Just Keep Swimming

Hi remember Me?  I feel like those of you who follow me will see this come up in your news feed and be like "Who's that girl?!".  And I totally wouldn't blame you.  I have unintentionally taken a hiatus from blogging.  No big reason.  Well...maybe that's not 100% true.  I guess I can admit that I've felt a little left behind lately.  That on top of the fact that there really hasn't been much to say led to the hiatus.  I mean how many times can I whine about the waiting and how bad all of this sucks.  You guys all know.  You get it.  However I finally spent some time catching up on all of your blogs and even though I am still feeling a little left behind I'm also feeling so much hope and happiness for those of you who have found success.  I mean there has been some crazy awesome stuff happening to some pretty special ladies.  Most of whom fought this battle longer than I have.  So...renewed hope combined with a little bit of progress in my world = news worthy of a blog post!

So this CCRM thing...... it's really happening.  My last cycle was ridiculous.  Something like 52 days and I only got my period because we induced it.  I have no idea what's going on with my body other than it's been on a lot of hormones for 2+ years and is basically just jacked up.  As a quick recap I had my ODWU with CCRM in April.  This appointment has be between when you stopped bleeding but before ovulation.  I proactively brought my day 3 blood work with me because the AWESOME facebook group I joined online gave me the heads up that I could save myself a month if I brought it with.  However the results were inconclusive  So after my appt. in Colorado I still needed to wait until I started my period again to have the blood work re-done before we could get our protocol.  Once again with the thought of saving time in the future I scheduled my beta 3 integrin test for the month of April (it has to be done between 9-11 days after ovulation).  Those results came back inconclusive as well.  Actually it came back "out of phase" which means even though I got a positive result on the ovulation stick my uterine tissue was saying that it wasn't the right time.  Super.  Frustrating.  Then I waited forever for my period which never came and we induced it with progesterone and I think they just felt sorry for me and finally agreed to just give me my calendar.  So we were able to schedule our regroup with Dr. Schoolcraft and he was......fine.  Honestly I know everyone says he can be kind of a jerk but my experience with him so far as been good.  He doesn't volunteer a bunch of additional information but he answers all my questions and I never feel rushed.  He basically said that there were no red flags from our ODWU.  My hysteroscopy and uterus looked "great" and the partially blocked tube isn't a issue since fluid isn't flowing back into my uterus.  He was optimistic about my AFC (16) and felt like based upon my past response he wanted to put me on protocol 3.  For you non-CCRMer's that is what they like to call their "poor responder" protocol.  It's not much different from what I did at my local clinic with the exception of there will be no BCP or Lupron for suppression.  Instead I'll be using estrogen patches to "prime" and we'll begin stims right after my period starts.  I feel like this protocol moves FAST since I'm used to the long lupron cycles.  So I'll start the patches on Wed. along with Cetrotide injections on Thurs.  I should start my period on Sunday and then have an u/s and blood work on the 1st and if every thing is good begin stim meds on the 2nd.  We'll travel to Colorado the next week and be monitored every day and then depending on how it goes we should be ready for retrieval that weekend or the beginning of the following week.

I think for us the biggest decision at CCRM is deciding if we are going to do the Family Building Program which is their embryo banking.  Dr. Schoolcraft didn't bring it up in our regroup but I asked him about it and he said based on my previous cycles he felt like that was a good idea.  How it works is it's 3 retrievals in a row (well it's about 8 weeks in between with waiting on your period and priming).  They retrieve your eggs and fertilize them and freeze them at the 2PN stage.  Then after your third retrieval they thaw everything and let them all grow to Day 5.  At that point they do the CCS genetic testing on the embryos that have made it to blast and freeze everything again.  It takes a couple weeks to get the results and then you can start prepping for a FET providing that you have "normal" embryos to transfer.  I've heard the entire process takes anywhere from 6 - 9 months.  Ouch.  So basically we are looking at not being able to transfer until 2016.  Once again....Ouch.  You guys all know how brutal the waiting is.  However based upon my research and conversations with others I was expecting this.  So while I wasn't completely devastated by the news it's still a hard pill to swallow.
As of right now I think we've decided that is our plan.  The hope being we'll suck it up and do this and this will be the last time we'll ever have to do retrievals.  We are praying that we get enough normals to at least get one take home baby....possibly even two.  And then it's all worth it right?

I'd be lying if I said I'm not secretly hoping for great numbers and the possibility that we could only have to do 2 retrievals vs. the 3.  If we could get results similar to my last cycle at my local clinic I think we'd definitely be in that boat.  But I'm also super nervous about how I"m going to respond to this new protocol, not to mention that I haven't done a retrieval in 9 months.  What if my body has forgotten how to make eggs?!  There's all sorts of fears that come along with trying something new but I just have to keep reminding myself of all the reasons we chose to come to CCRM in the first place.

