32 Weeks

I spent some time this afternoon  reading through old posts on my blog.  I was initially looking for a specific post related to What Infertility Is To Me that I wanted to share for NIAW.  That led me through 3 years of posts and took me back through the ups and downs of our journey.  Looking back it's hard to believe that we've made it to where we are today.  As I read my own words I was taken back to those moments and all of the intense emotions that went along with them.  The hope of our first IVF cycle, the devastation of our first loss, the disappointment of failed transfers, the anger of the unfairness of it all.  The hours of research, the agony over what path to take, the fear of making the wrong choice.  The waiting.  So much waiting.

I jumped through the months and timeline of our struggle until I found the post about discovering I was pregnant with our twins.  Reading through this journey it's hard to believe that we are at the end.  For the longest time I couldn't look any further ahead than the next appointment.  I literally took this pregnancy one week at a time.  And now we are down to our last weeks.  It's still hard to believe that we'll be meeting these little miracles so soon.  And as hard as I try I still can't quite picture them in my arms.  But their (constant) movements, my very large bump, and general uncomfortableness reassure me that this is really happening.

We've reached the point that we are back to weekly appointments.  I alternate between my OB and my MFM.  Last week at my OB's office our little guy was measuring about 17% behind his brother.  They don't like to see a difference of more than 20%.  The discrepancy has caused them to go ahead and schedule my c-section for 36 weeks (May 26th).  We'll obviously continue to monitor the boys weekly and if Baby B's growth continues to slow or God forbid stop they will take them sooner.  I am so grateful to be at 32 weeks knowing that aside from something catestrophic they should both survive with no long term side effects.  However I still feel like it's just WAY too soon.  I'm hoping and praying to make it at least until 34 weeks and hopiong they'll weigh over 4lbs a piece.  For whatever reason 4lbs seems so much more..... substantial than 3 something.

I'm blessed that our local hopsital has a first class NICU that we were fortunate enough to get to tour ahead of time.  So I'm comfortable with the plan if they do come early.  Just one more thing that is out of my control - and you all know how I feel about that.  With the recent events for the first time I've actually started thinking about their arrival and what happens after that.  While I"m still completely consumed with bringing them into this world saefly and healthy I have started to think a little bit about the actual c-section itself, my recovery, and potentially handling two premature infants.  To say it's overwhelming is a huge understatement.  But to read back over everything we've fought through and have overcome gives me confidence that there's nothing we can't survive together.

Nursery Reveal

I can't believe it's been almost a month since my last post where I tried to get everyone caught up.  Time is passing so quickly which is actually surprising considering how uncomfortable I am.  On Thursday I'll be 30 weeks!  I'm absolutely thrilled that we've made it this far and while I'm puffy, swollen, and generally VERY uncomfortable it's the best feeling ever.  I'm just trying to focus on 2 weeks goals.  So now I'm aiming for 32 weeks which will be April 28th.  At my last appointment with the MFM she said to let her know when I'm done working and she'll write the note to put me on bed rest.  While it's SO tempting (my 45 min drive to work is absolutely miserable) I really want to save all of my FMLA time for when the babies are actually here.  So we agreed to re-evaluate at 32 weeks and potentially I could go on "modified" bed rest where I would just work from home full time.  I think I would be very lonely as I'm such a social person but considering just showering these days leaves me exhausted it sounds nice to be able to take it easy and work from home.  We'll see how the next couple of weeks go I guess.

So on to some REALLY exciting stuff.  The nursery is finally finished!  Seriously you guys I just go in there and sit in awe.  I can not believe I actually have a nursery.  In MY house.  For OUR babies.  I tried (emphasis on tried) to cut back on the pictures so you aren't all bored to death.  But for those that are interested grab a beverage, kick back, and welcome to our home......

