What I Want You To Know

I know I owe a transfer update but I read this blog this morning and just had to share. For my fertile friends....

http://mom.me/getting-pregnant/15174-what-i-want-you-know-about-infertility/

The Day.

Well it's here. Transfer day. Lucky number 5. It's a gorgeous spring day here in the MidWest. You can see small signs of life creeping up everywhere. I'm hopeful that's a good omen. 

I'm pretty sure I didn't sleep a wink last night so I've had a lot of time to analyze my feelings. I think it's safe to say I'm equal parts excited and terrified. But there's also a good chunk of gratitude mixed in as well. This week I've been showered with love, prayers, and tokens from family and friends showing me how much we are loved and cared for. I'll walk into transfer today with reminders of all of the wonderful people who are rooting for us and our two little babies. I'll carry with me symbols of that love and support and will find comfort and hope. 

This morning I received a special last minute gift from a cherished friend. As I mentioned I didn't sleep at all last night so when D finally got up for work I was scrolling through blogs reading posts from your transfer days.  As always I found comfort in your words and knowing I am not alone. But something still felt "off". My friend arrived at my doorstep this morning before her work day to drop off a gift. 

 

I've been looking for a daily devotional and just haven't found one that's the right fit. Everyone's faith is so personal and unique. For me I struggle to feel a connection with "bible speak". While there is absolutely passages that speak to my heart I sometimes struggle with finding the true meaning of verses or feeling a connection. I get the most out of a service if the speaker is in front of me, and relatable. Someone who I would enjoy having a non religious conversation with.  Someone who can take the stories of the bible and place them in my life. I'm not sure I've ever expressed those thoughts to my friend but maybe she just knows me well enough to understand. 

As I was flipping through the devotional I came to a section entitled "When I'm feeling Overwhelmed". Since that seemed fitting I began flipping through the devotionals and came upon this 

This sums up exactly how I'm feeling in this moment. And I feel so much comfort and peace having this prayer. Regardless of what happens with this cycle I know that He won't leave me alone. And that even when I don't have the words He hears my prayers. He knows my heart. And He will help me face whatever comes next. 

So Transfer Day. Lucky number 5. Our last two frozen embryos. Our Hail Mary, kitchen sink cycle. Could this be it?  Could those imperfectly perfect day 5 blasts turn into the child(ren) we've been praying for. I really think it could.  

Only one way to know

I had my cycle day 9 blood work and ultrasound this morning.  I woke up feeling pretty good but the closer I got to the clinic the  more nervous I got.  They must have a big cycle this month because it was busy even right at 8am this morning and I waited a LONG time for my ultrasound.  So long in fact that when the doctor finally got into my exam room my bladder had filled up and she made me go and empty it so she could get a better image.  Envision me darting to the bathroom with the paper cover wrapped around me like a toga.  Seriously I've lost any sense of modesty I had a long time ago, so whatever.  Take 2 for the ultrasound and everything looked "perfect"  My endometrium looked "beautiful" and my lining was measuring at 8mm.  While this is obviously great news it makes me.....uncomfortable when they use words like perfect and beautiful.  Mostly I think because it raises your expectations of the chances of success.  They've used these words before and here I am on transfer #5 so obviously it's no guarantee.  But definitely better than the alternative so we'll go with it.
Tonight we start the PIO injections in addition to the estrogen I'll do tonight and Tuesday night.  Transfer is set for Wednesday and they scheduled  me in the afternoon.  I have the whole day off from work so I'm looking forward to sleeping in and relaxing before we head in.  I have an acupuncture appointment set up for Tues. evening and then Friday morning.  I'll be on bed rest the day after transfer.  And that, my friends, is the plan.

My feelings are pretty much all over the board.  I'm definitely excited and hopeful about the transfer.  But I'm also terrified.  I mentioned before that I'm having a hard time trying to figure out how on earth I'm going to survive this 2ww.  It just seems unimaginable.  And of course then my head goes to how I'm going to cope if we aren't successful.  It's sounds so terrifying to me it almost makes me not want to go through with it.  But I know that I'm stronger than I think I am.  I've proved that to myself over and over again.  I know the world will not end if this transfer doesn't work.  Our journey of trying to have a baby won't even end.  It will just be extended.  Sigh.  While I'm so ready for it to be over and hopeful that this is IT, there's only one way to know.  So...Wednesday.  Let's do this.

