Hello blog world. I am still here. I am still reading and following and cheering and praying for all of you. But my story seems to be on pause. I had my 1 month follow up from the Lupron Depo shot. I did not get the news I wanted to hear. While the inflammation has improved the doctor decided to do another month just to be safe. Now logically I realize that it's ALWAYS better safe than sorry. And I most definitely want my body to be in the best possible condition for transfer. So, while my mind knows this is the right thing to do I can't help but feeling so......lost. You see my clinic is cycling at the end of Jan. due to the holidays. And since Feb. is a short month they aren't having a cycle in Feb. just early March. Which means we'll have to wait until March for our FET. March.
That. Feels. Like. Forever.
Once again, logically I know the time will go quickly. But emotionally I feel like I can not take one more second of waiting. This month marks a year since our first IVF cycle and a year and a half since our diagnosis. I know there's so many of you who struggled for much longer. But my heart is so ready for this to be over. I'm tired of waiting. Tired of watching everyone else get pregnant and have babies while I sit on the sidelines. Tired of seeing the hurt and want in my husband's eyes. Tired of feeling broken.
I know I just have to continue to push forward. To take each day as it comes and get through it. I'm trying to convince myself that this IS going to work in March. So I can hold out until then because it will finally be our time. But that's so hard to believe after everything we've been through.
And what a depressing post this has become. So let's think about some positives. I have exactly 10 days of work left for the YEAR! So I know that the month of December will fly by. We are heading to Nashville with two other couples at the end of December so that's a nice get away to look forward to. (PS - I <3 NASHVILLE!). I survived Thanksgiving without any major meltdowns (yeah me!). And the freezing cold Midwest weather means lots of snuggle time in front of the fire with D and the sweet baby girl Chloe. For now, that will be enough.
been there done that Lots of empathy and praise for your continued courage and hopes for your future.
ReplyDeleteYou know, I think the 1.5 year mark was probably the lowest for me. Something about realizing that I would most certainly see a two year anniversary that just messed me up... I was not going to be one of the "lucky ones". I was on this ride for the long haul. That's just depressing no matter how you look at it.
ReplyDeleteI hate that your clinic is delaying this another few months. A month or two probably doesn't fee like that big of a deal to them, but when you're out of your mind with desperation, it can feel like an eternity. Hoping the months fly by and the extra month of lupron works wonders for you!
Ooh, I'd like to work at that clinic. Yeah we get to close a month for the holidays, and then we'll take February off since it's a short month... WHAT? The delays you have the least amount of control over are the most frustrating of all. Glad to hear that there was improvement with the Lupron. If one month was good, two can only be better right? Have fun in Nashville! I was there in April for the Women's Final Four. Country Music is not my scene at all, but I loved the fact that every bar we went to featured live musicians.
ReplyDeleteHang in there... at ccrm, it's a mandatory 2 months if tests come back lacking what's needed. 1.5 years afyer we started the infertiliyy journey was when we finally got.oir first bfp.. hang in there :).
ReplyDeleteThe time delay is just crazy and so, so frustrating. Good for you for adding a few things that are going well at the end of the post... it is so hard to focus on those in the midst of everything else, but good for you for doing it. Hopefully the holiday season will pass quickly with the holidays and your travel and it won't feel too long.
ReplyDeleteMarch!? Ugh. I hate the wait. I'm sorry for that. But definitely enjoy those warm snuggly nights with D and hoping the time flies by!! xoxo
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