I know that you are living out your deepest darkest fears. I understand the physical pain that you feel in your heart, in your gut, from the shear WANT of having a baby of your own. I know the embarrassment you feel and I understand your shame of not being able to do what others do so easily. I know how much you dread the questions that inevidently always come. I understand just how deep people's comments and advice cut.
You are not alone. And while I've been fortunate enough to have family and close friends support me throughout my 2+ year journey it's been this community that has saved me and seen me through. Because as much as the support and encouragement of those closest to me means, they cannot truly understand what I'm going through. What well meaning people don't seem to get is this is not a situation that can be fixed. I'm a fixer by nature. I want to help those I love solve their problems and I think I'm pretty good at it. But this is a situation that cannot be fixed and I'm not looking for answers. What I am looking for is someone to listen, to hold me up when the hurt and pain crushes me. Someone to cry with me when the worry, the shame, the guilt makes me feel so small. Someone to love me when I can't love myself.
Because I feel all of those things. Logically I know this is not my fault. That I'm not being punished and nothing I've done, or my husband has done, in the past has caused us to not be able to have the child we so desperately want. I know this. But still I feel the guilt. Of not being able to give my husband that child when someone else could. I feel the shame and embarrassment that there's something essential and basic WRONG with me. I feel jealous of good people, deserving people. who get pregnant and have babies. I feel hateful towards people who have babies that I judge to be undeserving even though I know I have no room to judge anyone. Then I feel more guilt for these terrible thoughts that run through my head confirming that I am a terrible person and maybe I DON'T deserve a child.
I know the struggles that is your daily life. That there's no escape from the pain associated with infertility. I know that just getting out of bed in the morning is a huge step. And that from the minute you turn on your TV, check Facebook, walk out your front door you are surrounded by constant reminders of what you don't have.
I know the hope that fills you each month or each cycle. I understand that after every failure you wonder how you could have been so stupid to let that hope in. I know the devastation of a miscarriage. It was FINALLY your time. You put your blood, sweat, tears, and entire life savings into having a baby and before you could even celebrate that success it's been stripped away from you in the blink of an eye. I understand that this disease has changed you. That you'll never be the person you were before this struggle. That you've lost friends or family members because they couldn't understand what you were going through. I understand the anger and frustration that goes with this different kind of hurt of feeling rejected by someone you love. Of being made to feel like your struggle is insignificant. Of being judged for not being grateful for what you do have (and PS - I know you ARE grateful for the blessings in your life).
You are not alone. Through this community I've found comfort in those that have walked in my shoes. Everyday I find hope in those who have fought this battle and had success. I've found understanding with people who are experiencing what I am. I've found acceptance, friendship, love, and support. You are not alone. We are not alone. I encourage you to reach out, to engage. To lean on, learn from, and find comfort in those who share your pain. You are not alone. We are not alone. And together we will weather this storm.
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