Will the Waiting Ever End

Hello blog world.  I am still here.  I am still reading and following and cheering and praying for all of you.  But my story seems to be on pause.  I had my 1 month follow up from the Lupron Depo shot.  I did not get the news I wanted to hear.  While the inflammation has improved the doctor decided to do another month just to be safe.  Now logically I realize that it's ALWAYS better safe than sorry.  And I most definitely want my body to be in the best possible condition for transfer.  So, while my mind knows this is the right thing to do I can't help but feeling so......lost.  You see my clinic is cycling at the end of Jan. due to the holidays.  And since Feb. is a short month they aren't having a cycle in Feb. just early March.  Which means we'll have to wait until March for our FET.  March.

That.  Feels.  Like.  Forever.

Once again, logically I know the time will go quickly.  But emotionally I feel like I can not take one more second of waiting.  This month marks a year since our first IVF cycle and a year and a half since our diagnosis.  I know there's so many of you who struggled for much longer.  But my heart is so ready for this to be over.  I'm tired of waiting.  Tired of watching everyone else get pregnant and have babies while I sit on the sidelines.  Tired of seeing the hurt and want in my husband's eyes.  Tired of feeling broken.

I know I just have to continue to push forward.  To take each day as it comes and get through it.  I'm trying to convince myself that this IS going to work in March.  So I can hold out until then because it will finally be our time.  But that's so hard to believe after everything we've been through.

And what a depressing post this has become.  So let's think about some positives.  I have exactly 10 days of work left for the YEAR!  So I know that the month of December will fly by.  We are heading to Nashville with two other couples at the end of December so that's a nice get away to look forward to.  (PS - I <3 NASHVILLE!).  I survived Thanksgiving without any major meltdowns (yeah me!).  And the freezing cold Midwest weather means lots of snuggle time in front of the fire with D and the sweet baby girl Chloe.  For now, that will be enough.

The Second Time Around

It's funny how different this cycle is now that I've been through IVF once.  This morning I got up and went through my normal morning routine and it didn't hit me until I pulled into the parking lot at work that I didn't do my Lupron shot or take my prenatal and steroid.  I kind of freaked out because I know the Lupron is time sensitive.  I can't believe I just completely forgot.  Our house is currently on the market and we had a showing yesterday so I hid all my needles and drugs away in a cabinet and it just did not cross my mind.  Last cycle my entire world centered around IVF, injections, drugs, and obsessing over every daily step.  Granted I'm only a few days in to this cycle but it's already so different.  While IVF #2 is definitely the most important thing going on in our life at the moment, this time it's not the ONLY thing.  I think this is a good thing because I'm sure all of the obsessing can't be healthy.  Needless to say I called Nurse Jenny and she said it wasn't going to do any harm to mess it up one time and just take it as soon as I could.  So I hauled ass home to do the injection.  And now life goes on right?

I feel a little guilty almost like in order for this to work I HAVE to obsess over it and think about nothing else.  It's not that it's not important, I mean what's MORE important than having a child to us?  I think about it numerous times a day.  It's like I feel like if I'm not constantly worried and thinking about it almost like I don't deserve for it to succeed.  Infertility really does crazy things to your mind.

I'm looking forward to the long weekend (no work for me on Monday for Martin Luther King Day) and taking my last birth control pill on Sunday.  I have my baseline E2 blood draw and u/s on Wednesday the 22nd so hopefully everything will be low and resting quietly.

Happy Friday everyone!

Pre-Menopause

Happy Pre Menopause Day!

Tomorrow I start my Lupron shots back up for IVF #2.  This is really the easiest part of the whole cycle.  The Lupron has to be taken in the AM and at the same time every morning, but it's a tiny needle and is easy to measure out the dosage.  I am planning on continuing to work out until I start STIMS on the 27th.  I am hoping that will help me feel better as I go through this.  My side effects from Lupron weren't terrible last time.  I did have some hot flashes and some trouble sleeping but overall it was very minor.  I go in for bloodwork on the 22nd which will be a week after we start the Lupron and then as long as everything is looking good on the 23rd I will switch to one of our new drugs the Ganirelix and we'll also begin to add in the E2V (estrogen) injections every three days.  I'm definitely going to have to pay close attention this cycle as we've got three additional meds and many more dosage changes than last time.  Hopefully it will be what it takes to get us a few more eggs to work with than last time.  

No other major news here.  I'm working hard internally to try and get my mind in a positive place for this cycle and I'm seeing some improvement.  Though I definitely don't have the blind hope that I did the first cycle I also have to believe that the doctors and expert wouldn't put me through this if they didn't think the increased protocol would yield results.  I also am working hard on turning all of my doubts and fears over to God and just finding peace that this is out of my control.  

