I Know, I Understand.....You are Not Alone

It's here.  This is a big week you guys.  Those of you who don't struggle with infertility probably don't even know.  This week is National Infertility Awareness Week and RESOLVE's theme for 2015 is You Are Not Alone.  How fitting, how right. If you are struggling with infertility and are reading this You Are Not Alone because I Know how you feel.  I Understand.

I know that you are living out your deepest darkest fears.  I understand the physical pain that you feel in your heart, in your gut, from the shear WANT of having a baby of your own.  I know the embarrassment you feel and I understand your shame of not being able to do what others do so easily.  I know how much you dread the questions that inevidently always come.  I understand just how deep people's comments and advice cut.  

You are not alone.  And while I've been fortunate enough to have family and close friends support me throughout my 2+ year journey it's been this community that has saved me and seen me through.  Because as much as the support and encouragement of those closest to me means, they cannot truly understand what I'm going through.  What well meaning people don't seem to get is this is not a situation that can be fixed.  I'm a fixer by nature.  I want to help those I love solve their problems and I think I'm pretty good at it.  But this is a situation that cannot be fixed and I'm not looking for answers.  What I am looking for is someone to listen, to hold me up when the hurt and pain crushes me.  Someone to cry with me when the worry, the shame, the guilt makes me feel so small.  Someone to love me when I can't love myself.  

Because I feel all of those things.  Logically I know this is not my fault.  That I'm not being punished and nothing I've done, or my husband has done, in the past has caused us to not be able to have the child we so desperately want.  I know this.  But still I feel the guilt.  Of not being able to give my husband that child when someone else could.  I feel the shame and embarrassment that there's something essential and basic WRONG with me.  I feel jealous of good people, deserving people. who get pregnant and have babies.  I feel hateful towards people who have babies that I judge to be undeserving even though I know I have no room to judge anyone.  Then I feel more guilt for these terrible thoughts that run through my head confirming that I am a terrible person and maybe I DON'T deserve a child.  

I know the struggles that is your daily life.  That there's no escape from the pain associated with infertility.  I know that just getting out of bed in the morning is a huge step.  And that from the minute you turn on your TV, check Facebook, walk out your front door you are surrounded by constant reminders of what you don't have. 

I know the hope that fills you each month or each cycle.  I understand that after every failure you wonder how you could have been so stupid to let that hope in.  I know the devastation of a miscarriage.  It was FINALLY your time.  You put your blood, sweat, tears, and entire life savings into having a baby and before you could even celebrate that success it's been stripped away from you in the blink of an eye.  I understand that this disease has changed you.  That you'll never be the person you were before this struggle.  That you've lost friends or family members because they couldn't understand what you were going through.  I understand the anger and frustration that goes with this different kind of hurt of feeling rejected by someone you love.  Of being made to feel like your struggle is insignificant.  Of being judged for not being grateful for what you do have (and PS - I know you ARE grateful for the blessings in your life).  

You are not alone.  Through this community I've found comfort in those that have walked in my shoes.  Everyday I find hope in those who have fought this battle and had success.  I've found understanding with people who are experiencing what I am.  I've found acceptance, friendship, love, and support.  You are not alone.  We are not alone.  I encourage you to reach out, to engage. To lean on, learn from, and find comfort in those who share your pain.  You are not alone.  We are not alone.  And together we will weather this storm.  

Long Over "Due"......

I just couldn't resist using the quotes in the title since I'm obviously not "due" with anything.  Just trying to keep the humor in this situation because obviously what else can you do?

So I'm sorry I've been MIA.  Life has been CRAZY and not exactly great lately.  The last month or so has been pretty rough as D (my husband) is really struggling.  He's been so awesome throughout this entire process.  So supportive and positive and definitely the rock in our relationship.  However after this last failure (3 fresh cycles, and 5 transfers) it seems it's just all really hit him hard.  When we started our 3rd fresh cycle coming off an early miscarriage and a failed FET we knew that if it didn't work CCRM was our backup plan.  I think it helped both of us knowing what our next step would be.  However it's clear now that he never believed it would come to that.  And now that it has he's really struggling with a lot of the feelings and emotions that I had much earlier on.  I know he's depressed and pretty bitter and angry about the situation.  All of which is perfectly normal.  But it's been SO difficult to watch him struggle.  It's truly one of the hardest parts of this whole mess - is seeing him hurting.  But after all he's done for me and gotten me through I know it's my turn to do the same for him.  It's my turn to be the positive person and carry us through this.

