Frosty

It feels funny to even write about being in cycle.  I'm not really sure why but so far this FET cycle has been pretty low key.  I've been on Lupron for suppression for 2 weeks now.  The shots are annoying (the tummy bruising more so) but I don't have too many side effects from them.  I've been taking my dexamethasone and prenatal vitamins as well.  I did my first IM delestrogen shot on Tues. night.  We are progressing slowly but surely.  

On Monday I go in for an endometrial scratch?  Has anyone had this done before?  It's supposed to help with implantation so I'm all for it if it works but it sounds painful.  But at this point really I'll do anything.  While I'm definitely hopeful that this cycle works I'm also trying to stay very level headed about it.  Our 1 little embryo, "Frosty", is all we have left for this try.  Honestly I don't even know any details about his grade or rating.  I know he made it to blast on day 5 and was frozen.  I am hoping and praying that he survives the thaw so we actually have something to transfer.  There's a part of me that thinks that he's made it this far maybe he really is the one.  We've never transferred a five day blast, only day 3 embryos.  But another part of me knows we transferred three last time and still have no baby, so it's hard to feel super hopeful for one. 

I'm not sure if my low key attitude is a good thing or no.  But I'm sure it's a good thing that I'm not super stressed and over-thinking everything.  So I'm going to try and remain positive and put my faith and trust in God and his plan for us.  I pray that his plan is for Frosty to be our take home baby. 

In other news we are enjoying summer and our time on our boat on the lake.  The three day weekend was great, with the exception of getting caught in some rain storms on Monday afternoon.  It's felt wonderful to get outside and run again and I'm finally back to my "normal" mile times.  I feel like my body is in a healthy place as I've finally lost the weight I put on with my first 2 IVF cycles.  So overall I'm feeling pretty good!  Now if I can just get pregnant and STAY pregnant life would be pretty perfect (don't we all feel that!).

Here's some pictures of our weekend on the lake!  Our dog Chloe thinks she's the captain of the boat :) 

One of those days....

It's not often I go a full day without thinking of our infertility struggle. However the last week of work has been so busy and stressful it hasn't been on the top of my mind. However today was one of those days that there was no avoiding it. This morning a colleague came over and was asking my cubemate about her little boy. He then turned towards me and asked her when she was going to talk me into "giving kids a try". After a fake laugh and a "We'll see!" from me he continued to ask me (jokingly) if I was scared. Sigh. 

Two hours later in the bathroom a girl that works with me and goes to my gym asked if I'd been to the gym lately. I told her yes I had been going a lot. She then started complaining about how she can't make it because of her son's schedule and how I'm so lucky I don't have kids to mess up my gym time. Oh yes. So lucky. 

Finally tonight when picking our dog up from daycare (cuz she goes to daycare twice a week :) the owner commented on how she seemed kind of pouty today. I laughed and said she's got an attitude and the owner replied "That's what you can look forward to when you two finally have kids". 

As I'm sure a lot of you know easy, passing comments like this are something to endure everyday.  Today was just one of those days where I felt like every place I turned someone was reminding me of our struggle. Of course these people have no idea the pain associated with these comments which are meant to be funny. I'm not angry at them as obviously they know nothing about our situation.  But I feel like I've built a wall around my heart to protect myself and every innocent comment breaks it down a little more  

So, I'll spend tonight taking care of myself. I'll go for a long run, cook a healthy dinner, snuggle on the couch to relax with D and rebuild my wall to face what tomorrow brings. One day at a time. 

Endurance

The crooked path that infertility leads us down is filled of highs and lows. Today is a low one for me. I knew Mothers Day wouldn't be easy. I did what I could to prepare myself and protect my fragile heart. But here I sit drowning in a pool of endless tears I don't know how to turn off. I wanted to be strong today, to be selfless. To focus on my amazing mother who is always there for me. To shower my dear friends and family who are mothers with love to make them feel special. But when it comes down to it I'm just not strong enough today. I know that infertility is a marathon. And I feel like I've currently hit the wall. And today is just one of those days where I can't find my hope, my faith, or my positivity. I should be 15 weeks pregnant today but instead I'm mourning the loss of our precious little one who didn't make it. I can't stop myself from wondering how I would be feeling today if he or she had made it and the wonder of motherhood was a real possibility ahead of me. Instead I can't help but sit here and wonder if it will ever happen for us. 

Overall I do feel like this struggle has made me stronger but today my endurance is fading. I do find comfort knowing I'm not alone. That there's others who have walked in my shoes, many that still are. We are not alone. I hope that brings comfort to others as well. Tomorrow is a new day.