One of the most comforting things anyone said to me after our BFN was that there's a baby out there for me and D and the first cycle just wasn't the right one.  We are (anxiously) waiting for that special child that's meant to be ours.  I really hope that he or she finds us in this next cycle.  We're here!  We're waiting!

IVF Cycle 2 Calendar

Here we go again.......

So as I mentioned in one of my previous posts while preparing for our first IVF cycle I knew that regardless of the outcome my mind (and heart) would never be the same.  And I can honestly say that prediction was 100% true.  During our first cycle I was so happy and excited to get our calendar.  Looking forward to starting meds and practically giddy with the thought that in a few short weeks I would could be pregnant.  I had very different feelings today as I drove to my appointment for my cycle 2 calendar review.  My  heart still feels heavy with loss.  My hopes are defeated and my attitude feels almost as if "Why Bother".  Instead of feeling excited and optimistic I feel broken and hopeless.  Not a good start to a new cycle.

But when I walked through the doors to my clinic my emotions immediately lifted.  I was greeted by "my girls" - Nurse Jenny and my sweet Nurse Jo.  They were waiting for me to arrive and their excitement to get started on this next round was contagious.  Jenny took me back to her office and we sat down to review the new calendar.  For those of you who thought the first round was overwhelming I can tell you that was nothing.  We will continue with everything we did for the first protocol while increasing the dosage and then will also add in 2 more injectable meds along with estrogen suppositories.  Jenny went over the process for administering the new meds and we set up all my appointments for blood work and u/s's.  I start my suppression meds a week from today so ready or not we are starting again.

After Jenny got done being my Nurse she took her unpaid role as my therapist :)  We talked about the fear of this time not working and my heart break over Dr. H. 's diagnosis of me being a poor responder.  Jenny is sticking to the fact that it's too early to tell if I truly am a "poor responder"  She said that you can't make the diagnosis until after we try this more aggressive cycle.  She is hopeful that this is going to be exactly what we need to get the results we want - more eggs which leads to a better chance for good, quality embryos.  I can tell you one thing my shitty attitude isn't going to help anything so I'm going to do my best to leave it behind and try to find the positivity that I've always had about life.  I know it's still inside me, just buried underneath the pain and hurt.

So attached below is my new schedule.  The Ganirelix and the E2V intramuscular injections (ouch) are new this cycle along with the E2V suppositories.  I actually am starting stim a week earlier than I thought which I guess is a good thing.  Please, please, please let this be it.

Moving Forward - WTF recap

Well we had our WTF appointment on Friday.  I needed a few days to absorb before I posted about it.  Let's start with the good news - we've been approved to move forward with Feb. cycle.  I'm very grateful for this and I mentioned that if we had to wait I felt that would bring on some major emotional issues for me.  However the appointment with Dr. H. was very hard to stomach.  Overall he provided us with a great deal of information.  He walked through the fertilization process with each of my 5 mature eggs and explained what happened with each of them.  He also gave us more information about my specific protocol as far as the meds and why he made the decisions he did.  He told us that I was on a L6 protocol.  The "L" means we are using Lupron as a suppression drug to keep my body from ovulating.  The number ranges from a 1 - 10.  He started me on a 6 because my elevated FSH level indicated there is a potential issue with my ovarian reserve.  He then provided us with 3 different options.  Basically we could do the same protocol again since it did yield results.  However he informed me that I'm what they call a "poor responder".  Basically they were expecting more eggs and obviously a higher percentage of fertilization than what we got.  So that signals that I most likely have both a quality AND quantity issue.  Ugh.

So the next option he offered was we increase my protocol to a L8.  So we'll add estrogen suppositories into the mix (as estrogen proves helpful with follicles/egg production in "poor responders") and one other fertility drug to hopefully help us get more eggs to better our chances.  The third option he brought up was donor eggs.  As I've spent hours obsessing, researching, and basically absorbing any information related to infertility I wasn't completely shocked by this suggestion.  Although that didn't make it any easier to hear.  I'm just not ready to accept that having a baby that is biologically both me and D is not an option.  Luckily out of the three options my doctor's recommendation was #2 - to try again but with a more aggressive protocol with more drugs.

