him for, I kid you not, an hour and a half and he smiles and talked and laughed the entire time.  He can be in a screaming fit and if you can coax him to open his eyes long enough to register the mirror he will stop cold and go straight to smiling and laughing.  My dad claims he's getting him a giant mirror for Christmas this year.  :)

As I hinted above 4 months also brought our first bout of sickness.  Sadly I brought it home and gave it to the boys.  We've been struggling for a couple weeks with nasty coughs and snotty noses.  No fun.  I was so proud of my first time mom self when they got sick.  I assessed the situation and calmly made the judgment call that it was just a cold and nothing the doctor could do and we'd just fight through it.  Well cue day 5 when they were so stuffed up they could barely breath and their coughs sounded like a barking seal.  We took them to the after hour peds office that night.  Where the very sweet nurse practitioner spent 20 minutes with us looking them completely up and down to announce that they do, in fact, have a cold.  I feel like I should get credit for holding off for 5 days though.  

Four weeks in back at work and I think I'm finally ready to talk about it.  It's going....okay.  Everyone is surviving.  We take the boys to our very sweet babysitter Mon-Wed.  She has a 4 year old boy who goes to afternoon preschool and a 15 month old little girl.  Her kids are the sweetest and they love the boys.  We drop them off in the morning and they immediately all lay down on the floor together.  Her kids will spend hours just talking to the babies and holding toys above them and the boys will just laugh and smile.  Very sweet.  On Thursdays my parents come to our house and watch them which is working out great. I hoarded all my vacation days and am taking every Friday off for the rest of the year.  Come January I'll have to start working 5 days again and my mom will keep them Thurs and Friday.  Which really sucks because I think if I could work a 4 days week I would be okay with that schedule.  But that's not in the cards so I'll just be grateful for the time I have now.  I love my Fridays off with them and look forward to it all week long.  (Well except when you have two sick  babies and I'm by myself because that's not fun for anyone trust me).  

So that's the recap of life at 4 months!  Needless to say it's pretty great.  And instead of wanting to freeze time I find myself looking forward to the next stage(s).  I'm excited for them to be able to sit up unassisted and am looking forward for when they start clapping their hands.  They can hold off on crawling because let's be honest I'm completely screwed when that starts!  But I'm sure we'll figure it out just like everything else.  

What update would be complete without some pictures?!

 Braxton 4 months

 Baby Giggles

 Big Boys

Brody 4 Months

A Questionable Forever

As I sat in the rocking chair with one of the babies last night the usual thought popped into my head - "Soak up this feeling!  Hold on to this moment.  Remember how everything about it feels"  I often find these thoughts popping into my head during normal everyday activities with my boys.  I know part of it is because everyone tells you it goes so fast.  And twin moms will tell you most of them don't even remember the first year - it was just a blur of survival.  And boy do I feel that sometimes.  But the realization I came to is for me, it goes beyond that.

Obviously we went through a lot of heartache, disappointment, questioning, and pain before the arrival of our two miracles.  Having suffered 3 miscarriages it's really no wonder that I spent my entire pregnancy waiting for something horrific to happen.  Everyone told me during pregnancy that this was just the beginning of the worrying.  "Wait until they get here" they said.  And I always thought to myself "At least then I can see them - prove to myself that they are okay".  To me that was a huge relief.  And I knew I'd still worry but having them physically in front of me seemed like a much lighter weight.  Turns out we were both right.

I can tell you that now with them here when my anxiety starts to get the best of me it's a relief to be able to pick them up.  To be able to look down at them and see them smiling at me and reassure myself that for now, in this moment, we are fine.  However there's still a part of me that feels like they could somehow be taken from me at any moment.  I find myself feeling stressed and anxious about having to do it ALL as if it will be my only chance.  I don't talk about their future down the road further than the  next month.  I can't envision them walking, talking, going off to school.  It still feels like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.  And that every second I have with them is so precious because it may be my last one.

We recently lost a dear friend of ours.  He was 33 years old.  He was my husband's best friend since elementary school.  They grew up together, went to college together, stood up in each other's weddings, and spent all of their free time together.  Through my husband he became a huge part of my life.  His wife became one of my closest friends.  The four of us did everything together.  We helped each other through hardships none of us ever thought we'd have to endure.  We were there for each other.  And I take comfort in the fact that so many people have told us that when they were with the four of us they could feel the love we had for each other.  The easy way we laughed and joked.  The affection we had for each other.  And the strength of our friendship.

Losing this friend, so young, so quickly, so unfairly has only reinforced that forever is not guaranteed.  Yes we "beat" infertility.  I, finally, was able to carry a pregnancy to term.  And the fear and worry associated with just getting them HERE is finally behind me.  But there's no promise of a happily ever after ending.  And while it may not be the healthiest outlook to live life being aware that catastrophe could strike at any moment I'm embracing it.  In memory of the babies I lost, in memory of my friend gone too soon I will recognize that time is fleeting.  And I'll live my life to the fullest to honor them.  I will set the phone down.  Turn off the TV.  Let the dishes sit in the sink and the laundry wrinkle in the dryer.  Because there's nothing more important than this family that we fought for.  Yes forever is questionable.  But I will live each day knowing that however long my forever is - I'm making the most of it.

What it's all about

Somehow in what feels like overnight my babies have turned three months old. This past month has been filled with what I'm slowly learning motherhood is all about. Joy. Frustration. Love. Tears (both happy and sad) Fulfillment. Exhaustion. Worry. Stress. Fear. Hope. Happiness. Did I say Love?  

How has so much changed in such a short time. This month we struggled with the onset of reflux. It.  Is.  Terrible.  After a lot of trial and error and a set back we have it mostly under control.  Feeding time is definitely not my favorite as they both still fight you when being burped and sometimes I can tell they are in pain.  But we are working through it.  The good news is that it hasn't deterred them from eating at all (as you can tell from the pictures below - they don't miss any meals!).  And we've dramatically improved from when they would cry for an hour after every feeding.  

