Infertility
Wednesday, July 29, 2015
The morning after
I thought I'd wake up feeling better this morning. It's not everyday that you can save you survived your worst day, your hardest experience. It's a new morning, a fresh start. But yet I still feel the same. Heartbroken, disappointed, angry, confused, and scared. Part of me just can not believe this is happening and part of me feels like of course it is. Why did I think this time would be any different? It's harder and harder to ignore that maybe this just isn't meant to be. All I've ever wanted since I was a little girl was to be a mom. And as my life unfolded NOT according to my careful plans I worried about not being able to have kids before I even knew there was a problem. It was always my biggest fear because it's the one thing I wanted most. And yes I understand you don't always get what you want but I know, deep down inside I KNOW, this is something I will be good at. No that's not true. I'm good at a lot of things - my job, sports, being a good friend. I know that I would be a great mom. It would be the best thing I ever did. But it just doesn't seem like it's in the cards for us. I'm not sure just how much more heartache we can take. And yet how do you let go of your life's dream. I know I have friends who are thinking enough is enough. Maybe they are right. Maybe it's time to just admit it's not meant to be. To find a new dream. Once again my plans are not working out. And even though I can not begin to even fathom a life without children maybe God is telling me it's time to start. I can't possibly understand the reasons for all that we've been through. If infertility was God's way to prepare me to be the very best parent, one that will never take one moment for granted, mission accomplished God. That mission was accomplished years ago. But here we sit still in the same place. Our life still on hold, our future unknown and the looming disappointment and heartbreak weighs so heavy on me I feel like i will drown. If this is some sort of test I've obviously failed. It seems failing is all I'm capable of lately. And I'm so very tired of it. Tired of it all.
Tuesday, July 28, 2015
Wednesday, July 22, 2015
Believing the Unbelievable
I've been thinking about writing this post for over 3 weeks now. Actually if I'm being honest I've been dreaming of writing this update for over 2 years. But let me start at the beginning.
At my last update we were just starting our calendar for our first CCRM cycle. After we induced my period with progesterone I was testing for ovulation so we'd know when I could start the estrogen patches for priming. I started testing on cycle day 9. The nurse instructed me to test in the morning with second or third morning urine. I splurged and bought the expensive clear blue easy ovulation tests with the smiley faces. I've used those before and felt they were much clearer than struggling with the lines on the other tests. So cycle day 9 nothing, cycle day 10 nothing, cycle day 11 nothing. Not even the blinking smiley face that leads up to the solid one that indicates ovulation. Just for kicks I decided to test again on day 11 in the afternoon. And I got a solid smiley face. WTH? How could I go from nothing to ovulating in less than a few hours? I called CCRM and they basically said to continue testing the next couple days (through the weekend) and to call them back on Monday. I continued to test but never got another positive reading. On Monday they sent orders for me to get an u/s to check and see if I had ovulated. So I went in on June 15th for that ultrasound and it showed that I had, indeed, ovulated. So YEAH! I started the estrogen patches and then on cycle day 25 started the ganarelix injections which I took for three days. I was scheduled to start my period on June 28th. Of course that didn't happen. I was in complete panic mode about how that would affect things. I called my nurse at CCRM right away on Monday morning and she said we could make some adjustments if it starts within a few days. Then miraculously it started the very next afternoon! I was so relieved. I called my nurse right away and we scheduled the suppression check ultrasound for Wed. of that week. If we were clear of cysts we'd start STIM drugs on Friday and I'd be on a plane to Colorado on Monday morning! I was still in shock and could not believe this was finally happening!
