Over a year and 3 IVF cycles later my clinic decided to test my AMH levels. This is partially my fault for not asking but I did all sorts of research about Day 3 testing before I had mine done last July. I made the mistake of assuming that AMH was included in that group of testing. So last year when Dr. H. called to tell me that all of my tests came back normal except for my high FSH I thought that meant my AMH was fine. Come to find out after our last cycle (an FET in June) failed that it was not included and they wanted to test it now. So we did and today I finally got the results back. My level came in at 2.6 which is right in the middle of the normal range (1.5 - 4.0). I seriously wish someone would have been taping me when Nurse Jenny told me the news. I'm positive my jaw dropped all the way to the floor. I was just sure that it would be low but was hopefully it wouldn't be SO low that my situation was hopeless.
I'm not even sure what to do with this information. With my FSH only being slightly elevated (10.6) and my AMH being normal it does give me hope that this might (eventually) work for us. It also makes me question why our results have been so poor so far. Logically I know that these numbers are only indicators and there's no way to really know what your egg quality is or how many you have left. And my AMH being normal is an encouraging factor. So for now I'll just take that for what it's worth and focus on the positive.
Most importantly what these results mean is that we are officially "ON" for Aug. cycle. My meds were ordered today and next week we'll start suppression. I think I'm ready both emotionally and physically. Although the disappointment from the failed FET was intense, compared to the miscarriage it feels more like a bump in the road. I'm praying that this good news is just the start of more to come in the next couple months.
Infertility
Monday, July 14, 2014
Wednesday, July 9, 2014
Tough Days and Questions
In life there are good days and bad days. In the life of an infertile this is also true. Sunday was my 34th birthday. I worked really hard all day not to even think that thought in my mind, much less mumble it out loud. We all know that infertility robs us of so many joys in life and for me the celebration of my birthday is just another thing on that list. You see that day marked another year that passed where I'm still childless. Another year gone by where I'm no closer to achieving my dreams of having a family. The second birthday since my diagnosis where I wondered if I'll ever have a child. 34 should signify me quickly approaching the age where my fertility takes a nose dive. But in my case we already know that my fertility is much older than my actual age. I'd give about anything to be a "normal" 34 year old. But that is not the cards I've been dealt. So although it was a tough day, it's also now behind me. It's time to look ahead and be hopeful that it's this year, my 34th, where I'll become pregnant with our rainbow baby.
So, with focusing on the future I also got my calendar for this upcoming cycle. You'd think with this being my 4th round I wouldn't find it so intimidating but I still do. I also had my blood drawn for the AMH test. They said it would take 3-5 days to get those results, so I'm still waiting. I know better than to hope that it comes back normal, so I'm just praying the results aren't terrible. Like - there is no way this is ever going to happen for you - jump straight to donor eggs. In reality this wouldn't be the worst news they could give me. I've spent enough time thinking about it and I know in my heart that would be a viable option for us that we could explore. But I am also really hoping for one more cycle on our own. To complete the genetic testing and possibly get the answers we need for closure before moving to that step. But this is just one more thing that's out of my control so there's nothing to do but wait for the results.
As of now I'm going to be positive and plan as if we are moving forward with this next fresh cycle. I've been thinking/debating a lot about what I can do differently this cycle. On my very first cycle I did acupuncture. I'm not going to lie I did not enjoy it. Everyone says it's relaxing but honestly all I did was lay there and worry. Too much down time with no distractions is not a good thing for me. On my 2nd fresh cycle I did not do acupuncture. My lining was still good at 11mm and that was the cycle I became pregnant. (which was pretty short lived as we all know). I also did not do it for my FET which just failed. So I'm wondering if I should try it again for this next cycle. I kind of feel like this is our last shot with my own eggs so it makes sense to do everything we can. How do the rest of you feel about acupuncture?
Is there anything else you do/have done in cycle that you feel has a positive impact on success? I'd love to know the thoughts of those who have first hand experience. You are all my sounding board, my support system, and my hope to keep moving forward and trying. This journey would be impossible without you!