On a brighter note this month has brought ALL THE SMILES. Brody is my more easy going twin. All you really have to do is talk to him and he smiles so big his eyes squint shut. His toothless, gummy grin absolutely melts my heart. Sometimes when I'm feeding him I have to stop making eye contact with him because he just smiles the whole time and the bottle falls out of his mouth. Braxton has definitely been my more reserved twin. However the last week or so he's really been coming out of his shell and his smiles are coming more freely. He seems more thoughtful to me and like he's carefully listening to and weighing everything you say to him. I feel like he's a natural observer and doesn't miss a thing. He's still just a little bit more needy than Brody as far as Mama's time goes.  I think he's be our sweet and thoughtful one while Brody will be the comedian and more outgoing.      

It's really hard to believe that these boys were born 5 weeks premature. They are so chunky you

 guys. They have rolls for days and I seriously can not get enough of them. I can't believe how much they've grown and I continue to be shocked by the scale every time I weigh them. They are busting out of their 3 month clothes and fitting pretty comfortably into 6 months. They have moved up in to size 2 diapers. At some point I'm assuming they will start growing up rather than out, as there's not much further they can go in that direction! 

This month D also went back to work as the school year started. In addition he coaches football so that means he leaves the house around 7am and gets home around 6:30 ish. It's definitely been an adjustment for both me and the boys as they learn that there's only one person here now. I'm proud to say that while we still have difficult moments, for the most part we have a pretty good schedule down and are figuring it out. I go back to work 2 weeks from today - but I'm just not ready to talk about that. 

I'm trying desperately to think of something new and original to say about my motherhood journey but it all comes back to the same emotions and feelings of overwhelming love and gratitude. I will say that one of the most rewarding changes this month has been I feel like they have really started to prefer me. We've been fortunate to have so much help which has been amazing. But I did worry at one point that with so many people around all the time they wouldn't really know/understand who Mommy was. Those fears have definitely gone away this month. They not only clearly know who I am but their cries can be calmed (sometimes) just by seeing my face. They are starting to be a little picky about how is holding them and are now recognizing when Mommy is holding brother. 

While I'm loving where we are now there's so much I"m looking forward to. Them sitting up on their own (primarily to help with the reflux), when they start reaching for me, incorporating solids (they are SO hungry), and of course more of their personalities coming out.

In an effort to keep this as honest and real as possible I won't gloss over the not so great moments.  There's nights I only get a couple hours of broken sleep between the two of them.  There's days where they cry for the majority of the almost 12 hours that I'm home alone with them and I don't feel like I'll make it another moment.  There's frustration and hurt feelings when I can't calm one of them down.  And there's sometimes resentment after particularly hard days that Derek gets to shower and get out of the house and socialize.  But the good days out number the bad.  And I wouldn't change one second of it for the world.  This is what I wanted.  The good, bad and ugly.  This is what I fought for, prayed for, waited so long for.  This, in all it's entirely, is what it's all about.  This is my life you guys.  How lucky am I to live it?

All ready to watch Daddy's football team!

 

Braxton 2 months

Brody 2 months

GQ

All American Boys

Looking so handsome

Braxton 3 months

Brody 3 months

Will I Remember?

My babies turn 2 months old tomorrow.  TWO MONTHS.  How did this happen?  Where did the time go?  As I reflect on the last two months since I became a Mom I'm overwhelmed with emotions.  And all I can think is "Will I Remember"?

Will I remember the weight of their tiny bodies on my chest?  The way they curl their little bodies into mine.  How they wiggle searching for a comfortable position.  And their sweet sigh once they find it.

Will I remember these first baby baths?  The suspicious look on their faces as the warm water runs over them as they try to decide if they like it or not.  The smell of the baby wash and the feel of the tiny wash cloths.  How I move their little slippery bodies so carefully as I wash them clean.  The sweetness of holding them wrapped up in their hooded towels with water still damp on their face.

Will I remember the joy of our mornings together?  It's their favorite time of the day.  How I take my time stripping them of their pajamas, changing their diapers, putting lotion on them and dressing them for the day.  This time there is no rush.  We play music, I sing songs.  It may seem silly but it's my quality one on one time with each of them before the tasks and obligations of the day take over. So I take my time and enjoy the routine and try so very hard to soak it all in.

Will I remember the intensity of their watchful eyes?  How the color is such a deep blue that seems to change every day.  How they absorb every word I say..  How they turn their heads to follow me around the room.  The serious expressions when I talk to them and those early sweet baby smiles that are still few and far between.

Will I remember the love that consumes me as I watch my husband with them.  How he's so gentle as he lifts them up.  The look of love and wonder on his face as he talks to him.  The way he worries over the little things like I've never seen him do before.  How protective he is.  How hopelessly in love with them he is.

Will I remember the endless patience I've developed out of nowhere as I replace a pacifier for the 100th time?  Will I remember the way I've cried and ached in the moments when I can't seem to fix whatever is wrong?  Will I remember the feelings of purpose when I pick them up and they go from crying to calm just by being in my arms?

Will I remember what it feels like to be woken up out of a dead sleep by the smallest whimper?  The exhaustion of getting out of my warm bed at 2:34am.  Changing diapers in a dark nursery and not needing the light because it's become second nature.  Whispering to them in those quite hours in the middle of the night when it feels like you are the only ones in the world awake.  And watching them watching me while they eat with a look of such contentment - as if all is right in the world.

Will I remember rocking the bassinet from my bed silently praying for just another 15 min of sleep? Will I remember the endless amount of bottles to wash and laundry that needs to be done and how somehow I'm able to find joy in those tasks because they are for them?

Will I remember these first differences between them.  How Braxton seems to need just a little more cuddle time than my more independent Brody.  How Brody favors laying on your chest while Braxton prefers snuggling into my arms, his head resting on my breast.  The way Braxton snorts when he gets REALLY mad and how Brody's cries are quieter but cut just as deep.  The different ways they eat and burp.  But how they still sleep in the exact same positions even sometimes in separate rooms.

