Ms. Conceptions: What it's all about

Somehow in what feels like overnight my babies have turned three months old. This past month has been filled with what I'm slowly learning motherhood is all about. Joy. Frustration. Love. Tears (both happy and sad) Fulfillment. Exhaustion. Worry. Stress. Fear. Hope. Happiness. Did I say Love?

How has so much changed in such a short time. This month we struggled with the onset of reflux. It. Is. Terrible. After a lot of trial and error and a set back we have it mostly under control. Feeding time is definitely not my favorite as they both still fight you when being burped and sometimes I can tell they are in pain. But we are working through it. The good news is that it hasn't deterred them from eating at all (as you can tell from the pictures below - they don't miss any meals!). And we've dramatically improved from when they would cry for an hour after every feeding.

On a brighter note this month has brought ALL THE SMILES. Brody is my more easy going twin. All you really have to do is talk to him and he smiles so big his eyes squint shut. His toothless, gummy grin absolutely melts my heart. Sometimes when I'm feeding him I have to stop making eye contact with him because he just smiles the whole time and the bottle falls out of his mouth. Braxton has definitely been my more reserved twin. However the last week or so he's really been coming out of his shell and his smiles are coming more freely. He seems more thoughtful to me and like he's carefully listening to and weighing everything you say to him. I feel like he's a natural observer and doesn't miss a thing. He's still just a little bit more needy than Brody as far as Mama's time goes. I think he's be our sweet and thoughtful one while Brody will be the comedian and more outgoing.

It's really hard to believe that these boys were born 5 weeks premature. They are so chunky you

guys. They have rolls for days and I seriously can not get enough of them. I can't believe how much they've grown and I continue to be shocked by the scale every time I weigh them. They are busting out of their 3 month clothes and fitting pretty comfortably into 6 months. They have moved up in to size 2 diapers. At some point I'm assuming they will start growing up rather than out, as there's not much further they can go in that direction!

This month D also went back to work as the school year started. In addition he coaches football so that means he leaves the house around 7am and gets home around 6:30 ish. It's definitely been an adjustment for both me and the boys as they learn that there's only one person here now. I'm proud to say that while we still have difficult moments, for the most part we have a pretty good schedule down and are figuring it out. I go back to work 2 weeks from today - but I'm just not ready to talk about that.

I'm trying desperately to think of something new and original to say about my motherhood journey but it all comes back to the same emotions and feelings of overwhelming love and gratitude. I will say that one of the most rewarding changes this month has been I feel like they have really started to prefer me. We've been fortunate to have so much help which has been amazing. But I did worry at one point that with so many people around all the time they wouldn't really know/understand who Mommy was. Those fears have definitely gone away this month. They not only clearly know who I am but their cries can be calmed (sometimes) just by seeing my face. They are starting to be a little picky about how is holding them and are now recognizing when Mommy is holding brother.

While I'm loving where we are now there's so much I"m looking forward to. Them sitting up on their own (primarily to help with the reflux), when they start reaching for me, incorporating solids (they are SO hungry), and of course more of their personalities coming out.

In an effort to keep this as honest and real as possible I won't gloss over the not so great moments. There's nights I only get a couple hours of broken sleep between the two of them. There's days where they cry for the majority of the almost 12 hours that I'm home alone with them and I don't feel like I'll make it another moment. There's frustration and hurt feelings when I can't calm one of them down. And there's sometimes resentment after particularly hard days that Derek gets to shower and get out of the house and socialize. But the good days out number the bad. And I wouldn't change one second of it for the world. This is what I wanted. The good, bad and ugly. This is what I fought for, prayed for, waited so long for. This, in all it's entirely, is what it's all about. This is my life you guys. How lucky am I to live it?