Here's the view when you are walking in the door.  I guess I should mention that I have plans to put their names above their cribs and then I have a giant & sign that will hang between.  However we are keeping their names as a surprise so that wall is blank for now!  The color pallet is all shades of blue/grays.  My sweet, patient husband painted the room THREE different times before I was content with this slate blue/gray shade on the walls.  It's a little bit rustic, a little shabby chic.  At least that's how I"d describe it :)  The rug on the floor is from Target.  I've gotten a ton of compliments on it!  The blankets hanging over their crib were quilted by one of my closest friends specifically for the boys.  I have a feeling these blankets will be with them for a very long time.  

We have a great window that looks out to our backyard in this room and while it's hard to see really cute crown molding too.  The room itself is NOT big (I think it's 10x11) so I was very worried about fitting both cribs, the dresser/changing table, and the rocker in the room.  It's not exactly spacious but I'm hoping the overall feel is cozy.  Curtains are from Target!  

Here's the view of the other corner of the room where the closet is.  The pallet book shelf I ordered off Etsy for a steal and the deer print above it was a gift from a sweet friend of mine.

I searched long and hard for a rocker for this room.  I was shocked at how expensive these were.  Everyone told me not to go cheap as we'll be spending a lot of time here.  I finally bit the bullet and purchased this one off of Wayfair.  It did need assembled when it arrived but took D less than an hour to put it together.  I love the gliding motion and the fact that the ottoman glides with you.  It's soft and comfortable and I'm only slightly embarrassed to admit that I've been spending my work from home days in this chair the last couple weeks and so far I have zero complaints.  The pillow I found at Walmart!

And the view if I'm standing in front of the closet.  Can I just tell you how much I love this furniture?  It was a gift from my parents and I just absolutely love the style, color, and the slightly distressed finish.  

Here's a head on view of the collage over the changing table.  I think I got all of these signs either from Etsy or Hobby Lobby.  They all have special meaning of course.  I loved the arrow theme along with the Be Brave message.  In addition the sign in the middle that says "They are our greatest adventure" I absolutely LOVE and then the small navy sign that says Brothers are the Perfect Best Friends.  Oh my heart.  

I found this cute little cube at Target along with the matching gray bins.  I am storing toys in one of the bins and extra crib sheets and changing table covers in the second one.  Thanks to one of our showers where guests were encouraged to bring books instead of cards we have a pretty good start to our library.  The sign above the cube is the one I bought to use for our gender announcement.  The yellow color really doesn't go with anything in the room but I adore this sign as it's pretty much how my husband was raised.

This sign I received as a gift from a friend who also battled infertility and has been a huge support to me.  I get tears in my eyes every time I read it.  My faith has definitely wavered during this journey but there's no other explanation for these miracles than the grace of God.  We are so thankful.  

The dresser is stocked and ready to go!  In the top left hand drawer I've got newborn size diapers, wipes, and teeny tiny socks.  There's also a couple preemie size onesies in this drawer.  They are so small it makes me sick to my stomach.  I'm praying so hard that we are way too big for these when the boys finally make their appearance.  None the less we do have a few preemie size clothes if we face that challenge so at least they won't be naked.  

This is the top right hand drawer.  The big divider contains medial supplies - gas drops, infant Tylenol, thermometer, nursing pads, nipple cream, etc.  The next divider contains pacifiers (three different brands as I've heard newborns can be picky about what ones they like) and a few sets of mittens.  The last two dividers on the right contain hats and accessories like those cute little bow ties!  

Last but not least here's the closet.  D installed this great organizer (although it's a little big but there's still hanging space on either side).  We are storing diapers in the cubes that will one day store shoes.  The basket has all of the diapers from the diaper cake from my shower and then swaddle blankets rolled and stored on each side.  The top shelf is purely decorative with the sweet picture frames, cute little hats and shoes.  The twins banner I got for our announcement pictures and thought it was cute hanging there.  Two rods on each side for hanging clothes and still room for storage on the floor too (which is basically full of diapers thanks to D's awesome friends who threw us a diaper party!).  

