Frosty

It feels funny to even write about being in cycle.  I'm not really sure why but so far this FET cycle has been pretty low key.  I've been on Lupron for suppression for 2 weeks now.  The shots are annoying (the tummy bruising more so) but I don't have too many side effects from them.  I've been taking my dexamethasone and prenatal vitamins as well.  I did my first IM delestrogen shot on Tues. night.  We are progressing slowly but surely.  

On Monday I go in for an endometrial scratch?  Has anyone had this done before?  It's supposed to help with implantation so I'm all for it if it works but it sounds painful.  But at this point really I'll do anything.  While I'm definitely hopeful that this cycle works I'm also trying to stay very level headed about it.  Our 1 little embryo, "Frosty", is all we have left for this try.  Honestly I don't even know any details about his grade or rating.  I know he made it to blast on day 5 and was frozen.  I am hoping and praying that he survives the thaw so we actually have something to transfer.  There's a part of me that thinks that he's made it this far maybe he really is the one.  We've never transferred a five day blast, only day 3 embryos.  But another part of me knows we transferred three last time and still have no baby, so it's hard to feel super hopeful for one. 

I'm not sure if my low key attitude is a good thing or no.  But I'm sure it's a good thing that I'm not super stressed and over-thinking everything.  So I'm going to try and remain positive and put my faith and trust in God and his plan for us.  I pray that his plan is for Frosty to be our take home baby. 

In other news we are enjoying summer and our time on our boat on the lake.  The three day weekend was great, with the exception of getting caught in some rain storms on Monday afternoon.  It's felt wonderful to get outside and run again and I'm finally back to my "normal" mile times.  I feel like my body is in a healthy place as I've finally lost the weight I put on with my first 2 IVF cycles.  So overall I'm feeling pretty good!  Now if I can just get pregnant and STAY pregnant life would be pretty perfect (don't we all feel that!).

Here's some pictures of our weekend on the lake!  Our dog Chloe thinks she's the captain of the boat :) 

One of those days....

It's not often I go a full day without thinking of our infertility struggle. However the last week of work has been so busy and stressful it hasn't been on the top of my mind. However today was one of those days that there was no avoiding it. This morning a colleague came over and was asking my cubemate about her little boy. He then turned towards me and asked her when she was going to talk me into "giving kids a try". After a fake laugh and a "We'll see!" from me he continued to ask me (jokingly) if I was scared. Sigh. 

Two hours later in the bathroom a girl that works with me and goes to my gym asked if I'd been to the gym lately. I told her yes I had been going a lot. She then started complaining about how she can't make it because of her son's schedule and how I'm so lucky I don't have kids to mess up my gym time. Oh yes. So lucky. 

Finally tonight when picking our dog up from daycare (cuz she goes to daycare twice a week :) the owner commented on how she seemed kind of pouty today. I laughed and said she's got an attitude and the owner replied "That's what you can look forward to when you two finally have kids". 

As I'm sure a lot of you know easy, passing comments like this are something to endure everyday.  Today was just one of those days where I felt like every place I turned someone was reminding me of our struggle. Of course these people have no idea the pain associated with these comments which are meant to be funny. I'm not angry at them as obviously they know nothing about our situation.  But I feel like I've built a wall around my heart to protect myself and every innocent comment breaks it down a little more  

So, I'll spend tonight taking care of myself. I'll go for a long run, cook a healthy dinner, snuggle on the couch to relax with D and rebuild my wall to face what tomorrow brings. One day at a time. 

Endurance

The crooked path that infertility leads us down is filled of highs and lows. Today is a low one for me. I knew Mothers Day wouldn't be easy. I did what I could to prepare myself and protect my fragile heart. But here I sit drowning in a pool of endless tears I don't know how to turn off. I wanted to be strong today, to be selfless. To focus on my amazing mother who is always there for me. To shower my dear friends and family who are mothers with love to make them feel special. But when it comes down to it I'm just not strong enough today. I know that infertility is a marathon. And I feel like I've currently hit the wall. And today is just one of those days where I can't find my hope, my faith, or my positivity. I should be 15 weeks pregnant today but instead I'm mourning the loss of our precious little one who didn't make it. I can't stop myself from wondering how I would be feeling today if he or she had made it and the wonder of motherhood was a real possibility ahead of me. Instead I can't help but sit here and wonder if it will ever happen for us. 

Overall I do feel like this struggle has made me stronger but today my endurance is fading. I do find comfort knowing I'm not alone. That there's others who have walked in my shoes, many that still are. We are not alone. I hope that brings comfort to others as well. Tomorrow is a new day. 

Mixed Emotions

Well I am sad happy to report that I started my period so my cyst did indeed resolve itself.  I am glad that my body seemed to figure things out and starting my period means we can move forward with our FET in June.  Which is great news.  But even though I know, KNOW, that I didn't ovulate due to the cyst it's still hard to really feel joy when your period comes.  There's always that tiny voice in the back of my mind saying *maybe*.  Sigh.