These moments are so fleeting.  The time is passing so quickly.  I wish I could slow it down but I know I can't.  So instead I try to be present.  To savor every moment - the joyful ones, the frustrating ones, the hard ones, the ones where my heart feels like it might burst with love.  These are the days.  The first days of their miraculous lives.  The first days of my life as a Mother.  These are the days.  And I will remember.

Love

They are here. This post is much delayed but I've been spending the last 26 days falling more in love than I ever thought possible. 

I waited my whole life for these moments. It's everything I ever wanted. And it's so much more than I imagined. I longed. I dreamt. I hoped. But I had no idea. There's nothing that can prepare you for this. The love. The gratitude. The shear wonder. I can't ever possibly put it into words. So I'll simply say that these have been the very best days of my life. And that every single struggle, every painful miserable day it took to get here was worth it 100 times over. I didn't know I could love like this. I didn't know I could be this fulfilled. I knew I always wanted to be a Mother. But I didn't know I was made for it. Until they were here. 

It's with so much joy and pride that I introduce you- my community, my strength, the light during my darkest days- to our miracles. Thank you sweet friends. Thank you for your support, your encouragement, your understanding.  And for giving me the hope and strength to continue on. 

Braxton Mitchell was born at 4:09pm on May 20th weighing 5lbs 0oz. His little brother was born 1 minute later weighing 4lbs 10oz. I'll share the full story in another post. 

They are our greatest gift, our biggest adventure, our everything. And this is the next chapter. 

Growing with Grace

There's things that happen every day in life that shape who you are as a person.  For me there's two significant experiences that have changed the course of my life, how I live it, and my overall perception.  For me these experiences were difficult and unhappy.  I think it's easy to grow in experiences that bring you joy.  The challenge is to grow with grace through the hard stuff.

The first experience was my divorce.  Yes, I was married for a brief period of time before D.  I met my ex-husband in my mid 20's and we were married and divorced before I was 30.  I don't have the excuse of marrying "young".  In fact I don't have an excuse at all.  He was brutally honest with me when we met that he never wanted to get married.  And having just gotten through a difficult break up that was fine with me.  But as the weeks of dating turned to months to years I realized I wanted more.  We broke up a couple different times over that very debate.  But when we got back together the last time he said that his feelings about marriage and family had changed and he not only wanted all that but was ready.  We were engaged 6 months later and after a year of blissful planning we were married.  However it wasn't 2 months into our marriage that things started to change.  He felt trapped by our marriage and resented having to account for another person when making decisions.  He began to pull away and I instinctively held on tighter.  I tried to give him space and basically let him do whatever he wanted without putting up any sort of fight all in the name of saving a marriage that was the furthest thing from healthy for either of us.  Finally after months of being a doormat I found my "mad".  Shortly after that I discovered that his "space" had amounted to at least one, if not more, affairs.  And upon hearing that news the strongest emotion I had was relief.  You see until that point I had kept most of our problems quiet - not wanting my family and friends to think badly of my then husband as I was sure we were going to work through our issues.  Once I realized that probably wasn't going to happen and I started thinking about explaining it to people I felt even more trapped.  How do you tell your (very Catholic) family that you are getting a divorce because he's "mean" or "doesn't want to spend enough (or frankly any) time with me".  Once I learned of his infidelity I had a socially acceptable reason to leave that no one would hold against me.  And while yes I was hurt, angry, and damaged I was also relieved.

Funny enough by the time I filed for divorce the worst was over.  It was the months living in silence - between him and I and my silence of what was happening to my support system - that did the most damage.  It was here that I learned that there's many forms of abuse outside of physical.  For the first time in my life I was failing, hopeless, depressed, and at a complete loss of how to "fix" it.  See that's what I am - a fixer.  There's no problem I can't help people work through.  Whether it's a personal problem in their relationship, an issue with their parents or kids, a work related problem, I'm the person everyone comes to for advice on how to fix it.  And not being able to fix my own personal issues was a huge blow to my self esteem and my sense of self worth.

Though the marriage only lasted a year those months were the some of the longest in my life.  And after going through many different phases of depression and grief I was forced to pick up the pieces.  I had to take a hard look at myself and what I wanted out of life.  Not what others wanted or expected of me, but what I wanted.  And what would make me happy again.  For I had completely forgotten what happy felt like.  Coming out of my broken marriage friends and family marveled at how strong I was.  But what they couldn't understand is it wasn't a choice but a requirement of survival.  By the time my divorce was finalized I was able to look back on the experience and acknowledge what I had learned.  I don't think my ex-husband is a terrible person.  In fact I think he loved me enough to try and be something he wasn't - take on something (marriage) that he didn't really want - for me.  I can see that by holding on tighter I pushed him further away.  I can see that there were a lot of red flags before we were married that I blatantly ignored.  And I can take my share of responsibility for the failure of that marriage.

The second experience has been of course our infertility journey.  I knew D through a mutual friend before and during my marriage.  When I got divorced our relationship started out friendly with him checking in on me to see how I was coping.  Our conversations became longer and longer and before I knew it I was head over heels in love.  In him I saw everything that was missing the first time around.  People may look at D and my ex-husband and think they are very similar.  They have common interests and backgrounds but internally they are very different.  D has a strong sense of family, empathy, concern, and the most inherent sense of right and wrong that I've ever known.  He's loyal to a fault (the man can hold a grudge forever if you hurt someone he loves) and he has a sense of optimism about him that reminds me of the girl I was before the divorce.  One of the lyrics of our wedding song says "You can be hurt by loved or healed by it too".  And that's exactly what happened.  He came into my life and healed my broken heart and spirit.  I'm sure there's plenty of people out there that would argue that I should have spent more time single, that I needed to learn to love myself before I loved someone else.  But that's not what happened.  And if I learned anything from my divorce it was that life was too short to be unhappy and if something brings you love and joy you should do whatever you can to hold on to it.