So there you have it.  As I said earlier this room is mostly for me at this point as we'll be keeping the boys in our room in bassinets when they first arrive home.  However it is convenient as their room is right next door to the master and just down a short hallway from our family room and kitchen.  So I do think we'll utilize the space for diaper changes and feedings.  I'll wrap this post up with my 28 week picture!  Which is almost two weeks ago already.  However I really, really am going to try to be better about blogging as we get closer to their much anticipated arrival!  Hope you enjoyed the tour!

28 weeks!  

Long Overdue Update

I have been a huge blog slacker and was trying to think of a quick way to update you guys with all that's been going on.  So I thought I'd do a picture post.

 Baby A at 22.5 weeks - this guy is usually all stretched out and super active all the time!

Baby B at 22.5 weeks - he's curled up in a little ball down in the corner since his brother takes up all the room.

 

Me at 21 weeks pregnant.  Soak in this picture please.  It's the last one before the swelling and puffiness set in.........

Maternity photos!  These were taken at 23 weeks.  We have a friend who is starting up a photography business and wanted to use us as models.  She did a great job!

 My college girlfriends threw my first shower.  Everything was perfect and beautiful but what meant the most to me was all the people who came out to celebrate our little boys.  So blessed!

My parents got us the car seats for our first shower.  Chloe isn't too sure what these things are but was happy to pose next to them for a
picture.

Baby Shower Number 2 in Derek's hometown!

 My favorite gift from the 2nd baby shower.  D is a huge top gun fan so the boys got Maverick and Goose onesies, my best friend's little boy got the Viper shirt and my nephew who's getting ready to turn 7 got the Iceman shirt.  On the front they all have a pair of aviators that look like they have hanging from their neck.  Cutest thing ever!

And here's today at 26 weeks!  Definitely feeling swollen and puffy and just generally uncomfortable.  But every day is one step closer and I couldn't be more thrilled to be where we are today.  Next big milestone is 28 weeks!  

Ch Ch Changes!

Welcome February!  I personally am glad to have January behind us and be one month closer to warmer weather (PS - MidWest winters suck) and one month further along in this pregnancy.  This week I'll be 20 weeks - Eeeekkk!  Everyone keeps saying "Yeah you are 1/2 way".  I have to bite my tongue to keep from screaming "I AM MORE THAN 1/2 WAY - THIS IS A TWIN PREGNANCY!".  Instead I just nod and smile and say thank you so it doesn't appear that I'm a crazy woman.  My favorite part of 20 weeks is that viability is only 4 (hopefully) short weeks away.  I'm still feeling pretty good.  By the end of the day I feel full and uncomfortable and have some trouble falling asleep.  But other than that things have been great.  I'm still only feeling the flutters and the gas like feeling as far as movement goes.  Which makes me nervous of course.  I thought yesterday I felt a more significant kick.  I am ready for that action to begin any time now!  This is a no appointment week so those are always hard for me.  

 

                                                                19 weeks 5 days!

The last 2 weeks we also began our bathroom renovation.  Our house does have 3 bathrooms - the master, a full bath in our finished basement, and then our guest bath.  However the guest bathroom only had a stand up shower in it.  So I really wanted to put in a tub for the babies.  The contractors started last week and finished up yesterday.  The tile for the shower is back ordered so that's still unfinished but everything else is done.  Overall I'm pretty happy with how it came together.  I don't consider decorating one of my skills, but I'm happy with the flooring, paint, and tile I chose.  D is color blind so I'm basically on my own for projects like this as I don't really trust his opinion. :)  Below are some pictures of the finished project.  

                                    I used the same vanity but got a new mirror and light fixture

This gives you a view of the flooring which is porcelain tile that looks like hardwood!  LOVE!  And the start of the tiling before we ran out.  I'll be continuing the smoke green glass tiles and then we'll run a strip of the mosaic that's in the soap box halfway up to break it up a little bit.

