The Journey

This past month I have been contacted by a couple people that are new to this world of infertility.  And upon their requests I've tried to help them start to navigate their own personal journeys.  This has proved to be a very difficult job for me.  What do you tell someone that is just starting out?  I know there's a lot of people who have been on this road longer than I have.  And I know others who's path has been more rocky.  That being said after three fresh IVF cycles, 4 transfers (looking at number 5), one early  miscarriage, and one chemical pregnancy I feel as if I am a Veteran.  I know this process has changed me.  And I look back at some of my early blog posts and I barely recognize that girl so full of hope, so naive, and so utterly clueless about what was yet to come.

How do you educate someone without scaring them?  How are you honest about what to expect without crushing their hopes?  These have been tough questions for me.  The the last thing I want to do is to scare or deflate someones hope, but there is part of me that wished someone would have sat me down and told me what to expect.  Not only about the tests, the drugs, the side effects, the appointments, the timing.  But that this process is HARD.  Not only emotionally, but physically.  It's hard on your brain, and your heart.  Hard on your friendships and your marriage.  Hard on your spirit.

How do you prepare someone to constantly feel like they are being tested, judged, and deemed not worthy.  That late at night as they lay in bed unable to sleep (whether it's from one of the many drugs or just from regular old worry) you'll wonder if it's truly just not meant to be.  That after every failed cycle you will question your doctor, your faith, yourself.  That once you know (or accept) that there's a problem or issue it quickly consumes you.  And reminders that never used to cause you to blink will become all you see.  

How do you tell someone the pain that goes hand in hand with being left behind.  Undoubtedly along this journey there will be others who reach YOUR goal before you do.  Family members, friends, co-workers, even perfect strangers.  And each time you hear that news it feels like a piece of your heart is chipped away.

These are the thoughts that went through my head as I tried to compose an email back to one of these sweet girls.  And suddenly it hit me.  That although I think all of us can say that we've experienced most, if not all, of what I outlined above there's something else that I know, without a doubt, that we all experience.  And that's the strength to go on.  To keep trying.  To never give up.  So instead of telling her about the potential heartache, the stress, the pain, and the worry that lay ahead of her, I told her that she is strong.  Stronger than even she herself knows.  And that her strength will be tested.  But she WILL survive.  No matter where this path takes her there is a destination and she needs to focus on that and believe that she will get there.  I didn't sugar coat it.  I didn't tell her everything will be alright.  Because there will be days when it's not I can almost guarantee.  I simply told her that she has what it takes to get through.  I hope that is enough.

Endurance

The crooked path that infertility leads us down is filled of highs and lows. Today is a low one for me. I knew Mothers Day wouldn't be easy. I did what I could to prepare myself and protect my fragile heart. But here I sit drowning in a pool of endless tears I don't know how to turn off. I wanted to be strong today, to be selfless. To focus on my amazing mother who is always there for me. To shower my dear friends and family who are mothers with love to make them feel special. But when it comes down to it I'm just not strong enough today. I know that infertility is a marathon. And I feel like I've currently hit the wall. And today is just one of those days where I can't find my hope, my faith, or my positivity. I should be 15 weeks pregnant today but instead I'm mourning the loss of our precious little one who didn't make it. I can't stop myself from wondering how I would be feeling today if he or she had made it and the wonder of motherhood was a real possibility ahead of me. Instead I can't help but sit here and wonder if it will ever happen for us. 

Overall I do feel like this struggle has made me stronger but today my endurance is fading. I do find comfort knowing I'm not alone. That there's others who have walked in my shoes, many that still are. We are not alone. I hope that brings comfort to others as well. Tomorrow is a new day. 

IVF #2 Trigger

I had my second ultrasound yesterday and the majority of my follicles were measuring 17mm so I got the all clear to trigger last night.  We did the HCG shot at 10:30pm and retrieval will be tomorrow at 9am.  I am ready to get things moving.

I wish I could put in to words how I"m feeling this time compared to last.  Some of it is much the same and some of it is completely different.  I am definitely feeling hopeful and excited but in a different way than the first time.  This time I know what we are up against and while the more aggressive protocol seems to have improved our results so far, I also know now that I won't rest easy until we get the fertilization report.  There's just so much that can go wrong happen between retrieval and transfer.  And even if by some miracle we happen to get a BFP I've had 2 blog friends just this week who's 2nd Beta came back lower and they experienced chemical pregnancies.  I know we all talk about this a lot but infertility seems to completely rob you of the joy and bliss that SHOULD come with pregnancy.  Because we know so much it seems impossible to shake the worry and fear.  So this time I am really trying to focus on taking one day at a time.

My mom recently sent me this amazing gift and I've been wearing it since starting STIM drugs.

The one thing I did learn from our first failure with IVF is that I'm stronger than I thought.  I survived the disappointment and loss and we picked ourselves up and tried again.  And I will do that again if I have to.  Not to say that I won't be devastated and heartbroken because I will.  But I also know deep in my heart that I am MEANT to be a mother.  And I'm not ready to give up yet.

So for now I'll hope and pray for a successful retrieval of LOTS of healthy mature eggs.  I will be strong for myself and for D.  I will be positive and believe that this will work for us.  And I'll look forward to our future and not behind at our loss.  And regardless of the outcome I will go on.