I went in on Wednesday for the suppression check. I told the ultrasound tech that I had started my period on Monday afternoon but it had been very light. I had my orders from CCRM and was so nervous as I've had a cyst before that delayed my cycle. The ultrasound took FOREVER and once she was finally done she told me to sit tight that the doctor may or may not want to see me. My heart immediately dropped. I was certain something was wrong as I never see the doctor during monitoring appointments. So after a few minutes the u/s tech came back in and told me to get dressed and then she'd take me to a waiting room and the doctor would come talk to me. By this point I was starting to really freak out. Did they find something terrible like a big ol' cancerous tumor?? Did my ovaries get eaten by all of the drugs I've taken the last two years and disappear?? I was regretting not having D come with me to the appointment. I was so freaked out I called him and told him something was wrong. Right as I was losing it to him on the phone the doctor walked in. I will never forgot her words as long as I live. "I have some surprising news - you're pregnant". I immediately told her that I can't get pregnant that's why I'm there. She then filled me in on the fact that they had seen a gestational sac in the ultrasound and that it was early but I was indeed pregnant. I just sat there staring at her in complete shock. She said that I could go to the lab to get the bloodwork done that CCRM had ordered for me (e2 and progesterone level check) and that they were adding a HCG test to that as well. At some point I started crying and she said she'd give me a few minutes to pull myself together. The walk to the lab was a complete blur. All I could think of is that the ultrasound had to be wrong and the HCG test would prove that. I gave a high level explanation of what was happening to the girl drawing my blood and she told me that we'd have the results in an hour. So I left and literally went and sat in my car. I didn't want to call D back because I didn't know what to say! So I text him and just told him all was fine. He totally bought that because I may have a tendency to over react on a regular basis. As I was sitting there trying to figure out what to do with myself (because obviously there was no WAY I could go back to work) I got a text from my sweet friend Amanda just checking in on me. Her timing could not have been more perfect. I completely unloaded on her and even though she had to be in complete shock as well she totally talked me through it. I called back in an hour and got my HCG level. They told me it was 4200. Once again - WHAT? That was WAY too high. I asked if they didn't mean 420 and they said no it was definitely 4200. After a quick consult with Dr. Google we discovered that number was in line with being around 5.5 weeks pregnant and since I had started my period on June 1st and it was currently July 1st we thought I was somewhere around 4.5 weeks. I called CCRM and gave them the news. After they received all of the information from my doctor's office here my amazing nurse Cindy (does anyone else have her?! If you EVER end up at CCRM and are a patient of Dr. Schoolcraft requrest this woman! She is an angel sent from heaven specifically for all of us infertiles). Cindy was completely ecstatic for me while also managing to be cautious. She told me her initial thoughts were that with a HCG level that high they should have seen more than just a gestational sac. She felt as if a fetal pole and yolk sac should have been present. CCRM's protocol was to wait a week and have another ultrasound done. After I got off the phone with her I went and bought a pregnancy test. I had to see it with my own eyes. I got one of the digital ones that says pregnant and then tells you in weeks how far along you are. I knew taking it in the middle of the day vs. first morning would probably affect the results but I just had to see. Sure enough it came up pregnant and said 2-3 weeks (which is from conception, not from your last period). Even after all of this I was still in denial. I was finally starting to believe I was actually pregnant but I also knew that there was a disconnect between the HCG level and the ultrasound. I finally went home to wait for D. When he walked in the house I told him that I figured out why I had been feeling so awful the last week or so (I had been SO moody, emotional, and three mornings in a row was so nauseous I couldn't even eat breakfast - I had chalked it up to the estrogen patches). I showed him the test and he just looked at it blankly. He finally said "I don't get it". When I told him I was pregnant it was with my usual "cautiously optimistic" attitude. Yes I was pregnant but this was still me. And of course it couldn't be cut and dry. I explained everything that happened and told him that basically all we could do is wait for the ultrasound to see if things were progressing. Neither one of us smiled or laughed. We didn't celebrate. We were both crippled with fear. This was everything we've been wanting, dreaming of, right in front of us. Could we really be this lucky? It just didn't seem likely.
So the next morning when I got to work I decided to call my OBGYN to inform her of what was going on (I was being monitored for CCRM at the local hospital since it's right next door to my work and super convenient). Once I filled in the receptionist she said that she would let my doctor know and someone would call me back. I guess I should also mention that my OBGYN is A-MAZING. She has an IVF baby herself and she completely "gets" it. She called me back HERSELF in just a little over an hour and said why don't I come in tomorrow morning. So I made an appointment for Friday morning. When she walked in the exam room she happily hugged and congratulated me. I immediately corrected her and explained that the HCG numbers and the ultrasound weren't adding up. She quickly dismissed my concerns and told me that she had a patient with an HCG level of 16,000 and they couldn't see anything in the ultrasound. She said that every person and every pregnancy is different. Then she asked if it would provide some comfort if we did another ultrasound on Monday. After I burst into tears I finally told her that would be amazing. So she had them draw some blood and then told me to come back on Monday and we'd draw again and do the sono. For whatever reason surviving the weekend knowing we'd have an