Happy Friday Friends!  I just wanted to thank everyone for the comments and emails regarding the hysteroscopy.  After hearing from all of you I went ahead and booked the procedure.  We are going to do it on Oct. 1st.  Regardless of the outcome it will give us more information which is always useful.

Shockingly I have other non-IF related news.  I think most of you know that D is an elementary school principal.  The school district he works in is about 40 min. from our house and when he signed his contract they asked him to move into the school district.  So our house has been on the market for a while but we really couldn't find anything in the district that we liked.  The district is made up of several small communities out in the country and it seemed that the houses were either very small and rundown or ginormous and WAY out of our budget.  We've also had trouble selling our house because our backyard is smaller and goes down into a ravine.  This was something that we liked when we bought the house because of the privacy and less maintenance.  But our home is a 4 bedroom two story and it's definitely designed for a family (sigh.).  All of the families that were coming to look at it wanted a bigger backyard for a playground/swing set and the drop off to the ravine made people nervous.  Well we FINALLY got an offer and it was a really good one.  We countered slightly and they accepted!  Our closing is set for Halloween.  And we are officially homeless!  As I mentioned earlier we have been watching the market in the school district really closely and there's just nothing for sale in our price range.  However the day we signed the contract Derek found a house For Sale By Owner out in the country on the outskirts of town.  It sits on a couple acres and it's a really cute ranch house that was built in 2000.  It's over priced but if we like it I'm hoping the sellers are willing to negotiate.  We are going to look at it on Sunday.

Honestly the timing for all of this is perfect.  I won't be cycling until Dec. and hopefully we will be moved and settled by then.  I'm thankful that I'm not going through the stress of selling our house, looking for a new one, and moving when we are in cycle.  And it's a really good distraction that will hopefully help the time go quickly.  I am dreading the packing/moving portion of this but we've been living in limbo for over a year with our house on the market and looking for a new one.  I'm ready to move and get in a new house and start making it our own.

In OTHER exciting non-IF related news - WE ARE GOING TO SEE GARTH BROOKS TONIGHT!  As you can tell I'm a little excited.  This is a bucket list thing for me and I can not wait.  Unless you've been living under a rock (or hate country music) you've probably heard about his tour and that he's doing 12 shows in Chicago.  It's two weekends and he plays two shows Thurs. Fri, and Sat. night.  Our best friends got tickets and invited us and we are super stoked!

I think that's all for now.  Here's to the next few months flying by.   Hope you all have a great weekend!

Looking for Advice

Hope everyone had a great weekend.  Ours was pretty relaxing which was a nice change.  We spent a lot of time over the weekend cuddled up on the couch and I can say the TLC did both of us good.  We found things to laugh about, other subjects to talk about (outside of infertility) and I feel like some of the sadness is starting to lift from D's eye.  Which in turns makes my heart a little lighter.  I.  Love.  That.  Man.  His happiness is everything to me.

We did have our meeting with Dr. H. on Friday.  As expected he didn't have any miracle answers or suggestions for us.  We talked about how there's still a lot that the field doesn't understand about embryo development which is why the success rate for genetically normal embryos is *only* 70%.  He feels hopeful that we still have 2 normal blasts to transfer and his recommended path is a FET.  We talked about how at our clinic (and a lot of others) their success rates are higher with FET's.  He explained that this is due to the fact that when we stim during a fresh cycle they elevate our estrogen levels way higher than they would ever be in a natural cycle.  This can cause some disruption in the two types of tissue in your uterus.  Basically the increased hormone levels affect them too.  When we do a FET he said they monitor 2 things.  1.  They want your estrogen level between 300-600.  2.  They want your lining greater than 8mm.  Obviously during stim your estrogen levels get way beyond the 600.  So basically he is feeling that doing a FET that is more in line with a natural cycle is a great option for us.

I asked him about running a couple of tests on my uterus.  I've picked the brains of several of my blogger friends and they recommended 2 types of tests.  The first is called an e-tegrity test.  My understanding is that this tests to see if your uterus has the "sticky" stuff needed for implantation.  Dr. H says the results of this test are inconclusive and due to the fact that we've had at least 2 embryos implant he doesn't think that's the issue.  The next is a hysteroscopy.  For my fertile readers this is where they go up into your uterus with a camera to look at the lining for polyps, scar tissue or fibroids that could be disrupting implantation.  Dr. H said he would perform this procedure if I felt strongly about it but he doesn't think it's necessary.  He said he's never seen any signs in all of the ultrasounds we've done that my uterus is anything but perfect.  So he basically left it up to me.

If we elect not to do the hysteroscopy we could transfer at the end of Oct.  If we do it then it will be December before we can do our FET since we have to do the procedure and I have to have another period after and my clinic doesn't cycle in Nov. to give the staff a break.