So before I knew it I found myself married again.  D and I both were ready to start a family right away.  It was something we both knew we wanted and considering I was 32 years old something we didn't want to put off.  Not because of fears of infertility but because we didn't want to be "old" parents.  Do to some other medicial issues we found out early that having a baby would be a challenge for us.  At the time I felt grateful that we didn't waste a whole year trying but could move forward quickly to "fix" the issue.  However after a few months of tests the recommendation for us was to go straight to IVF.  It was a tough pill to swallow but we did so without hesitation.  The situation wasn't ideal but we knew what we wanted and were willing to do whatever we had to for our family.  My gracious parents gave us the money we needed for round one and we started the journey excited.  I'm sure there was fear and worry somewhere inside but honestly all I remember from the beginning was the excitement and the certainty that this was going to be how we started our family.  Obviously that wasn't what happened.

I won't recap our entire journey - most of you know the details.  What I will say is the experience broke me in a completely different way than my failed marriage.  I mentioned before that walking away I was able to take responsiblity for my part of the failure.  Which is very true.  However our infertility felt so much more personal to me.  First of all my body was failing me and there was no one else to place the blame on or carry that weight.  D tried - he's always said that we are in this together but when push comes to shove I blamed myself.  Once again this was another problem that I had no control over - that I couldn't fix.  On top of that you add in the fact that D and I love each other so much.  That I knew in my heart we would be amazing parents.  I felt as if we DESERVED to be parents.  And all I could see was people getting pregnant who didn't want their babies, who were in unhealthy relationships, or not in a relationship at all.  I quickly became angry and bitter.  I was disgusted by the thoughts that ran through my head but they also felt justified.  And I questioned constantly what I had done wrong to deserve this.  In my mind I had already been through such a big struggle with the demise of my first marriage.  And I felt like I had handled that with as much grace as I could.  And now here I was again faced with adversity beyond measure.  Why?  I couldn't stop asking why me when it seemed I was surrounded by people living normal, happy lives.  People who got exactly what they wanted without any heartache or struggle.  Life for them was easy.  Why was it so hard for me?

I still have no idea where I found the strength, will, and determination to continue to fight.  If I had to guess I'd give the credit to D.  He was a rock through the majority of our struggle - staying so positive and strong when I didn't have it in me.  And when he finally did break I'm proud to say I stepped up and took on his role as the strong one.  I know so many situations where infertilty has broken a couple and their marriage.  I thank God every day that wasn't us.  We had our moments for sure.  Moments when we felt disconnected, where I'm sure both of us felt alone, where we didn't know what to say or where to go after the most recent failure.  But we got through it together.  And while I'm sad that we had to go through what we did there's no denying we are stronger today because of it.

Sitting here at 34 weeks pregnant I'd love to tell you that much like D healed my heart after my failed marriage that this pregnancy has healed my heart after years of infertility.  But that's not the case.  The best way I know how to describe it is that my heart has grown.  It's grown times two thanks to these amazing miracles.  And I know it will grow again once I hold them in my arms.  But there's a part of my heart, of my soul, that hasn't recovered from our struggle and I'm not sure it ever will.  I'm not sure it should.  I can look back over the last three years and I can see that there was good that came out of it.  Like I said I feel like my marriage is stronger, I feel like I truly appreciate this gift that I've been blessed with.  I think I'll be a better parent - more patient, more forgiving, more involved.  Just MORE, thanks to our struggle.  However that's not enough for me to wish this journey on my worse enemy.  I also recognize that the damage to my heart and spirit, the hurt I felt in the depth of our battle will never be forgotten.  I can only hope that I can be stronger than the hurt, the anger, and bitterness that still plague me.  That I am strong enough to not let it change me in a negative way.  To remember it's not my place to judge anyone unless I've walked in their shoes. And to hope that I can grow with grace from this challenge.

The definition of Mother

When I flipped my calendar to May as always the date of Mother's Day caught my eye.  I'll admit my first thought was to wonder if my babies would be here by then.  While the idea of NOT being pregnant any more is very appealing I said a brief prayer that they'd still be comfortable and thriving inside vs. taking on the challenges of the outside world too early.  My next thought was how I felt thinking about Mother's Day being 33 1/2 weeks pregnant.  I was surprised by the answer - not very different.

Don't get me wrong.  Mother's Day is a day I've struggled with for the last three years as we desperately tried to start our family without any success.  For the last three years I've dreaded this day and spent most of it either in tears or fighting them back.  I felt guilty for not being able to focus on my amazing mother and mother in law.  I felt guilty for not truly celebrating my friends who are such inspirational mothers.  All I could feel was the hopelessness of my own personal journey and the ache in my empty heart.  I thought first about the embryos we had transferred that didn't take, then the ones that did but weren't able to continue to grow.  Then the one that did fully implant but had no heartbeat at that first sono.  And finally the one who did - who's precious heart beat we saw not once, but twice, before the ultrasound of silence at almost 10 weeks.

Being pregnant this year didn't take away that grief.  Absolutely it brought hope that had been lacking, happiness and excitement that never existed before.  And of course so much gratitude that we have made it this far.  Every kick and movement I felt on Sunday held an extra special meaning and brought a different kind of tears to my eyes.  But yes, I still grieved the loss of the babies that should have been here and were not.  While I sat with my family and enjoyed their company I still felt a little uncomfortable being included in the group that we were celebrating.  In my heart I had been part of this group for the last three years but not a member that gets recognized.  My children aren't here on earth to post pictures of, to make me breakfast in bed or draw me beautiful pictures.  I never saw their faces or held them in my arms.  But I have held them in my heart since the day those tiny embryos were transferred.  I've felt the weight of responsibility that goes along with being a parent and I"ve felt the grief of failure that I couldn't protect them.