One day at a time.  One foot in front of the other.  Just.  Keep.  Swimming.

You know when...

You know you are a fertility patient when you are waiting in the ultrasound room at the doctors and almost grab the wand to check yourself....

I've been sitting on the table half naked for 30 min waiting on my OBGYN. I'm getting an ultrasound today to check for a cyst since I'm now more than 3 weeks late for my period. Took another pregnancy test this morning....still negative. Just want to get this resolved and move on. 

Stay tuned 

The Hunt

I'm the worst blogger ever. I've sat down to write several times but there's nothing to say. Nothing's changed since my last post. My bloodwork came back and my estrogen level was raised indicating a cyst. We gave it a couple weeks hoping it would resolve itself but still nothing. I have an ultrasound scheduled for Thursday with my OBGYN. Depending on the size of the cyst we'll either drain it or start me on birth control for a week to shrink it. 

I can't believe that May is almost over and we haven't progressed any further since April. I really hoped I'd be on meds by now with a June retrieval on the horizon. When do you think I'll finally realize there is no planning, no control. Have I mentioned how much I hate that??

However I am happy to report D seems to be back to his old self. It was a rough couple of months after our last failed cycle but I think the change in weather has really helped. We survived another Mother's Day. As usual it wasn't easy. I woke up and gave myself a mental pep talk in the shower. However I got out and took one look at him and lost it. He told me that he knows I'll be an amazing mother some day and I'm already amazing mother to our sweet Chloe. After a good cry I pulled myself together and we headed to my parents. It was nice to be able to hide out at their place and I think my mom enjoyed having us there. She got me a beautiful necklace with a ring and a small heart inside that symbolizes the circle of her love. She got herself one to match and promised to wear it everyday until I get pregnant. Their faith and support means so much to me even though it breaks my heart to see them hurting for us. 

We've also been very busy house hunting lately which has been a much welcomed distraction. D has accepted a new teaching/coaching job in a different school district. I think this change has been so good for him mentally as well. He's currently a principal at an elementary school. Considering our struggle I don't know how he handles the every day tasks of his job. It was obviously wearing on him. A job teaching Jr. High math and geography (his favorite subjects) paired with being able to go back to coaching (football and basketball) and being able to make the same money was a no brainer to me. He struggled some with the decision questioning if he was giving up or taking a step back. But ultimately accepted the job and seems at peace with it now. I know he's looking forward to having his summers off again (insert bitterness on my part here) which would come in super handy if we ever have a baby!  (There's no escaping it- everything comes back to babies). 

So..the house hunt. We've been in a rental since last fall as we sold our house to move into D's school district per the school board. However we hadn't found anything in that location and were really struggling with having to live in district. Now that he's got a new job we are free to live wherever we want (yeah!). So the hunt is on!  We haven't found THE ONE yet, but the constant searching and dreaming has been a great distraction.  I'm hoping the right house is right around the corner. I just keep thinking that, one way or another, this is going to be the house we bring our baby home to. And I want to be able to feel that when I walk in. Which I know sounds silly but that's how I feel. So the hunt continues. 

In the meantime I'm reading and following. I'm celebrating our successes and praying for all of us still struggling. And hoping that, like the perfect house, the next step could happen any day. 

Cycle Day.....I lost count.

Today is cycle day.....38?!  WTF?  I have no idea what is going on. I waited until I was four days late and then took a test thinking that as soon as I did that I would start. The test was negative and I didn't start. I took a second one when I was 7 days late. Could not have been more negative. Finally on Tuesday I called my CCRM nurse. She sent me orders for bloodwork to test my estrogen, progesterone, and of course HCG levels to try and figure out what's going on in my cycle. I guess I could have a cyst but since I haven't been on any drugs since March that seems weird. I'm still waiting to hear back on those results. 

So I'm still here. Just waiting. As usual. 

I Know, I Understand.....You are Not Alone

It's here.  This is a big week you guys.  Those of you who don't struggle with infertility probably don't even know.  This week is National Infertility Awareness Week and RESOLVE's theme for 2015 is You Are Not Alone.  How fitting, how right. If you are struggling with infertility and are reading this You Are Not Alone because I Know how you feel.  I Understand.

I know that you are living out your deepest darkest fears.  I understand the physical pain that you feel in your heart, in your gut, from the shear WANT of having a baby of your own.  I know the embarrassment you feel and I understand your shame of not being able to do what others do so easily.  I know how much you dread the questions that inevidently always come.  I understand just how deep people's comments and advice cut.  