In other news we've scheduled a phone consult with Dr. Schoolcraft at CCRM for Oct. 14th.  I'll be sending him all of our records and we are completing all of the registration and history forms online.  I know that CCRM does a hysteroscopy as part of their ODW (one day workup).  I'm currently feeling like we should go ahead and have Dr. H do the hysteroscopy.  If I transfer in Oct. and it doesn't work I'll still be wondering if it is my uterus.  Of course I'm anxious to keep moving forward but I also don't want to waste the lives of 2 more embryos if my uterus is the problem.  My gut tells me it isn't and Dr. H is supporting that theory, but until we do the procedure we don't know for sure.

That being said how many of you have had this done?   What are your thoughts?  If you were in my situation would you do it or just move forward with the FET?

Understanding

Well as you've probably guessed from my radio silence my beta dropped on Tuesday.  It went from 9 to 5.2.  I went back this morning and it was down to 4.7.  I  have to go back again on Monday and hopefully it's down to zero.

I could sit here and tell you all about how I'm not going to give up, how I trust in The Lord and His plan, how I know that we will be parents one day.  But that wouldn't be an honest representation of what I'm feeling right now.  Right now, in this moment, I've lost hope.  I can't help but to question if we will EVER be parents.  That maybe it's God's will for us NOT to be parents.  My heart is broken, my spirit is crushed, and I am so very tired.  The weight of this struggle is just too much.  I feel like I am drowning in sorrow.  And there's a part of me that just wants to float to the bottom.

The hardest part of all of this for me is watching D struggle.  It literally tears me apart to see him hurting so badly.  And I can't help but feel responsible.  All I can think of is that he deserves better than this.  I hate that he has to experience this and I'd do ANYTHING to take his pain away.  But it's not something I have the power to do.  

So here we sit.  Childless.  Running out of options.  Running out of money, and definitely running out of hope.  We'll meet with Dr. H tomorrow and see what he has to say.  I know he doesn't have the answers I so desperately seek.  Yes, "normal" embryos have a 70% success rate.  So the odds were in our favor.  But 70% is not 100%.  There are other things that can go wrong and obviously it did.  Could it be my uterus?  We've never had any indication but I'll be asking about running some tests to confirm that before our next transfer for sure.  But the fact of the mater is he can't provide me with a reason or explanation of why this didn't work.  And he can't provide me with a guarantee that the next transfer will work either.  There's no peace to be found.  Honestly there won't be until I hold my baby in my arms (if that day ever comes).

I'm grateful that we still have 2 frozen blasts that tested normal.  That's about all the positivity I can come up with right now.  As I mentioned in an earlier post while I'm SO thankful for my frozen babies it doesn't stop the pain that is associated with this transfer.  It's now 6 babies that we've transferred and lost.  Six.  That seems like more pain than anyone should have to bear.  Three fresh IVF cycles, 4 transfers, and still nothing.  We won't be able to cycle again until Dec. which is the month that we did our first IVF cycle.  Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine we'd still be in this position at this point in time.  Call it being naive, but through every step of this process I kept thinking it was the last step.  This journey has changed me.  I'm scarred, damaged, broken.  And regardless of if we ever get a baby I will never be the person I was before experiencing this.  Just one more heartbreak to add to the list.

9

So Beta number one today came in at a 9.  Sigh.  Knowing we were testing at 8dp5dt I knew it would be low.  But my research indicated that somewhere between a 30-40 would have been average.  I was hoping for something closer to 50 for some reassurance.  Obviously that didn't happen.  While I am extremely grateful that hope is not lost, I am also a complete bundle of nerves.  I won't have my 2nd Beta until Tuesday thanks to the long holiday weekend so we need to see that number quadruple.  I thought about getting some FRER pregnancy tests and testing at home but even if my number doubles in 48 hours like it should, it will still be under a 25 which is where it needs to be for the test to pick it up.  Which means it would basically be Monday before I could get a positive.  But honestly I've been getting up 2 and 3 times during the night to pee, so then I start to wonder if I'd even have enough concentration in my urine to get a positive result and honestly it's just not worth it.  I think I'll just wait it out.

So we continue to pray and think positive thoughts.  I'll take care of myself as best as I can and know that I'm doing everything to help our little one.  To all of you that have been praying for us, offered supportive texts, comments, and emails, or even just took the time to read an update - thank you so much for the support.  I'm not sure if this is it for us, but I'm going to remain hopeful until the end and trust in God's plan.

Am I or Aren't I?

Oh the two week wait.  What can I say about it that hasn't been said before?  Not much.  It's a rare form of torture for all women, but those who have invested so much - money, sweat, blood, tears (did I mention money?!) into fertility treatments there's SO much riding on those few days.  My heart breaks for those women who know this is their last cycle.  I can't imagine all of the additional emotions those circumstances drum up.  I'm so very thankful to know that we have 2 frozen embryos in the bank.  However, that doesn't stop the yearning for this cycle to be successful.  It doesn't take away the ache in my heart or the emptiness in my arms. And it certainly doesn't guarantee us a take home baby of our own.