I was encouraged by the number of FaceBook posts I saw this year honoring not only the traditional mothers but those fighting to become a mother and those who have lost children at any stage of life. I know having been in both those positions just being acknowledged provides a small amount of comfort on a very difficult day.  I hope that those still fighting felt loved and not invisible.  I pray that they find hope in the stories of those who walked in their shoes and now have a happy ending.  And mostly I hope that at this time next year they find themselves closer to their own happy ending.  Because we all deserve that.

32 Weeks

I spent some time this afternoon  reading through old posts on my blog.  I was initially looking for a specific post related to What Infertility Is To Me that I wanted to share for NIAW.  That led me through 3 years of posts and took me back through the ups and downs of our journey.  Looking back it's hard to believe that we've made it to where we are today.  As I read my own words I was taken back to those moments and all of the intense emotions that went along with them.  The hope of our first IVF cycle, the devastation of our first loss, the disappointment of failed transfers, the anger of the unfairness of it all.  The hours of research, the agony over what path to take, the fear of making the wrong choice.  The waiting.  So much waiting.

I jumped through the months and timeline of our struggle until I found the post about discovering I was pregnant with our twins.  Reading through this journey it's hard to believe that we are at the end.  For the longest time I couldn't look any further ahead than the next appointment.  I literally took this pregnancy one week at a time.  And now we are down to our last weeks.  It's still hard to believe that we'll be meeting these little miracles so soon.  And as hard as I try I still can't quite picture them in my arms.  But their (constant) movements, my very large bump, and general uncomfortableness reassure me that this is really happening.

We've reached the point that we are back to weekly appointments.  I alternate between my OB and my MFM.  Last week at my OB's office our little guy was measuring about 17% behind his brother.  They don't like to see a difference of more than 20%.  The discrepancy has caused them to go ahead and schedule my c-section for 36 weeks (May 26th).  We'll obviously continue to monitor the boys weekly and if Baby B's growth continues to slow or God forbid stop they will take them sooner.  I am so grateful to be at 32 weeks knowing that aside from something catestrophic they should both survive with no long term side effects.  However I still feel like it's just WAY too soon.  I'm hoping and praying to make it at least until 34 weeks and hopiong they'll weigh over 4lbs a piece.  For whatever reason 4lbs seems so much more..... substantial than 3 something.

I'm blessed that our local hopsital has a first class NICU that we were fortunate enough to get to tour ahead of time.  So I'm comfortable with the plan if they do come early.  Just one more thing that is out of my control - and you all know how I feel about that.  With the recent events for the first time I've actually started thinking about their arrival and what happens after that.  While I"m still completely consumed with bringing them into this world saefly and healthy I have started to think a little bit about the actual c-section itself, my recovery, and potentially handling two premature infants.  To say it's overwhelming is a huge understatement.  But to read back over everything we've fought through and have overcome gives me confidence that there's nothing we can't survive together.

Nursery Reveal

I can't believe it's been almost a month since my last post where I tried to get everyone caught up.  Time is passing so quickly which is actually surprising considering how uncomfortable I am.  On Thursday I'll be 30 weeks!  I'm absolutely thrilled that we've made it this far and while I'm puffy, swollen, and generally VERY uncomfortable it's the best feeling ever.  I'm just trying to focus on 2 weeks goals.  So now I'm aiming for 32 weeks which will be April 28th.  At my last appointment with the MFM she said to let her know when I'm done working and she'll write the note to put me on bed rest.  While it's SO tempting (my 45 min drive to work is absolutely miserable) I really want to save all of my FMLA time for when the babies are actually here.  So we agreed to re-evaluate at 32 weeks and potentially I could go on "modified" bed rest where I would just work from home full time.  I think I would be very lonely as I'm such a social person but considering just showering these days leaves me exhausted it sounds nice to be able to take it easy and work from home.  We'll see how the next couple of weeks go I guess.

So on to some REALLY exciting stuff.  The nursery is finally finished!  Seriously you guys I just go in there and sit in awe.  I can not believe I actually have a nursery.  In MY house.  For OUR babies.  I tried (emphasis on tried) to cut back on the pictures so you aren't all bored to death.  But for those that are interested grab a beverage, kick back, and welcome to our home......

Here's the view when you are walking in the door.  I guess I should mention that I have plans to put their names above their cribs and then I have a giant & sign that will hang between.  However we are keeping their names as a surprise so that wall is blank for now!  The color pallet is all shades of blue/grays.  My sweet, patient husband painted the room THREE different times before I was content with this slate blue/gray shade on the walls.  It's a little bit rustic, a little shabby chic.  At least that's how I"d describe it :)  The rug on the floor is from Target.  I've gotten a ton of compliments on it!  The blankets hanging over their crib were quilted by one of my closest friends specifically for the boys.  I have a feeling these blankets will be with them for a very long time.  

We have a great window that looks out to our backyard in this room and while it's hard to see really cute crown molding too.  The room itself is NOT big (I think it's 10x11) so I was very worried about fitting both cribs, the dresser/changing table, and the rocker in the room.  It's not exactly spacious but I'm hoping the overall feel is cozy.  Curtains are from Target!  

Here's the view of the other corner of the room where the closet is.  The pallet book shelf I ordered off Etsy for a steal and the deer print above it was a gift from a sweet friend of mine.

I searched long and hard for a rocker for this room.  I was shocked at how expensive these were.  Everyone told me not to go cheap as we'll be spending a lot of time here.  I finally bit the bullet and purchased this one off of Wayfair.  It did need assembled when it arrived but took D less than an hour to put it together.  I love the gliding motion and the fact that the ottoman glides with you.  It's soft and comfortable and I'm only slightly embarrassed to admit that I've been spending my work from home days in this chair the last couple weeks and so far I have zero complaints.  The pillow I found at Walmart!

And the view if I'm standing in front of the closet.  Can I just tell you how much I love this furniture?  It was a gift from my parents and I just absolutely love the style, color, and the slightly distressed finish.  