This bathroom did not have a closet originally and I was thrilled that there was room to squeeze one in.  It's actually really deep and I put the first shelf high enough that I can fit a hamper below it.  We'll be able to move all of the linens from the hall linen closet in here and then hopefully use that for more storage for the babies.  


We used the same toilet - nothing too exciting here except it gives you a good idea of the paint color.

This is the most exciting part for me.  The old door opened into the toilet and was super awkward.  We replaced it with a sliding "barn" style door and I love it!  Makes the bathroom feel so much more open.  

So lots of changes the last couple of weeks!  The contractors had been using the babies' room for all of their tools and supplies so now that they are finished I get that room back.  I've got a few samples of paint colors that I'm trying to decide between.  The furniture is an ash gray color.  (kind of a distressed finish).  Below are all the samples of paint I've got that I'm trying to decide between.  Thoughts and input welcome!  

Days go By

Most of you who know me know that I am a planner by nature.  Nothing makes me happier than lists, plans, time lines, deadlines, etc.  I find comfort in mapping things out and joy in checking boxes.  Planning for my babies is something I've dreamed of my entire life.  But after experiencing infertility and loss(es) there's so many fears that come with moving forward and planning for the arrival of your babies.  

I have made progress.  At 18 weeks we have furniture(!) and I've started my registry.  With the help and support (and okay push) from my family and friends I've set shower dates.  Invites are currently being ordered.  And while it's so exciting and so much fun to make these plans there's still the voice in the back of my head that I can't ignore. 

 "There's a 30 day return policy for the furniture....what if?"  or "They can send out a mass text to cancel the shower if......"  and lately "Worse case we can just pull that door shut so we don't have to look in that room until I'm strong enough to deal with it".

If.  The fear, That worry.  It doesn't fade.  The voice doesn't get quieter with each passing week.  But I will say my excitement does increase.  With each day that goes by this dream becomes a little more of a reality.  18 weeks you guys.  Six short (please God) weeks until we reach viability. Can this really happen?  Is it possible that we may actually hold these miracles in our arms?  Slowly I'm beginning to believe that it just might really happen.

It's funny how you look to the future and think you'll feel better with each milestone.  I thought after receiving the harmony results I'd feel so much better.  And I did....a little.  Last week at our 17 week appointment at MFM they went ahead and did the full anatomy scan.  Everything looked great - no markers, no cause for concern.  Their size and fluid levels were equal which is critical when looking for early signs of Twin to Twin Transfusion.  Nothing but good news from that appointment.  I should have been ecstatic.  And I was.  But still....

I've been waiting until I could feel movement thinking that would help me keep my sanity between sono appointments.  And it has.  But now I worry that they aren't moving enough.  And of course it's hard to confirm that the movement is both babies and not just one (they are literally on top of each other in there!).  So I would say the movement definitely brings reassurance.  But.  

I hope this isn't coming off as me complaining or being ungrateful.  Believe me I'm well aware of just how fortunate we are to be in this situation of worry and fear.  I'll take this over the stress and worry associated with infertility any day.  I thank God multiple times a day for blessing us with these miracles and for helping us get this far.  And there IS joy.  At times it completely overwhelms me.  It brings me to tears at least once a day.  There's moments when I feel my heart will absolutely burst from the happiness.  Yes, there is joy my friends.  Days go by and they are consumed with so many different emotions.  But in the end the greatest is joy.  

It's All Worth It

Yesterday on my drive home from work my phone rang and it was my OB's office.  I actually pulled over to the side of the road as I figured they were calling with the results from my Harmony test.  My heart was beating a million miles a minute and my voice was shaking when I answered the phone.  My nurse Katie's voice was on the other end as she calmly informed me that they had just received the results from the Harmony test.  I couldn't even reply I was so nervous.  In what felt like 200 unnecessary words she calmly informed me that the results all came back normal and "low-risk".  I can't described the relief I felt at hearing her words.  Obviously high risk results wouldn't have changed anything for us.  But it's just one less obstacle to worry about.  I also realize there's still a million other things that could go wrong.  But this one was a win for us and one I'm so grateful for!