answer first thing Monday morning was WAY easier than waiting until Thursday like CCRM ordered me to do. The weekend passed in a blur of nerves and fears and Monday came quicker than I thought was possible. As D and I sat in the waiting room I was literally shaking. We had talked it to death and were prepared for any outcome. We had chosen to look at this as a "bonus" opportunity and were taking it as a good sign. I got pregnant. On my own. If this worked than we were one of the lucky ones. If not, then we'd continue to move forward with our CCRM plan. We saved the money, we knew our odds, and if this didn't work out it changed nothing. When they called us back to the sono room I thought we both were going to throw up before we made it. The tech introduced herself and started to explain that being only 5 weeks along we most likely wouldn't be able to see much. I quickly filled her in on the situation and watched as her expression turned serious. I found myself reassuring her that we were prepared either way and just ready for some answers. Once we got started she turned the screen and with a very relieved voice quickly pointed out the baby to us. She did some quick measurements and the baby was measuring right at 6 weeks on the dot. 6 weeks!! WHAT the WHAT? Then she got super excited and said that she could even see the tiny flickering of the baby's heart. I was still recovering from the 6 week shock and evidently was squeezing D's hand so hard he had to tap me on the shoulder so I'd release some pressure. When I turned and looked at him I saw the biggest smile EVER on his face. The tech kept asking us if we saw the heart beat. We both said yes even though we confided in each other that neither of us could really see it. All that mattered was that SHE saw it! I got dressed and my OB was waiting outside the door for me with a huge hug. She took me back to an exam room and we had our first official appointment. Since I was a new OB patient for her she said she wanted me to come back in 1-2 weeks for another appointment. I asked if we'd do another sono and she said we could if that would ease my anxiety. Seriously I would have kissed this woman if she would have come close enough! So I made the appointment for the middle of the following week knowing there was no way I'd make it two weeks but trying to make it longer than one. We were on cloud nine for the rest of Monday and actually most of Tues. By Wednesday the fear had set back in and on Thurs. afternoon I was having some cramping. I left work a little early and went home and took a nap and it seemed to improve. Friday I decided to work from home and the cramping started up first thing in the morning. Around lunchtime I finally broke down and called the doctor's office. I know some mild cramping is normal but this was definitely more than mild. The nurse at my doctor's office said she was delivering a baby and they don't have a sono tech on Fridays anyway. She instructed me to drink a lot of water, stay in bed, and if they became severe to go to the ER. We contemplated going several times but when push came to shove I knew there was nothing they could do to STOP it if I was miscarrying so I chose just to stay in bed and take it easy. By Friday night the cramps had definitely gotten better. Saturday I just had a couple of small episodes. Sunday and Monday I felt GREAT. Which only worried me more. Monday afternoon I called my doctor's office to see if they could move my Wed. appointment up to Tues morning. They shifted some things around and were able to get me in at 10am on Tues. Sitting in the waiting room that morning felt the same but also different than the week before. Before we were both still in shock and denial I think. After seeing the baby and being told it's heart was beating we were far more invested than the week before. We were both too nervous to even speak in the waiting room. We just sat there clutching hands. They called us back and I felt like I was on an episode of Groundhog Day when I told the cheerful tech that I had some significant cramping last week and we were very worried. However this time as soon as the wand was inserted and the baby came into focus you could CLEARLY see it's tiny heartbeat going so fast. Huge sigh of relief and some tears on my part. The baby's heartbeat was 129 which they said was great. At 7 weeks it's typically supposed to be between 90-110 and at 8 weeks between 120 and 160. We were 7 weeks 1 day at that point. She was trying to get some measurements but the way the baby was situated in the sac was really hard. The measurements came in at 6 weeks 5 days so behind schedule. The tech nor the doctor were concerned since the heart beat was strong and the baby wasn't really cooperating. So more celebrations in the office (seriously can I just move in there for the duration of this?). We went over all of the first trimester screening options and she said to come back at 10 weeks and we'd do the blood work for that. D just flat out said "She's not going to make it until then". My wonderful, caring, amazing doctor just laughed and said how about you come back in two weeks and we'll do another ultrasound. Seriously I may leave D for this woman. I'm not sure I've ever loved another human this much. So...here we are. They are telling me I am 8 weeks 2 days pregnant. There's still a huge part of me that can NOT believe this is happening. Obviously I'm still terrified. I have at least one major breakdown per day. But I also have fleeting moments of hope and happiness. This is further than we've ever gotten before. Three retrievals, five transfers of 8 total embryos. One chemical and one miscarriage. During that pregnancy my beta started SO low (12, 59, then 177). At the 7 week ultrasound there was nothing there. I most likely miscarried soon after the third beta. But here we are. We are THAT couple. The one that conceives on their own after YEARS of treatment and trying. It seems completely impossible. This is the kind of stuff that happens to everyone BUT me. And while I'm hopeful, I really truly am, I still can't force myself to let my guard down. We all know what it feels like to know too much, to want this SO bad. And honestly the only ending I"m familiar with is the bad ones. I know how to keep trying. I know how to prep myself physically and emotionally for the drugs, the side effects, the stress. What I don't know is how to be pregnant. It's something I'm praying I can learn.