Here's a head on view of the collage over the changing table.  I think I got all of these signs either from Etsy or Hobby Lobby.  They all have special meaning of course.  I loved the arrow theme along with the Be Brave message.  In addition the sign in the middle that says "They are our greatest adventure" I absolutely LOVE and then the small navy sign that says Brothers are the Perfect Best Friends.  Oh my heart.  

I found this cute little cube at Target along with the matching gray bins.  I am storing toys in one of the bins and extra crib sheets and changing table covers in the second one.  Thanks to one of our showers where guests were encouraged to bring books instead of cards we have a pretty good start to our library.  The sign above the cube is the one I bought to use for our gender announcement.  The yellow color really doesn't go with anything in the room but I adore this sign as it's pretty much how my husband was raised.

This sign I received as a gift from a friend who also battled infertility and has been a huge support to me.  I get tears in my eyes every time I read it.  My faith has definitely wavered during this journey but there's no other explanation for these miracles than the grace of God.  We are so thankful.  

The dresser is stocked and ready to go!  In the top left hand drawer I've got newborn size diapers, wipes, and teeny tiny socks.  There's also a couple preemie size onesies in this drawer.  They are so small it makes me sick to my stomach.  I'm praying so hard that we are way too big for these when the boys finally make their appearance.  None the less we do have a few preemie size clothes if we face that challenge so at least they won't be naked.  

This is the top right hand drawer.  The big divider contains medial supplies - gas drops, infant Tylenol, thermometer, nursing pads, nipple cream, etc.  The next divider contains pacifiers (three different brands as I've heard newborns can be picky about what ones they like) and a few sets of mittens.  The last two dividers on the right contain hats and accessories like those cute little bow ties!  

Last but not least here's the closet.  D installed this great organizer (although it's a little big but there's still hanging space on either side).  We are storing diapers in the cubes that will one day store shoes.  The basket has all of the diapers from the diaper cake from my shower and then swaddle blankets rolled and stored on each side.  The top shelf is purely decorative with the sweet picture frames, cute little hats and shoes.  The twins banner I got for our announcement pictures and thought it was cute hanging there.  Two rods on each side for hanging clothes and still room for storage on the floor too (which is basically full of diapers thanks to D's awesome friends who threw us a diaper party!).  

So there you have it.  As I said earlier this room is mostly for me at this point as we'll be keeping the boys in our room in bassinets when they first arrive home.  However it is convenient as their room is right next door to the master and just down a short hallway from our family room and kitchen.  So I do think we'll utilize the space for diaper changes and feedings.  I'll wrap this post up with my 28 week picture!  Which is almost two weeks ago already.  However I really, really am going to try to be better about blogging as we get closer to their much anticipated arrival!  Hope you enjoyed the tour!

28 weeks!  

Long Overdue Update

I have been a huge blog slacker and was trying to think of a quick way to update you guys with all that's been going on.  So I thought I'd do a picture post.

 Baby A at 22.5 weeks - this guy is usually all stretched out and super active all the time!

Baby B at 22.5 weeks - he's curled up in a little ball down in the corner since his brother takes up all the room.

 

Me at 21 weeks pregnant.  Soak in this picture please.  It's the last one before the swelling and puffiness set in.........

Maternity photos!  These were taken at 23 weeks.  We have a friend who is starting up a photography business and wanted to use us as models.  She did a great job!

 My college girlfriends threw my first shower.  Everything was perfect and beautiful but what meant the most to me was all the people who came out to celebrate our little boys.  So blessed!

My parents got us the car seats for our first shower.  Chloe isn't too sure what these things are but was happy to pose next to them for a
picture.

Baby Shower Number 2 in Derek's hometown!

 My favorite gift from the 2nd baby shower.  D is a huge top gun fan so the boys got Maverick and Goose onesies, my best friend's little boy got the Viper shirt and my nephew who's getting ready to turn 7 got the Iceman shirt.  On the front they all have a pair of aviators that look like they have hanging from their neck.  Cutest thing ever!

And here's today at 26 weeks!  Definitely feeling swollen and puffy and just generally uncomfortable.  But every day is one step closer and I couldn't be more thrilled to be where we are today.  Next big milestone is 28 weeks!  

Ch Ch Changes!

Welcome February!  I personally am glad to have January behind us and be one month closer to warmer weather (PS - MidWest winters suck) and one month further along in this pregnancy.  This week I'll be 20 weeks - Eeeekkk!  Everyone keeps saying "Yeah you are 1/2 way".  I have to bite my tongue to keep from screaming "I AM MORE THAN 1/2 WAY - THIS IS A TWIN PREGNANCY!".  Instead I just nod and smile and say thank you so it doesn't appear that I'm a crazy woman.  My favorite part of 20 weeks is that viability is only 4 (hopefully) short weeks away.  I'm still feeling pretty good.  By the end of the day I feel full and uncomfortable and have some trouble falling asleep.  But other than that things have been great.  I'm still only feeling the flutters and the gas like feeling as far as movement goes.  Which makes me nervous of course.  I thought yesterday I felt a more significant kick.  I am ready for that action to begin any time now!  This is a no appointment week so those are always hard for me.  

 

                                                                19 weeks 5 days!

The last 2 weeks we also began our bathroom renovation.  Our house does have 3 bathrooms - the master, a full bath in our finished basement, and then our guest bath.  However the guest bathroom only had a stand up shower in it.  So I really wanted to put in a tub for the babies.  The contractors started last week and finished up yesterday.  The tile for the shower is back ordered so that's still unfinished but everything else is done.  Overall I'm pretty happy with how it came together.  I don't consider decorating one of my skills, but I'm happy with the flooring, paint, and tile I chose.  D is color blind so I'm basically on my own for projects like this as I don't really trust his opinion. :)  Below are some pictures of the finished project.  

                                    I used the same vanity but got a new mirror and light fixture

This gives you a view of the flooring which is porcelain tile that looks like hardwood!  LOVE!  And the start of the tiling before we ran out.  I'll be continuing the smoke green glass tiles and then we'll run a strip of the mosaic that's in the soap box halfway up to break it up a little bit.

