I Know, I Understand.....You are Not Alone

It's here.  This is a big week you guys.  Those of you who don't struggle with infertility probably don't even know.  This week is National Infertility Awareness Week and RESOLVE's theme for 2015 is You Are Not Alone.  How fitting, how right. If you are struggling with infertility and are reading this You Are Not Alone because I Know how you feel.  I Understand.

I know that you are living out your deepest darkest fears.  I understand the physical pain that you feel in your heart, in your gut, from the shear WANT of having a baby of your own.  I know the embarrassment you feel and I understand your shame of not being able to do what others do so easily.  I know how much you dread the questions that inevidently always come.  I understand just how deep people's comments and advice cut.  

You are not alone.  And while I've been fortunate enough to have family and close friends support me throughout my 2+ year journey it's been this community that has saved me and seen me through.  Because as much as the support and encouragement of those closest to me means, they cannot truly understand what I'm going through.  What well meaning people don't seem to get is this is not a situation that can be fixed.  I'm a fixer by nature.  I want to help those I love solve their problems and I think I'm pretty good at it.  But this is a situation that cannot be fixed and I'm not looking for answers.  What I am looking for is someone to listen, to hold me up when the hurt and pain crushes me.  Someone to cry with me when the worry, the shame, the guilt makes me feel so small.  Someone to love me when I can't love myself.  

Because I feel all of those things.  Logically I know this is not my fault.  That I'm not being punished and nothing I've done, or my husband has done, in the past has caused us to not be able to have the child we so desperately want.  I know this.  But still I feel the guilt.  Of not being able to give my husband that child when someone else could.  I feel the shame and embarrassment that there's something essential and basic WRONG with me.  I feel jealous of good people, deserving people. who get pregnant and have babies.  I feel hateful towards people who have babies that I judge to be undeserving even though I know I have no room to judge anyone.  Then I feel more guilt for these terrible thoughts that run through my head confirming that I am a terrible person and maybe I DON'T deserve a child.  

I know the struggles that is your daily life.  That there's no escape from the pain associated with infertility.  I know that just getting out of bed in the morning is a huge step.  And that from the minute you turn on your TV, check Facebook, walk out your front door you are surrounded by constant reminders of what you don't have. 

I know the hope that fills you each month or each cycle.  I understand that after every failure you wonder how you could have been so stupid to let that hope in.  I know the devastation of a miscarriage.  It was FINALLY your time.  You put your blood, sweat, tears, and entire life savings into having a baby and before you could even celebrate that success it's been stripped away from you in the blink of an eye.  I understand that this disease has changed you.  That you'll never be the person you were before this struggle.  That you've lost friends or family members because they couldn't understand what you were going through.  I understand the anger and frustration that goes with this different kind of hurt of feeling rejected by someone you love.  Of being made to feel like your struggle is insignificant.  Of being judged for not being grateful for what you do have (and PS - I know you ARE grateful for the blessings in your life).  

You are not alone.  Through this community I've found comfort in those that have walked in my shoes.  Everyday I find hope in those who have fought this battle and had success.  I've found understanding with people who are experiencing what I am.  I've found acceptance, friendship, love, and support.  You are not alone.  We are not alone.  I encourage you to reach out, to engage. To lean on, learn from, and find comfort in those who share your pain.  You are not alone.  We are not alone.  And together we will weather this storm.  

Long Over "Due"......

I just couldn't resist using the quotes in the title since I'm obviously not "due" with anything.  Just trying to keep the humor in this situation because obviously what else can you do?

So I'm sorry I've been MIA.  Life has been CRAZY and not exactly great lately.  The last month or so has been pretty rough as D (my husband) is really struggling.  He's been so awesome throughout this entire process.  So supportive and positive and definitely the rock in our relationship.  However after this last failure (3 fresh cycles, and 5 transfers) it seems it's just all really hit him hard.  When we started our 3rd fresh cycle coming off an early miscarriage and a failed FET we knew that if it didn't work CCRM was our backup plan.  I think it helped both of us knowing what our next step would be.  However it's clear now that he never believed it would come to that.  And now that it has he's really struggling with a lot of the feelings and emotions that I had much earlier on.  I know he's depressed and pretty bitter and angry about the situation.  All of which is perfectly normal.  But it's been SO difficult to watch him struggle.  It's truly one of the hardest parts of this whole mess - is seeing him hurting.  But after all he's done for me and gotten me through I know it's my turn to do the same for him.  It's my turn to be the positive person and carry us through this.

