Protecting my Heart

As we inch closer and closer to March I'm slowly allowing myself to start focusing on TTC again.  For the last few months I've done a decent job of avoiding it.  I'm sure you all know that the thoughts/fear/worries/sadness is always there, in the back of your mind.  But since we've been on a holding pattern as we waited to see if the Lupron Depot would do it's job I've been trying semi-successfully to put it on the back burner.  I've been focusing on work, the holidays, our mini-vacation, family and friends.  Anything so I didn't have to think about the fact that another year of trying was passing.  That March is my last chance to get pregnant and have a baby in this brand new year.  That every day it seems like someone else I know is announcing they are expecting.  That people who started trying more than a year AFTER us are holding their babies today.

But lately I've started to open up just a little bit more.  It's small things - like talking to D about a new  potential baby name that I heard and liked.  Or a conversation about how I hope our child will have his eyes.  It's not that we don't talk about our struggle.  But over the past few months we've made a conscious effort not to focus on what we don't have.  And to try and not let the sadness consume us.  Which means we've tried to talk about other things than babies.

As we've had several baby conversations over the last week or so the inner struggle begins.  While I want to be positive and hopeful, I also feel a need to protect my heart.  I don't think it's being negative to think about the fact that this upcoming transfer might not work.  I think after all we've been through and learned it's realistic.  And while I'm comforted with having a back up plan (CCRM) it still won't take away the pain from another failed cycle.  Another set of our babies gone before they even had a chance.  So as fun and exciting as it is to talk about baby names, nursery ideas, and what it will be like/feel like to finally be parents, there's still a wariness that I can't shake.  I know it's fear of my heart being broken again.  But I also know that having a positive mindset going into this transfer will only help our chances of success.  So I guess the question I have for my veteran girls today is....

Where is the line between positivity and realism?  How did you or do you protect your heart when the outcome is unknown?

Baby Mama

Last night as I was flipping through the channels (and avoiding The Bachelor because D and I watch it together and he had a school board meeting) I stumbled upon the movie Baby Mama.  You know this one - Tiny Fey tries to have a baby on her own only to find out she has a T shaped uterus so she opts to go the surrogacy route.  Amy Poehler becomes her surrogate which leads into a funny story line about a not so bright woman who is in it for the money and doesn't understand that you have to wait 2 weeks to test.  She tests immediately and it's negative.  She then sets out to pull a fast one on Tina Fey pretending she's pregnant so she can get the cash.  But then halfway through she finds out she really is pregnant and it might be Tina's or it may be her common law husband's.  Long story short the baby ends up NOT being Tina Fey's but she miraculous becomes pregnant on her own even though her RE gave her a 1 in a million odds.  

This is a movie I would have found hilarious 2 years ago.  Honestly even after all I've been through the past year and a half I still found it funny.  Which I guess is a tribute to how far I've come.  I think 6-9 months ago I would have burst into tears and completely lost my shit over this.  Today though I could appreciate the fact that the movie IS generating awareness of infertility and some of the struggles Tina was going through in the beginning of the movie before the surrogate entered the picture were pretty accurate.  However the one part that did bother me was her miraculous pregnancy.   This is only fueling the fire for those (uneducated) people out there who say all of those terrible things that make us want to poke our eyes out (just relax, take a vacation, maybe you should adopt then you'll get pregnant!).  Because in real life it just doesn't work that way.  Okay, once in a great while maybe.  And I'm all about the power of prayer and I do believe that God works miracles.  I know He does.  But with so many of us struggling to conceive we can't ALL be the one who miraculously gets pregnant.  Our miracles come in the forms of IUI, IVF, donor eggs and embryos, surrogates, and adoption matches.  There is no cure to infertility.  Nothing we can do that immediately equals our bodies healing themselves and poof - baby on board.  I know that some of us have been fighting this battle for YEARS.  And it's through blood, sweat, tears, pain, and heartache that we build our families.  And in a funny way even though I couldn't be closer to having a baby of my own I'm proud of the battles scars.  One day (I have to believe there WILL be a one day) I'll be a better parent.  One day I will teach my child about the extremes we went through to get him or her.  One day I will raise a person who won't be the one to ever make those comments that make us want to claw our eyes out.  I can't wait until that day.  