This bathroom did not have a closet originally and I was thrilled that there was room to squeeze one in.  It's actually really deep and I put the first shelf high enough that I can fit a hamper below it.  We'll be able to move all of the linens from the hall linen closet in here and then hopefully use that for more storage for the babies.  


We used the same toilet - nothing too exciting here except it gives you a good idea of the paint color.

This is the most exciting part for me.  The old door opened into the toilet and was super awkward.  We replaced it with a sliding "barn" style door and I love it!  Makes the bathroom feel so much more open.  

So lots of changes the last couple of weeks!  The contractors had been using the babies' room for all of their tools and supplies so now that they are finished I get that room back.  I've got a few samples of paint colors that I'm trying to decide between.  The furniture is an ash gray color.  (kind of a distressed finish).  Below are all the samples of paint I've got that I'm trying to decide between.  Thoughts and input welcome!  

Days go By

Most of you who know me know that I am a planner by nature.  Nothing makes me happier than lists, plans, time lines, deadlines, etc.  I find comfort in mapping things out and joy in checking boxes.  Planning for my babies is something I've dreamed of my entire life.  But after experiencing infertility and loss(es) there's so many fears that come with moving forward and planning for the arrival of your babies.  

I have made progress.  At 18 weeks we have furniture(!) and I've started my registry.  With the help and support (and okay push) from my family and friends I've set shower dates.  Invites are currently being ordered.  And while it's so exciting and so much fun to make these plans there's still the voice in the back of my head that I can't ignore. 

 "There's a 30 day return policy for the furniture....what if?"  or "They can send out a mass text to cancel the shower if......"  and lately "Worse case we can just pull that door shut so we don't have to look in that room until I'm strong enough to deal with it".

If.  The fear, That worry.  It doesn't fade.  The voice doesn't get quieter with each passing week.  But I will say my excitement does increase.  With each day that goes by this dream becomes a little more of a reality.  18 weeks you guys.  Six short (please God) weeks until we reach viability. Can this really happen?  Is it possible that we may actually hold these miracles in our arms?  Slowly I'm beginning to believe that it just might really happen.

It's funny how you look to the future and think you'll feel better with each milestone.  I thought after receiving the harmony results I'd feel so much better.  And I did....a little.  Last week at our 17 week appointment at MFM they went ahead and did the full anatomy scan.  Everything looked great - no markers, no cause for concern.  Their size and fluid levels were equal which is critical when looking for early signs of Twin to Twin Transfusion.  Nothing but good news from that appointment.  I should have been ecstatic.  And I was.  But still....

I've been waiting until I could feel movement thinking that would help me keep my sanity between sono appointments.  And it has.  But now I worry that they aren't moving enough.  And of course it's hard to confirm that the movement is both babies and not just one (they are literally on top of each other in there!).  So I would say the movement definitely brings reassurance.  But.  

I hope this isn't coming off as me complaining or being ungrateful.  Believe me I'm well aware of just how fortunate we are to be in this situation of worry and fear.  I'll take this over the stress and worry associated with infertility any day.  I thank God multiple times a day for blessing us with these miracles and for helping us get this far.  And there IS joy.  At times it completely overwhelms me.  It brings me to tears at least once a day.  There's moments when I feel my heart will absolutely burst from the happiness.  Yes, there is joy my friends.  Days go by and they are consumed with so many different emotions.  But in the end the greatest is joy.  

It's All Worth It

Yesterday on my drive home from work my phone rang and it was my OB's office.  I actually pulled over to the side of the road as I figured they were calling with the results from my Harmony test.  My heart was beating a million miles a minute and my voice was shaking when I answered the phone.  My nurse Katie's voice was on the other end as she calmly informed me that they had just received the results from the Harmony test.  I couldn't even reply I was so nervous.  In what felt like 200 unnecessary words she calmly informed me that the results all came back normal and "low-risk".  I can't described the relief I felt at hearing her words.  Obviously high risk results wouldn't have changed anything for us.  But it's just one less obstacle to worry about.  I also realize there's still a million other things that could go wrong.  But this one was a win for us and one I'm so grateful for!

In other exciting news she confirmed what the MFM suspected.  Our twins are little BOYS!  For whatever reason I always pictured myself as a boy mom.  People keep asking me what we want (which obviously all we want is to be holding healthy babies in our arms at the end of this).  But even if God came to me and told me I could choose I wouldn't have been able to.  But from the moment the MFM told me she felt pretty confident they were boys (at 13 weeks!) I thought to myself "of course they are".  It just felt right.  So yeah boys!  My heart overflows.........

Today is 16 weeks 5 days.  We go back to the MFM on Thursday which will be 17 weeks.  Regardless of all the great news I'm still nervous and scared for the appointment.  It will have been 2 1/2 weeks since we last saw our babies - the longest we've had to go in this entire pregnancy.  I've accepted that the fear and worry will never leave and work hard on giving it to God, trusting in Him and doing my best to enjoy this pregnancy.  I *think* I have started feeling them move.  Everyone says it feels like "flutters" or "butterflies".  But that isn't the case at all to me.  Honestly it feels like something is pressing or leaning from the inside.  Sometimes I feel a small area of my stomach tighten.  Everyone is telling me that is Braxton Hicks contractions but I honestly don't think so.  Maybe I'm completely wrong.  I'm anxious for when I know without a doubt it's them.  I also have these feelings much more on the right side.  Which I believe that is baby A who is slightly in front of baby B so that would make sense.  I'm hoping to get some confirmation of all of this at the appointment on Thursday.  