All that being said we are making progress with CCRM.  We went out for our One Day Work Up and survived.  It was INTENSE - just like everyone warned me it would be.  And sadly Dr. Schoolcraft was out of the office that day so we didn't get to meet him in person.  We did have a brief one-on-one with Dr. Surrey who I LOVED.  It was obvious that he took the time to read our file and he answered the few questions we did have and was very optimistic about our case.  He performed my hysteroscopy and while I technically won't get any of the results from all of our tests that day until my phone follow up with Dr. Schoolcraft, he did tell me that everything looked "normal".  So that was reassuring.  I also passed my Doppler ultrasound with flying colors and my AFC (antral follicle count) was 16!  Guys that's almost normal (WTH???).  So that was all pretty promising.  The one issue we did discover was during my HSG.  I've never had that test done before and turns out one of my tubes is "partially" blocked.  The dye didn't flow through during the procedure but once I stood up and moved around and they did the final x-ray we could see that it did flow through.  I'm not really sure what that means for us moving forward.  The nurse was able to tell me that the one thing they are looking for in the HSG (related to IVF) is when the fluid flows BACK into the uterus.  This did not happen so I'm not sure if they will even want to do anything about that tube or just leave it be.  That's information we'll get at the follow up call.  D also gave a sperm sample that day and we got tons of blood work drawn.  And attended CCRM orientation and signed a billion forms.  That was pretty much the day!  So all in all not terrible and one more thing off our list.

I had some to-do's to take home with me and get done.  I needed an updated pap, a full physical, lab work to test for immunizations, my TSH, and some other levels (Vitamin D??).  In addition Dr. Schoolcraft also wanted me to do the beta 3 integrity test.  I had to test with ovulation sticks for my LH surge (which surprisingly hit right on schedule on Day 14 of my cycle).  Then the test needs to be done 9-11 days later.  Today was day 10 and I had the biopsy this morning.  It was NOT pleasant but it's done and I took my piece of tissue and shipped it off via second day Fed Ex.  (I text my best friend and told her I was just cruising to Fed Ex with tissue from my uterus riding shotgun.....this is my life).  So that's one more big to-do crossed off the list.  The last thing remaining is my Day 3 blood draw.  So once I start my period I'll get that drawn and they will spin it and I have a special kit to ship it to CCRM who will run the tests in their lab.  We've tentatively scheduled our phone follow up with Dr. Schoolcraft for May 6th since I should start my period this weekend and that would allow me to get the blood drawn and shipped out there.  I'm super nervous/anxious for that meeting.  If they don't want to do any further tests I should get my protocol recommendation from him that day and potentially my calendar!  If he decides he wants to do surgery on that tube or anything else there will obviously be more delays.  I am just really hoping we can do at least the retrieval this summer as D is off (he's a teacher) so would be free to come to Colorado with me for the entire 7-10 days.

So.....that's where we are!  Overall I've been impressed with CCRM and I'm feeling hopeful.  Obviously I'm scared that we won't get a lot of eggs and none of the embryos will make it day 5, which they need to in order to do the CCS testing.  Then if we do have some that make it we won't have any that are normal.  But I remind myself that CCRM has the best lab in the country which gives our embryos the best chance.  And I *think* we are capable of producing genetically normal embryos since the crappy Day 3 testing we did proved that (even through it probably fatally damaged the embryos in the process).  I guess the hardest part is knowing this is the end of the road for us.  Before when we were cycling locally we always had CCRM in our back pocket.  Now that we are here where does that leave us if this doesn't work??  Those are the fears that keep me up at night.

And while this past month or so has been rough we've also had some good times.  We attended Opening Day for the Cubs at Wrigley Field with FREE tickets from my work and had a great time.  We also celebrated another anniversary and felt much love and support from family and friends on that milestone.  And while it's been really tough to watch D struggle I know when this is all over we'll be stronger because of it.  We've already gotten through so much and while it hasn't been easy we are still fighting this battle together and on the same page.  In the anniversary card that he got me he wrote "All I need to know is that we'll be together forever".  And that, my friends, is what it's all about.

The Reality

First off thanks to all of you who made the effort to find my new blog home.  I've heard so many of you talk about friendships that you lost due to your infertility struggle and I'm experiencing that first hand.  It's a different kind of hurt on top of our most recent disappointment.  But such is life I guess.