But moving forward is good!  And I'm anxious to implant our little frosty and see where he/she takes us!  I'm continuing to focus on having only positive thoughts and trying not to think any further ahead until we know what happens.  I have a rough outline of next steps if this transfer fails but I'm not going to let myself start putting anything in motion until I see this through.  So one step at a time and this small one is the beginning.  Here's to hoping the third try is the charm!

Refreshed

It's amazing what a few days away from the every day struggles will do.  My husband and I just returned from an impromptu long weekend in Mexico to celebrate our anniversary (which landed on Easter Sunday this year).  We booked the trip last minute through our travel agent, who's a family friend, and got a great deal.  I felt a little guilty about spending the money when we've got medical bills piling up and still no baby.  But when push comes to shove I knew it was needed.  We needed the time to reconnect.  I needed the time to get away both physically and mentally from everything we are going through.  Since the miscarriage I've been stuck in a very ugly place.  It had gotten to the point where I barely recognized myself and I definitely didn't like what I saw when I looked in the mirror.  I'm happy to report that this morning the person I saw was someone I knew.  Our time away was as close to perfect as it can get.  We soaked up the sun and warm weather, drank fruity drinks by the pool, made new friends (that knew nothing about our personal situation), had long intense conversations about every subject under the sun, and lived in the moment with no schedule or timeline.  Mostly importantly we celebrated our anniversary and our relationship.  I know what we have is special but I also know there's days I take it for granted.  I was never one to believe in soul mates, but my thoughts on that have changed since we started down this long road to create a family.  I'm not sure I could do it with anyone other than D.  So we celebrated and as we embark on our next year of marriage I can't help to be hopeful about what it will bring.

With our return to the real world came my appointment to have the cyst drained.  My mom took me to the appointment as D couldn't take another day off of school.  We arrived and they drugged me all up only to find out that the cyst had decreased dramatically in size since the week before.  It was measuring at 55mm on last Tuesday and this Tuesday it was down to 14mm.  It seemed like my body was taking care of the problem on it's own <insert shock and awe that my body was doing something right>.  They are thinking I should start my period in a week or so and that would be plenty of time for us to make it into June cycle.

I'm hoping this is a small sign of the good things that are to come in this next year of marriage and this next cycle.  It's still hard for me to get too excited with only our one little embryo to transfer.  But thanks to our trip away I feel a little bit of my faith, positivity, and hope coming back.  And it's a welcome return.

National Infertility Awareness Week

National Infertility Awareness Week.  A year ago I didn't know this week existed.  Now, it's one I'll never forget.  This week we are encouraged to speak out about our struggle, our experiences, and our pain to generate awareness that infertility not only exists, but affects 1 in 8 couples.  Yes, you heard me right.

1 in 8. 

I thought a lot about what I wanted to write.  There's a part of me that feels like I am not entitled to write a post like this since my blog is anonymous.  D, my husband, isn't fully comfortable with being as open about our struggle as I am.  I think in part he worries about me and people saying things that would cause me more pain.  I think part of it is him being a more private person than me.  And I think part of it is him not knowing how to handle all of this.  Whatever the reasons he's my husband and I respect his wishes.  I'm hoping that it doesn't make me a fraud to write a post about Awareness when I'm doing so anonymously.  But the truth is that I have a cut in this game.  We are in it - deeper than we ever imagined we would be.

Where do I start?  When my husband and I were married we couldn't wait to start trying to have a family.  While I've always thought in my head that my biggest fear in life would be not being able to have kids, I never truly expected to have to live out that fear.  In fact, I was very open with our friends and family that we were trying.  Like if I said it out loud it would happen.  Obviously it didn't and as we began to know more about what we were up against I spent hours upon hours researching all of the tests they were running on us and the potential diagnosis.  My emotions were all over the place.  Of course there was fear and worry.  But mixed in there was also shame and embarrassment.  There's such a stigma around making a baby.  When a woman gets pregnant men are congratulated, patted on the back, proudly declaring their manhood!  What a manly man that gets his wife pregnant!  When you struggle to conceive a child you feel like there's something wrong with you.  We were put on this earth to procreate.  It's the most basic of our instincts as humans.  And when it's not happening you begin to question everything.  What did we do wrong?  Are we being punished?  Why is this happening to us?   On top of all of the pain it's not socially acceptable to talk about.  And that stigma only deepens the hurt, embarrassment and shame for those of us experiencing it.  My friend Amanda wrote this....

Infertility lives in the shadows. No one wants to talk about reproductive organs, menstrual cycles, or intercourse. No one wants to admit that reproduction, the most basic of functions alludes them. It's far more glamorous to pretend the Hollywood stars bearing children in their forties are the norm. No woman wants to imagine that her reproductive clock stopped ticking in her twenties. No man wants to worry if he's "man enough" for the task. It's far easier to ignore infertility, to shove it further into the dark recesses and hope it goes away. But the truth is that infertility is more prevalent than ever before. Even if you are never affected by infertility, I can almost assure you that you will know someone who is. 