A positive sign

No, not THE positive sign (as in a positive pregnancy test) but a step in right direction.  I had my follow up appointment today from my second month of the Lupron Depo shot.  I think I mentioned that we recently got a new RE at my clinic.  I met her just briefly during my followup hysteroscopy after the 1 month of Lupron Depo and it was her call to have me go another month.  So it wasn't exactly a great first impression.  However this time it went much better.  We only did an ultrasound but she explained to me on the screen what they were looking for.  She said the inflammation would cause shading or darkening which she wasn't seeing any.  My lining was at a 6 which she said was good for being suppressed (I believe it was at a 9 last time).  There were some other things she pointed out that kind of went over my head but her exact words were "You uterus actually looks really good!".  I will take that.  She put me right back on birth control pills to keep me suppressed until I start my FET protocol which will be in Feb.  We are looking at a transfer the second week in March.

I feel so relieved that the injections did their job and we can move forward.  My friend told me the other day that from our conversations she felt like I'd already written off the March transfer.  After some reflection she may have been right.  I think I was just trying to prepare myself for another delay or even worse news.  And while I do have CCRM all squared away and we are ready to move forward with them if this transfer doesn't work, I am beginning to have some hope for this last shot.  I have two pretty highly graded day 5 embryos left.  I also got the okay to transfer both.  My former RE was not on board with transferring more than one since we did have genetic testing done and that supposedly increased our chance of success significantly.  Well, after talking with Dr. Schoolcraft at CCRM and learning that the genetic testing we did has the potential to damage the embryos I feel strongly about transferring both.  Even if by some miracle both implant D and I feel fully ready to happily take on a twin pregnancy.  I've talked to several of you who have experienced them and feel prepared.  It just feels like the right decision.  If this transfer doesn't work out then I am emotionally, financially, and physically ready to move on to CCRM.  (Please God let that not be necessary).

So that's a quick update.  On a random side note I'm not sure I've shared here that my nurse at the clinic completed her first cycle of IVF in Oct.  She's currently 14 weeks pregnant.   Her husband actually had a blockage so their issue was with him.  They were able to go in and extract the sperm for the embryos and she got pregnant on the first cycle.  I'll be honest when I found out I was a little bitter.  One and done - can you imagine?  But once I had a few minutes to think about it my bitterness went away.  I was still sad for US but happy for her.  No matter what your fertility treatment or how quickly you find success this is a hardship I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.  I asked her how it was going breaking the news to her other patients and she said not well at all.  I would imagine it to be a very difficult conversation to have but considering she's already started showing (she was very thin before) not really something she can ignore.

Anyway just wanted to send out a happy update!  It feels like a long time since I've had any personal good news to share.

We are Courageous

A friend of mine shared this beautiful blog post on Facebook today and I couldn't wait to post it on my own blog.  The friend that shared it is a fellow infertile who has recently adopted a gorgeous baby boy.  She has experienced both sides of this struggle.  However, what truly amazed me was how much the author "gets" all of the emotions associated with infertility.  Fear, pain, disappointment, hurt, shame.  She really nailed it.  And her prayer brought me to tears.  A great read for those of us in the trenches and our fertile friends who want to support us.  Sending all of you who are fighting this battle so much love each and every day.

I could have a baby, but she could not

Yet to Come

It's here again. Merry Christmas my dear, sweet friends. It makes my heart so happy to know that so many of you are celebrating this year feeling more complete, with more hope, than you were last year. And while I am so inspired by those of you who manage this journey with grace and unwavering positivity I started this blog to be true to myself and hopefully help other women who are feeling the same as me know they are not alone. 