So, with focusing on the future I also got my calendar for this upcoming cycle. You'd think with this being my 4th round I wouldn't find it so intimidating but I still do. I also had my blood drawn for the AMH test. They said it would take 3-5 days to get those results, so I'm still waiting. I know better than to hope that it comes back normal, so I'm just praying the results aren't terrible. Like - there is no way this is ever going to happen for you - jump straight to donor eggs. In reality this wouldn't be the worst news they could give me. I've spent enough time thinking about it and I know in my heart that would be a viable option for us that we could explore. But I am also really hoping for one more cycle on our own. To complete the genetic testing and possibly get the answers we need for closure before moving to that step. But this is just one more thing that's out of my control so there's nothing to do but wait for the results.
As of now I'm going to be positive and plan as if we are moving forward with this next fresh cycle. I've been thinking/debating a lot about what I can do differently this cycle. On my very first cycle I did acupuncture. I'm not going to lie I did not enjoy it. Everyone says it's relaxing but honestly all I did was lay there and worry. Too much down time with no distractions is not a good thing for me. On my 2nd fresh cycle I did not do acupuncture. My lining was still good at 11mm and that was the cycle I became pregnant. (which was pretty short lived as we all know). I also did not do it for my FET which just failed. So I'm wondering if I should try it again for this next cycle. I kind of feel like this is our last shot with my own eggs so it makes sense to do everything we can. How do the rest of you feel about acupuncture?
Is there anything else you do/have done in cycle that you feel has a positive impact on success? I'd love to know the thoughts of those who have first hand experience. You are all my sounding board, my support system, and my hope to keep moving forward and trying. This journey would be impossible without you!
Thursday, July 3, 2014
A Reason to Celebrate
Happy almost 4th of July! This is my most favorite holiday and I'm so looking forward to the long weekend. We are planning on spending it boating on our lake enjoying the water, sunshine, and good friends. There's also a little thing called my birthday occurring but we are ignoring that this year to hopefully get through the weekend without any breakdowns on my part.
But the future is looking a little bit brighter than it was a week ago. On Tuesday I miraculously started my period! Then on Wednesday we had our WTF appointment with Dr. H. I was relieved that the options he layed out were what I expected. (As a recap I thought he would suggest another fresh cycle with genetic testing or donor eggs). His recommended path was to try again with my own eggs. He said that since we had a "success" (it sure doesn't feel like a success since it ended in miscarriage and we have no baby) that proves that I am capable of producing healthy embryos and no implantation issues. He feels like it's worth it to try another cycle with my eggs and we agree. We are going to test my AMH level (evidently they didn't do that a year ago when they did my day 3 blood work?!?) and that will let us know if we stick with the L8 protocol that we did last time or bump up to the L10. I'm VERY anxious to see what that number is since it's a good indicator of your egg quality. Since we already know my FSH is slightly elevated (10.6) the addition of this number will give us a better understanding of my fertility as a whole. I'm just praying it's not really, really low as in there's no chance for you. Dr. H. doesn't think it will be since I was able to become pregnant once.
So overall I'm feeling pretty good. Unless the AMH test comes back with terrible results and we need to reevaluate we are on path for Aug. cycle. I'm trying not to focus on all of the unknowns and things I have no control over (i.e. - how many mature eggs we'll get, how many embryos will form, what the genetic results will be, etc. etc.). Obviously it will be disappointing if we get through retrieval and do the genetic tests only to discover we have no "normal" embryos and nothing to transfer. But I'd rather know at that point than suffer through the 2ww. How my clinic does the CGH testing is they take 1 cell from each day 3 embryo. Then it's shipped off for the testing and we'll have the results on Day 5 so we can do a Day 5 transfer if we have any normal embryos. I'm going to pray really hard that we get as many eggs as we did last time if not more.