Giving Thanks

Wow what a week.  Some are just harder than others and last week was definitely one of those for me for several reason.  First off you all know my amazing friend Amanda.  Stop over and send her some love or say a quick prayer for her and Sam.  It breaks me that her beautiful, amazing heart is broken right now.  I wish there was a way for me to shoulder some of her pain.  But since there's not I ask you to keep them in your prayers and I'll be praying she feels comforted with all of the love we are sending her way.  She is at the top of my list of things I'm thankful for as I'm not sure I could make it down this rocky road without her.

Next on my list is the rest of you beautiful women.  Thanks to everyone who shot me an email, message, or comment to let me know that I'm not the only one who struggles with these fears.  It helps so much to know that I'm not alone.  And it's easy to get overwhelmed in the middle of the night when everything seems so.....well, overwhelming.  D doesn't follow my blog.  He feels like this is my place to air my feelings, vent and basically release.  I often read him your posts and some of mine if I think he'd enjoy it or if it helps to communicate something specific that I'm struggling with.  We talked about my post and of course he said exactly what I needed to hear.  He told me that he loves me for the person that I am and that nothing will change that.  He told me he'd pick me again, every time, even knowing that we'd have to fight this battle.  Most importantly he said that no matter what lengths we have to go to, or the cost, we WILL be parents someday.  God, I love this man 1000 times over.  Thank you Lord for bringing him to me.

Lastly I'm thankful for some good news on this Monday morning.  I had blood work this morning to see how my estrogen level was doing and to re-check my thyroid since I started on the medicine.  My TSH came in at 1.62 today!  (Remember my research showed between 1-2 is the ideal level).  So that is really great news.  They bumped my E2V dosage just a tiny bit and I'll do another injection of that tomorrow.  Then we'll re-check everything again on Friday and make adjustments for that evening injection.  We are on track for transfer next week.  Next week people!!  EEKKK!

Also based on all of your feedback and suggestions from this post I've added L-Arginine, Zinc, and the Omega 3 Fish Oil pills to my daily list.  The clinic has me on a baby aspirin, dexamethasone, the thyroid med, and my prescription prenatal.  I'm still doing the Lupron injections in the morning as well to keep me suppressed.  I've been doing pretty well with the clean eating (okay I had Coldstone Creamery on Sunday....it was a weak moment), and of course no alcohol or caffeine (decaf coffee is for the birds!) and I've been working out 5-6 days a week.

Overall I'm feeling pretty good! While on one hand I am SO ready for this transfer, on the other I'm really struggling with the concept of surviving the 2ww.  We all know how terrible it is and this just feels.....bigger for some reason.  I guess just because there's so much on the line.  If this doesn't work yes we are heading to CCRM but starting from scratch there it will be a long time before we are in a position to cycle again.  I'm so blessed that thanks to us saving our butts off and an amazing bonus check from my work we are in a position financially to move forward right away.  Add that onto my list of things I'm thankful for as well!  So, for now, I'm going to NOT think about CCRM.  I'm going to focus on this transfer in front of us, our two beautiful frozen embryos, and the fact that we know we've done everything in our power to make this a success.

Fears

As I laid in bed wide awake at 3am this morning I couldn't block it out.  It's as if all of the doubts, the fears, the stress collides and it all hits me in a complete moment of panic.  What if this doesn't work?  What if I can't ever get pregnant?

Sometimes I just can't help myself from going down that path.  And even though I feel my marriage is strong, and has grown stronger because of our infertility, I also know that it hasn't escaped unscathed.  Infertility has a way of creeping into every aspect of your relationship.  You can say you won't let it affect your sex life - until the moment when you are thinking it's a "waste" since you aren't ovulating.  You can say you are going to enjoy the time you have just the two of you - until you can no longer find joy in the things you used to.  You can say there's no one to blame for the circumstances but deep down is that really true?  I know I blame myself and I know that affects our relationship.  I've talked before about how much I struggle with thoughts of this is NOT what D signed up for.  That he deserves better.  That I'm keeping him from becoming the one thing in this world that he's MEANT to be.  Then when I add to it the fact that we are not on the same page as far as adoption, that he's doesn't want to talk about surrogacy when we aren't there yet.  I wonder if we'll be able to survive what this could potentially do to us.  Could we live child free and be happy?  Would having each other be enough?  My heart says YES.  I love this man.  I know without a doubt that he loves me.  But late at night when the shear magnitude of our situation crowds my mind the fear creeps in.  Could we really be fulfilled and happy in a life without children?  I'm not sure.  It's not what we want, not what I've envisioned for us.  Multiple times a day a feel a stab of pain, or envy, or heartache due to the reminders that are everywhere.  Could we live the rest of our life battling that day in and day out?  How do you make it through that without breaking?