*~*~*~*DISCLOSURE - If you know me in real life we are obviously not ready to tell ANYONE this news yet so we ask that you please keep it to yourself ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
At my last update we were just starting our calendar for our first CCRM cycle. After we induced my period with progesterone I was testing for ovulation so we'd know when I could start the estrogen patches for priming. I started testing on cycle day 9. The nurse instructed me to test in the morning with second or third morning urine. I splurged and bought the expensive clear blue easy ovulation tests with the smiley faces. I've used those before and felt they were much clearer than struggling with the lines on the other tests. So cycle day 9 nothing, cycle day 10 nothing, cycle day 11 nothing. Not even the blinking smiley face that leads up to the solid one that indicates ovulation. Just for kicks I decided to test again on day 11 in the afternoon. And I got a solid smiley face. WTH? How could I go from nothing to ovulating in less than a few hours? I called CCRM and they basically said to continue testing the next couple days (through the weekend) and to call them back on Monday. I continued to test but never got another positive reading. On Monday they sent orders for me to get an u/s to check and see if I had ovulated. So I went in on June 15th for that ultrasound and it showed that I had, indeed, ovulated. So YEAH! I started the estrogen patches and then on cycle day 25 started the ganarelix injections which I took for three days. I was scheduled to start my period on June 28th. Of course that didn't happen. I was in complete panic mode about how that would affect things. I called my nurse at CCRM right away on Monday morning and she said we could make some adjustments if it starts within a few days. Then miraculously it started the very next afternoon! I was so relieved. I called my nurse right away and we scheduled the suppression check ultrasound for Wed. of that week. If we were clear of cysts we'd start STIM drugs on Friday and I'd be on a plane to Colorado on Monday morning! I was still in shock and could not believe this was finally happening!
I went in on Wednesday for the suppression check. I told the ultrasound tech that I had started my period on Monday afternoon but it had been very light. I had my orders from CCRM and was so nervous as I've had a cyst before that delayed my cycle. The ultrasound took FOREVER and once she was finally done she told me to sit tight that the doctor may or may not want to see me. My heart immediately dropped. I was certain something was wrong as I never see the doctor during monitoring appointments. So after a few minutes the u/s tech came back in and told me to get dressed and then she'd take me to a waiting room and the doctor would come talk to me. By this point I was starting to really freak out. Did they find something terrible like a big ol' cancerous tumor?? Did my ovaries get eaten by all of the drugs I've taken the last two years and disappear?? I was regretting not having D come with me to the appointment. I was so freaked out I called him and told him something was wrong. Right as I was losing it to him on the phone the doctor walked in. I will never forgot her words as long as I live. "I have some surprising news - you're pregnant". I immediately told her that I can't get pregnant that's why I'm there. She then filled me in on the fact that they had seen a gestational sac in the ultrasound and that it was early but I was indeed pregnant. I just sat there staring at her in complete shock. She said that I could go to the lab to get the bloodwork done that CCRM had ordered for me (e2 and progesterone level check) and that they were adding a HCG test to that as well. At some point I started crying and she said she'd give me a few minutes to pull myself together. The walk to the lab was a complete blur. All I could think of is that the ultrasound had to be wrong and the HCG test would prove that. I gave a high level explanation of what was happening to the girl drawing my blood and she told me that we'd have the results in an hour. So I left and literally went and sat in my car. I didn't want to call D back because I didn't know what to say! So I text him and just told him all was fine. He totally bought that because I may have a tendency to over react on a regular basis. As I was sitting there trying to figure out what to do with myself (because obviously there was no WAY I could go back to work) I got a text from my sweet friend Amanda just checking in on me. Her timing could not have been more perfect. I completely unloaded on her and even though she had to be in complete shock as well she totally talked me through it. I called back in an hour and got my HCG level. They told me it was 4200. Once again - WHAT? That was WAY too high. I asked if they didn't mean 420 and they said no it was definitely 4200. After a quick consult with Dr. Google we discovered that number was in line with being around 5.5 weeks pregnant and since I had started my period on June 1st and it was currently July 1st we thought I was somewhere around 4.5 weeks. I called CCRM and gave them the news. After they received all of the information from my doctor's office here my amazing nurse Cindy (does anyone else have her?! If you EVER end up at CCRM and are a patient of Dr. Schoolcraft requrest this woman! She is an angel sent from heaven specifically for all of us infertiles). Cindy was completely ecstatic for me while also managing to be cautious. She told me her initial thoughts were that with a HCG level that high they should have seen more than just a gestational sac. She felt as if a fetal pole and yolk sac should have been present. CCRM's protocol was to wait a week and have another ultrasound done. After I got off the phone with her I went and bought a pregnancy test. I had to see it with my own eyes. I got one of the digital ones that says pregnant and then tells you in weeks how far along you are. I knew taking it in the middle of the day vs. first morning would probably affect the results but I just had to see. Sure enough it came up pregnant and said 2-3 weeks (which is from conception, not from your last period). Even after all of this I was still in denial. I was finally starting to believe I was actually pregnant but I also knew that there was a disconnect between the HCG level and the ultrasound. I finally went home to wait for D. When he walked in the house I told him that I figured out why I had been feeling so awful the last week or so (I had been SO moody, emotional, and three mornings in a row was so nauseous I couldn't even eat breakfast - I had chalked it up to the estrogen patches). I showed him the test and he just looked at it blankly. He finally said "I don't get it". When I told him I was pregnant it was with my usual "cautiously optimistic" attitude. Yes I was pregnant but this was still me. And of course it couldn't be cut and dry. I explained everything that happened and told him that basically all we could do is wait for the ultrasound to see if things were progressing. Neither one of us smiled or laughed. We didn't celebrate. We were both crippled with fear. This was everything we've been wanting, dreaming of, right in front of us. Could we really be this lucky? It just didn't seem likely.