So...for now it's back on birth control and back to the waiting room. We've got lots of fun stuff happening this summer so I'm going to do my best to enjoy it and just focus on getting my body and mind ready to give this another try. This battle has taken it's toll on us, but we aren't done fighting yet. I know in the end it will be worth every tear, every shot, all the pain and all the waiting.
Monday, June 30, 2014
Worries
By now most of you have probably figured out I'm a worrier. Even in the best situations I can/will find something to worry about. It's funny because when it comes to friends and family I am a really positive person. Always being optimistic and supportive, so sure things will work out just fine. But that's not the case when it comes to my personal "stuff". I've been wondering lately if I've always been that way or if it's just another way that infertility has changed me. Whatever the cause, I just can't seem to find my positivity when it comes to this fight.
I stopped taking the PIO shots and the estrogen/progesterone suppositories 8 days ago. Still no signs of starting my period. This leads me to believe that I probably have another cyst. I spoke to Nurse Jenny this morning and she said that if I haven't started by Wed. when we have our WTF appointment that Dr. H. will do an ultrasound during that appointment to check for cysts. I basically need to start my period by July 18th in order to start BC pills for Aug. cycle. Why do I feel like that's never going to happen? Typically getting pushed one month wouldn't be such a big deal. But our fall is crazy. I'm in a wedding in a different state at the end of Sept. which is most likely when we would be looking at transfer for Sept. cycle. Same deal for Oct. - my husband and I are BOTH in a wedding that falls right when we would be looking at retrieval/transfer. If we were just attending the weddings I'd suck it up and just plan on skipping but that's not really an option when I'm a part of it. My clinic takes every November off and does not cycle that month so then we'd be looking at Dec. The thought of doing nothing but waiting until Dec. while my eggs only grow more rotten every day makes me want to jump off a bridge.
Then there's the fact that Dr. H could suggest some sort of surgery or procedure before we move forward. If that's the case we would also be looking at a delay. I mean right now I'm only guessing at what his recommended paths will be based on other conversations we've had and the results of the three cycles we've done. I could be totally off base and he could throw something at us that I've never even thought of. The worries are endless if I let my mind wander.
There's nothing to do but wait (and worry) until Wednesday actually gets here.
I stopped taking the PIO shots and the estrogen/progesterone suppositories 8 days ago. Still no signs of starting my period. This leads me to believe that I probably have another cyst. I spoke to Nurse Jenny this morning and she said that if I haven't started by Wed. when we have our WTF appointment that Dr. H. will do an ultrasound during that appointment to check for cysts. I basically need to start my period by July 18th in order to start BC pills for Aug. cycle. Why do I feel like that's never going to happen? Typically getting pushed one month wouldn't be such a big deal. But our fall is crazy. I'm in a wedding in a different state at the end of Sept. which is most likely when we would be looking at transfer for Sept. cycle. Same deal for Oct. - my husband and I are BOTH in a wedding that falls right when we would be looking at retrieval/transfer. If we were just attending the weddings I'd suck it up and just plan on skipping but that's not really an option when I'm a part of it. My clinic takes every November off and does not cycle that month so then we'd be looking at Dec. The thought of doing nothing but waiting until Dec. while my eggs only grow more rotten every day makes me want to jump off a bridge.
Then there's the fact that Dr. H could suggest some sort of surgery or procedure before we move forward. If that's the case we would also be looking at a delay. I mean right now I'm only guessing at what his recommended paths will be based on other conversations we've had and the results of the three cycles we've done. I could be totally off base and he could throw something at us that I've never even thought of. The worries are endless if I let my mind wander.
There's nothing to do but wait (and worry) until Wednesday actually gets here.
Wednesday, June 25, 2014
Be Patient
Thank you so much for all of the kind comments and emails. I'm very sad to report that my beta was negative. I tested on 9dp5dt and then again the morning of the beta (10dp5dt) and both home tests were negative. I knew in my heart before I even saw the results that it didn't work.