This has not been an easy holiday for us. It's the 1 year anniversary from our first IVF cycle (BFN) and 3 fresh cycles and 4 transfers later we are struggling with the same feelings and questions. The adorable Christmas cards, the excited squeals of children big and small. It's seems Christmas time is over flowing with constant reminders of the giant hole in my heart. Which always leads me back to the question "Will that ever be us?"  

We are so blessed to be celebrating our second Christmas with my (younger) brother in law and his sweet girlfriend. She and her son have been a wonderful addition to our family. They've taken their relationship slow integrating her son into our family. This is the first major holiday we've gotten to spend with him and it's amazing how much joy and laughter he has brought. And while I adore him it's been so hard to see the longing in my husbands eyes as he plays on the floor with him and his trains.  It's been difficult to watch my beloved mother in law bloom in the roll of grandma. Knowing I haven't, and maybe never will, be able to give her that gift. 

And while my heart is feeling battered and bruised I know I have much to be thankful for. Toping the list is my amazing husband, family and friends. So today o will be thankful for what I do have and know in my heart that the best is yet to come. 

Merry Christmas Friends! 

A Time of Peace

I logged in to check blogs today and was bombarded by good news.  A donor embryo match for one friend, a graduation to her OB for another.  And a long awaited transfer for a very special girl.  As I was reading all of the good news I felt so full of hope.  For these beautiful, strong women.  For myself.  I haven't had that feeling in quite a while.  2014 has been a rough one for me, but for many of my blog friends it's been the year they've been waiting for.  And while I've struggled with my faith, my hope, and my perseverance this year the success my friends have found continues to fill me.  Their strength motivates me to not give up.  And their grace makes me want to be a better person.  So thank you to all of the strong, amazing women of this community.  For being my strength and my hope when I couldn't find my own.  With the holidays quickly approaching (which we all know is NOT an easy time) I am surprised to find myself at peace with our situation.  No, 2014 was not our year.  But 2015 just might be.

Will the Waiting Ever End

Hello blog world.  I am still here.  I am still reading and following and cheering and praying for all of you.  But my story seems to be on pause.  I had my 1 month follow up from the Lupron Depo shot.  I did not get the news I wanted to hear.  While the inflammation has improved the doctor decided to do another month just to be safe.  Now logically I realize that it's ALWAYS better safe than sorry.  And I most definitely want my body to be in the best possible condition for transfer.  So, while my mind knows this is the right thing to do I can't help but feeling so......lost.  You see my clinic is cycling at the end of Jan. due to the holidays.  And since Feb. is a short month they aren't having a cycle in Feb. just early March.  Which means we'll have to wait until March for our FET.  March.

That.  Feels.  Like.  Forever.

Once again, logically I know the time will go quickly.  But emotionally I feel like I can not take one more second of waiting.  This month marks a year since our first IVF cycle and a year and a half since our diagnosis.  I know there's so many of you who struggled for much longer.  But my heart is so ready for this to be over.  I'm tired of waiting.  Tired of watching everyone else get pregnant and have babies while I sit on the sidelines.  Tired of seeing the hurt and want in my husband's eyes.  Tired of feeling broken.

I know I just have to continue to push forward.  To take each day as it comes and get through it.  I'm trying to convince myself that this IS going to work in March.  So I can hold out until then because it will finally be our time.  But that's so hard to believe after everything we've been through.

And what a depressing post this has become.  So let's think about some positives.  I have exactly 10 days of work left for the YEAR!  So I know that the month of December will fly by.  We are heading to Nashville with two other couples at the end of December so that's a nice get away to look forward to.  (PS - I <3 NASHVILLE!).  I survived Thanksgiving without any major meltdowns (yeah me!).  And the freezing cold Midwest weather means lots of snuggle time in front of the fire with D and the sweet baby girl Chloe.  For now, that will be enough.