So the next morning when I got to work I decided to call my OBGYN to inform her of what was going on (I was being monitored for CCRM at the local hospital since it's right next door to my work and super convenient). Once I filled in the receptionist she said that she would let my doctor know and someone would call me back. I guess I should also mention that my OBGYN is A-MAZING. She has an IVF baby herself and she completely "gets" it. She called me back HERSELF in just a little over an hour and said why don't I come in tomorrow morning. So I made an appointment for Friday morning. When she walked in the exam room she happily hugged and congratulated me. I immediately corrected her and explained that the HCG numbers and the ultrasound weren't adding up. She quickly dismissed my concerns and told me that she had a patient with an HCG level of 16,000 and they couldn't see anything in the ultrasound. She said that every person and every pregnancy is different. Then she asked if it would provide some comfort if we did another ultrasound on Monday. After I burst into tears I finally told her that would be amazing. So she had them draw some blood and then told me to come back on Monday and we'd draw again and do the sono. For whatever reason surviving the weekend knowing we'd have an answer first thing Monday morning was WAY easier than waiting until Thursday like CCRM ordered me to do. The weekend passed in a blur of nerves and fears and Monday came quicker than I thought was possible. As D and I sat in the waiting room I was literally shaking. We had talked it to death and were prepared for any outcome. We had chosen to look at this as a "bonus" opportunity and were taking it as a good sign. I got pregnant. On my own. If this worked than we were one of the lucky ones. If not, then we'd continue to move forward with our CCRM plan. We saved the money, we knew our odds, and if this didn't work out it changed nothing. When they called us back to the sono room I thought we both were going to throw up before we made it. The tech introduced herself and started to explain that being only 5 weeks along we most likely wouldn't be able to see much. I quickly filled her in on the situation and watched as her expression turned serious. I found myself reassuring her that we were prepared either way and just ready for some answers. Once we got started she turned the screen and with a very relieved voice quickly pointed out the baby to us. She did some quick measurements and the baby was measuring right at 6 weeks on the dot. 6 weeks!! WHAT the WHAT? Then she got super excited and said that she could even see the tiny flickering of the baby's heart. I was still recovering from the 6 week shock and evidently was squeezing D's hand so hard he had to tap me on the shoulder so I'd release some pressure. When I turned and looked at him I saw the biggest smile EVER on his face. The tech kept asking us if we saw the heart beat. We both said yes even though we confided in each other that neither of us could really see it. All that mattered was that SHE saw it! I got dressed and my OB was waiting outside the door for me with a huge hug. She took me back to an exam room and we had our first official appointment. Since I was a new OB patient for her she said she wanted me to come back in 1-2 weeks for another appointment. I asked if we'd do another sono and she said we could if that would ease my anxiety. Seriously I would have kissed this woman if she would have come close enough! So I made the appointment for the middle of the following week knowing there was no way I'd make it two weeks but trying to make it longer than one. We were on cloud nine for the rest of Monday and actually most of Tues. By Wednesday the fear had set back in and on Thurs. afternoon I was having some cramping. I left work a little early and went home and took a nap and it seemed to improve. Friday I decided to work from home and the cramping started up first thing in the morning. Around lunchtime I finally broke down and called the doctor's office. I know some mild cramping is normal but this was definitely more than mild. The nurse at my doctor's office said she was delivering a baby and they don't have a sono tech on Fridays anyway. She instructed me to drink a lot of water, stay in bed, and if they became severe to go to the ER. We contemplated going several times but when push came to shove I knew there was nothing they could do to STOP it if I was miscarrying so I chose just to stay in bed and take it easy. By Friday night the cramps had definitely gotten better. Saturday I just had a couple of small episodes. Sunday and Monday I felt GREAT. Which only worried me more. Monday afternoon I called my doctor's office to see if they could move my Wed. appointment up to Tues morning. They shifted some things around and were able to get me in at 10am on Tues. Sitting in the waiting room that morning felt the same but also different than the week before. Before we were both still in shock and denial I think. After seeing the baby and being told it's heart was beating we were far more invested than the week before. We were both too nervous to even speak in the waiting room. We just sat there clutching hands. They called us back and I felt like I was on an episode of Groundhog Day when I told the cheerful tech that I had some significant cramping last week and we were very worried. However this time as soon as the wand was inserted and the baby came into focus you could CLEARLY see it's tiny heartbeat going so fast. Huge sigh of relief and some tears on my part. The baby's heartbeat was 129 which they said was great. At 7 weeks it's typically supposed to be between 90-110 and at 8 weeks between 120 and 160. We were 7 weeks 1 day at that point. She was trying to get some measurements but the way the baby was situated in the sac was