I'm doing okay. I mostly feel numb. Next month is our 1 year anniversary of our infertility diagnosis. When we first discovered that there were issues I remember wishing I could just fast forward to a year from now when this would all be behind us. But here we are - 2 Fresh IVF cycles, one FET, 3 transfers, and 5 beautiful embryos lost. I long ago lost track of the number of pills and injections I've given myself. The blood, bruises, hot flashes, headaches, and hormonal highs and lows no longer phase me. What once seemed like the biggest, most overwhelming experience of my life has become routine. And here we sit. Still childless, still heart broken, bleeding money and quickly losing hope.
This most recent disappointment has caused to me really question if having a family is in the cards for us. I've always been so sure in my heart that I was meant to be a mother. It's what I've always wanted, what I've always dreamed of. Even when dealing with the shock and devastation of an infertility diagnosis I still felt confident that I would have a baby. It just was going to take a little longer than we thought. And believe me I know there's so many of you who have been fighting this battle much longer than us. I guess I was just naive enough to think we'd be one of the lucky ones who got out quickly. It's not looking like that's the case.
We scheduled our WTF appointment for next week. I think that Dr. H. will lay out two paths for us. 1. Try a 3rd fresh cycle at the very highest medicated protocol (we were on the 2nd highest last time) and include genetic testing (CCS) of the embryos. 2. Donor Eggs.
My husband and I have spent a great deal of time over the weekend discussing this. He just isn't ready to make the jump to donor eggs. He really feels like we saw improved results (as far as number of eggs retrieved and number of viable embryos) with our last fresh cycle and if we try again on the most aggressive protocol we could possibly even get a couple more eggs/embryos then last time. He also thinks the genetic testing will give us some answers that will make things more clear. Which I guess I see his point. If the genetic results come back and none of our embryos are normal then that's a pretty good indicator that we should move on. But if we have several that are normal then it would confirm that I have more of an egg quantity problems vs. an egg quality problem.
My biggest thing is I just don't want to waste any more time. I'm sure part of it is that I turn 34 in 2 weeks. It just seems like with each disappointment and failure all I can think about is the fact that time is quickly running out.
But I am going to do my best to stay hopeful and positive. I have a lot to be grateful in my life and I need to remember that.
I'm doing okay. I mostly feel numb. Next month is our 1 year anniversary of our infertility diagnosis. When we first discovered that there were issues I remember wishing I could just fast forward to a year from now when this would all be behind us. But here we are - 2 Fresh IVF cycles, one FET, 3 transfers, and 5 beautiful embryos lost. I long ago lost track of the number of pills and injections I've given myself. The blood, bruises, hot flashes, headaches, and hormonal highs and lows no longer phase me. What once seemed like the biggest, most overwhelming experience of my life has become routine. And here we sit. Still childless, still heart broken, bleeding money and quickly losing hope.
This most recent disappointment has caused to me really question if having a family is in the cards for us. I've always been so sure in my heart that I was meant to be a mother. It's what I've always wanted, what I've always dreamed of. Even when dealing with the shock and devastation of an infertility diagnosis I still felt confident that I would have a baby. It just was going to take a little longer than we thought. And believe me I know there's so many of you who have been fighting this battle much longer than us. I guess I was just naive enough to think we'd be one of the lucky ones who got out quickly. It's not looking like that's the case.
We scheduled our WTF appointment for next week. I think that Dr. H. will lay out two paths for us. 1. Try a 3rd fresh cycle at the very highest medicated protocol (we were on the 2nd highest last time) and include genetic testing (CCS) of the embryos. 2. Donor Eggs.
My husband and I have spent a great deal of time over the weekend discussing this. He just isn't ready to make the jump to donor eggs. He really feels like we saw improved results (as far as number of eggs retrieved and number of viable embryos) with our last fresh cycle and if we try again on the most aggressive protocol we could possibly even get a couple more eggs/embryos then last time. He also thinks the genetic testing will give us some answers that will make things more clear. Which I guess I see his point. If the genetic results come back and none of our embryos are normal then that's a pretty good indicator that we should move on. But if we have several that are normal then it would confirm that I have more of an egg quantity problems vs. an egg quality problem.