After getting over the shock and disappointment of our diagnosis that is when the hope crept in.  Ok, so having to do IVF to have a baby wasn't ideal (or cheap!) but we could work with this.  No one would even have to know.  I remember my brother telling me at one point "it's not like the baby is going to come out with IVF stamped on his arm!".  So as we (shamefully) accepted money from my parents and prepared for our first IVF cycle I comforted myself with the fact that this would work and everyone would *think* we were normal, even though we were not.  

I'm here to tell you after 2 failed fresh IVF cycles and awaiting number 3 the pain has definitely not dulled.  And I'd like to tell you that the shame and embarrassment have but that wouldn't be 100% true.  There are other emotions that have crept into my over crowded mind as well.  Anger.  Jealously.  Bitterness.  These are not pretty emotions and I'm not proud that I have them. But it's part of dealing with infertility and what we struggle with every day.   

What I can tell you is that what gets me through is knowing there's a whole community of people out there fighting the same fight as me.  I am NOT alone.  WE are not alone.  And the love, support, and understanding I've gotten from this community has been a light in the darkest tunnel.  

It's time to bring infertility out of the shadows. It's time to say, "I am the face of infertility." It's time for infertile couples to feel supported rather than ostracized.  Resolve to know more... know the signs, know the language, know the options. Resolve to know more for yourself. Resolve to know more for those you love

With that being said below is a great resources if you have a friend or loved one struggling with infertility.  So many people, wanting to be helpful, say damaging and hurtful things.  

Infertility Etiquette

And once again from my wise and sweet friend.....

If you yourself are not infertile, but someone you know and love is dealing with this painful diagnosis, you too should resolve to know more. It is a breath of fresh air to someone dealing with infertility to carry on a conversation with someone without needing to explain every single thing. I don't really mind explaining or educating, but sometimes it's exhausting. You certainly shouldn't feel like you have to know everything, but you'd be surprised at how supported you can make your friend or family member feel by knowing what IVF and IUI stand for (In Vitro Fertilization and Intrauterine Insemination) and the differences between the two. Or if your friend or family member is looking into adoption, know some of the differences between domestic and international. Resolve provides some excellent resources to help you get started. Believe me, showing an interest in this VERY important part of your person's life will express love more than anything else. There have been times when I've felt like I lived and breathed infertility. It was the ONLY thing on my mind, so when a friend asked how things were going or remembered that we'd had an appointment with our doctor, I felt so loved. The reason to know more isn't to solve the problem for your loved one, so don't spend your time researching quick fixes. Rather spend time learning about what your loved one is interested in or planning to pursue. The reason to know more, isn't to fix the problem, it's to communicate that you care.

 So if you are reading this as a fertile person I encourage you to become informed.  For even if you don't currently "know" someone dealing with infertility odds are one of those close to you is or will be.  I challenge you to care enough to educate yourself to be the best support that you can be.  To think, before you speak.  To research before you advise.  To be patient and forgiving, for your loved one is in the midst of an ugly battle both physically and emotionally.  And most importantly that a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen is the best medicine.  

The Art of Living in the Present

Well I survived the ultrasound yesterday and it was not as traumatic as I thought.  Though I was feeling pretty sick to my stomach, once I got in there it was business as usual.  Dr. H was quick and to the point and it took him only seconds to find the cyst.  Sigh.  The good news is it isn't large enough (yet) to cause me any discomfort.  They are currently getting pre-approval from our insurance company and then we are looking to drain it sometime next week.  They will just go in through my cervix with a catheter and a needle and drain it.  So piece of cake.  The bad news is that it will delay us so that we can't do the FET until June cycle.  

I've been such a Debby Downer lately struggling with our failed attempts, the medical bills that are piling up, all the unknowns of the future and all of the hard choices that lay ahead of us.  After my pity party today (as I wrote out $3000 in checks for medical bills) I finally just had enough of myself.  I decided to start living in the present.  I remember last June thinking that I better enjoy the summer because we could have a baby, or at the very least I'd be pregnant by this time next year.  And here we are with the summer in our sites and I, obviously, do not have a baby and am not pregnant.  However, I'm going to force myself to live in the present and enjoy where we are right now.  My husband and I will be celebrating our anniversary on April 20th (Easter Sunday) and booked a last minute get away.  When we return back home our sand volleyball league will be starting, we'll be getting our boat ready, and Memorial Day will be here before we know it (one of my favorite holidays on the lake).  Life goes on and my plan is to enjoy what each day brings.  I know myself well enough to know that there will be days when the sadness creeps in and probably even some where it over takes me.  But even though we are struggling with infertility I don't want to let it define me.  We are blessed in many other ways and it's time I start remembering that.