I pray with all of my heart, every day, that we won't have to face this nightmare of a reality that haunts me.  But the truth of the matter is that we very well just might have to.  Are we strong enough to make it through?  Is anyone?

Reassurance

Things are creeping along ever so slowly in this FET cycle.  I have my baseline E2 blood test tomorrow and then start the E2V IM shots on Friday.  This will be my 5th transfer but only my second FET.  It's so odd to be in cycle but have it be so low key.

For me this is what my dear friend Amanda calls "the kitchen sink" transfer.  I'm throwing everything I've got at this.  I've been going to acupuncture (even though I hate it), I'm taking the thyroid meds, and I gave up alcohol and caffeine and have been eating clean (pretty strictly) since the beginning of February.  My motto for this cycle is basically if it can't hurt and there's a chance it could help - Go For It.  That being said I wanted to get your thoughts and opinions on some of the old wives tales we hear related to transfer, implantation, etc.  I decided that with the "kitchen sink" transfer maybe I'd do some research into some of these.  I think the most common one we've all heard is the pineapple core after transfer.  I know "they" say it's supposed to help with implantation but I never knew why.  Turns out pineapple, especially the core, contains bromelain which is known to reduce inflammation in the body, including the uterus, and is also a mild blood thinner.  Both of which can be helpful with implantation.  So sticking to my motto this seems like an easy win for me.

Next on the list is Omega 3 Fish Oil.  This supplement is said to help the "quality" of blood in the uterus?  Then there's L Arginine and Zinc.  All I could find on these is that they are supposed to prevent miscarriage and promote implantation.  My prescription prenatal vitamin already contains 15 mg of zinc so I think I'm covered there.   I am curious on if anyone has taken the L Arginine though.

The last one is the Brazil Nuts.  This is another one I had heard about but didn't know the reasoning behind.  Come to find out Brazil Nuts are a good source of Selenium which, once again, prevents miscarriages and promotes implantation.

I'm not naive enough to think that any of these things is the "missing link" to why I've yet to become pregnant and stay pregnant.  But I am curious on what, if any, of these you girls tried and your thoughts and feelings on them.

On a side note I got a very interesting call yesterday that left me with mixed emotions.  It was from CCRM.  You guys know that if this transfer doesn't work our back up plan is CCRM.  We've already sent all our records over and had a phone consult with Dr. Schoolcraft.  I've kept them up-to-date with what's happened the last 5 months (hysteroscopy, Lupron Depot injections, FET scheduled for March).  But I haven't had any communication with them since probably late November.  I got a call yesterday from a Denver phone number and when I answered the phone a wonderful nurse by the name of Katherine was on the other line (any CCRM girls know her?!).  She simply stated they were reaching out because they had it in my file that I was getting ready for my FET and they wanted to wish us luck and see if we had any questions they could help with.  She told me that she hopes not to hear from me but that they are there if we need them.  I was pretty impressed and the call definitely made me feel like more than just a number to them.  And while it felt very reassuring to know that we have a great plan in place and are ready to move forward right away if need be, it also made me second guess my certainty about the potential success of this upcoming cycle.  I've been working so hard at being positive and truly believing that this is going to work.  I'm not sure how much I really believe in the power of positive thinking, but once again, it can't hurt.  And receiving that very nice phone call had me questioning if that was God's way of preparing me for another failure.  Obviously I'm probably reading WAY too far into things and should just stick with the initial feelings of reassurance from the phone call.  But you girls know better than anyone what a cluster f*ck your mind becomes with all the hormones, emotions, hope, and fears.

So that's where I'm at.  I feel like this post was a jumbled up mess but since that's kind of how I'm feeling I guess it's fitting.

Wordless Wednesday

(Acupuncture)