In other exciting news she confirmed what the MFM suspected.  Our twins are little BOYS!  For whatever reason I always pictured myself as a boy mom.  People keep asking me what we want (which obviously all we want is to be holding healthy babies in our arms at the end of this).  But even if God came to me and told me I could choose I wouldn't have been able to.  But from the moment the MFM told me she felt pretty confident they were boys (at 13 weeks!) I thought to myself "of course they are".  It just felt right.  So yeah boys!  My heart overflows.........

Today is 16 weeks 5 days.  We go back to the MFM on Thursday which will be 17 weeks.  Regardless of all the great news I'm still nervous and scared for the appointment.  It will have been 2 1/2 weeks since we last saw our babies - the longest we've had to go in this entire pregnancy.  I've accepted that the fear and worry will never leave and work hard on giving it to God, trusting in Him and doing my best to enjoy this pregnancy.  I *think* I have started feeling them move.  Everyone says it feels like "flutters" or "butterflies".  But that isn't the case at all to me.  Honestly it feels like something is pressing or leaning from the inside.  Sometimes I feel a small area of my stomach tighten.  Everyone is telling me that is Braxton Hicks contractions but I honestly don't think so.  Maybe I'm completely wrong.  I'm anxious for when I know without a doubt it's them.  I also have these feelings much more on the right side.  Which I believe that is baby A who is slightly in front of baby B so that would make sense.  I'm hoping to get some confirmation of all of this at the appointment on Thursday.  

So almost 17 weeks I thought I'd try to recap some of my thoughts and feelings

1.  I still often feel like this is a dream, like it's not real.  Too good to be true

2.  I struggle with fear and worry every. single. day.  

3.  The way your body changes during pregnancy is truly amazing!

4.  I celebrate each pound I gain because I know it's helping them grow grow grow.

5.  I smile every time I stick my hands in my coat pockets because I can feel my belly :)

6.  I'm amazed at the out pouring of love and support for these little miracles!

7.  My parents and I have always been close, they've always been my biggest supporters.  But that bond has only deepened through this pregnancy.  Their love and excitement is contagious and can lessen even my deepest worries

8.  Baby stuff is EXPENSIVE!

9.  Pregnancy is hard.  I always thought getting pregnant would be the hard part.  But there's nothing about this that's easy.  From the lack of energy, the struggle to eat healthy, the aches and pain, the trouble sleeping, to the fact that every single thing happening is new and unfamiliar.  Pregnancy is Hard.

10.  It's so worth it.  I always knew/said that every shot, pill, doctor's appointment, etc would be worth it and it's true.  I did not know that pregnancy would be this hard.  But I can tell you it's all so worth it too.  Every green veggie I put in my mouth while simultaneously hating it is worth it.  Every sleepless night (whether it's from being uncomfortable or due to worry) is worth is.  Every ache and pain is a sign that my babies are growing.  And the worry and fear are signs that even at this early stage I'm already a good Mom.  It is so worth it.  

THE Year

Happy New Year friends!  I hope that everyone survived and possibly even enjoyed the holidays.  I know despite the fact of having so much to celebrate this year I'm a little relieved they are over!  I already wrote a reflection of my Different Kind of Christmas this year.  And while it was wonderful it was also.....weird.  To be in such a different place after I've gotten so used to where I was felt redeeming and a little unsettling all at once.  I think through this whole pregnancy I've just been waiting for the ball to drop.  I've thought more times than I can count that things were just going TOO well.  There's days I am deliriously happy and other days where the fear is almost paralyzing.  So my thoughts on the end of 2015 and the beginning of 2016 aren't as cut and dried as you would think.