You are not alone.  And while I've been fortunate enough to have family and close friends support me throughout my 2+ year journey it's been this community that has saved me and seen me through.  Because as much as the support and encouragement of those closest to me means, they cannot truly understand what I'm going through.  What well meaning people don't seem to get is this is not a situation that can be fixed.  I'm a fixer by nature.  I want to help those I love solve their problems and I think I'm pretty good at it.  But this is a situation that cannot be fixed and I'm not looking for answers.  What I am looking for is someone to listen, to hold me up when the hurt and pain crushes me.  Someone to cry with me when the worry, the shame, the guilt makes me feel so small.  Someone to love me when I can't love myself.  

Because I feel all of those things.  Logically I know this is not my fault.  That I'm not being punished and nothing I've done, or my husband has done, in the past has caused us to not be able to have the child we so desperately want.  I know this.  But still I feel the guilt.  Of not being able to give my husband that child when someone else could.  I feel the shame and embarrassment that there's something essential and basic WRONG with me.  I feel jealous of good people, deserving people. who get pregnant and have babies.  I feel hateful towards people who have babies that I judge to be undeserving even though I know I have no room to judge anyone.  Then I feel more guilt for these terrible thoughts that run through my head confirming that I am a terrible person and maybe I DON'T deserve a child.  

I know the struggles that is your daily life.  That there's no escape from the pain associated with infertility.  I know that just getting out of bed in the morning is a huge step.  And that from the minute you turn on your TV, check Facebook, walk out your front door you are surrounded by constant reminders of what you don't have. 

I know the hope that fills you each month or each cycle.  I understand that after every failure you wonder how you could have been so stupid to let that hope in.  I know the devastation of a miscarriage.  It was FINALLY your time.  You put your blood, sweat, tears, and entire life savings into having a baby and before you could even celebrate that success it's been stripped away from you in the blink of an eye.  I understand that this disease has changed you.  That you'll never be the person you were before this struggle.  That you've lost friends or family members because they couldn't understand what you were going through.  I understand the anger and frustration that goes with this different kind of hurt of feeling rejected by someone you love.  Of being made to feel like your struggle is insignificant.  Of being judged for not being grateful for what you do have (and PS - I know you ARE grateful for the blessings in your life).  

You are not alone.  Through this community I've found comfort in those that have walked in my shoes.  Everyday I find hope in those who have fought this battle and had success.  I've found understanding with people who are experiencing what I am.  I've found acceptance, friendship, love, and support.  You are not alone.  We are not alone.  I encourage you to reach out, to engage. To lean on, learn from, and find comfort in those who share your pain.  You are not alone.  We are not alone.  And together we will weather this storm.  

Long Over "Due"......

I just couldn't resist using the quotes in the title since I'm obviously not "due" with anything.  Just trying to keep the humor in this situation because obviously what else can you do?

So I'm sorry I've been MIA.  Life has been CRAZY and not exactly great lately.  The last month or so has been pretty rough as D (my husband) is really struggling.  He's been so awesome throughout this entire process.  So supportive and positive and definitely the rock in our relationship.  However after this last failure (3 fresh cycles, and 5 transfers) it seems it's just all really hit him hard.  When we started our 3rd fresh cycle coming off an early miscarriage and a failed FET we knew that if it didn't work CCRM was our backup plan.  I think it helped both of us knowing what our next step would be.  However it's clear now that he never believed it would come to that.  And now that it has he's really struggling with a lot of the feelings and emotions that I had much earlier on.  I know he's depressed and pretty bitter and angry about the situation.  All of which is perfectly normal.  But it's been SO difficult to watch him struggle.  It's truly one of the hardest parts of this whole mess - is seeing him hurting.  But after all he's done for me and gotten me through I know it's my turn to do the same for him.  It's my turn to be the positive person and carry us through this.

All that being said we are making progress with CCRM.  We went out for our One Day Work Up and survived.  It was INTENSE - just like everyone warned me it would be.  And sadly Dr. Schoolcraft was out of the office that day so we didn't get to meet him in person.  We did have a brief one-on-one with Dr. Surrey who I LOVED.  It was obvious that he took the time to read our file and he answered the few questions we did have and was very optimistic about our case.  He performed my hysteroscopy and while I technically won't get any of the results from all of our tests that day until my phone follow up with Dr. Schoolcraft, he did tell me that everything looked "normal".  So that was reassuring.  I also passed my Doppler ultrasound with flying colors and my AFC (antral follicle count) was 16!  Guys that's almost normal (WTH???).  So that was all pretty promising.  The one issue we did discover was during my HSG.  I've never had that test done before and turns out one of my tubes is "partially" blocked.  The dye didn't flow through during the procedure but once I stood up and moved around and they did the final x-ray we could see that it did flow through.  I'm not really sure what that means for us moving forward.  The nurse was able to tell me that the one thing they are looking for in the HSG (related to IVF) is when the fluid flows BACK into the uterus.  This did not happen so I'm not sure if they will even want to do anything about that tube or just leave it be.  That's information we'll get at the follow up call.  D also gave a sperm sample that day and we got tons of blood work drawn.  And attended CCRM orientation and signed a billion forms.  That was pretty much the day!  So all in all not terrible and one more thing off our list.