really hard. The measurements came in at 6 weeks 5 days so behind schedule. The tech nor the doctor were concerned since the heart beat was strong and the baby wasn't really cooperating. So more celebrations in the office (seriously can I just move in there for the duration of this?). We went over all of the first trimester screening options and she said to come back at 10 weeks and we'd do the blood work for that. D just flat out said "She's not going to make it until then". My wonderful, caring, amazing doctor just laughed and said how about you come back in two weeks and we'll do another ultrasound. Seriously I may leave D for this woman. I'm not sure I've ever loved another human this much. So...here we are. They are telling me I am 8 weeks 2 days pregnant. There's still a huge part of me that can NOT believe this is happening. Obviously I'm still terrified. I have at least one major breakdown per day. But I also have fleeting moments of hope and happiness. This is further than we've ever gotten before. Three retrievals, five transfers of 8 total embryos. One chemical and one miscarriage. During that pregnancy my beta started SO low (12, 59, then 177). At the 7 week ultrasound there was nothing there. I most likely miscarried soon after the third beta. But here we are. We are THAT couple. The one that conceives on their own after YEARS of treatment and trying. It seems completely impossible. This is the kind of stuff that happens to everyone BUT me. And while I'm hopeful, I really truly am, I still can't force myself to let my guard down. We all know what it feels like to know too much, to want this SO bad. And honestly the only ending I"m familiar with is the bad ones. I know how to keep trying. I know how to prep myself physically and emotionally for the drugs, the side effects, the stress. What I don't know is how to be pregnant. It's something I'm praying I can learn.
*~*~*~*DISCLOSURE - If you know me in real life we are obviously not ready to tell ANYONE this news yet so we ask that you please keep it to yourself ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Monday, June 22, 2015
Just Keep Swimming
Hi remember Me? I feel like those of you who follow me will see this come up in your news feed and be like "Who's that girl?!". And I totally wouldn't blame you. I have unintentionally taken a hiatus from blogging. No big reason. Well...maybe that's not 100% true. I guess I can admit that I've felt a little left behind lately. That on top of the fact that there really hasn't been much to say led to the hiatus. I mean how many times can I whine about the waiting and how bad all of this sucks. You guys all know. You get it. However I finally spent some time catching up on all of your blogs and even though I am still feeling a little left behind I'm also feeling so much hope and happiness for those of you who have found success. I mean there has been some crazy awesome stuff happening to some pretty special ladies. Most of whom fought this battle longer than I have. So...renewed hope combined with a little bit of progress in my world = news worthy of a blog post!
So this CCRM thing...... it's really happening. My last cycle was ridiculous. Something like 52 days and I only got my period because we induced it. I have no idea what's going on with my body other than it's been on a lot of hormones for 2+ years and is basically just jacked up. As a quick recap I had my ODWU with CCRM in April. This appointment has be between when you stopped bleeding but before ovulation. I proactively brought my day 3 blood work with me because the AWESOME facebook group I joined online gave me the heads up that I could save myself a month if I brought it with. However the results were inconclusive So after my appt. in Colorado I still needed to wait until I started my period again to have the blood work re-done before we could get our protocol. Once again with the thought of saving time in the future I scheduled my beta 3 integrin test for the month of April (it has to be done between 9-11 days after ovulation). Those results came back inconclusive as well. Actually it came back "out of phase" which means even though I got a positive result on the ovulation stick my uterine tissue was saying that it wasn't the right time. Super. Frustrating. Then I waited forever for my period which never came and we induced it with progesterone and I think they just felt sorry for me and finally agreed to just give me my calendar. So we were able to schedule our regroup with Dr. Schoolcraft and he was......fine. Honestly I know everyone says he can be kind of a jerk but my experience with him so far as been good. He doesn't volunteer a bunch of additional information but he answers all my questions and I never feel rushed. He basically said that there were no red flags from our ODWU. My hysteroscopy and uterus looked "great" and the partially blocked tube isn't a issue since fluid isn't flowing back into my uterus. He was optimistic about my AFC (16) and felt like based upon my past response he wanted to put me on protocol 3. For you non-CCRMer's that is what they like to call their "poor responder" protocol. It's not much different from what I did at my local clinic with the exception of there will be no BCP or Lupron for suppression. Instead I'll be using estrogen patches to "prime" and we'll begin stims right after my period starts. I feel like this protocol moves FAST since I'm used to the long lupron cycles. So I'll start the patches on Wed. along with Cetrotide injections on Thurs. I should start my period on Sunday and then have an u/s and blood work on the 1st and if every thing is good begin stim meds on the 2nd. We'll travel to Colorado the next week and be monitored every day and then depending on how it goes we should be ready for retrieval that weekend or the beginning of the following week.