All that being said we are making progress with CCRM.  We went out for our One Day Work Up and survived.  It was INTENSE - just like everyone warned me it would be.  And sadly Dr. Schoolcraft was out of the office that day so we didn't get to meet him in person.  We did have a brief one-on-one with Dr. Surrey who I LOVED.  It was obvious that he took the time to read our file and he answered the few questions we did have and was very optimistic about our case.  He performed my hysteroscopy and while I technically won't get any of the results from all of our tests that day until my phone follow up with Dr. Schoolcraft, he did tell me that everything looked "normal".  So that was reassuring.  I also passed my Doppler ultrasound with flying colors and my AFC (antral follicle count) was 16!  Guys that's almost normal (WTH???).  So that was all pretty promising.  The one issue we did discover was during my HSG.  I've never had that test done before and turns out one of my tubes is "partially" blocked.  The dye didn't flow through during the procedure but once I stood up and moved around and they did the final x-ray we could see that it did flow through.  I'm not really sure what that means for us moving forward.  The nurse was able to tell me that the one thing they are looking for in the HSG (related to IVF) is when the fluid flows BACK into the uterus.  This did not happen so I'm not sure if they will even want to do anything about that tube or just leave it be.  That's information we'll get at the follow up call.  D also gave a sperm sample that day and we got tons of blood work drawn.  And attended CCRM orientation and signed a billion forms.  That was pretty much the day!  So all in all not terrible and one more thing off our list.

I had some to-do's to take home with me and get done.  I needed an updated pap, a full physical, lab work to test for immunizations, my TSH, and some other levels (Vitamin D??).  In addition Dr. Schoolcraft also wanted me to do the beta 3 integrity test.  I had to test with ovulation sticks for my LH surge (which surprisingly hit right on schedule on Day 14 of my cycle).  Then the test needs to be done 9-11 days later.  Today was day 10 and I had the biopsy this morning.  It was NOT pleasant but it's done and I took my piece of tissue and shipped it off via second day Fed Ex.  (I text my best friend and told her I was just cruising to Fed Ex with tissue from my uterus riding shotgun.....this is my life).  So that's one more big to-do crossed off the list.  The last thing remaining is my Day 3 blood draw.  So once I start my period I'll get that drawn and they will spin it and I have a special kit to ship it to CCRM who will run the tests in their lab.  We've tentatively scheduled our phone follow up with Dr. Schoolcraft for May 6th since I should start my period this weekend and that would allow me to get the blood drawn and shipped out there.  I'm super nervous/anxious for that meeting.  If they don't want to do any further tests I should get my protocol recommendation from him that day and potentially my calendar!  If he decides he wants to do surgery on that tube or anything else there will obviously be more delays.  I am just really hoping we can do at least the retrieval this summer as D is off (he's a teacher) so would be free to come to Colorado with me for the entire 7-10 days.

So.....that's where we are!  Overall I've been impressed with CCRM and I'm feeling hopeful.  Obviously I'm scared that we won't get a lot of eggs and none of the embryos will make it day 5, which they need to in order to do the CCS testing.  Then if we do have some that make it we won't have any that are normal.  But I remind myself that CCRM has the best lab in the country which gives our embryos the best chance.  And I *think* we are capable of producing genetically normal embryos since the crappy Day 3 testing we did proved that (even through it probably fatally damaged the embryos in the process).  I guess the hardest part is knowing this is the end of the road for us.  Before when we were cycling locally we always had CCRM in our back pocket.  Now that we are here where does that leave us if this doesn't work??  Those are the fears that keep me up at night.

And while this past month or so has been rough we've also had some good times.  We attended Opening Day for the Cubs at Wrigley Field with FREE tickets from my work and had a great time.  We also celebrated another anniversary and felt much love and support from family and friends on that milestone.  And while it's been really tough to watch D struggle I know when this is all over we'll be stronger because of it.  We've already gotten through so much and while it hasn't been easy we are still fighting this battle together and on the same page.  In the anniversary card that he got me he wrote "All I need to know is that we'll be together forever".  And that, my friends, is what it's all about.