I had some to-do's to take home with me and get done.  I needed an updated pap, a full physical, lab work to test for immunizations, my TSH, and some other levels (Vitamin D??).  In addition Dr. Schoolcraft also wanted me to do the beta 3 integrity test.  I had to test with ovulation sticks for my LH surge (which surprisingly hit right on schedule on Day 14 of my cycle).  Then the test needs to be done 9-11 days later.  Today was day 10 and I had the biopsy this morning.  It was NOT pleasant but it's done and I took my piece of tissue and shipped it off via second day Fed Ex.  (I text my best friend and told her I was just cruising to Fed Ex with tissue from my uterus riding shotgun.....this is my life).  So that's one more big to-do crossed off the list.  The last thing remaining is my Day 3 blood draw.  So once I start my period I'll get that drawn and they will spin it and I have a special kit to ship it to CCRM who will run the tests in their lab.  We've tentatively scheduled our phone follow up with Dr. Schoolcraft for May 6th since I should start my period this weekend and that would allow me to get the blood drawn and shipped out there.  I'm super nervous/anxious for that meeting.  If they don't want to do any further tests I should get my protocol recommendation from him that day and potentially my calendar!  If he decides he wants to do surgery on that tube or anything else there will obviously be more delays.  I am just really hoping we can do at least the retrieval this summer as D is off (he's a teacher) so would be free to come to Colorado with me for the entire 7-10 days.

So.....that's where we are!  Overall I've been impressed with CCRM and I'm feeling hopeful.  Obviously I'm scared that we won't get a lot of eggs and none of the embryos will make it day 5, which they need to in order to do the CCS testing.  Then if we do have some that make it we won't have any that are normal.  But I remind myself that CCRM has the best lab in the country which gives our embryos the best chance.  And I *think* we are capable of producing genetically normal embryos since the crappy Day 3 testing we did proved that (even through it probably fatally damaged the embryos in the process).  I guess the hardest part is knowing this is the end of the road for us.  Before when we were cycling locally we always had CCRM in our back pocket.  Now that we are here where does that leave us if this doesn't work??  Those are the fears that keep me up at night.

And while this past month or so has been rough we've also had some good times.  We attended Opening Day for the Cubs at Wrigley Field with FREE tickets from my work and had a great time.  We also celebrated another anniversary and felt much love and support from family and friends on that milestone.  And while it's been really tough to watch D struggle I know when this is all over we'll be stronger because of it.  We've already gotten through so much and while it hasn't been easy we are still fighting this battle together and on the same page.  In the anniversary card that he got me he wrote "All I need to know is that we'll be together forever".  And that, my friends, is what it's all about.

The Reality

First off thanks to all of you who made the effort to find my new blog home.  I've heard so many of you talk about friendships that you lost due to your infertility struggle and I'm experiencing that first hand.  It's a different kind of hurt on top of our most recent disappointment.  But such is life I guess.

So here we are at the point I prayed we would never get to.  CCRM.  It was a comfort to me knowing we had worked so hard and saved enough money to go to what is arguable the best fertility clinic in the country.  And having a a backup plan always makes me feel better.  But now that we are here and it's becoming real I feel paralyzed with fear.  Obviously my thoughts jump to what happens if this doesn't work?  What if CCRM discovers something majorly wrong with me?  What if we can't get the number of eggs we did in the past?  What if none of them are genetically normal?  We saved enough money to cover potentially 2 fresh cycles there.....what if we do one and then for some reason we are encouraged to go with donor eggs or a surrogate.  We definitely don't have enough money for that.  I know I'll drive myself crazy thinking of all of the What If's.  But it's hard to shut it off.

That being said I did find the courage to reach out to CCRM to schedule our ODW (one day workup).  For those of you not familiar with their protocol this is a full day of appointments and testing that is the first major step when becoming a patient at CCRM.  They will perform a hysteroscopy, communicable disease blood test for both of us, a semen analysis for D, the antisperm antibody screening, pelvic ultrasound and doppler study of blood flow through my uterus.  Then we'll have a regroup with Dr. Schoolcraft to review the test results and he'll recommend a treatment plan.  My issue is they want to do this appointment sometime between day 4 and 12 of my cycle.  I'm currently waiting to start my period.  I did my last PIO shot on Wed.  I'm hoping to start my period this week but who knows.  CCRM wants to schedule my ODW for Friday April 3rd which  means I need to start by Sunday.  Obviously it adds a whole layer of complexity when you are trying to book flights, hotels, time off work, etc.  So right now we are waiting (boy does that feel familiar).


For those of you who have are/were CCRM patients I'd love to hear from you!  Advice, thoughts, experiences - are all welcome!