I think for us the biggest decision at CCRM is deciding if we are going to do the Family Building Program which is their embryo banking. Dr. Schoolcraft didn't bring it up in our regroup but I asked him about it and he said based on my previous cycles he felt like that was a good idea. How it works is it's 3 retrievals in a row (well it's about 8 weeks in between with waiting on your period and priming). They retrieve your eggs and fertilize them and freeze them at the 2PN stage. Then after your third retrieval they thaw everything and let them all grow to Day 5. At that point they do the CCS genetic testing on the embryos that have made it to blast and freeze everything again. It takes a couple weeks to get the results and then you can start prepping for a FET providing that you have "normal" embryos to transfer. I've heard the entire process takes anywhere from 6 - 9 months. Ouch. So basically we are looking at not being able to transfer until 2016. Once again....Ouch. You guys all know how brutal the waiting is. However based upon my research and conversations with others I was expecting this. So while I wasn't completely devastated by the news it's still a hard pill to swallow.
As of right now I think we've decided that is our plan. The hope being we'll suck it up and do this and this will be the last time we'll ever have to do retrievals. We are praying that we get enough normals to at least get one take home baby....possibly even two. And then it's all worth it right?
I'd be lying if I said I'm not secretly hoping for great numbers and the possibility that we could only have to do 2 retrievals vs. the 3. If we could get results similar to my last cycle at my local clinic I think we'd definitely be in that boat. But I'm also super nervous about how I"m going to respond to this new protocol, not to mention that I haven't done a retrieval in 9 months. What if my body has forgotten how to make eggs?! There's all sorts of fears that come along with trying something new but I just have to keep reminding myself of all the reasons we chose to come to CCRM in the first place.
One day at a time. One foot in front of the other. Just. Keep. Swimming.
So this CCRM thing...... it's really happening. My last cycle was ridiculous. Something like 52 days and I only got my period because we induced it. I have no idea what's going on with my body other than it's been on a lot of hormones for 2+ years and is basically just jacked up. As a quick recap I had my ODWU with CCRM in April. This appointment has be between when you stopped bleeding but before ovulation. I proactively brought my day 3 blood work with me because the AWESOME facebook group I joined online gave me the heads up that I could save myself a month if I brought it with. However the results were inconclusive So after my appt. in Colorado I still needed to wait until I started my period again to have the blood work re-done before we could get our protocol. Once again with the thought of saving time in the future I scheduled my beta 3 integrin test for the month of April (it has to be done between 9-11 days after ovulation). Those results came back inconclusive as well. Actually it came back "out of phase" which means even though I got a positive result on the ovulation stick my uterine tissue was saying that it wasn't the right time. Super. Frustrating. Then I waited forever for my period which never came and we induced it with progesterone and I think they just felt sorry for me and finally agreed to just give me my calendar. So we were able to schedule our regroup with Dr. Schoolcraft and he was......fine. Honestly I know everyone says he can be kind of a jerk but my experience with him so far as been good. He doesn't volunteer a bunch of additional information but he answers all my questions and I never feel rushed. He basically said that there were no red flags from our ODWU. My hysteroscopy and uterus looked "great" and the partially blocked tube isn't a issue since fluid isn't flowing back into my uterus. He was optimistic about my AFC (16) and felt like based upon my past response he wanted to put me on protocol 3. For you non-CCRMer's that is what they like to call their "poor responder" protocol. It's not much different from what I did at my local clinic with the exception of there will be no BCP or Lupron for suppression. Instead I'll be using estrogen patches to "prime" and we'll begin stims right after my period starts. I feel like this protocol moves FAST since I'm used to the long lupron cycles. So I'll start the patches on Wed. along with Cetrotide injections on Thurs. I should start my period on Sunday and then have an u/s and blood work on the 1st and if every thing is good begin stim meds on the 2nd. We'll travel to Colorado the next week and be monitored every day and then depending on how it goes we should be ready for retrieval that weekend or the beginning of the following week.
I think for us the biggest decision at CCRM is deciding if we are going to do the Family Building Program which is their embryo banking. Dr. Schoolcraft didn't bring it up in our regroup but I asked him about it and he said based on my previous cycles he felt like that was a good idea. How it works is it's 3 retrievals in a row (well it's about 8 weeks in between with waiting on your period and priming). They retrieve your eggs and fertilize them and freeze them at the 2PN stage. Then after your third retrieval they thaw everything and let them all grow to Day 5. At that point they do the CCS genetic testing on the embryos that have made it to blast and freeze everything again. It takes a couple weeks to get the results and then you can start prepping for a FET providing that you have "normal" embryos to transfer. I've heard the entire process takes anywhere from 6 - 9 months. Ouch. So basically we are looking at not being able to transfer until 2016. Once again....Ouch. You guys all know how brutal the waiting is. However based upon my research and conversations with others I was expecting this. So while I wasn't completely devastated by the news it's still a hard pill to swallow.