It's amazing to me that one event (IVF) can create such a conflicting, confusing mass of emotions.  Each day I'm filled equally with excitement and hope, fear and despair, worry and peace.  But really when you think about it what other event has stakes this high?  Yes, planning a wedding can be exciting and stressful.  But the outcome is known regardless of what happens during the planning.  At the end of the allotted time, ready or not, there will be a wedding.  The same could be said for a career change or even the loss of a job.  Although stressful, if persistent you WILL eventually find another job.  It might not be your dream job, or you may have to take a pay cut but I truly believe if you try hard enough you can find employment.  Infertility doesn't care how hard you "try".  You can put tens of thousands of dollars towards treatment, have the very best doctors and labs, the very best quality embryos, but there's no guarantee.  At the end of the road the outcome is unknown and uncontrollable.  We've always been taught that if you work hard enough, want something bad enough, and never give up it will happen.  But I know in my heart I couldn't want this any more, couldn't "try" any harder, and that I've done everything in my power to succeed and still - no guarantee.

Today I am 7dp5dt.  I've had some cramping, which we all know could be good or could be bad.  My boobs are bigger and sore, but that could easily be from the progesterone.  That's about all I have going on.  According to Dr. Google implantation should be complete and HCG should start to enter the blood stream.  Every time I feel the doubt or worry overwhelming me I'm trying to stop and pray.  But right now and for the next 2 days there's absolutely no way to know what's happened to our little one.  So one's left wonder Am I or Aren't I?  I am praying with everything I have that I AM.

Grace

My sweet friend Amanda has done it again.  Every post she writes touches my heart in a new way and this one was no exception.  She makes me want to fight harder, speak kinder, and be a better person.  I can only pray that God gives me half the grace that he's blessed her with during this struggle.  Amanda I am so thankful to have you in my life and feel privileged to call you my friend.

If you have the time please take 10 minutes to read this post. Grace In The Storm.

I've highlighted some of the statements that affected me the most.

The truth is that infertile women often are bitter... I know I've been bitter often throughout these years. This journey is hard. This storm is fierce. But bitterness (particularly abusive, negative, hateful bitterness) will solve nothing, grace on the other hand will soften hearts.


My goal is to shine a light on infertility, educate people about infertility, and offer support to anyone in need... not to bash people or create an environment where we all sit around and hate on fertile people

I'm proud of the community, proud of my friends; I just want others to see us as I do.

Time

7 days.....165 hours....9,900 minutes.....594,000 seconds. This is the amount of time that stands between me and my first beta.  But let me back up and fill you in. 

Yesterday morning I got a call from the receptionist at my clinic informing me we were on for our 1pm transfer. She didn't have any more information but I breathed a sigh of relief assuming this meant at least one of our 11 embryos came back normal. We arrived at the clinic and I was given some Valuim to help me relax. We were led into the OR where we finally got the information we'd been waiting for. We had 5 total embryos that came back normal. This obviously exceeded our expectations and I couldn't hold back the tears that came. Dr. H explained to us that today he wanted to transfer one embryo. We had one grade 1 embryo and it tested normal so that was the one he wanted to go with. I asked him about transferring 2 but he said he wasn't comfortable with that. The goal is a healthy baby, not multiples. He felt like it would be irresponsible to transfer more than one. 

(As you can see the embryo is starting to hatch out of its shell. Another good sign) 

So our big decision wasn't really a decision at all. We signed the papers and then the nurses came in to check my bladder. I did have some free fluid from the follicles that was pushing my uterus over.  For a minute I was worried they were going to tell us we had to cancel transfer but Dr came in and looked and said he didn't forsee it being a problem. Everything else looked good including my lining which they told me was nice and thick. So for the 4th time we watched as the life we worked so hard to create was transferred into my uterus. For those of you that have experienced it you know how emotional that moment is. After the procedure was done Dr. H wished us good luck and the staff left the room to give us a few minutes alone. I just prayed with all my heart for God to bless this little spec of life.  To watch over and protect it. To help it thrive and grow into a healthy baby. 

(It's hard to see because of the shading but it's the tiny white spot towards the top) 

So now we wait. Technically I think my beta should have been scheduled for next Sat. But they scheduled it for Friday the 29th with the 2nd beta on Tues. Sept 2nd due to the holiday. I'm not really sure what that means for my numbers. I doubt I'll be comfortable even if it is positive until I see it double. Let's be honest I doubt I'll be comfortable this entire pregnancy if this actually works. I'm feeling oh so very hopeful that this is our time. We decided not to find out the sex at this time. I just felt like if I knew and this didn't work it would only make it harder. It doesn't matter to us either way of course. 

They also told us yesterday they were going to let the other 4 embryos go to day 6 and would freeze those that were still growing. I called today and found out they were able to freeze 2 of them. Two more chances. God is so good. 

So now we wait. And pray.