So this is where we are.  I'm back on birth control and baby aspirin and we'll start with Lupron suppression on Jan. 15th.  That means we'll start Stim drugs on Feb. 3rd.  I've struggled a lot feeling pretty low this weekend.  With the news the doctor gave us it just made me feel like it's all hopeless.  I tried to comfort myself when we first got diagnosed that at least we knew what the issue was with me and it wasn't "unexplained".  But I've come to understand that none of us have it better or easier than anyone else.  We are all facing the same struggle and battle and honestly it just sucks.  So I had myself a pity party this weekend and now I"m forcing myself to shake off the negative and try to be positive.  I know that having a negative, hopeless attitude will not help my chances at all.  (Even though I'm still feeling pretty hopeless).  So I'm going to be grateful for another chance, for science and medicine, and for options.  I feel as if my faith is being put to the ultimate test.  I question why God would do this to us.  But I have to believe there's a bigger purpose and have faith in His plan.  I just pray that this next round is our time.  We are so ready.

Lupron Day 2

This morning was day 2 of my Lupron shot.  This one is a piece of cake, although I heard the side effects can be really bad (hot flashes, migraines, etc).  So far so good, although it's pretty early on.  I also started taking my dexamethasone steroid which is making me STARVING constantly.  I stocked up on fruit and healthy snacks so hopefully that will help.  I'm also taking my amped up prenatal vitamins and continuing with the birth control and baby aspirin.

My husband is giving me the shots and he's doing great.  This is a teeny tiny needle and I can barely feel it going in.  However I am just incapable of doing it myself.  I don't fear the pain of the needle it just makes my stomach turn to watch it go in.  This is true not only for myself but for other people as well.  But as long as I don't look I'm good to go.  So it's my husband to the rescue and he's doing great.  D grew up on a farm raising pigs and cattle and he informed me last night that it's just like giving a shot to a pig.  I'm trying not to be offended :)

The long lupron protocol that I'm on seems to stretch everything out.  Basically we'll keep doing what we are doing now until Dec. 3rd.  Which is only 12 days away but feels a little lot longer.  But on Sunday I take my last BCP then Wednesday I go in for my E2 (estrogen) level blood test and a baseline ultrasound. Then it's the long holiday weekend (I'm off Wed-Sun!) and then it's the week we start the stim meds!  So I know it will go fast.  I'm looking forward to spending time with our family and friends as a good distraction.

Today is also day 2 of no caffeine or alcohol.  My nurse told me that I didn't need to restrict either of these until we started the stim drugs.  However since this is the time we are resetting my body and putting it into a resting state I decided that it would be a good idea to also try and limit the bad things I'm putting into it.  So I've subbed out my morning coffee for green tea and I'm working hard to drink more water and eat healthy at each meal.  I also have my first acupuncture appointment next week.  I just figured for the money we are spending we might as well be "All In".  I just don't want to look back and if this doesn't work think "I shouldn't have done that"  or "I wish I would have done this".

I hope everyone is having a great week.  My thoughts and prayers are with everyone who is struggling through infertility during this holiday season. I hope that we all can find some peace and hope.

Here we go!

Good news first....

I got a call from my favorite person, Nurse Jenny, this afternoon to let me know that my auto immune labs came back normal.  I had some additional tests done because elevated FSH levels can be tied to increased natural born killer cells.  If you have more of these cells than you should they can sometimes try to fight off an embryo like it's an infection.  There is a treatment for this known as intralipid infusions.  It's basically a 2 hour IV treatment that I would have to complete before transfer, after transfer and then if we conceive every 4 weeks until you reach 24 weeks.  The good news is that my auto immune labs came back normal!  One less thing to worry about.

In other news this is the big week.  On Wednesday morning we will begin the Lupron injections to further suppress my ovaries.  I will continue taking my birth control pills until this coming Sunday when I will take my last one.  Then hopefully my period starts shortly there after.  I will also begin taking a steroid on Wednesday as well (dexamethasone).

I know that I have 2 long weeks of Lupron injections ahead of me before the actual fertility injections start but to me this is the official beginning of our IVF cycle.  I am looking forward to doing more than just popping BCP pills every night.  And I'm hoping with the appointments that are thrown in during the next couple weeks the time goes quickly.

I think I am doing okay emotionally.  Although I am so hopeful that this cycle will lead to a positive pregnancy test I'm trying to be balanced and cautious.  I know there's a very good chance that the first time won't work for us and although I will be terribly disappointed I'm working hard to ensure that I won't be devastated.  Regardless of the outcome of this cycle we will know more about my body and our challenges after this cycle is complete than we do now.  So even if it doesn't work that's something positive to come out of it.  In addition I have a husband that I adore, who adores me.  I have a strong family and amazing friends to support, distract, and help me through whatever the future brings.  I have a baby girl puppy dog who brings me joy and laughter everyday.  All in all I'm one lucky girl.