My biggest thing is I just don't want to waste any more time. I'm sure part of it is that I turn 34 in 2 weeks. It just seems like with each disappointment and failure all I can think about is the fact that time is quickly running out.
But I am going to do my best to stay hopeful and positive. I have a lot to be grateful in my life and I need to remember that.
Friday, June 20, 2014
Are you there?
This morning as I kissed my husband goodbye I told him that I loved him and if Frosty was still in there he loved him too. This 2ww is passing - we are over the halfway mark - and I guess I'm surviving. I haven't been in the best of moods but I don't feel like I've given up hope either. All I really feel like is a crazy person. On one hand I have what I think of as "hopeful" symptoms and on the other it seems the symptoms I do have could just be chalked up to the drugs and what I'm lacking is a tell tale sign that this transfer was not successful. All of the over-thinking, analyzing, and ups and downs are enough to drive the most stable person crazy. But I'm holding on.
I definitely had some cramping during the implantation time - but no implantation bleeding (I did notice this with my last transfer that ended in an early miscarriage). I now have more of what I'd call a "heavy" feeling in my lower pelvic area. I'm having some lower back pain and just yesterday I felt like I got lightheaded and/or nauseous a couple times. However the thing that's really throwing me off is my boobs are not sore whatsoever. Which is crazy considering the amount of progesterone I'm on, and seems like a dead giveaway to me that this did not work. Yesterday I did feel like *maybe* my nipples were a little more sensitive but honestly all of this could just be straight up in my head.
For those of you who have been through this I know you understand what a complete mind f*ck this all is (Sorry for the language Mom). By Beta time I am just ready to KNOW, even if the news is bad. I can't stand the waiting and wondering any longer. Just a few more days. I've been thinking about testing at home just so I can be more prepared. As of right now my plan is to test at home the morning before beta. I mean the worse that can happen is I'm bummed out and it turns out to be positive which would be the best news ever. Right now I"m totally in the zone where some people get positives and some get negatives only to get a positive HPT within the next couple days. I really don't need to add to my insanity so I'm staying away from that.
So to quote my friend Amanda - Ever Onward. One way or another we'll have some answers in a few days. If you are in there little one I hope you can feel how much we love you, how badly we want this. I'm praying for you every day and you are in my mind and heart.
I definitely had some cramping during the implantation time - but no implantation bleeding (I did notice this with my last transfer that ended in an early miscarriage). I now have more of what I'd call a "heavy" feeling in my lower pelvic area. I'm having some lower back pain and just yesterday I felt like I got lightheaded and/or nauseous a couple times. However the thing that's really throwing me off is my boobs are not sore whatsoever. Which is crazy considering the amount of progesterone I'm on, and seems like a dead giveaway to me that this did not work. Yesterday I did feel like *maybe* my nipples were a little more sensitive but honestly all of this could just be straight up in my head.
For those of you who have been through this I know you understand what a complete mind f*ck this all is (Sorry for the language Mom). By Beta time I am just ready to KNOW, even if the news is bad. I can't stand the waiting and wondering any longer. Just a few more days. I've been thinking about testing at home just so I can be more prepared. As of right now my plan is to test at home the morning before beta. I mean the worse that can happen is I'm bummed out and it turns out to be positive which would be the best news ever. Right now I"m totally in the zone where some people get positives and some get negatives only to get a positive HPT within the next couple days. I really don't need to add to my insanity so I'm staying away from that.
So to quote my friend Amanda - Ever Onward. One way or another we'll have some answers in a few days. If you are in there little one I hope you can feel how much we love you, how badly we want this. I'm praying for you every day and you are in my mind and heart.
Monday, June 16, 2014
The Day that *Could* Change Everything
Well we did it! One more transfer under our belt. We were able to transfer our one little embryo that we have left. Our fighter. Our hope. Our baby.