So here we are at the point I prayed we would never get to.  CCRM.  It was a comfort to me knowing we had worked so hard and saved enough money to go to what is arguable the best fertility clinic in the country.  And having a a backup plan always makes me feel better.  But now that we are here and it's becoming real I feel paralyzed with fear.  Obviously my thoughts jump to what happens if this doesn't work?  What if CCRM discovers something majorly wrong with me?  What if we can't get the number of eggs we did in the past?  What if none of them are genetically normal?  We saved enough money to cover potentially 2 fresh cycles there.....what if we do one and then for some reason we are encouraged to go with donor eggs or a surrogate.  We definitely don't have enough money for that.  I know I'll drive myself crazy thinking of all of the What If's.  But it's hard to shut it off.

That being said I did find the courage to reach out to CCRM to schedule our ODW (one day workup).  For those of you not familiar with their protocol this is a full day of appointments and testing that is the first major step when becoming a patient at CCRM.  They will perform a hysteroscopy, communicable disease blood test for both of us, a semen analysis for D, the antisperm antibody screening, pelvic ultrasound and doppler study of blood flow through my uterus.  Then we'll have a regroup with Dr. Schoolcraft to review the test results and he'll recommend a treatment plan.  My issue is they want to do this appointment sometime between day 4 and 12 of my cycle.  I'm currently waiting to start my period.  I did my last PIO shot on Wed.  I'm hoping to start my period this week but who knows.  CCRM wants to schedule my ODW for Friday April 3rd which  means I need to start by Sunday.  Obviously it adds a whole layer of complexity when you are trying to book flights, hotels, time off work, etc.  So right now we are waiting (boy does that feel familiar).


For those of you who have are/were CCRM patients I'd love to hear from you!  Advice, thoughts, experiences - are all welcome!

Another No

As you've probably guessed from the title our beta this morning was negative.  I just keep hearing the echoing of a door slamming in my head.  There's no way to put my feelings into words.  I'm angry.  That comes to mind first.  I'm heart broken, disappointed, and filled with doubt and loss of hope.  I just can't understand why this is happening to us.  And I'm terrified by what it means.  Is there something majorly wrong that we are missing?  I just kept apologizing to D over and over again.  And he just keeps telling me I have nothing to be sorry for, but that's not true.  I have everything to be sorry for.  I know in my heart that neither one of us deserves this but him especially.  And it shatters my already broken heart to pieces to know that he's in pain because of me, for me.  I can't make sense of the fact that people have children every day that they don't want, don't spend time with, aren't dedicated to, complain about.  I could go on and on.  People live their lives every day taking for granted the one thing in the world I would do anything for.  (as if I haven't already done enough).  Three fresh IVF cycles, 5 transfers of 8 embryos.  And nothing.  Here we sit no closer to having a family of our own.  Actually further than we've ever been.  Part of me just feels numb.  Like this can't be real.  But it is of course.  It's my life.  I have to continue to live it no matter how badly I don't want to.  What would I give to change this path we are on?  Anything.  Absolutely anything.  I would give up D if it meant he could have a child of his own.  If it would take the hurt out of his eyes.  Instead we are doomed to continue to suffer.  Through pregnancy announcements, baby showers, birth announcements, birthday parties.  One tortuous event after another where we celebrate other people's happiness and pretend like everything is fine.  But it's not fine.  And I'm not sure how much longer I can pretend that it is.  The fact of the matter is I don't want to.  I'm not fine.  I'm broken.  There's an ache inside me that is constant, burning, relentless.  A physical pain that never lets me forget my emotional pain.  When will it end?

Torture

This is my fifth embryo transfer.  I'm not exactly what you would call a newbie. Having been through it 4 other times I was fully aware how awful the wait until beta would be. You'd think it would get easier or I'd be more prepared. But that's not the case. It seems this has been the hardest of the 2ww's for me.

I'll back up to transfer since I never posted about that. It went as well as we could have hoped for.  My lining looked great and my bladder was perfectly full. My clinic is using some new catheters for transfers and it was a straight shot that resulted in perfect placement according to my RE. I laid flat for 20 min afterwards and then D and I headed home. Our transfer wasn't until almost 3pm in the afternoon. Once we finally got home I was feeling pretty sleepy from the Valium and slept for basically the rest of the day and night. 

I stayed home from work the next day and spent it in bed just watching movies and relaxing. I got up to make my meals and go to the bathroom but that was it. I finally showered around dinner time after it had been 24 hours since transfer.  The next day I worked from home relaxing on the couch. I did have an acupuncture appointment as well and then ran a few errands before coming home and spending the night watching movies with D. The rest of the weekend I resumed normal activities except for working out. I did go on a couple short walks. 