Obviously ending 2015 15 weeks pregnant was a dream come true.  I still cannot believe we've made it this far.  I can't believe I've sat through ultrasounds where I watched my TWINS moving and squirming inside my body.  After all the failure and heartbreak it's still all a little unbelievable to me.  However even though 2015 was the year that brought us these miracles, overall it wasn't the best year ever.  We started with our final failed transfer at our local clinic.  We transferred our two (according to them) genetically normal embryos and the results were a giant Big Fat Negative.  We had already had our phone consult with Dr. Schoolcraft from CCRM and were planning on starting our journey with them if this transfer failed.  But I know there was a big part of me that didn't think it would come to that.  So while I was devastated by that failure I was still comforted that we had a new plan in place.  However the hardest part of that failure was watching what it did to D.  He had always been so positive and so hopeful through all of our cycles.  This failure was truly the one that broke him.  He clearly had just been humoring me with our plans to go to CCRM and never dreamed it would become a reality.  I watched him go through all of the stages of grief after that failure knowing that there was nothing I could do to make it better.  His anger and sadness was so out of character and frankly scared me to death.  There were nights I wondered if he'd ever "go back" to his old self.  And I carried so much guilt and responsibility for the state he was in.  There were times I felt as if that alone would crush me.

With some time Derek was able to deal with his grief and to wrap his mind around Colorado.  I remember sitting on the plane heading to Colorado for our One Day Work Up. He just seemed angry and bitter that he was even on the plane.  But a great first experience at CCRM did wonders to his perspective.  We both left with a renewed sense of hope that this was the answer for us.

You all know the story.  Our prep for the first CCRM cycle was interrupted by a spontaneous pregnancy.  I'll never forget the shock that I felt when the monitoring doctor told me that they had found a gestational sac during what I thought was my suppression ultrasound.  How could we not have thought that was a our miracle and our redemption?  The timing and circumstances just seemed so perfect.  The feeling of sitting in that first sono and actually having something to see for the first time after all the failures is indescribable.  And seeing and hearing the little heartbeat - I thought my own heart would burst with joy.  Then to have it all come crashing down.  I've sat through a sono before that should have showed a 7 week baby, but there was nothing to see.  It was the worst experience of my life up until this point.  Sitting at that 9 week sono and having the tech go from the wand on my belly to internal.  Searching, searching for a heartbeat that wasn't there any longer, only to call in my sweet OB to confirm.  She held my hand and cried with us as she looked at the silent screen.  This was not our time.  No matter how perfect the circumstances seemed.  The next couple of weeks are a complete blur.  I wrote about the actual miscarriage and don't have the strength even today to get in to how terrible it was again.  I don't know how I survived the pain.  I woke up each morning wishing, praying that it was all just over.  But somehow we were able to drag ourselves out of the hole and resume life.  Looking back it's probably a good thing that it took so long for my HCG to come down.  It gave us the time we really needed to deal with what had happened rather than just shoving it aside and rushing into the next cycle (my typical go-to plan).  It's one of those experiences in your life that define you.  There's the before and the after.  And I can honestly say that I will be forever changed by that heartache and grief.

So no 2015 was not the best year ever.  Although it ended in the absolute best way I could have ever dreamed of.  Looking ahead to 2016 it scares me to think that this *should* be THE year.  The year we bring our sweet babies home.  The year our family is finally, finally complete.  The year I become a mother and make the love of my life's dreams come true.  This *should* be our year.  But there's still so far to go, so many obstacles to overcome.  I know as well as anyone just how precious life is and how quickly it can be taken away and your circumstances can change.  And because I know that I cherish every second of this pregnancy.  I know I talk a lot about my worries and fears and believe me they have not diminished as we navigate our 2nd trimester and wrap up our 4th month of pregnancy.  But I am enjoying this pregnancy as much as I"m capable of after what I've experienced.  I wake up every day grateful for more one day of being these babies mommy.   I pray every day that they continue to grow and develop into healthy babies that we will one day hold in our arms.  I thank God for our miracles.  And I let myself believe that this will be THE year.