I was a complete nervous wreck the morning of transfer. My appointment wasn't until the afternoon and I knew they were beginning the thaw that morning. Every time my phone made a noise D and I almost threw up, certain it was the clinic calling to tell us that he didn't survive. But our tough little guy came through again with no issues. We woke up early on transfer day and went for a run together, then out to breakfast. It was so nice to have some time together just the two of us. We made the decision not to tell anyone the exact time of our transfer so we could pass along information when we were ready on our own terms (in case of bad news). An hour before our appointment I started drinking my water and then we headed to the clinic. We were the last appointment of the day and as soon as I got there they gave me some Valium to help with the anxiety (thank you Jesus) and I immediately asked how our little guy was doing. They assured me that the thaw went fine and Dr. H. would be in to talk to us before transfer. I got undressed and laid on the table with D sitting next to me. Of course my amazing staff was in and out prepping me and getting us ready all the while easing our anxiety and showering us with love and positivity. It was a special day at my clinic as the head of the center who is based in a different state was in town and there for my transfer. I was a little nervous about having a new player in the mix but figured another set of eyes and expert opinion couldn't hurt. Finally Dr. H. came in with the above picture of our little guy and explained to us that on Day 5 they want to see the cells evenly sized with a mass in the middle and they want it to be clear when they look at it through the microscope. He said that Frosty had all of those characteristics which was good news. He patted my knee in his fatherly way and said he'd be back shortly to begin. D and I sat together studying the picture of the life we created (well with a whole lot of help). A piece of him and a piece of me. Tears stung my eyes as I prayed over the picture of our sweet little embaby and my heart filled with hope. My nurses came in and checked my bladder to make sure it was full enough and we were good to go. Before I knew it the room was full of people bustling around. Jo my faithful, kind nurse was there holding the ultrasound wand on my stomach to that Dr. H could see my uterus. She squeezed my hand and offered a reassuring smile. Nurse Jenny - my life line, was behind Dr. H. to assist if he needed anything. Dr. H walked in with the head doctor who introduced himself to us and shook D's hand telling us how excited he was to be present today. As Dr. H. assumed the position they talked us through everything. We saw the catheter come onto the ultrasound screen and heard the Embryologist in the lab open the connecting window and asked us to confirm our names and that we were transferring one Day 5 blastocyst. D and I answered yes together and then Frosty was there in the room. Once I saw her pass the embryo through the window I immediately relaxed. We were reunited, together again. And regardless of if this transfer is successful the life that we had all worked so hard to create was about to be placed where it belonged - inside me. Dr. H. walked us through the steps telling us to watch the screen. We saw the embryo come up through the catheter and then the magical moment where they released it into my uterus. While I wasn't as emotional as my first transfer, and not as overwhelmed as I was in my second I simply felt at peace. This is what I had been waiting for. Finally he was home.
The catheter was checked in the lab under the microscope to confirm that the embryo was released and they snapped this beautiful picture on the u/s machine.
The rest of the appointment was pretty uneventful. I laid on the table for 30 min. trying not to pee everywhere and then we headed home. I slept most of the rest of the afternoon and basically was on bed rest the next day as well. We watched lots of Netflix and movies and just relaxed.
So...now the dreaded 2ww. Is there anything more hard? I hate how helpless I feel during this week. I take my meds and do my shots and pray that this is it. I wish there was more I could do for this child of ours that I love with all my heart.
I got to thinking on Father's Day yesterday, which was another hard day for us, that this is the 5th embryo we've transferred. It seems so....unfair that we've lost 4 of our babies already. I know there's many people in the world that will argue with me but each of those embryos we implanted was a baby to me. A piece of myself and the man that I love. A chance. A hope. At this point of our infertility journey it's all I have and I cherish them all. I hope this last one, our fighter, our tough little one is strong enough to continue to fight. I pray that 9 months from now I can hold him or her in my arms and my tears will finally be tears of joy and gratitude.
