As I laid in bed wide awake at 3am this morning I couldn't block it out. It's as if all of the doubts, the fears, the stress collides and it all hits me in a complete moment of panic. What if this doesn't work? What if I can't ever get pregnant?
Sometimes I just can't help myself from going down that path. And even though I feel my marriage is strong, and has grown stronger because of our infertility, I also know that it hasn't escaped unscathed. Infertility has a way of creeping into every aspect of your relationship. You can say you won't let it affect your sex life - until the moment when you are thinking it's a "waste" since you aren't ovulating. You can say you are going to enjoy the time you have just the two of you - until you can no longer find joy in the things you used to. You can say there's no one to blame for the circumstances but deep down is that really true? I know I blame myself and I know that affects our relationship. I've talked before about how much I struggle with thoughts of this is NOT what D signed up for. That he deserves better. That I'm keeping him from becoming the one thing in this world that he's MEANT to be. Then when I add to it the fact that we are not on the same page as far as adoption, that he's doesn't want to talk about surrogacy when we aren't there yet. I wonder if we'll be able to survive what this could potentially do to us. Could we live child free and be happy? Would having each other be enough? My heart says YES. I love this man. I know without a doubt that he loves me. But late at night when the shear magnitude of our situation crowds my mind the fear creeps in. Could we really be fulfilled and happy in a life without children? I'm not sure. It's not what we want, not what I've envisioned for us. Multiple times a day a feel a stab of pain, or envy, or heartache due to the reminders that are everywhere. Could we live the rest of our life battling that day in and day out? How do you make it through that without breaking?
I pray with all of my heart, every day, that we won't have to face this nightmare of a reality that haunts me. But the truth of the matter is that we very well just might have to. Are we strong enough to make it through? Is anyone?
You are strong enough! You both are and you will eventually come out of this with a baby in your arms and your marriage still in tact. Husbands don't say much but they feel everything we feel too. The fact that you are still together after all you've been through so far is proof that your marriage is strong and will survive.
ReplyDeleteNothing is as as bad as it seems in the middle of the night. The morning usually brings a new perspective. Do something for yourself this week and treat yourself. You deserve it and it will help to lift your mood and spirit.
All the very best!! Candy xoxo
This post really struck my core. I remember all of these same thoughts and struggles not so long ago. I'm sorry. No one should have to experience infertility. It is so incredibly hard. Wishing you so much strength and peace as you navigate this journey and decide what's right for you. Hugs!
ReplyDeleteOkay, third times the charm.
ReplyDeleteI know these fears and feelings. I think we've all felt at some time or another guilt over our husband's situation and thoughts of freeing them from this misery.
I know these thoughts just happen, but I hope you know that I really believe this will NOT be your future! I think you've made so many great decisions with this cycle. I love the kitchen sink approach. And while I'm feeling good about this cycle, I think you've made wise choices in setting things up with CCRM. You're in good hands no matter what.
Love you sweet friend. Hang in there.
I could relate so much to this post. Anyone that has tried to get pregnant for any length of time has been there. We decided if we didn't get pregnant naturally we weren't going to have kids. We made sure to work on our relationship so we would be ok if it was just the two of us. It's hard, women tend to take on all the guilt of not conceiving and a lot of self doubt creeps in. You sound like a lucky woman to have a loving husband, fulfilling career and a great life. You two will have your baby, keep your head up. Thank you for sharing your journey.
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