32 Weeks

I spent some time this afternoon  reading through old posts on my blog.  I was initially looking for a specific post related to What Infertility Is To Me that I wanted to share for NIAW.  That led me through 3 years of posts and took me back through the ups and downs of our journey.  Looking back it's hard to believe that we've made it to where we are today.  As I read my own words I was taken back to those moments and all of the intense emotions that went along with them.  The hope of our first IVF cycle, the devastation of our first loss, the disappointment of failed transfers, the anger of the unfairness of it all.  The hours of research, the agony over what path to take, the fear of making the wrong choice.  The waiting.  So much waiting.

I jumped through the months and timeline of our struggle until I found the post about discovering I was pregnant with our twins.  Reading through this journey it's hard to believe that we are at the end.  For the longest time I couldn't look any further ahead than the next appointment.  I literally took this pregnancy one week at a time.  And now we are down to our last weeks.  It's still hard to believe that we'll be meeting these little miracles so soon.  And as hard as I try I still can't quite picture them in my arms.  But their (constant) movements, my very large bump, and general uncomfortableness reassure me that this is really happening.

We've reached the point that we are back to weekly appointments.  I alternate between my OB and my MFM.  Last week at my OB's office our little guy was measuring about 17% behind his brother.  They don't like to see a difference of more than 20%.  The discrepancy has caused them to go ahead and schedule my c-section for 36 weeks (May 26th).  We'll obviously continue to monitor the boys weekly and if Baby B's growth continues to slow or God forbid stop they will take them sooner.  I am so grateful to be at 32 weeks knowing that aside from something catestrophic they should both survive with no long term side effects.  However I still feel like it's just WAY too soon.  I'm hoping and praying to make it at least until 34 weeks and hopiong they'll weigh over 4lbs a piece.  For whatever reason 4lbs seems so much more..... substantial than 3 something.

I'm blessed that our local hopsital has a first class NICU that we were fortunate enough to get to tour ahead of time.  So I'm comfortable with the plan if they do come early.  Just one more thing that is out of my control - and you all know how I feel about that.  With the recent events for the first time I've actually started thinking about their arrival and what happens after that.  While I"m still completely consumed with bringing them into this world saefly and healthy I have started to think a little bit about the actual c-section itself, my recovery, and potentially handling two premature infants.  To say it's overwhelming is a huge understatement.  But to read back over everything we've fought through and have overcome gives me confidence that there's nothing we can't survive together.