As of right now I think we've decided that is our plan. The hope being we'll suck it up and do this and this will be the last time we'll ever have to do retrievals. We are praying that we get enough normals to at least get one take home baby....possibly even two. And then it's all worth it right?
I'd be lying if I said I'm not secretly hoping for great numbers and the possibility that we could only have to do 2 retrievals vs. the 3. If we could get results similar to my last cycle at my local clinic I think we'd definitely be in that boat. But I'm also super nervous about how I"m going to respond to this new protocol, not to mention that I haven't done a retrieval in 9 months. What if my body has forgotten how to make eggs?! There's all sorts of fears that come along with trying something new but I just have to keep reminding myself of all the reasons we chose to come to CCRM in the first place.
One day at a time. One foot in front of the other. Just. Keep. Swimming.
Thursday, May 21, 2015
You know when...
You know you are a fertility patient when you are waiting in the ultrasound room at the doctors and almost grab the wand to check yourself....
I've been sitting on the table half naked for 30 min waiting on my OBGYN. I'm getting an ultrasound today to check for a cyst since I'm now more than 3 weeks late for my period. Took another pregnancy test this morning....still negative. Just want to get this resolved and move on.
Stay tuned
Tuesday, May 19, 2015
The Hunt
I'm the worst blogger ever. I've sat down to write several times but there's nothing to say. Nothing's changed since my last post. My bloodwork came back and my estrogen level was raised indicating a cyst. We gave it a couple weeks hoping it would resolve itself but still nothing. I have an ultrasound scheduled for Thursday with my OBGYN. Depending on the size of the cyst we'll either drain it or start me on birth control for a week to shrink it.
I can't believe that May is almost over and we haven't progressed any further since April. I really hoped I'd be on meds by now with a June retrieval on the horizon. When do you think I'll finally realize there is no planning, no control. Have I mentioned how much I hate that??
However I am happy to report D seems to be back to his old self. It was a rough couple of months after our last failed cycle but I think the change in weather has really helped. We survived another Mother's Day. As usual it wasn't easy. I woke up and gave myself a mental pep talk in the shower. However I got out and took one look at him and lost it. He told me that he knows I'll be an amazing mother some day and I'm already amazing mother to our sweet Chloe. After a good cry I pulled myself together and we headed to my parents. It was nice to be able to hide out at their place and I think my mom enjoyed having us there. She got me a beautiful necklace with a ring and a small heart inside that symbolizes the circle of her love. She got herself one to match and promised to wear it everyday until I get pregnant. Their faith and support means so much to me even though it breaks my heart to see them hurting for us.
We've also been very busy house hunting lately which has been a much welcomed distraction. D has accepted a new teaching/coaching job in a different school district. I think this change has been so good for him mentally as well. He's currently a principal at an elementary school. Considering our struggle I don't know how he handles the every day tasks of his job. It was obviously wearing on him. A job teaching Jr. High math and geography (his favorite subjects) paired with being able to go back to coaching (football and basketball) and being able to make the same money was a no brainer to me. He struggled some with the decision questioning if he was giving up or taking a step back. But ultimately accepted the job and seems at peace with it now. I know he's looking forward to having his summers off again (insert bitterness on my part here) which would come in super handy if we ever have a baby! (There's no escaping it- everything comes back to babies).
So..the house hunt. We've been in a rental since last fall as we sold our house to move into D's school district per the school board. However we hadn't found anything in that location and were really struggling with having to live in district. Now that he's got a new job we are free to live wherever we want (yeah!). So the hunt is on! We haven't found THE ONE yet, but the constant searching and dreaming has been a great distraction. I'm hoping the right house is right around the corner. I just keep thinking that, one way or another, this is going to be the house we bring our baby home to. And I want to be able to feel that when I walk in. Which I know sounds silly but that's how I feel. So the hunt continues.
In the meantime I'm reading and following. I'm celebrating our successes and praying for all of us still struggling. And hoping that, like the perfect house, the next step could happen any day.
Friday, May 8, 2015
Cycle Day.....I lost count.
Today is cycle day.....38?! WTF? I have no idea what is going on. I waited until I was four days late and then took a test thinking that as soon as I did that I would start. The test was negative and I didn't start. I took a second one when I was 7 days late. Could not have been more negative. Finally on Tuesday I called my CCRM nurse. She sent me orders for bloodwork to test my estrogen, progesterone, and of course HCG levels to try and figure out what's going on in my cycle. I guess I could have a cyst but since I haven't been on any drugs since March that seems weird. I'm still waiting to hear back on those results.
So I'm still here. Just waiting. As usual.
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