So almost 17 weeks I thought I'd try to recap some of my thoughts and feelings

1.  I still often feel like this is a dream, like it's not real.  Too good to be true

2.  I struggle with fear and worry every. single. day.  

3.  The way your body changes during pregnancy is truly amazing!

4.  I celebrate each pound I gain because I know it's helping them grow grow grow.

5.  I smile every time I stick my hands in my coat pockets because I can feel my belly :)

6.  I'm amazed at the out pouring of love and support for these little miracles!

7.  My parents and I have always been close, they've always been my biggest supporters.  But that bond has only deepened through this pregnancy.  Their love and excitement is contagious and can lessen even my deepest worries

8.  Baby stuff is EXPENSIVE!

9.  Pregnancy is hard.  I always thought getting pregnant would be the hard part.  But there's nothing about this that's easy.  From the lack of energy, the struggle to eat healthy, the aches and pain, the trouble sleeping, to the fact that every single thing happening is new and unfamiliar.  Pregnancy is Hard.

10.  It's so worth it.  I always knew/said that every shot, pill, doctor's appointment, etc would be worth it and it's true.  I did not know that pregnancy would be this hard.  But I can tell you it's all so worth it too.  Every green veggie I put in my mouth while simultaneously hating it is worth it.  Every sleepless night (whether it's from being uncomfortable or due to worry) is worth is.  Every ache and pain is a sign that my babies are growing.  And the worry and fear are signs that even at this early stage I'm already a good Mom.  It is so worth it.  

THE Year

Happy New Year friends!  I hope that everyone survived and possibly even enjoyed the holidays.  I know despite the fact of having so much to celebrate this year I'm a little relieved they are over!  I already wrote a reflection of my Different Kind of Christmas this year.  And while it was wonderful it was also.....weird.  To be in such a different place after I've gotten so used to where I was felt redeeming and a little unsettling all at once.  I think through this whole pregnancy I've just been waiting for the ball to drop.  I've thought more times than I can count that things were just going TOO well.  There's days I am deliriously happy and other days where the fear is almost paralyzing.  So my thoughts on the end of 2015 and the beginning of 2016 aren't as cut and dried as you would think.

Obviously ending 2015 15 weeks pregnant was a dream come true.  I still cannot believe we've made it this far.  I can't believe I've sat through ultrasounds where I watched my TWINS moving and squirming inside my body.  After all the failure and heartbreak it's still all a little unbelievable to me.  However even though 2015 was the year that brought us these miracles, overall it wasn't the best year ever.  We started with our final failed transfer at our local clinic.  We transferred our two (according to them) genetically normal embryos and the results were a giant Big Fat Negative.  We had already had our phone consult with Dr. Schoolcraft from CCRM and were planning on starting our journey with them if this transfer failed.  But I know there was a big part of me that didn't think it would come to that.  So while I was devastated by that failure I was still comforted that we had a new plan in place.  However the hardest part of that failure was watching what it did to D.  He had always been so positive and so hopeful through all of our cycles.  This failure was truly the one that broke him.  He clearly had just been humoring me with our plans to go to CCRM and never dreamed it would become a reality.  I watched him go through all of the stages of grief after that failure knowing that there was nothing I could do to make it better.  His anger and sadness was so out of character and frankly scared me to death.  There were nights I wondered if he'd ever "go back" to his old self.  And I carried so much guilt and responsibility for the state he was in.  There were times I felt as if that alone would crush me.

With some time Derek was able to deal with his grief and to wrap his mind around Colorado.  I remember sitting on the plane heading to Colorado for our One Day Work Up. He just seemed angry and bitter that he was even on the plane.  But a great first experience at CCRM did wonders to his perspective.  We both left with a renewed sense of hope that this was the answer for us.

You all know the story.  Our prep for the first CCRM cycle was interrupted by a spontaneous pregnancy.  I'll never forget the shock that I felt when the monitoring doctor told me that they had found a gestational sac during what I thought was my suppression ultrasound.  How could we not have thought that was a our miracle and our redemption?  The timing and circumstances just seemed so perfect.  The feeling of sitting in that first sono and actually having something to see for the first time after all the failures is indescribable.  And seeing and hearing the little heartbeat - I thought my own heart would burst with joy.  Then to have it all come crashing down.  I've sat through a sono before that should have showed a 7 week baby, but there was nothing to see.  It was the worst experience of my life up until this point.  Sitting at that 9 week sono and having the tech go from the wand on my belly to internal.  Searching, searching for a heartbeat that wasn't there any longer, only to call in my sweet OB to confirm.  She held my hand and cried with us as she looked at the silent screen.  This was not our time.  No matter how perfect the circumstances seemed.  The next couple of weeks are a complete blur.  I wrote about the actual miscarriage and don't have the strength even today to get in to how terrible it was again.  I don't know how I survived the pain.  I woke up each morning wishing, praying that it was all just over.  But somehow we were able to drag ourselves out of the hole and resume life.  Looking back it's probably a good thing that it took so long for my HCG to come down.  It gave us the time we really needed to deal with what had happened rather than just shoving it aside and rushing into the next cycle (my typical go-to plan).  It's one of those experiences in your life that define you.  There's the before and the after.  And I can honestly say that I will be forever changed by that heartache and grief.

So no 2015 was not the best year ever.  Although it ended in the absolute best way I could have ever dreamed of.  Looking ahead to 2016 it scares me to think that this *should* be THE year.  The year we bring our sweet babies home.  The year our family is finally, finally complete.  The year I become a mother and make the love of my life's dreams come true.  This *should* be our year.  But there's still so far to go, so many obstacles to overcome.  I know as well as anyone just how precious life is and how quickly it can be taken away and your circumstances can change.  And because I know that I cherish every second of this pregnancy.  I know I talk a lot about my worries and fears and believe me they have not diminished as we navigate our 2nd trimester and wrap up our 4th month of pregnancy.  But I am enjoying this pregnancy as much as I"m capable of after what I've experienced.  I wake up every day grateful for more one day of being these babies mommy.   I pray every day that they continue to grow and develop into healthy babies that we will one day hold in our arms.  I thank God for our miracles.  And I let myself believe that this will be THE year.