I was a complete nervous wreck the morning of transfer. My appointment wasn't until the afternoon and I knew they were beginning the thaw that morning. Every time my phone made a noise D and I almost threw up, certain it was the clinic calling to tell us that he didn't survive. But our tough little guy came through again with no issues. We woke up early on transfer day and went for a run together, then out to breakfast. It was so nice to have some time together just the two of us. We made the decision not to tell anyone the exact time of our transfer so we could pass along information when we were ready on our own terms (in case of bad news). An hour before our appointment I started drinking my water and then we headed to the clinic. We were the last appointment of the day and as soon as I got there they gave me some Valium to help with the anxiety (thank you Jesus) and I immediately asked how our little guy was doing. They assured me that the thaw went fine and Dr. H. would be in to talk to us before transfer. I got undressed and laid on the table with D sitting next to me. Of course my amazing staff was in and out prepping me and getting us ready all the while easing our anxiety and showering us with love and positivity. It was a special day at my clinic as the head of the center who is based in a different state was in town and there for my transfer. I was a little nervous about having a new player in the mix but figured another set of eyes and expert opinion couldn't hurt. Finally Dr. H. came in with the above picture of our little guy and explained to us that on Day 5 they want to see the cells evenly sized with a mass in the middle and they want it to be clear when they look at it through the microscope. He said that Frosty had all of those characteristics which was good news. He patted my knee in his fatherly way and said he'd be back shortly to begin. D and I sat together studying the picture of the life we created (well with a whole lot of help). A piece of him and a piece of me. Tears stung my eyes as I prayed over the picture of our sweet little embaby and my heart filled with hope. My nurses came in and checked my bladder to make sure it was full enough and we were good to go. Before I knew it the room was full of people bustling around. Jo my faithful, kind nurse was there holding the ultrasound wand on my stomach to that Dr. H could see my uterus. She squeezed my hand and offered a reassuring smile. Nurse Jenny - my life line, was behind Dr. H. to assist if he needed anything. Dr. H walked in with the head doctor who introduced himself to us and shook D's hand telling us how excited he was to be present today. As Dr. H. assumed the position they talked us through everything. We saw the catheter come onto the ultrasound screen and heard the Embryologist in the lab open the connecting window and asked us to confirm our names and that we were transferring one Day 5 blastocyst. D and I answered yes together and then Frosty was there in the room. Once I saw her pass the embryo through the window I immediately relaxed. We were reunited, together again. And regardless of if this transfer is successful the life that we had all worked so hard to create was about to be placed where it belonged - inside me. Dr. H. walked us through the steps telling us to watch the screen. We saw the embryo come up through the catheter and then the magical moment where they released it into my uterus. While I wasn't as emotional as my first transfer, and not as overwhelmed as I was in my second I simply felt at peace. This is what I had been waiting for. Finally he was home.
The catheter was checked in the lab under the microscope to confirm that the embryo was released and they snapped this beautiful picture on the u/s machine.
The rest of the appointment was pretty uneventful. I laid on the table for 30 min. trying not to pee everywhere and then we headed home. I slept most of the rest of the afternoon and basically was on bed rest the next day as well. We watched lots of Netflix and movies and just relaxed.
So...now the dreaded 2ww. Is there anything more hard? I hate how helpless I feel during this week. I take my meds and do my shots and pray that this is it. I wish there was more I could do for this child of ours that I love with all my heart.
I got to thinking on Father's Day yesterday, which was another hard day for us, that this is the 5th embryo we've transferred. It seems so....unfair that we've lost 4 of our babies already. I know there's many people in the world that will argue with me but each of those embryos we implanted was a baby to me. A piece of myself and the man that I love. A chance. A hope. At this point of our infertility journey it's all I have and I cherish them all. I hope this last one, our fighter, our tough little one is strong enough to continue to fight. I pray that 9 months from now I can hold him or her in my arms and my tears will finally be tears of joy and gratitude.
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