That being said mentally I'm suffering. I've been trying so hard to stay positive but it is just so hard. I've had cramping basically every day after transfer day. I'm currently 4dp5dt so the embryo(s) should have implanted by now if they were going to.  I've had no sign of implantation bleeding (I did have this with my early miscarriage pregnancy). I've felt a little nauseous but with it being so early I think it's safe to say that's nerves. My boobs are bigger and I've been having a tingly feeling but they aren't painful and with the amount of progesterone I'm pumping in me that can be accounted for. 

I had a mini breakdown today to D where I just couldn't stop crying.  I broke down and consulted Dr Google and was actually comforted by reading other girls who had lots of cramping and got BFP. I've also been bloated and gassy but I know that's a side effect of the progesterone too. 

So that's where I am.  I'm driving myself crazy, and filled with worry but trying really hard to stay positive. My bets is 8 days after 5 day transfer which seems REALLY soon.  Especially since our transfer was late afternoon and my beta will be first thing that morning. I'm not going to test at home obviously since the beta is so early. If by some miracle I get a positive I thought I might test over the weekend as I wait for beta 2 just to hopefully ease my worries of it increasing. 

Here's the thoughts I keep repeating to myself when I'm overwhelmed with doubt. 

1. We transferred 2 day 5 blasts that were genetically normal on day 3 and continued to grow. Although after talking to CCRM about the day 3 testing I know it can damage the embryos. The fact that these two made it to blast is a good sign they weren't damaged. 

2.  We completed the 2 months of Lupron depot and I had 2 fibroids removed via my hysteroscopy. Technically my uterus *should* be in the best condition that it's ever been. 

3. I added acupuncture, supplements, and tried to eat as clean as possible. I cut alcohol and caffeine over a month prior to transfer. I've taken my meds religiously and haven't messed up adose or forgotten anything. I feel like I did everything I could to ensure success. 

Now all there is left to do is wait and pray. 

What I Want You To Know

I know I owe a transfer update but I read this blog this morning and just had to share. For my fertile friends....

http://mom.me/getting-pregnant/15174-what-i-want-you-know-about-infertility/

The Day.

Well it's here. Transfer day. Lucky number 5. It's a gorgeous spring day here in the MidWest. You can see small signs of life creeping up everywhere. I'm hopeful that's a good omen. 

I'm pretty sure I didn't sleep a wink last night so I've had a lot of time to analyze my feelings. I think it's safe to say I'm equal parts excited and terrified. But there's also a good chunk of gratitude mixed in as well. This week I've been showered with love, prayers, and tokens from family and friends showing me how much we are loved and cared for. I'll walk into transfer today with reminders of all of the wonderful people who are rooting for us and our two little babies. I'll carry with me symbols of that love and support and will find comfort and hope. 

This morning I received a special last minute gift from a cherished friend. As I mentioned I didn't sleep at all last night so when D finally got up for work I was scrolling through blogs reading posts from your transfer days.  As always I found comfort in your words and knowing I am not alone. But something still felt "off". My friend arrived at my doorstep this morning before her work day to drop off a gift. 

 

I've been looking for a daily devotional and just haven't found one that's the right fit. Everyone's faith is so personal and unique. For me I struggle to feel a connection with "bible speak". While there is absolutely passages that speak to my heart I sometimes struggle with finding the true meaning of verses or feeling a connection. I get the most out of a service if the speaker is in front of me, and relatable. Someone who I would enjoy having a non religious conversation with.  Someone who can take the stories of the bible and place them in my life. I'm not sure I've ever expressed those thoughts to my friend but maybe she just knows me well enough to understand. 

As I was flipping through the devotional I came to a section entitled "When I'm feeling Overwhelmed". Since that seemed fitting I began flipping through the devotionals and came upon this 

This sums up exactly how I'm feeling in this moment. And I feel so much comfort and peace having this prayer. Regardless of what happens with this cycle I know that He won't leave me alone. And that even when I don't have the words He hears my prayers. He knows my heart. And He will help me face whatever comes next. 

So Transfer Day. Lucky number 5. Our last two frozen embryos. Our Hail Mary, kitchen sink cycle. Could this be it?  Could those imperfectly perfect day 5 blasts turn into the child(ren) we've been praying for. I really think it could.